There's Something About Marik
by Shrilanka-San
Summary: Before he had Rare Hunters, Marik and Odion try to steal the Millennium Puzzle on their own...along with about every other evil villain from the show! Insanity reigns supreme as an all out war brews in Domino High School! Who will win?
1. Well Writen but Somewhat Pointless Lette

MUA HA HA! Ladies, gentlemen, Juvinile delinquents! From the sick mind behind _The Wizard of Cuz, The Health Class Fic of SC4R33 D00M, _and _The Heart of the Idiots, _I return, and as crazy as ever, with my second multi-chapter story called_ THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK_!

I have just received word that my hostile takeover of Kazuki Takahashi and the Yu-Gi-Oh empire failed! So basically, I still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh…I'm working on it….

My last story had at least a basic structure to it, but this one is a lot more random and free-flowing, so expect crazier humor than my last fic, 'The Wizard of Cuz'. I think this story's doomed to be a little shorter though…

As you all know, Marik has this band of lackeys he calls Rare Hunters. But have you ever wondered why he has Rare Hunters? Do you think they just came around for no good reason at all? Have you ever wondered if there is a real story behind why he has them?

Well, as odd as it sounds, there is a story. A terribly mindless one, but a story's a story. So here you are, the epic quest of Marik, before he had a bunch of people to do it for him. Can he handle stealing Yugi's Millennium Puzzle only relying on him, himself, and he, while fighting off dozens of other villains who want to do the same, with dozens of other random horrors awaiting him? Of course he can't…boy, is Odion going to be working overtime…

**Chapter One**

**WELL WRITEN, BUT SOMEWHAT POINTLES LETTERS**

_In which we meet the main character, and in the end, wish we didn't._

_Far, far away from the land you and I know so well, across tall mountains, spiraling vales, scorching deserts, freakishly cold north lands, far on a tiny island in the midst of a rough and tumble sea, where the water lashed on jagged rocks under gray skies as biting winds, gulls screaming for mercy as they were thrown every which way, a perilous quest across land that feed of the carnage of it's victims! Love! Hate! Vengeance! Healing! Life! Death! Renewal! All come into play in a great legend that will be told for years and years to come! _

_Or at least, that's how it would be if this author wasn't cheep and unimaginative._

**MEANWHILE, IN A TINY TOWN IN COLORADO**

"How could she!" Marik, an Egyptian native who decided to become inexplicably evil and plot very bad things in a suburban town, was screaming at what he just saw. "I ADMIRED HER ALL THROUGH MY YOUTH! WHY DID SHE DO THIS TO ME!" SHE BETRAYED ME! _SHE BETRAYED ME!_"

"…and test have shown that Mary-Kate Olsen is indeed anorexic," said the news reporter. "Now, here's Jean with sports."

"NOOOOO!" Marik screamed, crashing his fist down through the arm of the love seat he was sitting on when he heard the particular bulleton on the five o'clock news. "I DON'T WANT TO SEE JEAN WITH SPORTS! MARY-KATE! WHY YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU?"

Ever since he saw their detective series, Mary-Kate and Ashley have been his heroes. He has brought every book and DVD of their work, and knows every line to each. When he heard one of his heroes had an eating disorder, he was dissolved in a fit of rage (IOW a temper tantrum), which he managed to deal with by throwing his Millennium Rod through the TV.

"I'm back from getting groceries and submitting my resume to get as far away from this rat hole as humanly possible," said Odion, quite possibly the only person on the face of the Earth who Marik liked. He needed a better job anyway.

"Odion!" Marik whined. "The TV said Mary-Kate was anorexic!"

"Don't tell me you destroyed the TV again!" Odion said angrily. "Why do you carry that thing around anyway?"

"Cause I can!" Marik said angrily, prying his rod from the twisted and sparking remains of the TV. "Plus, it matches my earrings!...Oh great, now I'm bored!"

"Go play on the computer!" Odion said, beginning his attempt to put the TV back together.

"I destroyed that too," Marik said. "You see, I was cruising fan fiction dot net, and there was this story that said I fell in love with some loser named Bakura, who I just found out was a guy. I got mad…"

"WHY DON"T YOU USE THAT STRESS BALL I GOT YOU?" Odion asked angrily.

"I destroyed that too," said Marik.

"Well fine," Odion said, still fixing the TV. "Then just go and do that thing you always wanted to do, but usually after your done ranting about it you go watch Wheel of Fortune. Oh…what was it…"

"Bake the perfect apple pie?" Marik said.

"No…the other one…" Odion said.

"Solve the world's energy crisis and blame it on television?" Marik asked.

"No..." Odion said.

"Take over the world?" Marik asked.

"Yeah…that one…" Odion said.

"Okay!" Marik said. "I suppose I have to get that Millenium Puzzle thing first…"

"Why?" Odion asked said, wondering what tool he needed to use to somehow put the TV back together.

"You see, it's just like my sister told me about that one time…" Marik said, as the wavy flashback effects started to work.

**THAT ONE TIME**

"Okay Marik," Ishizu said, chilling with him in their underground home. Marik was supposed to get his history lesson, but today he got something a little different. "Now it's time for your lesson on highly dangerous things that can destroy the world."

"Yay!" seven year old Marik said.

"Okay," Ishizu said. "The first thing is if Barney became a military superpower."

With that, she held up a huge billboard with a picture of Barney holding a hand grenade and a rocket launcher on his back.

"Yay!" Marik said.

"The second thing is if Jessica Simpson found a way to create a new line of exploding imitation butter," said Ishizu. Then, she held up a billboard with a picture of Jessica Simpson wearing a halter top and low rise jeans throwing a tub of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' at a building, causing it to collapse.

"Yay!" said Marik.

"The third thing is if somehow, an evil psycho got a hold of the ancient Millennium Puzzle and manipulated its evil and dangerous powers," Ishizu finished. This time she held up a picture of the Millennium Puzzle.

"Yay!" Marik said.

"Now, who wants sugar?" Ishizu said, holding up a huge bag of raw sugar.

"ME! ME!" Marik cried.

**BACK TO OUR IDIOT'S MEANINGLESS LIVES**

"Those were such happy times…" Marik said.

"How could you remember?" Odion said, getting out the wrenches. "Half of the time you collapsed and were in a coma for days because you were sugar high!"

"That's not the point!" Marik said. "You're right Odion! It's high time I do something useful with my life! And what better way than to take over the world! And due to my TV viewing ability, I have learned the location of Yugi Mutou, the bearer of the Millennium Puzzle!"

"Where?" Odion asked.

"Some hick town called Domino City," Marik said. "Now, I know what I must do!"

With that, he walked over to his role desk and pulled out a pad of stationary and a purple gel pen.

"I," Marik said, "Marik Ishtar, shall now…write a neatly written letter politely requesting Yugi Mutou to hand over his puzzle! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

With that, Marik began to scribble down a work of truly genius penmanship! Oh, how he wrote! The perfect spelling! The well-crafted, grammatically correct sentences! His pen scratched and scratched upon his pretty stationary featuring cute little duckies wearing bathing suits and inner tubes. It read thus:

_Dear Yugi Mutou,_

_I realize that, being a kick-arse duelist, you are often being hounded by the media, and it must be increasingly difficult to keep your puzzle safe from thieves, vagrants, or overall yahoos. So, I propose that you hand complete possession of your puzzle over to me, and I will keep it until you are a completely useless has been, and teenagers all over the world will ask 'Yugi who?'_

_Thank you for your time._

_Marik Ishtar_

"It's genius Odion!" Marik yelled with delight. "GENIUS!"

"That wasn't quite the word I was looking for…" Odion said.

**A FEW DAYS LATTER AT YUGI MUTOU"S HOUSE!  
**

Yugi's Grandfather walked down to the mailbox to see what was in the mail today. He pulled out one bill, two eviction notices, one death threat, one magazine subscription, a free trip to the Florida, and a letter with an envelope with a cute little ducky wearing a pair of swim trunks and an inner tube.

Grandpa was perplexed by the mysterious letter, and why it was written with stationary featuring cute little duckies wearing bathing suits and inner tubes. He looked at the return address.

_Marik Ishtar.  
__WHERE I LIVE IS NOT IMPORTANT! YOU WILL NEVER TRACE ME! NEVER!  
__MUA HA HA HA HA HA!_

"Marik…that's a girl's name isn't it…" Yugi's grandpa said, walking back to the house. With that, he walked back into the game shop and opened the door.

"Yugi!" Grandpa called. "Somebody named Marik sent you a letter!"

"That's a girl's name isn't it," said Yugi, reading his 'Sailor Moon' manga with Yami on his bed. "It's probably another one of Yami's fan-girl letter's Grandpa! Throw it in the huge trash heap with the others!"

"What do you mean with the others?" Yami asked curiously, looking up from the manga.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

"-and so, the earthquake has completely ravaged all of the West Coast, leaving millions without power of adequate junk food-" the announcer on TV announced.

"AH HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Marik screamed with laughter as Odion was vacuuming the hallway in an apron. "Odion, you have got to check out this new sitcom! It's hilarious!"

"Uh…yeah," Odion said, trying to vacuum under the sofa's of which everyone knows are the most impossible places to vacuum. 'All the hard to reach spaces'. HA! This was the last time Odion listened to the smooth talking yet incredibly bad actors on infomercials.

"Hey did the mail come?" Marik asked.

"Yes," Odion said.

"Did I get anything?" Marik asked.

"If you got something, wouldn't I have just walked up to you and gave it to you?" Odion asked.

"Well, I don't really know you that well!" Marik said.

"You've known me all your life," Odion said.

"What did we get in the mail Odion?" Marik asked.

"Two bills, three pieces of junk mail, my new issue of _Subservience Monthly_, one eviction notice, two death threats, one letter bomb, and a partridge in a pair tree."

"Oh, stop being sarcastic Odion," Marik said.

"No, I'm not kidding," Odion said. "We got a partridge in a pear tree. See?"

He pointed to the other end of the room to a decorative pear tree with a happy little bird sleeping in it.

"Oh, I thought that was always there," Marik said. "Oh darn, it's been two weeks! ODION! Fetch me my stationary! I need to write another letter!"

_Dear Yugi Motou,_

_I can see my previous letter to you has gotten lost in the mail, and I will only see it again when it appears on a talk show forty years from now. However, I am willing to re-tell my proposition to you.  
_

_You may think you're so cool, but one day, you are going to be a useless wannabe with no life pumping gas somewhere. Until then, I want to keep your Millennium Puzzle safe and give it back to you when you need it to remind you of your brief and entirely useless youth and glory days._

_Cheers,_

_Marik Ishtar_

---ooo---

Meanwhile, unsuspecting to the world, a dangerous mission was being brewed at the local government headquarters, STUPID, Supplementary Tactical Unraveling and Persecution of Insane Delinquents. STUPID takes pride in tracking down lawbreakers of all kind, and its clever disguise was and is that of an everyday Home and Garden's store! In one conference hall, unfortunately, all was not right.

Enter Bianca Hayasaka, and Tish Tamakashi, probably the two most up and coming agents in the business. They were the most deadly pair ever since they left the academy. Bianca, a long haired red headed, brown eyed, tall, thin, and graceful-figured beauty, while lacking most basic intelligence (and I mean the _most _basic), greatly advance in raw strength, dexterity, knowledge of charming opponents into false senses of security, and expert weapon use and close combat. Her partner and best friend, Tish, a short, tri-colored haired (her base color silver white, despite the fact she was in her twenties, with black and orange streaked in), green and grey eyed, willowy girl, a little bit shorter than Bianca, possessed not only a massive amount of intelligence, but mastery in strategy, cunning, catlike reflexes, and a sharp wit (this is starting to sound like 'Kiddy Grade', isn't it?). Only three months out of the academy, and they already had their first mission.

"Here's the nice hot water for your foot soak Mr. Boss," said Tish, angrily carrying in a basin of hot water in a skin-tight body suit.

"AND I GOT THE FRUIT!" said Bianca happily, skipping in, also in a skin-tight body suit.

"Thank you girls, my feetzies felt all saaaad," said a balding man at the head of the table. "I suppose I should give you an actual mission by now…"

"One that doesn't involve soaking your putrid feet?" asked Tish.

"The fruit looks so happy! Don't you think so Tish?" asked Bianca.

"Boo…" said Tish threatening. (_A/N Boo is Bianca's nickname)_

"Tell me…" said Mr. Boss, holding up a crude, stick figure with a frowny face that looked like Marik, who was sticking his tongue out. "Do you recognize…THIS MAN?"

"No, I can't say," said Tish. "I haven't met many stick figures in my life…"

"La la la la la…HAPPY FRUIT!" said Bianca, picking up an orange and an apple and making them dance on the table.

"His name is Marik Ishtar, and he is one of our most wanted men!" said Mr. Boss. "His list of past discrepancies is incredible! Have a look!"

"Um…" said Tish, flipping through a file labeled 'Marik Ishtar the Pig Dog', "He doesn't have a single thing on file, except one."

"IT'S HORRIBLE ISN'T IT?" screamed Mr. Boss.

"No…" said Tish.

"NEVERTHELESS!" screamed Mr. Boss. "Your assignment is to go to the place he is predicted to strike next, Domino City, a classic hick town, disguise yourself as a local, and hunt him down like a dog, to right this terrible crime! Do I make myself clear Ms. Tamakashi and Ms. Hayasaka?"

"Do we get fruit after?" asked Bianca.

"Uh…sure," said Mr. Boss.

"WE'RE IN!" screamed Bianca.

"Whatever," said Tish. "Don't bother to give us way-cool gadgets, just hand over the plane tickets."

"What plane tickets?" asked Mr. Boss.

"We have to buy our own plane tickets?" asked Tish in shock.

"Until you're promoted!" said Mr. Boss.

"I hate this job," said Tish, dragging Bianca away from the basket of fruit by the back of her suit.

**ANOTHER FEW DAYS LATTER**

"Yugi," Grandpa called from downstairs, "that Marik girl wrote you another letter. I think she really wants you to read it!"

"What makes you say that?" Yugi asked from upstairs, painting his toes with Yami.

"She doused the entire letter with a perfume that smells eerily like pizza," Grandpa said.

"She's just another of Yami's fangirls Grandpa!" Yugi said. "Burn them with the others!"

"Just how many of those letters am I getting?" Yami asked.

**BACK WITH THE WEIRDOES**

"-and so, Sparkles the magical blue pony went off to the far away land of Pixiebutt, where all of the kind sprites, elves, fairies, red dogs, and milkmen took care of him forever and ever. The end," said Odion, closing up the huge story book with a pink bunny on the cover, entitled 'Bed Time Stories for Babies or Pathetic Fools."

"Oh, that was such a happy story Odion!" Marik said, covered under his pink coverlet in his bed, while Odion was sitting in a rocking chair not far from it.

"Ee-yah, that," Odion said.

"So, anything in the mail?" Marik asked.

"WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT NOW?" Odion screamed.

"I dunno," Marik said.

"You didn't get anything from Yugi, alright?" Odion said. "He's a celebrity! I'm sure he doesn't answer every single letter he gets!"

"But…but…" Marik said, huge purple eyes shiny and filled with tears.

"Look, will the story of Happy the Magic Can Opener make you feel better?" Odion asked.

"No, I think I need to drown in sorrow now!" Marik said sadly, burring his face in the pillows and bawling at the top of his lungs.

"That's it, just let it all out…let it all out…"Odion said, going downstairs to watch _Survivor_.

---ooo---

"I still can't believe that we have to buy plane tickets…" said Tish, still in her secret agent uniform, in some random airport in England, talking to the ticket seller. "Two tickets to Domino City please."

"Round trip?" said the attendant.

"Yep," said Tish.

"THIS EVIL FRUIT MACHINE WON'T GIVE ME MY BANANAS!" said Bianca, also in her black, skin-tight body suit, violently kicking the fruit machine, then, eventually giving up with pure rage, opened up her suitcase in the shape of a huge, happy, smiling frog, pulled out a H.E.A.T. gun, and blew a hole through it, until a small bunch of charred bananas fell through the slot.

"That reminds me," said the ticket seller, pulling out a small cardboard box with a piece of paper labeled 'Weppins', "hand over your arms ladies."

"Aw…" said Tish, opening one of her suit cases, and dumping out two rail guns, a Sig Sauer 9MM, and a grenade launcher, as well as several ammo cartridges. "You too Bianca."

"No fun airline people," said Bianca, dumping out her suit case, which was full of weapons along the same lines. It took her a while to let go of her H.E.A.T. cannon, but Tish managed to persuade her by saying that if she didn't, she'd force her to eat health food and not her regular three square meals of Snikers. They both were heading to the plane when-

"_All _of them," said the ticket seller.

Tish gave Bianca a look, and Bianca sighed, walking over with her purse, pulling out her makeup case, snapping it open, and pouring out an assortment of smoke bombs and small grenades. And so, the two L33T 4G3NTZ of Doom headed off to Domino. So was the first step in the chaos and madness that was to come. For from their exodus, from all over the world, weirdoes would be cued to converge over one spot…and doom was to ensure (not to mention a fanfic).

---ooo---

CHAPTER ONE! BWA HA!

I am terribly sorry about the shortness. Don't worry, upcoming chapters will be much longer.

Thank you so much to everyone who's reading this right now! If you're not familiar with my updating system, I always do it on Friday, so keep an eye out for it!

Next time, all of you will get to see Marik kiss a television set, the Doom Biker's playing PC Monopoly, a ice cream salesperson getting barbequed by a heat ray, and so much more!

Anyway, I hope you liked it, and if you are a Marik fangirl, please don't kill me. Just asking. Anyway, review me pleasy, and hope to see you next chapter!


	2. Meanwhile

Hooray! You're back! I missed you…whoever you are…

REVIEW TIME!

Mokuba's Offical Glomper

WOOT! MOG! (Waves wildly) I'm glad you're sticking around to see this story too! Ah, I can't wait to see what horrible things your going to do to poor little Marik-chan!

You know, it would be funny if Marik moved to…oh god…CANADA! But still. Now I'm kind of ranting. OH! Alister shows up in this chapter, as well as all of his palls! That should make you happy!

Thank you again! Enjoy the chapter!

Bilbo-sama

I can not wait to see what your name changes too…maybe…if I could change mine, I'd become Abnormdaplume from the French-ish (I hope) word _no deplume _(I think that's it), which sounds like normdeplume, which would be cooler if it got changed to Abnormdaplume. Or Shrilanka-San's Flying Circus…Or KarmaPolice…or GunsNButter…

Sorry, I just felt like ranting. Anyway, WELCOME BACK ON BOARD! And yes, to answer you're last question, I am a girl. What, you thought I was cuddling Seto and Ryo chibis for no good reason O.o.

How many fan letters does Yami get?

Okay, I'm done ranting. ENJOY THE CHAPPIE, AND THANKS FOR BEING BACK ON BOARD!

DhaniCauldwell

I checked out your profile. I liked it!

YAY! Thanks for reviewing! It's great to see other people are reading the stories. I need to write cooler summaries…yes I do…

TA DA! You have seen another chapter of this! I hope you like it! THANKIES FOR THE REVIEW!

Lefthandedfreak, JFM, and Danny the Dolphin

WOOT FOR DANNY THE DOLPHIN! (Hugs new dolphin friend). He reminds me of that Dilbert cartoon I liked so much (ha ha!).

I can't blame you for the delay on reviewing that last chapter. Even from my standpoint…IT WAS BLOODY LONG! Like two thousand words! Holy cow…

Aw, you lucky girl! Whenever you want to enter the dating spree is fine. One thing for sure is I'm not ready. And now, a brief look at what would happen if Shri started dating…

Hot Guy: I really liked that movie, didn't you Shri?

Shri: Yeah, it would have been cooler if it was a cartoon though.

Hot Guy: Uh…hey, here's the restaurant! Fancy pants waiter, table for two!

Fancy Pants Waiter: Do you have a reservation?

Hot Guy: Yes, under Hot Guy With Sparkling Personality and Fat Loads of Cash!

Fancy Pants Waitor: Yes, right this way sir…(seats them down) can I get you anything else?

Hot Guy: Just a water please…

Shri: Double thick banana milkshake please!

Fancy Pants Waitor: Right away.

(awkward silence)

Shri: Hey, do you watch Yu-Gi-Oh?

And it would all go downhill from there.

Anyway, thanks for listening to the rant! APRICOTS! Enjoy this chapter.

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

You know, I actually like the idea of Yugi burning Yami's fan letters. Ryo does the exact same thing to Yami-Bakura's (HA!).

Marik plays a very crazy kind of role in this story, so if you thought that was insane, believe me, it's only going to get worse. Let me put it this way; in the last fic, I mistreated all the characters I liked, so imagine how weird it's going to be when it comes to a character I have neutrals feelings toward…

Thank God I only have to take one language at my school. And you can even skip it as long as you take something like business. AND WHO WANTS TO TAKE BUSINESS? And yet, the classes are always overflowing. Oh well…

Anyway, I AM SO HAPPY YOUR BACK TO READ THIS STORY TOO! Thank you so much! WHEE! Please enjoy this chapter!

Blade-fairy

I certainly will continue! I hope you keep reading it!

Enjoy the next one, and thanks for the review!

Fuzzy Bunny

Isn't that the truth?

Anyway, ha! I didn't know. LOCK YOUR DOORS! It was kind of fun making that list, and it took me many weeks not to look at it and burst into giggling fits.

Where are the Mary Sues? Do you mean Tish and Bianca? No, they aren't that bad…OR ARE THEY? BWA HA HA!

Thanks for coming back too Fuzzy Bunny! Please enjoy the next chapter!

LoneFlyinTigers

Yup, it always is!

Tish and Bianca do sound a little like Seto and Joey, huh? Which is odd, because I really wanted them to stand out as individual characters T.T. Oh well, the fic is young! Who knows? There are some very surprising and scary things about them you'll soon learn.

A lot of people really liked the bedtime stories. Hee hee! Anyway, thanks for the review! Catch ya latter!

Amarie Miriel

Hooray! I'm glad you think it looks good so far! Bianca certainly has Joey's brain cell.

I'm glad someone liked the ducky stationary! For some reason, I have been seeing a lot of T-shirts and office supplies and other stuff with frogs and ducks. I don't get it. But still, it makes a killer idea for a fan fiction thing!

I'm glad you still want to keep reading! HOORAY! Thankie spankies! Enjoy this chapter!

Gothangelmyu

Sounds like your really going to like Marik. Believe me, this is only one small step on the many bizarre things that Marik's going to do.

Ah, nothing like making Marik listen to silly bedtime stories. Thank you for the review! Enjoy the next chapter!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Sarah M, Marik, and Yami

You know, I've never realized it, but 'Cardcaptors' is a little like 'Yu-Gi-Oh' isn't it? Except Sakura gets a really cool wand and the only thing Yami gets is a weird hairdo…

Ha ha! I'm glad to see your still in the Mix Mika/Saz! WOOT WOOT! Please enjoy the next chapter, and thank you as always for the reviews!

Pointe Master

I'm glad you're back too!

Please keep liking it! I'll keep chugging out the insanity! Thank you so much!

Chapter Two

Meanwhile…

_In which we discover that sometimes the solutions to all of Man's questions lies in TV._

"Marik," Odion said, poking his head around the door of Marik's room after watching a particularly bad episode of Survivor, where no cool people got kicked off, only the loser ones who were complete foobs. "Are you done crying y-"

Then, he saw it. There, on the bed, was a note folded into an origami chicken, and Marik was missing, with only his favorite plushy, Dipsy-Doodles, on the not-so-well-made-bed.

"Must he always be dramatic?" Odion said, opening up the paper chicken, revealing the note inside.

_Odion, I have gone off to find the answers to all my questions, drown my sorrow, think of a cunning plan, and by a tub of Purities Ice Cream. DON'T BOTHER COMING AFTER ME! I'VE MADE UP MY MIND!_

"Darn, he's going to terrorize the town again," Odion said, looking for his car keys. "Better go after him before the mob drags him home again…or the police…or the ambulance…."

**MEANWHILE, AT THE DARK AND INCREDIBLY EVIL LAIR OF DARTZ, AND HIS THREE IDIOT EMPLOYES CONVIENIENTLY LOCATED RIGHT NEXT TO A LOCAL BORDERS BOOK STORE!**

"YOU MONSTROUS FIEND!"

"Dude, it was an accident."

"I OUGHTA TURN YOU'RE FILTHY HIDE INSIDE OWT!"

"I'm sorry already!"

"AH'LL KILL YOU!"

"So I accidentally took your turn," Alistar said irritably as Valon was shooting him many dirty looks and threats (as well as some impolite hand gestures) over taking his turn at computer Monopoly.

"Yeah, well Ah'll just take yer turn then!" Valon said angrily, making Alister's race car trade all his money and property for Baltic Avenue.

"HEY! STOP IT!" Alistar cried.

"IT 'URTS DOESN'T IT? **DOESN'T IT?**" Valon screamed at the top of his lungs.

"YOU DIRTY AUSTRALIAN SON OF A DINGO!" screamed Alistar.

"BRING IT ON GIRLY MAN!" Valon spat back.

And so, Alistar dived on top of Valon, and the two got into a cat fight along the ground arount the PC that seemed very out of place in an accient temple thing of the great whatshisname-

"It's Leviathan you stupid narrator," said Rafael, suddenly walking into this story, observing the red-headed basket case scratch and tear at the Australian basket case, who was doing very much of the same thing. "Honestly, why do you always fight with each other when you play Monopoly on the computer? It's annoying!"

"HE ROLLED THE DICE FOR ME!" Valon screamed.

"HE'S AN IDIOT!" Alistar screamed.

"As true as both statements are, you should really act like mature adults instead of-hey! THAT MEANS YOU ROLLED FOR ME!" Rafael yelled.

"So?" Alistar asked.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!" Rafael screamed, and he jumped into the fight, so now a blonde macho-man, a guy wearing a belly bearing shirt, and an Australian lunatic who looked like Tai from _Digimon_ were know attempting to all kill each other for no good reason at all, as usual.

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" Dartz asked dangerously, walking in wearing a chef's hat and a starched pink apron, carrying a pan full of dough in a pair of oven mitts. "You three better not be fighting over a PC game again! I swear, if my soufflé drops, you all will get the worst verbal warning of you're pathetic lives!"

"Sor-ry Mas-ter Daaartz," they all said dully in unison, pulling themselves up and brushing off.

Dartz sighed to himself as he got a good look of his help. "Honestly, I suppose I can't really blame all of you. What with your felonious tendencies, brutal pasts, and overall sugar intake."

"Cool! We don't need to take responsibility for our own problems!" Valon said, as Rafael kicked him in the shin.

"Anyway, the point is that none of us has done anything to outlet our surplus energy for the past couple of days," Dartz said.

"That's not true, we sent five different chain letters today," Alistar said.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Dartz. "The point is we need to do something organized yet evil to pass the time away until we get our own part in the show."

There was silence for a second.

"So…" Rafael asked.

"So, we'll all do something we always wanted to do!" Dartz said. "Now, what's something you always wanted to do?"

"Hmmm…" the three thought.

**VALON'S DAYDREAM**

"LAADIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEES AAAAAAAAND GENTLEMEEEEEEEN! WELCOME TO THE TWEN-TY FIRST ANNUAL…

MONKEEEEEEEEY….WRESTLING!" screamed an announcer person.

The crowd was wild as everyone in the stands screamed with joy at the pathetic sport of no talent, athletic ability, or strategy.

"IN THIIIIIS CORNAAAAAAAAR, WEIGHNG A CERTAIN NUMBER OF POUNDS THAT HER REFUSED TO TELL US, VAAAAAAAAAAAALOOOOON!"

Several girls screamed, and the guys all whooped.

"IN THIS CORNAAAAAAAAR, A MONKEY NAMED DAAAAAVIS!"

Everyone booed and threw various items worth trash at the poor chimpanzee plush toy.

"FIGHT!"

With one blow, Valon knocked the plush toy out.

"THE WINAAAAAAAA IS VAAAAAAAAAALOOOOOOOON!"

Flowers, gold coins, and screams of joy were thrown on stage, and Valon, looking quite good without a shirt on, basked in his new found pride in his profession.

"This just in," said a random television on the side of the ring. "Joey Wheeler is dead."

"Woo-hoo!" Valon said.

"BYYYYYYY THE WAAAAAAAAAAY! I LIKE YOU'RE DOOOOOOOG BOOOOOOOOIZ!"

Alistar and Rafael stood in the side of the ring, both wearing dog costumes.

**ALISTER'S DAYDREAM**

"Truly this is a historic moment in history!" said some random TV reporter in a corner of the screen as a bunch of cameras flicked on an off behind her. "Today, every world leader around the globe has decided to end all wars, violence, and terrorism…FOREVER! And, oh look, here's the brilliant man behind it all, Alister, who is _clearly _not a girly man! ALISTER! May we please have a word?"

"I suppose…" said Alister, dressed up in a blazer.

"Mr….do you have a last name?" asked the reporter.

"That's for me to know, and you to find out," said Alister.

"Anyway, are you excited that your dream is about to finally come true?" asked the reporter.

"Yes, I'm very happy," said Alister. "It took a long time to find common ground in the issues, such as resources, land claims, barriers of ethnicity-"

"I'm not signing this!" said one of the UN members. That's when Alister pulled out the dreaded shoulder Plushie Launcer. The UM member looked frightened for a moment, then quickly signed the bill.

"And a lot of military threat. Yeah, that too," said Alister.

"Well congratulations!" said the news reporter, but then, she quickly listened into her ear piece. "Breaking news! Seto Kaiba is dead…in a long, slow, and painful death…"

"SWEET!" screamed Alister.

"By the way, I love your Dog Boys!" said another reporter from the other side of the room, as Valon and Raphael both sulked in a corner wearing dog costumes.

**RAPHAEL'S DAYDREAM**

"Yes, truly this is the greatest moment in the history of royal weddings," said a reporter, as Raphael stood on the alter of a church, as his Guardian Cards were being carried up to him, on a white, lace pillow. "Mr. Raphael's three Guardian Cards are what is nothing short of royalty, ever since the disillusionment of the three branches of government. And now, they are all about to be married in one of the grandest weddings to date in history."

The music stopped and the priest cleaned his throat.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bear witness to the union of little pieces of paper, and a delusional, muscle-caked blonde loony," said the priest. "Do you, Raphael, take these little pieces of paper to forever be your…marriage partners?"

"I do," said Raphael.

"And do you, Guardians Neatos, Grual, and Kaies, take this screaming loony to be your legal binding husband?"

Silence.

"I do," Raphael said at a high pitched voice at the corner of his mouth.

"Whatever, kiss the cards," said priest.

"This just in," said a TV on the side of the room. "The Pharaoh, and pretty much everyone else in the world, have just died."

"SWEET!" screamed Raphael.

"Oh, and by the way," said the priest to Raphael. "I love your Dog Boys."

Alister and Valon sat in the back row, both wearing dog costumes.

---ooo---

"Aaaaaah…" the Doom Bikers sighed in ecstasy.

"I've got it!" said Dartz.

"Yes?" said the three Doom Bikers excitedly.

"Let's go steal the Millennium Puzzle!" said Dartz, who cheered happily, while all the Doom Bikers looked somewhat disappointed.

---ooo---

Marik was wandering around in the streets, with really sad music playing in the background for dramatic emphasis, wondering how he was ever going to possibly steal the Millennium Puzzle if Yugi never answered his letters.

"There has to be some way," said Marik, as a UFO fell from the sky and crash landed only thirty feet behind him, as bug eyed aliens starting to jump out and zap everything in sight. "Think…think…think…OH PLEASE RA! SEND ME A SIGN!"

So Marik turned up to the sky, waiting for some magical sign from above. Just then, a weird chorus began playing in the background, and the sky began to split apart, as the clouds slowly began to part in the sky, as light started to blossom in the cracks and-

"HURRY IT UP ALREADY!" said Marik, and the music went in fast forward, and the clouds completely split open, revealing the Winged Dragon of Ra there.

"Alright girly boy, what is it?" asked the Winged Dragon.

"Yeah, I have a bit of a problem…" said Marik to the huge winged dragon in the sky.

"There's a psychiatrist and or a doctor down the road. Good day," said the golden dragon, and the sky was about to close up when-

"WAIT! It's not like that!" said Marik, and the clouds opened up again. "It's just that, I want to help conquering the world, and I think that the only way to do it is get this twit named Yugi's Millennium Puzzle. But the problem is, whenever I send him a letter asking him to hand it over, he doesn't write back. What should I do?"

"What the heck do I look like? An agony aunt?" asked the Winged Dragon of Ra.

"Please tell me what to do! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?" begged Marik.

"Look pall, I'm a hallucination of a divine being, and I have better things to do than help any sobbing, bleach-blonde twit that comes walking along begging for a sign," said the winged dragon. "So I'll leave you with this. Who do you usually go to looking for divine wisdom?"

"Odion and the TV?" asked Marik.

"Bingo," said Ra.

"SWEET! I'LL GO WATCH TV!" said Marik, running to the nearest Best Buy.

"I need a new job," said the Winged Dragon of Ra to himself, as the sky began to close up, and the chorus died away.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!" called Odion a couple streets away, still trying to hunt down his brainless babysittie. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

---ooo---

"Yami?" whispered Ryo to his Yami, who was sitting up in bed. "Yamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, are you awake? Yamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

_Just ignore him Bakura…_thought YB to himself

"YAMI YOU BETTER TALK TO ME, OR I'LL READ NANCY DREW NOVELS TO YOU AGAIN!" yelled Ryo.

"Oh fine! What is it? Like I already know…" said YB.

"Yami…" said Ryo.

_He's going to say it _thought Yami darkly.

"Will I ever get married?" Ryo asked with huge, happy brown eyes.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME THAT FREAKIN' QUESTION AT ONE TWENTY FOUR AM?" asked YB.

"Because!" Ryo said cutely.

"OH MY GOD! HOW LOW HAS MY LIFE FALLEN?" YB cried. "I used to be the greatest tomb robber in all of Egypt! And now look at me! I'm a three thousand year old guy who babysits a wussy Hikari, and after all of this, I only have _two _Millennium Items!"

"So will I ever get married?" asked Ryo.

"I DON'T KNOW!" said YB "I _would _know if I had the Millennium Necklace, but nooooooooooooooooooo, all I've got is a stupid dream catcher thing and an eyeball! And I can't use the eyeball, because you practically have to maim yourself to!"

"You really have a one-track mind you psychopathic, ranting, shallow minded megalomaniac?" asked Ryo in a sweet voice.

"Shut up, I'm caught in an 'I need Millennium Items' mental spiral," said YB. "THAT'S IT! NO MORE! MONDAY, I DON'T CARE, I'M GOING TO MARCH RIGHT UP TO YUGI AND STEAL THAT **BEEP**IN MILLENNIUM PUZZLE!"

"This is kind of sudden, isn't it?" asked Ryo. But it was too late, Yami possessed him, and he got shoved back in his little corner of his mind…the not nicer one.

---ooo---

"Okay!" said Marik, sitting down in front of a large, plasma TV on display in Best Buy. "This will be easy! All I have to do is watch a bunch of different TV shows, and when one gives me a great idea, I use it to take over the world!"

Marik picked up the remote for the displayed TV, and turned it to the first channel…to see those weird colored bar things with the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep to signify the station's off the air.

"CRUD! Next channel!" said Marik, flipping it up one.

"And tonight on 'Nature', we are going to watch violent and suggestive material hidden by the whole 'Nature Documentary' idea, which we defiantly couldn't show on public television if it had anything to do with humans!" said the announcer.

"No, probably not, but that wildebeest does kind of look like Ra…" said Marik.

"I HEARD THAT!" called the Ra hallucination from outside, as Marik changed the channel.

"Next, we introduce a brand new reality show about sixteen men who desperately need to get a new job by creating a great idea for a reality show!" said the announcer.

"Um…a little closer, but no," said Marik, switching the channel again.

"Today on CNN-"

"Definitely not," said Marik, switching the channel.

"On Lifetime Original Women, a widow, haunted by her past, tries to escape the clutches of her ex-stalker by disguising herself as a common teacher in a local high school to get enough money to leave the country on _Runaway_," said the announcer.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Marik. "I can disguise myself as one of the students in Yugi's High School to convince him to hand over his puzzle! IT'S GENIUS! Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Because you're insane!" called the Ra hallucination from outside.

"GO AWAY ALREADY!" yelled Marik. "NOW IT'S TIME TO PUT ASIDE ALL OF MY PAST FAILURES! NO MORE TEARS! NO MORE DEPRESSION! NOW I, MARIK ISHTAR, SHALL MOVE FOREWARD WITH MY LIFE!"

That's when a film was run behind him of a huge crowd cheering and clapping.

"Thank you TV!" said Marik, kissing the huge plasma TV on the screen.

"Sir, I must ask you not empower yourself in the display section of this store, or make out with them," said a pimply teen worker.

"Fine! I'll just go have ice cream!" said Marik, happily skipping off to the ice cream store not far from Best Buy, leaving kissy marks all over the Plasma TV.

---ooo---

"Alright kids!" said Dartz to his three…um, 'kids'. "Ready to go off to destroy the free world?"

"Yes Master Dartz," they all said dully.

"Valon, you went to the bathroom, right?" said Dartz. "We don't want to have a repeat of the 'Peabody Hotel Fiasco', do we?"

"I don't need to go…wait, hold on," said Valon, running off to the bathroom. Everyone else sweat dropped.

"Alister, you didn't forget Blanky, did you?" asked Dartz.

"Nope," said Alister, patting his suitcase, which had a little bit of a cloth with teddy bears peeking out form inside it. Everyone remembered the last time he forgot it, and cried all night, not to mention wanted hugs every three minutes.

"Raffy, do you have your medicine?" asked Dartz.

"I don't need my medicine!" said Raphael.

"Raffy, your mentally unstable, so as your employer, I must ask you that if you do want to leave it behind, at least take a lot of really dangerous weapons with you," said Dartz.

"I've got this really big axe," said Raphael, holding up a huge, bloodstained (actually, it was finger paint), double-bladed axe.

"That'll work!" said Dartz, as a flushing sound came from the background, and Valon walked in with a little toilet paper trailing from the bottom of his shoe. "Okay, let's head off to the broomsticks!"

"Aw, I hate the broomsticks!" said Alister. "I was digging splinters out of my butt for weeks the last time!"

"Yeah, use a teleportation spell, you cheapskate," said Raphael.

"Fine! You spoiled little mentally unstable delinquents!" said Dartz, pulling out a huge, pink magic wand with a silver star at the end of it.

---ooo---

Odion continued to follow a trail of silliness in search of Marik. It really wasn't hard, because when a hot, platinum blonde Egyptian dude carrying around a huge, gold stick walks down the street in tears, it's kind of hard not to notice, especially among the female population.

And his search led to a nearby street, where Marik had met his encounter with Ra.

"Oh, the idiot?" asked the Ra hallucination to Odion. "Yeah, he passed by a few minutes ago, probably going to watch TV…"

"Best Buy…" Odion said to himself. "Thanks hallucination!"

"Yeah, keep the _hallucination _awake all night, it's not like he has a life!" said the Ra hallucination bitterly, disappearing behind the clouds.

"DOOMED!" screamed an old peasant woman in the streets, drapped in a ragged black cape and pointing a knarled finger in Odion's direction. "CURSED ARE YE WHO BABYSITS THE ONE WHO OWNS THE ROD, FOR THOU ART DOOMED! THE RESURECTION OF ULTIMATE EVIL IS AT HAND, AND YE SHALL KNOW NOTHING BUT SORROW! SORROW AND THE DARKEST OF ALL PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"

Silence.

"Sorry, I didn't catch all of that," said Odion.

"WHAT ARE YAH, DEAF BUDDY?" screamed the old hag. "I SAID-"

But before she could say another word, she was hit by a speeding pickup truck, unfortunately not dying, but plastered to the front of it as it sped off down the street.

"Oh well, bet it wasn't important anyway…" said Odion.

How very wrong he was….MUA HA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HA-

Sorry, I'll stop.

---ooo---

"My god, what the heck is taking so long up there," said Marik impatiently, waiting at the back of the line in a Purities Ice Cream shop. "CAN YOU HURRY UP YOU STUPID EXTRA TERRESTRIALS?"

The bug-eyed aliens from earlier, the ones who crashed the UFO and started zapping stuff, all turned around and gave Marik a look.

"SOME OF US LIVE ON THIS PLANET YOU KNOW!" said Marik.

"I'm sorry sir," said the cashier, holding what looked like a cross between a button, a jumping jack, and a small organ in her hand given to her from the lead alien. "We don't accept currency from Planet Nor in the Arterial Galaxy."

That's when the alien pulled out a ray gun and barbequed her with it.

"Aw that's cold…" said the barbequed cashier. That's when the aliens got bored and started zapping everything in sight at the ice cream shop, causing everyone to unhappily walk out, upset that they couldn't finish their ice cream because a bunch of aliens were in a frenzy.

"MARIK! THANK RA I FOUND YOU!" said Odion, opening the door. "I had to ask some kid at Best Buy where you headed!"

"Hi Odion!" said Marik bitterly, as an alien began to measure the width of the top of his head. "Guess what? I was going to get some ice cream, but these stupid aliens came and began wrecking the place!"

"Um, yeah," said Odion, quickly pulling him away from the alien, who was just about to dissect Marik's head.

"On the bright side, I figured out what we can do to get Yugi's Millenium Puzzle!" said Marik, as the alien began shaking his fist and yelling in alien dialect at Odion.

"Oh, we're still on that?" asked Odion, dragging Marik out of the half-destroyed store.

"Maybe we can disguise ourselves as High Schoolers in his school, and steal his puzzle then!" said Marik. "Everyone knows that the modern High School is crawling with opportunities of potential muggings!"

"You really are insane," Odion commented.

"SO?" asked Marik.

"Let's just go home," said Odion. "I'm looking foreword to a nice, quiet Sunday…"

"No such luck Odion!" said Marik, as a lazer beam from one of the alien ray-guns missed his empty head. "TOMORROW, WE GO SCHOOL SHOPPING!"

---ooo---

Uh oh...Marik shopping, you know bad things are doomed to happen.

Next time, you get to see the horror of two manic GX character's, the horror of Bianca and Tish's Airline Ride o' Doom, and the worst of all…RICH GUYS WITH PINK HAIR!

Anyway, please come back next week!


	3. Pointy Pencils 'R Us

You know what…I have the oddest craving for insanity.

OKAY PEOPLE! It's time for a pre-note! In this chapter we meet characters from (OH NO!) Yu-Gi-Oh GX. For all of you people who are clueless to characters, the show starts in October, and Asuka shall be dubbed Alexis, and Shou shall be dubbed Syrus. However, Since GX dubnames are evil/stupid, I'm sticking to Asuka and Shou. They are cooler names. At least I think so. Bilbo-sama, if your out there…please don't hurt me if I screw things up T.T Okay! I'm done.

REVIEW TIME!

LoneFlyinTigers

Doesn't it though?

Oh, no worries about Tish and Bianca. I didn't mind. Hee hee, I'm glad you liked the Ra hallucination. And the Monopoly. I was really thinking of my insane Monopoly skills when I was writing it.

Thanks so much for the review! Enjoy this chapter wreathed with insanity!

Bilbo-sama

EVIL INVALID URL DANCE!

1. I like Zelda-sama the best. It's quick on the tongue, yet catchy at the same time.

2. DANGIT! Why didn't I think of that? A Fubuki/Asuka kick-butt team would have rocked out loud! Oh well, maybe you should take up the idea. Or maybe it will pop up in my next fic. Or something. I think it would be cool if you tried it though. I still liked the Driver's Ed fic XD!

3. Well, half of the gift is waiting for it I suppose. My brother's going to have a crush on Asuka, I just know it…he's a Tea fan, you see…

4. NOT THE PINK HAIR! There's more to this fiend than you think…

5. Thank you as always for the review! Enjoy the chappie!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

Yay! I wuv da insanity!

Oh god, your favorite male characters all stuck in the great web of insanity, fighting tooth and claw for their lives! Alister's acting really scary in this chapter, just as a warning, and Marik isn't exactly the sane head either. And when Seto shows up…oh god, I'm not sure how you're going to react! Anyway, enjoy the chapter again MOG, and may the torture continue!

Gothangelmyu

What's scary is that if someone really said 'If you love your cards so much, why don't you marry them?', Raffy would give an enthusiastic 'yes'. I think the Ra Hallucination just may show up again.

Thanks you for saying that! I was really hoping I could top TWOC off. THANK YOU GOTHANGELMYU! Enjoy the chapter!

Catapult Turtle

Will Ryo ever get married…hmm, I wonder…

Ah yes, ORAGAMI CHICKEN! Can you make an origami chicken? I don't know how to do it, that's for sure. But Marik has way too much time on his hands, so who really knows?

HA! You're right! What's funnier is exactly who she's after…but I don't want to give too much away!

Thank you for coming back to this fic as well! I was wondering if I'd ever hear from you again. ENJOY!

Anmarie Miriel

I'm usually the dog or the horse and rider on the game. And Baltic Avenue rocks! It reminds me of Baldric from Blackadder…

Anyway, it's always so much fun to write about the Doom Bikers, so they just had to show up in my long-term fics at some time. And the Millennium Ring, I think, could also make a really good Frisbee. So it's a ring/dreamcatcher/Frisbee? Odd, very odd…

Behold! The next chapter! I hope you like this one! Thank you so much again!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

Oh, you bet. He never has to spend a penny on firewood.

I don't know exactly. I think that Ryo just loves to annoy YB so much, he figures 'maybe if I ask him a really stupid question in the early hours of the morning repeatedly, he'll get annoyed out of his mind and go away' or something like that. Plus it was funny. I like giving Ryo a little control in the freaky relation between him and his Yami.

The aliens were just a random idea at the time, and then I thought 'how can I use them to annoy Marik further?', and the rest just came out.

Your sister can have it…if she can control it…not to mention find it. Dartz is a bit paranoid at times.

The daydreams took awhile to write for some reason. I guess I had a hard time think up their perfect fantasies.

Thank you for the cookies! Enjoy this chapter!

Fuzzy Bunny

PH34R THE ORAGAMI CHICKEN!

Dartz is insane! You have to be insane to have an evil lair anywhere remotely near to Starbucks! I mean, come on!

Nancy Drew is the worst form of torture! And even though he wants to kill my favorite CEO, I still kind of like Alister. I don't think the Ax of Insanity is going to show up though.

Thank you again Fuzzy Bunny! Enjoy!

Pointe Master

I take pride in my story line! And it's only going to get crazier!

You're so nice Pointe Master! So kind (blows nose). Thank you so so much again, and I hope you like this story.

Princess Mika of the Shadows

You've got holidays? CRUD! I'm still stuck at school…I need a holiday…

I don't hero-worship Valon! What makes you think that? The day I hero-worship him is the day I go brain dead or have absolutely no control over my lot in life…

DUBBERS ARE EVIL! It really doesn't make sense…but that's what happens when you translate to English for little kids, right? But then again, if it weren't for the dub, I wouldn't have found out about Yu-Gi-Oh in the first place, right?

Thank you so much for the funny review Princess Mika of the Shadows! WOOT! You rock!

Chapter Three

**POINTY PENCILS R' US**

_In which Dartz gets stuck in a tree._

"ARE YOU READY TO SHOP ODION?" asked Marik excitedly, standing outside the door of the house that they had hidden away in for the time being. Marik was hopping around outside, not caring that it was practically a torrential downpour with raindrops so huge that they can cause your head to bleed.

"No, I'm ready for you to do something stupid and hurt yourself," said Odion, pulling out a lot of band-aides and antiseptics and stuffing them in a First Aide kit.

"RIGHT!" said Marik. "This is it Odion! The first step on our long and glorious road to VICTORY! Soon, we shall rule the world! TAKE THAT DESTINY!"

"My Ra, you have issues," said Odion.

"YOUR STARTING TO SOUND LIKE THAT PSYCHIATRIST ODION!" said Marik. "Never mind! Hop on the motorcycle!"

"You can ride that rolling piece of metal and death yourself," said Odion. "The last time you took me for a ride on that thing, I need to get stitches in very uncomfortable places."

"Baby," said Marik.

"You're the one who cries every time you watch 'The Lion King'," said Odion.

"SHUT UP!" said Marik. "You can be a wuss if you want Odion, but I'm going to go out and face the world head on!"

"To bad your not using what you facing the world with," said Odion, as Marik threw on his helmet and ran off cheering excitedly. Three minutes later, as Odion was walking out the door with the first aide kit, there was a huge explosion from the garage that made every window in the house shudder.

"Uh…Odion…about the bus…" said Marik's singed head, poking out of the charred remains of the garage.

"I'll go look for more change," said Odion, going back into the house.

"And my arm…" said Marik. "I think it flew into the bathroom…"

---ooo---

**MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ON THE COAST OF OREGON**

A huge, smoldering wreckage of a ship was smoking in the distance, the only remains of a massive explosion that had taken place only a half and hour ago. No one witnessed the calamity over the rugged, open coastline except the many seagulls that screamed and cried over the waters.

While everyone survived the destruction of the passenger ship that was about to land in a port in California, two people didn't managed to get a life boat and had to swim to shore, fighting off the elements of the rapidly ebbing tide. One of them, incidentally, was the one who caused the accident.

"Shou, you idiot," said Asuka, our favorite Seto-look alike, except with more yellow-brown kind of hair and light brown eyes, dragging herself up the shoreline, as waves gently pushed wreckage of the ship onto the shoreline, "next time, tell me when you're going to use your particular brand of 'stress relief', okay?"

"You no fun Asuka!" said Shou, who was soaking wet, blue haired, with huge, gray-ish kind of eyes that looked eerily like Yugi's, and little eyeglasses that made him look cute.

"Look, Shou, when the waiter tells you pigs-in-a-blanket isn't on the menu, it's common sense not to blow up water fountains on the ship," said Asuka. "How many times have I told you that these things go down with one stray grenade?"

"WAAAAAAH! I'M SORRY ASUKA!" Shou cried, giving her a hug.

"And the hugging. _What _have I told you about the hugging?" asked Asuka.

"Sorry," said Shou, quickly pulling his hands back. "So where are we anyway?"

"Well, my guess is somewhere on the North-Western American part of the Pacific Coast," said Asuka. "My God, we're nowhere near Domino City, and we only have until tomorrow to get there. We're way out of driving distance, and thanks to somebody's little 'mishap' at the reception desk at JFK Airport, we're not allowed to fly anymore!"

"That was in self defense!" said Shou. "Did you see that guy? HE WAS GOING AT ME WITH A CAN OPENER!"

"He was going after the fruit can you asked him to open with a can opener with a can opener," said Asuka dryly. "I still don't see that as justification to cause a missile spree in the airport that injured ten people and destroyed two fruit machines."

"It was awfully sharp either way!" said Shou. "Anyway, are you positive that we need to get to Domino High by tomorrow?"

"Yes Shou, for the nine millionth time," said Asuka, pulling out her HHPC (Hand Held Processing Core, kind of like a computer, but much cooler, and hand-held), "according to government satellites and Central Intelligence Agencies all over the world, all the components for the resurrection of the Ultimate Evil will be in that area at that time, and what's worse, the chances of it happening are over ninety percent!"

"Well that means that there's an under ten percent chance that it won't!" said Shou.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand?" Asuka asked.

"Well…I kind of hoped the argument would be won on my side at this point," said Shou.

"Fine, I'll just have to look up some other means of transportation," said Asuka, typing in her HHPC.

"And what should I do?" asked Shou.

"I don't know…play the 'Sit in the Middle of the Ocean and Wait Until the Tide Comes In' Game," said Asuka.

"The one I played last week and nearly drowned?" asked Shou.

"Uh…maybe?" asked Asuka.

"No way, I'm not that dumb!" said Shou. "I'LL JUST WATCH TELEVISION PERSONALITIES!"

"Yes you are," said Asuka, as Shou found a TV that washed on shore and watched 'The View'.

---ooo---

"Hi little boy!" said the big, goofy voice of a guy in a huge, latex pencil costume. "Welcome to Pointy Pencils R' Us! Do you want a hug?"

"AAAAH!" screamed Marik at the top of his lung, hiding behind Odion's huge, purple cloak outside of the store. "MAKE IT GO AWAY ODION! MAKE IT GO AWAY!"

"What?" asked the guy, completely confused why a teenager would scream in pain at the sight of a guy in a pencil costume (besides the obvious)".

"Don't worry, he's a Kindergarten Dropout," said Odion.

"DIE, YOU ACCURSED FIEND!" screamed Marik at the top of his lungs. "DIE AND BE FORGOTON!"

"Uh…hey kids!" said the guy in a pencil costume, heading to a bunch of kids with their Mom.

"THAT'S RIGHT YOU RA DARNED MINION OF SET!" screamed Marik at the guy in the pencil suit. "MAY THAT BE A WARNING TO ALL OF YOUR KIND!"

"You are completely insane," said Odion, grabbing Marik and dragging him through the automatic doors and into Pointy Pencils R' Us (illegal in some states).

Yes, Pointy Pencils R' Us, the top store to buy any pencil or pencil-related product! Pencils, pencil sharpeners, huge red buttons that say 'I'm a nerd, because I just got back from Pointy Pencils R' Us,', and of course, signups for the PLC, the Pencil Lover's Club, a secre, vile, unholy cult determined to take over the world in a violent, bloody takeover, causing massive amounts of insanity to reign supreme, until they were the ultimate overlord of all writing utensils!

But more on them later.

"OH! OH! ODION! LOOK AT THE AT THE FOAM RUBBER PENCIL HATS!" said Marik excitedly, bouncing up and down after just passing a booth that said 'Signup For the Unholy Pencil Lover's Club who is Currently Plotting to takeover the world' (Foreshadowing Plot LTD) "CAN I HAVE A PENCIL HAT ODION? CANICANICANICANICANI-"

"_No_," Odion said for the six billionth time. "For Ra's sake, stop acting like a three year old…we're only here for pencils…"

"Where are the pencils?" asked Marik.

Odion had to admit, amidst all the pencil accessories, like pencil clothes and pencil sharpeners and pencil boxes and pencil protectors and pencils painters and pencil massagers and sign up forms for pencil babysitting service, there was little to know sign of any trace of an actual pencil.

"Um, excuse me," said Odion to a sale helper, who was wearing a huge, pencil-yellow apron. "Can you please direct us to the pencil isle?"

"The what?" asked the salesperson.

"The pencil isle…you know…pencils…" said Odion.

"Pencil whats?" asked the salesperson.

"Just pencils!" said Odion. "You know, pencils? Graphite? Wood? Chew on em? Pencils? THE THING YOUR STORE IS NAMED FOR?"

"Who comes here for _pencils_?" asked the salesperson.

"THE STORE IS A FRAPENING PENCIL STORE!" screamed Odion.

"Odion, do I look swank?" asked Marik, trying on the pencil hat.

"Humph. _Just_ coming for pencils?" asked the sale helper "Nothing to _help _the poor, innocent pencils in the world? You just want to just _buy _a pencil, AND NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL TO MAKE THEIR LIVES COMFORTABLE?"

"Uh, _yeah_," said Odion.

"Maybe the pink one…" said Odion, taking off the yellow pencil hat, and taking a long look at the pink one.

"I CAN'T STAND YOUR KIND, YOU KNOW THAT?" said the sale helper. "I CAN'T STAND HEARTLESS PEOPLE, WHO THINK THAT ALL A PENCIL NEEDS IS TLC, AND THEN WILL JUST FORCE THEM TO LIVE ON THEIR OWN, LIKE THEY'RE NOTHING!"

"You have issues, you know that right?" asked Odion.

"Hey, what does this button do?" asked Marik, pushing a huge red button that was sticking out of the wall labeled 'The Big Red Button That Will Cause a Huge Explosion to Break the General Conversation'.

BOOM!

The entire isle became a giant, smoldering crater.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to the manager…" said the sale helper.

---ooo---

"And now for something completely different," said John Cleese, sitting in his desk in the middle of an isle in Pointy Pencils R' Us, until someone pushed another big, red button.

---ooo---

**MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN DOMINO PARK**

Ah, Domino Park! A peaceful, calm center to an otherwise bustling and tightly packed town; filled with trees, benches, and rusty, highly dangerous swing and other such forms of amusement for kids to enjoy themselves on. And of course, a good place for teleportation spells to end up.

Incidentally, that's exactly where one ended up. A lovely green, spirally one, that hung about thirty feet above a grove of trees, which probably wasn't a good thing for Dartz and his three Doom Bikers, who fell out of it, and consequently, had to pummel through thirty feet worth of scratchy tree branches, hard limbs, and angry, homicidal squirrels, only to reach the pavement bellow quite sharply, as well as painfully.

"Alice…next time…just take the splinters in your bum…" said Valon.

"Shut your fat face you stupid Auzie," said Alister. "And it's _Alister_, not _Alice_."

"I want to beat you both up so much," said Raphael.

"Alright! Is everyone okay?" asked Dartz cheerfully.

"I think I slipped a disk…" said Raphael, rubbing his back.

"I've received a devastating amount of muscle trauma in much of the left side of my body," said Alister.

"I found that to be emotionally scaring," said Valon.

"Good! Get your bags kids, we need to find a hotel!" said Dartz cheerfully, picking up his, which was covered in 'The OC' stickers. The others slowly gathered their things…

"OH MY GOD! WHERE'S BLANKY?" screamed Alister in horror.

"And my bag broke open!" said Raphael, holding up his suitcase, which was ajar on it's hinges. "My axe is missing!"

"Hey! There up there!" said Valon, pointing up into a tree, revealing a little corner of Alister's blanket, as well as sunbeams shimmering off of Raphael's axe. At the sight of all their personal possessions up in a tree, Alister started sobbing hysterically, and Raphael began to beat up Valon for no reason at all.

"Oh fine, I'll get it!" said Dartz bitterly, grabbing the trunk of the tree, and using it to hold himself up as he slowly and painfully began to shimmy up the tree. Let's face it, it's a very interesting sight when a man with forget-me-not colored hair, a green eye and a yellow one with mascara, and a down-to-the-floor skirt tries to climb up a tree, while a red-hed, feminine man sobs like a baby, and a pygmy Australian gets the cartilage knocked out of him by an overly-ripped lunatic.

"Almost…umph…to the…ow…top…" said Dartz, struggling to hoist himself up to a branch just under where the blanket and the axe were, nearly getting the snot beat out of him by a squirrel toting a shoulder acorn cannon. "Yes…I made it…Now, I just…have to…"

Dartz had grabbed the branch that had the axe and Blanky stuck in it, but just as he got both hands on the limb, the one that supported him completely snapped, crashing and hissing through the foliage, and crashing to the ground, just missing Valon and Raffy.

"Oh bloody…" said Dartz awkwardly, dangling from the limb.

"Hey Dartz! I can see up your skirt!" said Valon.

"GET HELP YOU DERANGED FOOLS!" screamed Dartz angrily. The Doom Biker quickly scampered off, detecting the definite 'no TV for a week if you fail' tone in Dartz's voice.

---ooo---

Meanwhile, in an extremely fancy mansion filled with maids in fancy French Maid dresses, harp players, and it's very own lunatic, our tale turns once again, to the life of our favorite German, Fancy-Pancy, pink-haired Nutter Butter, Zigfried What-a-stupid-last-name-it's-barely-worth-typing-thank-god-it's-not-coming-up-again.

"Mr. What-a-stupid -name-" said one of the servants.

Oh, darn it.

"-after fifteen years, we've finally finished laminating all your money, gluing fake leaves to all the trees so they'll look pretty all year long, and we're just starting the installations to all the bath tubs that allows them to fill up with water of any temperature, that you can set with a thermometer, as well as gravy, ice cream, any beverage of your choice, and any amount of currency from thirty different countries, thirty one if we can get France to Cooperate…" finished the servant.

"Excellent Servant Number One," said Zigfried, sipping the finest tea in the universe (imported). "Oh dear…I fear zat I'm bored…"

"Do you want to play 'Beat the Servant Senseless With a Croquet Mallet?" asked Servant Number One, holding out a stripped croquet mallet. "Servant Number Five just said that he hasn't hat the tobacco juice beat out of him in the longest time-"

"Nien, nien, zat won't be necessary," said Zigfried, with a sigh. "What haven't I done in awhile..."

"Given to the poor?" asked Servant Number One.

"THAT'S IT!" said Zigfried. "I'll call Dartzy! I haven't talked to him in the longest time!"

Before he could even move, three maids sprinted toward him, one holding out a lavender telephone, which they knew would match perfectly with his ensamble, one quickly dialing Dartz's phone number, and the other holding out the actual speaker in Zigfried's direction. He calmly took the phone from her, listening to the dial tone until-

"Hello! You have reached The Evil Lair/Tomb of the Great Leviathin!" said Dartz's voice. "We are currently on business in Domino City, so please leave a message after the beep, and we'll get back to you as soon as we can!"

"Mail box full," said an automatic voice after that.

"Oh, isn't zat darling?" asked Zigfried. "Dartzy's gone off on a business trip! Servant Number One, Servant Number Three, Servant Number Six!"

"Yes Zigfried Sir!" said the servants, Servant Number Three and Servant Number Six rushing in, flashing him a salute.

"Please start a jet, and zet ze cours for Domino City!" said Zigfried happily, as the lunatic ran across the front lawn of the estate without any clothes on. "Ah, zat Dartz. He's probably doing zomething very himportant right now!"

---ooo---

"THAT'S THE TALLEST LADDER YOU COULD FIND?" screamed Dartz angrily, still hanging from the tree branch.

"Oh come on! This was very short notice and…and…I'M STILL REHIBILITATING!" sobbed Alister, holding an aluminum stepladder that was pink and covered in little yellow flowers.

"My God, Valon better get here with help so soon it's not funny!" said Dartz.

"Um, actually, Valon got hit by a truck," said Alister.

"WELL GO FIND RAFFY AND TELL HIM TO GET HELP!" said Dartz.

"I can't, he was driving the truck," said Alister.

"THEN YOU GET HELP!" yelled Dartz.

"I'm…not strong enough…" said Alister, sinking to the ground in tears.

"WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO MUCH?" Dartz screamed in anger, shaking violently while holding on for dear life to his tree branch.

"Excuse me little girl," said a fireman, walking up to Alister. "I got a call about an old lady stuck in a tree. Have you seen her?"

Alister, his face still buried in his hand, wordlessly pointed up to Dartz.

"NOT A LADY!" yelled Dartz, as the fireman propped a ladder against the tree, and slowly began to climb it up to help Dartz, who still looked incredibly foolish.

"Poor little lady, she's so scared, she's delusional," said the fireman, slinging Dartz across his back. "Don't worry ma'am, we'll have you down in a jif…hey, what does this huge red button sticking out the tree do?"

BOOM!

Alister watched in horror as a barbequed mailman fell to the ground, as Dartz landed on top of him, all in front of the smoldering crater that used to be the tree.

"Well…that's that I guess…" said Dartz, struggling to his feet, holding Alister's Blanky, which while a little singed, was still intact, as well as Raffy's axe.

"BLANKY!" said Alister, hugging it.

"Let's go find Valon and bail Raphael out of jail," said Dartz, walking away from the crater.

---ooo---

**MEANWHILE, IN A PLANE SOMEWHERE ON COURSE TO DOMINO CITY AIRPORT**

Our A-kicking duo, Bianca and Tish, were sitting together on the plane about an hour away from the city, as Tish was wondering if she would ever write that bestselling novel before thirty, eventually deciding no, and Bianca was trying to have an original thought period, failing miserably in the process, and chewing on about seventeen pieces of gum at once. So, she began randomly bombarding Tish with questions.

"TISH, CAN I BORROW YOU I-POD?" asked Bianca.

"Trying to sleep Bianca…" said Tish.

"Why do you sleep, like, sixteen hours a day anyway?" asked Bianca.

"Why do you rant incoherently 24/7?" asked Tish.

"CAUSE IT'S FUN!" said Bianca.

"Exactly," said Tish.

"Tish…if I ever die on a mission…will you take good care of all the people I leave behind?" asked Bianca.

"Bianca, we have until recently been assigned the task of bringing the assistant general fruit and foot scrubs," said Tish. "The day you die on a mission is the day I paint myself purple and dance naked on a public street."

"Thanks Tish…you made me feel so much better…" said Bianca.

"Now will you please let me go to sleep?" said Tish.

"THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT ROAD TRIP WE TOOK TO FRANCE THAT ONE TIME!" Bianca cried happily, bouncing in her chair.

"I _never _want to repeat that incident again…" said Tish.

"Oh come on! Those charges were eventually dropped!" said Bianca.

"Yeah, and spin control was working overtime to cover up for all the public restrooms that you blew up," said Tish. "You know what you are? A devastating combination of random, brainless, and prone to using dangerous weapons."

"WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?" asked Bianca, pushing a huge red button next to her.

BOOM!

The entire row of vacant seats behind them was blown up, as well as food trolley wheeled by a stewardess, who was sufficiently barbequed from the ordeal.

"Why do they even have these things on planes anymore?" asked Tish.

"LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!" screamed Bianca, about to push the button.

"BIANCA! NO!" screamed Tish, grabbing her before she could push it again.

---ooo---

"Alright, I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement on all this," said the manager to Marik, Odion, and the sale helper.

"THEY'RE HEARTLESS, PENCIL HATING, HEATHEN FOOLS!" screamed the sale helper.

"You must forgive Jerry, he's a bit-" said the manager.

"Fanatical?" asked Odion.

"I was going to say a conforking nut, but I like that one better. I really like it actually…fan…na…tih…cal…" he said, copying the word down for future usage in a random conversation. "Okay, back to the point."

"We just want a pack of pencils for crying!" said Odion.

"And a foam rubber pencil hat!" said Marik.

"Quiet…" Odion said, a dangerous tone in his voice.

"Well, the customer is always right!" said the manager, holding out a pack of #2 Pencils to Odion and Marik. "Are you sure you don't want any pencil sharpeners or pencil cases or pencil-"

"No thank you," said Odion, taking the pencils and dragging Marik away.

"FOOLS! FOOLS!" screamed the sale helper. "YOU ALL SHALL SUFFER ONE DAY! SUFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

"Oh, shut your face you deranged, obsessive loon-bucket!" said the manager in a very diplomatic tone.

---ooo---

Are Bianca and Tish way too similar to Seto and Joey? I don't know, but it's been bugging me, because I really wanted them to stand out as individual characters in this story. Just wondering. The only person it's been bothering is me.

Oh, and have I mentioned I don't own John Cleese, Monty Python, or The OC?

Okay, next time, you get to meet the gang, a new robotic friend, three, psychotic old friends, and (oh no!) Seto Kaiba falls in love…but is that a good idea? Stay tuned!


	4. Newbs

I'm an authoress and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day…

This is truly the beginning of all insanity ladies and gents...this is when we start seeing the return of some of my old characters…and then…CHAOS WILL BEGIN! Oh boy, it's insanity time, right after the reviews! (sniff) Boy, it's weeks like this that I wish I could use the mystical backspace button to zerp weeks like this out. THANK YOU TO ALL THE LOVELY REVIEWERS WHO MADE IT BETTER!

Pointe Master

I'm glad you did!

I'm also really glad that you still like Bianca and Tish. HOORAY! Thank you as always, and please enjoy the randomness!

Bilbo-sama

I PASSED! (kisses D- paper)

The Canadians are so darn lucky…DARN THEM! Maybe the reason Chumly's so ticked off is because he got landed with the most unholily stupid dub name known to man. It's okay! October is around the corner! Somehow all the GX anticipators of the world will survive!

I wonder how many episodes GX is going to have? Hmm…(scribbles original episode DVDs on Christmas list). OH WELL!

Thanks as always for the review Bilbo-sama! Enjoy!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

WOOT! I'm glad to see Joey somewhere acting idiotic. And Blanky, who in the world can forget Blanky?

Boy, whatever horrible things I do to Marik somehow you match. SO VER INSPIRING! Anyway, THANK YOU AS ALWAYS! Enjoy the crazy randomness!

Hee hee…OUR FAVORITE DUMB BLONDE AND DILUSIONAL CEO SHOW UP NEXT!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Mika, Valon, and Yami

Oh smeg, stupid authoress was being stupid again. Sorry (bangs self on the head).

I only watched a couple episodes of Red Dwarf, but your right, it is smegging funny. I enjoy all the weirdness! The Brits have such a great sense of humor. I look up to them!

Can Valon really see up Dartz's skirt? What smeging things will happen next? WHERE ARE ALL THE COOKIES? Find out in the next chapter! THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!

Amarie Miriel

I wonder how Odion does it. I really do feel for him, because I have a little brother of my own. My heart goes out to all the characters who are older siblings.

You know, in a twisted kind of way, I see a few similarities in Shou and Ryo. Huh…weird.

Cool eye for catching that by the way. I didn't see it, but looking back, I wonder 'what was I thinking?' But I do that a lot sometimes with what I write.

I think Marik would look really swank if he got his pencil hat. He could go to school with it, thinking that he's hot, and try to pick up girls. Oh smeg, that would have been perfect! Why didn't I think of it sooner?

How Joey and Seto are going to react to Tish and Bianca coming on the scene may be pretty funny if all goes well. Hee hee…OH THE TERROR! SETO'S DOOMED TO FALL IN LOVE! But who will the unlucky lady (I hope) BE? Thank you as always for the review! WOOT! Enjoy!

Gothangelmyu

I wish I had that button, just so I could scare people…well, more than I do currently of course…

You know, that's probably the big key difference in the two. I mean, I really can't see Seto walking by Joey without trying to trip him, and for Joey, I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I enjoy the idea of Dartz stuck in a tree…I also really like the idea of Raffy running over Valon.

Thank you for the nice review again! May this chapter tickle your funny bone (which turns out to be a nerve).

Lefthandedfreak

I was wondering where you were off to last chapter! I'm glad your back though!

I think we all have those moments. I certainly do…often…twice daily. Tish and Bianca do get along much better, don't they? Seto and Joey liking each other? That would be like…

**Little Boy: **Mommy? Why are da pigs spwouting wings and fwying?

**Mom:** Nothing Jimmy. Just wear this hat…

Or something like that.

Thank you for stopping by Lefthand! Come back again soon!

LoneFlyinTigers

No, it's my fault that I'm paranoid. Sorry I made your head hurt with all my rants.

Yeah, I think quite a couple characters on the show are kindergarten dropouts, and that all comes into play in this chapter, when more insanity insures. Seto falling in love, it sounds like the scariest thing alive, so why does it seem like everyone makes him?

Anyway, thank you for the review! I hope you like this chapter!

Fuzzy Bunny

Marik and Odion on a motorcycle, getting hurt in nasty places…O.o wow, it _is _a scary mental image.

Anyway, thank you for the lovely review! Enjoy!

Catapult Turtle

OH THE HORROR OF FORESHADOWING! I assure you, it's nothing that isn't random and crazy.

I'm glad that someone liked that line as much as I did. It's kind of weird, because I spell Ryo, well Ryo, but I spell Shou with a u instead of just Sho. I don't know why. I don't know why…probably because I just felt like it.

The PMA…PH34R them with great PH34R. They are twisted and evil…I think.

"He's already in love with himself" XD true, but still.

Thank you for showing up again CT! Enjoy the weirdness-filled chapter!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

I find myself nailed by homework a lot lately too.

A search party? Hm…maybe I'll join up X) kidding.

Anyway, probably all of my pencils are pretty abused too, considering they're all stuffed in a little compartment in my book bag, and they are constantly beaten up when I try to shove them into my locker. I'd probably get nailed by that salesperson guy too…

This year, I'm going to be a Goth! I have the black ankle boots, the fish nets (that are this short of cutting the circulation off in my legs), the black knee-length dress, and all the bracelet things. Now the only thing I'm stuck on is the hairdo…

Anyway, thanks for reviewing Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler! It's always a pleasure! And now…THE INSANITY BEGINS!

Chapter Four

**NEWBS**

_In which Bianca beats Joey to bacon mist with a desk_

"HERE IT IS ODION!" Marik said proudly in front of the Domino High School, dressed up in his blue uniform (and looking rather sharp in it), carrying a 'Megatokyo' lunch box (with matching Boo and Belphegor salt and pepper set), and with his Millennium Rod tucked safely in his backpack for future use. "This is where the seeds shall be sown to our victory!"

"You really don't have a mind of your own, do you?" asked Odion.

"Maaaaaaaaaaybe," said Marik. "But it matters not! Today, which is exactly one day after this time yesterday, we shall begin the first step in conquering the free world!"

"And how are we going to sneak me in?" asked Odion, who didn't look like a High Schooler one little bit.

"Uh…" said Marik. "Maybe…we can disguise you as…uh…uuuuuuuh…uh…"

Odion just sat back and thought about how awesome it would have been if Marik turned out to be a girl and he could have been head of the Ishtar family. In fact, for about nine seconds after he was born, everyone was convinced was a girl…but that was a story Odion didn't want to recall...

"We can…disguise you…as…" Marik said…

---ooo---

"A Knowledge Inspector?" asked the school secretary.

"YUP!" said Marik cheerfully, while Odion couldn't believe that his life had come to this. "They're kind of like Health Inspectors, but they go from school to school to make sure everyone's learned enough!"

"That being said Mr. Ishtar," said the secretary, thumbing through his transcripts. "According to the records, you haven't completed your Kindergarten Education, so it would be quite a leap to send you straight to high school…"

"Mrs. Ryoka," said Odion. "I know Marik seems like a minless, babbling psycho with no mind of his own and a humongous issue with control and prone to temper tantrums and unbelievably thick and gitty, but setting that aside…"

Silence.

"Look, we'll give you this bar of gold if you let him in," said Odion, handing out a gold brick.

"Sorry sir, the minimum bribe level is two bars of gold, four bars of silver, or a large oxen," said the secretary, typing a few random things into the school's computer with one hand, and pointing to a sign listing to various forms of currency for the minimum school bribe.

"You secretaries are screaming con artists," said Odion, trying to fish out another bar of gold from his monumentally overstuffed wallet.

---ooo---

"What do you mean you can't send down one of HQ's jets!" asked Asuka in horror, talking into her cell phone on the beach, after a very long, wrestles night, filled to the brim with fruitless attempts at hitch hiking (Shou hitch hiking…it's a scary thing). "Look, we need to get to Domino City fast. Time is running out, we're rapidly running short on supplies, and we've just got a conformation from STUPID that all the components for resurrecting the ultimate evil are at hand…WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY IN OUR BUDGET? I haven't touched a cent…what…no, what…no…no way…"

She put an angry hand on the speaker part of the phone.

"SHOU!" she screamed in rage. "HOW MUCH DID YOU SPEND ON THOSE STUPID NEOPET CARDS?"

"Uh…" said Shou, who was trying to build a helicopter out of driftwood, sea weed, and masking tape.

"Alright, what can we afford then…" asked Asuka into the phone. "Wait, we can Team DT, and we can't afford a stupid aircraft? What…WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DIED SEVEN YEARS AGO AND NOBODY NOTICED UNTIL YESTERDAY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAD TO HIRE AT THE LAST MINUTE?"

"Asuka, we lack resources and tactical equipment to finish off the Glider of Doom," said Shou, looking up from the framework. "And I just ran out of masking tape…"

"The Evil is going to resurrect, and you can even spare some decent agents?" yelled Asuka. "My God, do you have any idea of how upset I am? What the he-"

"Um, excuse me…" said a small hand, tugging on the back of Asuka's skirt. "Are you…Asi…Asem…I can't read this handwriting…"

"Here, let me try…"

Asuka turned around in shock, and soon afterward, had the strongest urge to stab her eyes repeatedly with pencils. Standing in front of her were a mix-matched bung of pre-teens. One was a Chibi form of Ryo Bakura, wearing a pear of strap on wings, and a white dress shirt with black pants and little sneakers. The paper that he was trying to read was taken over by a Seto Kaiba Chibi, with little strap on wings as well, but wearing the infamous blue sweater vest, and last, an insane little girl with long-ish brown hair in pigtails, glasses, and pretty long pinkish-purple coat over shorts and t-shirt.

"Oh, here we go," said the Seto Chibi. "Asuka Tenjouin and Shou Marufuji, K-Division, lesser known as Hamster Lass and her sidekick Squeekums, correct?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeees…." Asuka said in an uneasy tone, not knowing how information about her 'hamster days' got out.

"SWEET!" screamed the girl. "I'm glad it wasn't the last time when we mistook tow milkmen for the President and Vice President of the states. WE'RE TEAM DT! I'M MOBSTER!"

"My name's Agent Sweater Vest, preferably ASV," said the Seto Chibi.

"And you can call me…Double S…" said the Ryo Chibi timidly.

"AND TOGETHER WE'RE-" started Mobster, and fanfare started somewhere in the backround.

"THE DREAM TWEENS!" said all of them in unison, striking some way cool battle pose.

And then came the infamous awkward silence, Asuka staring at them, phone hanging limply from her hand at her side, staring at the three loonies. After about five seconds, she slowly lifted it to her ear.

"Please send the following e-mail to HQ," she said into the phone. "To Mr. Xavior and Mr. Deztero, Head Quarters Suppervisor, Dear Sirs, What in the name of advanced civilization are you on, and why aren't you sharing? I know where you live, so expect a visit from me soon and, please put this in bold print, I'm bringing Shou with me. Die, die, die die die die die, and, in extra bold print please, DIE! Signed Asuka Tenjouin, K-Division. Oh, P.S. What's with the bloody strap on wings?"

"No one likes the wings!" said Double S, with tears welling up in his eyes that started dripping down his cheeks.

"YOU MADE HIM CRY!" yelled Mobster in rage, leaping up and grabbing the collar of Asuka's black turtleneck, dragging her down to eye level (she's surprisingly strong for her age). "I SHALL SHOW YOU NO MERCY!"

"MOBSTER! NO! PR'S NOT COVERING THIS MISSION!" cried ASV, grabbing her in attempt to stop her from snapping Asuka's neck like a pencil.

"DANGIT!" yelled Mobster, dropping Asuka.

"Hey Asuka, do you have that masking tape or not?" asked Shou, walking up to her with the empty role of tape. "Whoa, what's with the elementary schoolers?"

"You're not an elementary schooler?" asked Double S innocently.

"SHOU! NO!" said Asuka, grabbing Shou's arm to stop it from whipping out a bazooka gun to blow Double S's head off.

"We're not Elementary Schoolers!" said ASV. "We're consciences in training! But for field missile training, we usually sign up with some kind of rebellious secret agency of some sort!"

"That explains the wings…" said Shou.

"Do people's consciences usually have missile training?" asked Asuka.

"Mine does!" said Shou.

"And what about her?" asked Asuka, pointing to Mobster.

"Well, she's a mindless, trigger-happy, easily manipulated, anglophilic pre-teen-" said ASV.

"-so she's ideal for any kind of mission like this!" said Double S.

"Oh great," said Asuka. "Well, a crash course in your mission briefing, in a small town called Domino High School, there lies the essential components for resurrecting an evil of chaotic and devastating powers. Calculations have plotted that this evil will resurrect within minutes of school being in session. This mission is dangerous, with mental and emotional trauma, insanity, and nasty boo-boos are imminent. Are you willing to continue with us?"

"You bet!" said Mobster.

"This is bad," said ASV. "At the moment, we're tracking a branch of Serial Dubbers heading for Domino City. What's worse is that they were hired by a much powerful organization, with the potential to take over the free world!"

"You're kidding!" said Asuka. "The Resurrection of Ultimate Evil AND Serial Dubbers?"

"We need to get there right now!" cried Shou in horror, and the second he did, his little stick-figure machine collapsed in a heap.

"Don't worry!" said Double S cheerfully, pulling out a small, hand-held canister. "We have a portable fan fiction writer!"

"A what?" asked Shou.

That's when Double S snapped the top of the canister and threw it away from the five. It bounced a bit on the beach, then exploded, revealing a sixteen year old girl wearing a Yu-Gi-Oh T-Shirt, glasses, and baggy jeans.

"Alright, what is it?" she said, getting up and brushing herself up.

"Portable Fan Fiction Writer!" Double S said. "We need you to somehow figure out a way to write us into Domino City really, really fast!"

"Okay, whatever," said the portable fan fiction writer, clearing her throat. "And so, our heroes we suddenly sucked into a natural phenomena, a wormhole that suddenly generated under them, teleporting them to Domino City."

And so it did.

---ooo---

And now, we turn out sights to the very pinnacles of modern society among the learning world…Domino High School! A beautiful campus full of a total of 987 students, 504 girls, 483 boys, and 43 staff members, as well as nice clean black boards, and not-obsolete computers, and did we mention the chairs? Oh yes, there were fabulous chairs, really smashing, except for one of them in History class though, which is actually quite squeaky, and can be really annoying if some fool comes and suddenly sits in it, then does nothing but rock around and squeak all period, causing what is nothing less than a small riot.

However, this particular story does not begin in the History Class, but it will come up eventually, like, next chapter or so. The real story begins in a simple homeroom, which was a very nice homeroom with shiny desks and one of the only ones with air conditioning, and no squeaky chairs at all, though there was one a while ago, but it got replaced when the teacher had a conniption and nearly destroyed the entire room.

But in the end, well actually the beginning, considering this is the beginning really-

---ooo---

"I mean, why would we end the story right at the beginning of it? That makes completely no sense!" said some person narrating in a sound studio. "I mean really, well, okay, I'm sure if there was some great literary significance-"

"Frank, that's enough, I handle this," said some other guy, walking into the studio. Frank, the previous narrator, sighed, took off his headphones, and got out of the swivel chair right in front of the huge microphone.

"Thanks Frank," said the other guy, sitting down. "Sorry, Franks a bit new, so I'll be narrating the rest of the story. Okay, we were just about to change our s-"

He suddenly stoped.

"Wait…" said the guy. "If Frank's not narrating, then who's narrating this bit n-"

---ooo---

Hello, I am the actual narrator. Back to the story.

"No Joey, I don't think that President Bush is being teleprompted by howler monkeys, and neither was Ken Jennings!" said Yugi to Joey, as he, Joey, Tea, and Tristan all sat around in their little cluster.

"But it makes perfect sense!" said Joey.

"Joey, remember last year when you thought it made sense that teachers were actually robot overloads, and you snuck into the teachers lounge and stuck gum in all the outlets?" asked Tea.

"Yeah…it was fun…" said Joey. "But I still think Mr. Ishimaki has a radio antenna under his toupee…"

"That's a toupee?" said Tristan.

"Come on! Partially blind people can see that!" said Yugi.

"That explains why the top of his head is blonde and the rest isn't…" said Tristan.

Yugi was ignoring as Tea began slamming Tristan for being so empty-minded. It's Friday night, and tonight, he's going to give Tea her surprise birthday present, which was taking her out to dinner. He even got those stilts that you tie to your feet to make you look six foot two…boy, he was going to look sexy in that tux…

However, the entire room was suddenly consumed in an icy grip of horror. For Seto Kaiba, everyone's favorite CEO, had just walked in, and clinging to the back of his uniform…

…was a _girl_.

A tall, graceful looking, long and orange haired with a red ribbon holding it back, fully uniformed girl, green eyed _girl_.

"OH MY SCREAMING GOD!" yelled Tristan at the top of his lungs.

"Let her go Kaiba! She doesn't want anything to do with you!" screamed Yugi.

"Cell phone, where did I put my cell phone? SOMEONE CALL AMNISTY INTERNATIONAL!" screamed Tea, desperately clawing through her school bag.

"DON'T BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS! HE'S JUST USING YOU!" screamed Joey at the dazed looking girl.

"Oh h-look what you idiots did," said Seto, turning to the girl. "You induced too much stimuli, and she's in stand by mode again…"

"Wha…" said the others pathetically as Seto dialed a few numbers on the dial pad that appeared on the back of her neck, and she was suddenly bolt upright and alert.

"GAH! What, what happened?" the girl cried in shock, as if she just suddenly hastily woken up.

"Nothing. You got put into standby mode again to a information surge…" said Seto.

"Nii-san, that's the sixth time today…" said the girl sadly.

"Uh…what?" asked Yugi, as the others stared at the two dumbly.

"This is Azusa-Chan, AKA the KC-IPP-840239-IOLLPC," said Seto. "She's an experiment in artificial intelligence, but since she can't take too much external information in a short period of time, so when she has too much external stimuli, she automatically goes into standby mode…and that means I have to keep resetting her…"

"I bet," said Tea.

"And the honoraries?" asked Yugi.

"We have an Anime Freak in R&D," said Seto.

"Nice room," said Azusa, looking all over the homeroom.

"Can we use her to go online?" asked Joey.

"No, my robot, not yours," said Seto.

"Are you Nii-san's friends?" asked Azusa excitedly to the four.

"_No_," said Seto in a dangerous tone.

"Depends…" said Joey, seeing a whole new line of blackmailing options suddenly opening up.

"I don't have any friends in school yet! Will you be my friend?" asked Asuza.

"SURE!" said Yugi.

"Whee!" said Asuza happily.

"Yes," said the others, seeing all the horrible things they could do to make Seto's life miserable now.

"I don't know how I'll get back on you four, but my God, if there's ever going to be a grand re-opening of Death-T, you four are going to get the first-" Seto threatened darkly.

"My Ra, this looks like the most pathetic homeroom in the history of the planet!" said Marik, walking in with Odion behind him, who was wearing a hastily written and drawn 'Nolij Ispektor' badge, which in truth was crayon drawn on a little piece of cardboard cut out in a circle and pined to his purple robes. "What is this? The Stone Age?"

"SWEET! A hot Egyptian person!" said Tristan.

"Hello hot Egyptian Person who we aren't going to question why you have a Millennium Item sticking out of your backpack and with long hair and lots of bucks considering the gold bedanglies, giving you all the tell-tale signs of being supremely evil!" said Yugi.

"Hello future slaves to my supreme world order!" said Marik, sticking the rod a little further down his backpack. "We're transfer students! From…from…"

He looked at the world map conveniently placed behind our heroes.

"ZIMBABWE!" said Marik.

"Really? You look Egyptian…" said Tea.

"EGYPT! Yeah, that' s it…" said Marik, the Kindergarten drop outness starting to show.

"Sometimes I like to pretend I'm from Holland…" said Joey.

"Way too much information Joey…" said Tea.

"Hey, can I see your weird puzzle thing hanging from your neck, while whether or not I give it back still being under debate?" asked Marik.

"Sure!" said Yugi, handing it over.

Marik laughed a loud and long, triumphant laugh. HE HAD THE PUZZLE AT LAST!

---ooo---

"_Another _Kindergarten Dropout?" asked the secretary, looking at Valon's transcripts.

"You don't understand," said Dartz. "Where he comes from, it's considered of a low moral standing to finish school…"

"Like I haven't heard that one before," said the secretary. "Just a few minutes ago, I had a red head come here with the same excuse…"

"Look, we really need to get in!" said Dartz. "It's important! How can we destroy the world if we don't harvest your youth's souls?"

"Look, we hire teachers for that job, and they usually get it done by Middle School," said the secretary. "And we don't like transvestites either!"

"That better have not been directed at me…" said Alister.

"Oh come on!" said Dartz. "They may look pathetic, but their good boys with a humongous amount of potential! Really! Honestly!"

The exact moment he finished the sentence, Valon was picking his nose, Raphael was baby-talking to his Guardian Cards and giving them kisses, and Alister was stabbing pins into his Seto Kaiba Voodoo Doll.

The secretary just whistled a happy tune and gazed at the ceiling, while tapping her pencil against a sign that stated the minimum bribe level.

"You secretaries think you're so hot, don't you?" said Dartz, just remembering he bartered his last oxen for the bus ride here, desperately searching his pockets for the deed to an obscure country, preferably European.

"Girly Man…I can finally go back to school…" said Valon, with huge eyes.

"When did you stop going to school anyway?" asked Alister.

"Well, when I was five, for some reason, I was officially labeled a biohazard, so they had to dismiss me!" said Valon.

"I can think of a few good reasons why…" said Alister, knowing that Valon only bathed biannually.

---ooo---

"YES! I HAVE IT! I HAVE THE MILLENIUM PUZZLE!" yelled Marik triumphantly, laughing like a maniac on top of s a school desk, while horrific fanfare played in the background.

"I'm glad to see someone so cheerful!" said Yugi.

"Uh, Yug, am I the only one who's a little creeped out?" asked Joey.

"NOW MY PAWNS OF ULTIMATE EVIL!" yelled Marik. "I know have the Puzzle! I may use it for every sick and dim witted whimsy I please! AND I SHALL START BY BLOWING UP SOMETHING!"

Marik aimed the Millenium Puzzle at Joey, and shook it a couple times. And after a couple times…

…nothing happened.

"What the…" Marik said, shaking it even more violently, slapping it against his hang, and then banging it on the desk. Marik had come against the first obstacle of the Millennium Puzzle as an instrument of mass destruction…the fact that he didn't know how to use it.

"Blow…something…up…you…piece…of…" Marik said, still banging it on the table.

"HEY TISH! IT'S THE PIG DOG!" screamed Bianca. She and Tish had just walked into the room, both wearing school uniforms for girls, though it still did not hide the obvious fact that they were both in their early twenties.

"So it is…" said Tish. "Well, this makes our job so much easier. Marik, we need to t-"

"WOOT! YOU'RE HOT!" screamed Joey at the top of his lungs to Bianca. That, in all essence, was the 100 worst thing to do.

"WHADAYA MEAN FREAKO?" screamed Bianca, using her ultra cool super strength to pull up the desk that Yugi was sitting behind, causing him to scream and fall backwards out of his chair, swing it over her head one handed, and before Joey even had a chance to scream and run away in terror, she began viciously beating him with it…repeatedly.

And as if this story didn't take enough plot twists, Seto was utterly shocked as the red head, with one move, managed to injure, seriously injure in one case, the two living people he hated the most. And it was done so gracefully, so precisely, so…beautifully…

Yes…

…he felt it…

…LOVE!

Tish knew there was no possible way that she could somehow bring Bianca out of her mad frenzy, what with her minimal brain capacity and lack of the basic ability to use rational thought. That's when she pulled off a super cool karate move, leaping in the air with a spin and slamming Bianca in the back of the head, causing her to drop the desk right on Joey and land on top of it, completely knocked out.

Everyone stared in silence.

"Oh…fabulous," said Tish, deciding it would be a good idea if she missed the pledge, dragging Bianca by her ankles out of the room as fast and as inconspicuously as she could in the ensuring frenzy of mixed emotions that followed, which at this point was pretty much a complete blow. "This is going to look great on the performance review…"

"Who the heck is that woman?" Joey managed to croak as Tea shoved the desk off him.

"That muse…that angel…" murmered Seto.

"Nii-san, why are you drooling?" asked Asuza.

"Bye creepy Egyptian Kid!" said Yugi, snatching the Millennium Puzzle out of Marik's dumfounded hands and running off, leaving Marik to wallow in his own shock, as well as anger.

---ooo---

AND SO IT BEGINS!

I know Azusa and Asuka sound a lot alike, well, they're only one two letters off. I just like the name Azusa. I was going to name her Nanami after after the 'forced feedback' Dating Sim characeter who shot Largo in _Megatokyo_(I DON'T THAT WEBCOMIC BY THE WAY! WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE IT ROX!), but I named someone else that awhile back...and Azusa stuck.

Next time, Bianca and Tish try to search out Marik, which turns out to be the same thing that Asuka, Shou, and the Dream Tweens are doing, we a learn little about Leonardo DaVinchi, and…Dartz's long lost brother? And will the others be able to stop the resurrection of ultimate evil in time? WHO KNOWS?

Thank you so much to all my wonderful readers and reviews. See you next Friday!


	5. Salmon

Thank you so much to all my wonderful readers and reviews. See you next Friday!

I'm just a little confused…

Ah, irony is cruel, isn't it? I tend to be a bit unsociable, so when massive bouts of colds come, I'm usually all in the clear. But guess what? My little brother came home coughing and sneezing, and guess who he gave it to? The thing I hate most about colds is that no matter how hard you try, you can't have a decent night's sleep, because your body temperature just keeps regulating, and your brain works full speed all night. Thank god this is only a cold with sniffles, stuffiness, and aching joints. Once I had one so bad last year, I was bed ridden for four days straight, I hallucinated my blankets were trying to strangle me (not kidding), and I lost like ten pounds due to the fact I couldn't eat for most of the four days…well, maybe five pounds…

Oh, and for your viewing horror, but we have a super short bonus chapter! (people scream and run) So stay tuned after, okay?

Okay people! IT'S TIME FOR DA REVIEWS!

Bilbo-sama

YAY:D Only three more days!

Gear…it's creepy you know…but I kind of like it…

Azusa…what a scary character. I think I can see a little Mary Sue in her, myself, but usually all of my female characters are…OCS OF SCARY DOOM! And you're going to see just a hint of that in the next chapter.

Try not to destroy the computer downloading more GX stuff! And thank you as always for reviewing!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

YAY RANDOMNESS!

Megatokyo is kind of a gaming comic, so you have to be a nerd who plays Neverwinter Nights every waking moment of her sorry life to get half of the jokes. But still, that doesn't change the fact that I need a hamster conscience ( I WUV YOU BOO!).

I knew you'd be happy ASV and Mobster are back. MUA HA HA HA! INSANITY BREWS! I'm glad someone out there's protecting Alister…

Thank you for the long and funny review! A TRUE MOG ORIGINAL! I'm so honored…ENJOY!

Gothangelmyu

Lord have mercy indeed. I just can't imagine the horrors Tish is going to have to deal with for the rest of this story.

I have a feeling that great stories just don't sell unless you somehow work adorable kids into it. Just look at Shirley Temple. And I find it pretty easy to imagine Marik doing something like that if he ever got his hands on the puzzle.

Thank you again Gothangelmyu! I hope you like this chappie!

Amarie Miriel

I don't think anyone can hate the Dream Tweens…

And I'm glad someone finally noticed the narrator section. That was one of my favorite parts to write!

Azusa does sound a little like Serenity, and I guess I'm not the biggest fan of romance in general (sometimes, but not always), so I can see where the confusion lies. Figured Seto would finally get around to inventing a robot chick.

I guess it always stuck in my mind that I wanted Seto to fall in love with Bianca, because I'm sure he and Tish would be kind of what everyone was inspecting, and if he fell in love with an idiot, there would be more room for insanity in the plot line! MUA HA! Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH! May this chapter be as random to your taste…

LeDiva

Odd as it seems, I'm surprisingly okay with Valon getting hit by a truck…

I'm glad I'm having a new reviewer! And I'm also glad you took the time to review all of the chapters individually! I'm glad you like all of the insanity floating around…

Thank you for the fun reviews, and I hope you continue to read and enjoy this story!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

I WUV THE CHIBIS! I want to see Jigglypuff beat up something! Jigglypuff rox! Uh…sorry, you can see I've been a Pokemon fan for many years…

I guess the idea that Shou would spend so much money on one any kind of cards would be a pretty pathetic idea. I should have made it Beanie Babies, then it really would have been funny.

Boy, I wish I had a long lost brother or sister. But then again, having a hard time dealing with the one I know I have…I figure it's best to keep the mystery in life.

I wish I had seen 'Howls Moving Castle', as well as 'Spirited Away'. They're both on my Christmas list, along with the latest volumes of 'Othello', 'XxxHolic', 'Yu-Gi-Oh', 'Yu-Gi-Oh Millenium World', Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones, (rants on and on and on about nerd stuff).

Anyway, back to the point, looking like an anime character is never a good thing. The only character which I could possibly look like is Sunako from 'The Wallflower' which is about as good as nothing.

Hee hee, neither is being laughed at by little kids.

Sorry. THANKS YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEW AS ALWAYS MIZZ-SERENITY-WHEELER! I hope you enjoy this helping of insanity.

Lefthandedfreak

BUNNY! (Hugs Mojimi Bunny, and runs before he can transform back).

Wow, sounds like you have a lot on your plate lately…IT MUST BE THE CURSE! (are we still on that?).

Uh, anyway, MUA HA! Funny! I love insanity! Though I'm sorry you got robbed and stuff…(sends box of Chibi Plushies).

P.S. How did that date from way back when go?

Okay! Sorry I don't have much else to say…except…(does creepy Hana-Chan like curse on the random pedestrian outside who's stupid enough to commit arsenal on a public street, causing him to hope around and think he's a chicken). THANK YOU AND ENJOY!

The Japanese Wierdo

HI! I'M GLAD YOUR REVIEWING THIS STORY! YOUR'S ROCKS! (Does 'I'm so excited dance')

I'm glad you're enjoying this story! CHEERS! Enjoy!

Pointe Master

I'm glad you're happy the gang is back in the story! They're so much fun! Thank you again for reviewing, and enjoy this dose of insanity!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, and a bunch of other people

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY ADRESS? You're good…except that you forgot 'and Playing Neverwinter Nights/ drawing' in the address. STILL THOUGH, THAT'S CREEPY HOW YOU KNOW!

HAIR DYING! ALL THE COOL YAMI'S ARE DOING IT!

Joey and Valon are beer-swigging buddies…Oh God, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!

Everyone wants a portable fan fiction writer! They're so convenient! Yeah, it's kind of odd that Clamps an all-female group, isn't it? THEY CAN DO SOME PRETTY MATURE STUFF! I only breezed through it once…and I decided it was best to stop after seeing Chi's…on-switch…though maybe I'll buy it when I'm older.

I LOVE LEONARDO DAVINCHI'S HIP AND UBER COOL MESSAGE! Can I print it in my story? Please?

Bandaides are fun! All kinds of insanity start from them! SO ENJOY THIS CHAPTER PLEASE! So long, and thanks for all the fish!

ShadowFire2

SHADOWFIRE'S BACK, SHADOWFIRE'S BACK, WEEEEEE (falls).

Perhaps you haven't noticed, but I can go a little overboard on the exclaimation points two. And the shift key. God bless you shift key (kisses computer board).

I'm glad everything is to your liking so far, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter! Thank you!

Chapter Five

**SALMON**

_In which we realize that Mobster and Shou really shouldn't be left alone together._

---ooo---

"DANGIT!" said Marik, carrying his books to his first class of the day, which turned out to be Global History. "I had that Millennium Puzzle! I had it! And then, RA DARN IT, I JUST LOSE IT! And I can't even use the conforking thing!"

"Duh, you have to read the inscription thingit on your back, remember?" said Odion.

Silence.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?" asked Marik angrily.

"One, I didn't realize that you were so empty headed, you forgot, and two, I was too amused by your pain," said Odion.

"Alright, now all I have to do is steal back the Millennium Puzzle, and then…WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO SUPREME POWER AT LAST! MUA HA HA HA HA!" said Marik, doing an evil laugh.

"Marik, stop it, you know how much the author hates clichés…" said Odion

---ooo---

"Okay boys!" said Dartz, fussing over and making sure that all of his 'boys' were neat and trim before they went off to school. "I want all of you to do a good job stealing the Millennium Puzzle, and I want you all to have fun on your first day of High School!"

"Okay Master Dartz…" they all muttered drearily.

"HAVE FUN!" said Dartz, as all three of the Doom Bikers went off to find their lockers. Great tears of pride streamed down Dartz's face. He was so proud of them! They were growing up to be just like he wanted them to be! Just look at their bold, confident strides as they knocked down that kid and beat him up for his lunch money. Soon, they'll be growing up to be serial killers and counterfeiters and practicers of grand theft…and then design games about them, and stock exchange salesmen…

"DARTZ! How long has it been!"

Dartz turned around in horror. He could recognize that silly, German accent tingled voice anywhere. He turned around stiffly, drenched in a colds sweat, slowly turning around to face…him…

"Oh God…" said Dartz in horror. It _was_ him… "Z…Zigfried…"

---ooo---

Meanwhile…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Thud, crash, BANG! Ka chunk, chunk, chuhuhuhuhuhnk…

Asuka, Shou, Mobster, ASV, and Double S all crashed into a pile of garbage cans not far from Domino City, thanks to the portable Fan Fiction Authoress, causing many to spill over, as well as garbage can lids to roll all over the place…

"Uh…is everyone alright?" asked Shou.

There were a few mutters of 'uh-huh', 'yeah', and a few other words of agreement, as our heroes stumbled to their feet.

"I always liked the plane better myself," said Mobster, shaking herself off.

"Everyone does…" sighed Asuka. "Well, at least we're not far from-"

"Hands up Anime Characters!" said a raspy voice coming from the opposite end of the alley, as a figure clad in a red cloack, holding a Dub-o-Matic 4000, and aiming at them all. The five took no hesitation to raise their hands up in the air, and tears began to well up in Double S's eyes.

"Dubbers…" ASV said chillingly.

"You're correct sir!" said the figure. "Not one move, and maybe I won't give you a stupid name…"

"You'll never get away with this!" said Asuka. "If we come back dubbed, then I swear I'll-"

"Silence, or I'll turn you into Alexis Rhodes, who loves kitties, skipping around in flowers, and making friendship speeches!" said the dubber.

"You scum…" said Asuka.

"Now, who's going to go first, who's going to go first, who's going to go first…" said the dubber evilly. "Hmm…the blue haired one looks like a girly boy…"

"Shou! No!" said Asuka, as Shou was about to pull out his portable death-ray. "There's nothing we can do…we're as good as dubbed…"

"I think I'll call you…SYRUS!" yelled the dubber, as the Dub-o-Matic 4000 was aimed right at his head, a slowly-growing buzz coming from it, as it was about to fire…

WHACK!

With a look of bemused surprise on his face, the dubber fell foreword, revealing behind him to be the balled and triumphant half-smile of Double S, the Dub-o-Matic firing into a while, just barely missing Shou.

"NO ONE DUBS MY TEAMATES!" screamed Double S, grabbing the nameless dubber's arm, twisting it behind his back, causing him to scream in pain, as his head was stomped face-first into the dirt, completely at the mercy of his cuddly captor.

"_Never _try to dub _anyone _in this geological area again, do you hear me?" said Double S dangerously. "If you even raise your Dub-o-Matic _one inch _again, baaaad things will happen…"

"Mfss! Mfss! MFSS FULRURDY!" screamed the dubber.

"GO FOOL! LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVE!" screamed Double S, unpinning his would-be captor, causing the dubber to frantically scramble to his feet, running away as fast as his legs could carry him to parts unknown, never to be seen again.

Silence.

"Does he always do that?" asked Asuka.

"You have no idea," said ASV. "He's still not living the whole incident at the Christmas Party last year down…"

---ooo---

We now switch our scene to History class, the first period of the day in Domino High School, which was the room with that one squeaky chair…but we don't want to relive that again, so I digress. Anyway, key points of this particular class is that it is covered in maps, is a boring, white kind of color, with really lame posters like 'Breakfast is Cool' and 'Violently Mugging People for Their Lunch Money isn't Cool', and most important of all, the half-dead, but certain statistics all-dead, teach, Mr. J. Rorestor. And this class was doomed to be quite an interesting class.

First is the fact that Ryo Bakura, our favorite not-quite-albino-but-almost British Cutie, was seriously late, Seto was trying to get a hold of his feelings (_A/N_ That was a scary thing to write), and the fact that today was everyone's presentation on Leonardo DaVinchi. Marik smiled evilly to himself, thinking of all the opportunities he had to do something incredibly bad to the students of this class, and finally claim the puzzle as his own!

"Alright class…" the teacher drowned on. "I want you all to present your projects on Leonardo DaVinchi today in a neat and orderly fashion. I will not tolerate slackers, not to mention normal human beings, so expect this to be graded on both quality and presentation. And…begin…"

---ooo---

"My report on Leonardo DaVinchi…" said a random kid. "Leonardo DaVinchi was one of the most masterful inventors, painters, and engineers for his time. He inspired many by his thought provoking images, some of which is rumored to be hiding secret messages from an underground organization. But the _real _interesting part of DaVinchi…was his personal life!"

Everyone leaned excitedly foreword.

"Leonardo was _not _the marring type _at all_," he said in a juicy voice. "Bang, bang, bang, it's one girl after the next for him! He was a roaring, galloping, play-the-field-and-play-it-hard type! And no one was happier to hear the wife was out of town than Leonardo! I swear, when it comes to romancing and leaving, it was Leo all the way! And don't get me started about the fact that he-"

"NEXT!" yelled the teacher, before this presentation got any more…uh, 'in depth'…

---ooo---

"YO YO YO, DUDE IT'S LEONARDO!" said some rapper kid in front of the classroom. "HE PAINTS COOL STUFF, HE DREW STUFF IN BED, HE EVEN DREW STUFF THAT WAS DEAD! OH HO! YO YO, MY BOY LEO, HECK YA!"

"Yo yo, my boy Leo!" said a bunch of background singers the rapper kid hired.

"HE DIG MONA LISA AND VIRGIN ON THE ROX! WHEN IT COMES TO THE RENAISSANCE, HE ROX MY SOX! YO YO, MY BOY LEO, HECK YA!"

"Yo, yo, my boy Leo!"

"HE DESIGNED THE FIRST MACHINE THAT COULD FLY! BUT OLD MONA LISA COULD HAVE BEEN A GUY! YO, YO, MY BOY LEO!"

"That's enough…" said the teacher awkwardly.

---ooo---

"I am a representative of the Leonardo DaVinchi Cult LTD…" said a kid in a black cloak.

"NEXT!" said the teacher.

---ooo---

"Hey! Like, today I'm going to talk about this dude called, like, Leonardo DaVinchi! WHEE!" screamed a overly-peppy-prep kind of girl, with bleached blonde hair, and super-trendy, cost-more-than-a-car-payment clothes. "He was, like this guy who, like, painted stuff! He was born, like, during the Renaissance, like, before they had stuff like TVs, and Video Games, so they had to do boring stuff like paint! Isn't that freaky?"

Everyone was already feeling very wierded out by this girl.

"I started researching him, but then I got, like, totally bored, because he was nothing but a boring old snot!" said the girl. "So instead, I'm just going to sit on this desk and look cute, ranting about how me and my boyfriend are the perfect couple, and why all of you will never look as good or have as good a social life as me!"

"NEXT!" screamed everyone in the room

---ooo---

"Leonardo DaVinchi, painter, inventor, designer, anatomist," said a news reporter person in the front of the room, wearing a suit and tie, clearly not a high school student. "Here in Domino High School, several students are presenting their research on one of the great masters of the Renaissance. But shocking as it seems, it appears that most of the student population doesn't know the health and safety risks behind presenting any information on this man."

"What the…" the teacher started.

"Recent studies suggest that students who come up to the front of the room to present something have more than 2 chance of suddenly dying than people who sleep in the back of the room," said the news reporter person. "What's even more shocking in the recent pole that suggest that fifty percent of the population are girls, contrasted to the _fifty_ percent of the population who are boys. Also, health specialists cl-"

Suddenly, the reporter person went dead silent, and fell right to the ground with a disgusting, sickening thud. He was stone cold dead.

"Next?" the teacher said.

---ooo---

"Greetings to my fellow students…" said a straight-laced looking girl standing in front of the room. "Rarely do I have the _pleasure_, nay, the _privilege _to have somebody as wonderful to report about as the great master of painting, inventions, and intellectual thought, as Leonardo DaVinchi!"

"Well, at least this doesn't sound boring," said Marik to Odion.

"Yes, LEONARDO DAVINCHI! The man, no, not a man, a GOD!" said the girl, a little too enthusiastically. "So brilliant, so…so INCREDIBLY AMAZING, so truly, ultimately, mind-blowingly, staggeringly, miraculously, incredibly, superbly MAGNIFICENT, THAT I WOULD TRADE MY LIFE, MY HONOR, MY SOLE IF NESSESSARY, SO THAT THIS MAN WOULD BECOME IMORTAL! I WOULD RATHER DIE A THOUSAND LONG, ATROCIOUS, VILE, SADISTIC, BLOODY DEATHS THAN DARE, **DARE**, TO EVEN TOUCH, NO, TO EVEN BREATH THE SAME AIR AS THIS SUPERIOR, FLAWLESS HUMAN BEING O-"

"Next," said the teacher deadly.

---ooo---

"Okay, how about this one Odion?" asked Marik, as the girl shot back to the teacher that she wasn't going to sit down. "We convince Yugi that his Puzzle is infested with termites and-"

"Termites eat wood smart one," said Odion.

"Um…fleas?" tried Marik.

"No…" said Odion.

"The dreaded, warlord-like Powderpuff Pixies?" asked Marik.

"Marik, he's never going to believe that," said Odion. "Heck, even you wouldn't believe something so completely, one-sidedly stupid."

"Hey dude, your pen's infected with the dreaded Plutonian Puffer Penguins," said a kid next to Marik. "Can I have it?"

"Sure!" said Marik, enthusiastically handing it over.

"Oh never mind," said Odion. "I have an idea, but we're going to have to wait until a certain someone in this room actually presents…"

---ooo---

Meanwhile, in his usual seat at the back of the classroom, with a wall of unused desks barricading him from any hint of social interaction, except for one where his robotic pall was taking down precise and neat-looking notes, Seto Kaiba was silently going through his thoughts, not at all paying attention to the fact that the girl who was still ranting about Leonardo DaVinchi was fighting against the History Teacher dragging her back to her seat. The fact is that for all these years, he was convinced that he would never ever never ever never ever _never _fall in love, and now, out of nowhere, he falls for someone. WHY? He decided to try to make deals with himself. Maybe I'm not in love…yeah, that's it. I'm not in love. This isn't a lame, fan fiction, 'somehow try to make Kaiba fall in love' kind of fic. I'm not going to turn into a winged, angsty, shoju-manga-ish pretty boy. No, of course not. It can't be. It's all just a trick of his mind.

That's when he looked down at his binder to see that he wrote 'Crazy Red-Haired Girl Who Knocked the Crap Off Of Joey' all over it in little red hearts. And that's when he realized he was doomed.

"Nii-san, if I do a search under 'Leonardo DaVinchi' if I don't learn anything from the rest of the projects and list my site sources, would that be cheating?" asked Azusa to Seto, who was still in a mental spiral. "Nii-san? Um…Nii-san…"

She poked Seto, but he was much to distracted to listen to her, which it turned out was the most one hundred percent wrong thing to do. You see, Seto forgot that a Manga/Anime freak designed Asuza, which means that, of course, he'd hide a secret flaw in her programming, which caused her to switch data files in basic etiquette skills to file SCD-3924-24-JAS, code named 'Homicidal Maniac With a Huge Desk'.

"NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

This got Seto's attention, but only for a minute, because he was then repeatedly beaten by Azusa, who managed to pull up a full sized desk like Bianca did, in a devastating, savage, and hilarious mannor.

"NII-SAN! WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?" screamed Azusa, still beating him. "DON'T YOU DARE PASS OUT! SAY SOMETHING! SAY SOMETHING! NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Please don't beat your fellow students senseless Ms. Azusa," said the teacher. "Now it's Mr. Joey Wheeler's turn to present. Mr. Wheeler, if you would…"

"Alright!" said Joey, excited that for some random reason he actually decided to _do _this particular project. "I'm going to ace this…baby…"

Unfortunately, when he reached into his binder to pull out his report, all he found was…a strawberry Pop Tart.

"Uh oh…" said Joey.

"Joey…why don't you have your project? And…what is that?" Yugi asked, pointing to Joey's Pop Tart.

**THAT MORNING**

_Boy…these Pop Tarts are sure starchy today…_Joey thought, happily chewing on his oral report at the breakfast table.

---ooo---

"Oh no, not again!" said Joey, slapping his forehead.

"Calm down Joey, you just need to think…well, never mind, just, uh-"

"Mr. Wheeler…" said the teacher in a very dangerous 'I fail your butt back to kindergarten where you belong blonde boy' tone of voice, tapping his foot very threateningly.

"Wing it!" whispered Yugi frantically.

---ooo---

"Oh jeez, I can't believe I slammed you that hard…" said Tish, frantically fanning Bianca's unconscious body with a notebook on the floor of the girl's bathroom. "I didn't mean to knock you out! Just to stun you! DANGIT BEE! This is our trip to Canada all over again…"

"Huh…what ha…" Bianca muttered, slowly getting to her feet. "Tish! What happened? Where am I?"

"You fainted, and you're in the ladies room," said Tish.

"Why did I faint?" asked Bianca.

"Uh…you tripped?" Tish tired.

"COOL! JUST LIKE IN CANADA!" said Bianca. "Hey, what happened to that blonde kid I was beating like a rug?"

"We have no time for you to rant about…uh, hallucinations!" said Tish. "Marik's still roaming the school, and he could be anywhere right now! I didn't manage to look at his scudule, but I'm sure if we ask around, we'll find him eventually. The sooner we bring him to justice for his terrible crime, the sooner we can get back home."

"And the sooner I can play with my brand new, shiny, happy fruit!" said Bianca.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," said Tish.

"LET'S GO MARIK HUNTING!" said Bianca enthusiastically, springing up, which incidentally wasn't a good idea, because her head banged against a sink she was under, and she fell to the floor again.

"Oh good God, now we're back to square one…" said Tish, hastily fanning her again.

---ooo---

"Okay, here's our plan of attack," said Asuka to her crew of four, all successfully in the high school. "Shou, you and Mobster head to the east wing to make sure the perimeter is secure, and whatever you do, don't draw attention to yourselves."

"DON'T WORRY!" Mobster screamed. "Being inconspicuous is what I'm the best at!"

"Uh…huh…" said ASV.

"SILENCE FOOL!" said Mobster angrily.

"As for you two," said Asuka, pointing to Double S and ASV, "you take East Wing. I would avoid the girl's part of the gymnasium if I were you for obvious reasons."

"Okay!" Double S said cheerfully.

"I'll ask around to see if anyone's seen the main component in the resurrection," said Asuka. "I want all of you to meet back here in one hour. Got it?"

"Right!" said everyone, heading off in separate directions.

---ooo---

"Boy, looking for some guy in a high school during school hours is about as boring as being locked in a closet," said Mobster, following Shou,

"Except between classes, then you get to threaten students with your shoulder cannon!" said Shou.

"Yeah, but that only lasts for, like, three minutes," said Mobster. "Besides, then they report you."

"Good point…" said Shou, suddenly stopping in the middle of the hallway, causing Mobster to bang into his back, which really meant something, because they were about the same height. Our two trigger-happy friends found themselves in the place of ultimate temptation…the cafeteria…full to the brim with vending machines.

"I bet they just got filled to…" said Shou, his eyes shining.

"But didn't Asuka tell us not to draw attention to ourselves?" asked Mobster. "Because, ya know, when you blow up stuff, you can't help but get at least one or two people a little suspicious…"

"Did she tell us _not _to blow up stuff?" asked Shou.

"Nope!" chirped Mobster. "DIBS ON THE SODA MACHINE!"

---ooo---

"ZIGFRIED!" Dartz screamed angrily. "Why are you here? I specifically moved so that you would never follow me again!"

"Dartz, Dartz, Dartz," said Ziggy. "Iz zis how you say hallo to your brother?"

BUM BUM BUM!

"NO, THIS IS HOW I SAY HELLOW TO BLEEDING PAIN IN THE NECKS!" yelled Dartz. "Everywhere you go, you act like you're something else! It's like you think your royalty or something just because you're rich, powerful, practically own Germany, and have a bunch of hot maids in uniform…uh, BUT YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!"

"Well face it, _I'm _the one Mother likes more," said the German Loony.

"SAYS WHO?" yelled Dartz angrily, his hair fizzing wildly, due to his forehead boiling over in rage, and casing many passerby students to wonder why two girly men were arguing in the middle of the halway (ultimately not wanting to know the answer to their queries). "For all I care, Mother likes the dog more!"

"Vell, you _are_ adopted," said Zigfried.

"I AM NOT!" yelled Dartz.

"You're ten thousand years old, and have blue hair," said the German Loon. "You're a charity case, and thus, Mutti loved me more, and just look at me now! I have so much money, I use it as fancy toilet paper!"

"Maybe so, but I have the most confident team of go-getters, and together, we're going to become the most powerful world-destroying beings in the world!" Dartz said, tears gleaming in his eyes, wondering if he really was adopted, and the lesser-favored child of the family.

"OIM TELLION YOO, IT'S SALMMON!" yelled Valon, pointing to one of the cars in the teacher's parking lot.

"Its' too grey to be salmon!" yelled Alister back, indicating the same car. "It's obviously a kind of ash-pink!"

"Salmon!"

"Ash-pink!"

"Salmon!"

"Ash-pink!"

"SALMON!"

"ASH-PINK!

"IT'S SALMON YOU AFEMINATE GIRLY MAN!"

"IT'S ASH-PINK YOU FILTHY STUPID AUZIE!"

"Ignore them!" said Dartz. "You may have money, power, hot maids, and fancy toilet paper, but I have something that even your fat wads of cash can't buy!"

"Diet soda without that weird after taste?" asked Ziggy.

"NO!" said Dartz. "Talent, incentive, and wit!"

"Excuse me?" asked Asuka, walking up to the two, holding up a picture of Marik in a black, leather dress with red pumps and a handbag, "have either of you two gentlemen seen this man?"

"That's a man?" asked Zigfried.

"No, he's not ringing any bells…" said Dartz.

"Perferect. Jee-yust peachy…" said Asuka. "This is going to take all-"

Suddenly, there came a humongous explosion from the East Wing that was so powerful, that even the windows were shaking in their panes.

"EARTHQUAKE!" cried Dartz.

"ZEE BLITZKREIG AT LAST!" cried Zigfried happily.

"_Shou…_" Asuka said acidly.

---ooo---

"You're kidding…" said a person draped in a red cloak, consoling the sobbing fool of a dubber who had an unfortunate meeting of Double S in a dark room with all kinds of creepy symbols and torches, surrounded by a circle of other dubbers in red cloaks, adding to the creepy air. "Asuka and Shou…they're here? And they brought reinforcements?"

"Yeah…adorable chibis…" said the man, sobbing again in the other's are.

"No matter…" said the first. "You've done well, Bunny Nose. Asuka and Shou can come as they will…"

"We've just received word that Hayasaka and Tamakashi are here as well…" said another dude.

"It is of no trouble," said another. "All our potential enemies in one place…it will be all too easy to ruin them…"

"We must begin part one of the plan," said another dubber. "The master grows impatient. We must now cripple the schools defenses. Send in…the virus…"

---ooo---

"Uh…my, uh, report on…uh…Leonardo…DaVinchi…" said Joey awkwardly, standing in front of the room in front of students who were already colossally bored (or in Seto's case, in tremendous amounts of pain). "Well Leonardo…is…unfortunately…kind of…on the…dead side…"

"Alright, here's your chance," whispered Odion to Marik. "Now that Yugi's distracted by watching his best friend crash and burn, we snatch his puzzle while he's distracted."

"BRILLIANT!" screamed Marik, slowly creeping foreword, as Joey just stood in front of the room sweating and trying to figure out something to say without sounding or looking stupid, and not doing a good job. Marik was in the seat right behind Yugi, so all he had to do was stretch across the desk, grab the back of the chain that held the Puzzle on Yugi's neck and-

BAM!

Everyone turned around in shock, to see, framed in the doorway that slammed open, our favorite Ryo Bakura, with the look on his face that he was about to do something incredibly nasty…

---ooo---

I think that's a good place to leave off!

I wish I owned Leonardo DaVinchi, and I really wish I owned the web comic Megatokyo…but I don't…

**CHAPTER FIVE ½**

**UNTITLED**

"Alright Shou, tonight's the night that we've been waiting for…" said our favorite Asuka to our favorite Shou.

"WALACE AND GROMIT'S FINALLY OUT?" asked Shou happily.

"No Shou…the other night?" asked Asuka.

"OH!" Shou cried. "I…I don't think I'm ready Asuka…"

"Sorry Shou, the bonds of fate have already been tied," said Asuka. "I'm afraid tonight is, as they say…it."

There was a silence between our two heroes.

"We have everything we need, right?" asked Shou.

"Red Eye?" asked Asuka.

"Extra strong," replied Shou.

"Suicide hotline?" asked Asuka.

"On speed dial," said Shou.

"Aspirin?" asked Asuka.

"Ten bottles," said Shou.

"Extra absorbent tissues?" asked Asuka.

"Always…new box…" said Shou.

The two both sighed to themselves. Then, they both fell backwards onto the couch in the living room where we had set our scene, which was loaded with first aide kits, emergency telephone numbers, as well as self help books dealing with depression.

"Okay Shou…there's no turning back now, you realize that, right?" asked Asuka.

"Uh huh…" said Shou.

"Right," said Asuka, picking up the clicker. "Shou…let's see how bad we got dubbed."

As they silently watched the American Version of the story line play out in front of them, listening to the music, and watching as names and faces scrolled by, there was only one thing that could be said to describe what was to come.

"I wonder how girly your voice actor is Shou," Asuka said.

---ooo---

Next time, we bear witness to the rest of Joey's project, a deranged school librarian, and…mayhaps…THE RESURECTION OF THE MOST EVILEST OF ALL EVIL! Oh, and some other stuff I guess…

Please excuse the random sentences. MONKEY FRUIT! WOOT!


	6. The Red Dog Computer Virus

_Way to Destroy a Math Teacher's self esteem #21: Go to class wearing nothing but black and only answer to the name 'Sparkles'._

Wow, chapter six already? This story's going fast…oh, and thank you to the people who wished me a safe recovery from my cold! I feel much better! But then again, my locker just exploded, so I had to lug my books around…

And now it's time to thank all of my fabulous reviewers!

Bilbo-sama

Boy you're really making a habit of reviewing first! YAY!

Anyway, valspeak…brr, scary thoughts. I've had a brush with valspeak in Spanish once before. But I digress.

And now…GX RANT! Because I can! But anyway, is it just me or is Crowler scaring me more and more every day? When he put lipstick on to kiss the fake love note, a) why would he have it in the first place? b) why does it look like he's wearing lipstick already? His earrings are cool though…

Alien…dolphins…

Okay, moving on, SHOU'S ADORIBLE, JUUDAI'S AWESOME, AND ASUKA ROCKS! But still, I really want to see more of Ryou (Shou's brother Ryou) in the show. He looks very interesting…he's got the whole mysterious air. AND 'CHAZZ' SCARES ME! I mean really! What's with his obsession with creating demeaning, alliterate threats to Slipher Students? THAT'S MY JOB! I AM THE MISTRESS OF ALLITERATION!

Okay (hack) I'm done scaring you.

THANK YOU AS ALWAYS FOR THE REVIEW! May this chapter scare you…

Mokuba's Official Glomper

YAY! My favorite insanity!

Boy, Marik needs a bride and fast by the looks of it…anyway! You don't like Bianca much, do you? Oh well, one day our Seto will realize that maybe…Alister really is a girl and the dub cast lied to us again. Maybe…ish…

OKAY! YAY FUNNY! I really like these reviews! (Giggles) I'm glad your dad likes it too! I'm glad to see I'm touching the other generations.

Thank you as always MOG! ENJOY THIS CHAPTER A LOT! PLEASE?

ShadowFire2

You know, I have a feeling that it's hard for any human being to possibly like Zigfried. I suppose I don't hate him, but he creeps me out at times, especially his Japanese princess style hairdo. But no, Dartz isn't much better. I mean, his hair is blue for crying! And he uses mascara, I just know it…

Napoleon was a scary dude. All his portraits had to have made him look at least three feet higher. And why his hand was always in his jacket…I'm really too scared to ask. Though it would be fun to dress up like him though! Hey, that would be a good market…cosplaying actual historical figures…hmm, I wonder.

Okay! Thanks for the review ShadowFire! Enjoy da chappy!

Kiwigirl89

HEY! Haven't heard from you in awhile! Now I know why!

Mean laptops, they're no fun. Anyway, a lot of people seem to like the Doom Biker's daydreams. It took me a bit to think them up though…but still. And I'm glad someone like's Zigfried. For a screaming loony, he sure has a cute brother XD.

Hey, I hope you keep reading! Thanks for checking in!

Pointe Master

Well, Seto has been scaring me rather recently as well, and since I like him, I naturally beat him up whenever I have a chance. Boy, imagine how hard my first boyfriends going to have it.

Yay, it was kind of a crazy idea to make Dartz and Zigfried brothers, but still, they look a little like each other…a little…

Ah, the evil thingits. I'm glad someone asked! What they are shall soon be revealed! Just tune in!

Thank you for the nice long review this time Pointe Master! Henjoy!

Amarie Miriel

I actually wrote down the cold thing pretty early in the week, so I felt much better by Friday! But thanks for being so kind! I'm glad you care! (Gives candy)

Double S and da crew rocks. Whenever you need to beat up dubbers, he's there. I wish I could make a plushie of him…

Raps are actually pretty easy for me to do, because I feel like I'm just writing a poem with a beat to it. Though I don't do it very often. I'm not what you'd call an 'Urb'.

I'm sure we've all had those blank-out moments when you just stand in front of a huge crowd and completely lose everything in your brain. Dartz and Ziggy just look alike, so I thought 'what if they were brothers?' and all the insanity spawned from there.

Tanks for da review! It's been nice hearing from you as always!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

I'm surprisingly okay with Seto being beat up by a chick robot…

I'm sure any mortal man would get in trouble if they ever tried a stunt on a biography project. Hee hee, the argument you had with your sister must have been funny.

Oh nuts! I hope you feel better! (Sends pie) Where am I getting all this food?

Okay, back to the point. Wow! That fight thing sounded like a riot! Or at least a potential riot. All we have is football games…now that you mention it, I'd probably be pretty upset if I got compaired to a male character. Well, mostly creeped out, but still.

THANKIES FOR THE REVIEW HOWL, er, MIZZ-SERENITY WHEELER! Kidding, kidding…enjoy the chapter!

Gothangelmyu

The reports on Leonardo made half of the fun for writing the last chapter. And yes, while incredibly amusing, Double S can sometimes be a bit scary. I blame the fact that he plays RPGs way too much…

YAY! I'm glad you liked Fruits Baskets, and I'm even happier you watch! I've only seen two episodes, but I have all the copies of the Manga to date (That's all I spend my money on, games, manga, cards, occasionally anime...)

YAY! THANKIE SPANIKES! Hope you like this next chapter gothangelmyu!

LeDiva

Dartz and Zigfried turned out to be much funnier plot devices than I expected. Yeah, I'm keeping them.

A couple people really liked the dubber incident too. Yu-Gi-Oh must be the second worst show dubbed ever (Speed Racer still takes first).

THE BLITZKRIEG AT LAST! Er, thanks for reviewing again LeDiva! I hope you like the next one!

LoneFlyinTigers

'Sgood ta seeya back!

Bet you learned a couple things about Leonardo DaVinchi that you didn't know before, huh? I don't know why, but in some horrible, twisted way, I think they are related. Crazy? I THINK NOT!

Dubbers are the people in charge of turning a Japanese show into one in English or some other language. The problem? Often, they cut out scenes and change the dialog for the English voice actors, and they delete out all the swear words too! But really, it's amazing how dubbers can make a show wonderful or completely muck it up.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing again! ENJOY THE CHAPTER!

Lefthandedfreak, Josh the Figment Man, a Pegasus Plushie, and Danny the Dolphin

YAY! I missed Danny the Dolphin!

I LOVE THAT SONG! Um, anyway, THE CURSE KEEPS RESPAWNING! This is just too crazy to be a coincidence…

Congrats on trusting your gut Lefthand! Reminds me of the guy who asked me out and…got expelled four months later…

That sounds like a terribly exciting adventure. Lots of people think I'm crazy and try to make me normal…BUT DEY HAVEN'T GOTTEN ME YET! MUA HA HA! Ah, whatsit land…don't worry about running over pedestrians! One day I will!

Thank you for the review as always! YOU ROCK JOSH! You too Danny! Enjoy da chappie!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Saz, and Yami

HEY GUYS! Sup?

An audiotape about a bandaid…I'm tearing up already…it sounds so moving.

An evil Manga selling technique, to wrap the dang thing in plastic and let you find out for yourself whether it's racy or not. .hack sounds like a good Manga. Maybe I should put it on my Christmas List.

Thank you tons tons TONS for letting me print the hip and uber cool messages in the story! They're at the end of the chapter! And thank you for the get well wishes!

Chapter Six

**THE RED DOG COMPUTER VIRUS**

_In which we discover the only woman Yami Bakura fears._

"Hello everyone…" said Ryo, with a slight eye twitch, pulling out a bottle of Red Eye from his school bag and chugging it down, sighing happily in relief, briefly shaking off the dizzying effect. "I'm here to…learn, yeah, that's it, learn…"

"Do you have a late pass young man?" asked the History teacher dully.

"Uh, hang on a second," said Ryo , dumping out the rest of the contents of his bag on the floor, which turned out to be five assorted daggers, a hand axe, the bottle of Red Eye, two impaling stakes, one rattlesnake skeleton, his lucky, cuddly rabbit stuffed animal, a flask of High Priest Seth's Ten-Second Cold Remover (been fermenting for three thousand years…that's good stuff…), which he stole, and the late pass, which had a huge slash through it.

"Ah, here we go," he said, holding up the late pass.

"Uh…never mind," said the teacher. "Just sit down Mr. Bakura…"

Bakura slunk to his desk in an almost drunken stride, giggling insanely to himself, and sat right behind Yugi, eagerly twinging at the thought of fresh blood.

"You aren't on the off chanced possessed by your Yami, right?" asked Yugi to Ryo.

"Of course not!" said Ryo, pulling out his Global History binder, which had 'Die Pharaoh, Die' scribbled all over it.

"OKAY! Just wondering!" said Yugi happily.

---ooo---

"I love this!" said Mobster, as she used a shoulder cannon she borrowed from Shou to blow up a soda machine.

"I know, isn't it the best?" said Shou, smiling with joy at the smoldering crater which a snack machine once stood. "OH! DIBS ON THE FRUIT MACHINE!

BOOM!

"SHOU! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" yelled Asuka, as Shou blew up the fruit machine.

"Oh, sorry," said Shou, holding out the bazooka cannon. "Do you want a turn?"

"Is this what you call not being noticed?" asked Asuka angrily. "A NUCLEAR WAR IS MORE INCONSPICUOUS!"

"What's inconspicuous?" asked Mobster.

"It's those heat thingies they use to eggs to make them hatch," said Shou.

"Those are _incubators _Shou," said Asuka.

"Oh, right, inconspicuous…that…a quality of being…warm and hatching eggs?" asked Shou.

Asuka just closed her eyes and counted backwards from ten to one. She liked Shou, she respected him, but it's days like this when she really wished she was at legal drinking age.

"Okay, from now on, no more blowing up inanimate objects, especially vending machines, on this mission, clear?" asked Asuka.

"Okay…" said Mobster and Shou sadly.

"Well, wherever Double S and ASV are, they're sure doing a lot better than us," said Asuka.

---ooo---

"Hello? Ultimate evil?" asked Double S, looking into a garbage can outside of the main hallway. "Threat to mankind? Destroyer of all modern society? Where are you?"

"It's no use Double S," said ASV to the other winged chibi. "There's nothing we can do to stop this ultimate evil if we have absolutely no clue what this horrible beast looks like. What can we possibly do when we're chasing after something when we-"

"So…you search for the evil one?"

The two whirled around in horror to see a tall, white haired figure behind them. She was at least six foot, and was in traditional goth wear, which included a short, gray coat, black mini dress, scratchy leggings, combat boots, and spiked bracelets. She had a huge braid of white hair that nearly touched the floor, her skin was as pale white as a ghost's here eyes were completely black, and rimmed with black eyeliner. She also wore dark, black lipstick, had a cross tattoo on her forehead, and another odd tattoo on her cheek.

"Uh…I guess so…" said ASV.

"Yes, you have that distinct 'Going off to Save the World' look," said the Goth Chick. "Well, if you're going to hunt down this unholy demon, you'll need information, correct?"

"Yes…" said Double S.

"Of course you do, of course," said the Goth Girl. "And you wish to know who exactly has this information, yes?"

"Look, are these questions you want a serious question for, or just ones to freak us out and force us to give you a strained respond to give yourself a cheep laugh?" asked ASV.

"Oh, that's tough, I'd have to say about twenty two percent serious, seventy eight percent cheep laugh," said the Goth Girl. "Anyway, you want to know if I have such information, am I-"

"_Stop that already!_" ASV said.

"Sorry, just wondered if I could get away with it," said the Goth Girl. "However, the information that I have hidden deep in my heart comes at a high…almost unbearable price…"

"And we're all for high, almost unbearable prices," said ASV, rolling his eyes.

"What do we have to do?" asked Double S.

"You must…solve this algebra problem of moderate difficulty, showing all work, as well as checking your solution," said the Goth Girl, handing over an algebra problem written on a piece of paper to the two.

"NO! THERE'S FRACTIONS IN IT!" cried Double S.

**APROXIMATLY FOURTY EIGHT SECONDS LATTER**

"Oh thank God, that one's been puzzling me all day," said the Goth, tucking the algebra problem in her super-long coat sleeve, revealing her black painted nails. "Still, who would have thought the answer would be a small house in Surrey?"

"Yeah, who knew?" said ASV, as Double S was still scratching his head in confusement.

"Anyway, you wish to receive this information now, yes?" asked the Goth Girl.

"I told you to stop that!" said ASV.

"So sorry, bad habit," said the Goth Girl. "Anyway, down the stairs, at the very base floor of the school, there's a boiler room, with one boiler that whistles and rumbles day and night. Behind it is a door, painted black, with one word painted across it in thin, fading red letters…Pandora…it's a very nice Janitor's Closet, but it doesn't have any information of the evil one in it."

"And you said it because…" asked Double S.

"Again, I love freaking you out…" said the Goth Girl. "Just go straight down, go left, then right, and it's your third door to your left."

"Thank you!" said Double S cheerfully.

"And by the way, did you leave your lava lamp plugged in before you left?" asked the Goth Girl to ASV.

"Wait, how did you-" ASV asked.

"You shouldn't you know, it's wasteful, as well as a fire hazard," said the Goth Girl. "Oh, and don't either of you bother buying a lotto ticket tonight, you're not going to win. Have a nice day…"

The girl turned on her heel and walked down the stairs to her class, leaving the two alone and staring in disbelief at where she treaded.

"That was the fourth creepiest person I have ever met in my entire life," said Double S.

---ooo---

Mrs. Edna Wendelton was by almost all means a very common school librarian. She was fifty seven years old with gray hair and green-gray eyes, her hair always in a bun, and always wearing a nice, clean sundress, even during the winter, a calm yet tired-looking demeanor, and was married to a Deputy Police Officer in the DPD. She had two cats, named Mittsy and Donald, one after Donald Duck, her favorite cartoon character growing up, and she spent nearly all of her free time reading or knitting, as well as dusting and card cataloging all of her precious books.

However, there was one little detail about this librarian that made her a bit different than many of the libraries in the county, or even the geological area. She was of the one or two librarians on record that was mentally and emotionally unstable, and had extremely homicidal tendencies.

Unfortunately, this was a bit of odd information that Bianca and Tish didn't know as they walked into the story line.

"Figures there'd be a line by the time we got here," said Tish to Bianca with a yawn. "My God, I need a nap in the worst kind of way…maybe a nice cup of extra milky tea…"

"Excuse me, I want to bring back this book, but it's a day late," said an innocent Freshman standing in front of Tish and Bianca, holding a copy of Harry Potter and the Lunatic of Southern Kent.

"HEATHEN!" screamed the librarian at the top of her lungs, holding up a huge axe, which she was about to strike down on the girl in one, decapitating blow. " HOW DARE YOU BRING YOUR PUTRID SIN TO CONTAMINATE THE SANCTITY OF THIS LIBRARY? YOU SHALL PAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Okay, overdue books are ten cents a day, right?" said the freshman guy, fishing through his pockets while trying to find a dime, oblivious to the fact that the librarian grabbed the arm that held the axe, wrestling herself to the floor to stop him from brutally slaughtering the boy, who sighed in frustration as his search only yielded a penny.

"No…I don't need it…just go away…" the librarian managed to gasp as she still wrestled herself around the floor to prevent her dark side from completely taking over.

"Hang on, I'm sure I have a couple nickels in here or something," said the freshman kid.

"NO! GO! BEFORE I KILL AGAIN!" screamed the librarian, now in fits of utter pain damming back the violently bloodless, and the great craving for the taste of human suffering.

"Whatever," said the kid, walking out to get a new book. Tish awkwardly advanced in the line, while Bianca skipped off to look at the picture books.

"And what…do you want…" asked the librarian, struggling to a standing position, still looking like she was holding back a juggernaut of power, her bun much more ruffled, with loose strands falling wildly all around it.

"Are you going to be okay?" asked Tish.

"Oh yes…this is nothing compared to that day…" said the librarian. "November Seventeenth, nineteen years ago…I shall toil in this library forever, begging…one day…for redemption…"

"Boy, the job market's worse than I thought…" said Tish. "Anyway, do you have a research computer I can use?"

"Over…there…" the librarian said, weakly pointing to a computer in the corner of the room where computers were lined up.

"Thank you," said Tish. The computers were actually very nice, but were on a bit of a slow system, not to mention that Tish didn't have a student password, so she had to hack into it using her own system methods.

"TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH, will you read me The Hungry Little Caterpillar?" asked Bianca, hopping over to the computer Tish was at.

"Not now Bianca, I'm trying to access my account on HQ's home site," said Tish on 'Secret Organizations Jump dot com'. "Huh…here we…what the?"

For some reason, she tried to click on it, but the cursor refused to move onto the icon to the site.

"What's going on?" said Tish, trying to get in. "It's like the computer's refusing to let us anywhere outside of the school bandwidth…"

"I like the pretty pictures," said Bianca, flipping through the book.

"We're virtually locked in! I can't believe this!" said Tish. "This is the most complicated firewall I've ever seen!"

"Hello Victim!" said a peppy, robotic voice from the computer. "You have just received the Red Dog Computer Virus!"

"WHAT THE-" yelled Tish.

What happened next was the most destructive computer virus Tish had ever seen. First, a small, red dog head appeared on the screen, quickly saying 'Raow?', then with a millisecond burst of static, there would be two, who would both simultaneously say 'Raow?', and then there would be another burst, and there would be four, then eight, then sixteen-

"SHE'S GOING TO BLOW!" screamed Tish, grabbing Bianca, then performing a really awesome ninja-y kind of move, catepalting herself and Bianca over a tall book shelve holding reference books from 000.00 to 055.23, and just in time, for with a huge boom, the computer exploded in a fiery blast of heat and light, spraying silicon and hot plastic every which way.

"Oh…my…God…" said Tish in horror at the fiery lump of melting plastic where her computer once stood.

"CAN I MAKE THE NEXT COMPUTER EXPLODE TISH?" asked Bianca happily.

"Bianca, this is bad. There is no way a computer virus of this destructive capability can possibly be made by nothing less than a powerful organization," said Tish. "This is the first virus to my knowledge that actually makes a computer completely explode…this is worse than the 'Soft Cat Virus' crisis a couple of months ago!"

"But I want to make a computer explode!" Bianca said.

"There's no time to lose!" said Tish. "Bianca, I need you to find me a laptop computer, any one will do, so I can try to break through the firewall and destroy the virus before the schools entire electrical system has a meltdown. I need to stay here and make sure no one logs on."

"RIGHT!" said Bianca. "One Lappy Toppy Computery coming right up!"

With that, our dimwitted friend rushed off to find a personal laptop computer, while Tish sat back to realize just how entirely doomed they were.

---ooo---

Meanwhile, just after Ryo was dismissed to his seat, Joey was still helplessly floundering with his newly wung project on Leonardo DaVinchi. If I was feeling in a particularly malicious mood, I would comment on how much he was completely failing, losing all sense of dignity by performing 'The Leonardo DaVinchi Dance', which turned out to be the most pathetic cross of the Electric Slide, the Funky Chicken, and The Macarena'. Not to mention that he was making up some of the most stupid facts about Leonardo DaVinchi ever, such as that he had a car hiring service, in his free time he played golf, as well as sold OTC wart removers, and that he was actually a small penguin in a zoo south of Albuquerque, making this project by far the stupidest, most once sided, terrible, awful, dreadful, poor, appalling, horrific, shocking, and frightfully dim presentation yet.

But of course, I'm not feeling in a malicious mood.

Anyway, the important thing was that after being moderately distracted at the grand entrance of our favorite possessed little friend, and wishing he could have a swig at that Red Eye (but not the Headache Remover, he couldn't take the really hard stuff), Marik finally got back to his original plan, which was to steal Yugi's puzzle.

However, he soon discovered that such became a task in itself. First, while he was amazed that Yugi didn't notice that his puzzle was moving on his neck due to being so absorbed in Joey's failure, but also getting it off was a bit of a problem. You see, for some unknown reason, my guess on a silly little whim, Yugi had the strongest urge to douse his hair with an extra large amount of gel and hairspray that morning, making his hair having both the flexibility and the structure of solid concrete. So Marik found it nearly, well not nearly, _completely_, impossible to actually tug the darn thing off. He tugged and pulled and struggled, banging and scraping the chain against Yugi's head, and still he couldn't get it off (boy, if Yugi's concentration is that intense, he should seriously consider a career as a High School Teacher).The second obstacle of the Millennium Puzzle…actually getting the bloody chain off from around the neck of a star-shape haired loony.

However, as Joey was just talking about to talk in depth about Leonardo DaVinchi's sick fascination with Michelangelo's belly button, Marik tripped upon a stroke of luck. A piece of Yugi's hair, the bottom left point to be exact, completely chipped off, falling to the floor with a rocky sort of clunk. This gave Marik enough room to whip off the Puzzle, causing it to be in his grasp once again. And with that, some sinister fanfare played in the background again, and Marik was about to start a triumphant evil laugh when-

"MUA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Someone else beat him to the punch.

"WHAT THE FRICK?" Marik yelled spinning around on his chair. Then, he saw YB, screaming his head off in his classic 'I've gone mad again' kind of laughing pose, clutching the Millennium Rod, which he had took the liberty of sneaking out of Marik's bag while Marik was trying to get the Millennium Puzzle off of Yugi's neck.

"HEY! THAT'S MY ROD!" said Marik angrily at YB. "GIVE IT BACK GIRLY BOY!"

"Look who's talking!" said YB in his dark, incredibly hot voice. "Besides, why should I? You were stupid enough to turn your back on it. And I emphasize the word 'stupid'."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM ODION?" asked Marik angrily.

"What?" asked Odion, who was too busy having massive giggle fits at Joey's project to know that Marik was even talking until now.

"I'LL BLOW YOU UP!" said Marik, once again trying to make a serious effort to make the Puzzle blow something up, while Odion just rolled his eyes.

"That's a good one!" said YB. "I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF POSSESSING ALL SEVEN MILLENIUM ITEMS! And now…ISHALLAUGHINSANELY! MUA HA HA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HA HA! HEE HEE HA HA HA HA! WHO HO HA HA HA! HEE TEE CHEH HEE HA HA-"

"Make him stop Odion!" said Marik, covering his ears and looking like he was on the verge of tears. Odion sighed at the patheticness of this whole situation, grabbed the Millennium Rod out of YB's hands, and stuffed them in Marik's.

"I WANTED SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE DRAMATIC ODION!" said Marik, holding both the puzzle and the Rod.

"What do I look like, a James Bond Movie?" asked Odion. "Make your own dramatic scene!"

"FINE!" said Marik, hopping on a desk, while somehow Joey continued to talk about Leonardo DaVinchi and everyone else watched him intently. "HA! Now who's laughing you silly, white haired pansy? I gots da shiny gold and you don't, ha ha ha ha ha HA! Now, how can I rub this in your face?"

"YOU FOOL!" screamed YB in bug-eyed horror, staring at Marik. "You can't stand with the Rod and the Puzzle so close together! It's dangerous! It's unethical! IT'S HAS THE INCREDIBLE POTENTIAL TO BECOME A REALLY SCARY PLOT TWIST!"

"Cheyah right," said Marik. "What do I look like, some boob screaming at the top of a desk?"

"YES!" said YB. "Whatever you do…DON'T CROSS THOSE MILLENNIUM ITEMS!"

Now, this is when cruel irony really plays its part in the story. You see, as you know, ever since Briar Rabbit said 'DON'T THROW ME IN THAT CONFORKIN' BRIAR PATCH!' crafty fictional characters always love to play that trick that when their in a sticky situation, they somehow use reverse psychology to make the antagonist do exactly what they want them to do. However, due to a shocking twist, YB actually asked, in desperation, to not do what he actually _wanted _not to be done. Of course, since Marik fits the traditional dim-witted fool, he, of course, followed the tradition.

"Oh cheyah right!" said Marik. "I bet that's exactly what you wanted to do pretty girly softy…THING!"

"I'm serious you git!" yelled Yami Bakura. "If you cross the Rod and the Puzzle, it will awaken the most devastating force known to man! TRULY IT WOULD BE THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE PAWN OF SATAN THE MORTAL WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! Which now that you mention it is something I'd really like to summon, BUT DUE TO THE FACT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CONTROL IT-"

"CORK IT FAT HEAD!" said Marik. "I'll show you Pawn of Ultimate Evil!"

And then…oh horrors…well, I think you can guess with he did. When he did, there was a massive pulsation of dark power so dramatic, that both items were thrown out of his hands, and he was thrown to the floor. With that, a wave of completely evil energy surged in an ever expanding ring, completely destroying the windows in the room, and actually snapping the teacher out of his fantasy of how awesome it would have been if he made it through law school.

Anyway, in unrelated news, Asuka suddenly had a terrible, unknown shock at the back of her head, which could only be that horrible feeling that she screwed up big time.

Anyway, now, in the middle of the room, there was a circle writing itself on the floor, as well as a twisted, evil looking kind of symbol (with a distinct Egyptian look) was writing itself on the floor, and spawning from it seemed to be a dark hole, with pulsating lightning through it for effect, began to generate.

"No…you can't have…" YB choked in horror. "Oh no…she'll want to take me first…you demon…you…you've unleashed…"

"BAKURA!" screamed an old, white haired lady, who style was similar to Bakura's, with trifocals, an old blanket wrapped around her shoulders, and a cane. "HOW COME YOU NEVER CALL?"

"MOTHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!" screamed Yami Bakura in horror, as the old lady strode right up to Yami Bakura and grabbed him by the ear, dragging him into the portal, as he screamed and cried for mercy, and everyone in the room sweat dropped.

"I can't believe you Bakura, not writing or calling me or anything for the past two thousand years…YOU'VE HAD ME WORRIED SICK!" said YB's Mom, dragging him deeper into the hole, her voice slowly tapering off. "Oooh, I swear, when we talk to your father about this, he's going to give you the worst talking to of your afterlife…"

And then, everything went quiet.

"So…what are we going to do about the huge hole in the floor?" Odion ask.

"Just ignore it I guess," said Marik.

At that Moment, Ryo got kicked out of the portal, landing hard on his stomach, as it closed up, but still leaving a huge, weird magic symbol thingy on the floor.

"They didn't want me!" Ryo said sadly.

"Why would the netherworld want a white haired British fruit loop?" asked Marik. "Ah, whatever, at least we have-"

"THERE'S MY PUZZLE!" said Yugi happily, picking it up as the bell rang behind him, causing him to skip out into the hallway to change classes with all his other friends and stuff, including Joey, who was very happy to get out of the room, but not happy with the idea that he'd have to come back tomorrow to find out what his grade is.

"Oh well…there's always gym," said Marik with a shrug, as Odion just sighed.

"Come on," he said, walking out of the room. "Nothing of importance could possibly come out of this room anymore anyway…"

---ooo---

"Um…Raphael, you can seriously stop baking now…" said the Home Economics teacher to Raffy, who was still making culinary masterpieces.

"Five more minutes…" Raffy begged.

---ooo---

The Global Teacher decided that since this period was his free period, it would be a good chance to kick back and read some One-Shot Fan Fictions that he printed out last night just for the purpose (usually he graded papers, but since he failed everyone so far, there was really nothing left to do). No one knew that he shall be the first victim in the _true _Pawn of Ultimate Evil's path.

For the mysterious magic symbol in the middle of the room lit up again, and crawling from it came the most bizarre, disgusting, and sinister creature every to be thought up in an amature fan fiction comedy. One slim, friendship braceleted arm slid out, followed by a thigh-high, pink, platform boot…

The teacher turned to this horrific creature and screamed.

"New…best friends…" the beast said.

---ooo---

And now ladies and gents, for a special bonus whatsit, I have, here today, written by the way awesome Princess Mika of the Shadows, Leonard Da Vincio's Hip and Ubber Cool messaged to all you readers who want to know the real truth about Leonardo Da Vinchi! I got them from a review, and I asked to put it in the story, and this was their response:

_YO SHRI!  
I like fish! They are da bomb! Anyways I was just playin Duel Monsta's wit ma homies Ya' and 'To (Saz: he means Yami and Seto) and dey told me dat ya wanted ta print ma hip and uber cool lettas in ya story. SO I AM WRITING YA ANOTHER HIP AND UBER COOL MESSAGE TO SAY YA CAN PRINT IN IN DA STORY, BECAUSE DA STORY IS DA BOMB!  
I must leave now, I hafta go chill wit da Gorrilaz! starts rapping FEEL GOOD! FEEL GOOD!_

THANK YOU MIKA! Ladies and Gents, facts about Leo from Leo…

**LEONARD DA VINCIO'S HIP AND UBER COOL MESSAGE**

_Yo ma homie! Dis is Leonard da Vincio here. I luv ta chill in da crib and read fanfiction. Did ya know dat Seto likes wearing drag and has a thang for ma homie, Bob? Well, anyhoo, I luv ya story man, it's da bomb. I heard ya was gonna puts me in the story (or at least ma totally uncool counterpart). So I am here ta correct all da information ya gots bout me in case ya gots it wrong!  
Kay, a lil bout me and da homies.  
1. I AM DA BOMB. And I'm sexy.  
2. Ma homies are Mic (Michaelangela), Ass (Assachelli) and Raff (Raffael). ROCK ON!  
3. Ma most famous painting is QUANTITYSHIPPING: Da dedication ta da love of Bob Cecilia Ferdinand 'n Seto Kaiba, two of ma bestest homies.  
4. I like ta paint frescos in da hood.  
Yeah, dat's all I gotta say now. so make sure ya don't gets the info wrong, capisce? I don't want ma homies out there gettin' da wrong message.  
PEACE OUT,  
Leonard Da Vincio..._

---ooo---

The author would like to stress that to current knowledge, Seto does not wear drag and have a thing for Bob Cecilia Ferdinand…

I LEFT OFF ON ANOTHER EVIL CLIFFIE! SUFFER FOOLS! Oh, and I'm sure a few readers have enough foresight to see what's coming up next.

Next time, see Bianca meet 'The Korean Kid', the horrific beast begin to tear the school inside out, Dartz and Zigfried entering one of the deadliest games of online hearts known to man, and even…MOTIVATIONAL TENOR SINGERS! OH GOD! PLEASE! NOOOO!

See you next time!


	7. Welcome to Gym Class, May We Violently S

"_Today was a perfectly good waste of makeup."_

_-a keychain_

Okay people, lets get right to the insanity! After I give a humongous thank you to all of my lovely reviewers! Be forewarned for this chapter, Shri-san doesn't like Gym Class that much…

Mokuba's Official Glomper

Aw…THAT'S SO SWEET! It makes me really happy, both with the forum, and the nice words. Have you started any fics yet? Never mind, I'll look on your bio…

Anyway, hip hip hooray! Chapter Seven! AND YES, YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY! BWA HA HA HA! Oh, the horrors that are to ensure! Yes, Asuka is the Seto-look-alike, and so is Shou the cute little kid with blue hair who is only three inches tall.

CONGRATS FOR BEING THE FIRST REVIEWER! You're prize is…I don't know, nice air? THANK YOU! Hope you enjoy our most favorite, friendship-obsessed Seto-look-alike yet!

Bilbo-sama

Hey, I love them already! Yes, Chronos/Crowler is quite cool, and he never ceases to amuse me. My little brother really likes him too, calling him 'Girly Man', a title that usually belongs to Alister.

And the future ones sound great! Something tells me that I'm really going to like Zane. He's like Seto 2.0. I can still see him wearing a trench coat (he's practically wearing one already…). RUN! FAN GIRL IN THE MAKING!

Uh, anyway, nope, not first this time, but close, really close, I think. Oh, by the way, Chumly's Dad makes beer or something instead of hot sauce, right? Who ever heard of duel monster's getting all drunk and dizzy from hot sauce?

ANYWAY! Thanks as always for touching in again! Hope TRIFOD updates soon! Enjoy the chapter!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Saz, and Yami

You still haven't gotten around to stealing Jesse McCartny's soul? I have…

Okay, anyway, I actually went through .hack one at Borders, and it really did look okay. I like drawing creepy fantasy stuff, so I guess that's why. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR LETTING ME PRINT LEO'S UBBER COOL LETTERS!

Aw…I missed Shonen-Ai day too. Poor Bob, he must be so disappointed…and good news! I think the Goth Girl will pop up again sometime in the story. She's just way too cool of a character to throw away.

I constantly try to sing along to the Japanese theme song of Yu-Gi-Oh (the only one I have is the 'Noah's Arch' saga. It fun) and I always fail miserably. I can do 'OH, OH, OH' 'I ride white' and 'So-oul' (which are all in English), but that's pretty much all that I know by heart.

BAKA MANGA MARKET! They just want to be mean to Australians! No wonder Valon turned into what he is today…

ALRIGHT! Thanks for the review guys! ENJOY THE INSANITY!

An Angel In Tears (Formally known as Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler)

Yeah, YB's Mother has been working overtime lately, what with her son trying to take over the world and all. Sorry, no more Howl jokes, I promise…

Everyone claims that Yugi just uses a lot of hair gel in his hair, so I was like 'hm…what would be something funnier?', and concrete popped up. Stainless steal was a close second.

WATCH OUT FOR PURSUADERS! Thank you for the fun-o-matic review! I hope you like this chapter too!

Peter Kim

Maybe there might be a way to squeeze Noah into the story, but Anubis and Gozi might be a bit of a push. I'm having my hands full with all the others already. But I'll see what I can do.

Hope you like this chapter! And thanks for reviewing for the first time! Hope you keep reading!

Anmarie Miriel

Shou and proper English, they really don't go well together.

Double S himself can be a scary person, but I'm sure that would only add to the horror.

If you thought that a homicidal librarian was funny, just wait until you meed Dr. Crumpy MD (a couple chapters down the road).

I'm glad you noticed that. The 'Red Dog' concept, just like 'Bunny Bashers', is something that somehow finds its way into many of my fics. I'm glad you liked the YB/Marik fight too.

THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW! HOPE YOU LIKE THE UPCOMING CHAPPIE!

Kiwigirl89

It actually makes me kind of happy to see people watching Yu-Gi-Oh GX. It makes it a lot easier to connect with the characters that way. SHOU IS ADDORIBLE! And so is Zane. STILL! And actually, you're idea inspired me to bring in Dr. Crowler! So now…HE'S COMING! Thank you for the neat idea!

Thank you for the review again! I'm glad you keep coming back for more!

ShadowFire2

YES SHADOWFIRE! YOU'RE FAVORITE CHARACTER IS BACK! BWA HA HA HA HA HA-

I actually did cackle evilly to myself when I read your review O.o it even creeped me out…

You know, I think that would be a fun idea if the two got together. It has potential, it really does…

Wow, boy do I wish I was in class that day. Cosplaying historical figures may be much more random and fun than meets the eye. But then again, with all the creepy stuff in history, I can see things getting out of control.

BEHOLD! AN UPDATE! Thank you for the review and…try to put up with you know who.

Lefthandedfreak, Josh the Figment Man, and Danny the Dolphin, and the Pegasus Plushie

HI AGAIN GAN!

Ah, running over pedestrians. I'm saving that for driving class! Remember The Driver's Education Fic of SCAR33 D00M? Well…on the road, I would probably resemble Joey the most.

NOT THE POPSICLE STICKS!

I think the curse exists too. And as for the nuns…I wouldn't do much better. I would probably make Mom retell the horror story of how one of the nuns threw a kid down the stairs when she was in Catholic School…

OH WELL! There's a special spot on cloud nine for fan fiction writers, I'm sure of it! Especially the random kind…ANYWAY! Thank you as ever for the kind, thoughtful, yet tastefully insane review! APRICOTS! Enjoy!

LeDiva

Oh my poor little Ryo, why must he suffer? (hugs Ryo Plushie)

ANYWAY! I'm glad you liked all the stuff in the story! As long as there are homicidal librarians, as long as there are kids with odd hairdos, and as long as there are people who wonder just what happens when you cross two shiny gold things, Shri-san will be there!

"Write like the wind". I JUST LOVE THAT LINE! Thank you as always LeDiva!

Gothangelmyu

YOU'RE RIGHT! Congrats Gothangelmyu!

I always wonder what Yu-Gi-Oh character's moms are like. It's just a cool thing to wonder.

I'm sure we've all had a point in our lives when we have to stand in front of a room with all of our classmates and…have absolutely no clue what to say. And true, even fictional characters make us feel better when we can relate to them.

Thankies for reviewing! ENJOY THE CHAPPIE GOTHANGELMYU!

LoneFlyinTigers

They tend to take all the cool parts out of the Anime for reasons I have yet to understand.

I'm glad people are feeling sorry for Odion. I feel sorry for the poor guy too. I mean, I don't think many people could put up with Marik for incredibly long periods of time…

I'm sure if snapped off and hurled really fast, Yugi's hair could be used as a lethal weapon. And that goes double for Tristans.

Okay, thanks for reviewing again LFT! It's great to hear from you! ENJOY!

Pointe Master

The virus that blows up computers and it's purpose shall be revealed! And poor YB indeed, though I do not envy his mom one little bit.

Thanks again Point Master! HENJOY!

Chapter Seven

**WELCOME TO GYM CLASS, MAY WE VIOLENTLY SLAUTHGETER YOU?**

_In which we discover a kinky vacuum cleaner thing._

"WHAT KIND OF RA FORSAKEN HOLE IS THIS?" asked Marik in disgust, standing outside of a huge, stony, freezing cold gymnasium.

"This is physical education Marik," said Odion. "This is where the state combats childhood obesity by making kids destroy each other's emotional health."

"SWEET!" yelled Marik. "Can I destroy someone's emotional health Odion?"

"How else do you expect to pass?" asked Odion. "Now we'll just head off to the changing room-"

"CHANGING ROOM?" asked Marik in horror. "You mean we have to strip! IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE?"

"Well, they have bathroom stalls if you're paranoid…" said Odion.

"That's sick! I LOVE IT!" yelled Marik. "Odion, I think this is going to be the best class I've ever been in!"

"Be careful what you say Marik," said Odion. "Remember two weeks ago when you got that really bad cut on your elbow?"

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"WOW! YOU SAY THAT MY ARM ACTUALLY FOAMS WHEN YOU PUT IT ON, AND IT'S ACTUALLY ALL THE GERMS THAT I GET TO SEE DIE?" Marik asked excitedly while he and Odion sat in the bathroom.

"Yes…" said Odion, pulling out a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the medicine cabinet.

"SWEET!" Marik cried excitedly, rolling up his sleeve over the bathtub, revealing a cut he got from falling off his motorcycle while trying to ride it up a garbage truck, causing it to explode (both the garbage truck and the motorcycle). "POUR IT ON! POUR IT ON!"

_Back to Reality Effects_

"Looking back, I think I would have preferred the infection…" said Marik.

"Whatever, just get changed, and try not to get laughed at," said Odion.

---ooo---

"No…" the teacher gasped in horror, trying to get himself as far away from this creature as he could. "You can't…YOU CAN'T BE REAL!"

"HOORAY! A new best friend!" cried the evil one. Yes…something this insane, this random, and this silly can only be…SETA! MUA HA HA!

For those lucky souls who have never laid eyes on this horror, pray that it stays that way. How does one describe Seta? Well, Seta is, in the most broad, basic terms, a physical manifestation of Seto's feminine side…we think. That means that while she's tall, thin, and has blue eyes (that are really big) and brown hair with a super awesome hair point, not to mention it's even at the same length as Seto's, Seta wears a midriff baring strapped shirt with a turquoise stripe at the bottom, a short, pleated, creamy pink skirt, and pink boots that go up to her thighs, as well as toting some sort of small but dangerous weapon, usually a revolver, in her 'Hello Kitty' holster.

As for her personality…Seta has been described as 'clincally insane, has a bigger 'friendship' problem than the English dubbed Tea, and is prone to stabbing people and having no recollection of it'. Evil, no?

"Will you be my friend?" asked Seta sweetly.

"NO! STAY BACK DEAMON! STAY BAAAAAAAAAACK!" screamed the teacher.

"I'm Seta!" said Seta happily. "I like bunnies, walks in the park, drawing unicorns, and various Animes!"

"I SAID DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" yelled the teacher, pulling out a cross from his desk, holding it out in front of him to try to ward her off. "ADVANCE AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

"Can I hug you?" Seta asked.

That did it. The teacher screamed at the top of his lungs, and dove through a window that somehow remained unbroken from chapter six, and fell down three stories to the hard concrete ground.

"Aw man! He jumped out the window like all the others!" said Seta sadly. "Now who's going to be my new best friend?"

A couple tears welled up in her eyes.

"OH WELL!" she said, skipping off. "I'll just go find new best friends somewhere else!"

With that, she happily skipped out of the room. Ladies and gentlemen…the ultimate evil…

---ooo---

This was not a good day for Seto. So far, he'd fallen in love with a crazy red haired girl who's name he didn't know, he got beaten up by his own experiment in artificial intelligence, he was in so much pain he couldn't properly laugh at Joey's pathetic oral report, in the mad rush to get out of Global History, he had lost the robot who had just beaten him up, and this was only the end of first period. What the heck was he going to do?

Seto just slowly walked down the halls, feeling very dejected, not to mention wishing beyond all human power that it wasn't Gym Class today. As if this whole scene wasn't as terribly melodramatic enough, Bianca was now bouncing down the hallway in search or a laptop computer. And as fate would have it, not only was Seto the only nerd in the hallay, but he was also the only person who was carrying a laptop in that hallway as well.

"EXCUSE ME!" she said in her usual way-to-enthusiastic voice, grabbing a poor, innocent bystander of a student and slamming him face first into a wall of locker rooms at eighty seven miles per hour, and bounced over to Seto. "Can I borrow your laptop pleasy weasy?"

Seto really could have said many things right now. Like 'hello' or 'sure' or 'certainly, maybe I'll see you again at lunch' or even 'my god you've turned me into a raving fool please go out with me or I will probably find the closest really tall building, climb to the top, and jump'. But anything, and I mean anything, could have been better than-

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh…um, eh, well…uh…heh, um…

There was a really awkward silence for a second.

"I AAAAAM SOOOOOOOOOOREEEE, I DO NOOOT SPEAK KOREAAAAAAN!" said Bianca in a very loud, and slow voice. "I'M JUST GO-ING TO TAAAAAKE YOUR LAP-TOOOP AND GIIIIVE IT BACK LAAAATEEEER!"

With that, Bianca just snatched the laptop case that Seto always carried around, and bounced down the hallway back to the library. Seto then just stood there silently, watching until she disappeared as she turned a corner, took a deep breath, and-

"I HATE MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!" he screamed to the heavens.

---ooo---

"You know…this really isn't what I'd expect a place of information of resurrections of evil to look like," said Double S, as our two cuddly heroes found themselves in front of a pink door with hand drawn pictures of kitties tapped all over it that look like they were made by a band of first graders.

"It's probably for cloaking reasons," said ASV.

"It still kind of stands out in itself though, doesn't it?" asked Double S, because not many other rooms were covered in hand drawn pictures of kitties on a pink door.

"That being said, if it gives us the information we need, we need to take the-" ASV started.

"WHAT IF IT'S A CLEVER DISGUISE FOR SOME OTHER HIDEOUS BEAST WHO'LL LEAP OUT AND KILL US IN A VIOLENT, BLOODY SLAUGHTER?" cried Double S in fright.

"You really do have issues, don't you?" asked ASV.

"MAYBE!" said Double S.

"Nothings going to jump out at us!" said ASV, pulling open the door. "Don't be redi-"

Unfortunately, he was very, very wrong. For the second he opened the door 2.78 centimeters, three men dressed up in khaki white pants, red and yellow stripped t-shirts, and white top hats jumped out right in front of them, and with a huge 'BUM BUM BUM BUM' in the background, a happy tune played in the background, and the three men began to sing.

_HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY  
__WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE TIME!  
__WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"MEDIC!" cried Double S, who had fallen backwards on the ground with shock, and was now going through an odd combination of unpleasant surprise and cardiac arrest.

"Uh…" said ASV, who was not exactly completely recovered from the shock of having three random men jump out at a closet and sing at you. "Uh…I'm…"

"ARE YOU HAPPY?" the three weird men asked simultaneously.

"Uh, well now that you mention it, after having being shocked so bad that a whole year of my life expectancy just fluttered out the window and nearly having my eardrums explode by having some trio of random people singing in my face…no…" said ASV.

_HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY,  
__WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE TIME!  
__WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"Yes, yes, yes, all of that," said ASV, becoming quite annoyed by these clearly afflicted persons of the crippling social disease which can only be called…motivational tenor singing.

"Please don't make them sing again…" said Double S, struggling to his feet.

"Look, we not here to be motivated," said ASV, as Double S quickly scampered behind him, fearing what these random and incoherent singers could do, which could be a lot of nasty things now that you look at it. "We want some information on the whereabouts of a supreme and ultimate evil said to resurrect…"

_INFO, INFORMATION,  
__WE BLABBER ALL THE TIME!  
__WE LIKE TO SNITCH ON PEOPLE!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"Look, you really need to stop that!" said ASV.

_STOPING STOPING STOPING,  
__WE STOP STUFF ALL THE TIME!  
__NOW WHAT IS A GOOD SENTENCE?  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"This really is pointless, isn't it?" asked Double S.

_POINTLESS, POINTLESS, POINTLESS  
__THERE'S NO PURPOSE AT ALL!  
__WE'RE ALL JUST DUST IN THE WIND!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"That wasn't motivational!" said Double S.

"You try making your own **BEEP**ing stanzas you little brat!" said the singers in a simultaneous and cheerful voice.

"THAT WASN'T EITHER!" Double S said, with tears in his eyes, while ASV just sighed ad wondered what it would be like if he just said no to conscience training school.

"Never mind, let's just go," said ASV, dragging a sobbing Double S along with him. Unfortunately, the happy chorus followed them at an even pace, walking in unison, all with extremely sickening smiles on their faces.

"Why are you following us?" ASV asked in a hallow tone.

"WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE HAPPY!" said the chorus simultaneously again.

"I'd be really happy if you left us alone," said ASV.

"WE CAN'T BE TOO SURE!" they said again.

"Do you people have the ability to read each other's minds or something?" asked Double S.

"WHAT MINDS?" asked the chorus.

"Ah, that explains it," said ASV.

_HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY,  
__WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE TIME!  
__Etcetera, etcetera…_

"Maybe we can get Shou or Mobster to blow them up or something…" said ASV.

---ooo---

"ALRIGHT YOU WHIMPY GIRLY MEN!" yelled the Gym Teacher, who really brings out the meaning of the proverb 'If you can't, teach'. He was a bit overweight, claiming that it was well developed abdominal muscles (no one believed him), a huge chin, dark, mean little eyes, and a little silver whistle that was hanging from his neck. "TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO BE PLAYING…HOMICIDAL DODGE BALL EXTREME! And none of this pansy boy 'protective equipment' crap! YOU BOYS ARE GOING TO BE BUILDING SOME CHARACTER! GOT THAT! If you bruise…you FAIL! If you get hit, you SHALL BE BEATEN UP BY SOMEONE OF MY CHOOSING, THEN FAIL! If you cry, then you shall be BEATEN UP BY SOMEONE OF MY CHOOSING, PUBLICLY EXECUTED , THEN FAIL! Do you hear me?"

"Yes sir…" everyone in the gym room said in a monotone.

"GOOD!" said the Gym Teacher. "And I have taken the liberty of replacing these sissy 'European Hand Balls' with some good, solid SHOTPUT BALLS!

Everyone groaned.

"SHUT UP!" said the teacher. "Before we start the massacre, I would like welcome back personally an old student of mine, and a bloody good one at that…LITTLE BOBBY BILL!"

Suddenly, there was a horrific, stomping sound from the hallway, getting even more louder as it approached the gym, and then, a huge, muscular man in a black muscle shirt, camo pants, huge, Extra-Painful-when-stepped-on-your-feet Doc Martins, a shaved head covered in a black bandana, exactly twenty one body piercings (three on the left ear, two on the nose, four on the right ear, six on the lip, two on the left eybrow, and four more in spots that are far more unpleasant to describe), and a really mean, snarl looking frown.

Everyone gasped and chattered in horror.

"What's the matter? He's just a street punk," said Marik.

"You don't understand Egyptian Person!" said Yugi. "He's the most violent and dangerous person to ever be in a physical education class! Everyone's afraid of Little Bobby Bill! Even Kaiba!"

"No I'm not," Seto said, but that's when he was grabbed by the throat by Little Bobby Bill and thrown at the concrete beam in the doorway at seventy miles per hour, creating a huge indent in the beam.

"Yes…I am…" he managed to mutter.

"Oh dear," said Marik in horror.

"AND ALSO, I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE THREE NEW STUDENTS IN THIS CLASS!" said the gym teacher. "PLEASE BEAT ESPECIALLY HARD TODAY…VALON, RAPHAEL, AND ALICE!"

"ALISTER!" yelled Alister angrily, as all the Doom Bikers walked into the room wearing gym uniforms. It only took a few minutes for all the horrors of Gym Class to successfully unfold…

---ooo---

"NII-SAAAAAN!" yelled Azusa, tearing out a huge water fountain from the floor, causing the water pipe to break and spurt water all over the place. "WHERE ARE YOU NII-SAN? I…I can't find you anywhere…"

You see, even though Azusa is an experiment in artificial intelligence, she has to have a very loose, bottom line programming to gain information from the outside world and then use it to her core modules individual preferences. However, since that usually takes a long time, the loose programming also serves double purpose to try to give her a basic idea of how to act while she learns. And one of them is to stick closely by a trusted 'friend's' side (i.e. Seto) for both safety and practical purposes (except when she's ignored, in that case, she would proceed to beat said friend up). Cool huh?

"Nii-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…" sobbed the poor little robot, sinking to the ground. "Where are you? You could be sad or hurt or lonely (_A/N _Clearly, she doesn't know Seto that well). What am I going to do? I don't know who to turn to…"

"Yay! A potential best friend!" said Seta, nimbly bounding down the hallway to our robotic friend's side, and we can slowly see the story line begin to write itself. "Hi! My name's Seta! Will you be my friend please?"

And now, the irony of the fact that Azusa has discovered a friend that looks just like her previous friend begins to kick in, not to mention has only one letter off from her previous friend's name.

"Okay…" she said, as she was helped to her feet by the deranged Seto look-alike.

"YAY! THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!" said Seta. "So why were you crying?"

"Well, I'm an experiment in artificial intelligence, and I have to stay by the side of a trusted friend at all times, and one of them was my Nii-san, but then he ignored me, and now I have this huge gape in my memory…but anyway, he's gone!" explained Azusa.

"What does he look like?" asked Seta cheerfully.

"You…actually…" said Azusa.

"YAY! A BRAND NEW FRIEND!" said Seta happily. "LET'SGOFINDHIMLET'SGOFINDHIMLET'SGOFINDHIMLET'S-"

"OKAY!" said Azusa, as the two happily skipped down the halls to find Seto.

---ooo---

"HEY TISH! I GOT THE LAPTOP!" yelled Bianca at the top of her lungs as she ran excitedly into the library, carrying Seto's stolen laptop, right past the librarian, who was trying to knock herself out with sleeping pills in a last, desperate attempt not to hack of the head of a girl who was cracking her gum.

"Good job Bee," said Tish, who was promptly examining the remains of the computer that exploded only minutes ago. "Where'd you get it from?"

"Some weird Korean Kid with pretty eyes, no body fat, and a weird hairdo," said Bianca.

"Ah, I see," said Tish, taking the laptop out of Bianca's hands, as she continued to bounce around, ranting about fruit. Tish sniffed in disgust at the sight of Seto's 'Cardcaptor's Sakura' desktop, and hooked a few cables into the now available power outlets and phone jacks the previous computer was hooked into, as well as a couple in a neighboring computer. She began typing earnestly into it.

"Hey Tish, did anyone come earlier to try to get on the computer?" asked Bianca.

"A couple of girly men, actually," said Tish. "But I shoed them away. They're probably steeling a laptop as we speak. Said something about 'the time has come' and 'I shall claim my rightful place in the family at last' and 'can I borrow your hair curlers' and whatnot."

"I LIKE PIE!" said Bianca.

---ooo---

"Okay Zigfried, this is it!" said Dartz, as they were both plopped down in the hallway, eagerly typing stuff into a laptop they stole from some nerd that was wandering around.

"Ah yez," said Zigfried. "I truzt we are going to play my favorite game?"

"Internet Candyland?" asked Dartz, as they both sat in front of the screen of the online site with 'CANDYLAND' in huge, pink letters. "Of course. But I must warn you, I have been training forever high upon a cloud laden mountain, where the winds do rip across the good earth, and the ants do pick up yummy crumbs that sometimes drop as I skip through the fields wearing nothing but a tutu and-"

"Jah, jah, whatever," said Ziggy, waving his empty threats away. "I hope you know that I train day and night at this game, honing my skills while curling my hair and dying it this ridiculously artificial shade of pink-"

"JUST START ALREADY!" said Dartz, pointing angrily at the screen.

"Vatevah," said Zigfried, clicking go, and automatically, a Dartz and Zigfried Chibi appeared on the screen on the go space, and a cute little voice from the computer said 'IT'S ZIGFRIED'S TURN!"

"Right," said Zigfried, drawing a card that had two purple on it. With that, the Zigfried Chibi hopped all the way to that particular square. "You're turn Dartzy…"

---ooo---

"The evil one's just resurrected, I can feel it," said Asuka, gripping her head in terror as Shou and Mobster both looked at her. "This is very much not a good thing…"

"How do you know for sure?" asked Mobster.

"I can sense it…" said Asuka chillingly. "Shou, fetch me…my Executioner's Axe."

"You're what?" asked Shou, a bemused tone in his voice.

"My Executioner's Axe!" said Asuka. "You know, the most dangerous weapon that our team has ever created, with the destructive capability of a thousand nuclear bombs in a single, hand-held unit?"

"Oh, the kinky vacuum cleaner thing?" asked Shou. "OH YEAH! I…uh…"

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"Man, am I starving!" said Shou, sitting at the corner of a street, carrying a weapon of destruction that looked oddly like a portable 'Dirt Devil' vacuum cleaner with the nozzle attached to the suction end of it. "I would do anything for a candy bar right now!"

"Dude, I'll trade you this Sniker's Bar for your vacuum cleaner," said some overweight fifteen-year-old boy with a baseball cap, who was holding a Snicker's candy bar.

"SWEET!" said Shou, handing it over, and snatching the chocolate bar out of his hands.

_Back to Reality Effects_

"…lost it?" said Shou, last weeks headline 'House Explodes, Reason Still Unclear' making perfect sense.

"Well you better find it Shou," said Asuka in a critical tone. "You know what happens to any operatives who let one of HQ's Class-A Restricted Weapons slip into the wrong hands of the untrained…"

"Given a slap on the rear, told not to be naughty, but otherwise let off?" said Shou hopefully.

"Immediate expulsion…and death," said Asuka.

Awkward silence.

"SCUSE ME!" said Shou, grabbing Mobster by the back of the collar and dragging her rather quickly around a corner out of Asuka's hearing range, slamming her against the wall, and started to scream gabbly gook incoherently like a moron.

"MAVLADKADIERWRARAUDOODADWRA-" he babbled senselessly, making wild hand gestures, hopping around, and then eventually looking rather drained, panting in horror at everything he just said…if you could call it that.

Mobster stood pensively for a bit, trying to absorb all the random babble.

"You say you lied to Asuka about losing a highly dangerous, relatively untested weapon that was an ultimate privilege to receive and sold it away to some random teenager for a candy bar, causing you to stare down the face of sure expulsion slash death?" Mobster reflected.

"Uh…huh…" Shou managed to gasp.

"SWEET! Is there any left?" asked Mobster.

"MOBSTER!" Shou half screamed, half begged.

"Okay, okay, I'll help," said Mobster. "So what did this executioner whatsit look like?"

"A kinky vacuum cleaner thing," said Shou.

"What a stroke of luck!" said Mobster, pulling out a mini Dirt Devil Vacuum. "Ever since I nearly got slaughtered by a man eating heard of dust bunnies, I always carry a portable vacuum cleaner around to make sure their filthy hides ever brush against my skin again!"

"And I thought I was nuts!" Shou said sweetly, pulling out a black sharpie and crossing out 'Dirt Devil', quickly squeaking in 'Ezcatushunor's Ex'.

---ooo---

Fun with awful spelling!

Okay, I don't own Dirt Devils or Candyland. Honestly. Really. Not kidding.

**IMPORTANT ANOUNCEMENT: **And another thing. After this I plan to do another fic staring the four loonies from 'The Wizard of Cuz'. I've narrowed it down to either a Harry Potter Parody or a Kindergarten fic. Yes, I know both are hideously overplayed, BUT STILL! PICK YOUR POISON PEOPLE! Tell me whatcha want in your next review or something ASAP!

Next time, see what happens when two Seto look-alikes collide, an all out dodgeball war is fueled, and a visit from Uncle Maxie! OH THE HORRORS!

See you next time!


	8. You're a Sad Little Man, and Ra Hates Yo

And now…

I received a lot of ideas on whether or not I should do a kindergarten fic or a Harry Potter parody, and I have decided...nothing. Lots of people wanted one, but lots of people wanted the other. What if I did both at the same time? It would work like this. Every week, I would update a chapter on one of the stories, and another one of the other. Just a suggestion. Good? Bad? Input please?

OKAY! NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS!

Biblo-sama

WOOT! SAKI!

Er…ANYWAY! Moving on! And what's with Drunken Angel being called a guy? What are those people thinking? If that is a guy, then it's the scariest male monster known to man. And (unfortunately) Fubuki is scheduled to skip into latter chapters (RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!).

YAY! I love girly men! I'll certainly look into your suggestions! And everyone loves the Ezcatushunor's Ex! And I'm really starting to like Pharaoh the cat! And his insane owner…

NOT THE SPAM! ANYTHING BUT THE SPAM! Here's that chapter you wanted! Enjoy!

Pointe Master

I thought so! You're one of the brilliant people who did figure it out! Congrats! WOOT!

Thank you for the review! Enjoy the next chapter!

LoneFlyinTigers

NOT THE FLOWERS! ANYTHING BUT THE FLOWERS!

The Executioner's Axe was designed to look like a kinky vacuum cleaner thing because that way, it would look like you were just an insane person carrying around a vacuum cleaner instead of an insane person carrying around a dangerous weapon. And also because I have a mini-vacuum cleaner that I refer to as the 'Executioner's Axe' because I felt like it. And because Asuka's crime fighting division is sponsored by a vacuum cleaner company…

I'm glad people are starting to like the other characters…and the happy songs. Both would drive me crazy.

ANYWAY! Thank you for the review as always, and my cool greeting of the week! I hope you like this chapter yo!

LeDiva

Seta. Her existence is the number one cause of atheism.

Anyway, it will be scary when the two run into each other. And anyone who's enthusiastic about Gym Class is either insane or an over muscular, sadistic kid with multiple body piercings.

Thank you for continuing to review! YAY! Enjoy this chappie!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

You're too good to me X).

I hope that one day Seta will become the most legendary OC on FF dot net. That would be a good competition for FF dot net. THE OC AWARDS!

Anyway, SHOU IS CUTE! And even though his older brother occasionally creeps me out…he's kinda cute too (reminds me of Seto somehow…)

Poor ASV, he has to deal with a lot…

OH! And guess what! Three out of the four things that you wanted happen in this chapter! WOOT! Hope you like it MOG, because I don't know what I'd do without your witty dialect about Marik! ENJOY THE CHAPPIE!

Gothangelmyu

I could write fic after fic exposing the horrors of PE. I'm doing volleyball, and my serve is absolutely terrible. I keep getting 'Good job's and 'good try's and all I want to say is 'SHUT UP!'.

The happy chorus is a combination of me and my little brother trying to think up the most annoyingly silly speaking pattern in the world. We found it.

You know, your ideas are good! I like them! I think I'd like to see a Harry Potter Fic out of you!

I'd probably do something a little less sane, like Seto trying to use magic to find the dimension of smart people when he finally loses his patience dealing with his insane roomies, so the gang looks for a new Seto, and at the last minute hires Ron. Or the time when Joey discovers a terrible dark power of naughtiness when digging through the couch for quarters one day. And of course, from a horrible twist of fate, Ryo is forced to marry the queen of the merepeople. And the horror of Mr. Mop. Or some other crazy scheme like that.

THANK YOU AS ALWAYS FOR THE REVIEWS! AND THE IDEAS! ENJOY!

Amarie Miriel

Maybe it was hydrogen peroxide. You see, one of my un-fond memories of childhood was when I got scratched on the swing set really bad, and I actually got a piece of gravel stuck in my skin, and after mom dug it out, she pulled out this huge brown bottle of liquid, and I thought 'hm…I wonder what that is?'.

Marik's comment 'Looking back, I would have preferred the infection' mirrors both my Dad and My opinion of any antiseptically fluid.

The song thing is both cool…and odd…

I love it when people pitch in good ideas for stories. If anything else, it helps me think of good ideas. For instance, If I had a Kindergarten fic, I would have a time when Joey falls in love with Mai, who's a fourth grader, a time before Seto has a little brother, so when his mom gets pregnant, his palls try to figure out what happen, and of course, the whole stupid 'cootie' thing boys and girls in elementary school go through.

Thank you for the review Amarie Miriel, and for the ideas! ENJOY THE CHAPPIE!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Saz, Yugi, Michelle, Yami, and Prancer

IN WHICH SHRI BECOMES AN INSANE RESPONDER PERSON

WOOT! For some reason, I like the idea of Seto on a pogo stick. And Marik's motorbike (it really does explode a lot).

GAH! EVIL HIKARIS! NOW I'VE GOT WILD DRIVE STUCK IN MY HEAD TOO! (pulls out walkman and listens to Rolling Stones 'Get off of My Cloud' on volume 10,000) Must…blast…it…out…

NOT THE CHEESE SWORD! It's great to hear from you guys as usual! Figures, you must spend hours on these reviews, and my answers are wussy…oh well, ENJOY THE CHAPPIE!

An Angel in Tears

If I had a wicked cool robot like that, I would be a very happy person. Azusa reminds me a lot of Ping from 'Megatokyo', and a little bit of Chi from 'Chobits'. And a little bit of some other whacky robots that like to pop up in Manga.

Anyway, Kingball sounds very interesting, even though if I am bad at volleyball, and not jump-for-joy good at dodgeball, imagine how bad I would be at that. I can imagen kids being hurtled over a net though…

I imagined I was a lot of things when I was seven. But that was just me. Now sometimes I imagine I'm a six foot tall super hero who can zap people with her eyeballs…or something like that.

THANKS FOR THE REVIEW! I hope you love the chappie!

ShadowFire2

Thank you! You realize that it would be a very twisted and warped version of Shri's idea of a Harry Potter book though.

The fact that you know a kid who fits the description of Little Bobby Bill makes me seriously wonder how far downhill society has gone.

Anyway, thanks for the review again! UPDATE YGO AND THE HOLY GRAIL SOON! Enjoy the chappie!

Kiwigirl89

Thank you, you're welcome, and YES HE IS!

Thank you for reviewing again! Please enjoy the insanity!

Chapter Eight

**YOU'RE A SAD LITTLE MAN, AND RA HATES YOU**

_In which Dartz has yet another reason to maim himself._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK!

"MY ARM!"

"I'M BLEEDING!"

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

These were just a few of the many disturbing sounds you could hear coming from the gymnasium as the game of Homicidal Dodgeball Extreme continued (despite that it is now considered illegal in twenty nine states, four providences, and most of England). It was a disgusting scene to watch, partially because everyone wanted to hurt someone, and partially because no one wanted to get hurt.

Let's give a brief recap of what was going on so far. So far nine kids had already received massive back trauma, one presumed dead, but miraculously started breathing again. The major conflicts were between the two Doom Bikers, who had gotten put on the opposite team as the people they really want to beat the snot out of, and of course, the three people. Yugi was really in for it, because Raffy had won bronze in the 1996 Athens Olympic Game for Italy (he doesn't like people to know he's Italian), silver in weightlifting, and cubic zirconium in spontaneous insulting. It also didn't help that Marik was also on the opposite team, and was trying to beat the snot out of him.

Next came Valon, who was also on the opposite team, and was throwing the shot-put balls at very high speeds towards Joey, often hitting their mark, and of course, Joey was very happy to oblige them. However, since they were both incredibly brainless, their biological makeup allows them to sustain massive amounts of damage. Why? I blame cartoons.

Last, and perhaps the most unique one yet was the fact that Seto and Alister were on the same team, so in fact he was randomly pummeling Seto with them when his back was turned, and often missing, due to the fact that hurting him was trying to hurt a string suspened in mid air. However, since he was not stupid, he caught on to Alister's game pretty quick.

"For the last time, stop throwing those at me you idiot!" screamed Seto. "I'M ON YOUR TEAM!"

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were on the other team," said Alister innocently. "Besides, I need to KEEL YOU!"

"Listen stupid," said Seto. "Trying to beat the snot out of each other is not the way to solve disputes. Unless of course you're at war or on opposite teams."

"Then in that case, we shall have A DUEL TO THE DEATH!" said Alister.

"Pleasure," said Seto, pulling out his deck.

"No, no, no, no, NO!" said Alister. "I mean with guns!"

"Oh…I see…" said Seto.

---ooo---

"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN ODION!" said Marik, who was pummeling everyone in sight with shot put balls, even people who were on his team. "I FEEL SO ALIVE!"

"Just remember karma Marik," said Odion. "What goes around comes around, and I have a feeling that when this comes around, it's going to come around very hard…"

"Hey, you seem to really be taking it out on that Yugi kid," said Raphael to Marik, who was throwing another ball at Yugi, who actually needed Tea to fend them off for him.

"YOU BET! IT'S A BLAST!" said Marik enthusiastically.

"Only I can beat up Yugi," said Raffy dangerously. "I don't know why, but the fact that I don't have my pills is affecting my mental clarity. Meet me after the bell rings…and we'll see just who has the right to smack Yugi down…"

With that, Raffy got hit by a shot put ball, and began to beat the snot out of the poor, innocent kid who did it.

"Odion…why did that just happen?" asked Marik.

"Because you are a sad little man, and Ra hates you," said Odion.

"DARN IT!" said Marik, throwing down his shot put ball in frustration, as another one zoomed over his head. "It's the same thing every time! We have a pathetic back and forth dialog for the start of a chapter, and we're virtually forgotten for the rest of it!"

"What?" asked Odion.

"Odion, I never wanted to be the Tomb Keeper of the Ancient Pharaoh," said Marik. "I wanted to be…A LUMBERJACK!"

"Please switch the scene now…" Odion begged the author.

---ooo---

"Okay, Shou and an insane little girl have just disappeared behind a corner and have not come back for nearly ten minutes immediately after I mentioned that something bad will happen if Shou screwed this up," said Asuka to herself. "I can thereby assume that a pathetic cover up is marching with ill-deserved confidence into the story line."

"Okay Asuka, we have your Executioner's Axe," said Shou, dragging in the Dirt Devil Vacuum Cleaner with 'Ezcatushunor's Ex' scribbled on it, both he and Mobster smiling in a rather pleading manor.

"Shou, that's not the Executioner's Axe…" said Asuka.

Both Shou and Mobster looked at loss for words.

"Yes it is," said Mobster.

"Shou…" said Asuka.

"Okay, how do you spell 'Executioner'?" asked Shou, pulling out the marker.

"Shou…" said Asuka in an angry tone.

"OH MY GOD, WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!" screamed Mobster.

"Nice save, but a little late to be convincing," said Asuka. "Shou, what did you do?"

"WE'VE BEEN ROBBED?" Shou cried.

"I said it wasn't going to work," said Asuka. "Shou…what happened to the Executioner's Axe?"

"Um…um…" said Shou.

"Aliens?" Mobster tried.

"The Russians?" asked.

"Martians?" Mobster tried.

"That's the same thing as aliens," said Shou.

"PANKAKE PEOPLE?" Mobster cried.

"The British?" asked Shou.

"TAKE THAT BACK!" yelled Mobster.

"Look, unless you both be quiet in ten seconds, I am going to oblige my left hand's nagging urge to come in sharp contact with the back of Shou's head, and my right hand's urge to do the same to Mobster's," said Asuka in a dangerous tone.

Both of them automatically shut up.

"Where is it? I want an honest answer _right now_," said Asuka.

"Okay, here's the truth, and don't get mad…or anything but…" said Shou awkwardly.

Just then, fate had drawn a card in Shou's favor; a tile in the roof only ten feet away from the group completely snapped free, and crashing to the ground right on her stomach…was Seta.

"I told you he wouldn't be in the ceiling Seta-san!" said Azusa, who peeked down through the roof. "Are you okay?"

"NOPE! I'm just in pain!" said Seta.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled Asuka. "IT'S THE EVIL!"

"EAT PLASMA SCUM!" said Shou, switching the vacuum to on, managing to suck up a few balls of dust, but doing nothing terrible to Seta, who got up with a bounce, and with one leap, gave Shou a huge hug.

"WhatIwantedtotellyouisthatitdoesn'twork?" Shou tried in a really quick voice between Seta's arms.

"YOU COWARD!" said Asuka. "TIME TO DIE!"

With that, she lept up in the air, and was dive bombing down right toward Seta, ready to ram a Doc Marten (she always wore Doc Martens when it came to pummeling the snot out of people) up her ignoble face. However, as we all know, life would be a much funner phenomenon to be a part of if things were that easy.

"NEW BEST FRIEND!" said Seta, grabbing her by the ankle just as her boot was about to hit her face, and with one swing, used all of the force Asuka was about to use to destroy her face to swing her around, and the letting go, causing Seta to be thrown out of a window about three feet from the would-be impact, which unfortunately was on the second story.

"Whoa…girl's got moves," said Mobster.

"Friends?" asked Seta cheerfully, turning her huge, psychotically cute blue eyes at Mobster and Shou.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Mobster and Shou at the top of their lungs, running full speed down the hall to get as far away from the psychotic Seto look alike as their little legs could carry them.

"What's with them Seta-san?" asked Azusa.

"I don't know! They must be shy!" said Seta.

"Maybe they know where Nii-san is!" said Azusa. "Let's go follow them!"

---ooo---

_HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY,  
__WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE-_

"PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP ASV!" begged poor little Double S as the two continued their fruitless search for anything at all that could help them right now (like Asuka and Shou, Mobster, a stun gun, the goth chick, etc.).

"Don't you think I've tried?" asked ASV. "They're like zombies. They have no mind of their own, and will blindly obey their gut instincts despite any natural stimuli around them. Their one goal is to make us happy."

"Isn't there anything we can do?" asked Double S.

"Well, they won't go away," said ASV. "We already tried that…"

"ARE YOU HAPPY?" bellowed the berserk chorus, causing Double S to fall over, landing on the ground flat on his face, beginning to sob.

"You know what would make _me _happy?" said ASV. "I would be outright thrilled if you all incinerated yourselves with a flamethrower!"

"RIGHT-O!" said the happy chorus, pointing a flamethrower at themselves.

"WAIT! NO! That looks dangerous!" said Double S.

"I wasn't being serious!" cried ASV.

That was all that it took. They couldn't stop the flamethrower from…throwing flames since they already fired it up, but they managed to spin it away from them just in time, unfortunately not killing them. However, they successfully managed to put a nearby bulletin board on fire.

"AH! FIRE!" screamed Double S.

"It's a bit obvious now Double S…" said ASV.

_BURNING BURNING BURNING!  
__WE BURN STUFF TO THE GROUND!  
__THIS WHOLE SCHOOL WILL BE ASHES!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"SOMEBODY PUT OUT THE FIRE!" screamed Double S.

"Get a fire extinguisher!" cried ASV.

_FIRE EXTINGUISHER!  
__A THING TO STOP THE-_

"NOW YOU IDIOTS!" screamed ASV, but it was to no avail. The motivational chorus continued to make ASV and Double S feel better by singing stupid verses that they continued to make up as they went along. ASV was desperately running up and down the hallway, trying to find anything that halfway resembled a fire extinguisher, while Double S dug through the janitor's closet to find one.

"Lighter fluid, no, gasoline, no, flammable cleaning chemicals, no, wooden broom, no, tinder and kindling, no," said Double S, frantically clawing through the stuff in the supply closet.

Just as the melee continued to brew, Asuka, bruised, scratched, and with little leaves and twigs in her hair, climbed up the stairs to where the chaos was forming, a definite, unpleasant looking twitch in her one eye. The second ASV saw her, he was in shock.

"It's much better if I don't ask, huh?" said ASV.

"Yes, very much so," said Asuka. "Same with you?"

"Uh huh," said ASV, casting a glance over his shoulder at the burning hallway, Double S, and the motivational chorus.

_WE INTERUPT THIS PROGRAM DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS FAR TOO INTERESTIC TO SHOW TO A CHEEP FAN FICTION WITH NO EDUCATION VALUE WHATSOEVER. THE SCENE HAS BEEN CUT, AND SHORTENED TO COMPENSATE FOR TIME _

"Thanks for putting out the fire Asuka," said Double S.

"No problem," said Asuka.

_THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU  
__WE THANK STUFF ALL THE TIME!  
__WE FEEL EVER SO GRATEFUL!  
__BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!  
__WAHEDODEEDEDHATEHAHAHA!_

"And I'm not allowed to beat them like a rug because?" Asuka asked, pointing to the motivational chorus.

"Well, according to a random goth girl who showed up, they're a vital clue to the internal mechanisms of the ultimate evil, and we must somehow extract that knowledge from them," said ASV.

"Oh, I'd like to extract a few things from them…" said Asuka.

"ASUKA! I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Asuka whirled around in horror to see, coming down the hallway with a regal stride, our favorite blonde haired, ponytailed, blue lipstick wearing teacher with a ridiculous ruff.

"Top Operative Chronos (_A/N _Dr. Crowler in the dub)!" said Asuka, both in surprise and just a little bit in horror. "What are you doing here? Dare I ask…"

"Oh nothing dear, just checking to make sure that everything is going well on one of my top student's missions," said Chronos. "I popped round as soon as I could when I here it went virtually bankrupt by a certain _disgusting, height challenged, blue haired Slipher knit_!"

"Uh, actually, Shou's a pretty good operative…" said Asuka, using the term 'pretty good' in the loosest form possible.

"Asuka, Asuka, Asuka…" said Chronos. "When are you going to get smart and take another top student like yourself along for such a dangerous mission? Like Ryou (_A/N _Zane in dub-lingo)…or Fubuki(_A/N _Asuka's bro)…"

"Ryou I can understand, but…you're kidding about Fubuki right?" said Asuka.

"Why not Fubuki?" said Chronos. "He's smart…talented…looks hot in a-OH GOD! WHAT ARE THOSE?"

ASV and Double S waved cutely, as Asuka tried to shove them behind her back.

"What's what?" asked Asuka innocently.

"Well dear, it seems like you have your hands a bit full," said Chronos, casting a glance at the smoldering wreckage of the hallway, and the badly singed happy chorus. "I'll keep an eye out for whatshisname and tell him to get up here. Ciao Suki…"

"'Ciao Suki'?" asked ASV, as Chronos strolled down the hallway.

"Teachers and their pet names…" said Asuka. "Wait a sec…oh God…no…"

"What?" asked Double S sweetly.

"FUBUKI COULD BE IN THIS SCHOOL!" screamed Asuka at the top of her lungs. "OH GOD, NO! WE NEED TO GET TO A BOMB SHELTER!"

---ooo---

The battle of Internet Candy Land was one of the most exciting one's that history has ever seen. It had been a close match all throughout the game, with all manners of twists and turns that are much too boring to write down. However, to the moment, Dartz was ahead, making his way to the Snow Fairy's Ice Cream Land, while Zigfried was hot on his tail.

"Alright, my draw," said Ziggy, drawing the incredibly rare 'Go Straight to Gumdrop Palace, 'cause you win Girly-Boy' card. "OH MY GOD! I WIN! I-"

"Hello Victim!" said a peppy, computer voice. "You have just received the Red Dog Virus!"

"Raow?"-ZZZT!-"Raow?"-ZZZT!-"Raow?"-

"What the heck is going on?" said Ziggy in disgust, as the Red Dogs rapidly reproduced on the screen.

"Something tells me that-"

BOOM!

The entire computer exploded, giving Dartz and Ziggy third degree burns on their faces…and turning the computer into a smoldering heap of plastic and silicon.

"I think we can call that a draw…" said Dartz.

"NO WAY FREAKWAD!" said Ziggy. "I won zat fair und square! I bet you were ze one who implanted that computer virus in the computer, just vaiting for me to win so it could blow up!"

"FAT HEAD!" said Dartz.

"BUTT HEAD!" said Ziggy.

"BLOODY GERMAN!"

"BLOODY ATLANTIAN!"

"STUPID!"

"ANCIENT!"

"PINK!"

"BLUE!"

"HI KIDS!" said an overly-fancy-pants voice by a man in a red suit and long, silver hippie-hair we all love/loathe so well, who's name is…

"UNCLE MAXIE!" cheered Ziggy happily, giving Pegasus a friendly wave. "Haven't zeen you in ages! How are you?"

"Hi Uncle Maxamillion…" said Dartz dully. As you can guess, he had a very strained relationship with Pegasus. It all happened around Dartz's fourth birthday when Pegasus tricked him into getting into a dress…and it got really ugly from there. Most of the photographs had been burned on attorney advice, but some still float around…

"How did you manage to get he on such short notice?" asked Ziggy.

"Oh, I just borrowed a random teleportation portal from a little fan fiction comedy next door!" said Pegasus. "Anyhoo, I figured that since I was in the neighborhood, I ought to spend some good quality time with my two favorite nephews…CONSIDERING I HAVE NO CHILDREN OF MY OWN!"

"You finally got around to reading 'Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul IV' didn't you?" said Dartz dryly.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" asked Peggy cheerfully.

"Because the last time you read a 'Chicken Soup' book, you followed us everywhere we went for two weeks singing folk songs and reading angsty poetry from the net!" said Dartz.

"That doesn't matter!" said Peggy. "I finally have some good, quality free time to spend with you boys!"

"YAY!" said Ziggy, giving Pegasus a huge hug.

"Woo bloody hoo…" said Dartz.

---ooo---

"Um, I hate to play outsider…but doesn't this seem like a bit of overkill?"

"SHUT UP KAIBA!" said Alister, as the two stood on a misty field which shimmered in the early morning sun, creating a sea of gold and sliver air, all across an emerald green field sparkling with dew. There was an old judge/priest person there who always oversaw duels to the death, who brought along a flock of rakish old crows for atmospheric purposes.

"My God, which idiotic town did you blow in from?" asked Seto. "Remind me to never go there…ever…"

"Right men," said the old priest/judge thing in a crackly voice, holding out a pair of old style six-shot revolvers. "Choose your weapons."

"You have a very slow business nowadays, don't you?" said Seto to the judge/priest thing.

"Nah…it's a hobby really…" said the judge/priest. "I'm a gravedigger full time, so really, this hobby really advances my profession."

"Remind me not to die anytime soon," said Seto.

"Shut up and take the gun," said the judge/pries thing, shoving the gun into Seto's hands. "RIGHT! You know the rules! Ten paces, and then you turn and fire. Got that?"

"Yeah," said Alister, his back to Seto's.

"Whatever…" said Seto.

"One…two…three…four…"

Seto couldn't help but feel a little akward walking down. If by a slim twist of fate he was to be shot by this red-haired man lady, would everything be okay at Kaiba Corp? Would all stock plummet in the mad scramble for power, leaving his estate for his only living relative worthless? Would Mokuba get to bed on time tonight without stuffing his face full of Oreos? All these questions of the future hovered in the back of his mind.

"…eight…nine…TEN!"

BAM!

The gunshot echoed crisply over the hills, reverberating over the grass and trees, as the crows screamed and dizzly took off from the seen. Both figures were still for a moment, neither falling nor crying out in pain. The ringing silence was finally broken by-

"HOW COULD YOU POSSILBY MISS ME?" asked Seto.

"WELL I'M NOT EXACTLY DEAD EITHER!" said Alister accusingly.

"You cheated you girly man running around in a sports bra!" said Seto.

"IT'S AN ATHLETIC SHIRT! JEEZ!" screamed Alister.

"Well if you didn't hit me, then who did you hit?" asked Seto.

"I'm okay…" said the old guy, falling to the ground unconscious.

"Now look what you did!" said Alister, as he and Seto walked right up to each other, each one giving the other a death glare.

"ME? Why you…" said Seto.

However, both of their conversations were halted as a hand the size of a dinner plate roughly cuffed them each on their sholder.

"Oh boy…someone's skipping out again…" said the voice of Lil' Bobby Bill. "I really felt like wailing on someone today…and I just hit the jackpot…"

"And when you say 'beat up', you mean…" Alister tried.

"Punched, kicked, slapped, pinched, yatta yatta," said Little Bobby Bill, grabbing Seto and Alister and dragging them away.

"This is all your fault!" hissed Alister.

"Cork it fat head…" said Seto.

---ooo---

"It's a good thing we were able to borrow an Old American Western set from the drama next door at such short notice!" said Marik happily, wearing a cowboy hat.

"You're really not taking this seriously, are you Marik?" asked Odion. "Has it ever entered you're itsy bitsy little mind that this man is a beefcake with the power to slaughter you with one crash of his fists?"

"Pish and tish Odion!" said Marik. "The guys a pushover! Behind that huge, six foot two wall of muscle, bone, sinew, guts, well-trained prowess and not an ounce of fat is as wussy schoolgirl who likes to pick flowers and kill things!"

"Marik, a) the previous sentence made no sence, and b) remember the last thing you thought was pathetic and wussy?" asked Odion.

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"HA! YOU WUSSY SNAKE!" said Marik happily, leering a huge, angry looking king cobra. "I don't sweat you and your sissy fangs and that spread out hood thingy! You're just an oversized worm with poison that can kill three elephants in ten minutes! I bet you think your-"

CHOMP!

"ODIONTHEWORMBIIIIIIIIITMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Marik in pain, as Odion rushed in with a rail gun.

"Oh good!" said Marik's Dad, pulling out a whip. "I've been wanting to use Mr. Stingy for a long time!"

"Not Mr. Stingy…" Odion moaned.

_Back to Reality Effects_

"I still have emotional scars and a paranoid fear of worms!" Marik said cheerfully.

"You're head's as empty as a balloon, isn't it Marik?" asked Odion.

"Excuse me," said Little Bobby Bill, dragging Raffy, Alister, and Seto behind him. "You were scheduled to have a fight with this Italian Boy, weren't you?"

"Yes kind an inoffensive stranger!" said Marik.

"Oh goody," said Little Bobby Bill. "Two more people to be beaten up!"

"And by beaten up you mean…" Marik said.

"Punched, kicked, slapped, pinched, yatta yatta," said Little Bobby Bill, throwing the other three down right at Marik, knocking all of them over. They all lay moaning in pain, spread eagle in various positions on the ground, none particularly comfortable looking.

"Okay, who's first? Which one, which one," Little Bobby Bill pondered as Alister frantically jerked his eyes toward Seto, who kicked him in the side. "Alright, I think I'll-"

"THERE YOU ARE NII-SAN!" said Azusa happily, skipping over to the three who were all lying on the ground. "Nii-san, I thought I'd never find you! I can't wait to tell Seta-san!"

"Seta-san?" asked Alister, snickering.

"Alright, I get to beat up a girl!" said Little Bobby Bill, rolling up his sleeves. "Now this is going to be fun!"

"Hey Nii-san, what's beating up?" said Azusa.

"Punching, kicking,…" Seto started.

"…slapping, pinching, yatta yatta," everyone all said together in a monotone.

"Well that doesn't sound safe!" said Asuza. "Why, if I didn't know any better, and I don't want to sound naïve or anything, but it sounds like the ultimate goal of this 'beating up' thing is to get someone hurt!"

"Uh, yeah," said Little Bobby Bill. "In fact, I'm in such a good mood, I think I'm going to beat up your little 'Nii-san' first!"

That of course was a very nasty mistake, because as a natural part of her programming, Azusa needed an accurate defense system for both herself and people she deemed her friend, and the fact that she had the strength of ten thousand men didn't exactly hinder that task.

"NO ONE HURTS MY NII-SAN!" screamed Azusa (except her obviously), as she yanked Little Bobby Bill by the back of his black jacket with one hand with such force that it knocked him off his feet, and tearing out a supporter beam from an old western building not far from her, which was about two feet in diameter and twenty feet long, and made out of solid oak wood-

_The following scene has been censored due to the fact that it is not considered family viewing for most of a PG audience. However, for virtually the same effect, simply insert the sound of a man's scream of horror and agony mixed with the sound of twenty pounds of ground beef being juiced in a very small blender. Thank you._

"Urgh…" managed to moan Little Bobby Bill, lying in a disheveled heap, looking as if he had gone through a slice and dicer.

"I…think I just went blind…" said Alister.

"I think I hit him too hard…" said Azusa.

"Azusa, remind me to bring you along to the next meeting of the Board of Directors," said Seto.

"Okay Nii-san!" said Asuka. "Can we go to computer class now?"

"NOT SO FAST YOU HOMICIDAL ROBOT!" yelled the gym teacher angrily, walking into the scene. "WE'VE GOT SOME SERIOUS BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO! YOU! ROBOT!"

"Yes?" said Azusa cheerfully.

"YOU BEAT UP MY STAR STUDENT, WENT ON A RAMPAGE, NEARLY KILLED SOMEONE, AND RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD SCENE FROM A MID NINETEENTH CENTURY SCENE IN AMERCIAN TERRITORY WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI! FOR THAT…YOU PASS FULL MARKS!"

"Yay!" said Azusa happily.

"AS FOR THE REST OF YOU, FOR SKIPPING CLASS, AND FOR BEATING UP STUDENTS WHEN YOU SHOULD BE BEATING THEM UP IN A CONTROLED ENVIROMENT," said the gym teacher, flipping through the rule book. "THE ULTIMATE SENTENCE IS…EXECUTION!"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"Wait, no, we've had budget cuts, we can't afford that anymore, and I don't want to get risk getting beaten up by your 'driod…" said the Gym Teacher.

"Which is punching, ki-" Azusa started.

"Yes, yes, yes, we get it already," said the gymteacher. "ALRIGHT! YOU ALL FAIL! THE BALLY LOT OF YOU! And you!"

He pointed at Marik.

"You're from Egypt aren't you?" said the gym teacher, shoving a pre-signed pass in Marik's direction. "You head down to the nurse and get a physical exam! If anything's carrying the plague, it's you…"

---ooo---

"Wow, do I want to blow up something," said Joey to himself, holding a Snicker's candy bar.

"Hey dude," said some overweight fifteen-year-old boy with a baseball cap, holding the Executioner's Axe. "I'll give you this highly dangerous vacuum cleaner for that candy bar."

"SWEET!" said Joey, handing over the candy bar, and picking up the Executioner's Axe. He then carried it down to the boy's locker room, accidentally incinerating the drinking fountain, walking past a bunch of letters burnt out of the wall that said 'Fubuki was here'.

---ooo---

WOOT! Chapter eight finished!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE! I'M DRESSING UP AS A GOTH! IF YOU WANT A HALLOWEEN FIC, YOU CAN READ ME AND BUTTSY-BOY'S ONE-SHOT, NIGHT OF THE LIVING FURBY!

Next time, Mobster and Shou track down the executioner's axe, Bianca and Tish are on the move to save a computer class from ultimate destruction, and we enter the court of…Judge Serenity?

There's noooo business like shooow business…don't forget to pig out on candy!


	9. The Late Doctor Crumpy MD

CELEBRATING ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS WORTH OF FUN THE INSANE WAY!

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUISNESS! Here's to the super awesome reviewers!

ShadowFire2

YES! Everyone likes a witch/sorceress/angel of death with an identity crisis! I actually had one person mistaking me for a cheerleader. WHAT CHEERLEADER IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD WEAR TEN GALLONS OF EYELINER, MOCK COMBAT BOOTS, AND BLACK LIPSTICK? I don't know, I really don't know…

Anyway, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do, so don't count out Harry Potter yet.

Thank you for the review! HOPE YOU GOT LOTS OF CANDY!

Bilbo-sama

NOT THE SCREENCAPS! ANYTHING BUT THE SCREENCAPS!

Hee! Kidding! AAH! FUBUKI'S IN THIS FIC! RUN! HIDE! ALERT THE MASSES! GATHER GUNS AND PITCHFORKS! THE END IS NEAR! Or at least the insanity…

Yay! Tankies for the review! EAT CANDY! And, uh, ENJOY!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

Actually, I didn't get all of the link. I got http and a couple of numbers...sorry, I got caught up in the insanity last time to tell you.

In a creepy way, her brother does look like Kaiba with long hair…

Marik's a lumberjack and he's okay…well actually, we're all pretty worried about him O.O like how he gets tied to a table and fried by lightning in downright hilarious ways.

Alister…I guess all you have to do is run around in a sports bra and low rise pants with a trenchcoat and you're all set. Still…THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW! Enjoy da chappie!

Andersonfanadmirer

Hey! Thanks for the review! It's good to see a new face! Or review…or…you get what I mean…

Odion, compared to Marik, is really supposed to suffer little damage at all from the story. Unfortunatly…not this time around! Hey, even the sane people occasionally lose it.

All hail plague infested, tan, bleach blonde girly men! Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you keep enjoying the story!

Darklitespirt

Thank you! Hee hee, I'm glad you liked that part, and that you sent two reviews! Thank you! And I hope that you enjoy this story some more!

LeDiva

It's true. Everywhere you turn, Fubuki, somehow, somewhere, isn't far behind. He's sort of like the plague…

Anyway, everyone needs a robot to kick a little butt once and awhile. I'm glad you liked it so much! And I hope you like this chapter too!

Anmarie Miriel

Yeah, being so buff and all, Raffy just had to have one a few medals in the Olympics…or cubic zirconium…

Yeah, I thought of the idea that Ziggy and Dartz were long lost brothers, and my younger brother suggested that maybe Pegasus is their uncle. That made about as much sense as anything else in this story so far, so I gave it a whirl!

Actually, we get hints that Serenity's coming up, but she doesn't actually appear in this chapter…SORRY! She will next one! Promise! Really!

The most dangerous weapon known to man in the hands of an idiot…God have mercy on us all. THANKS AND ENJOY AS ALWAYS!

Kiwigirl89

I did get that actually, and I had an eye twitch for a little while afterwards…bloody dubbers…well, if you thought that was bad, just wait until 'Kaibaman' pops up. Then you'll really want to kill the dubbers.

Anyway, thanks for the idea! And thanks for the Happy Halloween! It's very much appreciated! Oh, and enjoy the chappie too!

Pointe Master

Thanks for the yes on the double story idea! You're one of the few, maybe the only one who responded. Thank you! And thank you for saying that you liked it! Enjoy!

Gothangelmyu

An evil vacuum in the hands of an idiot. Insanity is sure to brew.

It's creepy, but Shou and Mobster actually make a very funny duo. I don't know why, they just do. Just like ASV and Double S are hilarious together. It's a very odd phenomenon.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing! ENJOY!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Saz, Kate, Lizle, Michelle, and Yami

HWAY! The gang's all here, and they logged in! I FEEL SPECIAL!

I want a trench coat too! And French tests are evil! I've heard…anyway, THANKS FOR THINKING MY REPLIES AREN'T PATHETIC AND WUSSY! I have to do, like, a dozen replies a chapter so (shrugs) they kind of lose their zeal the farther down the line you go.

ANGSTY POETRY! I WANT TO GO PAINT MY DAD'S CAR TOO! Thanks for the review guys!

An Angel in Tears

HOORAY! YOU'RE THE ONE HUNDRETH REVIEW! (Throws confetti in face) YOU GET CANDY!

Aw…bad week huh? What happened? (Sends lots of cookies).

Marik is a freaky person, what can I say? And I'm so glad people like Azusa! I thought that as a character, she had the roughest start, but I'm glad she's making a recovery! And I am rubbish at Gym too, so don't worry.

THANK YOU AS ALWAYS FOR EVERYTHING!

Chapter Nine

**THE LATE DOCTOR CRUMPY MD**

_In which Shou realizes she has more on her plate than she thinks._

"I don't need a physical examination Odion!" said Marik angrily, sitting in a gray, plastic chair while surrounded about packets raising awareness of various diseases caused by…shall we say, intimate relationships? "I'm as healthy as a horse! I can lift school busses with my bare hands! Did I say school busses? I meant tofu…"

"Uh huh," said Odion. "Marik, let's face it, your probably overdue for a checkup anyway…not to mention a decent IQ test…"

"Bearing that in mind, you know I'm a healthy-" then Marik started hacking up a horrible cough that shook the chair around him and caused the ancient secretary to look up at him. "Oh sorry Odion, what were we talking about?"

"I really should have seen this coming, knowing that virtually every member of your family is an inbreed…" said Odion.

"THEY ARE NOT!" said Marik. "Just because I have a skin disorder in a really uncomfortable place doesn't mean that my family is full of inbreeds!"

"That's what you said that one night when you were coughing up blood," said Odion curtly.

"Alright, I'm getting bored of this banter, now what are you two fools here for?" said the ancient secretary.

"Well, actually, I'm here for a physical examination or some other such nonsense," said Marik, handing the secretary the pass.

"Oh yes, I see," said the secretary. "Well then little brain, you're in luck. You see, sports physicals are just getting started, and the school doctor is free this period. His name is a Dr. Angus Crumpy MD."

"What kind of stupid name is 'Angus'?" asked Marik.

"Like you should talk," said Odion.

"Doctor Crumpy will see you in a few minutes," said the secretary. "Would you like a packet on horrifying skin diseases to read while you wait?"

"SWEET! THIS ONE HAS PICTURES!" said Marik quickly grabbing a pamphlet and hopping down on the chair.

---ooo---

"Bianca, this is far from good," said Tish, scrolling through a pile of paper on the floor. "I managed to print a couple readouts before this entire quadrant of computers exploded…"

"Huh?" said Bianca, reading 'Goodnight Moon' upside down.

"According to this, the 'Red Dog' has already found its way into every computer hard drive in the entire school, and now it's heading to the main servers," said Tish. "We have to do a full scale shutdown before-OH GOD!"

"Mffu Mrr?" said Bianca, who was now chewing on the book.

"This computer virus…it spreads by…" Tish said in horror.

"Hey dude! This palm pilot rocks!" said some random kid behind the two agents.

"Hello Victim!" said the Palm Pilot. "You have just received the Red Dog Computer Virus!"

"Raow?"-ZZZT-"Raow?"-ZZZT-"Raow?"-ZZZT-

BOOM!"

"Aw…that's not cool…" said the same kid, the palm pilot exploding in his face.

"This virus spreads through _air_, like a cold!" said Tish.

"CAN I EXPLODE TISH!" Bianca asked excitedly.

"This is bad, this is very bad," said Tish. "So far, this computer virus seems pretty low key, so that means that it had to have originated in this school…"

"IT'S BEATDOWN TIME!" said Bianca excitedly.

"Okay, Bianca, listen, here are our main tasks," said Tish. "One, shut down every device that runs on electricity, even the school appliances and lights to slow the virus's progress. Two hunt down the cause of this virus and destroy it. And three, fine an antivirus before this one destroys every electrical device in the world!"

"That sound like hard work," said Bianca.

"Bee…" Tish said dangerously.

"RIGHT! BREAK STUFF! GOT IT!" said Bianca, bounding toward the door, knocking it down off its hinges, and skipping down the hallway.

"There had better be a Christmas Bonus out of this," said Tish to herself.

---ooo---

"Okay Mobster, it's safe to say that we're in a dangerous situation," said Shou, as he and Mobster hid behind a huge recycling bin. "The Ultimate Evil is loose in the school, I lost the Executioner's Axe, and if we get found before we can find it, one of us is for the chop."

"You're for the chop actually," said Mobster.

"Same thing!" said Shou. "But where could the Executioner's Axe possibly be now? WHERE? OH GOD! GIVE US A SIGN!"

From the sky, there was dome sort of devine chorus, and clouds parted to form a bridge of perfect golden light, and then, shooting down from the sky at forty seven miles per hour, a huge sign buried itself in the floor tile that said 'Thataway' and pointed down the hallway. That's when Joey bounced down it on his way to computer class, blowing up random inanimate objects as he went along.

"THANK YOU GOD!" screamed Shou.

However, luck was not on his side, because just about to cross the corner was…Chronos.

"This is great! We know where the Top Secret Destructive Weapon went to!" said Shou happily, and Chronos automatically stopped, hidden behind the corner he was about to turn so he was out of view. "Now all I need to do is get it back from that freaky kid, and we're golden! We'll just tell Asuka we found it and fixed it!"

"Hooray! Good thing no superior of yours is hearing this conversation, or else we could be in serious trouble!" said Mobster happily.

And that's when a plan began to form in Chronos's sick little mind.

---ooo---

"Marik Ishtar?" asked the secretary to the two, who were thoroughly engrossed in an AIDS brochure. "Doctor Crumpy will see you know."

"SWEET!" said Marik, bounding out of the chair. "Come on Odion! Let's get physically examined!"

Marik happily threw open the door to Doctor Crumpy's office, and inside was the most repulsive man that mankind has ever known. He was stooped and wrinkled, with eyeglasses so thick they could replace most microscopes, thin hair in an unattractive comb over, a smile completely devoid of teeth, and a grey, fat, smelly dog lying at his feet. Marik cringed in horror at the sight of this pathetic man, and Odion tsked silently to himself.

"Hrr…yer Mrik Ishmir aincher? HAAAAACK, ker hur hee hee…"

Doctor Crumpy always finished his sentences with what was a combination of a horrid cough, and a choking kind of laugh.

"Hrrm, yew a purty gril aincher? HAAAAAAAAACK fur hur kee…" coughed and hacked Mr. Crumpy, fingering through Marik's peach-blonde hair.

"Um…who's he?" said Odion, pointing to the old, wrinkly dog, who also had a hacking cough similar to Dr. Crumpy's.

"Himer muh seener eye derg, Hobo…HAAAAACK…" said Doctor Crumpy.

"…Hobo…" said Odion dryly.

"Yerm, e's a hundred and sirks…HAAAAA-" started Mr. Crumpy.

"Okay…um…can we start?" asked Marik.

"Hollum, wet me gurt me sock…" said Dr. Crumpy, reaching into a medical drawer, and pulling out an old, lint covered sock in his old, trembling hands, which were twitching wildly. Now Odion knew something was wrong. No one who observes patients with a sock could be of right mind.

"Uh…" said Odion. "Are you okay? Do you want to sit down for a while…or something?"

Dr. Crumpy didn't move a muscle.

"Um…Dr. Crumpy?" asked Odion, walking over and gently poking Dr. Crumpy. "Dr. Crumpy, are you alright? Dr…Dr. Crumpy?"

That's when, to both Odion and Marik's horror, Dr. Crumpy slumped down over the filing cabinet, not making another movement, or sound.

There was absolute silence.

"Marik…" said Odion uneasily. "I think Dr. Crumpy's…"

"He's what?" asked Marik.

"He's…bought the farm…" said Odion.

"I don't care how many bloody farms he's bought Odion!" said Marik "What does being a farmer have to do with the fact that he's slumped over like that?"

"Marik, he's gone to join the choir invisible," said Odion.

"Huh?" asked Marik.

"He's…um, not faking it…"

"Huh?"

"He's checked out?"

"Huh?"

"He's gone to meet his maker?"

"Huh?"

"He's gone to get his paycheck?"

"Huh?"

"He's high and dry?"

"Huh?"

"He's ceased to exist?"

"Huh?"

"He's going to push up the daisies?"

"Huh?"

"He's gong to rest in peace?"

"Huh?"

"He's taking the ultimate vacation?"

"Huh?"

"He's passed on?"

"Huh?"

"_He's snuffed it!_"

"Huh?"

"HE'S DEAD YOU MORON!" Odion screamed.

"OH!...we're in trouble now, right?…" said Marik.

"Yeah…" said Odion.

"Nuts," said Marik. "Ah, it can't be too hard, we'll just walk out and act like it never happened!"

"You know the next person who walks in here will find him dead, call murder, and we'll be the prime suspects in the case, right?" said Odion.

"He looked pretty dead to start!" said Marik.

"True, but near dead and actually…dead are two completely different things," said Odion. "Okay, don't panic, we just need to think of a plan. Okay, now maybe if we can disguise him as a little penguin and chuck him out the window-"

"YAY! I'M GOING TO BE EXAMINED NEXT!" cried Yugi from the next room.

"Hm…Odion, maybe we can take this rather unfortunate incident and turn it into our sick little advantage!" said Marik excitedly.

"Oh dear, here we go," said Odion, slapping his forehead.

---ooo---

Seto was in another one of those pathetically awful emotional states after Gym Class, after not being able to kick a girly man's but, getting heaved into a concrete column, and a few other things, and he _still _couldn't get that berserk red haired girl out of his head, so while Azusa waited up for him in the classroom, he decided to consult the most helpful soul in his inspirational soul aides in his arsenal of emotional lifting…his Blue Eyes White Dragon plushie, Snuggles McBluesey.

"SNUGGLES!" cried Seto in pain, digging through all of his college textbooks, work junk and such to dig out his cuddly plush toy. "I NEED YOUR HELP!"

"ACH! Ye great, fat son of the Locke Ness Monster!" yelled the plushie at him in an angry Scottish Accent, wearing a little beret and plaid. "'Ave yew no shame boy, or were yee planin' to lock me there until me dyin' days?"

"Snuggles, I have a bit of a problem," said Seto, dragging Snuggles out of the back and cobweb covered corner of the locker. "I have a terrible crush on this red haired girl who's name I don't even know, and whenever I see her, I get too scared to talk to her, and now she doesn't even know I exist! And I got slammed into a concrete column, I failed, and I just keep feeling worse and worse! What am I going to do?"

"Weel naow, that's a bit of a relief maeh boy," said Snuggles sagely. "If ye had a preference to a lad, then ye'd have one or two problems, but that's besides the point. Evraone gets the gitters 'raond the object of their desire m'lud, and everyone has to get thrown into concrete columns and such derrin' life. Et's just the way life is."

"But I don't know what to do Snuggles?" said Seto. "If she comes around again, what am I going to say to her?"

"Weel boy, ah may be gettin' aed of meself, but a good way to start is sayin' 'Mornin'', and then askin the lass her name," said Snuggles.

"Morning Snuggles," said the Ra Hallucination, walking by.

"Mornin' Marcus," said Snuggles. "Now lad, does this lass have long red hair, huge brown eyes, and a smile of blissful happiness on her face?"

"YEP!" said Seto.

"Good lad, acuss she's right beind yer," said Snuggles.

"HI KOREAN KID!" screamed Bianca right next to Seto, causing him scream and whirl around, carrying the smoldering piece of rubbish that was Seto's laptop. "Sorry about your laptop. IT EXPLODED! Oh, and I liked your screensaver! IT WAS SO CUTE!"

"Umumumum…uh…" said Seto.

"Yer line is 'Good Mornin'' said Snuggles in a quiet voice.

"GOODMORNING!" said Seto, much too loud and fast. "And um," he looked down at Snuggles in his arms. "OH! Um, I mean, I'm not talking to a plush toy! Not at all! I'm just stressed! And when I get stressed I talk too much, and to myself, though it looks like I'm talking to inanimate objects! Really! Ha ha! Ha…"

"ME TOO! In fact, it happens all the time!" said Bianca, turning to a locker. "Isn't that right Hermy?"

"It's cool lad, it is," said Snuggles. "Now tell her of all the stuff where her beauty lies."

"STUFF IT, IT'S ALL LIES!" said Seto.

Silence.

"You're funny!" yelled Bianca, shoving the laptop into his hands and bounding nimbly down the hallway. "Well, I'm sorry I can't chat! I got's to go and destroy everything in this power grid! See you later Korean Kid!"

_She said I was hilarious…_ Seto thought with a sigh, leaning against the locker. _And she said…see you later…she's a goddess…_

"Yed both be thae most pathetic couple in the world, and I wouldn't envy your children," said Snuggles McBlusey.

---ooo---

"Hello, and welcome once again to Computer Class," said the computer's teacher, Mrs. Yagasami. "Here we are, once again to enjoy the wonderful world of computers…once again…and to think…I could have been a biotech engineer in Cornell, and get paid ten times as much as I am now…and have a better home life…but…I'm sorry…"

She walked over to a box of tissues on her desk, grabbing one and sobbing hysterically for a minute into it. Her face eventually emerged, red and blotchy, filled with pent up sorrow and despair over rejection.

"I'm okay…I really am…" she said, walking over to her desk, somehow managing to regain her composure. "Anyway…just log in and…I'll try…to get a hold of myself…"

Joey was greatly amusing himself, not by logging in on his computer, but by using the Executioner's Axe to blow smoldering craters through the glass windows in the school room.

With a slam of the door, Mobster and Shou quickly rushed, and dashed around the room, until at last, Shou saw Joey and the Executioner's Axe, and ran over to negotiate a way to get it back.

"Excuse me sir, but that's my vacuum cleaner, and I really want it back please," said Shou. "Can I have it back please?"

"I had to trade a candy bar for this!" said Joey sourly.

"Um, um…" said Shou, frantically digging through his pockets.

"I've got one!" said Mobster triumphantly, grabbing a half-eaten one from some other kid's hands.

"Sorry, I'm not hungry," said Joey. "Well, actually, I am, but I'm having a heckova lot more fun blowin' up stuff than eatin' a candy bar and such nonsense!"

"NOT SO FAST!" said Chronos, banging into the room. "Shou Marufuji, you lie accused of giving a highly dangerous, untested weapon to some random boob you find on the street! I hereby sentence you to instant expulsion and DEATH!"

"You can't do that!" said Mobster defensively. "You have no evidence that he gave it away! Maybe it was stolen! Maybe that one's just a fake! MAYBE WE'RE ALL JUST MARSHMALLOWS!"

"Then there's only one way to tell!" said Doctor Chronos. "Young Man, hand over the Executioner's Axe!"

"NO! MY VACUUM CLEANER!" said Joey, hugging it to his body.

"I SAID GIVE IT!" said Chronos, grabbing the Executioner's Axe, and trying to tear it out of Joey's arms.

"MAKE ME MAN LADY!" said Joey, pulling it back.

"At least we were going to give it to him for something!" said Mobster and Shou, both grabbing a free space on the axe and trying to pull it out of both Chronos and Joey's hands.

"GIVE IT!"

"NO!"

"IT'S OURS!"

"IT'S MINE!"

"HAND IT OVER NOW!"

"JOEY PLEASE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BAM!

"_You have entered the court of Judge Serenity," _said an odd narrator voice, coming from somewhere where none of the people in the room could figure out. _"The people are real, the crimes are real, and their all just a bunch of idiots!"_

"Oh, we can't judge this as good," said Shou.

"THE WALLS ARE TALKING TO ME!" said Joey.

"Oh God…" said Chronos and Mobster at the same time.

---ooo---

"Mmm…meatloaf…" said Asuka's dangerously insane older brother, who looked a little like her, but with much more hair, and taller. He was wearing an Obelisk Blue uniform, had on combat boots he dyed blue, two golf bags slung around each shoulder, and he was holding a gamma cannon covered in little yellow daisies, looking at a shapeless hump of what looked like something halfway out of a cows digestive system. "IT MUST DIE!"

FWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

He pulled out his government-stolen gamma cannon, and with that, began to incinerate the meatloaf particle by subatomic particle with the ultra-super-mega-sonic burst.

"OH YEAH! BURN BABY BURN!" screamed Fubuki at the top of his lungs, until there was nothing left of the pestilent meat but a badly singed table, which fell to the ground in half ten seconds after the blast was over, a huge crater in the tiling, and one unfortunate water molecule of the previously existing meatloaf.

"Right, onto the vegetable course!" said Fubuki, heading to a huge pot of pail, sick looking green beans. "Hm…they look a little thick, better go for my nine iron…"

He reached into one of his pink golf bags, shoving in the gamma cannon, and pulling out a golf club.

"FORE!"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

He then proceeded to beat the stainless steal pot filled to the brim with green beans to a pulp using his gold club of doom, also taking great joy in beating up random cooking tools and common items that happened to be in the general area of his assalt, including a vegetable rack, oven doors, and more tables.

"Alright, now it's time for the Coup de Grace for the desert!" said Fubuki, whipping out from the last golf bag the largest highly dangerous and relatively untested combating weapon in his arsenal, the 'Slaughter Stick', which was so huge that he needed to put it on a stand, shoving the power chord in an outlet, and was about to barbeque the innocent tray of cookies so there wasn't enough to brush a microbe when-

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

All the lights in the cafeteria suddenly went dead.

"CRAP!" said Fubuki, kicking the Slaughter Stick's stand. "Don't tell me I ousted _another _power generator by pluggin' this baby in!"

"Darn fuse box, always exploding before you have a chance to shut down the power grid…" said Tish angrily to herself, dragging a small handbag of her own personal electrical manipulating instruments.

"Ooh…BABE ALERT!" said Fubuki, completely abandoning his genocide of culinary failure, in three milliseconds right at Tish's side. "Hey Bunny Nose, how's the weather in heaven?"

"I don't date anyone outside of my species," said Tish, planting a foot firmly in his side, shoving him away from her. "Run home to the savanna ape boy."

"Oh, you little tease!" said Fubuki, wrapping an arm around her. "I love a woman who knows how to kid!"

"Oh, then you'll love this," said Tish, grabbing the arm around her in a vice grip.

---ooo---

"I LOVE BANGNING STUFF!" cried Bianca, destroying anything that halfway looked electronic to her, including a drinking fountain, with the aid of a pickaxe she found in the teacher's lounge. "This is the best job ever!"

"Wow…lady's got arms…" said Fubuki, limping past Bianca, random parts of his body jutting out at very odd angles. "Oh well, there's always flowers and candy…"

Bianca just watched him go by for a few seconds. However, something else quickly caught her microscopic attention span.

"FLUTE PLAYER!" she screamed chasing after a poor, innocent bystander, who screamed and ran away, clutching her flute case in a death grip, while Bianca, mistaking it for an electronical device, chased after her with her pickaxe.

---ooo---

"Yes…yes…yes…uh huh…" said the secretary in the office, talking on the phone, as Yugi sat in a plastic chair in his Gym uniform with a huge yet unmistakably blank smile on his face. That's when Odion calmly walked out of the examination room, right up to the desk of the receptionist.

"Can I help you" she asked, hanging up.

"Yes, um, it's about Marik," said Odion. "He's not going to be walking out the door at this moment because…he jumped out the window!"

"GOODNESS! Is he hurt?" said the secretary in panic, halfway out of her chair.

"NO! No, not at all," said Odion, blocking her way out. "Um, you see, he's just, um…you see, he's not quite of right mind, and he does it all the time at home, and you see so many people jumping off of things in the media today…imitation, you know?"

"He's jumped out a window for cryin'!" said the secretary, trying to get by Odion, who kept blocking her way. "Let me through! He could be hurt! LET ME THROUGH DARN IT!"

"No, really, he's fine, he's…he's great!" said Odion. "It really gives him a thrill, and it's good for the back…and the reflexes…and stuff…"

"I said-" said the secretary.

"LOOK YOU COW! HE'S PEACHY OKAY?" said Odion. The nurse then pulled out a hypodermic needle and stabbed Odion with it.

"What was in that thing?" he asked, as she injected the orange liquid into his skin.

"Dillusionalix, it gives you nasty hallucinations," said the secretary.

"Hey when are they…" started Odion, but then he stopped when the entire room twisted itself up, a scuba diver swam by in mid-air, and a chorus of huge, pink chickens and McJagger came in singing 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'.

"Never mind…" said Odion, rolling on the floor in a fetal position.

"Dr. Crumpy! Doctor Crumpy sir!" said the secretary, running into the room. "Dr. Crumpy, what…Dr…"

"Herro dere nursy…KAHAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" said Marik, pulling off the phoniest cough alive, wearing Doctor Crupy's MD suit, with the baggy white labcoat, which was about four sizes too small (Doctor Crumpy was a bit 'loose' around the waist), and he tried his best to looked stooped over, a huge doctor's cap just barely managing to cover his diseased little platinum blonde head, a face mask concealing his face.

"Doctor Crumpy…you look…" said the secretary, "but, uh, NEVER MIND! A weird Knowledge Inspector just came in saying that one of your patients jumped out the window! Marik Ishtar-"

"Yes?" said Marik. "ER! I'm…ner…e's fine…KER-"

"Please sir, you must do something about that cough!" said the secretary. "And…you don't care that he jumped out a window?"

"Oh, ner, e didn't jump outer winder…HEEEEEEERK!" said Marik, quickly slamming a medical cabinet closed, as a bit of Doctor Crumpy's arm was about to start sticking out. "Ur, derta guys a bloody liar!"

"Then where is he?" asked the secretary.

Silence.

"CARROT PEOPLE!" screamed Odion, banging his head against the desk. "CARROT PEEEEEEEEOPLEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Clamp it egghead," said the secretary to Odion, who was now spiraling around.

"Urr…e musta left…" said Marik, looking all around the room.

"Uh, never mind," said the secretary, picking up a first aide kit. "Just observe the next patient, I'm going to go out to look for him. Yugi dear, you can come in now!"

"YAY!" said Yugi, bouncing into the room. "I can't wait to get examined Dr. Crumpy!"

"Neither can I…" said Marik evilly.

---ooo---

BAD NEWS PEOPLE! I'm behind! Honestly! So, unfortunately, I'm going to take a week up to catch up on everything. I will NOT update next week, but the week AFTER THAT ONE I will. People sometimes get a little confused when I do this, so I'm clearing it all up.

So to make up for it, and to celebrate my 100th review, I decided to attach a special little thing at the end of this chapter for you all to read…THE SUPER QUICK YU-GI-OH RANDOM FACT BOOK OF RANDOMNESS!

ALL MAJOR YU-GI-OH CHARACTER'S BIRTHDAYS (how do they decide this garbage?) AND THEIR ZODIAC SIGNS

_Yugi Moto: _June 6th, Gemini (makes sense really)

_Joey Wheeler: _January 26th, Aquarius (Kind, soft spoken, and courteous? No. Dead-arse stubborn? Yes)

_Tea Gardner: _August 18th, Leo (not compatible with Gemini. Sorry T)

_Hiroto Honda: _April 19th, Aries (Crap. I'm an Aries. I hoped we had nothing in common…)

_Ryo Bakura: _September 2nd, Virgo (It's creepy, but I was almost expecting it…NOT COMPATABLE WITH ARIES, DANGIT, BUT I DON'T CARE!)

_Seto Kaiba: _October 25th, Scorpio (HAPPY BELATED SETO! ONE OF THE LEAST COMPATABLE WITH ARIES, BUT STILL, DON'T CARE!)

_Marik Ishtar: _December 23rd, Capricorn (Hard working? YEAH RIGHT! He's as lazy as heck!)

_Pegasus_: October 8th, Libera (WHAT THE HECK! I'M COMPATABLE WITH PEGGY? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

_Mokuba: _July 7th, Cancer (Huh, MY little brother's a Cancer. Creepy…)

MISCILANIOUS MISQUOTES, FACTS AND MISFACTS (really, I wouldn't lie to you...)

Yugi never refers to Yami as Yami or Pharoah in the original Japanese. He is always refered to as _mou hitori no boku, _the other me

Seto's not older than any of the gang. He's about sixteen like the rest of them

Yes, Ryo has/had a little sister, but whether she is alive or dead at this time is questionable, as is the rest of his family

Just as Joey's not from Brooklyn, Ryo is, sadly, not British…or albino, both of which are a bit of a blow for me…

Tea is not normally a friendship witch. In fact, she's actually pretty tomboy in the original Japanese

Marik can be spelt 'Malik', because 'l's are pronounced like 'r's in the Japanese

Kaiba never killed his dad. And there's no evidence that he was beaten routinely or any other overly-sick thing that goes through the minds of angst writers

No one is actually dating in Yu-Gi-Oh. There is a crush between a couple characters, but there is no serious dating, contrary to popular opinion

Yugi and Yami are the same height. Thought you oughta know

ALL OF SETO'S PET NAMES FOR JOEY UP TO DATE (I probably missed one or two…)

Amateur, third-rate duelist, monkey boy, mutt, _bonkotsu _(mediocre), _make inu _(pathetic dog), _zako _(small fish), and quite recently, underdog

Next time, Yugi has to survive Marik's examination of doom, Shou and Mobster have to seek the aide of a mystical tree spirity bobble head thing, and it turns out that Bianca is the only person who can save us from the most disastrously horrible pair of underwear history has ever seen! Stay tuned!


	10. Het Obrxe Rsbife Fo Medies

"…_There is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that nobody remembers the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-burstein-von-knacker-trasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleenisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?"_

_-Monty Python Day Calendar_

Hey! I'm back! Did you miss me? (Big eyes) The funny thing is, this is the second time I have ever done a 'court trial' sort of skit, so I hope it's still funny, without being too repetitive. ONTO THE FABBO REVIEWERS!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

I think Bianca would probably explode on command…HA HA! YES! MARIK TORTURE! Truly the best! Oh, and the day I run around in a shirt that tiny is the day I die. I once tried a bikini on for fun. WORST EXPIERIENCE EVER! I still have nightmares from when I was foolish enough to turn around and look in the mirror.

I have one person who reviewed on your recommendation! THANK YOU! (Gives chocolate chip cookies) Oh, and for Taurus, I looked it up, and your good with Virgo's or Capricorns. But the one you might find a good relationship (or rip each other apart) is in…SCORPIOS! (Grabs Ryo and Seto) NO! THEY'RE MINE! I WOULD HAVE BEEN A TAURUS IF I DIDN'T POP OUT FOR TWO MORE HOURS…

Anyway, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! ENJOY THE CHAPPIE, AND EAT THE COOKIES!

LeDiva

Yay! There is nothing as fun as Marik getting a physical! And a couple people liked the Seto and Bianca moment as well, so YAY! And I'm glad people are starting to take a liking to Fubuki too. Boy, I just keep bringing loonies into this fic…

ANYWAY! Thank you for the review! Enjoy!

Anmarie Miriel

Goodnight Moon probably was my favorite book when I was a little kid, and I asked my parents to read it to me over and over and over again! But the first one I ever read by myself was More Spaghetti I Say.

Doctor Crumpy was sort of a joint character in creation, because when I was getting my physical, dad made a comment that I should be grateful, because state law requires that school physicians had to be dead before they could examine people. So Doctor Crumpy eventually spawned from a combination of my Dad's horror stories and my own personal whimsies. Even Hobo has a story behind him.

My philosophy is that people try to avoid the word 'death' in a real context as much as they can, hence the many sayings. And good for you with the birthday . I hope it's a cool one, since I share my birthday with Tristan O.o. I laughed when you said that Mobster would be crushed. She would be! Luckily, I keep the idea that Ryo is British alive and well in the story.

TANKIE SPANKIES FOR THE NICE REVIEW! Enjoy chapter ten!

Biblo-Sama

YAYZ! Thank you! And I'm glad you liked the warped version of Fubuki (I wonder how far off he is from the original…). And by the way, what's RP? It sounds like fun!

PH34R N0T, for I return! And I hope you enjoy the chappie I returned with!

Black032

Huh. Maybe it is, and I was just misinformed. But really, who thinks up these things anyway? Probably fangirls…

Anyway, thanks for reviewing! Enjoy the chapter!

Pink-kiss-candy

I like the name!

Aaaaaaw, YOU'RE SO NICE! Thank you! I actually read 'Why Tristan's Hair is Spiky' and 'FUN' from your works, and I thought that they were funny too! YAY! WOOT!

Anyway, thank you so much for the super nice first review, and I hope you continue to enjoy!

ShadowFire2

See 'Why couldn't I have been born two hours later' comment. Then I could have been compatible with Ryo and with Seto (or hate his guts)! WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL? I DEFY YOU STARS!

Yeah, I just can't stand the emotional trauma that must be caused by giving birth to a kid with spiky hair. That must have hurt! No wonder she shows her face in the show, she's too ashamed…

THANK YOU! I hope you like this chapter too! And another thing, if he has a mom, where the heck's Yugi's dad?

Serenity-yugioh-fan05

HEY! Great to see you! I can't wait to see the next edition of BOOBAH LAND! I want to see Joey somehow change into a girl. That would make my day…

Thanks for reviewing! I hope you come back sometime!

Bananawings72

SETA KAIBELLE WAS HILARIOUS! I really like the fact that a mega man like Seto must suffer the horrors of being female! MUA HA HA! AND THE 'LEAK' BIT WAS HILARIOUS! PRICELESS! PRICELESS!

And the tampon thing is so true! The whole concept that…never mind, this is rated K+ after all.

Anyway, thank you for liking the story! I'm glad the fact that I'm overloading it with characters is to your liking! I really hope you update soon, and I really, really hope that you like this upcoming chapter! Toodles!

Princess Mika of the Shadows, Sazmo, Shippou, and Yami

WOOT! Another funny review! HAHAHAHAHA the swearing bits were funny! And good luck with the speech! I'm good at acting, but I'm an awful speaker. And heaven forbid I ever join debate team, for when I do…YAMI SHRI COMES OUT, AND SHE'S OUT TO KEEL! KEEL I SAY!

Let's get away from that…wow! Yami taught me a brand new word! As a thank you, I send to your masses…BISHIE PLUSHIES! (Sends Yuki, Kyo, and Momiji, and Chibi Ryo plushies, and give a huge 'I wuv Seto Kaiba' plushie to Yami).

FEAR THE PINK FLOYD! And thank you for the brand new words, ah, I mean, weird Egyptian apology card, ah, I mean, THE REVIEW! YES THE LAST ONE! Enjoy!

**Tcrahpr Nte**

**HET OBRXE RSBIFE FO MEDIES**

"We are terribly sorry about the previous announcement of what the chapter is supposed to be titled," said Pegasus, sitting in a swivel chair behind a very professional desk. "The previous was a result of circumstances beyond our control, because SOME PEOPLE was messing around with the type face and switched it to ANAGRAM!"

"We said we're sorry, can't you just drop it?" said Raphael, who was duct tapped to a chair with Valon and Alister.

"Have no fear, as I'm sure you're all very curious to what the chapter's title actually is, we're working right now to getting it back to the way it's supposed to be," said Pegasus. "Now, don't worry or try to solve it or anything, we'll have it all sorted out in a jiff! Really! For now, just read the chapter like you normally would, and we'll come back when we've think we've fixed everything up. 'Kay? Please enjoy this chapter!"

---ooo---

"Okay now little boy…KEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" said Marik, with his creepy fack cough. "Now let me just get out my scalpel and-"

"IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN DOCTOR CRUMPY!" said Yugi happily. "YOU AND GRANDPA HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS, SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT ABSOLUTLY ANYTHING, AND IF I HAVE THE SLIGTEST SUSPICION YOU AREN'T HIM, I CAN TURN YOU IN!"

Complete silence.

"Uuh…" said Marik.

"Can you call me that name that you always do when we see each other Mr. Crumpy?" asked Yugi.

"The um…specific one?" asked Marik.

"Yep!" said Yugi.

"The one that you'll know for sure that I am Doctor Crumpy if I say?" asked Marik.

"Yup!" said Yugi.

"The one that is so secretly specific that if I get it wrong, you will know for complete, one hundred percent certainty that I am not Doctor Crumpy?" asked Marik.

"OH YEAH!" said Yugi.

"Uuuuuh…Yugi?" asked Marik.

"YAY! THANKS DOCTOR CRUMPY!" said Yugi.

Marik breathed a sigh of relief, as Hobo, Doctor Crumpy's ex-seeing eye dog, coughed pathetically, and Odion now screamed about the Monkey People not paying him properly for the small, South American country he knitted them for Ramadan, knowing that he had somehow won this dimwitted boy's trust. Now, he needed to figure out a way to get him to hand over the puzzle before things got heinously out of hand like they usually do when he attempts to do something evil.

And unfortunately, they were.

---ooo---

_Mrs. Chronos-_

"I AM NOT A LADY!"

_Mr. Chronos is suing Mr. Shou Marufuji and Ms. Mobster no-last-name-on-file for letting a dangerous, relatively untested military weapon of mass destruction into the hands of an idiot named Joey Wheeler, which law codes have stated is punishable by instant expulsion and death. Marufuji and Mobster counter-claim by saying 'well at least we're not a bleach-blonde man lady'._

_I still wet the bed sometimes._

"ALL RISE!" yelled Joey, still totting the Executioner's Axe, at the top of his lungs, and everyone got up in the computer room got up.

"ALL SIT!" screamed Joey, and everyone sat down again.

"ALL RISE!"

Everyone got up again.

"ALL SIT!"

Everyone sat down.

"ALL RISE!"

Everyone, this time with a good amount of grumbling, got up.

"ALL SIT!"

Everyone sat down.

"ALL-"

"Oh for God sakes, now you're just overplaying it," said Serenity Wheeler, sitting down at the teachers desk, wearing black judge robes and carrying a huge gavel. "I am Judge Serenity _cough _honorary _cough_, and I shall be hearing this trial."

"Hey! That's my desk!" the manic-depressed teacher said. "I don't care if you're a judge, a teacher's desk is a private and personal-"

"OVERULLED!" said Serenity, banging the gavel on the head of the teacher, who 'eeped' and ran back to the end of the room to sit at a vacant student computer.

"Now, as I was saying, I am the (honorary) judge to this case!" said Serenity. "I am the master of all you're pathetic lives, and I can turn them into an empty void of misery and destruction should I choose. Which reminds me…before we get started, are there any Serenity bashers in this room?"

"I'LL SAY!" screamed a teenage boy named Stephanie, with a huge, character basher thing on the front of his shirt. "SHE'S AN UTTER WHIMP! And she's gotta have, like, a brother complex or something! She deserves to die! In fact, give me three minutes alone with her and-"

BZZRP!

The boy turned into a chicken.

BZZRP!

Then a calculator.

BZZRP!

Then a blaquelamange.

BZZRP!

Then a record player.

BZZRP!

Then a strawberry.

BZZRP!

"AH!" screamed Stephanie, turning back to his original self.

"Anyone else?" asked Serenity, blowing smoke off the tip of her wand with a pixie star at the end of it that she pulled out ten seconds ago.

Everyone frantically shook their heads now, while a boy named Stephanie ran off screaming to the school guidance councilor.

"Okay," said Serenity, straightening out the papers on the teacher's desk. "Now it's time to tell me your defense lawyers."

"I shall be defending myself," said Chronos. "You do know that I have a minor degree in law, and as a teacher, I have much experience of manipulating the masses for my own selfish goals."

"Oh dear," said Mobster.

"Defense, present you're lawyer," said Serenity.

"Uh…" said Shou.

"How about my _kudama_?" asked Mobster, pulling out a tree spirit bobble head thing, straight out of 'Princess Mononoke'.

"Uh…" said Shou, as the little kudama's head tilted to the side, and snapped back with a cute, little rattle sound.

BAM!

Crashing through another ceiling tile, landing rather painfully on his bum, was Fubuki.

"BLOODY CEILING GHOSTS!" screamed Fubuki at the top of his lungs. "I'LL GIT YEW NEXT TIME!"

"Accepted," said Serenity.

"WHAT?" said Shou. "You ca-OH MY GOD, FUBUKI'S OUR DEFENSE LAWYER!"

"Sweet!" said Fubuki, pulling out the Slaughter Stick.

"What's wrong with that…Fubuki guy?" Mobster asked Shou.

"Mobster, this guy makes you look like Asuka!" said Shou with a panicked squeek.

"Hooraaaaaaaaywe're dead now aren't we?" said Mobster.

"Yep," said Shou. "But come to think of it, Asuka must be getting pretty worried about us by know, huh?"

---ooo---

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE-"

BAM! WHAM! SLAP! BANG! BAM!

Asuka was proceeding to beat up a member of the Happy Chorus in the weight room, screaming at the top of her lungs, occasionally kick boxing him when she was especially mad. This was actually her third one, two other beaten up chorus members laying bruised and bleeding on the floor, yet still managing to sing their silly song, while ASV and Double S watched on in both amazement and horror.

"Aaaaah…I feel _so_ okay now…" said Asuka, at last ending the onslaught on the third chorus member, which looked on his way out. That's what you call stress relief!

"Asuka…are you sure you're done?" asked Double S in a timid voice.

"Yep, that felt good!" said Asuka. "Now, back to our situation. Shou is missing. I can handle that. Mobster is missing too. A bit harder, but that will be easy to knock off too. Fubuki is loose in the school. Problem. Chronos is after Shou. Problem. The Ultimate Evil is loose in the school. Definate problem. Dubbers have been spotted on the grounds. _Overwhelming _problem."

"Well, I'm sure that once we find Shou, we can get Chronos of your back," said ASV thoughtfully. "And the Evil One can't be that hard to track down, and once the source is found, the dubbers will be pretty much cake."

"That doesn't change the fact that we have a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it," said Asuka, walking out of the weight room with the two. "I didn't want to do this, but I think we need a bit of help. I didn't want to push it…"

"Push what?" asked Double S, as Asuka pulled a little blue hand button, and pushed it.

"Well, once there was a guy I knew, who was in a bit of a pickle, cause he was short on cash, and needed to pay his tuition bill for the academy," said Asuka. "I bailed him out, and he wanted to return the favor. So if I ever need a hand, all I have to do is push the button, and he'll pop over and see what he can do."

"Like a genie?" asked Double S sweetly.

"Uh…" said Asuka.

---ooo---

Meanwhile, little did Asuka know that she was being targeted by a lone, hit-dubber, who was sitting on a roof and aiming at her through the window. He peered though the aiming lenses, focusing right on her, smilling evily to himself. He took particular pride in his work, being credited with all the most horribly dubbed works in Anime yet. And he was turning his sights toward Asuka, unknowingly soon to be his first victim.

A carnal smile eased itself across his face. This was all too easy. Turning her into a daisy skipping boy fanatic wouldn't take more than an ounce of his plasma based dub amo.

He eagerly felt the machine vibrate in his hands, taking one last look at his target in purest form and-

BAM!

---ooo---

"SORRY MR. CULT PERSON!" screamed Seta from bellow, who, feeling especially friendly at the moment, threw a pencil straight at him, causing it to jam into the triggering mechanism in the Dub-o-matic, exploding in the cult members face, causing him to have a stupid name, and start ranting in sentences with no punctuation. "Now to go find Azusa!"

---ooo---

Meanwhile, far-ish away from Domino High School, atop a very tasteful looking mountain, there-

---ooo---

"Okay, sorry to interrupt, but I think we've finally got it up and running!" said Pegasus ecstatically in an announcer desk. "Okay, here's the chapter title!"

**El Capitulo Diez**

**LA ROPA INTERIOR DE FALLECIMIENTO**

"Sorry, sorry," said Pegasus awkwardly, pulling out a control panel from under the desk. "Hang on, maybe if we press this button…"

---ooo---

Meanwhile, far-ish away from Domino High School, atop a very tasteful looking mountain/cliff, there was a dark and scary mansion thing, which always had a nice black silhouette, and every few moments or so, especially during climatic moments, a huge peal of thunder would sound from behind it, briefly illuminating it.

BOOM!

Like that. Anyway, inside, lounging on a huge, plushy sofa, a man lazily flicked through television channels, finding that once again, everything on television was utter garbage. However, to his horror, a little blue button on an extremely dusty side suddenly started blinking on and off, and then, the mysterious figure turned around, quickly flicking off the television. Then, with one wicked cool move, he bounded out of the chair, and landed right next to the little light, turning it off.

"Today is the day I pay my debt…" said the mysterious guy, quickly rushing over to the closet and tearing out a coat hanger that said 'evil cloak', and with one movement, ripped off the evil cloak and tossed the coat hanger to the side. Then, while putting on the cloak, he slammed open the door, and heroically walking into the backyard where, lying next to the garage, was a go-cart labeled 'Doom Mobile'.

"This is it," said the mysterious figure, hopping into the go-cart and pushing it against the ground to start it rolling. "Ever since six months ago, when I asked Asuka for ninety quid to pay off tuition, I at last can hope to unsaddle the burden of shame, and-NO! RIGHT! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!

BAM!

The go-cart fell off the edge of the mountain/cliff, spiraling down twenty feet, before eventually landing with a sickening sound of metal and wood crushing to the ground, gravity smooshing it toward the Earth's core.

"No wonder why this property was so BEEPIN' cheep…" said the mysterious figure, as one of the tires spun lazily on its axle, which was up in the air. "'Up and coming real estate' deez…"

---ooo---

Meanwhile, our delightfully dim heroine, Bianca, was bouncing merrily down the gym hallway, looking for any form of electrical device to smash. However, since she wasn't exactly keen on identification, she decided to lay to ruins anything that halfway resembled an electrical appliance, even things that happened to be alive.

"Wow, that was the ugliest drying machine I've ever seen!" said Bianca, staring at the twitching mass of patheticness that was the gym teacher. Someone among the karma police finally decided to wail on him. "OOH! A LAMP!"

"NOOOOO!" screamed a random kid getting out of the gym locker, running up the stairs as fast as his legs can carry him.

"WAIT MR. LAMP!" said Bianca, pulling out a metal baseball bat. "I NEED TO BEAT YOU TO A PULP!"

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

To Bianca's shock, or at least, mild curiosity, the-

---ooo---

"Alright, we really think we have it this time, we really do!" said Pegasus, tweedling his thumbs nervously. "I am both very excited, and somewhat frightened. Here we go…"

**Bundan Juu**

**HOUGYO NO SHITABAKI**

"Okay, next time, defiantly," said Pegasus.

---ooo---

To Bianca's shock, or at least, mild curiosity, the boy's locker room, in a burst of light and power, slammed open, and a ghostly, green glow began to radiate from it, as a fog slowly formed, forming a whole, mystic kind of atmosphere, and floating from the room came a pair of…Barney Boxer Briefs.

"AWESOME! I MUST HAVE TAKEN TISH'S ALERGY PILLS INSTEAD OF MINE BY MISTAKE AGAIN!" said Bianca.

"Herro widdle giwl...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKeehee…" cackled the pair of underwear. "I irm de girst of Dowctwo Crimpy…HAAAAAAAAAAAACK…"

"WOO! UNDIES!" said Bianca.

"I kirm to seek horribele rewengie fwom da pweety widdle bronde girl…HAAAAAAAAAAAACK kee hee hee…" said the underwear. "Wir izer Marik…"

"Sorry, Tish never told me to give directions to hallucinations, or eat the gray stuff I find in the drain," said Bianca firmly.

"I weel find yer Marie…KERHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK kee hee…" said the ghostly pair of underwear, quietly floating off to find its victim. What society didn't know was that since Doctor Crumpy was as blind as a fish you could find in Lake Erie, he could easily mistake anyone for his prey. So it was up to one woman, Bianca 'Beelezbarkles' Last Name History Has Thankfully Forgotten to save the world from the most deadly pair of men's underwear known to mankind!

"I WANNA SODA!" said Bianca, bouncing off to the cafeteria. As Grim once said, 'Why does the fate of mankind always fall into the hands of idiots?'

---ooo---

"Alright, the prosecuted will begin," said Serenity. "Madame-ah, sir, please present your case."

"Well, there's not much to say," said Chronos. "For some reason, K-Division Team, that's the team Mr. Shou is a part of, along with his teammate, Asuka, got their hands on the Executioner's Axe, which your idiotic friend now holds in his hand."

"YOU ASKED FOR IT MAN LADY!" said Joey, firing up the Executioner's Axe, about to barbeque Chronos to a pulp.

"Not now Joey, wait for the final verdict," said Serenity, as Joey sighed sadly, deactivating the Axe.

"In fact, just having this man hold it in his hands is a sign that Shou is guilty!" said Chronos. "I have no issue with Mobster to my knowledge, but Shou is one of the lowest ranking students in his class, and he should legally be punished by means of expulsion and execution!"

"Aw, that's cold dude!" said Fubuki.

"Pathetic defense…present your case…" said Serenity dully.

"RIGHT!" said Fubuki. "Don't worry, I have the perfect strategy that will win this case hands down for us!"

"You aren't going to kill anyone are you?" Shou asked pathetically.

"No, maybe…kinda…will I kill anyone…huh, you know, I don't know," said Fubuki.

"Joy," Shou muttered dully to himself.

"RIGHT!" yelled Fubuki, trying to perform a 'Dukes of Hazard' move using the table, unfortunately, having his pants getting caught on a corner of it, causing them to rip off, revealing an oddly white pair of boxer briefs. "Now, I shall begin the defense case, which will be in the defense of these two people, of whom need to be defended…in this case…which is happening right now…unless of course, you believe there is no such thing as linear time, and there really is no such thing as the present and-"

"Stop stalling," said Serenity sharply.

"RIGHT!" said Fubuki. "Now, I shall pull out my defense plan from this way-swank briefcase!"

Fubuki winked and gave the two a thumbs up, while Mobster rolled her eyes, and Shou slapped his hand against his forehead.

"Now then," said Fubuki. "For my opening move, I will ask how many people in the jury will be easily bribed."

"FUBUKI!" yelled Shou, as more than three quarters of the people in the room put their hands in the air.

"Right, setting that aside," said Fubuki. "How do you know that THAT is the real Chronos?"

"Uh…what?" said Serenity.

"How do you know that Chronos is actually Chronos?" asked Fubuki. "Why, once, I was stuck in a situation just like this, it must have been about one year ago…"

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"WALKIN', I'M WALKIN', I'M WALKIN', OH YEAH!" said Fubuki, walking on a weird looking transportation machine he invented himself, which was a kinky cross between a skateboard, a bike, a wagon, and was powered by him walking on a belt he ripped out from his mom's treadmill. "I'M CRUISIN' BABY! GETCHER MOTOR RUNNIN' BER BERBERBER BER BER, CRUISIN' ON THE HIGHWAY!"

"_Fubuki…Fubuki…_" said a voice from the sky, as the clouds began to part, and there was a huge beam of light coming from the sky, as a gospel chorus sung somewhere in the background. "_Fubuki, you have been chosen to lead your people to a new age of prosperity…_"

"HEY! I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPPINION BUDDY!" yelled Fubuki to the sky, as he was then zapped by a bolt of lightening, throwing him off the weird transportation vehicle, up ten feet in the air, causing him to land about fifteen feet away from his transportation thingy, completely burnt to a crisp.

"WOW! I think I shattered every bone in my body!" said Fubuki. "Oh well! At least I can ride my-"

That's when his transportation vehicle got nailed by a stampeding heard of wildebeest, horses, cats, and other random animals.

"BEEP IT!" yelled Fubuki.

"Excuse me young man," said an old lady who was walking by. "May I have your gallbladder please?"

"TWELVE THIRTY!" screamed Fubuki, punching the old lady in the face. Then, with a kooky kind of laugh, he skipped away.

_Back to Reality Effects_

"And that ends my wonderful story," said Fubuki.

Everyone was silent.

"MY FATHER USED TO BE A CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPTAAAAAAIN…" Fubuki began to sing.

"We are so doomed it's not funny," said Mobster.

---ooo---

"Right, now, we're going to do some…doctory things…" said Marik uneasly, fishing throught the drawers of obscure medical instruments that he didn't have a clue how to use. "Okay…this is a stethoscope, right?"

"That's a thermometer Doctor Crumpy…" said Yugi, pointing to the mercury thermometer that Marik had in his hand. "Wow, it must be hard to keep track of everything when you're two hundred and seventy six…"

"Uh, yeah," said Marik, quickly throwing the thermometer back into the drawer and ripping out a battle axe dating from the Masai tribe, which Doctor Crumpy aquired in 1853. "Now we're going to test the reflexes…around your neck. So I must ask you to take off your Millenium Puzzle, because I don't want to clean up the bl-I mean for no reason."

"I can't take it off!" said Yugi sweetly.

"Who's the doctor here?" asked Marik.

"But Doctor Crumpy, I can't!" said Yugi. "You see, this puzzle contains the spirit of a long lost pharaoh, who sacrificed his soul to save the world, and sealed it in the Millenium Puzzle forever and ever! But it's my job to keep it on so that whenever he gets bored, he can control my entire body for every sick and decadent whimsy that he pleases."

"Yeah, seen it, heard it, lived it," said Marik. "Now take off your puzzle so I can hack your head off."

"Actually…before that…I have a question to ask," said Yugi.

"Well make it quick, I want to decapitate you this century punk boy," said Marik.'

"Well…" Yugi leaned close to Doctor Crumpy. "Lately I've been feeling very strange. I've been having all these weird dreams that make me feel funny, and I can't stop thinking about girls. Is that normal?"

"Uh…" said Marik.

"And sometimes, for some reason, I just get so moody, and sometimes I get really lonely and sad, and lately, I've been reading a lot of angsty poetry and-"

"Yeahyeahyeah, HEAD HACKING TIME!" said Marik, who was about to slice off Yugi's head in one blow when-

FOOMP!

The extremely loose doctor outfit fell off, revealing normal Marik right under it, wearing nothing but a pair of plaid underpants. Marik sweatdropped, not really knowing how he was going to get out of this one.

---ooo---

You must be getting pretty tired of cliffies by now huh? MUA HA HA HA HA!

Next week, the case continues in the court of Judge Serenity, Bianca fights off the remains of Doctor Crumpy's Soul, and we finally meet the mysterious person who owes Asuka ninety smackers! What horrors will come next? Find out next time!

---ooo---

**ChapterTen**

**THE BOXER BRIEFS OF DEMISE**

"YES!" Pegasus cried. "We did it! We did it! We finally-"

"DUDE! The chapter's over!" said Alister angrily.

"It is…nuts…" said Pegasus. "There better be some overtime cash for this…"


	11. Five Bucks Says the Kid in the Bathing S

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for:

Comfy Boots  
Monty Python  
My fantastic family (including my pets) and  
My fabo reviewers

WOOT! Okay everyone, we've made it past ten chapters. Yay! (Claps) And thank goodness I recovered from a stomach bug which AGAIN my brother gives me so I can enjoy pigging out on THANKSGIVING! And it's officially the start of the Christmas Season, which means that Mum will spend all of Black Friday watching HGTV specials. On a much nastier note, Fubuki gets dubbed ATTICUS! WHO THE BEEPIN BEEP NAMES A KID ATTICUS? It makes him sound like a 'Little House on the Prairie' reject!

Some of my reviewers are missing. Like An Angel in Tears and Lefthandedfreak and a few others. Sniff…I MISS THEM!

Thank you as always to the fabuloso reviewers!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

Again, I was smart enough never to go near one again. Though my reaction was quite similar to yours…

Fortunately, I don't think there are many Kaiba fangirls in my school (most of my friends fangirl over their own characters), so I'm pretty safe. But one day it will dawn on my brother, and I will need to dig up some serious black mail material to keep him quiet, cause if there are fangirls, I don't want to butt heads with any of them.

BEEPIN LIVE JOURNAL! I think you have to sign up for it or something. And the story to me…SO SWEET! I still need to read more of Bananawing's story, for some reason she seems to update every three minutes so it's hard to keep track o.O. Anyway, thanks as usual for the review! HENJOY DER INSANITY!

Shadow Cat

Jeez, not that many people put it so bluntly!

In the future, could you please try to make your flames a little wittier than three sentences? You aren't going to destroy many authors' self esteems if you do them so darn short! You didn't even yell at my grammar or anything! Tisk tisk…where's the fun in that?

Bilbo-sama

I was thinking more sixty ish myself…

NOT THE EUKELALE OF DOOM! AND FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN AND EARTH WHO NAMES A KID ATTICUS? I can't get over that! Fubuki to ATTICUS? What the BEEPIN' BEEPIN' beepbeepbeepbeeepbeep are those dubbers thinking? Yeesh!

I'm actually familiar with RPGs, (NEVERWINTER NIGHTS ROCKS! (bonks Nathyra and Deekin)) and I was kinda hopin the LJ community was some sort of online RPG because I'm trying to find a good one, and they're all absolute CRAP!

I'll read you fic of DOOM as soon as I can! And could you do me a favor? What happened on the last two episodes on Thursday and Friday? I was out pigging out on Turkey on Thursday, and on Friday, Mom needed the TV to watch all of the Christmas specials on HGTV. Thanks! PEACE! Enjoy the next chappie!

LeDiva

What better for a crusty old doctor to come back as?

Yes indeed, I'm sure that whoever Yugi opens up too ends up hospitalized in the funny farm soon afterwards. Nuthin' like a little bit of Fubuki to brighten up any fic! He's probably the most insane character I've introduced yet, and that's saying something!

Thanks for the fun review! Hope you enjoy the insanity!

Pink-kiss-candy

Judge Serenity actually does remind me of Judge Judy/Trudy, and as usual, Marik just keeps on screwing up. Hey, since when have hallucinations ever made sense? I once got sick with a cold and hallucinated that my bed sheets were trying to strangle me!

You flatter me (smiles)! I blame all the influence of Brittish comedy. And I really like you're observation 'this fic is insane, but it is the most sane of them'. It really got me thinking. THANKS A BUNCH! Please enjoy!

Amarie Miriel

Coincidence indeed! A couple of people in my school have the same birthdays that aren't alike at all, and I'm like 'That's gotta be so weird shraring a birthday with someone!' But then again, if like a kid is born every three seconds, then there's gotta be millions of people out there who share your birthday. Even in the US.

'The something something of something'…I'm not good with anagrams either. I just make them. And the third language is Japanese baby!

'Fack', that sounds like a new gansta street slang term of something. And I'm glad you didn't find the courtroom scene repetitive. Thank you so much for the review as always! Enjoy even more insanity!

Princess Mika of the Shadows

Wow…I'm glad Yami liked the Seto Plushie…I thought it would tick him off…

The mental picture of Mokuba running around with a pair of underwear on his head is SHMEGGIN' HILARIOUS! Whoa, what was your speech about? It sounds cool...I mean, with mention of the shadow realm and all…

Princess Mononoke is WICKED AWESOME! It's by the same man behind 'Howls Moving Castle' and 'Spirited Away' and IT KICKS ARSE! WOOT! Seriously, it was pretty good. Though it had lots of people with their arms getting ripped off, and their heads falling off…

CHAPTER TITLE PERSON! (Bonks Pegasus) TANKIE SPANKIES FOR THE SUPER FUN REVIEW AS ALWAYS! Hope you enjoy this bought of insanity!

RockinMuffin

Ah yes, mildly acquainted.

That…was…so…SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Seriously, that review was soooooooo nice! I'm glad you think that all of my OC's are good, and that I'm creative. Two of the best complements anyone can give me!

That review really made up for being flamed by Shadow Cat. (Who IS she/he?) So…THANKYOUSOVERYMUCHAGAIN! (Dumps chocolate on you) I hope That you hae people who's reviews make you as happy as yours has to me! Please enjoy this chapter too!

Gothangelmyu

FINALLY, SOMEONE MENTIONS THEY LIKES THE FLASHBACK! Thanks so much!

Best chapters yet? Wow, that's so nice! Yugi is a bit naive though, isn't he? It's a bit scary actually. He's kind of like Ryo in the last story…but anyways.

YAYZ! THHANKS FOR THE REVIEW SO VERY MUCH! Hope you think this chapter is good too!

Pointe Master

Yay! Someone missed me! THANKIES! And I'm glad you liked it when the chapter title was announced at the end of the story!

THANK YOU AND ENJOY!

ShadowFire2

Yeah, I get the same nasty mental imagery whenever I try to imagine who anyone else's parents were on the show. Especially characters like Weevil or Rex. Those are REALLY hard pills to swallow.

That would be very funny, but the whole purpose of the power of Dub is to make things lame, so making a sweet character into Jack the Ripper would be way too cool. But then, it would make a really great plot twist, and drive the school into total chaos (keeps ranting to herself).

Thank you for reviewing! I hope you like this chapter too!

**Chapter Eleven**

**FIVE BUCKS SAYS THE KID IN THE BATHING SUIT WINS**

_In which the Doom Mobile meets a tragic end._

"Dr…Crumpy…" said Yugi uneasily.

"Uh…depends…" said Marik, now fully exposed to be what he really is, a sad little Egyptian man in plaid underwear, trying to quickly get back into the doctor's costume.

"YOU LOOK SO YOUNG!" said Yugi. "Oh, I get it! That diet you worked on really did work, and you came in convincing me that you were a hot Egyptian person so that I would be surprised that you had grown six inches, lost one hundred pounds, wear a midriff, and died your hair blonde!"

"Uh…okay!" said Marik.

"How did you do it?" asked Yugi.

"Uh…Atkins…" said Marik.

"COOL!" said Yugi. "Okay, you wanted to get examining me now, right?"

"OH YEAH!" said Marik, lifting up the axe, laughing insanely, getting ready for a mad, killing spree.

---ooo---

Meanwhile, Bianca happily sipped her Mountain Dew which she managed to pull out from the charred remains of the vending machines that Shou and Mobster made explode in Chapter Five/Six, completely forgetting she had to destroy every electrical item in the school.

Suddenly, she stopped in mid sip.

"OHMYGODTHATUNDERWEARISGOINGTOKILLSOMETHING!" she screamed, running full speed down the hall, hunting down the possessed pair of underwear, causing her soda to clunk to the floor.

---ooo---

"Isn't this fun kids!" said Pegasus happily, jogging along the track outside. "Doesn't it make you just want to scream 'This is really, really good?'"

"No, it makes me…want to…scream…period…" managed to pant Zigfried, who was jogging behind on the track with Dartz, forced into it by their inspirational novel crazed uncle.

"Ah…hello…everyone…" Dartz managed to pant, talking to the reader. "Perhaps you have…forgotten, but…me and…Ziggy…and Peg…asus…are still here…among the…living. But…it's been a…while hasn't it?"

"Who the heck…are you talking to…" Ziggy managed to pant.

"No one…you stupid German…git…" said Dartz.

"You know…_Germans _invented…mental instability…" said Ziggy. Dartz groaned. They had recently gotten into these arguments whenever there was mentioned of a certain thing, and it always turned into a battle of which nationality invented more stuff.

"Look idiot, the Atlantians invented the first mental instability case, because _I _was there to witness it!" said Dartz.

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"Are you sure that you would like to be the candidate for our studies of how mental instability would aide mankind in general Mr. Walawalawala?" asked an ancient Greek-looking doctor, holding a huge mallet.

"Yes," said a random man sitting in the street, while Dartz was passing by, carrying some things he bought at the market. "I figure it's about time I find someway to help the Atlantean Population in general!"

"Well, whatever!" said the doctor, who began banging the man on the head screaming 'NEEWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPEDODOO! ARK PROX NYAAAAK!' over again in a very sill fashion, waving a rubber chicken around and breaking into a song about a little goblin.

What history didn't know however was that after this man was studied, he would one day move to Europe, become a professional hen teaser in modern-day Germany, have a daughter, divorce his wife to marry a fridge, while this daughter's great great great great oh so many great grandson would one day move to America to become a table lamp, marry a woman who was voted 'most likely to succeed when it comes to being a ping pong ball that goes boooooing' in high school, and their great great granddaughter would be…SHRILANKA-SAN, WRITTER OF THIS FIC!

_Back to Reality Effects_

"YOU LIAR!" screamed Ziggy. "GERMANS INVENTED ZEE FIRST MENATAL INSTABILITY CASE!"

"DID NOT!" screamed Dartz.

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"I FEEL EMOTIONALLY EMPOWERED!"

"SHUT UP PEGASUS! DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

Etc., Etc.,…

However, what they didn't know was that lurking in the dark and scarry forest convieniently located right next to the track, due to the fact that the school is a stupid as heck and built it right next to a curse forest, something watched it's new, noisy prey…

---ooo---

"-so naturally the only thing I can stress more in this case is that the rules specifically state that perpetrators of the law at their squad are condemned!" said Chronos. "The prosecution rests."

"Good," said Serenity. "Now, please present your case or whatever defense…"

"RIGHT!" said Fubuki, then he quickly turned to the two.

"What are we going to do?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Well, when I'm in trouble, I usually try to lay the blame on someone else, preferably weaker and less likely to verbally defend himself!" said Mobster.

"BRILLIANT WOMAN!" said Fubuki. "Now, who in this room is least likely to defend themselves in a time of crisis and sudden accusation?"

"Sorry I'm late everyone!" said Ryo sweetly, walking into the room. "I was just getting over the devastating emotional trauma of being dragged through a mystical portal to the netherworld!"

"AH HA! GUILTY!" screamed Fubuki.

"WAIT! NO!" screamed Mobster in horror. "YOU CAN'T HURT HIM! HE'S BRITISH!"

"That's what he wants us to think!" Fubuki screamed accusingly. "Because in fact, he isn't British at all. In fact…he's…CANADIAN!"

Everyone in the stands gasped in horror.

"Yes, Canadians! The nation that is well known to…uh…"

He stopped to think for a moment.

"-DO MEAN THINGS TO CATS!" he cried at last.

Everyone in the crowd gasped again.

"And uh...NEVER PUT THE SEAT DOWN!"

Even more gasps from the stands.

"And…WORSHIP THE DEVIL!" scramed Fubuki.

"Hey, my girlfriend's Canadian, and she doesn't worship the devil!" said one guy in the back indignantly.

"Dude, she's probably lying as a relationship-strengthening thing!" said Fubuki.

"What?" said the guy.

"Okay, okay, you don't believe he worships the devil? I'll prove it to you!" said Fubuki, zipping over to Ryo. "Ryo, what's…your favorite color?"

"Straight ochre!" said Ryo.

"AH HA!" screamed Fubuki. "Got you, you little not-an-angel boy! Everyone knows that straight ochre is the devil's favorite color!"

"Prove it!" someone yelled from the back.

"FINE!" said Fubuki, ripping out a book entitled 'Holy Writings for Ding-Dongs'. "And I quote, 'And he took him on high mountain and said…ochre is my favorite color'. THERE! PROVEN!"

"What page?" asked someone in the crowd.

"Whoops, lost it," said Fubuki, quickly slamming it shut. "NOW THEN! Since this Canadian FOOL is in this court, it is clear that he has come to gloat over the fact that these TWO INNOCENT WUSSY KIDS are completely and utterly innocent!"

"That makes no sense!" said Ryo.

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE DEVIL WOULD SAY PANSY BOY!" yelled Fubuki right in front of Ryo's face, causing huge, bubbling tears to well up in his eyes, causing him to be pushed on the verge of utter tears.

"YOU…MADE…A BRITISH…PERSON….CRYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

The source of the devastatingly homicidal sounding voice from the previous sentence came from Mobster, who looked like she was possessed by a homicidal yami, but in truth, only her massive love that borderlines fanatical devotion to all things cuddly and British, but mostly British.

"Uh oh…" said Shou, knowing that a tone of voice so despicably bloodcurdling as that one was never a good sign, who ducked under the table.

"

"**_SUCH AN UNHOLY ACT I SHALL NOT TOLERATE!_**" screamed Mobster, who looked like she was going to burst into flames at any second. "**_BRITISH PEOPLE ARE GIFTS OF GOD! AND IF YOU EVEN HALF WAY OFFEND ONE, YOU ARE COMMITING ACTS OF TREASON AGAINST GOD HIMSELF! I WILL NOT LET YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!_**"

"I'll wail on any nationality I want!" yelled Fubuki.

"I think I should just go and sit down now…" said Ryo, trying to sneak away, but failing because Fubuki had him in a vice grip.

With that, Mobster ripped off her clothes with a war cry, revealing a kind of odd-looking female wrestling costume underneath it. To answer her challenge, Fubuki also roared out loud, and ripped off his clothes, revealing a woman's one-piece pink bathing suit underneath it.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" yelled people from the stands, as Mobster dive bombed Fubuki, and the wrestling match between members of the defense battled out in a rip snorting bloodbath to the finish.

"Okay, I've had enough," said Serenity, toying with her gavel. "Joey, break them up."

"Five bucks says the one with the bathing suit wins!" said Joey.

"YOU'RE ON!" yelled Serenity. "COME ON MOBSTER, GIVE HIM THE FULL NELSON!"

"FUBUKI! WATCH OUT FOR HER-SLIP OUT! SLIP OUT!" screamed Joey, as the two joined in on the cat calling of the fight, as both Shou and Ryo had sweatdrops so huge, they were twice the size of their actual heads.

---ooo---

Meanwhile, the rouge pair of underwear that we tried to fit into the title of chapter ten but due to circumstances beyond our control we couldn't, but we really did try so please don't be mad at us because we really did, was slowly drifting through the hallway, already have emotionally destroyed several young people, mistaking them all for Marik, due to the fact that Mr. Crumpy had terrible eyesight, not to mention that he had the memory span quite similar to that of a goldfish.

"Now ye neer notta go 'round steeleen people's clothies right? KEERRheehee…" said the floating pair of boxer briefs, as a innocent bystander cowered in the corner.

"NO! PLEASE!" screamed the bystander. "Go away! I didn't do anything to you man!"

"Time to go bye bye just like me…KERHAAAAAAAAAAkeehee…" said the possessed lingerie, honing in for the final assault.

"NOT SO FAST!"

There, standing at the end of the hallway, in an incredibly heroic yet stupid-looking battle ready position, wearing a cowboy hat she managed to steal out of the drama club chest, Bianca stood, her feet spread apart, holding a huge shoulder gamma cannon, ready to incinerate the underwear.

"Hello der young lady…KERHAAAAAAAAAAACK!" screamed the underwear.

"How dare you?" said Bianca. "Underwear is a tool for good, always there to protect and aide people in the undergarment aspects of life! BUT YOU TURN THEM INTO TOOLS OF EVIL!"

"What?" asked the underwear, who did we mention was a bit hard of hearing.

"GIT OUT OF MAH TOWN YOU FILTH!" said Bianca. "PR3P4R3 T0 H4F J00R 6UTZ R34R4N63D!"

"SPEAK UP!" said the underwear, but that was number four on the top ten worst things to say when a gamma cannon right in front of you is firing up and ready to split your molecules…

---ooo---

"My God, what are they making these things out of nowadays?" asked Tish to herself, trying to chop down a telephone pole with the hopes of dismantling the power line, which was a hard thing when she could only karate chop it down due to the fact that she left all of her wicked cool weapons at the hotel they checked in. "When I was sixteen, I could chop down one of these suckers in an instant. Darn technological advancements…"

However, she stopped in mid chop when she saw a very peculiar yet familiar looking figure heading to the school parking lot. He was tall, wearing an evil cloak, with bluish black hair, and he was dragging along what appeared to be the crushed and broken remains of a go-cart along on barely two wheels, only to see that it was full. He cursed quietly to himself, dragging it to a parking meter, and pulling out a flowered coin purse from his pants.

"OI! RYOU MARUFUJI (_A/N _Last reminder, that's Zaine's original name)! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE NEW YEARS!" said Tish, giving him a wave, as Ryou turned around, only managing to find a quarter and two nickels in his coin purse.

"Tish?" said Ryou. "Huh. I thought you were still in the academy."

"Graduated two months ago!" said Tish cheerfully, as the telephone pole went down, dragging two other ones with it. "First mission!"

"Uh…" said Ryou, looking at the destroyed telephone poles that were now sparking and crackling.

"So what brings you around here? You on a mission too?" asked Tish.

"Actually, no," said Ryou. "I just got a request for backup from Asuka."

"Asuka's around?" said Tish, pleasantly surprised. "Wow, if she is, you'd think that we'd have bumped into each other by now! Especially if Shou's around with her…"

That's when from the school building, a huge gamma beam fired right through one of the walls, just barely missing Ryou, but unfortunately (fortunately to some) hit it's mark right on Ryou's Doom Mobile, completely ripping it's atoms apart before you could say 'I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico'.

The two stared in silence as the craters smoldered for a bit.

"You remember Bianca, right?" said Tish.

"She…destroyed my Doom Mobile…" said Ryou, almost sadly.

"Let me guess, you're short on cash again, aren't you?" said Tish calmly.

---ooo---

"DANGIT! I MISSED!" yelled Bianca at the top of her lungs, where a huge hole was about five inches away from the floating underwear.

"Now…I murst seek my revenge…KEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKheehee…" said the ghostly pair of underwear, which from a nasty turn of fate, fased right through the wall, which made them straight on the way to the nurses office.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Bianca, running through the wall after him, leaving a bemused kid sitting in the middle of the hallway, wondering what the heck happened.

---ooo---

Behind every great, or at least mildly mediocre cult, there is an unscrupulous leader who's great spiritual powers master the fate of every one of his loyal servants to his cause. But for an unstoppable power to rule such a vast empire of pencil-obsessed clansmen, he must rule with both a fist of promise for his people, but a more important element that often drowns out the others is the undeniable aura of fear.

"You highest Excellency, Master of Fate…" cackled a cult member, who was hidden behind his great red cloak, with a symbol in the shape of a wonky pencil, giving him the tell-tale signs of being a member very close to the leader of the cult. He was speaking to a huge curtain made of sheer, red cloth, which silhouetted a figure of what appeared to be a huge, ornamental chair, the one sitting in it unclear. No member of the cult had ever seen their true master's face.

"…the one who you ordered to your chambers…has arrived…"

"Bring him in…" hissed a soft voice from behind the cloak.

"Yes master…" said the official, gliding over to the door, and with one knarled, withered looking hand, pulled open one of the huge, carved, gold-leafed door, which cast an eerie orange glow in the torch lights surrounding the circular throne room. Two high cultsmen dragged in a pathetic, sobbing lump of a man, screaming and begging for them to free him. Oblivious to his cries of pain, they threw him to the hard, white and blach checkered stone floors, now facing the whim of the master of his face.

"Bunny Nose, is it?" hissed the voice from behind the curtain.

"Y-y-yes…" said the cult member, "oh Great Master! Spare me! I did n-"

"I asked you to dub Shou and Asuka…and you failed…" said the voice in a faint, harsh whisper.

"NO! I tried! I mean, they had-"

"You know well the rules of our cult," hissed the voice. "Failure is one of the greatest sins a man can possibly commit. And with every failure, a punishment must be dealt. And you have failed in the most basic duty of all…dubbing the unsuspecting."

"But I have served you perfectly in the past!" said Bunny Nose. "I swear! I-"

"SILENCE!" lashed the voice sharply. "Now you cover up you failures with excuses! You dare defile your master's orders! YOU DEFY HIS VERY WORD!"

"NO! I BEG YOU!" screamed Bunny Nose, trembling wildly, tears streaming down his eyes.

"You know the punishment for failure…" hissed the voice. "You soul is now to be banished to the very dimension where we draw our power…the Wastelands of Notorg!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

However, from the circular glass roof of the sky, the sky erupted into a driving column of red light, which struck down with the force of a thousand comments, blinding all in the room in an endless sea of the dark power from which the dubbers gained the power…a land where a soul lost all human power…and dissolved into the horror…

"May that be a lesson to all of you…the punishment for failure is worse than death itself…" hissed the voice.

---ooo---

"Wh…where…am…" said Bunny Nose. Suddenly, his eyes dialated in horror, after he finaly realized just where his soul was now…

"Golly gee!" said a bunch of people simultaneously in a huge, green field willed with flowers under a huge, blue sky, a happy smiling sun, and happy forest animals that looked like something from 'Mary Poppins', the men all wearing white blazers, pants, and frilly shirts, the women all wearing various colored sundresses. "You're just in time for tea new friend!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

---ooo---

"Alright, seeing as second period ends in a few minutes, it's about time we start raping up the case," said Serenity, digging around looking for the black cap. "Any last words from both the prosecution and the defense?"

"Pain…" said Mobster and Fubuki, who were both thoroughly beat up.

"This really speaks for itself," said Crowler.

"Too true!" said Serenity. "Jury, your verdict please?"

As the representative of the jury got up, Shou suddenly realized that there were so many things in life that he'd never be able to experience…graduation…marriage….kids...the American Baseball League actually having fair pay restrictions so someone other than the Yankees and the Red Socks would win for once…

"We, the members of the Jury of Second Period Computer Class find Shou Marufuji and Mobster both, completely, one hundred percent…guilty."

"DANG! I KNEW THEY WOULD HAVE PREFERED THE FOUR STRING AND PIANO CONCHARTO IN D MINOR INSTEAD OF 'GET OFF OF MY CLOUD'!" yelled Fubuki angrily, from behind a keyboard that he had set on the defense table.

"Fine then!" said Serenity. "Shou Marufuji and Mobster, I herby sentence you both to-"

Suddenly, Serenity was stopped abruptly as a gust of wind burst a window from the side of the room open, and as 'Marry Poppins' music played in the background as floating on through the window holding an umbrella was our favorite nutty professor, Daitokuji-sensei (_A/N _Professor Banner in the dub. Yes, I'm getting as tired of this as you are…)and his wicked-cool cat, Pharaoh.

"Hello Kids!" said the professor. "I am the Squad leader of the Underground Ministry of Prevention of Mass Destruction and Butter Churning, and I am here with an announcement that may change the whole basis of this case!"

"SHOU!" yelled Asuka, bursting through the door, the two winged chibis following her. "THANK GOD! I was running all over the place looking for-"

"HAPPY HAPPY-"

"ZIP IT!" yelled Asuka at the happy chorus.

"Told you that you could be inconspicuous," said ASV.

"SHUT UP!" said Mobster.

"Well isn't this nice!" said Daitokuji-sensei. "Anyway, what I came to say is that we've decided the old 'expell and kill' rule is getting a little out of hand…plus we can't kill off a main character in a comedy fic, I mean really, it's just not done! So the punishment for letting dangerous weapons into the hands of idiots has been turned into a verbal warning, quick slap on the wrist, but otherwise completely let off. Bye bye!"

With that, the Mary Poppins music started up again, and with his umbrella, Ditokuji-sensei fluttered out the window with Pharaoh.

"Well…whatever, one slap on the wrist, verbal warning, yatta yatta," said Serenity dully to herself.

"Naughty naughty, don't ever do it again!" said Joey, giving Shou and Mobster a quick slap on the wrist.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shou sobbed sadly.

"Good to have you back," said Asuka, as Shou ran over and hugged her. "And what have we discussed about the hugging?"

"By the way, I found your case rather amusing," said Serenity. "Especially your two rodeo clowns."

"WHERE?" Mobster and Fubuki said, looking in opposite directions.

"This whole little incident is writing itself in my head," said Asuka with a sigh. "Well, whatever, one problem in my burden of troubles is gone. Come on, let's go find Ryou-"

"RYOU'S HERE!" cried Shou in horror.

"Well actually yeah, you see-" Asuka started.

"AAAAH!" screamed Shou, grabbing his head in panic and running wildly around the room.

"Shou, hang on-" said Asuka, trying to calm him down.

"AAAH!" screamed Shou, still running around the room.

"Shou, stop, you need to-"

"AAAH!"

"_Shou_…"

"AAAAH!"

"SHOU!"

"AAAAH!"

"PUMPKIN SPICE COOKIE?" said Fubuki, offering a huge tray of cookies out to ASV and Double S.

"I'm not supposed to take cookies from strangers…" said Double S.

"Is that a safety pin?" asked ASV, pointing to one of them.

---ooo---

"YAY! So you're saying that this can really loosen up stiff joints?" asked Yugi, tied down to a table, as Marik was sharpening several huge, impaling sort of knives.

"Believe me, after this, you won't feel a thing," said Marik, wearing a black executioner's head mask.

"OKAY!" said Yugi.

Marik giggled like a school boy ready to do something really naughty, but then, phasing through the wall was the pair of underwear haunted by the ghost of Doctor Crumpy, surrounded by a green field of phantasmagorical evilness.

"Marik Ishtar…KERHAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKeehee…" said an eerie, ghostly voice from the underwear.

"Yes?" said Marik, stupidly turning around.

"Mahua Whawhata?" asked Yugi.

"I am the ghost of Doctor Crumpy…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKeehee…" said the ghost. "I herv come to weak horrible vengeance upern Merikle…HEEEEEEKhee…"

"What are you talking about, he's Doctor Crumpy!" said Yugi sweetly, pointing to Marik from under his chains.

"That is a mere platinum blonde, overly tanned Egyptian pretty boy with a rare but serious skin disease...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKeehee…." said Doctor Crumpy. "My body is stuffed rather poorly in a medical closet!"

"So _that_ explains that!" said Yugi, indicating both of Doctor Crumpy's arms drooping out of a medicine cabinet. "I thought Doctor Crumpy accidentally injected a kid with the blue liquid again!"

"NOW YOU ALL SHALL ALL BE FORCED TO TERRIBLE REVENGE, AND YER SHEEL SUFFER, AS I HAFF…HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKheehee…" said Doctor Crumpy's ghost. Just then, really odd sounding organ music began playing in the backround, and the room slowly began to feel colder and colder, as a grave wind came blew the windows open, causing the room to echo with the screech of the wind, mixed by terribly dark power from supernatural undergarments…

"My Ra, I hate mornings like this…" said Marik to himself.

"PERISH FOOLS…KERHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

By a lucky twist of fate, both Yugi and Marik were saved from a horrible death by extraordinary powers when Odion, finally managing to get a grip on his own sanity, managed to drag himself into the room. Seeing Marik and Yugi cry in horror at the sight of their impending demise, he pretty much go the whole situation, and with a drunken, very lopsided walk, he managed to walk over to the underwear, and while it was preoccupied, ripped it in half.

That's when the howling wind stopped, the sun shone again, and little birds chirped and everything was back to normal.

"Well, that was anti-climatic," said Marik.

"By Doctor Crumpy!" said Yugi, skipping out of the reckage-strewn room, humming a happy tune while heading off to his next class.

"He must be the shame of the family, just like you," said Odion.

"Thanks for saving me Odion!" said Marik, ripping off his doctors outifit.

"Oh no problem, I'm pretty much doomed to dig you out of any sick little whimsy you fall into, which all tend to be very stupid, and I certainly can't help it if you have the mental capacity of a coconut and the problem solving ability of a single-celled organism," said Odion.

"Yeah, but now that the jigs up about how Doctor Crumpy's dead, what are we going to tell the secretary?" asked Marik.

"Leave that to me," said Odion. "I already told her the truth, and she said that she'd hire someone new right away."

---ooo---

"So you're saying this can really loosen up stiff joints?" asked Joey, tied down to a platform with all kinds of daggers strewn about, as well as weird assortments of herbs and animals were burning in incense trays.

"Believe me child," said a witch-doctor looking old lady with a tribal mask on. "By the time I'm done, you won't feel a thing."

"SWEET!" said Joey.

---ooo---

"And then…I'm not kidding…I got turned into a strawberry!" said Stephenie, who was lying on the coach in the school psychiatrist's office. "It was the grosses feeling ever! I mean, I'm allergic to strawberries, and then I become one…it's…"

The psychiatrist was just writing 'This kid has issues, this kid has issues' over and over again on the page.

---ooo---

I know the ending was a little rushed…but I've been pressed for time lately. Too much turkey and relatives. Not to mention Mom's mad Christmas decorating spree.

Next time, Marik has the stupidest plan yet to steal the puzzle, Chronos thinks up another dastardly plan to get Shou into trouble with the law, and worst of all, a new horror is unleashed in the school that is cold, deadly, and PINK! What could happen next? See you next week!


	12. There's Something about Marika

_Ways to Destroy a Math Teacher's Self Esteem #19: Draw little pictures of ducks all over the blackboard, and make them all say 'PISTON ENGINE!'_

Right! Due to the fact that FF dot net is being a BUTTHEAD, I can't answer all of my lovely reviewers queries in this little section before the story. The Admin of this site will soon get a particularly nasty visit from my flying, fuzzy bunny hoards, but until then, I shall still reply to all of your lovely reviews if you log in. As for the unknown someones…you're a mite out of luck.

One other thing, and this is **INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE**, to erase any future confusion, Ryo Bakura, as in the cute little semi-albino, will have his name spelt WITHOUT a u, while Ryou Marufuji, Shou's older and not bad looking at all older brother's first name will be spelt WITH a u. Got it? Good. I just want to keep the impending confusion in check.

Did you get your response Bilbo-sama? I wondered if I logged out too early…

RIGHT! Onto the story again, but still, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all that reviewed anyway!

**Chapter Twelve**

**THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIKA**

_In which Asuka and Shou make the most horrible mistake in the world._

"Aw crap!" said Marik, as he and Odion walked through the halls together. "Now we're really stuck Odion! We've wasted more than two hours of the morning, and I've just run out of witty plans to steal the puzzle!"

"None of them, in honest confession, we're very witty to start with," said Odion.

"Quiet Odion, I'm thinking!" said Marik.

Silence.

"I got nothing…" said Marik.

"I bet," said Odion.

"WAIT! I GOT IT!" yelled Marik. "What is the single thing on the planet that a man can not resist?"

"Bacon?" asked Odion.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeees, but something else!" said Marik.

"Beer and a football game?" asked Odion.

"Uuuuh…we're talking more _younger_ men Odion," said Marik.

"Gorgeous women?" asked Odion.

"EXACTLY!" said Marik. "So if we can somehow find a gorgeous woman to make Yugi take off his puzzle, then we're in the clear! It's so simple it's genius! Why didn't I see it before?"

"One problem Einstein," said Odion. "We need to find a gorgeous woman."

"GOOD POINT!" said Marik. "The fact that we have no cash, and we have no connections with any gorgeous women is a bit of a stumbling block."

"What do you mean 'we' Mr. 'Went to the prom with a mop?'," said Odion.

"Quiet Od-I HAVE IT! We'll make one!"

"Uh, that's a bit of a biological impossibility Marik…" said Odion.

"Is it?" said Marik, smiling evilly to himself.

----ooo---

"DANGIT SHOU, STOP FLAILING AROUND SO MUCH!" yelled Asuka, dragging Shou down the hall, who was still kicking and screaming at the though that in the future, he'd have to meet the person of his nightmares. "He's just your older brother! It's not like I'm feeding you to a rabid lion!"

"That's easy for you to say!" said Shou. "Your older brother's cool! Mine's a way-too-perfect, aloof, self esteem destroying…THING!"

"Still overreacting Shou…" said Asuka. "And I'd prefer aloof over insane any day of the week."

"Ditto," said ASV, as Mobster and Fubuki were reading a joke book they stole from some kid's backpack, and Double S was croqueting a scarf with little kitties on it and walking at the same time.

"No way! Insane is much better then aloof!" said Shou. "They're not only more supportive, but their more fun at parties!"

"Aloof people don't pay a kid they find on the street your new laptop to see the kid swallow a horned lizard, and then sell your cell phone to buy a horned lizard at the pet store and swallow it for the price of eighteen black licorice jelly beans!" said Asuka bitterly.

"Your just smug because you at least like your older brother, and mine's a creepy creep!" said Shou. "I mean let's face it…YOU LOVE EACH OTHER!"

"Hey, Asuka, there's a dog, a stick of dynamite, and a nun-" Fubuki starts.

"Heard it," said Asuka flatly.

"Knock knock!" tried Fubuki again.

"HEARD IT!" yelled Asuka. "Look Shou, if you think that it's just one big party having an older brother who has the common sense of a lamppost, be my guest. _I'll _take the one that's easier to handle!"

"Really? You can do that?" said Shou.

"Well, you can pick up forms at the Bureau of Unethical Sibbling-Based Practices, but we'll work out the paperwork later," said Asuka. "For all I care, Fubuki's yours."

"I wish I had older siblings I could trade along with!" said Double S with tears in his eyes.

"COOL!" said Fubuki, grabbing Shou. "I gots a new younger brother! Now I can do all those things I wanted to do if I did have a younger brother instead of a younger sister!"

"And since I'm clearly less mentally agile than Asuka, that means that there will be nothing stopping us from causing maximum damage to this school!" said Shou. "Come on, lets go blow some stuff up!"

Both cheered and ran down the hallway full speed, Fubuki ripping out golf clubs from his golf bag of doom, using them to knock down unsuspecting students who romped down the hallway to their next class, while Shou started pumping his plasma cannon.

"We'll search the school for the dubbers and the Evil One!" said ASV.

"Fine, you take the first floor and the basement, my team will take the second and third floor," said Asuka. "Oh, and one more thing? If any of you see Shou and Fubuki trying to destroy the infrastructure…hit them, okay?"

"But hitting's mean!" said Double S.

"If you weren't British…" said Mobster.

"Just go, all of you," said Asuka pathetically.

---ooo---

"DANG THAT FILTHY SLIFER SLACKER!" screamed Chronos, walking down the hall in an absolute furry over having have lost the case, kicking various garbage cans he saw, as well as a few unsuspecting students. "How can they possibly do this to me? Grr…I'm sick of them all! If the law can't make that filthy blue-haired pain in the butt cheek, THEN I WILL!"

Chronos hated Slifers, whom all around were teasin', he's done so for some time, no one quite knows the reason. Some say that his hair was bleached until it turned white. Some say that his left earring was heavier than his right. But the most likely reason of all was his brain was two sizes too small.

"Shut up," sad Chronos to the narrator.

He fumed silently to himself. Shou had committed a high crime, and at the last minute, he get's let off. How pathetic was that? Oh, that stupid court system. They always let people off. Just because their namby-pamby and they don't want to be out of a job, they always let the first time goody-goodies off…

PING!

That was it, thought Chronos to himself. Maybe the solution to this predicament is not in the quality of the crimes Shou committed, but the quantity…

---ooo---

"It's them alright…" muttered Bianca to herself, looking at the little shards of underwear that were lying in the waste basket outside of the nurses office. "It appears that someone got here before I did. Next time…I WANNA SODA!"

Bianca once again bounced down the hallway joyfully, singing happy songs as she did, most of them songs by Evanesence, unknowing that at the same moment something was being bombed, Marik had snuck into the girls bathroom (more on that later), Ziggy and Dartz we're about to be kidnapped by a creature of unsurpassed evil (more on that later), and in most recent news-

"Okay, here she comes," said Snuggles McBluesy. "Are ye sure ye can do this boy?"

"Yes…" said Seto said.

"Are you really sure?" asked Snuggles McBluesy.

"I really think so," said Seto, swallowing a lump at the back of his throat.

"Really, truly absolutely, one hundred percent, really, really, _reeeeeally _sure?" asked Snuggles.

"…GOODBYE!" said Seto, turning around.

"Oh no you aren't!" yelled Snuggles, grabbing him from the back of the collar. "I aem _not _going to wear the 'Most Pathetic Emotional Support Case' hat at Plushie Fest fer the fourth year in a row! Yer hopelessly oblivious to anything else, so I cannae believe thae ye act like yer pants are on fire whenever ye see a lass ye like!"

"Yeah, well believe it or not! LET ME GO!" yelled Seto, trying to struggle away from the vice grip of the plush toy.

"Yer talkin' to her, and yew'll like it!" yelled Snuggles McBlusey.

"LISTEN YOU STUPID BALL OF POLYESTER!" screamed Seto at the top of his lungs in Snuggles McBluesey's face. "I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH I LIKE HER, IF I MANAGE TO SAY A SUCCESSFUL PARAGRAPH IN FRONT OF HER, I'LL PROBABLY GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST LATER! GOT IT YOU FILTHY DOLL? GOT IT?"

"Got it!" chirped Bianca behind him, causing his heart to nearly stop working, his skin to go completely white, and five years to instantly float away from his life expectancy.

"Oh…mygod…" he squeeked in an a high pitched, raspy, almost inhuman voice.

"WHADJA SAY KOREAN KID?" asked Bianca.

"Uuuuuuh…I mean nothing!" said Seto. "Um…hi?"

"HI!" screamed Bianca right at him, nearly at the top of her lungs.

"Yes…um…hi…again…" said Seto.

Silence.

"So…uh…"

Silence.

"Ask her what her name is," whispered Snuggles.

"WHAT HER NAME IS! I MEAN, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" Seto screamed in desperation.

"Well, my best friend Tish always calls me 'STOP IT BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF', but everyone else calls me…BIANCA!" yelled Bianca.

"Boy, she's little miss valedictorian isn't she?" said Snuggles.

"Shut up!" said Seto.

"Okay!" said Bianca.

"NO! NOT YOU! THE…uh…the…"

"STAND AND DELIVER!"

Bianca and Seto both automatically shot both of their hands up in the air. That's when, running down the hallway, dressed in a hastily made Slifer Red uniform, boots, and a blue, pointy wig was Chronos, trying his best to have a high-pitched but somewhat threatening voice, carrying a plasma cannon.

"I am Shou Marufuji, that's S-H-O-U M-A-U-F-U-J-I, and I never miss!" said Chronos.

"That creepy kid from computer class?" said Seto. "Nice try. He was only three feet tall."

"Growth spurt," said Chronos. "Now sir, hand over all of your money, valuables, etc., etc…"

"Can't," said Seto. "All of my savings are in either bonds, stock, or my checking account."

"Tish told me never to carry around money after I mistook a quarter for a jawbreaker!" said Bianca.

"Oh come on, you have to have something on you!" said Chronos. "Jewelry? Nice shoes? Deed to your house? Credit card? Nice shoes? Makeup? Nice bag? Anything?"

"Sorry!" said Bianca.

"Do I look like the jewelry type?" said Seto dryly.

"Fine," said Chronos. "For your lives, I shall gladly take a kiss from your young lips my dear."

"GOOD GOD MAN!" said Seto. "Can you drag yourself no lower? Have you no shame at all? You truly are a disgusting underbelly of a thief! I mean the same gender thing is bad enough, but-"

"Not you, you idiot, the girl!" said Chronos.

"No thank you!" chirped Bianca.

"What?" said Chronos, taken slightly aback.

"No thank you! You're much too ugly and repulsive to kiss!" said Bianca sweetly.

"Look nincompoop, I don't think you quite get the concept," said Chronos dangerously. "I have a plasma cannon in my hand. If you do not answer to my demands, then I will be very happy to use it full blast on your flimsy body!"

"That means you'll zap me right?" asked Bianca.

"YES!" said Chronos.

"Hm…nope, still no!" said Bianca.

"What the-okay stupid," said Chronos. "Let me put this in terms you can understand. Give me a kiss, or I'll blow you and your little boyfriend up!"

"Nope!" said Bianca, grabbing Chronos arm in a vice grip and-

_We are terribly sorry to interrupt again, but to the terribly interesting content about to happen, it has been continued much to graphic for a boring and tasteless fanfic, though I doubt most people would like to see an image of a full grown man being chunked by a idiotic red head. So just think happy thoughts about sugar cookies and fuzzy bunnies (though not the flying kind that will brutally maul your entire family on demand) and we promise that after this, we'll get right back to the senseless violence that is only legal because nobody actually gets killed. Right. That's all. Really. Good bye, have fun, enjoy, kiss kiss._

"Wow, I didn't think he'd survived being thrown out of a second story window!" said Bianca. "Now, what were you saying Korean kid?"

"Actually-" started Seto.

"OHAYO ONII-SAN!" said Azusa, bouncing down the hallway over to Seto, much to his inconvenience, as well as his semi-horror. "Computer class was really fun! What do we get to do next?"

"Um, well, I-" stammered Seto, trying to get back on track with this entire conversation.

"WHO'S THE CHICK?" asked Bianca. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"NO! NO! NONONONONONO! Absolutly not!" said Seto frantically, with an almost mortified tone in his voice. "Sh-she's not my girlfriend at all! No! She's just a robot! She's not even a real girl!"

"Nii-san, it's mean to be that blunt about it!" said Azusa, tears welling up in her eyes.

"COOL!" said Bianca. "Can you play games on her?"

"I'm hurt Nii-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…" said Azusa, who was starting to cry in her hands.

"Look, could you just beat it for a little while?" said Seto, trying to shove Azusa away from the scene, as Bianca chattered aimlessly. "I'll talk to you latter!"

"So…you'd hurt my feelings and then just shove me away?" Azusa whimpered sadly.

"YES, JUST GO!" said Seto, shoving her away.

However, he also didn't realize that whenever Azusa's feeling get hurt, her algorithms shift to file H-8325-SG13R, aka 'homicidal maniac with a water fountain or a desk depending on which one was easier to access'.

"YOU'RE SUCH A MEAN SPIRITED PERSON NII-SAAAAAAAAAAN!" screamed Azusa, ripping a water fountain right out of the wall, spurting water in every which direction, as Seto screamed, realizing too late what was coming.

"OOH! JAWBREAKER!" said Bianca, spotting a quarter on the ground about twenty yards away from the killing grounds that were to come next.

"NII-SAN, PLEASE APPOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!" yelled Azusa, violently beating Seto with the water fountain. "AND WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT PASSING OUT? YOU REALLY DON'T LIKE ME, DO YOU NII-SAN? YOU'RE SO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAN!"

"OW!" yelled Bianca from down the hall. "COOL! ANOTHER DOLLAR FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY!"

"That's it Nii-San!" said Azusa, throwing the water fountain away, as Seto was in a ball of panic, covering his head and shaking violently, afraid of the next attack. "Fine then! If you don't want me, I'll go find Seta-Oneechan, and she won't be mean to me, and we'll be best friends forever! Good bye Nii-san!"

With that, Azusa ran away in tears, Seto winced in pain, trying to drag himself to the next class, as Bianca walked past him, carrying one of her two front teeth.

---ooo---

"Stello hudents, and welcome to Biology 101," said the teacher, Mr. Osuki, who's legendary speech problems have lead him to be one of the most laughable teachers in the entire school. Not only did he use a massive amount of spoonerisms, but he also had a dreadful habit of using words that sound like other words that he wants to use. And also, there is always an underground network of students betting how long it will take him to tell a story about the old country, which influence stayed clear on his life, due to the fact that in a cage was a huge, exotic looking lizard, which flicked it's tongue out occasionally, and once bit a kid's hand off who wondered what would happen if he pulled his tail.

"Hello Mr. Osuki…" muttered all the students dully.

"Right, lets get rarted stight away," said Mr. Osuki, "Pleash take out your textbooks and open to page one hundred and sinety nix, taxirony."

"Taxonomy," corrected Tea.

"Yesh dear, that's what I said," said Mr. Osuki. "Now then, the first thing we tall shalk about is how erosion-"

"Evolution," corrected a few students.

"Erolusion, has been the basis of modern tailory," said Mr. Osuki.

"Taxonomy," more people corrected.

"Yes already," said Mr. Osuki. "Good lord, yew kazy crids. Now, geometry-"

"Taxonomy!"

"Whatever, was classified as bar fack as the Greeks, calus finding-"

"Classifying!"

"-aminals as either leatures of crand, ear, or Walter-"

BAM!

"Hello everyone!" said Marik, walking into the room. All the boys quickly turned their heads, because what they saw probably one of the most beautiful women to ever appear on the campus of Domino High School, and the more dirty ones began to snicker evilly to themselves.

Marik was wearing a girl's uniform, which he stole, and he had something stuffed in places on his body to give him more a more 'femine' looking figure, as if he wasn't as bad enough as it was. And of course, he wore, firry red and a little bit of eye shadow.

"And you might who be young lady?" asked Mr Osuki.

"Um…my name…my very girlish name is…um…" Marik fumbled, "…MARIKA!"

"Marika?" Odion said.

"Mish Marika then!" said Mr. Osaki. "Alright Mish Marika, we have a free desk for you to sit down at right over-"

"Don't mind if I do!" said 'Marika', striding right up to the chair next to Yugi, grabbed it, and dumped out the contents of it, i.e. Tristan, and sat right down in it, then slapping his head right on Yugi's shoulder. "Hiya hot stuff! You sure have cute shoulders!"

"What?" said everyone in the room.

"I do, don't I sweet pea?" said Yugi.

"Oh great," said Tea drearily. "Sorry Marika, but now I have to challenge you to a battle to the death."

"WHAT?" screamed everyone in the room.

_We interrupt this program to irritate you, but to also have an explanation for the upcoming events_

"You know, _Germans_ invented Anime!" said Ziggy, on camera.

"Beat it!" said ASV, clocking Ziggy with his signature weapon, the Morality Hammer. "Okay, I suppose you're all wondering why Tea just challenged 'Marika' to a three part death match. You see, this is a rare, but not unseen reaction in basic Anime's like this. Double S, the Easy-Pro please."

"Right!" said Double S, wheeling in an Easy-Pro, and clicking the on button, and after a brief blue screen, there was a countdown, and the film on it begin.

"Okay," said ASV as a clip of a colony of bees appeared on the screen. "You see, just like in a bee colony, in dominantly male-populated anime, there must be only one female character in active service in the plot."

"Though you can have lots of minor ones, as long as they are being chase by other male members!" commented Double S.

"Thank you Double S," saisd ASV, as a clip of two queen bees appear on the screen. "Now, just as an actual queen bee's job is too mate with the males of the colony, the female 'queen bee' character in these kind of Anime's main job is to date the main character."

"Also is typical of soap operas," said Double S.

"Yes, _thank you_," said ASV. "Now, when another queen bee arrives in the hive, the two queens must fight to the death, and the victor becomes the new queen. Such is the same in Anime's and the two female characters must fight until one lies dead, and the other is the supreme female of the show!"

That's when the film on the screen said 'Chapter Two: Extremely Gory Animal Violence'.

"That's enough," said ASV, turning it off. "Well, that's all we have! Please enjoy the rest of the chapter!"

----ooo---

"I ACCEPT!" said Marik happily.

"Marik…a, you idiot!" yelled Odion.

"Pleash get ready to yissect door animals," said Mr. O. "May I remind you that the scalpels are sherry varp, and they can easily hack off limbs?"

"Come on Marik…a…" said Odion, dragging Marik outside.

---ooo---

"I can't…feel…my head…" said Darts, who was lying spread eagle on the ground, sucking in massive gulps of air after having ran two miles straight and insulting Ziggy all the way.

"Germans…invented…" Ziggy started.

"SHUT…UP…" Dartz managed to croak loudly.

"Oh kids, you'll never get tight buns like that!" said Pegasus, who was passing the two, but temporarily stopping to jog in place, scolding them.

"You…too…" Dartz said. "Hey…what's…that…"

In the woods of darkness and scaryness, conveniently located right next to the school track, the three dimwits saw one of the strangest sights that the have ever seen. Clad in a tunic of soft green, with skin as pale as the moon, that almost seemed to glow, stood a young man. However, by state of his attire, the stateliness of his thin, graceful body, and his hair, which was such a light brown, it looked white, and eyes that were a shade of gray-purple, this was no ordinary being.

"A forest whisperer!" Ziggy gasped in awe.

"A what?" said Dartz and Pegasus.

"A forest whisperer!" said Ziggy excitedly. "Forest whispers are crosses between a race of elves called snow charmers, legendary for their pale-almost-albino complexions, and guardian spirits of the forests!"

"That must have been one creepy wedding reception," said Dartz.

"No! You don't understand!" said Ziggy. "Not only do they have fantastically long life spans, and look incredibly beautiful from the day they are born to the day they die, but if you give them a kick in the rear, they'll grant you a wish!"

"That's stupid," said Dartz.

"That's inspiring…" said Pegasus with tears in his eyes, but Ziggy was already walking over to the forest whisperer.

"I am Ka'aewu, the forest whisperer of Domino W-" started the forest whisperer, "um, hey, what are you-"

WHAM!

"Ow…" said Ka'aewu, lying on the ground in pain, a huge indent in his bum.

"Alright forest whisperer, I have kicked you in the rear, and now you must grant us all a wish!" said Ziggy firmly, as Dartz staggered and Pegasus briskly jogged over to the scene.

"What, they didn't kick me!" said Ka'aiwu.

**FOUR SECONDS LATER**

"Should have seen that coming…" he said, in even more pain than he was a few moments ago.

"Okay Ka'aewu!" said Ziggy. "First, I shall make my wish! I wish…THAT DARTZ BECAME A BLONDE!"

POP!

Suddenly, in almost the blink of an eye, color began to seep from Dartz's scalp, creeping slowly down his head until it touched the very tip of his little hair spikes. Dartz was now a strawberry blonde, and of a particularly violent, tackily bright shade. Ziggy and Pegasus were snickering to themselves.

"YOU BLOODY BUTT HEAD!" screamed Dartz. "Hold the phone…of course! I wish that Ziggy had a hideous facial rash!"

POP!

And in an instant, color seemed to bloom on Zigfrieds face, and what was once baby soft skin was now hideous, florid-looking read swells that criss-crossed all over his face, making him look like he had acne, and tried to get rid of it by rubbing chile pepper violently all over it, then stuffed it in a belt sander.

"Now it's my turn!" said Pegasus. "I wish…that the world could feel like I feel right now!"

---ooo---

_Hey…_thought Ryou to himself, still mourning the loss of the doom mobile. _Why do I suddenly feel like wearing ruffly shirts and hugging the first boy I see?_

---ooo---

"Well, to think that we could have achieved world peace and the end to political misunderstanding, and we wished for hilarious hair color and skin diseases," said Dartz.

"Now…about your payment," said Ka'aewu.

"…what..." said Pegasus.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in taking a wish, you sell your soul to the Forest Wisperer to do whatever he pleases. Sorry," said Ziggy.

"Hold very still, I'm wondering if I can pull of killing you in the method I just thought up," said Dartz.

"What, you think that we just give away wishes for free these days, what with the cost of living and all?" said Ka'aewu. "I mean really, that's not good business now is it?"

"Well, I thought you just kind of…you know…gave them away…" said Pegasus.

"You really think that I'd hand over the power to have anything your heart desires if you just walk up and kick me in the butt?" said Ka'aewu.

Silecne.

"Everyone does," said Ka'aewu. "Now then..."

He snapped his fingers, and with a small burst of green light, he, Dartz, Pegasus, and Zigfried vanished in thin air, leaving the track as baron and empty as it was when they first arrived.

---ooo---

"Has the virus successfully infected the school?" hissed the coice behind the curtain, once again in the circular room of black, white, and red, the moon slowly creeping across the glass dome roof.

"It as you have wished so, o Master of the Fates," said the adviser, bowing down.

"Very well," said the voice. "I believe it is time we release the next of the plagues. Tell them to begin the next phase of the plan…"

"Yes, Great Master…" said the red-clad servant.

---ooo---

The computers in the library were successfully shut down after the warning from Bianca and Tish, and because of it, the rest of the library was virtually empty, except for a few straggling students here and there. However, from the depths of the computer room, a soft humming could be heard from within.

Suddenly, a small dias in the floor opened, splitting apart, completely invisible prior to this moment, and emerging from it's depths, with a robotic groan of metal joints working for the very fist time, from the hole came the tall, thin, sparkling metallic creature, who's height was at least ten feet, had long, robotic fingers, and two lenses for eyes, one normal glass, one a huge, robotic, infa-red vision.

Oh yeah, and they were pink.

---ooo---

"THIS IS SO MUCH FUN FUBUKI!" said Shou, blowing up a water fountain in the halway, spurting water every which way, and causing someone to trip and fall on their behind who was walking by, while Fubuki was zapping ceiling tiles to make little pictures out of them. "Me and Ryou never did this kind of thing together!"

"Yeah, and Asuka always told me that I shouldn't be around weapons of destruction!" said Fubuki. "Man, you're the best younger sister slash brother ever!"

"Thank you Fubuki!" said Shou with a huge, happy smile.

BAM!

Suddenly, the wall right next to him exploded, creating a huge cloud of smoke and debrie. Then, a silhouette through the smoky dust at first, but then growing more and more visible was the tall figure of the next plague upon Domino High School…the Pink Robots. Fortunatly, our brave heroes were ready to spring into action.

"RUN AWAY!" they both screamed at the top of their lungs, running away as fast as their legs can carry them.

---ooo---

Ah...insanity is good.

Next time, we see the mind bending horrors of the inner sanctum of Ka'aewu's place, Marik versus Tea in a showdown to the death, a fangirl army slowly emerging, the return of Seta, and the origin of Fubuki's insanity! See you next week!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Sweet dreams are made of this. Who had a mind to disagree?

Well, I've officially lost all confidence in my drawing skills. You see, Monday in art class, I was drawing my own little cool OC Manga character, and I was all like 'la la la la la, this is so much fun…' and then, the sub snuck up behind me and asked 'Is that Yu-Gi-Oh?'. My hair stood up on end. No, it was NOT. It was my OWN character, and she said 'well, they all look the same to me', and so I had to go into the back room and sob for awhile. Now I'm too scared to pick it up and finish it off (though in confession, my art style is a little like stylized Yu-Gi-Oh, but STILL -.O;;;)

ONWARD!

**Chapter Thirteen  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

_In which an unseen,terrifying army of Seto fan-basedterror begins to surface_

"Marik, there is no way that you can possibly get through this alive," said Odion. "When you agreed to pose as a girl, I thought things were bad enough, but challenging one to a tournament to the death? That is…just plain wrong…"

"COME ON ODION!" said Marik. "What could possibly happen? I am a kick butt dude, and I can beat any wussy schoolgirl, big, small, or medium sized!"

"I think your brain cell just died," said Odion. "Whatever, I looked up everything online, and there are five things the competition is judged on; strength, dexterity, intelligence, stamina, and overall appeal."

"Well, I've got the last one down Odion!" said Marik. "Because as you know, I am DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!"

"Uh huh…well, you're as weak as a daisy, you have the reflexes of a rock, you've had just short of one original thought, and you start crying whenever you bump your elbow. The fact is, even if you were 'drop dead gorgeous', you'd still be far from the black," said Odion.

"Look Odion, the fact still remains that I am up against a wussy school girl, and I shall dominate this competition no matter what! So WOOT!" said Marik.

"Famous last words," said Odion.

---ooo---

"Where are you taking us?" said Dartz angrily, being carried with Ziggy and Pegasus in a huge, floating, magical blue ball that had little bolts of electricity coursing through the edges of it, which followed the lead of our favorite humanoid, Ka'aewu.

"Do you know why we forest whisperers live an incredibly long time?" asked Ka'aewu.

"Diet and exercise?" asked Dartz.

"Emotional empowerment?" asked Peggy.

"Lying about your age a lot?" asked Ziggy.

"Haha-no," said Ka'aewu. "You see my good men, forest whisperer's years and vast powers are fed from the most divine pool of power…sanity."

"What?" said Ziggy.

"You see, we forest whispers are a two way traffic system for sanity," said Ka'aewu. "It gives us life and strength, and it causes us to grow in power and youthful beauty. But like any kind of food, we must constantly feed to replenish ourselves, or else we shall wither and die, for our bodies burn up sanity incredibly fast."

"Wait…you FEED off SANITY?" asked Dartz.

"Exactly," said Ka'aewu, coming up to a curtain of sweeping leaves in the center of the forest. With one graceful swirl, he pulled back the curtain, revealing the inner workings of the chambers of insanity.

There, in hundreds of cages, in two huge rows, with a pathway of silvery-green stones between them, hundreds of people of all shapes and sizes muttered and groaned, begging and screaming for mercy to be set free from the horror of what awaited them, as they slowly watched their futures unfolded, one filled with the impending doom of becoming completely and utterly insane.

"Ah yes, let's first see how much sanity you all have," said Ka'aewu, pulling out what looked like a tuning fork, and pointed it right at the bubble. The fork, at being pointed at them, began to hum softly.

"Huh," said Ka'aewu. "According to my dial, in total, you all have less than seven square grams of sanity. I'm afraid this just won't fill my quota for the day."

"With that, he walked up slowly to another prisoner in the cage, a middle agedm slowly graying man, and with that, gripped one of the bars. With that, silvery threads seemed to erupt from his chest,a nd the slowly floated right to Ka'aewu's throat.

"Ah, said Ka'aewu softly to himself, as the man in the cage fell backward, starting to sing 'I'm Just a Girl who Can't Say No'. "Sanity. Such a lovely thing. Now then, I need more people to compensate for your loss of sanity. But who exactly do I need?"

He shook his head.

"That doesn't matter now," he said. "Okay, get into your cages!"

"What?" asked Ziggy, and with that, the bubble floated around to three empty cages that were scattered across the two rows, and for some reason, Dartz suddenly fazed through it, and landed with a sharp 'thunk' on the bottom of one. After picking himself up, he read the sign that labeled the cage.

"'Fubuki'?" Dartz asked.

"He escaped," said Ka'aewu. "Shame, I was fond of him. The only thing was, he was pretty far in the desanifying process."

"You won't get away with this!" said Dartz, as Ziggy and Peggy were dropped off in similar cages.

"Oh, but I already have," said Ka'aewu. "Now then, you have minions, yes?"

"If I say yes, will you let me out of here?" said Dartz.

"…I might," said Ka'aewu.

"Yes," said Dartz.

"Uh…nope, I lied," said Ka'aewu. "Now then, I shall go off and find these minions, and drain their sanity as well!"

"Ha, good luck, you might as try to suck some out of a tree," said Dartz.

"Then in that case, I will just have drain your sanity until your so insane, they may become a contestant on 'Survivor'," said Ka'aewu coolly.

"BUT IT'S WORTH A SHOT!" said Dartz frantically.

"I'm sure it is," said Ka'aewu. "Wait here little meat puppets. I'll be back soon…"

With that he glided away behind the curtain, off to find Alister, Raffy, and Valon.

---ooo---

"So your saying that You and Shou switched older brothers?" said Ryou quietly, as a bunch of elementary schoolers who had recess were throwing dodge balls at his back.

"Yeah, long story," said Asuka, watching the grade schoolers continue to wail on Ryou. "Um, doesn't that kind of hurt?"

"I figure if I ignore them, they'll go away eventually," said Ryou. "Besides, it's against my principles to beat up young children."

"You realize that their loading up hand made slings with rocks now, right?" said Asuka.

"Don't care," said Ryou.

"Uh…" said Asuka. "Anyway, I suppose that while this is a dramatic, almost mind-altering change in Shou's life, it's not a big deal for us, because we're in the same dorm, and we always hang out together anyway, right?"

"Actually, no," said Ryou. "You see, the Marufuji family is infamously traditional, and whenever anyone new enters the family, sibling, marriage, or otherwise, you have to pass through the initiation ceremony."

"Initiation ceremony?" said Asuka, as one kid got created and chucked an entire piece of sidewalk concrete at the back of Ryou's head.

"Really, I'm against it, but the older generations though, what can you do?" said Ryou, somehow managing to fight of devastating head trauma and not collapsing from a moderate concussion.

"Can't we just do this on a casual level, since it's only temporary anyway?" asked Asuka.

"Sorry," said Ryou. "Rules are rules."

"You know, you're so sane, you're insane," said Asuka.

---ooo---

"I don't want to get it out, you get it out."

"Nuh uh, you first!"

"Ew! No way am I touching that!"

"They look like spaghetti…"

These were just a few of the many repulsive reactions of students as they had to partake in the most sick, deviant, and vile source of project to satisfy the curriculum of the state…dissecting worms. Nothing could turn one's stomach more to see the sight of dead, disgusting, floating worms in a vat of formaldehyde, because due to massive budget cuts, the school was forced to use the less 'trade mark' of dead animal supporters.

"And welcome to the first match of the Marika vs Tea fight to the death," said one of two male commentators speaking calmly into microphones like the ones on the golf channel do, except the speaker was wearing normal business casual clothes, and the other one was wearing a pink dress with a lovely matching handbag, well polished pink high healed, square toed shoes, and white gloves. "I am Bob, and this is Bob, and it is an absolutely splendid day for a glorified cat fight. Don't you agree Bob?"

"Certainly Bob," said Bob II. "As you know, the challenge, as all future challenges, shall be based on strength, dexterity, intelligence, stamina, and overall appeal. Our three judges shall be Joey Wheeler, a friend of Tea's, the Knowledge Inspector, who is a friend of Marika, and a person who hates both of them, Jimu."

"I HATE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!" screamed Jimu, kicking a kid in a very uncomfortable place as he walked by.

"Can I borrow some of your mascara Bob?" asked Bob I.

"No problem Bob," said Bob II, snapping open his handbag. "Now the object of this round shall be to correctly and skillfully, while appealing to the audience, dissect the worm."

"Alright, no problem!" said Marik, pulling out the tongs used to scoop out the worm from the preserving liquid. "This will be easy! All I need to do is to take this dead worm, and hack it…into…little…bits…"

Suddenly, Marik's eyes began to tear up, a sudden recollection of a distant childhood memory.

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"AH! NO! IT'S COMING TO GET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"For Ra's sake Marik," said a very young Odion to a two-year-old Marik chibi, who was creaming and trying to hide behind Odion. "Everyone has to get toilet trained eventually. Get on the potty."

"I DON'T WANNA GET POTTY TWAINED!" yelled Marik with tears in his eyes, cowering at the sight of the hideous horror that is 'My First Potty' that Odion bought in the underground bazaar. "I HATE DA POOOOOOOOTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

"Why couldn't you have just been another girl…" said Odion.

"HATE DA POTTY!" yelled Marik, kicking the wall over and over again. "HATE! HATE! HATE!"

He hit the last 'hate' so hard into the wall, that what fell out of the crack in it was a little, wiggly little pink worm, looking thoroughly disturbed at being knocked out of his dirt home by an idiot.

"YAY!" said Marik, picking up the worm and giving it a hug. "I WILL CALL YOU BEEWZEBUB!"

---ooo---

"Marik, for the last time, eat your spinach," said his dad as he, Marik's older sister Ishizu, Odion, and Marik sat at the dinner table.

"No," said Marik.

"Don't you want to grow big and strong?" asked Marik's dad.

"No," said Marik firmly.

"Do you want to be a brittle little whimp all your life?" asked Marik's dad.

"Yes," said Marik.

"Are you stupid?" asked Marik's dad.

"Yes," said Marik.

"MARIK, EAT YOUR SPINICH, OR I'LL BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF ODION'S LIFE!" said Marik's dad.

"Uh…suw Daddy…" said Marik, feeding the spinach to Beelzebub, a nice change, considering he usually fed them to Odion.

---ooo---

"Sweet dweams Beewzebub!" said Marik, who lay shivering on the hard, stone floor, while Beelzebub slept happily in his nice, warm bed.

---ooo---

"I WIN AGAIN!" said Marik, winning yet another game of Twister before even having to move his right hand off of yellow, since Beelzebub refused to move.

---ooo---

"For the last time Marik, sit on the potty!" said Odion.

"SICK HIM BOY!" yelled Marik, as the worm leapt on Odion's face, and Odion screamed and ran around in horror, trying to rip the little worm off of it, while Marik loudly 'dumped the load' loudly and stinkily right into his diaper.

---ooo---

"'…Hewe den, as I way down da pen and pwoceed to seaw up my confession, I bwing the life of dat unhappy Henwy Jekyll tawo an end,'" finished Marik, closing up Robert Louis Stevensen's Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and giving Beelzebub a pat on the head. "Tomowwow we getta wead Tweasure Iwand…"

---ooo---

"HEY ISHIZUW!" yelled Marik, now four, at the top of his lungs to his poor sister, who was making dinner in the ancinent underground temple. "HAVE YOU SEEN BEEWZEBUB AROUND?"

"He died eighteen months ago, and we replaced him with a sour gummy worm knowing that you'd never be able to tell the difference," said Ishizu.

Marik looked at the red and yellow gummy worm in his hand, which for years now had been nothing but a façade of his truest, and most faithful invertebrate friend.

"POR QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he sobbed at the top of his lungs.

"Finally…I'll get the potty…" said Odion a couple of rooms away.

---ooo---

As Tea was fearlessly and boldly beginning to dissect her worms, while the details shall be left out for sentimentality, the lifeless worm lay there on Marik's tray, Marik holding a few dissecting pins in one hand, and a scalpel that hasn't been sterilized since the day it was bought fifty years ago, and would never be again by the day it would be thrown in the trash, in the other. Marik felt tears run down his cheeks, ruining his makeup, the thought that his dear best friend could have ended up just like the massive bunches of worms who are gassed in the names of school-based projects.

"B…Bee…BEELZEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUB!" Marik sobbed at the top of his lungs, being able to bear it no more, running right out of the room with tears streaming out of his eyes like waterfalls.

"Oh dear, that's going to cost her some style points Bob," said Bob II, as Bob I carefully applied the mascara. "Go easy, too much makes you look uncouth dear…"

"Oh God, not again…" said Odion, slapping his forehead.

"Hey, have you ever wondered why Kaiba never shows up to any classes beyond first period?" asked Ryo to Tristan.

---ooo---

"Kaibalog, November eighth, 10:47," said Seto into a hand-held tape recorder while sitting on the floor in a stall in the men's room. "Drastic changes to schedule due to recent events. Still have no leads as to why I am so smart that teachers give me straight A's despite the fact that I rarely show up in class…"

---ooo---

"Keester Maiba's out again," said Mr. O in front of his grade book, which he also used to take attendance "Oh well, better give him another A+ in the book!"

---ooo---

"But this investigation has been switched to standby due to an important event that has taken place approximately 310 hours ago. I have met probably the the wonderful woman that exists in this hick-town. She's beautiful, and powerful, and strong…she can beat Joey like a cheep rug…she thinks I'm funny…"

Seto laid back in dizzy bliss, but suddenly realizing that he was ranting, quickly shook his head and continued.

"Because of this, I need to find out how the female mind works," he continued into the recorder. "Have previously had two failed attempts. One was buying a Teen Magazine at a newspaper stand. Found no sufficient data, except that I am a winter. Snuck into the library and read every Shouju manga on file. Still nothing about the female mind, though I know have the urge to buy Guru-Guru Pon-Chan two when I have free time. Putting this aside, I am already working on limited data on the girl about her personally. The only thing I know for sure is that her name is-"

Suddenly he stopped, suddenly feeling his body switch to high alert. He was sure he heard something, and he had that awful feeling that someone was listening into this conversation. It could have been nothing more than a groaning pipe, but then again…it wasn't worth the risk…

"The walls have ears," he said into the recorder. "Will continue once I have more analisis. Signing off at 10:49 AM, same date."

He turned off the recorder. He quickly flicked it back on.

"Added note, 10:49 AM," he said. "Must also find Azusa. End side note."

He quickly turned off the recorder, and snuck out of the bathroom to go re-read 'Guru-Guru Pon-Chan'. The bathroom went back to what it originally was. Silent, empty, with a loud boiler banging below it.

BAM!

Suddenly, a foot kicked open the air vent close to the ceiling of the room, and slipping out was a figure dressed totally in black, including a black ski mask. The figure quickly leapt out of the vent, landing catlike on the ground. The figure then slunk over to a particularly ratty piece of tile on the north wall, counting two tiles down and five to the right. With that, the figure dug the nails under her black gloves into the grooves of the tile, pulling it easily out of the wall. With that, the person ripped out yet another recorder, this one very small, thin, and metallic. She quickly slipped it into her pocket, and ripped out a handheld computer/transmitter.

"Red dwarf…yes this is Ebony Crow," said the figure. "I have news of great urgency. Call a meeting as quick as you can with every able-bodied member in the vicinity. This is an issue that threatens the very foundation of our operation…"

---ooo---

Meanwhile, out on the main steps to the school, Azusa was sobbing her poor little eyes out at the top of her lungs, her heart snapped completely in two. Her end user had abandoned her, she had no friends to play with, and worst of all, she couldn't help but feeling ignored. Evidence of this were shown in the destruction of three cars in the teacher's parking lot, and seven cars in the student parking lot, all with huge dent marks in them from various large, heavy objects that have been viciously beaten into them.

"I'm all alone!" sobbed Azusa. "I miss Nii-san and all of his friends, and I miss Seta-san, and now I have no place to go! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Friends?" said Seta, who for some odd reason, was on the roof, the front half of her body hanging down from the top of the roof, giving the impression that she was upside down.

"SETA-NEESAN!" said Azusa happily. "Seta-Neesan, where were you? I missed you so much!"

"I was off making friends!" said Seta happily, leaping off the roof and landing and landing next to Azusa perfectly on the bottoms of her pink, calf-high boots. "See? I made friends with that tree over there-"

She pointed to a tree that looked as if it had all of it's life sucked out of it in one go. It was wilted and an ugly, white-brown sort of color, and its bark seemed to turn into rubber as it leaned sadly on it's side, it's crown touching the ground.

"-that nice rock-"

She pointed to a rock that seemed to have melted, as if it was thrown to the earth's firry core, then pulled back up, and resembled a huge, cooled-over puddle.

"-and that nice man over there!"

"SHE'S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" yelled the middle aged man in panic, who was wearing a neck brace, as well as a back supporter, and was frantically trying to get away as much as his automatic wheelchair with an IV attached to it would go when pressed on full speed.

"OKAY! BY MR. JOHNSON!" said Seta cheerfully, waving at the poor, struggling man.

"Seta-Neesan, will you play with me?" asked Azusa.

"YAY!" said Seta happily. "Hey, who's that potential best friend?"

Seta pointed to Ka'aewu, who was now cunningly disguised with a school uniform, and was walking into the smaller, side door into the school.

"I don't know," said Asuza. "Maybe he's a new kid! Let's introduce ourselves!"

"NEW BEST FRIEND!" said Seta at the top of her lungs, bounding along the black top and into the side door to the school.

---ooo---

"ORDER! ORDER!" said a girl with red hair and glasses who was wearing a 'S3T0 F0R3V4' T-shirt, banging a gavel behind a huge podium with the label "DUMBARSE" (Domestic Underground Military Base of Attack Ready Seto Enthusiasts) in an underground auditorium, the only remains of a long-lost civilization of super advanced high school, long forgotten by the books of time, back to an era when the advanced civilization of the Mayans, who had flying cars, meat factories, airplanes, cell phones, MP3 players, teleportation beams, and diet soda, got destroyed by mean conquistadors and their various unpleasant medical conditions. The fangirls in the room , all wearing similar T-shirts to that of the girl behind the podium, swayed and trembled in confusion at the sudden call for a meeting.

"This meeting is on a very grave level," said the girl. "I, Red Dwarf, leader of this prestigious group have the terrible news we've been dreading…SETO KAIBA HAS FALLEN IN LOVE!"

"YAY!" yelled all the girl hopefully.

"WITH A PERSON WHO'S NOT A MEMBER OF THIS SOCIETY!" yelled Red Dwarf.

The entire room was dissolved in a vicious uproar from all the girls in the audience. They were in a fury, and in what seemed like no more than a millisecond, the girls of the club's outcry quickly grew to that of sheer anger, and also, a call for revenge.

"DUB HER!" screamed one.

"MAKE HER SIT IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR AND VICIOUSLY TICKLE HER!" cried another.

"WRITE UNKIND THINGS ABOUT HER IN THE FORUMS!" yelled another.

"Way ahead of you!" said a girl, whipping out her laptop.

"No calm down, calm down!" said Red Dwarf into the microphone, but it was no use against the moderate riot that was brewing in the crowd.

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Everyone went quiet. The screech came from the figure wearing nothing black. She was both feared and revered among the populace, for she was a dancer in the shadows, the one who could hunt down anyone who the fangirls felt was a thread to the natural order of fangirl and the characters they fangirl over. Her victims were many. All of the girl in the crowd fell silent.

"Thank you," said Red Dwarf. "Ebony Crow has stolen valuable information stating a key clue in the identity of this girl. She is…a new girl!"

Another outcry from the group.

"SILENCE!" said Red Dwarf. "I have a plan, but in order to do this, we will need cooperation from all of you. Saphire! As secretary, send an e-mail to every Seto fan base in a nine-mile perimeter explaining the situation, and have all back-up forces on standby!"

"Yes Ma'am!" said the girl who whipped out her laptop, quickly typing the information into an e-mail.

"I want all of you to stay on high alert, and if you have any new information on who this woman is who defies our order to send an e-mail straight to our center ASAP," said Red Dwarf. "Black Crow, I am trusting you to lead a band of our strongest operatives to hunt down the new girl and exterminate her!"

"As you wish…" said Black Crow, bowing respectively to the head.

"Your only orders are to hunt down every new girl in this school you can find," said Red Dwarf. "We cannot risk failure. If you see any girl that can be identified, you know what to do. And you yourself must tail Seto wherever he goes. If you see one girl even halfway look at him…don't hesitate to destroy her…"

---ooo---

Well…they're creepy aren't they?

Next time, Valon vs Math, the fangirls find a target, and worst of all…MARIK ONCE AGAIN CONSULTS THE TV FOR ADVICE! What horrors shall come next? Stay tuned to the next chapter!


	14. You'd Be Surprised Just What Running and

tuned to the next chapter!

SPELIN IS PHUN! UH HUH!

Okay, now here's the weird thing. You'd think that since I'm a Seto fangirl, I'd be livid that Seto would be in love just like the ones we saw in the previous chapter, right? Well, I'm actually pretty happy that High Priest Seth of the plushie daemons actually is in love Kisara. Is that crazy or what?

And thanks to the encouragment of the readers, I have successfully finished up my art thing, and submitted it for grading. Thanks guys as usual, I owe you one!

Ah yes, for some reason, I have a feeling that this chapter is going to be viewed as especially insane. And I'll leave Valon's 'special talent' to the imagination of the reader…

Okay, it's insanity time!

**Chapter Fourteen**

**YOU'D BE VERY SURPRISED WHAT RUNNING AND SCREAMING CAN DO**

_In which one truly does worry about _

"I…can't…go back in there…" said Marik sadly, hugging his legs to his body upstairs, one floor above the Bio room. "Those sick people…they're…hacking up worms…they have no souls…none of them…"

Marik then broke down and started sobbing.

"BEELZEBUB!" he screamed. "I'm so sorry I ever wanted to cut your worm comrades to bits! FORGIVE ME! I can't believe that I could have ever trampled on your beautiful memory like that…I DESERVE TO DIE!"

He ripped out a huge, frilly handkerchief from his left chest pocket, and blew his nose noisily in it.

"But if I can't go back there, I'll never get another chance to steal the puzzle!" said Marik. "But…I…I can't…I don't…"

Marik buried his face once again in the lacy pink hanky, and literally screamed into it to try to get rid of the horrible pent-up emotion that was eating him away from the inside out. A bunch of people in other classes were peeking around the doorway, wondering what happened to him, all thinking he was a girl, and most thinking that someone broke up with 'her'.

"There…there's only one way I can possibly get better," said Marik, managing to pick himself up off the ground, and stuffing the hanky back into his pocket. "I need to…go find…a television…"

---ooo---

"'Johnny went to a bakery and bought two rolls and seven cookies for four dollars and three cents'," read Valon off his paper in math class. "'Rika bought six rolls and ten cookies for six dollars and ninety eight cents. If the prices are all the same, how much does one roll cost and one cookie cost?"

Valon stared blankly at his paper for several seconds. This question was not in Valon's grand spectrum of problem solving ability, which limits were already being stretched once you hit multiplication. Not knowing how to answer this question, he did what any intelligent and diligent math student would do.

_I'll give you twenty dollars if you give me an A on this test_ he wrote down in the answer space in shaky, kindergarten-like handwriting.

"You want that math problem solved, don't you?"

Valon turned around curiously to see where the voice was coming from. He found himself staring at the hypnotically beautiful purple-gray eyes of Ka'aewu, our insane forest whisperer friend, whom every girl in the room were looking at hungrily, clamping down on their lips to prevent their jaws from leaping out of their mouths like that of a great white shark and tearing Valon's body limb from pathetic limb.

"Yes?" said Valon stupidly.

"I can do that," said Ka'aewu. "I am Ka'aewu the forest whisperer. I can do _anything_…"

"Yeah? Well I bet you can't do this!"

And Valon showed Ka'aewu his special talent.

"…that's…that's just _disgusting_…" said Ka'aewu, his eyes bulging out of their sockets in a mixture of both horror and…that of being moderately impressed.

"Thank you!" said Valon. "Hey, how come the teacher isn't feinting like he always does when I do that?"

"I have trapped his mind in a temporary spiral," said Ka'aewu. "He will now continue to teach the Pythagorean Theorem until I unleash his mind, and he shall never look away from his work, whether it be fire, or monster, or phone solicitor. He is powerless."

"Cool…" said Valon.

"Back to the point," said Ka'aewu. "If you want all of your math problems instantly solved, just wish it such, and I shall solve them."

"I WISH THAT ALL THE ANSWERS ON THIS TEST ARE CORRECT!" said Valon. And the second his said such, like flowers blooming in the snow, silvery ink seemed to bloom on the paper, writing out all of the answers on Valon's paper, showing all work, as well as checks.

"THANK YOU KABABABLAHBLAHBELA!" said Valon.

"Oh no," said Ka'aewu, as another blue power bubble suddenly surrounded Valon, lifting him out of his chair, and floating him about four feet above the ground, right at Ka'aewu's side. "Thank you."

And with that, he turned on his heel, and he headed out the door, while Valon cheered happily at the prospect of being take out of math class, even if it was by a freaky, way-too-pretty forest spirit.

"WAIT! NO KA'AEWU!" said a girl in the class, as all of the girls were driven into a frenzy, no longer able to hold back their emotions.

"TAKE ME! I LOVE YOU!" said another girl.

"I LOVE YOU MORE!" said another.

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE YOU!" said another.

---ooo---

"We've got to get out of here!" said Dartz, desperately trying to pry open the bars that contained him and the other two. "Any minute, that freak forest whatsit's going to come back and drain our sanity!"

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE INSANE!" said Pegasus.

"Uh…" said Dartz.

"You know, Germans invented cages!" said Ziggy.

"THEY DID NOT YOU SOUR KRAUT!" said Dartz. "I know for a fact that ATLANTIANS invented cages!"

"No, the GERMANS did!" said Ziggy.

"ATLANTIANS!" said Dartz.

"GERMANS!" said Ziggy.

"ATLANTIANS!" said Dartz.

"Um, actually, _Egyptians_ invented cages," said Yami, who for some strange reason that I am much to bored and short on time to explain, was also sitting in a cage not far from the other three.

"NO! GERMANS!" said Ziggy.

"ATLANTIANS!" said Dartz.

"EGYPTIANS!" said Yami.

"GERMANS!"

"ATLANTIANS!"

"EGYPTIANS!"

"GERMANS!"

"ATLANTIANS!"

"EGYPTIANS!"

"GERMANS!"

"Actually, Americans invented cages," said Pegasus.

"NO! ATLANTIANS!"

"EGYPTIANS!"

"AMERICANS!"

"GERMANS!"

"ATLANTIANS!"

"EGYPTIANS!"

---ooo---

"Must…watch…the mind numbing television…" said Marik sadly to himself, sitting down with a sad-sounding _thump _on a bean bag chair in the student lounge, which was filled with more lame posters, most advertising dances from 1983. "Okay…lets try…eleven!"

"-and in this intense new night time drama, Bethany loves Steve, Steve loves Bethany…and Carol," said the narration voice. "And when things between Carol and Steve start heating up, how far will Bethany go to end it? Dressed to Become a Homicidal Maniac, Mondays at seven, only on-"

"Good idea, but I don't have that big of a chainsaw," said Marik, switching the channel.

"-the stock market is down, nasty things like drugs and suicide are up, wars are erupting, the moon is falling into the Atlantic Ocean, and there's a run in my stocking," said a news reporter on 'No, the News Still Isn't Good'. "And what's worse, I have an itch in a place it would be very rude to scratch on television."

"Gah, scrub the stocking runs!" said Marik, switching the channel. "THAT'S IT! The only place where I will be able to find such hideously obvious but really stupid answers is on education programming!"

"It's okay to cry when you're sad!" said a guy dressed in a clown suit, holding up a felt puppet that looked like a cross between an elephant and a red horse.

"Yes…you're right Mr. Giggles and Snoogy Poo!" said Marik, huge tears welling up in his freakish looking purple eyes.

"What's this color?" said the clown man, holding up a black sheet of paper.

"GREEN!" yelled Marik excitedly.

"Let's all sing a song!" said the clown man.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" said Marik, bouncing up and down in the beanbag chair.

---ooo---

Chronos was giggling evilly to himself, still wearing an outfit, which he was using to pathetically pose as Shou, was stuffing pre-chewed bubble gum in all the coin slots in the vending machine in the outlets so kids couldn't burn out the schools electricity by recharging their laptops. To make sure that there were no fuss over who did what, he sorted everything out by key-scratching 'Shou Wuz Here' on every table, using the keys to the principles car, and them running them through the garbage disposal in the cafeteria.

"Hm…blue or red?" said Chronos, weighing both cans in his hand, wondering just what color of spray paint he should use for the walls. "Oh what the heck? Why not both?"

Ka-chak!

Suddenly, he dropped both cans automatically, both clanking noisily to the floor as he screatched in panic and put both of his frilly-collared hands up in the air, for behind him, held by the hands of the elite Black Crow, was the most nasty looking shoulder cannon yet to be shown in this fic.

"Wha…wah…" said Chrono.

"Where's Seto Kaiba?" Black Crow demanded in an icy voice.

"Em…while, you see, I'm terrible at putting names to faces, but-" said Chronos pathetically, not even knowing of this 'Seto Kaiba' of which this deranged fangirl spoke of (obviously he's pretty out of it), and knowing that when a person with a gun asks you something, presuming you don't want to live the rest of your life dead, you better give them the answer they want.

"Tell me where he is, or I'll give your brain a nice little rear view window!" said Black Crow dangerously.

"But do you have any idea how popular the name 'Seto' is nowadays?" said Chronos. "I mean come one, you talk to every other person and they'll say their name is Seto!"

"Look-" started Black Crow.

"I mean I was walking to the market today, and I saw this guy saying 'hey, my name's Seto', to a girl, and she said 'what a coincidence! That's my name to!' I mean it's madness! Sheer madness!"

"Ms…" said the girl.

"DOCTOR!" yelled Chronos. "I mean it's just like a couple of years ago when all the girls were either named Amanda or Kathleen, and all the boys were named-"

"You are of no use to me," Black Crow said darkly. "For that, I shall punish you most terribly, by sending your mind to the dimension of ultimate nightmares!"

"What…what are you…" said Chronos, but before he could do another thing, his eyes glazed over, and he violently wobbled, falling to the floor with a sickening thud.

"Hm…I find him rather amusing, so I'll let him out after ten minutes," said Black Crow, watching Crowler's body twitch. "Oh well, no doubt he'll be able to sleep with 'Big Boy Underwear' for a month…haw haw…"

---ooo---

"Where...what…why…" muttered Chronos, slowly getting to his feet. "Why am I wearing a dress?"

"HI MRS. CHRONOS!" screamed a bunch of kids in front of him, all wearing Slifer Red uniforms.

"We got rid of all the Ra's and Obeliks in Duel Acadamy, so now there's only us Slifers!" said Shou.

"And I'm their king!" said Juundai (Jaden) Yuki. "C'mon everyone! Let's give Mrs. Chronos a big hug while singing our dub names at annoyingly high pitches!"

"NOOOO! VERY NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Chronos, as all the Slifers closed in, and proceeded to hug him.

---ooo---

"You're saying that you can force everyone to worship my Guardian Cards?" asked Raphael excitedly to Ka'aewu, as they both sat in computers, while the teacher taught basic online program settings over and over again.

"Of course…" said Ka'aewu.

---ooo---

"All who dare oppose our massive fangirl army is doomed!" said one girl, wearing a black leather jacket, skin-tight, street-fighter looking pants, and carrying a Slaughter Stick identical to Fubuki's. "We shall rip the flesh from the bones of all who try to stop us! You're masses are doomed! DOOOOOO-wait, what's that?"

"_Threat Level: Two…switching to offensive maneuvers…_"

"Wait…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"_IF YOU LIKE PIN-NYA CO-LA-TAS, GIT-TIN CAUGHT IN THE RAIN-_"

The fangirl screamed in utter terror, for when she least expected it, the massive hoards of pink robots, suddenly turned the corner. Identifying her as a threat, they switched to automatic attack for what they considered level two threats to be (fangirls, angry parents, especially violent mailmen, etc.), which consisted of incredibly bad music from the seventies and eighties.

"Fubuki, what are we going to do?" asked Shou, who was hiding under a staircase with Fubuki, watching the horror of what could be described only as a girl who was screaming in pain, her ears melting by hearing last-generation pop culture back in a time when tattoos were cool and there was no such thing as a song lacking suggestive content.

"Run and scream?" asked Fubuki.

"I don't think that would really help," said Shou.

"You'd be very surprised at what running and screaming can do," said Fubuki.

"That still makes no sense," said Shou.

"Robots are probably the most vile creatures to ever crawl out of the pit of original sin, second only to game designers and reality show screenplay writers," said Fubuki, suddenly becoming solemn. "They are the only species that can survive blasts from plasma cannons, bazookas, even…the Slaughter Stick."

"Or the Executioners Axe?" asked Shou.

"Probably not," said Fubuki.

Silence.

"So we're pretty much out of our element then?" said Shou.

"Uh huh," said Fubuki. "OOH! They're playing 'My Sherona'!"

"Then we'll just have to use cunning to outwit these robots, and then find some way to blow them up without really dangerous weapons and random, senseless violence," said Shou.

Silence.

"I CAN'T DO THIS!" cried Shou, gripping his head in frustration.

"Hold this," said Fubuki, shoving a scruchie into Shou's hands as he attempted to braid his hair.

"Can we just try blowing them up anyway?" asked Shou. "No no, braids don't work on you."

"Sorry, and…OKAY!" yelled Fubuki. "LET'S BLOW UP STUFF!"

"HOORAY FOR BLOWING UP STUFF!" said Shou, pulling out his gamma ray cannon, and Fubuki pulled out the slaughter stick. With that, the two fools bravely charged out from behind their stairway of safety (with a very interesting piece of graffiti written on the top stair) and whipped out their arms, the fangirl long fled, and began letting loose round after round of destruction.

SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

BANGBANBBAMBANGABANGPINGKAPINGWAM!

The entire area was turned into a cloud of dust and fire, swirling and growing, as the confused robots did nothing to avoid the blast, but simply stood still while they got internal mainframes pumped. And as the massive firestorm ended, the eerie silence of the room perfectly mixed with the charred dust that floated in the air.

"W007!" yelled Fubuki.

"HWAY!" said Shou.

However, the massive army of robot legions stood, and to Shou and Fubuki's horror, as the dust slowly settled, there wasn't a single scratch on their perfect, chrome, bubble-gum pink outer shells. Quite the contrary, now they turned their objective lenses to both Shou and Fubuki.

"_Threat Level: Five. Switching to attack…_"

And that's when the started belting out the music from 'Cats'.

"OH MY GOD! BROADWAY!" screamed Shou in horror, covering his ears in horror at the terrible song of the longest running play on broadway, and by far the weirdest.

"THAT'S WORSE THAN BEFORE!" yelled Fubuki in horror, also falling to the ground in pain. "RETREAT! RETREAT!"

And once again, the two fools ran away screaming like little school girls.

---ooo---

"Yes…I wish that from now on, whoever mistakes me for a girl will turn into a member of the opposite gender!" said Alister with strength in his voice.

"Granted," said Ka'aewu, waving his hands, with a little poof of purple smoke. "Now…about your payment…"

"HI GIRLY MAN!" said Valon stupidly, and with a poof, suddenly turning into a girl, waving wildly from the blue power bubble that suddenly floated into the room, which held both him and Raffy inside it. At the sight of Raffy's god cards, everyone in the room started to bow and say 'we're not worthy! We're not worthy!' to the cards.

"Now then…it's time for you to join my little collection of sanity," said Ka'aewu. "Whiile normally, I'm sure there's not much worth to any of you on those lines, but still, I tend to take what I can get."

"Wha-" said Alister, but it was too late. A huge bubble appeared around him, and he too was floated into the air. His bubble then merged with the bigger, blue bubble, and he fell into it, landing right on top of Valon.

"No need to try to resist now," said Ka'aewu, pulling out the sanity tester. "You see, now I shall take you back to my liar, and you shall be my sanity slaves, and I shall suck out every single drop of sanity that courses through your veins, until you are nothing left but an empty shell of randomness…"

"Hey! That's really mean Mr. Ka'aewu-san!" said Azusa, following Seta, who bounced happily into the room.

"Yeah! He is mean!" said Seta. "For that, you need…A HUG!"

Suddenly, the sanity tester that lay in Ka'aewu's hand began to vibrate out of control, and with a high pitched, screeching ring, it eventually cracked right through the center, and snapped cleanly in half.

"OH MY LORD!" screamed Ka'aewu. "YOU'RE SANITY'S IN THE TRIPPLE NEGATIVES! If you even hug me…then…then…"

"HUG TIME!" said Seta happily, happily spreading out her arms.

"NO!" screamed Ka'aewu, jumping up to a window with one bound and thrusting it open with one swift movement (looking rather hot while doing so ), "I'm going to drain the insanity from them, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

And with that, he leapt out the window, the bubble following him down.

"Oh no!" said Azusa. "Seta-san, they'll get hurt!"

"WAIT UP NEW BEST FRIEND!" said Seta boldly, and with one jump, she too leapt out the window.

"SETA-NEECHAN! NO! THIS IS A SECOND STORY WINDOW!" yelled Azusa, but Seta wouldn't hear a word of it. She flew down to the ground, landing like a ninja on it, with one hand on the ground, toe behind her, foot in front. However, as she looked up, she saw her new best friend quickly waving his hand, teleporting him to the center of the forest before she could do another thing.

"OH NO!" said Azusa, also jumping out the window to follow her friend, landing equally graceful. "Seta-neesan, he got away! What are we going to do?"

"NEVER FEAR!" said Seta. "TO THE MACH SETA!"

And with that, she whipped out a key chain, undid the security with a beep, and there in the parking lot, painted very recently with pink letters, was a car that looked suspiciously like the Mach Five from 'Speed Racer', but the 'Five' was covered in pink paint with 'Seta'.

"Uh…Seta, is that your car?" said Azusa, as Seta preformed a 'Dukes of Hazard' slide across the hood.

"NOPE! Borrowed it!" said Seta, firing up the car. "Come on! Hop in!"

"Uh…okay…" said Azusa uneasily, sliding into shotgun. The second she did, Seta slammed her foot down on the gas pedal, and with a screech, they both were thrown to the back of their seats, as Seta sped forward, running over a white Sonota in the process, as they both crazily weaved to the forest, Seta being the only person in the history of the school actually able to careen on the school track.

The only thing more appalling than Seta's personality is her driving.

---ooo---

"Now then my little pretties," said Ka'aewu, as the bubble dumped Valon, Raphael, and Alister into their own individual cage. "Lucky for you it's just about lunch time, and I feel rather peckish after chasing you…"

"GERMANS!"

"ATLANTIANS!"

"EGYPTIANS!"

"AMERICANS!"

"CHINESE!"

"GREEKS!"

"LITHUANIANS!"

"LIBERIANS!"

"WOUD YOU SHUT UP OVER THERE?" yelled Ka'aewu. "Now where were we…"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

At a wild angle, Seta slammed down on the brakes, as the car whooshed on it's side, tearing through the greenery leading to the inner sanctum of the forest whisperer. Everyone looked up in shock as Seta leapt out of the car.

"Oh no…not her…anyone…but…" said Ka'aewu, backing up in horror as Seta closed in.

"I WUV YOU!" said Seta.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

But it was too late. With one leap, Seta sprang foreward, landing on Ka'aewu, and giving him a big hug. With a screech, Ka'aewu began to writhe and shrink into her arms, and kept on screaming and shrinking, until he slowly grew quiet, and in Seta's hands, she held…a bunny rabbit.

"Uh…" said Alister. "What just happened.

"Oh that's easy!" said Ziggy. "Forest Whisperers are like huge insanity straws! Sure they can suck insanity into their bodies and stuff, but it can easily turned around, and when something so lacking in sanity, like that strange young woman over there, comes in contact with him, the sanity that he gained is entirely sucked out of his body, rendering him powerless!"

"And the reason he's a bunny?" asked Dartz.

"Dunno," said Ziggy.

"YAY! BUNNY!" said Seta, giving it a hug.

"Let go of me…" said Ka'aewu.

"Um…is someone going to let us out?" asked Raffy.

"SHE'S SO PRETTY!" screamed Valon, pointing to Seta.

"She…looks just…like…" cringed Alister.

---ooo---

"Ah, I feel much better now!" said Marik, walking out of the student lounge. "I can't believe that one episode of education television can heal all emotional wounds! Why, I've completely forgot about-"

Shock filled, painful silence.

"BEEEEEEEELZEBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUB!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, sinking to his knees and bawling his eyes out.

"Alright, that's it, stop crying already!" said the Ra hallucination, who stood in front of him in the hallway, a small worm hallucination standing next to him.

"Who…who…" said Marik, his eyes growing very large and cute.

"Yeah, well I was hanging out at the hallucination information seminar slash cocktail party, and word on the yard says that your so pathetic you can't even dissect a worm," said Ra. "Guh, I bet you'd be a lot worse with the pig."

"NOT OINKY!" yelled Marik.

"You had to bring that up, didn't you?" said the worm hallucination.

"So I found a friend of yours, hallucination Beelzebub, and now he's here to give you a little comfort. Right B?" said Ra.

"Beelzebub…" said Marik.

"Look Marik, I respect the fact that you don't want to hack up any members of my species, but I really think you're going a little bit overboard!" said Beelzebub, crawling over to Marik's pathetic form. "I mean the cross-dressing in itself is a little disturbing, but still, don't you think that it would make me happy to see you lose and be brutally executed?"

"No…I guess it wouldn't…" said Marik.

"Look Marik, if you really want to show that you care about me, then go out their and dissect that worm!" said Beelzebub. "If you lost, I would be much more unhappy than if you hacked up one of my fellow worms. I mean come on, their kinda dead anyway, not much we can do…"

"You…you're right!" said Marik, shakily getting up to his feet. "I need to fight and win this game! I'll beat Tea, and I'll do it for you Beelzebub!"

"That's the spirit," said Ra dully. "Now let's get back before they eat all the shrimp."

"Right behind ya," said Beelzebub, following him, as Marik bravely bound up and ran to the biology room as fast as his legs could carry him. This was it. He was determined to win, even though he only had five minutes left to dissect his worm. But as he nearly ran over students walking in the hallway, as he crashed into various teachers, as he ran up flights of stairs in a heartbeat, he couldn't stop thinking about the soul fact that he needed to win for his beloved Beelzebub.

"I RETURN!" Marik screamed, as he slammed open the biology door with one blow, thrusting it open with a slam.

"And miraculously, Marika has reentered the room, and boy does she mean business!" said Bob I.

"Gimme!" said Marik, ripping a worm out of the soup, and with one slick moving he (_A/N _The exact details of this dissection have been removed for the welfare of the more sensitive readers in the audience).

"Amazing," said Bob II. "Marik has singlehandly done every stage of the dissection in less than two minutes, of what took Tea and entire half hour!"

"I think that's pretty hot…" said Jimu, the kid who hated everyone.

"Whoa, Marik…a…" said Odion.

"That's amazing!" said Tristan.

"What the-" said Tea in shock.

"And now it's time for the judges to make their final decision!" said Bob I. "Judges…"

Odion and Jimu held up a card that said 'Marika' (Jimu's had 'wanna go for a movie' under his), and Joey held up a picture of a bowl of fruit.

"The winner of this dissect-off to the death is…MARIKA!" said Bob II. "What an exciting match! Spectacular!"

"So that means…oh dear…" said Tea, dropping her scalpol.

"Right!" said Marik, after doing a very odd looking victory dance. "Now I shall order your execution…right after I go outside and throw up…"

---ooo---

"Marik, I'm very proud of you," said Odion, as Marik was violently vomiting into a garbage can. "I don't know why…but I am."

"Thanks Odion…" said Marik, barfing out a fresh wave by the time he finished speaking.

"And now…I'm a little less proud," said Odion.

"She doesn't show up on the index, that's gotta be her!" said members of the fangirl army.

"That hair, that figure, that poise…yeah, I can see where Seto's commin' from," said another.

"Let's just get her quick before that bald kid notices."

"I still am a little grateful that you're doing this in the halway, and not in your shirt like the last time," said Odion, as a net wrapped around Marik, and before he could utter a sound, in a split second, dragged him away. "I mean I respect that you were trying to be inconspicuous but…Marik? Woo hoo? Where'd you go?"

---ooo---

"Who on Earth stole my car I am very mad that someone stole me car!" said Speed Racer in the parking lot.

---ooo---

Next time, Asuka wants a battle, Seto vs. the lunch table force field, and the fangirls strike again! What horror will come next?


	15. Seniors and Pizza Rolls Don't Mix

WOOT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE OUT THERE, WHETHER IT BE HANUKAH OR CHRISTMAS OR KWANZA OR WINTER SOLSTICE, OR WHATEVER! YOU ALL GET…CHOCOLATLY GOODNESS! (Throws chocolate in everyone's faces).

Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I seemed to drop off the face of the Earth for about tow weeks. Well, interesting story. You see, just before the holidays, like, two days before actually, my grandma broke her leg. And since I had the vacation I was whisked away to a magical land called 'Upstate', to a domain where the gas is cheap and the beer is cheaper. However, in consequence, this magical was technologically inferior to home, considering I didn't have access to a pencil sharpener, much less a home computer. So my vacation was spent cooking, cleaning, and of course, playing new games I got for Christmas. So I'm sorry if I gave any of you a scare. I'd never drop out of a half done story. That's just tacky.

By the way, I watched the anime 'Slayers' for the first time, and it was hilarious ! Is it just me, or does Lena have the same voice actor as Serenity? Weird…

**Chapter Fifteen**

**SENIORS AND PIZZA ROLLS DON'T MIX**

_In which we encounter…THE CHIBI GAS!_

"Ow…dangit…" said Marik, suddenly pulling himself up, from the bottom of a pink, fuzzy plush cage, feeling the feeble light falling down from the house lights of the house lights of the ancient, underground auditorium. "What the…what's going on?"

"Quiet girl," said a fan girl behind him, chucking a pencil at the back of his head. "So you dare try to steal away Seto Kaiba's heart from us, the group of two hundred women who DESERVE him?"

"What the heck are you baka women talking about?" asked Marik.

"Shut yer face," said another fangirl, also chucking a pencil at him. "I know we don't appear outwardly threatening, what with our plushie cages and all, but that's just because the other ones are in the shop! Plush these match the interior!"

"Okay, why would I want steal the heart of a guy?" said Marik. "I AM a guy. And plus if this Kaiba or whatever is falling for men instead of two hundred women, I really think you relationship…s are doomed to fail."

"ZIP IT!" said another. "And what do you mean you aren't a girl? You are too a girl, so shut up and stop making pathetic excuses!"

"I-AM-NOT-A-GIRL!" yelled Marik.

"Then why do you have bleach blonde hair, are wearing earrings, and wearing a girl's uniform?" asked one of the fangirls.

"IT'S NOT BLEACHED!" yelled Marik, to have yet another pencil thrown at him.

"Stop this," said one fan girl, walking toward him with a night stick. "I think it's about time we start to question her…"

---ooo---

All was quiet in one particular hallway of the school. It always was quiet at this time of day. So painfully quiet, that you could almost hear the distant shriek of a person, and the faint music of 'Rock Lobster'. However, in merely a minute the whole halway would be thrown into chaos.

BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

The school bell sounded in the classrooms, and for a moment or two, all was silent. However, slowly, at the distance at first, then growing in volume bit by bit, you could hear it. The pounding beat of the feet of a thousand teens, their hearts suddenly on fire, their humanly instincts and compassion abandoned, pursuing the most carnal of school events. And today…it was going to be worse.

It was…lunch…

But not just any lunch. Just as for every dynasty, there is a mighty treasure that must be protected from the hands of vagrants and thieves, Domino High School has a crowing jewel that unites the rich and the poor, the brave and the cowardly, the men and the women, the old and the young, and of whom all flock to, adore, and will protect with their flimsy, insignificant lives if necessary.

Pizza rolls.

But not just any pizza rolls. These were the thickest, the cheesiest, the most tender pizza rolls that no man has ever tasted before. You either have to be mad, stupid, or have no taste buds whatsoever to ignore this tasty treat. Even the lactose intolerant kids linded up, not caring if they went into respiratory arrest after eating these precious gems.

So of course, the line that was serving the Pizza Rolls went down five classrooms and up the stair, and the line for soups, sandwiches, salads, etc. was occupied by people who were mad, stupid, had no taste buds whatsoever, and so on.

"WOW JOEY!" said Yugi at the top of his lungs. "Isn't this awesome? By some slim chance we managed to make it to the beginning of the line before everyone else!"

"Pizza rolls…" said Joey, who's saliva was already dripping in great waterfalls at the corners of his mouth, just thinking of taking in eighteen thousand calories worth of food.

"I'm just worried," said Tea, of who she and Tristan were just behind Yugi and Joey. "Have you ever wondered why we never make it this close to the beginning of the line?"

"Wait…hang on…the consequence of getting spots this good are slowly starting to hit me…" said Tristan, pondering to himself. "Okay, hang on, just one more minute, and I swear I'll get it…coming…still coming…"

"HEY SOPHMORE WEENIES!" yelled a bunch of huge, hulking senior boys, each at a minimum of six foot one, weighing at least two hundred pounds each, containing a combined IQ rivaling that as most cleaning utensils, and all wearing football jerseys. "Get out of our spots!"

"Still coming…hang on…" said Tristan.

"We got these spots fair and square! Go wait in the line like everyone else!" said Tea.

"Yeah! Or I'll tear you apart limb from limb all by myself!" said Yugi sweetly.

Silence.

Followed by ten seconds of raucous laughter.

"Warmer…I'm getting warmer…" said Tristan to himself.

"Look dweeb," said the biggest, brawniest, stupidest member of the seniors. "We are seniors. You are wussy sophomores.

"So?" asked Joey.

"My God, it's so close I can touch it…" said Tristan.

"Look, here's how the divine cycle of high school works," said the idiot senior. "We, being bigger, older, and having less brain cells than you are going to graduate this year, so were having our last hurrahs before we move on and become the bottom of the food chain again at college or at the local convenience store slash gas station. Then, when you grow up, your brain cells disintegrate from one too many beer parties, and you're huge, you beat on the sophomores, who then become sad and retain emotion trauma, and then when they become seniors, they beat up on the sophomores, and the cycle continues. Got it?"

"Huh?" said Joey, his concentration fixed solely on the pizza rolls.

"Almost…got it…" said Tristan.

"Will you be my friend?" asked Yugi.

_That all girl college my Mom brought up is sounding very appealing right now_ thought Tea.

"Okay, let's put this in terms you can understand…" said the head senior.

---ooo---

"Wow, this makes it the third time we've been shoved in the janitor's closet this week!" said Joey.

"AAAH! DARK!" cried Yugi.

"Got it! Seniors always want first spot!" said Tristan.

"That came about five hundred words too late Tristan…" said Tea.

"Don't worry! Kaiba will save us!" said Yugi. "HEY! KAIBA! CAN YOU HEAR US? WE GOT LOCKED IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET AGAIN! KAIBA! WOO-HOO! KAIBA!"

Seto completely ignored the fact that it sounded like the nerd parade had gotten themselves locked in the janitor's closet again. He was concentrating on better things, like the fact that he was smart enough to stay in the middle of the line and wait his turn, not to mention deeply hoping for a certain someone to come, who was, in fact, coming.

"YAY! LUNCH!" yelled Bianca at the top of her lungs, bounding down the hallway full speed in her usual odd-looking skip down the hallways. Seto felt his heart skip a beat, and a blissfully weird smile that most weirdoes get when their sickeningly in love. However-

"BIANCA!" screamed Tish angrily, walking out from around a corner, and grabbing her by the back of her collar. "Where the heck were you? I was looking for you everywhere! I see that you did an _excellent _job of stopping the virus!"

"HI TISH!" yelled Bianca stupidly.

"You know what? You scare me," said Tish. "Guh, there's no time for lunch, we've got to stop this madness before anything gets more out of control…"

"Um…um…hi…Bi…anca…" said Seto pathetically from the sidelines, waving pathetically, and overall looking pathetic.

"HEY! IT'S THE KOREAN KID!" said Bianca.

"The Korean Kid?" asked Tish.

"Yeah…hi…uh…if you…uh…you can get in front…of…me…" said Seto weakly.

"YAY!" said Bianca.

"You," said Tish, yanking her back just before she charged foreword, causing her to gag rather painfully at having the front of her collar contact so sharply with her trachea. "Go blow up something."

"OKAY!" Bianca said dimly, ripping out a plasma cannon, wondering if there were still some vending machines that could be blown up. Tish just stared as Seto, who was staring there, beat red, not sure exactly if it would be to pushy to call Bianca back, and having his mind reel over what he'd say if he did.

_Weirdo_, Tish thought, walking off.

---ooo---

"Okay, I am saying this right now, _no_," said Asuka.

"Look, if you want to be my younger sibling, you have to do it," said Ryou.

"I AM NOT GOING TO WALK ACROSS A TIGHT ROPE TIED TO THE FLAG POLE AND THE TELPHONE POLE WEARING THE BACK HALF OF A HORSE COSTUME AND BALANCING A BUCKET OF WATER ON MY HEAD SINGING 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'!" yelled Asuka, looking at the course spread in front of her on the school track between to telephone poles that she needed to complete.

"Baby," said Ryou.

"Your family is full of sadists Ryou," said Asuka. "No wonder why Shou always insisted that we killer bee proof the entire HQ facility, and we all walk around with bullet proof vests 'just to be safe'."

"Again, baby," said Ryou. "And for your information, being a member of a family of sadists has it's benefits. By rigorous physical training, I am ready and willing for any form of misfortune to happen to me, anytime, anywhere, and how to avoid it perfectly."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

That's when Ryou got crushed by a giant anchor that fell out of nowhere, before he even got another chance to move.

"I'd laugh, but that would be cruel," said Asuka.

"Oh, you better watch out down there," said a head belonging to the freaky Goth Chick from Chapter Six. "I always polish my anchors on the roof. It's not really safe to stand down their in case one of them falls down."

"Your just a skoonch too late," said Asuka.

"Ow…" said Ryou.

"Oh, you must be Asuka Tenjoin and Ryou Marufuji or something like that," said the Goth Chick, nimbly leaping off the roof, and with a cool spiral in mid-air, landing perfectly on her feet three stories below. "I hope you've figured out how to use my Happy Chorus."

"Uh no, come to think of it, we don't even know where it is," said Asuka.

"Shame," said the Goth Chick. "They contain the secret on how to stop the demon before she's resurrected, or after if you were too stupid not to figure out how to prevent it when you were supposed to figure it out."

"It's nice to meet you too," said Asuka dryly.

"…that hurt…" said Ryou.

"Anyway, I need to pass on some very important information to you," said the Goth Chick. "An increased amount of fangirl activity has been detected around the school, sparking a witch hunt of sorts to capture every single girl in the school and force them into submission so that they may be question and have all matters of information beaten out of them by force. So far their only targeting girls who don't show up on identification, but they may start taking every girl in school under hostage if this doesn't stop."

"They seem a little obsessive," said Asuka.

"…really hurt…" said Ryou.

"They're fangirls, it's their nature," said the Goth Chick. "I request that before you continue you exploits you stop this before things get out of control."

"That may be a little hard, considering we're already wholly preoccupied with stopping hit dubbers, hunting down the source of ultimate evil, and stop Shou and Fubuki from killing themselves," said Asuka.

"I don't think that goes there…" said Ryou.

"I assure you, left unchecked, this could be a huge disaster," said the Goth Chick. "Never underestimate the forces of mass hysteria. These fangirls have already launched operatives throughout the school. You have to stop them, and now."

KACHACK!

Just as Ryou managed to shove the half ton anchor out of his diaphragm, all three heard the familiar click of a gun hammer getting in position to fire. Asuka turned instinctively to see what was behind them, and dressed in black jeans, a black turtleneck, a black pair of combats, and a black face mask that made her look like a ninja was Ebony Crow, holding what appeared to be some sort of ray-gun.

"Seems like you're the only three whose noticed," said Ebony Crow. "That's good. I will enjoy destroying the first spy."

"You realized that you and your army are being unreasonable beyond belief, correct?" said the Goth Girl.

"What our society does and doesn't do is none of your concern," said Ebony Crow coldly, still pointing the gun at all three of them.

"Oh jeez, that's going to need an Icy Hot patch," said Ryou, getting up and cracking his spine.

"It becomes our concern when you take girls into custody and do cruel, unusual things to them in a fit of deranged, fanatical rage," said Asuka.

"You would never understand…none of you would," said Ebony Crow. "Let me put it this way. If it becomes your concern, then I'll make sure to _unmake _it your concern."

"You realize we can't let you do this," said Asuka.

"Unless you kill us of course," said Ryou.

"Shut up Ryou," said Asuka.

"I know," said Black Crow, aiming, "I know."

BAM!

With that, she fired her beam, completely severing one of the telephone poles from it's base, dragging down the other one along with it, collapsing the various number of things, which good ol' Ryou made sure were extra, extra heavy, on top of the three, completely knocking out the Goth Girl and Ryou, and slamming Asuka hard to, only leaving her a few minutes of consciousness.

"Wh…Why…" said Asuka, with her last capable breaths.

"It's better if you just stayed out of this," said Black Crow, pulling out a grenade and ripping out the pin, releasing a spray of gas as she tossed it in front of Asuka, who coughed and sputtered on inhalation. "I never wanted to do this to you…"

With that, she turned away, leaving Asuka to pass out on the grounds.

---ooo---

"For the last time, stop hugging me," said Ka'aewu, now in bunny form, as Seta and Azusa walked down the hall to the lunch room. "Your touch still burns my hyde. Stop hugging me."

"I wuv you cutsy bunny!" said Seta, giving Ka'aewu a bigger huge.

"YOU'RE A SICK AND REPULSIVE WOMAN!" said Ka'aewu angrily. "MY GOD I HATE YOU!"

"Fwiend…" said Seta, hugging him even more.

"Seta-Oneesan, I don't think Ka'aewu-san likes being hugged," said Azusa.

"NONESENCE!" said Seta. "Everyone loves hugs!"

"Excuse me," said a nameless high school student with only two lines, this being the funniest of them. "Are you the horrible deamon of ultimate pain and destruction that threatens to ravage the entire universe?"

"YUPPERS! That's me!" said Seta.

"Someone named Asuka asked me to give this to you," said the nameless high school student with only two lines, the funniest one being the previous, shoving a piece of paper in Seta's face, which she picked up with one hand, holding Ka'aewu the forest whisperer bunny in the other.

"What does it say Nee-san?" asked Azusa sweetly as Seta opened up the letter with one hand, reading it.

_**BEAST OF CHAOS,**_

_**YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS HERE. I HAVE COME TO DEFEAT YOU AND STOP YOU BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO ENACT YOUR SICK AND TWISTED PLANS. IF BLOOD TRULY RUNS THROUGH YOUR VEINS, AND YOU ARE WILLING TO GAMBLE IT, THEN GO TO THE ROOF TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE END OF THE PERIOD TO DO BATTLE. FAIR WARNING, ONE OF US SHALL DIE AT THE OTHER'S HANDS.**_

_Cheers,_

_Asuka_

"BEST FRIEND MEETING AT THE END OF THE PERIOD! YAY!" said Seta, eagerly jumping up and down, also shaking Ka'aewu violently, which really ticked him off.

"Seta-nee, I think you should stop jumping," said Azusa.

"STOP BOUNCING ME AROUND, OR I'LL BITE YOU WENCH!" yelled Ka'aewu.

"Huh, I wonder what 'gamble my blood' means!" said Seta. "OH WELL! NEW BEST FRIENDS! NEW BEST FRIENDS!

---ooo---

"So how long do you think it'll take for the magic to wear off?" asked Alister to Valon and Raffy, Valon still woefully unaware that he was a girl, and that guys in the hallway were all staring at his now dynamite figure.

"Zigfried said until about the end of the day," said Raffy. "Which is a shame, I think Valon would make a very nice girl."

"OI'M GOING TO ASK THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON A DATE!" said Valon at the top of his lungs, causing several people who were drooling at him/her to suddenly look at him/her in bug-eyed surprise.

"Not that freaky chick that looks like Kaiba, right? And not as a girl, right?" asked Raffy.

"You ask her out, and I'll beat you sensible you stupid Auzie," said Alister evilly. "I don't care how stupid you are, you're not dating anyone that half-way REMINDS me of IT!"

"You refer to Kaiba as an 'it'?" asked Raffy.

"SO WHAT IF I DO?" asked Alister.

"You're more nuts than I thought you were…" said Raffy. "In f-hey, where's Valon?"

They both turned around to where Valon once stood, but he had completely disappeared.

---ooo---

Meanwhile in Domino Cafeteria, no one seemed to notice that a huge tent was erected in the center of it made of trench-coats, and that under it was a sad little CEO who was jabbering like mad to his plushie Blue Eyes White Dragon.

"-and then she ran off before I got a chance to ask her if she wanted to sit next to me at lunch to eat," said Seto. "What the heck am I going to do? I can't just go up and ask her now!"

"Wait, back up," said Snuggles. "Yeh actually _eat_?"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Seto. "But now I don't have the guts to go ask her if she wants to, because her friend or whatever told her to go blow up something, and so if I interrupt her it would be rude, but if I don't lunch will be over, I'll never get to talk to her, and I'll die all alone!"

"So yeh do eat?" asked Snuggles.

"SHUT UP I SAID!" yelled Seto. "What the heck am I going to do?"

"What yeh need mah boy is a wingman," said Snuggles.

"A _what_?" asked Seto.

"Wingman," said Snuggles, pulling out a dictionary. "A charismatic person who's purpose is to introduce single people to other singles who seem fit for each other."

"WHO THE HECK DO I KNOW WHO'D DO THAT?" said Seto. "Oh no…no way…you aren't suggesting…"

---ooo---

"Joey…uh…I think we're running out of air," said Yugi.

"There'd be a lot more if Tea shut up about us being a bunch of idiots!" yelled Joey angrily.

"Shut up idiot," said Tea, somehow gaining enough elbow room to smack Joey in the back of the head.

SLAM!

All four fell with sudden shock at getting enough room to actually spread out a little bit, so they all fell on top of each other, and all at the feet of Seto, who looked thoroughly ruffled.

"I TOLD YOU HE'D SAVE US!" said Yugi cheerfully.

"I need one of you losers to be my wingman!" said Seto.

"WHAT?" yelled everyone at the top of their longs.

"Okay, there's this girl okay," said Seto "and I have this crush on her, and I need one of you to go up to her and introduce me because-"

He stopped in mid sentence.

"Wait…what the frick am I doing!" he said to himself in horror. "NO! I REFUSE TO STOOP THIS LOW! IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS, I'M DOING IT MY WAY BEEP IT! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? NONE OF YOU! NONE OF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

With that, Seto turned around and walked away in a huff, muttereing darkly to himself, and while not many of the gan could catch his exact words, it had something to do with ripping the head of a plushie dragon.

Silence.

"Okay…what?" said Yugi.

"PIZZA ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLS!" screamed Joey, running off to get a good spot in line, causing him to get pummeled by the freshmen.

---ooo---

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

Ryou stood up in horror, suddenly snapping out of unconsciousness at ten thousand miles per hour hearing Asuka's frantic screams of terror.

"What? What happened?" Ryou asked, taking himself aback in shock at the fact that now his voice was a couple octives higher than it should be. He shook it away. It might have just been laryngitis.

"I…we…we…" stammered Asuka, her voice higher too.

"We what?" asked Ryo, still shocked that his voice was so darn high.

"WE SHWUNK!" screamed Asuka in horror, suddenly popping out from behind a telephone pole, her clothes much baggier than the were before, here eyes now twice their size, and now having the stature of someone who was about five years old.

"GOOD GOD!" yelled Ryou, at an adorably cute, high voice, pressing his hands to his face, revealing that his shirt sleeves had bagged so much that they fell over his hands, and when he pulled them down, his hands were about three sizes smaller than usual.

"What happened?" asked Asuka. "I remember we got knocked out but…but…"

"Chibi gas…" said Ryou darkly.

"Youw kiddin'!" said Asuka. "I tot dat stuff was outwalled in da seventies!"

"It was," said Ryou. "Dees fangwils musta had access to it! Dey weally aw dangewous!"

"OH CWAP!" yelled Asuka. "I chawenged da wesuwection of uwtimate evil to a deaf match! I need to get back to nowmal and fast, or else I won't be able to destwoy hew!"

"We gotta stop those fangiwls den," said Ryou. "Hey, whewes da Goth Giwl?"

"We don't have time!" said Asuka. "Wee gotta get Fubuki and Show and Mobstew and da rest or we'we toast!"

"Uh…I think we need to get some decent cwolves fiwst," said Ryou, whose shirt's neckline was so huge it was sliding down his shoulder.

"Goowd point," said Asuka, stopping hers from falling off her shoulder.

---ooo---

"MARIK!" screamed Odion, wandering the hallways. "WHERE ARE YOU? MAAA-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!

---ooo---

Yeah, that chapter was a little more fragmented than I intended, but the next one will be better, I promise. I just need to get my act together.

Next time, Marik gets brutally questioned by the fangirls, the happy chorus attacks, and it's fangirls vs Seta, Azusa, and Ka'aewu the bunny! Who will win? See you next week!


	16. Dumb Girls

"_Good Morning, how are you, I'm Doctor Worm.  
__I'm interested in things.  
__I'm not a real Doctor  
__But I am a real worm, I'm an actual worm  
__I live like a worm."_

_-They Might Be Giant's 'Doctor Worm'_

You can tell who just got a 'They May Be Giants' CD.

Today I had my bought of bad luck, because I decided to give clues as to which character on Yu-Gi-Oh I liked, because my friend has an almost disgusting (did I say 'almost'?) fixation with Inu-Yasha, but I specifically requested her not to blurt it out when I figured it out.

So of course today, halfway on my way to class, she screamed 'YOU LIKE SETO KAIBA?' at the top of her lungs...in a crowded hallway...of twenty people...most of whom I know.

Am I wrong to feel a bit embarrased, and have an insaciableneed to strangle her?

**Chapter Sixteen**

**DUMB GIRLS**

_In which Shou and Fubuki learn to fight fire with fire._

"Could we turn the light down a little bit?" asked Marik, as he shielded his eyes from the blast that he got from the light from the huge lamp one of the fangirls pointed at Marik in the tiny, dark-except-for-the-blinding-light-from-the-lamp room.

"Shut up," said the fangirl. "What's your name?"

"Marik Ishtar, now let me go before I do as many mean things I can while being tied up to a chair," said Marik.

"Shut up!" said a fan-girl, hitting him with another pencil. "You're in no position to make demands! Do you know Seto Kaiba?"

"The skinny kid with the freaky hair point?" asked Marik.

"HOW DARE YOU?" said one of the fangirls, slapping him with the back of her hand. "Even if he did love you, you have no right to tread the same grounds as him, or even to breath the same air as him you evil…little…UGH! Words cannot describe you, you worthless filth!"

"Mine can," said Marik. "Wanna hear some?"

"SHUT UP!" said the fangirl, throwing another pencil at him. "If you did love him, would you pursue him?"

"Uh…" said Marik.

"IT'S A YES OR NO QUESTION!" yelled the girl.

"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled Marik.

"DON'T KNOW OR DON'T WANT TO KNOW?" yelled the fangirl.

"Well really…a little of both…" said Marik.

"CONFESSION!" screamed another interrogator in the room.

"IT'S NOT A BLOODY CONFESSION, I JUST DON'T KNOW!" yelled Marik.

"CONFESS YOU FIEND!" said another fangirl, throwing pencils at Marik. "CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!"

"CONFESS WHAT?" screamed Marik.

"That's it!" said one of the interrogators. "Leave this one to me…a few minutes with my favorite toys, and he'll be singing like a little birdy…"

---ooo---

"I'm sorry miss, but you're travel papers have been rejected," said one of the ticket sellers at the airline. "The error reading says that the Brittish Government has rejected your passport number. I'm afraid you can't fly to UK."

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" yelled Mobster angrily. "What wussy excuse do you have for not letting me buy a ticket?"

"Well, according to the file, in the two-day trip that you took to the UK, you were convicted of thirty seven different cases of stalking, disturbance of the peace, and violation of personal space by hugging…once you got into the airport," said the ticket seller. "Things went downhill from there I'm assuming."

"They were dropped eventually!" said Mobster.

"That doesn't change the fact that you aren't allowed to fly there," said the ticket seller.

"I told you we should have just stayed in the school and wait until we got deployed somewhere around there!" said ASV, trying once again, in vain, to calm down Mobster after she had another bout of anglophilic rage, as we once again joined our favorite chibi friends at the Domino Airport, as Mobster was about to strangle a ticket seller, ASV was trying to hold her back, and Double S was happily munching some airline peanuts that someone was kind enough to give him.

_Barney is a di-no-saur from our im-a-gin-a-tion, and when he's tall he's what we call-_

"Oh, that's my cell phone!" said Double S sweetly, pulling it out of his knapsack and flipping it open. "'Ello!"

"Yes! It's Dubow S!" said Asuka on the other end of the line, still in chibi form, but managing to steal some decent clothes from the lost and found box at the Elementary School right next door, standing on top of Ryou, who was trying to give her a boost in a phone booth to reach the pay phone. "I knew it was good dat we asked him fow his cew phone numbuh!"

"Why am I on da bottom…" asked Ryou.

"I'm sorry, who is this?" asked Double S, not recognizing the sound of the five-year-old voice on the phone.

"It's me, Asuwka!" said Asuka "Me and Weyo awe in twouble!"

"I'm sorry, I don't think you're the Asuka I know. Goodbye!" said Double S, hanging up.

"CWAP!" yelled Asuka. "Qwick Weyo, hand me anova quawta…"

_Barney is a di-no-saur from our-_

"'Ello?" said Double S.

"Dubow S, wea not kiddin'!" said Asuka. "A fangiwl doused us wit Chibi Gas!"

"Chibi gas?" said Double S, as Mobster leapt over the counter and began to violently attack the ticket person. "I thought that they made that illegal in the seventies!"

"Asuwka, I'm swippin…" said Ryo, about to collapse from having Asuka's weight on top of his.

"Dey did!" said Asuka. "We need yoo to get ovah hewe and hewp us befow it's too-AAAAAAAAAA-WEYO YOU IDI-"

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.

"Uh oh," said Double S, closing his cell phone in horror, as two security guards were trying to pry Mobster off of the ticket lady's jugular.

---ooo---

_There will now be a short intermission_

"ISH-TAM-BUL WAS CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE NOW IT'S IS-TAM-BUL NOT CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE BEEN A LONG TIME GONE, CON-STAN-TI-NO-PLE-"

_Okay, that's enough_

---ooo---

"YOU FIEND! YOU ABSOLUTE FIEND! THIS IS THE SICKEST THING IN THE WORLD I'VE EVER SEEN ANYONE DO! FOR RA'S SAKE, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ANYWAY? AND YOU'RE…YOU'RE…HOW DARE YOU TOURTURE, EVEN _YOURSELF_ IN SUCH A FIENDISH MANOR?"

"Dude, it's a peanut butter sandwich, calm down," said a fangirl to Marik, who was screaming at her at the top of his lungs. He was currently strapped down to a long board, which looked ideal for any form of torturing whatsoever, a perfect gift for any occasion, and available for as low as $59.99 at Target.

"Now then," said the fangirl torturer. "Would you only want the only slightly painful treatment, or the painful treatment?"

"Slightly painful please," said Marik.

"Sorry, we only got painful," said the torturer. "We have the especially painful torture if you're feeling dangerous."

"But you said you have slightly painful available!" said Marik. "I can call false advertising!"

"See? Now since your independently thinking, that calls for especially painful, everything worked out in the end," said the torturer, holding out the peanut butter in front of Marik. "Peanut Butter."

"AH! PEANUT BUTTER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marik in terror.

"I have a feeling I'm going to have a _fun _time with you," said the fangirl torturer. "Okay, sharp pointy objects or something incredibly hot? Or maybe stretching random parts of your body? Or the many things I can hit you with? Ah, that's the best thing about this job! You get so many different options! Not to mention dental _and _chiropractic!"

_Not chick flicks…anything but chick flicks…oh Ra, not chick flicks…_thought Marik in terror.

"I'm feeling in a chick flick kind of mood myself…" said the torturer, pulling out a DVD with a skull and cross bones on the cover.

_BLAST!_

"Okay, I hope you don't mind the fact that you're going to have a torture mate," said the torturer.

"I do," said Marik.

"Too bad," said the torturer. "Marika, I am pleased to introduce to you, Valon."

"G'DAY!" yelled Valon at the top of his/her lungs as he was being dragged in with a chain around his/her neck, with a really stupid grin on his/her face.

"Whoa, hottie alert," said Marik.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," said the torturer. "Well then, this is going to call for the big stuff. Hang on while I go look for 'Girl, Interupted'."

"Wow! Look at all this stuff!" said Valon, as the torturer left the room. "Someone could really get hurt in a place like this!"

Marik just stared at him/her.

"It's a good thing I like dumb girls," said Marik.

"Huh?" said Valon.

---ooo---

"It's no use Fubuki," said Shou, as the two hid inside a janitor's closet, while the robots eagerly paced back and forth in front of it, waiting for the perfect moment to strike their brainless prey down. "They're closing in. This may be the last time we ever hear 'Good Girls Don't'."

"Syrus, there's something I need to ask you if this is really the end," said Fubuki.

"Yeah?" asked Shou, shaking wildly.

"…what color underwear are you wearing?" asked Fubuki.

"WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT?" asked Shou.

"'cuz," said Fubuki.

"I just wish that there was something that we could do to defeat the robots!" said Shou. "Blowing them up doesn't kill them, and…wow, now that I think about it, blowing them up is really the only thing we tried."

"Huh?" asked Fubuki, beginning to take off his shirt.

"Wait…hang on…" said Shou to himself, tapping his chin. "There's something Asuka's always telling me to do during times when blowing stuff up doesn't work…now what is it…it's on the tip of my tongue…"

_SHOU! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO EMPTY THE LINT TRAP BEFORE DRYING YOUR CLOTHES?_

"No, that wasn't it," said Syrus, as Fubuki neatly folding up his removed shirt with almost Martha Stewart like precision. "Okay…maybe it was…"

_Okay, so a mommy and a daddy who love each other very much-_

"NONONONONONO!" said Syrus, shaking his head viciously and banging it with his fist. "DANGIT! I was trying to forget that too! Wait, maybe it was-"

_When all else fails, USE YOUR THREE BRAIN CELLS!_

"THAT'S IT!" said Shou, banging his fist in his hand with realization.

"What?" asked Fubuki, who was just about to unbutton his pants.

"Asuka always told me that when blowing stuff up doesn't work, we have to use our brains to think up a plan!" said Shou triumphantly.

"Our _whats_?" asked Fubuki.

---ooo---

"Attention all carbon based life forms in the storage unit," said one of the robot drones outside of the closet, all the rest of the robots standing in a battle formation. "We have you surround. Surrender to our masses now, or we'll be forced to infiltrate the premises of you concealment."

With that, the door to the closet sprang open, and there, strong, guant, and noble were our two fools, Shou and Fubuki, Fubuki, thankfully, with his shirt back on, and both ready to make their last stand.

"Do you surrender totally, utterly, and with no presence of resistance whatsoever?" asked the robot leader.

"No, we do not," said Shou.

"We don't?" asked Fubuki.

"NO!" said Shou.

"Okay!" said Fubuki cheerfully.

"Then we will be forced to drive you both into submission," said the robot leader, as the robot torsos parted, as boom boxes began to materialize on them. "Prepare to have you ear drums destroyed."

"Not so fast…" said Shou, as he and Fubuki both pulled out a pink boom box with pastel colored flowers all over it.

"Resistance is-"

"-_booooooooooow my head to insaaaaaane circumstaaaaaaaance, open hands, and let it all gooooo-o-ooooooo-o-ooooo-"_

The robots suddenly felt themselves recoiling in terrible pain, their audio sensors rocketing off the charts in the horror of Heidi Berry's 'Follow'.

"What…WHAT MANOR OF INSULT IS THIS?" the leader cried.

"We know the intense power of your infinite gallery of 80's music!" said Shou bravely.

"So we shall tap a power of our own…ART ROCK!" screamed Fubuki.

"YOU FOOLS! THIS SHALL NOT COME TO PASS!" said the robot.

"_-my bay-bee takes the mor-ning TRAIN, he works from nine to five and THEN, he takes an-no-ther home a-GAIN-"_

"GAH! 'MORNING TRAIN!" said Shou, covering his ears in horror.

"Good Pinkie, but not good enough!" said Fubuki, switching the track.

"_-COME ON BABY, NOW GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO LEGIT...JUST ONE SANE MAN TO SHOW ME YOU GIVE A-"_

" 'Selfless, Cold, and Compossed' by Ben Folds Five eh?" said the robot leader, while it's comrades recoiled in pain. "You haven't won yet! NEXT TRACK!"

"_-my blood runs cold, WOO, my mem-o-ree has just been sold, my angel is the cen-ter-fold-"_

"NOT 'CENTERFOLD'!" yelled Fubuki.

"Okay…no more…it's time for the big guns…" said Shou. "FUBUKI! Quick, turn to track seventeen!"

"NOT THAT TRACK!" screamed Fubuki. And when Fubuki advises against the insane…well, come on! It's too hot to handle!

"_HE BRINGS DOWN THE FIRE, FROM THE SKY! LOOK UPON THE DOOM AND DEFY THE LOOK IN HUMAN EYES, BETTER NOT COM-PRO-MISE, IT WON'T BE EA-SY-"_

"NOT GENESIS' 'SUPPER'S READY'!" screamed the leaders, as the robots began to scream and collapse into molten metal bits behind him, their bodies not able to stand the massive pressure of the infamous twenty two minute long song (twenty three and a half if you count the intro). "NOOOOOOOO VERY NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"It's working the Fubuki!" said Shou. "They're simultaneously combusting! We've won!"

"VV007!" screamed Fubuki.

"This…isn't…over…" said the robot. "You have played well…Shou…and Fubuki…but we shall…meet again…and then…then…I shall win…"

POOF!

With that, for a reason still undefined, the robots disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"They didn't get away…did they?" asked Shou.

"They may have this time, but next time, we'll be ready!" said Fubuki. "I SH4LL OWNZ3R J00 R0807 H0RD3Z!"

And that was the day when Shou and Fubuki chalked up a victory.

---ooo---

It was an absolutely splendid day, unseasonably pleasant outside, with the sun shining, the birds singing, and other pictures, postcard worthy goodness. Because of that, everyone in Domino City was eating their lunch outside, including the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, the freelance journalist, the lion tamer, the nuclear power plant inspector and his three eyed canary, the cheese wheeler, the local street gangs, and the nice invaders from Planet Nor that we met in chapter two.

But especially the happy, chipper, and bright students of Domino High School were romping about outside on their free period to eat lunch and converse with friends, or, of course, try their hand at floral design.

"Blast these pathetic flowers," said Seto, ripping out an innocent daisy from the ground and adding it to his sad array of flowers that he already had in his hand, all were very droopy and unattractive looking, not to mention badly man handled. "Okay, now what kind of flowers to girls like anyway? Whatwasit…Baby's Breath?"

He looked around, but there was no Baby's Breath to be found.

"Whatever, crab grass should do for now," said Seto, ripping some more defenseless weeds out of the ground.

"Crab Grass…" said Snuggles, tiking to himself. "Can yeh be more pathetic lad?"

"UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS, SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' MOUTH!" screamed Seto angrily.

"Then ah 'suggest' yeh don't try to make a bouquet out af pathaetic weeds," said Snuggles.

"WELL NO ONE ASKED YOU!" yelled Seto.

As if things weren't as humiliating enough already, suddenly, right behind them, screaming his head off in deranged fits of laughter was Joey. Seto felt his face go red, but he managed his best angry growl.

"You really don't want to have children that badly, do you mutt…" he said darkly.

"OH MY GOD! KAIBA'S PICKING FLOWERS!" screamed Joey.

"You don't know a single thing mutt, so shut up!" said Seto.

"WEE! LOOK AT ME!" said Joey, skipping around with the most girly sashay he could. "I'm Kaiba! I like to pick flowers on bright sunny days! I like to garden too!"

"Shut up-"

"May I fetch your apron 'ma'am'? BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"SHUT UP YOU-"

"Tip-toe through the tu-lips, la la la la la…"

---ooo---

"Finally, we made it!" said Yugi, eating his pizza roll of his tray happily.

"PIZZA ROLL!" screamed Tristan, biting into his ferociously, and with such force that it caused it's contents of sauce, cheese, and pepperoni onto the side of Tea's face. Tea was more or less un-amused.

"Sorry Tea," said Tristan, scooping off the mound of pizza-roll guts and stuffing it in his mouth, Tea's face still stained with cheese and sauce, and a few pieces of stray pepperoni in her nice clean hair.

"I'm remembering all this you know," she said.

That's when Joey stumbled in, hacking and looking ashen faced, grabbing his neck in pain, looking like he could hardly breath.

"HI JOEY!" said Yugi. "Whoa! That sounds like a nasty cough!"

That's when Joey collapsed on the ground in a heap.

"THAT LOOKS PRETTY PAINFUL TOO!" said Yugi.

"OH MY GOD! HE'S CHOKING!" yelled Tea. "HELP! SOMEONE! JOEY'S CHOKING!"

None of the other students eating outside seemed to care.

"TEN DOLLARS TO THE PERSON WHO DOES THE HEIMLICH ON HIM FIRST!" said Tea.

That's when a huge crowd of people came, one of them quickly propping him up, and jabbing him in the chest until a saliva drenched wad of what looked like wildflowers, weeds, and dirt came out.

"Ew…" said Yugi, as Tea searched in her pockets for her wallet.

"Joey! What has Tea told you about grazing?" said Tristan.

"K…Kai…ba…" Joey managed to hack.

"Say no more," said everyone else in the gang simultaneously. Joey then took a moment to brush off his coat, then stood up, absorbed for a minute while watching all the deleted scenes from when his life flashed before his eyes. Then he looked around to see that everyone went back to their routine. Then he look down at the spit out wad of leaves. With that, he ripped out a handful of grass, put in on top of his pizza roll, and bit into it.

"JOEY!" yelled Tea.

"What?" said Joey.

---ooo---

"Congradulations on making ten dollars Seta-neechan!" said Azusa to her friend as the two sat out next to a tree on the grounds, with Ka'aewu happily munching on a carrot that Seta bought him.

"THANKS BEST FRIEND!" said Seta, eating her pizza roll. "I wonder what super fun things we can do for the next half of the day?"

"Oh my…God…" said Ebony Crow, looking down at her two unsuspecting victims. "Niether of them comes up on the register, but that girl…looks just like…no, there's no way. There's no way…"

She sighed.

"There's nothing else I can do," said Ebony Crow. "Everything I need to know about them will come up on questioning. They need to be detained."

"I like pepperoni pizza the best Onee-san!" said Azusa. "What's your favorite?"

"FRIENDS!" said Seta.

CLICK-A!

"Hands up in the air," said Ebony Crow, pointing a plasma cannon at the two, as Ka'aewu the bunny eeped in panic. "This thing is loaded, and I shall not hesitate to use it should you refuse to cooperate."

"FWIEND!" said Seta happily.

"That's kind of mean!" said Azusa.

"I said hands up!" said Ebony Crow threateningly.

"YOU LOOK SAD!" said Seta cheerfully.

"Look, doesn't it occur to either of you that I can incinerate you both in one click?" asked Ebony Crow.

"YOU NEED A HUG!" said Seta, and before Ebony Crow could say another word, Seta leapt up into the air, arms spread wide, and sprang on her new best friend, embracing her in a death grip of a hug.

"OH YOU STUPID WOMAN!" yelled Ebony Crow. "AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING? I AM THERATENING YOU, I DO NOT WANT A HUG! WHAT THE HECK'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"My sentiments exactly," said Ka'aewu dryly, but Ebony Crow didn't hear him, because using a wicked cool karate move, she threw Seta off her, but Seta used the tree as a spring board and bounced off it, firing herself back at Ebony Crow for another hug, Ebony Crow just barely dodging it.

"I see you will be a tough match," said Ebony Crow. "But I'm coming back with one of you!"

"Wha-" said Azusa, but before she could say another thing, Ebony Crow pressed a button on her glove, and a small suction cup released from the back of it, attaching itself to Azusa's face, delivering a minor shock to her body, knocking her systems offline.

"We shall meet again," said Ebony Crow, throwing Azusa over her shoulders, and with a blast of smoke, she disappeared.

---ooo---

"Marik! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?" yelled Odion, searching everywhere for Marik. He had rounded every floor, looked all over the grounds, looked in the bathroom, both boy and girl, and still his friend could not be found. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME MARIK! I MADE A PROMISE TO YOUR MOM!"

Odion just sighed. There was no way he was going to find Marik at this rate. But where could Marik possibly be? It's like he vanished off the face of the universe. Odion kicked himself mentally for forgetting to insert that chip in Marik's underwear this morning.

"Are you looking for a girl named Marika?"

Odion turned around, and there at the end of the hallway was the Goth Girl, not a chibi at all.

"Yes…why…" asked Odion.

"I know where he is," said the Goth Girl.

---ooo---

Next time, Seta and Ka'aewu the bunny hunt down Azusa, we encounter the horror of Magical Goth-Loli Fubuki-chan, and the fangirls finally find the person who Seto truely loves...almost. See you next time!


	17. The Magical Guy

loves...almost. See you next time!

The Center of Nasty Deaths Association strongly advises against reading this fanfic underwater.

Have I mentioned how much I hate midterms? Well I DO!

**Chapter Seventeen**

**THE MAGICAL GUY**

_In which Joey teaches us a valuable lesson about life_

"I'm sorry Jack, I just can't let this go on any longer," said a chick from a random chick flick. "If we keep doing this, it'll ruin me…it'll ruin you…there's no way that other people can understand this kind of relationship, not even the pair of us. I'm afraid I can't go on living this kind of lie. I…I…I know we've been longing for each other from afar…to touch…to feel…to become…but I can't…I can't…"

"For God's sake, just give me the stinkin' burger already," said the guy to the girl, who was wearing a disgusting polyester uniform at a burger place.

"NOOO! MAKE IT STOP!" yelled Marik, unable to plug his ears to the horror, due to the fact that they were bolted to his side by the torturing board thing, unlike Valon who's eyes were shimmering with tears.

"Hm…it seems that I'm just starting to break you and the others," said the fangirl torturer, who was enjoying seeing everyone else's pain. "Now…how can I rub it in your faces?"

"STOP IT ALREADY!" yelled Marik in a panic.

"Hm…I think 'Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood' dirrecter's cut oughta do the trick," said the torturer, with a dark and sinister grin on his face, cackling as she went to the back room.

"NO! I'm not going to let her take my life with her hands!" said Marik frantically. "Must…will…myself…to die…"

"Aw, I want to see if Stephanie and Jared get together!" said Valon sadly.

BAM!

"MARIK!"

Suddenly, from the ceiling, the ventilation grate was kicked out, and then, Odion jumped down to the ground, landing on his feet. "WHAT THE HECK HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SNEAKING INTO UNDERGROUND CIVILIZATIONS? I can't believe it, and after that absolute _disaster_ in Detriot-"

"No! Odion! A bunch of girls dragged me down here!" said Marik.

Odion gave him a look of severe pity.

"And…uh, their very strong and incredibly masculine band of kidnapping macho men?" tried Marik pathetically.

"Yeah, moving away from that, I need to get you out of here," said Odion, trying to figure out how to work the torturing table.

"And that lead torturer!" said Marik pathetically, trying to sound less pathetic. "She's an absolute monster! I mean masculine is a _severe _understatement! This girlneeds to have an anthropologist to come in and determine her gender! I'm serious! She's like a sumo wrestler, except far worse looking, and she's got like a huge scar all across her face, and she kept bragging on how she one silver for shot put at the 96 Olympics, and-"

"You realize I've been hearing every single word you've said so far, right?" said the fangirl torturer, who was standing right in the doorway.

"Oh Jeez…" said Marik.

"Don't worry Marik," said Odion bravely. "I don't care whether I have to face a woman who looks like an NHL football player in his later years, or one of his fans, or...a harmless looking girl. I will save you!"

---ooo---

"Oh come on! I wet my pants _long _after you did!" said Marik.

"Shut up," said Odion, who was bound up on another torturing table right next to Marik.

---ooo---

"FRIEND?" Seta screamed in distress, using her super human strength to lift a boulder ten times he size, looking desperately to where her robotic friend was taking. With a huge heave of frustration, she chucked the boulder over her shoulder, and squished two cars and a good part of a third one in the teacher's parking lot.

"Seta…I know trying to encourage you to be san is against your principles but-" said Ka'aewu the bunny pathetically, before he got squished under three cheerleaders that Seta overturned in search of her lost friend.

"WHERE'S MY FRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND?" yelled Seta in horror.

"Seta…calm down…please…AH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SHUT YOU FACE!"

"FWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" screamed Seta in homicidal maniac mode, grabbing the bunny and shaking him so violently that it looked like his head was going to snap off like a daisy.

"OoOoOoOoOoOkAaAaAaAaAaAy!" yelled Ka'aewu. "Look, I still have a little of my magic left from when it got zapped out of me by you, WHICH I'M STILL VERY BITTER ABOUT BY THE WAY, and I can help you locate your friend."

"Friend!" said Seta cheerfully.

"Okay, stop it," said Ka'aewu. "Look, give me another carrot, and I'll tell you where she is."

Seta held out a carrot, which seemed to come out of nowhere, and Ka'aewu quickly took it out of her hand with his bunny paws, and crunched on in extreme speed until it was nothing more than a little stub.

"Okay," said Ka'aewu, tossing the stub aside. "Now then, to be able to create a locating spell, I'm going to need all of the following items."

Seta quickly took out a notepad and a pink pencil with 'Frienship' written all over it in rainbow letters.

"Alright," said Ka'aewu. "You'll need one Naruto key chain-"

Seta quickly scribbled on the paper.

"-two yardsticks-"

Scrib scrib scrib…

"-one piece of crepe paper, three inches long exactly, preferably in navy-"

Scribble scrib…

"-one ATI RADEON 9000 Pro Technologies Graphic Chip-"

Scribbe scribble scrib scrib

"-one stick of artificial butter-"

Scrib scribble…

"-one cup of love-"

Scribbldy scrib…

"-and last, but by far the least, this month's issue of _Glamour_," said Ka'aewu.

Seta quickly wrote down the last thing, then happily skipped off to find all the items on the list, nearly getting hit by a car as she bounced across the road, causing it to swerve violently into a ditch instead.

---ooo---

"Aw, aren't they the cutest things in the world!" squeaked a cute-but-purposly-dumb girl and her equally dumb friend.

"You gotta get owta hewe befowe it's too wate!" said Ryou.

"Dewe awa buncha fangiwls, and dere gonna hunt you down!" said Asuka.

"De'ww towtuw yew untiw you'we dead!" said Ryou.

"I could just stand here looking at them all day!" said the other one.

"Hey little fella! You want a hug?" asked the first girl to Ryou, who tried to glare angrily at her, but it failed miserably, so all he could manage was a cute little sad face.

"No, we'we sewious! Youw in dangew!" said Asuka, waving her arms in distress.

"Aww…" said the two girls, giving a hug to one of the chibi's in front of them.

"ISN'T DIZ PENATWATING YOU THICK SKUWW YOU BWAINWESS GIWLS?" screamed Ryou.

"So cute…" squeaked the second.

"It's no use Weyou," said Asuka, walking away, leaving the girls to squeal in peace. However, before he left Ryou kicked one of them in the shins.

"What a we gonna do?" asked Asuka, as Ryou rushed a little to catch back up to her. "No one takes us sewiouswy! All dey do is tink we'we cute!"

"I DESPISE BEING CUTE!" yelled Ryou at the top of his lungs.

"We'ah wunnin' outta time," said Asuka. "We gotta think up something, and fast, ow else evewee giwl in da school could be in twoubo."

"Maybe we should twyta find Fubuki and Shou," said Ryou. "Dey gotta lotta weapons, right?"

"Good point," said Asuka. "I'm sure dey have enouf powah to bwow up da fangiwls! I just hope they awen't dowin anytin shtupid wight now…"

---ooo---

"WOW! Thanks for teaching me how to embroider boxer briefs with images of animals on the endangered species list!" said Syrus, proudly holding up his accomplishment. "I made Great Panda!"

"And I made a Tasmanian Tiger!" said Fubuki proudly, displaying the pair of boxer briefs he just sewed.

"Aren't they already extinct?" asked Shou.

"Maaaaaaaaaybeeeee…" said Fubuki, sticking them on his head. "But that doesn't matter! BECAUSE I'M BLOODY HUNGRY, AND WHEN I GET HUNGRY, I GET ANGRY! REALLY….REALLY…"

With that, Fubuki whipped out a bazooka cannon and burned a hole straight through the front wall of the school, which then zapped through a tree, which then barbequed another six cars in the parking lot.

"Boy, I bet the local insurance agencies are going to have a field day," said Shou, looking at the smoldering crater in the parking lot.

"WAIT!" said Fubuki, suddenly, dropping the cannon, causing it to create a huge zap down two straight floors, causing incredibly an incredibly shocked teacher below to freeze in her place, only two inches away from fiery death.

"What?" asked Shou in horror.

"I finally figured out that problem my first grad English teacher gave me!" said Fubuki. "So your supposed to take the chicken over, then go over and take the cat, then take the chicken back, then take the seed over-"

"Fubuki, why is everything you do so random and weird?" asked Shou. "Not a single thing that you've done so far has made the tiniest bit of sense! I mean you insisted that kissing a grapefruit gives you good luck, and after you did, you snuck into the girl's bathroom and blew up all the toilets! IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DO THAT MAKES THE TINIEST FRAGMENT OF SENSE?"

Silence.

"Waffle?" asked Fubuki, holding out a waffle that looked completely frozen on a fork.

"Fubuki please…" said Shou.

Suddenly, with a poof of pink and glittery white smoke, a tall woman with butterfly wings appeared in a pink dress, holding a magic wand with a huge, gaudy star at the end.

"Hello Fubuki and Shou!" she said. "I am the Good Fairy of Poorly Written Plot Devices, and I am here to kick start this boring chapter up a little bit!"

"WOOT!" said Fubuki.

"Huh?" asked Shou.

"There is a terrible plot of fangirls capturing girls they can't identify or aren't a member of their club, and they're hunting them down and brutally torturing them in an underground lair," said the Good Fairy. "Only someone who's incredibly insane can even hope to free them. Please Fubuki and Shou, save them before it's too late!"

Really dramatic music continued to play in the background for awhile after as the three stood in silence.

"'Kay, bye now!" said the fairy, mystically poofing away.

"FANGIRLS ON THE LOOSE?" said Fubuki. "This shall not be tolerated! I must stop them!"

"How do you plan to do that?" asked Shou.

"Look, a bunny," said Fubuki, pointing behind Shou.

"WHERE?" asked Shou excitedly, turning around. As he did, Fubuki stuffed his hand into the back of his pants, rummaging around through the old ticked stubs to 'March of the Penguins' until with a squeal of triumph, he pulled out a magic wand which looked suspiciously like a ukulele.

Cue the Magical…Guy transformation sequence.

"FUBUKI TENJOIN TRANSFORM TO-" he screamed at the top of his lungs, and with a bunch of shiny stuff, he whirled around at wicked fast speed, which sent his clothes spurting in random directions in the hallway, on the lockers, the fountain, and his lacy girl's underwear landing on the back of Shou's head.

"-MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN!" he finished with an exquisite spin, now wearing black, relatively tight pants, with a swirl of lace around the edge of it, making it look like he was wearing a mock, frilly micro mini, shiny black shoes, a black blazer, with huge, feathery wings sticking out of the back, a white dress shirt with a tie that was patterned with little 'Fubuki 10-joins' in silvery letters, a huge rimmed black hat with bunny ears sticking out of the top, and a black mask.

"Uh…" said Shou.

"Just for the record, I am NOT wearing underwear!" said Fubuki.

"Really didn't need to know that…" said Shou, who's eye was twitching.

"AND NOW, USING THE POWERS OF MY MYSTICAL WAND IN G MINOR," said Fubuki bravely. "I, BUCK THE WONDER, whoops, sorry, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN SHALL-hey, I bet there's no line in the lunch line by now."

---ooo---

"Hm, the must all be on break or something…" he said about two minutes later outside of the kitchen, where all of the lunch ladies were hiding and cringing in fear.

---ooo---

"Excuse me sir, can I have a little love?" asked Seta cheerfully, holding out a measuring cup with little hearts on the handle.

"Uh…" said the random background character.

"Joey, I don't care how good you thought the grass tasted, this is just plain undignified!" said Tea in disgust, as Joey appeared to be grazing. "Stop grazing, or people are going to think that you're an idiot!"

"They are not!" said Joey.

"Hey, who's dat guy?" asked Asuka as she and Ryou walked by.

"Dunno…he must be an idjit…" said Ryou.

"I _TOLD _YOU!" said Tea. "Joey, have you done a single smart thing in your life? I mean ever? I mean…"

"Well," said Joey, spitting out a wad of grass. "There was one time but…that was awhile ago…"

"What?" asked Tea, eager to hear this.

"Well one day, I was walkin' down the street, and there was this guy who said that his name was Bill Gates right?" said Joey.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," said Tea.

"And I had a five dollar bill that I was going to buy a wicked mega hot makes-you-wet-your-pants chili ice cream mega salsa wicked hot did we mention it was hot chicken and bagel sandwich," said Joey.

"And?" said Tea.

"And this loser named Bill Gates just comes saying 'if you give me that five dollars to buy a wicked mega hot makes-you-wet-your-pants chili ice cream mega salsa wicked hot did we mention it was hot chicken and bagel sandwich, I'll give you this huge bag of jewels that I got in a diamond mine in South Africa!'" said Joey. "And so I kicked him in a very uncomfortable spot!"

"Oh, so you managed to stop someone from swindling you out of five dollars," said Tea.

"Yeah and I stole one of his wussy rocks, and after I wet my pants after that bagel sandwich, I traded it with my old neiberhood pall David Owen for two quarters! And the sucker took the darn thing!" said Joey proudly.

"…David Owen," said Tea.

"Yup!" said Joey.

"_The _David Owen," said Tea.

"The one and only!" said Joey.

"The millionaire David Owen," said Tea.

"Yeah, I guess," said Joey.

"David Owen, the owner of the most flawless diamond in the world, which has sixteen times the weight of the hope diamond, and nearly twenty times more of the dollar value?" asked Tea.

"Yeah, whatever," said Joey, ripping up a patch of poison ivy. "OOH! SALAD!"

"I don't have the heart to stop you at this point," said Tea, walking away, losing all faith in her pathetic excuse for a friend, as Joey jammed the poison ivy down his throat, causing him to start chocking again.

"They haven't realized that we're trying to dismantle a bomb yet, have they?" asked Yugi, as he and Tristan both were wearing Bomb Squad uniforms and were trying to disarm a huge, warhead looking devise.

"Guess not," said Tristan. "Oh! You should cut the green wire Yugi!"

"Are you sure?" asked Yugi, a pair of pliers in his hands.

"Nah, purple's just my favorite color," said Tristan. "CUT IT! CUT IT!"

---ooo---

"Okay, I got all the stuff funny cuddle fwuf!" said Seta, dumping the contents in her arms in front of Ka'aewu. "I couldn't find a Naruto key chain, So I hoped that Saske would work and-"

"Okay okay, whatever," said Ka'aewu, who had prepaired a magical fire that was an odd shade of green that was licking up the edges of an old looking cauldron.

"So I throw them in the cauldron?" asked Seta.

"This is my laundry stupid," said Ka'aewu, pulling up the stick in the water, a jock strap hanging off of it.

"Oh," said Seta. "I WUV YOU!"

"Yeah sure, whatever," said Ka'aewu, bouncing over, clearing his throat heartily. "Oh great guiding spirits, we offer you a load of rubbish so that you may point us in the direction of our missing friend Ariadne-"

"Azusa," said Seta.

"Whatever," said Ka'aewu.

With that, a magical blue orb began to slowly form over the contents that Seta had dumped on the ground, and as it was just about as big as a large beach ball-

"You have reached the Guiding Spirits operating system," said a cool female voice. "If this is a support issue, please deposit five dollars onto the sacrificial alter. If this is a request for live service, please deposit twenty five dollars for the first five minutes."

"Dang guiding spirits, always making things so commercial," said Ka'aewu, pulling a wallet out to begin to fish around for a five, and the chucking it onto the pile, which began a elevator musicy sounding tune to play. "What the heck happened to customer service?"

"Guiding Spirits, this is Gearic, patron spirit of travelers, how may I help you?" said a gruff sounding voice coming from the floating orb.

"Uh yeah, hi, this is Ka'aewu and-" Ka'aewu started.

"WHERE'S BEST FRIEND AZUSA?" Seta asked.

"Uh, Azusa…yeah uh, she's in some underground ancient auditorium of doom bellow your school, according to the computer," said the voice.

"BESTED FRIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" yelled Seta at the top of her lungs, running and screaming as she headed off.

"Hey…uh, Ka'aewu…I hope you know that I…well…" said the spirit.

"I TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!" screamed Ka'aewu, popping the bubble with a stick. "Jeez…moody spirits…"

---ooo---

"I wonder what Seta-Neesan is doing right now…" said Azusa quietly to herself.

"You know, I'm finding this rather painful…" said Odion. "Marik, why can't you just be smart? Why must you insist on being so stinkin' stupid!"

"THEY SNUCK UP ON ME!" said Marik.

"I DON'T CARE IF THEY BLOODY SNUCK UP ON YOU!" said Odion. "We wouldn't be stuck here in the first place if you didn't screw up all the other times you tried to steal the stupid puzzle, if you didn't even think of this completely stupid idea in the first place, AND IF YOU JUST TRIED TO DO SOMETHING DECENT WITH YOUR LIFE OTHER THAN ACT STUPID?"

"Yeah, well am I stupid, or is the stupid person calling the stupid thing stupid stupid, stupid?" asked Marik.

"Alright, good news and bad news," said the torturer. "The good news is that you no longer amuse me and I feel like just giving you all the big thumbs down for the heckovit."

"And the bad news…" said Marik uneasily.

"I've decided I wanted to try this out," said the torture, pulling in a huge machine with scissors, axes, chainsaws, and all kinds of stuff poking out of it labeled 'RipSlashN'Cut 6000'.

"Oh…dear…" said Odion. "Oh, I didn't want it to end like this. I have so much of my life still to live. I still have dating…college..marriage…kids…second marriage…"

BAM!

"HALT EVIL ONE!" said Fubuki, busting down the door with his huge magic wand, Shou walking in unexcitedly behind him. "I, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN am here to stop you!"

"The comic convention's 809 _Maple _Road nitwit," said the torturer.

"HA! LAUGH WHILE YOU STILL CAN EVIL ONE!" said Fubuki. "I am here to save the…hey, what are you snickering about?"

"Khehe…you're…you're wearing…" said Marik, pointing to the lace, "…a _skirt_…"

"It isn't a skirt, it's decorative lace!" said Fubuki. "Moving on-"

"It really does look like a skirt though," said Valon.

"Does not!" said Fubuki.

"Can I try it on after you?" asked Valon.

"NO YOU MAY NOT!" said Fubuki. "Now anyway, me and my trust partner Shou shall now…Shou?"

Fubuki looked behind him to see that Shou disappeared.

"Shou…uh, Shou?" asked Fubuki. "Where did you…Shou?"

---ooo---

"So then I was like 'IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DO THAT MAKES THE TINIEST FRAGMENT OF SENSE?'," said Shou, surrounded by gorgeous women outside. "And then he was like-"

---ooo---

"NEVERMIND THEN!" said Fubuki. "Now then evil villain, prepare to-"

"FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!" screamed Seta at the top of her lungs, running right into the room, bouncing excitedly. "I GET TO SAVE MY FRI-ENDS! I GET TO SAVE ME FRI-ENDS!"

"Seta-nee!" said Azusa.

"Oh for god sake, stop that already," said Ka'aewu, bouncing into the room. "Oh gad, why is that man dressed in a skirt?"

"NOT A SKIRT!" said Fubuki.

"TIME TO SAVE MY FRI-"

"Alright, stop all this stupidity right now!"

Everyone turned around in horror to face the latest threat to idiocy, the one, the only, the hasn't been mentioned in a heckova long time-

"IT'S THE HOT LADY!" screamed Fubuki.

"It's Tish!" said Tish angrily, with Chibi Asuka and Chibi Ryou behind her. "And for god's sake, the comic convention is 809 _Maple-_"

"How did you know to find us here?" asked Odion to her.

"Well, I was going to try to shut down the main server to the school, but I got stopped about halfway by Asuka and Ryou," said Tish. "They gave me a quick explanation to everything that happened, and I came down here to set everything right. Now let everyone go, and turn these two back to normal or I'll get nasty."

"You have no power to tell me what to do!" said the torturer.

"Would you like to change that answer?" asked Tish, pulling out a plasma cannon.

"YOU BET I WOULD!" said the torturer, pressing the on button to the RipSlashN'Cut 6000…which fell apart the instant she did.

"Oh drat!" said the torturer. "YOU MAY HAVE ONE THIS TIME, BUT WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WOLF, YOU DEAL WITH THE PACK!"

And with that, she pushed a button, and the lights quickly turned off, then snapped back on.

"WE'RE FREE!" all the girls and Odion said.

"We need to change…again…" said Asuka, now back to her full height, the jumper that once was down to her knees now turned into a very tight and tiny skirt.

"Ah…chocking…" said Ryou, his sweater neck strangling him.

"Well at least we're all back together!" said Odion.

"I'M STILL NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!" said Fubuki.

"THERE THEY ARE MEN!" screamed a bunch of police officers, running into the room like mad, and they grabbed Fubuki, and twisted his arms behind his back, throwing him against the wall. "Eyes up against the wall pixie boy."

"What the heck is going on-ACK!" screamed Ryou, also being thrown against the wall by a pair of policemen.

"Fubuki Tenjoin and Ryou Marafuji, you are both under arrest," said one of the officers.

---ooo---

"Red Dwarf…" said Ebony Crow, looming in the doorway.

"Yes?" she said, swinging around in the swivel chair in her office, which was covered from the top to the bottom in Seto posters.

"We've found the target, the only person in the world that Seto Kaiba could be in love with," said Ebony Crow. "Our target is a woman named Tish…"

---ooo---

Next time, an art video of doom, more fangirl randomness, and Fubuki and Ryou get sent to the stony lonesome…but why? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!


	18. Monkeyhiggabubblesor Something Like

_There's Something About Marik _contains no artificial insanity.

STAY TUNED AFTER THE FEATURE FOR RANDOM GOODNESS!

**Chapter Eighteen**

**MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES…OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT**

_In which no one likes Art Movies_

And now for an example of a literary impossibility.

"Wow Odion, I can't believe that we made it out of that freaky underground auditorium torture chamber thingy before anyone else did in virtually no time at all," said Marik.

"It is a bit out of the ordinary," said Odion. "I'm just glad you aren't dead Marik…or brutally mauled…or dismembered…or any combination of the above…"

"Okay, now back to the whole point of this stupid fanfiction in the first place…HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO KEEL YUGI AND STEAL HIS SMEGGIN' PUZZLE?" screamed Marik.

"May I suggest that you change back to men's clothing?" said Odion, indicating the fact that Marik was still wearing the girl's uniform.

"Shut up Odion, I'm plotting!" said Marik. "You know, this skirt is incredibly comfortable…I may have to buy one myself…"

"Oh _Ra_," said Odion, slapping his hand against his forehead.

"I said shut up Odion!" said Marik. "Hm…now then, what am I going to do…I've tried Gym Class…being sneaky…disguise…cross dressing…"

"Whatever comes next, just leave me out of it, got it?" said Odion. "I've had enough fun trying to bail your sorry butt out of everything that's happened today…"

"There has to be some sort of answer to how I can handle this…" said Marik. "If only there was some way I can convince Yugi to just hand over the puzzle without a fight or with any desire to actually get it back…but only television has that kind of power-"

PING!

"I GOT IT!" yelled Marik. "But the only way I can even hope to pull it through is if I can find a video camera, a really annoying yet boring at the same time kind of person, some cheep scenery, and a really weird and random literary impossibility!"

_**ONE LITTERARY IMPOSSIBILITY LATER**_

"SUCCESS!" yelled Marik, holding up a video tape, cackling is happiness at the form of supreme, unlimited evil that he had just created. "Now, with this videotape, a sick and twisted dream, and the limitless power of insanity, I shall finally capture the power of Yugi's Puzzle!"

"Which is the exact same thing you always say before you screw up in hilariously funny ways," said Odion.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" said Marik. "Which reminds me, for once, I'll need you for this one too!"

"And if I refuse?" said Odion.

"Then I'll tell everyone I know about your secret crush on Dora the Explorer for the past seven years!" said Marik.

"NO ONE CAN PROVE THAT!" said Odion.

"Obviously you've forgotten about this roll of pictures," said Marik, waving a wad of instant-develop kind of photos.

"You rat…" said Odion.

---ooo---

"Fubuki Tenjoin and Ryou Marafuji, you are both under arrest," said one of the police officers.

"Why?" said Asuka angrily. "They haven't done a single thing wrong except being stupid!"

"Not according to this warrant they haven't," said the officer, pulling it out and reading it. "They have been charged with freelance insanity, blowing up things, disturbing the peace, creating an obstacle course on school grounds without a permit, lack of a license to use a Doom Mobile, sugar trafficking, illegal use of scotch tape, and starting every World War ever, including the ones that don't exist."

"They're obviously falsified!" said Ryou. "There's no such thing as illegal uses of scotch tape!"

"I WANT MY MOMMY!" screamed Fubuki.

"Tell it to the judge!" said the police officers, just as a huge police car ran straight through the wall of the auditorium with a humongous bang, it's beaten-up back doors creaking open strenuously after somehow tunneling fifteen feet underground.

"You can't do that!" said Asuka, as Fubuki and Ryou were being dragged into the police car. "They haven't done anything like that! I mean, nothing that's worth an arrest! I mean come on!"

"Don't say things that you'll regret latter miss," said one of the officers, heading toward the police truck. "And for God sakes, please put on some decent clothing."

"WAIT!" yelled Asuka, but it was too late. The police car began burrowing through the tunnel it somehow made back to the surface.

"This is awful Shou," said Asuka. "There's no way that those two could be arrested like that. They both have diplomatic immunity from the law. Not to mention there _is _no such thing as illegal use of scotch tape…"

"YAY! RYOU'S GONE!" said Shou.

"Snap out of it Shou, we're in crisis mode here," said Asuka. "Okay, there has to be someone behind this, and I'll figure out who. I'll deal with the beast of the abyss later."

"But first things first, you really should put on some decent clothes," said Shou.

"SHUT UP!" said Asuka, trying to press her five-year-old jumper down, which was just barely covering what it needed to cover.

---ooo---

_We would like to apologize in advance for the stupidity of the next joke_

"And then your supposed to hold it down and beat it senseless with a banana while saying, in a very high pitched, silly voice, 'dinkle'," said Joey solemnly.

"So _that's_ how you multiply fractions!" said Tristain in elation. "Thank's Joey!"

"I wonder what we're doing in art class today?" said Tea, as she and the others were sitting together at their usual table, as was everyone else in the class, chatting away and waiting for class to officially start.

"I don't know, but I heard we had a substitute teacher," said Yugi. "It's a shame what happened to Mr. Jokuwa. I can't believe he broke both of his arms and his legs and lost complete consciousness in a freak accident while he was brushing his teeth after lunch!"

"Wow! I didn't realize personal hygiene could be so dangerous!" said Tristan.

"That's why I quit brushing my teeth after pre-school!" said Joey, as one of his yellow, moldy teeth fell out of his mouth.

"Good day class," said Odion, who was looking rather sharp in a blazer, dress shirt, and slacks. "I am your substitute teacher for the day, Mr…Fred."

"I thought Ms. Imawari was going to be our substitute," said Tea.

"She was, but she had a freak accident when she fell out of a second story while watering her window plants," said Odion. "So today, I shall be your substitute. Now since no one knows me, I'll be happy to answer any questions you have about me."

"ARE YOU MARRIED!" asked Yugi.

"…no…" said Odion.

"What's your first name?" asked Joey.

"Joe," said Odion flatly.

"How do you multiply fractions?" asked Tristan.

"You hold it down and beat it senseless with a-"

"What's your name again?" asked Yugi.

"Joe, Joe Fred," said Odion.

"If I make a wish upon a star, will all of my dreams come true?" asked Yugi.

"No," said Odion, as Yugi's eyes began to water up.

"Do you have any idea on how to do art at all?" asked Tea.

"Okay, that's enough questions," said Odion. "Now today we're going to do something a little different. We're going to watch an art movie."

Everyone sighed. Of course. A substitute teacher's ace in the hole.

"It's just going to be about some of the artists of the post impressionist era, whatever the heck that's supposed to be," said Odion.

"It's a great movement of artistic style after an age of either romanticism, an artistic style when people were strongly influenced by nationalism to paint things in a beautiful, almost mythical or dreamlike sense, or realism, a style showing the horrors of modern day life instead of a fantastic ideal of what they should be. Impressionism soon became an artistic movement between the two, when artists struggled to capture images for what they actually are, with no biased view or emotional tug toward the beauty or the bane," said Joey matter-of-factly.

Silence.

"Okay, what he said," said Odion. "Just what the movie, and make your thoughts as susceptible to subliminal mind messages as possible."

"TURNING OFF MY INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT!" said Yugi cheerfully.

"ME TOO!" said Joey.

"Maybe I'm naïve, but this screams 'ulterior motive' to me," said Tea.

"HEY! Stop thinking independently Tea!" said Tristan.

---ooo---

_Hm…this is one of the most intricate viruses I've ever seen _thought Tish, analyzing the data from one of the Red Dog Computer Virus effected computed. _There's no way a normal organization could have made this. I've just got to try to find a lock on some sort of distinct code so that I can-STUPID POP UP AD! Dangit…_

"Alright, hands up!" said Ebony Crow, sticking random firearm in the back of Tish's head. "This is full to the brim of Chibi Gas, and I'm not afraid to fire."

"Sorry, could you just wait a moment while this loads?" said Tish.

"Oh, no problem," said Ebony Crow, putting the gun down from Tish's neck, as Tish clicked a few times on the computer. A few moments passed by, while Ebony Crow idly rocked back and forth on her feet.

"There we go now," said Tish, "Okay, now what were you ranting about?"

"I must ask you to submit to my will and do everything I ask, or else you'll have to live out the rest of your life as a five year old," said Ebony Crow, raising up the gun again.

"Why?" said Tish.

"Because I am a member of the most dangerous and fanatical underground organization of fan-girls to ever exist in a school setting, and you, my dear woman, are the object of the affections of our fanee," said Ebony Crow.

"What? You want me to tell him to pike off or something?" said Tish.

"No we do not, we want to chibify you, after brutal torture and examination, so he'll forget about you!" said Ebony Crow.

"Well why? He'll just fall in love with another girl," said Tish.

"Then we'll have to Chibify her too!" said Ebony Crow.

"So let me get this straight," said Tish. "You group really likes this guy, and to show it, your preventing him from finding someone he likes and being happy?"

"Look, we're a semi-cult filled with hyperactive teens!" said Ebony Crow. "Don't tell me now your trying to find some logic in this!"

"Sorry, I guess I'm young and naïve," said Tish. "Oh, by the way-"

With that, she did a wicked awesome karate kick and knocked the gun right out of Ebony Crow's hands, which left her in a temporary shock.

"Cheh, I seem I'm going to have to play nasty with you," said Ebony Crow. "Just wait around until I find some mindless cronies to do whatever I want. That shouldn't be too hard…"

With that, she whipped out a smoke canister, threw it on the ground, and with a screen of nothing, she instantly vanished.

"No Mom, I don't want to go to Cornell to become a doctor," said Tish. "I want to go to into _espionage_, it'll be _fun_, I'll get to travel to _interesting places_, I'll get to have a _partner_, I get do to _exciting _things…"

---ooo---

"You know what my least favorite color is Fubuki?" said Ryou miserably, as he and Fubuki were being force marched to a cell in prison.

"Ten?" asked Fubuki.

"That's a _number_ Fubuki," said Ryou.

"Eleven?" asked Fubuki.

"…it's orange. I LOATH the color orange!" said Ryou. "And here we are, wearing orange jumpsuits, and for crimes we didn't even commit!"

"I like ten!" said Fubuki. "Ten, ten, tenity-ten ten ten…"

"Okay, I just have to stay calm…" said Ryou, "everything turns out alright in the end as long as people stay-"

"MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES!" said Fubuki.

"Excuse me?" said Fubuki.

"I'm just thinking of words that are fun to say!" said Fubuki. "You know how some words just are naturally fun to say, like spatula?"

"…no," said Ryou.

"Well, some words are!" said Fubuki.

"Fubuki, I don't think I've done anything that could get us thrown in jail," said Ryou. "I'm not sure, but I think that you haven't done anything that would be considered worth jail time, ri-"

"Do you think it's fun to say Monkeyhiggabubbles?" said Fubuki.

"I don't know," said Ryou.

"Well say it then!" said Fubuki, before Ryou could say another word.

"No, I will not!" said Ryou.

"Come one! Just once!" said Fubuki.

"No!" said Ryou.

"Please?" asked Fubuki.

"No!" said Ryou.

"Please?" asked Fubuki.

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No already!"

"Please?"

"Fine! Monkeyhiggabubbles! Are you happy?" asked Ryou.

"Was it fun to say?" asked Fubuki.

"Not off-the-wall ecstatically, no," said Ryou.

"Then you need to say it louder and in a really high pitched voice and really fast!" said Fubuki. "Like this! _MONKEYHIGGABUBBLES! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_"

"Small minds, easily amused," said Ryou.

But neither of them had time to chatter around aimlessly any longer, for the they were imeadiatly halted, as one of the guards opened the cell door, which almost seemed to shriek on the grate, as the other two shoved both Fubuki and Ryou in rather roughly on a hard, concrete floor.

"YAY!" said Fubuki. "I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A FELON!"

"There's no way this could all be an accident," said Ryou. "Fubuki, I have a feeling we've been set up because someone wants us out of the picture. But why…"

"HEY! THIS DIRT'S IN THE EXACT SHAPE AS SHOU'S HEAD!" cried Fubuki, holding up a clot of dirt that did bare a striking resemblance to Shou's head.

"Why would anyone want us out of the picture?" wondered Zaine, as the dirt clod self destructed in Fubuki's face.

---ooo---

"THEY GOT THE WRONG ONES?" hissed the cult leader hidden behind the veil.

"Sorry sir," said one of the red-clad dubbers. "Apparently the person on the phone had very bad hand writing, so instead of Asuka Tenjoin and Shou Marufuji…they got their older siblings."

"Send all who are responsible for this mishap to the land of the dubbed!" said the leader. "And make a note that any future accusations, false or otherwise, must be typed."

---ooo---

"We have to get out of there and try to get to the bottom of this," said Ryou. "But how?"

"DON'T WORRY RYOU!" screamed Fubuki, pulling out a spoon. "I SHALL DIG US FREE!"

"Oh God, not that old cliché…" said Ryou.

"HI EVERYONE!" screamed Mobster, sticking her head through the barred windows of the cell.

"What the-" said Ryou.

"WOOT! MOBSTER!" said Fubuki, springing on top of Ryou, crushing him, but managing to get to eye level with Mobster. "Hey, what are ya doin' here?"

"I don't know!" said Mobster.

"SWEET! Hey, you gotta DVD player on you?" said Fubuki.

"AND ALL FOUR SEASONS OF PYTHON!" said Mobster, holding out both the DVD player and four boxed sets of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'.

"Get off me!" said Ryou, managing to get up and throw Fubuki off his back. "Who are you, what the heck are you doing here, and how do you know him?"

"Mobster, I just answered that, and we're both members of the Fanatical Organization of Monty Python Lovers!" said Mobster.

"YEAH BABY!" said Fubuki.

"I think dealing with all these insane people is having an effect on me," said Ryou darkly to himself. "I'm feeling less sane by the minute…"

"Oh by the way, how'd your sister make out with the whole Chibi thing?" said Mobster to Fubuki.

"Chibi wha?" said Fubuki, busy watching the Cycling Tour.

"Yah know, when your sister and her dimwitted friends got turned into little kids, which I'm really angry I didn't get to see by the way," said Mobster, "so how did that turn out, okay?"

"Dunno, guess so," sad Fubuki. "AH HA HA! LEMON CURRY!"

"How the heck did you know about that?" asked Ryou.

"Well what's it to you Mr. Not-a-Forkin'-British-Luver?" said Mobster.

"I'm Ryou! Ryou Marufuji! I was part of the whole incident!" said Ryou.

"OH!" said Mobster. "I get it! So you must be Shou's older brother!"

Silence, except for the mad cap humor of the portable DVD player.

"You're fatter than I expected," said Mobster.

"Oh, shut up!" said Ryou. "And again, how do you know about all of that?"

"We got your call, or more like Double S did, and we couldn't come right away because they made these stupid laws which said that you can't viciously maul people if they don't bend to your will!" said Mobster. "So know we're here, and we're asking for cab money."

"DID YOU GET IT YET MOBSTER?" screamed ASV's voice from bellow.

"I'M WORKIN' ON IT!" said Mobster. "Anyway, do either of you have a ten?"

"Sorry, all of my savings are in bonds," said Fubuki.

"Wait, before you go, can you do us a favor?" said Ryou.

"Why would I do _you _a favor, fat-boy?" said Mobster.

"Where are you getting this fat thing from?" asked Ryou.

"Hey, I call them as I see them," said Mobster. "Now back to my original question, what's in this for me?"

"I don't know! What do you want?" asked Ryou.

"Ten dollars! Duh!" said Mobster. "And jeez, everyone's running around calling you 'The Big Man on Campus' or 'Kaiser' or whatever…next thing I know, they'll all be calling Fubuki a loony…"

"Well I don't have ten dollars!" said Fubuki.

"Then I guess you can just watch a couple episodes of 'Injustice' and cry me a river," said Mobster, turning around to hop out the window. "Buh-bye!"

"No! Hang on!" said Ryou.

"Hey, I've got an idea!" said Fubuki. "If you help us get out of here, I'll tell you a word that's really fun to say!"

"DEAL!" said Mobster. "What is it?"

"Monkeyjiggles!" said Fubuki.

"HEY! THAT'S COOL!" said Mobster. "Okay, see you latter! Bye!"

And with that, she hopped out the window, plunged ten feet down screaming at the top of her, and landed face first on the ground.

"It wasn't that," said Ryou.

"It wasn't what?" said Fubuki.

"That word," said Ryou. "It wasn't the same one as you said before, it was something different…"

"No it wasn't!" said Fubuki.

"Yes it was!" said Ryou. "It was like Monkey…hugga something…"

"Your hallucinating man!" said Fubuki.

"You're really starting to nerve me out, you know that?" said Ryou.

"Oh, shut up fatso," said Fubuki.

"I'M NOT FAT!" yelled Ryou.

---ooo---

"-Gorges Seurat was a Neo Impressionist who's art style was unique in the fact that he used tiny dots to add both texture and color to his paintings!" continued the narrating woman, who looked like she had way too much coffee and was restraining herself from strangling the camera man. "He is known to be the most intelligent artists of the post-Impressionist era, and he was also well known to bake cherry pies every moring and stuff them in his face and-"

BZZZT!

"YOU MUST ALL OBEY THE WILL OF MARIK!" said Marik on the screen, holding a pinwheel in front of the camera, which spun around quickly, making an almost hypnotic kind of swirl. "GIVE THE PUZZLE TO MARIK! OBEY! OBEEEEEEEEEEEY!"

BZZT!

"-with a banana while saying, in a very high pitched, silly voice, 'dinkle'," said the narrator. "Now then, the post impressionist era was also known as the 'Outright Crossdressing Era' in the fact that-"

"Wow! For some strange reason, I feel the need to give my puzzle to Marik!" said Yugi.

"Me too!" said Joey. "Hey Yugi, can I borrow your puzzle so that I can give it to Marik?"

"HEY! I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM!" said Tristan.

"YES! THOSE FOOLS!" said Marik, listening in from behind the doorway to the art room. "They are already beginning to become brainwashed, and soon they shall be nothing more than mindless pawns who will succumb to my plans utterly! FEAR MY HIGHER VOCABULARY! BWA HA HA HA!"

"Dude! Can you get out of the way?" said some guy from inside, trying to open the door, which Marik was blocking while listening in. "I need to go to the bathroom!"

"YOU CAN HOLD IT!" said Marik.

"Hi," said a dull, dead sounding voice behind him, and by turning around, Marik saw a little kid with spiky blue hair. "I'm Joku."

"I don't care," said Marik. "Now, continuing my rant-"

"My last names Zokida," said Joku.

"That's lovely," said Marik. "Anyway-"

"And my middle name's Julie," said Joku.

"Again, don't really care," said Marik.

"You look really stupid in a girls uniform," said Joku.

"Okay, you really need to shut up now," said Marik.

"I wet the bed this morning…my favorite color is purple…my mom thinks I'm a girl…"

"Why are you telling me all this?" said Marik awkwardly.

"I once kissed a moose…I'm wearing ladies underwear…I haven't used toilet paper in ten years…my dad says I'll grow up to be a hairdresser…"

"You know, I'm just going to ignore you," said Marik.

"My cat threw up this morning…I wet the bed so much my dad calls me Suzie water fountain…my friend use my butt for a hassock…"

"I really don't think we should be continuing this conversation," said Marik.

SWISH!

"I got your magic wand," said Joku, holding Marik's Millenium Rod.

"IT'S NOT A MAGIC WAND! GIVE IT BACK!" said Marik.

"Can't catch me," Joku dully, running away from Marik.

"WHAT THE HECK?" screamed Marik, sprinting after the weird little kid. "GET BACK HERE YOU PUNK!"

---ooo---

And now for a quick list of random goodness.

_THINGS THAT I REALLY DON'T LIKE_

When you can't drag yourself out of bed in the morning on a weekday, and then when it's the weekend, no matter how hard you try, you can't sleep in  
When one side of your toast never seems to get properly toasted, and the other side is all burnt  
When you want so badly to sleep, but you can't  
When you get sick when the best food is served at the cafeteria  
Sarcastic answers to serious questions  
Serious answers to sarcastic questions  
Reruns of shows you've already seen ten billion times, and you just want to see something new  
When no matter how hard you look, you can't find an interesting book in the library  
When you get to the phone on the last ring, and they hang up  
Not being able to find that other shoe no matter how hard you try, and always finding it at the very end of the day  
When you put your favorite shirt in the wash, and you never see it again for a month  
When people talk about you behind your back when your only three feet away  
When you're in a good mood, but everyone else is in a bad mood  
When you're in a bad mood, but everyone else is in a good mood  
When something gets passed out, and by the time it gets to you, all the good stuff's taken  
When you feel like something special's going to happen, but it doesn't  
One of those days when it seems like your bumping into anything  
When you wear white in art class and someone across from you is doing chalk pastels  
When your extra quiet, and something in the oven still sinks  
When you take a test, walking away like you feel you got an awesome grade, and then you bomb it  
When you have to run around when all you want to do is sit  
When you have to sit when all you want to do is run around  
When something you really need to work doesn't in a critical situation  
When you don't know something it seems that everyone else knows  
When everyone thinks you're joking when you're not  
When someone says you're doing something right, and someone else says you're doing it wrong  
When an invisible pole always seems to pop up behind you right when you turn around, so you smash right into it

Hey, what kinds of stuff do you hate when they happen?

NEXT TIME, a daring escape, Valon is reunited with his comrades, we learn more useless facts about Post-Impressionists, the fangirls close in on Tish, and even more randomness! See you next time!


	19. Coming Into the Closet

Rumors that I am mentally unstable are more or less exaggerated.

Great, Valentine Day season is coming up, a time when all singles are mocked and brutally humiliated. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, I wish you good luck with the chocolate load. If you are single…just keep your chin up high. OUR DAY SHALL COME!

**Chapter Nineteen**

**COMING INTO THE CLOSET**

_In which we all wish that Joku would just disappear_

"WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?" screamed Marik, racing down the hallways in sheer anger, trying to track down the incriminating loony that stole his Millennium Rod, briefly stopping in the middle of one to pant in exhaustion. "Look, you better get out here right now, or when I find you, I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE A DRUM!"

Silence.

"OH COME ON, PLEASE?" said Marik.

"Hi there," said the dull and dead voice of Joku from behind, causing Marik to scream in shock, holding his Millennium Rod. "I'm Joku."

"YES YES YES, I KNOW!" said Marik. "Now give me back my Rod!"

"Why should I?" said Joku.

"CAUSE IT'S MINE!" said Marik.

"My mom made me wear dresses until I was thirteen years old," said Joku.

"Look, I don not want to hear pathetic details of your meaningless life!" said Marik. "I want my Rod back, so I can skip on my merry way back to my life, and never dabble in your sad and useless one again!"

"I'm fourteen years old," said Joku.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME AT ALL?" said Marik.

"I had a crush on Dora the Explorer for five years," said Joku.

"Really? So did Odion," said Marik. "WAIT! NO! You're just trying to distract me, aren't you?"

"I think that the Mayans actually invented airplanes, teleportation devices, and cell phones, and then blew it up during the Martian invasion," said Joku.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BLOODY POLITICAL VIEWS!" said Marik. "Why the heck do you want my Rod anyway? It doesn't actually do anything, except control people and turn them into your obedient mind slaves so that you can use their minds as little toys and laugh in their faces when they do stupid things which you can make them do, like wash your underwear and rob banks and give you all the cash and skydive and stuff."

Silence.

"Bye now," said Joku, suddenly sprouting huge butterfly wings out of his back, and fluttering out a nearby window into the bright sunlight, while Bambi-ish kind of music played in the background, leaving a dumbstruck Marik just standing in the middle of the hallway.

"OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT!" said Marik. "I'm sick of being nice! It's time to get dirty!"

---ooo---

"Guh…what…what happened?"

Our very much forgotten about friend, Chronos, found himself coming to on the floor, finding lots of disgusting shoe prints on his nice clean clothes from students who didn't really care that there was an unconscious man on the floor wearing a stupid looking blue wig.

"I must have been out for a while but…" said Chronos, rubbing is head. "Mama mia…okay, um, what happened…I was graffiting the cafeteria…this freaky ninja looking person came…she knocked me out…I had that freak dream that HE was the king of…I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FRAMING SHOU MARUFUJI!"

This thought completely drove him into panic mode. What was he going to do? How long was he out? How much time did he have to get some dirt on Shou? How was he going to do it?

Then he turned around to see all the scorch marks outside in the parking lot…

…and in the hallways…

…and all the shattered windows…

…and all these massive insurance claims waiting to happen…

And then, his sick little mind created a plan.

---ooo---

_Alright, so if I find the only set of computers in the school that haven't been effected by the Red Dog Computer Virus, I might be able to use that set to trace down the origin of the virus_ thought Tish, carrying a laptop computer she beat up a nerd to get. _I doubt that the area will be unguarded, and I also doubt they'll be no more than a passing threat. I really should get Bianca on the case, but she'd probably get confused and send another kid to the big man in white._

Tish suddenly stopped, feeling the woosh of a fleeting figure breeze by her. Her thin, catlike eyes slowly roving around her, sensing the presence of a mighty foe, one who is fanatical, yet cruel. Quick, yet sharp. She knew it before it came.

"So I'm glad you kept your promise," said Tish, as Ebony Crow landed right in front of her, as well as other fangirls dressed in ninja-ish attire. "Not that I'm glad you see you or anything like that."

"Save your talk woman," said Ebony Crow, as the other fan girls eyed their next victim. "We are here to destroy you once and for all, and hang your corpse at the door of our organization, a warning to all others."

"Uh, ew," said Tish.

"SHUT UP!" said Ebony Crow, pouncing. Of course, Tish saw this coming and easily dodged it, as well as body slamming another girl who tried to pounce as well. She ducked and weaved their every move.

"I'm glad that you're the type that isn't easy to kill," said Ebony Crow, throwing kicks and punches at Tish, which she easily dodged and blocked. "They're the funnest to kill."

"I'm sure they are, but I'm the type that's _impossible _to kill," said Tish, looping around and throwing out a wicked cool kick, that was directed with a blow from Ebony Crow, sending Tish flying to the floor, where another one of the ninja-y fangirls threw a bunch of shurkins with capsules of Chibi Gas attached to them. Thinking fast, Tish quickly rolled out of the way of the sharp throwing darts, which smashed on the grounds and burst the Chibi Gas.

"Ha! Is that the best you have?" said Tish, up on a nearby stairway, up above the heavy Chibi Gas, which was infamous for being so dense, it didn't float well in the air. "You disappoint me. I thought this was going to be fun."

"Shut your face you stupid woman!" said Ebony Crow, throwing more shurkins at Tish, who nibbly kept leaping up the stairs and out of their way, as the Fangirls, who's cool ninja masks doubled as a gas mask, bound after her, as the halls ran rich with the sickeningly sweet aroma of the Chibi Gas. But the higher she climed, the closer she got to hallway, where there was no high ground, and no way to dodge the nefarious shurkins and the Chibi Gas.

And she just hit it.

"So this is where it all ends Ms. Tish," said the fangirls, all with shurkins fully drawn, as Tish backed closer and closer to the wall at the end of the hallway. "Now you'll understand just why no one ever messes with our man."

"WHO THE HECK IS HE?" yelled Tish. "What kind of freak would you sick woman have a disgusting fixation with?"

"SILENCE!" yelled Ebony Crow. "I don't know what he sees in you! You don't deserve Seto Kaiba at all you disgusting little wretch!"

"WHAT THE-" Tish started.

"Your kidding!" said Alister, as he, Raffy, and Valon walked down the halls. "YOU GOT HELD HOSTAGE BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS?"

"HEY! THEY WERE MEAN GIRLS!" said Valon.

"Blast, witnesses," said Ebony Crow. "You haven't seen the last of us Tish. We shall savior the final hunt…and the kill…"

And as if just by magic, the fangirl ninjas disappeared into thin air.

"What? I'm in…who's in…what?" asked Tish, left dumbfounded in the hallway.

---ooo---

"Fubuki…I'm a very patient person…I really don't care about most of the things you do…" said Ryou darkly. "But for the love of God…STOP CRACKING YOUR FINGERS LIKE THAT!"

"WHA-AT?" yelled Fubuki, giving his fingers and especially loud crack. "It's fun!"

"You're going to give yourself arthritis you know!" said Ryou angrily. "Not to mention it annoys the living daylights out of most people!"

"People don't get arthritis from cracking your fingers! That's just a stupid old wives tale!" said Fubuki. "They get it if they wear white after Labor Day! And for your information, most people find hearing the sound of cracking fingers very relaxing!"

"Like who?" asked Ryou.

"I don't know…aromatherapists?" asked Fubuki. "Santa Claus…me?"

"Fubuki, the last one is the only one I believe, and may I also point out that aromatherapits, Santa Claus, and you are not 'most people'," said Ryou.

"Yeah, well you're fat!" said Fubuki.

"Where the heck did this fat thing come from?" asked Ryou. "I'm not fat! I'm practically underweight!"

But before the fatso could gripe any longer, straight from the barred windows above him, a rock came out of nowhere with a sting tied to it, and landed right on top of his head with a sickening crash.

"I'll get it!" said Fubuki, walking over and pulling the rock out that was firmly wedged in Ryou's skull. "It says 'Get ready to run. A friend'."

Just as Ryou begain to get up, another rock came from the barred door, once again clocking Ryou.

"I'll get it! Again!" said Fubuki, pulling out the rock once again, and clearing his throat. "It says 'Your shoe's untied'."

With that, he instantly bent over to tie them, and a laser beam out of nowhere, and the red hot beam seared right through the bars over Ryou and Fubuki's heads, causing the whole cage door to come down with a large, banging clatter.

"Okay, it was over, then under…then make two bunny ears…then find the hole and…" said Fubuki, fussing around with his shoe laces.

"Maybe that freaky little girl is a little less incompetent than I thought she was," said Ryou to himself. "But we're going to need some sort of distraction if we can ever hope to get out of here-"

"DUCKS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The security guards were running everywhere, screaming at the top of their lungs because of one thing…ducks. Ducks that were running around everywhere, because they were all being viciously assaulted by various ducks and other duck-like water fowl.

"DUCKIES! YAAAAAY!" yelled Fubuki, chasing after a huge flock that was also chasing some security guards who were screaming like little girls.

----ooo---

"Oh god, I love this thing!" said Mobster, pressing the button over and over again on her remote control, which caused a huge cross between a laser and a cannon gun to shoot out a huge, electric blue energy string, that turned into a pack of ducks on contact, swarming around and creating general madness wherever the beam successfully hit.

"It's certainly one of the more amusing ways to create distractions," said ASV, enjoying somewhat the chaos that was unfolding in front of him. "So when should they be coming?"

"I don't know, but I hope they wait a little longer…" said Mobster, with her sickening homicidal smile.

"What the heck is going on?" yelled Ryou, throwing various ducks out of his way, drastically fighting to get towards the three, shoving screaming guards and various ducks out of his way to do it.

"Oh, it's the fat kid," said Mobster to herself, as ASV and Double S tried to look politly away so as not to stare at Ryou's non-existant gut.

"We're really overplaying this joke you know!" said Ryou. "Ah, never mind, just…just let's get in the getaway car and get out of here before everything becomes gets out of control…again…"

"What getaway car?" asked ASV.

"We don't have a getaway car," said Ryou. "Of course, you know, after everything, I really should have seen this coming. My life, after all, has very recently become a swirling hole of nothingness."

"Why so angsty, smangsty?" said Fubuki, walking over, the orange prison jumpsuit nearly bursting at the seams, not to mention it looked like a half a dozen rabid animals were flailing around in it.

"Fubuki, let the ducks go," said Ryou.

"What ducks?" asked Fubuki, as a huge duck head peeped out from his neck collar.

"OH MY GOD! HE SPROUTED ANOTHER HEAD!" screamed Double S in alarm.

"Fubuki…" said Ryou dangerously.

"NO FUN MEANIE!" yelled Fubuki, proceeding to pull out all the ducks that he stuffed inside his suit.

"Okay, I doubt this diversion can last much longer, so lets go get a car and get out of here," said Ryou. "Wow, I never thought I'd say that sentence under these circumstances."

With that, Mobster threw another rock at him, burring itself deep in his forehead and knocking him flat on the ground.

"I'll get it!" said Fubuki, pulling out the note that was tied to the rock. "It says-"

"STOP IT ALREADY!" yelled Ryou.

---ooo---

"And then I rammed a bunch of daisies, or dandelions, or whatever down his throat," said Seto to Snuggles, as the two sat alone in the hallway. "Basically, I haven't seen her for almost a whole period, I haven't talked to her, I still don't know anything about her other than her name, and now I'm out of brilliant ideas. I am, as they say, outta luck."

"I told yew et was a better idea to buy the smeggin' bouquet," said Snuggles.

"But now what?" said Seto. "I'm completely out of ideas. No doubt she has no clue I exist…I mean why would she? I don't have the guts to tell her anything…I'm so worthless, you know that? I might as well just run myself over."

"Yeh know lad, yeh're startin' tae soond like an angsty gel," said Snuggles. "And shouldn't yeh be en class?"

"Nah, they'll just give me another A+ as long as I don't show up and run academic circles around them and laugh while doing it," said Seto with a sigh. "I just feel like collecting my thoughts out here in peace and quiet."

"YOU ICKY, GROSS LITTLE JERK!"

PAM!

Before Seto even had a split second to react, he was sent flying by a full powered kick by Tish, slamming him into a concrete wall with a crash that echoed through his mind.

"What the he-"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"I CAN'T-BELIEVE-YOU-ARE-THAT-FILTHY!" yelled Tish at the top of her lungs, repeatedly slamming him into a wall in a space between every word or so. "AS-IF-IT-WASN'T-BAD-ENOUGH-THAT-I'M LIKE-SIX-YEARS-OLDER-THAN-YOU!"

"What the heck are you talking abo…" said Seto, fighting unconsciousness, as Tish grabbed him by the collar and dragged him up to eye level.

"AND THEN YOU GO AROUND AND SEND YOUR FREAKY FANGIRL ARMY ON ME!" yelled Tish at the top of her lungs in a very angry tone, sending Seto's hair on end. "I DON'T LIKE YOU, OKAY? SO GET OVER THIS STUPID LITTLE CRUSH OF YOURS, TELL YOUR FANGIRL ARMY TO PIKE OFF, AND-"

"I'm not in love with you!" Seto managed to cry out in pain.

"THEN WHO ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH, SMARTARSE?" yelled Tish.

"Your friend! Bianca!" yelled Seto.

Tish looked at him as if he just said 'I'm a homicidal axe murderer, and I'm wanted in every state in the union, as well as the District of Columbia.'

"And if you tell anyone, so help me, I swear I'll-"

"Save it. You know too much," said Tish. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to get rid of you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Seto. "What, you're going to kill me?"

---ooo---

"I HATE YOU KARMA! DO YOU HEAR ME?" yelled Seto, banging in the same closet that Yugi and the others got locked in. "OW! AH **BEEP**ING JANITOR'S CLOSET! GAAAAH! SOMEONE LET ME OUT! Snuggles? Azusa? ANYONE?"

---ooo---

"-and you want dirty? Don't get me started on the sheer wrongness of Van Gogh!" said the narrator to the movie, which everyone was thoroughly bored by. "That screaming, illegitimate, pesky little wife swappers personal record made Leonardo DaVinchi's look pathetic! He didn't care who, when or where, one person who walks in who's prettier than the last one, and I swear-"

---ooo---

"I knew I'd find you here…" said Marik. "There's just no way around it. You just had to be here. And now…there's no escape!"

"Hi…I'm Joku," said Joku dully, holding the Rod in front of a cracked and streaky window in the girl's locker room.

"I AM GOING TO DISREGARD EVERY SINGLE WORD YOU SAY, NO MATTER HOW COMPLETELY INSANE IT IS!" yelled Marik. "Now, hand over the Rod, and I'll let you live to see another day.

"My last name's Zokida," said Joku.

"Eluding me, eh?" said Marik. "We'll, my insane little friend, that's exactly what I enjoy as I CUT PEOPLE DOWN LIKE CORN STALKS!"

"And my middle name is-" started Joku.

"SILENCE ACURSED BEING!" said Marik. "Now, if you want to keep the rod, that's just fine. But there's one catch. You must beat me. IN A SHADOW GAME! MUA HA HA HA HA!"

"My Dad sometimes like to hot tub with-" Joku started.

"PH34R T3I-I 5I-I4D0VV5!" said Marik, holding up a girly pink card deck. "Now, in order to keep your worthless soul, you must play…GO FISH! MUA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

---ooo---

"No…no…too red…too pink…too 1975…"

"PICK A CAR ALREADY!" yelled Ryou at the top of his lungs, as Mobster choosily walked up and down the isle on the perfect car they were to jack, followed by him, ASV, and Double S.

"YEESH! FINE!" yelled Mobster, pointing to a very old van, so old that it was covered in dents and scratches, with one of the rear view window mirrors missing. "We'll take that one!"

"Hey guys! I'm back!" said Fubuki, his jumpsuit violently flailing. "I got rid of all the ducks! Yep, every last one! No ducks at all! Especially in my jumpsuit! No, there is no ducks in my jumpsuit!"

"Take it out Fubuki," said Ryou.

"NO! NOT THIS ONE!" said Fubuki, pulling out a female mallard duck, who was quacking violently. "His name's Butch, and he's special!"

"You're 'special' Fubuki, now let it go," said Ryou. "Besides, it's a _female_ duck."

"Aw…thanks Ryou!" said Fubuki.

"That's not what I meant!" yelled Ryou. "Now let the duck go, and get in the car!"

"Not…Butch…" said Fubuki, with huge tears bubbling up in his eyes.

"Fubuki, we need you to drive the car, and…um, everyone knows it's bad luck to drive with a duck!" said ASV.

"Ooh, good one," said Double S.

"Ah, I guess your right," said Fubuki, putting the angrily quacking duck on the ground. "I'm sorry Butch…"

Silence.

"I CALL SHOT GUN!" said Mobster.

"You do have a liscene, right?" asked Ryou to Fubuki, as the other three quickly hopped into the car.

"YOU BET!" said Fubuki, rummaging through his pocket. "I got it at a bargain!"

With that, he pulled out a thing that looked like a piece of cardboard a homicidal maniac got a hold of. Instead of a normal background for the state, it was covered in pink flowers and with a light blue base with huge gashes of blood splatter all over it. It also had the information written in childish handwriting, a picture of George Bush wearing a tiara and sucking his thumb where Fubuki's picture should have been, and a huge red 'DECOMISHIONED' stamped across it.

"Fubuki, 'Tenjoin' is spelt with an 'I'," said Ryou, looking over the license. "And a T…"

"Picky," said Fubuki.

"You know how to drive though, right?" asked Ryou.

"Left one's brake right?" asked Fubuki.

Everyone went silent.

"I think you should drive," said Double S.

"NO!" yelled Ryou a little to fast and loud. "I mean…no…"

"You've got a license, right?" asked Mobster.

"Uh…no I don't," said Ryou.

"Get out your wallet," said Mobster.

"I don't have one, because I don't have a license!" said Ryou.

"Hey, I thought you just telling me about that one time when you drove to the-" started Fubuki.

"Shut up Fubuki," said Ryou.

"If you want Ryou to drive, raise your hand!" said Mobster, as all four of their hands shot up.

"Oh, that's really mature!" said Ryou.

"If you want Ryou to live, raise your-" Mobster started.

"OKAY!" yelled Ryou. "I'll drive…but…"

Silence.

"I hope it's not like that one time…"

Silence.

"I have no regrets," said Ryou, walking over to the driver's side.

---ooo---

Next time, a game of Go Fish gone wild, the horror of intersection 10, and the final showdown between the fangirls and Tish! Hope you like this chapter, and see you next time!


	20. The Fubuki Song

And remember kids! Support the war against sanity!

Alright, we've made it to chapter twenty! WOOT! What a milestone! I thought we'd be pretty close to done by now, but we're not their yet! Maybe this will be as long as 'The Wizard of Cuz' (yikes!).

Oh, by the way, I saw _Spirited Away _for the first time, and it was SMEGGIN' AWESOME! And I basically signed up for both drama club not thinking I was going to get a part, and a SAT course not thinking I'd get in, and I got accepted into both. So basically…my weeks are packed. BUT I WILL TRY EVERYTHING I CAN TO KEEP THIS FIC ALIVE AND RUNNING!

Ah…the horror. I have created so many insane songs in my writing career. 'The Moose Dance', 'RD to the Hizee', and most recently, 'Yo, Yo, Mah Boi Leo'. But nothing, no nothing, could compare to the horror of…

**Chapter Twenty**

**THE FUBUKI SONG**

_In which we face the terror of Intersection Ten_

"HA!" yelled Marik, as huge, billowing masses of shadow fog slowly began to swirl in the girls' bathroom, as Joku jus stared blankly at him. "Now fool, we shall play the game that will decide your souls fate!"

"I once tried to grow mushrooms on my underwear," said Joku.

"I am completely oblivious to your pathetic, groveling dribble of which you beg for your life!" said Marik, as the deck with the pink background speckled with little ponies floated in the air and began to shuffle itself. "Now Joku, suffer the shadows, and all their horrible terror!"

"I grew three…but they all died," said Joku.

"YOUR GROVELING CONTINUES TO AMUSE ME!" yelled Marik, as the deck levitated back to his hands. "Now…LET US BEGIN!"

With that, incredibly dramatic background music began to play, and the floating deck delt out both Marik and Joku seven cards, which floated right toward Marik and Joku.

"NOW! I am thinking of a number between one and seven billion, forty nine," said Marik. "If you can guess it, you get to go first."

"Eighty seven million, three hundred thirty six thousand, twenty seven," said Joku.

_How did he know…_thought Marik.

"WRONG!" said Marik. "I guessed…um…three! MY TURN!"

"I once wore a bikini…and I forgot the top…" said Joku.

"WHATEVER!" yelled Marik. "DO YOU HAVE ANY SIXES?"

"No…my cat once-" Joku started.

"DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" yelled Marik. "I'll just draw the card!"

---ooo---

"Mm…I wuv the taste of rear view mirrors!" said Fubuki, starting to chew on the rear view mirrors.

"Stop it," said Ryou dangerously, who was in the drivers seat, sounding even more solemn than usual. "We aren't going to get out of dangerous territory if you act insane all the time. How we managed to ever get this far without getting ourselves shot is beyond me."

"You know…if we come back to our organization as fugitives, it's not going to look good on the records," said ASV. "Or aiding fugatives in that matter."

"But we're doing this for the white side, so I think everything will work out in the end!" said Double S. "We just have to violate as few rules as possible during the process!"

"You're right," said ASV, sitting a little easier. "I just feel so worried, you know? I mean, I've never done something that broke the law on this kind of scale before. I'm just…"

"SAD?" asked Fubuki in a very loud voice, suddenly turning around, causing Double S to scream in shock. "Don't worry! There's one thing I know that can always cure sadness!"

"Fubuki! Whatever your doing to those kids better be appropriate, and not like your _last _little method for 'curing sadness'!"

"HEY! It's considered legal in nine states!" said Fubuki. "Now, the ultimate cure for the saddy waddies is…THE FUBUKI SONG!"

"YAY!" cheered the kids.

"NO!" cried Ryou.

But it was too late. Jumping out of his seatbelt, and getting up as high as the car roof would let him, as Ryou was still trying his absolute best to stay on course as the car began to violently rock under his weight, Fubuki sung…the Fubuki Song.

_OH! F is for Fubuki, which is what my name is,  
__I could say T's for 10-Join, but the next one isn't T,  
__U is for undies, which I sometimes wear and,  
__B is for bananas, a type of yellow fruit!_

_U is for more undies, which I should more often  
__According to my sister, who's A for Asuka  
__But Fubuki doesn't got an A, and really, nor does 10-Join  
__So let's forget I said that, and move right on to K._

_Cause K stands for Klumsy, or does that start with C?  
__How come K and C have the same sound sometimes and  
__What the heck does the word Idiotic mean?  
__Cause that's what stands for I, and Alexis says I'm it!_

_FU-BU-KI! FU-BU-KI!  
__But some guys call me Bucky  
__And some guys call me Tenjoin  
__And some guys call me Kate._

_FU-BU-KI! FU-BU-KI!  
__Fubuki is a proper noun  
__So letters U through I don't have to  
__Be upper cased like F! OI!_

Absolute silence.

"I have the acoustic version on CD and cassette!" said Fubuki, pulling out what looked like a home-burnt CD and a used cassette tape.

"Don't make me throw this car off the road!" yelled Ryou.

---ooo---

"I can't let these fangirls win…" said Tish, hiding behind one of the huge recycling bins in the hallway. "Between them and the Red Dog virus, this whole school will be an ash within hours. But they've got clear advantage over me on numbers alone, and pulling tactical equipment into this…who knows…"

Her eyes darted down both hallways, careful to make sure that there were no fangirls in ears range.

"I need to choose the battlefield wisely," said Tish to herself. "I need somewhere where I'll have a few advantages, and where they have less. Any area within the school is not an option. No doubt they know the place inside out. But if I pick a spot too far, I risk them not allowing me out. So where can I possibly go…"

It dinged in her head.

"Of course. The only place a fangirl has the disadvantage…a place of unholy evil that goes against everything she stands for…"

---ooo---

"You choose your battlefield well Ms. Tish…" said Ebony Crow, as the stood at the opposite ends of a waxy, scuffed up gymnasium floor.

"I thank you," said Tish on the three point line, with the slightest hint of a confident smile. "However, I must insist that if I shall use no weapons nor other methods to gain the upper hand in this combat, neither must you."

"I agree respectfully," said Ebony Crow, with a respected bow. "But you have no way to win in this match Ms. Tish. Even if I lose in battle, our entire organization will be after your blood. They will chase you down, and when the catch you, your punishment will be dire."

"Then I'll just have to run faster," said Tish calmly.

"Indeed," said Ebony Crow, and with a super quick lunge foreward, she attacked.

---ooo---

"HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?" yelled Marik in absolute horror, looking at his flimsy pile of all the cards that he managed to take from Joku, which paled in comparison to his. "How could one as pathetic and weird as you possibly triumph over my superior intellect?"

"I only have one pair of socks that don't have holes in them," said Joku.

"And you rub it in as well!" said Marik darkly. "You, Joku, are a menace! A FIEND! A NOT-NICE PERSON!"

"My name is-" started Joku.

"SHUT YOUR FACE!" yelled Marik. "You may continue to be a nasty little jerk, but I am not like you, you sniveling little boy! I fight until the end! AND I SHALL NOT ACCEPT A DEFEAT WITHOUT HONOR!"

"I accidentally walked into an elevator once and-" Joku started.

"ALRIGHT! I'll give you ten dollars if you let me win!" said Marik.

"Do you have any sevens?" asked Joku.

Marik stared at the remains of his hand, which were all sevens.

"OH POOH!" he screamed, handing all of them over. "I really need to turn the tables!"

---ooo---

_No…don't let the feeling take over…don't let it…_thought Ryou to himself as he drove the car as calmly as he could along the highway. _If you let those feelings take you…it could cost you their lives…it could cost so many lives…don't do it Ryou…don't do it…_

"And then when I was nine, I got hooked on Pokemon in the worst sort of way!" said Fubuki to the people in the backseat. "I walked around everywhere cosplaying as Pokemon characters! My favorite one was Misty, and I still might have that midriff and those really short shorts, though I doubt that they fit at this point. And _then _I fell in love with Cardcaptors Sakura, and dressed in little pink magical girl outfits, but Asuka always told me-"

"So where are we headed anyway?" said Mobster. "Do we know any safe spots in the area?"

"Actually, we're going to be staying with an old friend of mine!" said Fubuki. "Her name is…I forgot her name, but she's really nice, and she'll keep us safe until we can somehow find a way to contact Asuka and Shou and get help!"

"That's great!" said ASV. "How far away is she?"

"That's the thing, she's always changing her address, so it's kind of hard to nail her down to exactly where she is."

"Great…so we're just winging it as usual?" asked ASV.

"Oh no…not again…" said Ryou to himself in panic. "We have to stop…_there_…"

"There?" asked ASV. "Where's 'there'?"

"Intersection 10…" said Ryou, as the car slowly grinded to a stop as the light ahead of them turned red. "The most accursed intersection in the land…here, many strange and dangerous things cross the road…"

"So?" asked Mobster.

However, it was then that our heroes actually got to see what kind of things cross the road. As peppy, happy kind of music played in the background, random groups of people began to cross the street. First there was a group of people who wore duck costumes, who were skipping merrily, a group of people on unicycles, a guy who was bouncing two steps forward then sneaking one step back before bouncing two steps forward again, women wearing mermaid kinds of dresses with football paint smothered all over their faces, and of course…a bunch of break dancers.

"What? It's just a place where a bunch of freaks cross the road," said Mobster, as a huge procession of the red-clad dubbers walked past.

"No…it gets worse…" said Ryou. Just as the light turned green, and Ryou managed to inch forward about a millimeter, the light turned red again.

"BLAST!" yelled Ryou, as even more freaks began to walk across the road, this time a bunch of people carrying various farm animals, scantily clad women, people carrying signs and wearing shirts with huge red letters that said 'ha ha, we're crossing the road and you aren't!', and mimes.

"Wow, this really brings back memories!" said Fubuki. "Like that one time when Ryou was trying his best to stay cool driving, but then he managed to get to this street, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get past this intersection because the light kept turning red before he could get cross, so his nerves ran down to a thread, and he went completely insane, and went on a homicidal road rage that was so bad, it nearly started the second civil war!"

Silence.

"You know, I think I'll just get out now…" said Double S awkwardly, beginning to un-buckle his seatbelt.

"No one is getting out of this car alive…" said Ryou darkly, in a much more serious voice, in fact, it was even more serious than he usually talked.

"Oh come on, please?" asked Double S sweetly.

"NO FOOL!" yelled Ryou. "I can take this God-forsaken patch of pavement that is Intersection 10 no longer! Every trace of this vile land must be destroyed! EVERY TRACE! And that means, we must destroy ourselves as well! MUA HA HA HA HA!"

"You know, when you think about it, we don't _have _to destroy ourselves!" said Mobster. "I mean, I'm sure that there are many people who will be willing to do it for us, so maybe if we just wait until-"

"SILENCE ANGLOPHILE!" said Ryou dangerously. "LET'S SEE IF THIS BABY CAN REALLY PULL 140!"

"Oh dear…" said Double S, but that was the last thing that he could say, because suddenly, Ryou used his foot to atomically bind the gas pedal to the floor of the car, and the gang found themselves screaming at the top of their lungs, their bodies beginning to embed themselves in their seats as the car seemed to gain air and fly straight over the small crowd of men who were convinced that they were lizards crawled across, as it landed with the sound of two metric tons worth of force per square inch on the pavement, then partnered with the most high-pitched screeching sound a car tire could make as it was catapulted forward.

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" screamed ASV.

"WICKED!" screamed Mobster.

But whatever sound she made afterward was drowned out by the sound of the sonic boom as Ryou weaved crazily on every turn of the intersection, much to the horror of his comrades.

---ooo---

"You fight well Tish," said Ebony Crow, as the two continued to engage themselves in wicked cool karate action in the middle of the gymnasium floor, their shoes squeaking on the smooth, shiny surface. "It's a shame. You would have made an excellent fangirl."

"I wish," said Tish, as a few cowardly kids who wanted the gym just shivered in the corner in horror.

"You chose the wrong school to go to Tish," said Ebony Crow. "Prepare to die!"

She false swiped Tish's head, with the hopes that she would instinctively move back so that she could receive a jab to her stomach. However, Tish instead ducked the punch, and shot out her left leg, spinning around and completely sending Ebony Crow spiraling backward, landing painfully on her back on the ground. She was twitching to much in pain, and she had no will to get up.

"Good game," said Tish, panting slightly from exhaustion, walking up to her defeated opponent. "Now leave me alone, and any other girls in this school, preferably ones with red hair who bounce around a lot and are completely stupid."

"Get…out of here…" said Ebony Crow, struggling to her feet.

"What?" asked Tish.

"I don't care…what happens here," said Ebony Crow, getting to her feet. "I accept defeat…with honor…but the others…"

"So…basically I've just POed a whole fangirl army/lynch mob?" said Tish.

"Yeah, so you better run," said Ebony Crow. "Just get out of here…you're the only one they've targeted who's gotten this far…so get out!"

"Yeesh, alright!" said Tish, running out. "Stupid author, saying this was the last square off, and now this…"

---ooo---

"…and that concludes the presentation of the nameless losers from the Impressionist era," said the narrator, restraining herself once again from screaming at the top of her lungs, leaping over and ripping out the camera man's jugular. "I'm a Nobody, and I WILL AWAIT THE MOMENT I CAN DANCE UPON ALL OF YOUR GRAVES! MUA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wow…that was as boring as the abyss," said Tea.

"THERE YOU GO WITH THAT INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT AGAIN TEA!" said Tristan. "I, for one, thought it was very informative, and I look forward to giving my puzzle to Marik!"

"You don't have a puzzle," said Tea, trying her best to ignore the screaming group of people who were viciously biting and clawing each other to rip off Yugi's puzzle so that they could give it to Marik.

"Wow, due to some freakish coincidence, Marik had a plan that actually worked!" said Odion, watching as Yugi somehow tried to swim through the walls of demanding bodies. "I'll have to e-mail Ripley's Believe it or Not after class. But setting that aside, I better go tell him."

While Yugi still fought through the crowd, Odion slunk over to the exit, and opened the door, peeking his head outside.

"Marik," he whispered, looking up and down the hallway. "I don't know how, but it actually worked! We're going to get the puzzle! Where are you Marik? Uh…Marik?"

---ooo---

"So it's all down to this…" said Marik, smiling evilly as the two were about to finish the game of shadows on the floor of the girls bathroom. "There's only one set of four left. Even better, it's my turn, and there are no cards left in the deck. Okay Joku…do you have any kings?"

"Nope, sorry," said Joku dully.

"WHAT?" yelled Marik. "But-but that's impossible! You can't have no kings! It's the end of the game! You only have one card left in your hand! I have to win! I have too!"

"It's a Jack dude," said Joku, turning his card toward Marik, revealing that it was indeed a Jack. However, before Marik could bark back, his eyes scrolled down to his own hands, and he felt like kicking himself in the head on the smart.

He was so stupid, he mistook the 'J's for 'K's.

"Oh…fudge…" said Marik.

"I once ate a live salamander…and then I ate another two…" said Joku.

Marik's feeble little brain was working at the speed of light trying to figure out a way that he could possibly win this game. He was sweating like a pig from nervousness, knowing that when Joku made the call, it would all be over.

Then he had an idea.

"-and then when I got my bra back, I tried again," said Joku.

"Wait, hang on, can I consider that a forfeit?" asked Marik.

"I once had a bunny…but then I wondered what rabbit tasted like," said Joku.

"HA! LOSER!" said Marik, pointing a triumphant finger at Joku, as the shadows began to close in. "You've lost the shadow game! That means…I WON THE SHADOW GAME! HA HA!"

"I've got two pimples on my butt," said Joku, as the shadows slowly began to eat him away.

"Save your pathetic groveling for one who cares, pansy!" said Marik, picking up his rod from the ground. "Now I have the rod…AND STREET CRED!"

As Marik cackled victoriously, Joku's limp body fell to the floor with a thump as the shadows completely disappeared.

Marik then just gave a little snicker, as he whirled around, still in his pretty blue skirt, and began to sashay out the door. He had almost gotten to the handle when-

"Oh, thank you kind sir!"

"What?" said Marik, whirling around to see Joku up on his feet, this time in a very dignified pose as he pulled out a monocle and put it in his eye.

"Thank you so much my good man," said Joku briskly. "I thought that I was going to be trapped in that awful, souless form for all eternity!"

"What…are you…" said Marik awkwardly.

"You see, quite a few years back, I had lost my soul in a similar game to this one, and it transformed me into a sad little man who gave away embarrassing secrets about his past in a boring monotone!" said Joku, pulling out a handkerchief and dusting off his face. "It turns out that the only way to restore me to normal form was to have another shadow game, and have me lose, so that there would be a reverse effect, and my soul would return to my body! And you did it!"

"Spa…" said Marik.

"Thank you a thousand times over!" said Joku, shaking Marik's hand with delight, "I owe you my eternal gratitude! I wish you good luck and good fortune for all that comes your way!"

"EXCUSE ME!" asked Marik.

"Goodbye old boy!" said Joku promptly, brushing past Marik and opening the door to the girl's bathroom. "Oh, and one more thing."

"What?" asked Marik.

Joku said nothing. He just pulled up his hand, stuck out his thumb and pinky, placed it to his ear, and mouthed 'call me'. Marik just gapped at the strange man, until Joku whirled around and walked right out the door.

---ooo---

_Like a briiiiidge oveeeer troubled wateeers…_

For some reason, Ryou was stopping for a second on his homicidal road rage, twitching violently, a homicidal yet amused smile on his face, as he breathed violently through his teeth, giggling insanely.

"ASV…" Double S managed to choke out, suddenly amazed that he can hear himself think.

"…yes…" said ASV, replying in a small squeek.

"I can't close my eyes…" said Double S quietly.

"Whoa…my internal organs are where they should be…" said Mobster in relieve.

"LETS GO AGAIN! LETS GO AGAIN!" cheered Fubuki, his hair looking like he placed his head right in front of the exhaust end of a jet engine.

"It isn't destroyed…blast…and we're out of gas too…" said Ryou, the engine heat meter as well as the speedometer now with a huge crack across it, the arrows jammed in the other ends.

"That's probably what that bunch of cops that are coming right at us we're waiting to hear," sad ASV, looking out the rear view window.

"So this is how it ends…" said Double S, as one cop walked up to the shattered window on the drivers side.

"Okay pall, just get out of the car nice and easy-" said the cop uneasily, gun fully drawn out, shuddering in fear.

"I LOOK FOREWARD TO CHEW ON YOUR BONE MARROW, DURGS!" yelled Ryou.

"Let me handle this Ryou," said Fubuki in a calm, almost psychiatrist-like tone of voice, pulling Ryou's hyperventilating body out of the way. "I'll give you two dollars if you say this never happened."

"Get out of the car," said the cop.

"OKAY!" said Fubuki, walking on top of Ryou and jumping out of the car.

"If we get in jail again, it could cause serious problems," said Mobster. "We won't be able to help Asuka! Or get paid!"

"There's nothing left to do Mobster…we're stuck…" said ASV.

---ooo---

Okay, I know that chapter may have not have been all that funny, but this is kind of one of those 'get it done and out of the way' chapters so we can get into the really funny stuff.

Next time, Marik finally gets out of the girl's uniform, we see more evidence that Tea's dimwitted friends are insane, and worst of all, the horror of what can only be described as ML…what is ML you ask? See you next week!


	21. M4THl33tZ

PH34R!

Also, I know this is so late it's not funny, but I've been busy (lazy) so…yeah. Don't worry! You'll still get an update this Friday! I promise!

And Butch kind of reminds me of that duck from 'The Pacifier'.

**Chapter Twenty One**

**M4THL33TZ**

_In which we learn that yes, Asuka and Shou are still a part of this story_

"Odion! Hey Odion! I'm back!" said Marik joyfully, hopping back to the outside of the classroom. "Sorry I'm late, I just had to fight this really creepy kid in the girls bathroom…which I don't really want to talk about. So what happened?"

"Well, the good news is that your plan worked," said Odion.

"YES! WE GOT THE PUZZLE!" said Marik.

"Well…the bad news is that it turns out the kids attention spans weren't that long, so basically…they forgot all about it, and just headed off to class."

Silence.

"WHY AM I SUCH A PATHETIC FAILURE?" said Marik.

"I've wondered that myself," said Odion.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" yelled Marik, punching a wall in pure anger and angst. "I'M A SMEGGIN'LOSER!"

"Marik…calm down…" said Odion.

"WHY DO I HAVE NO TALLENTS?" yelled Marik.

"Marik…this whiny angst thing of yours is really bugging me…" said Odion.

"I HATE MY LIFE!" yelled Marik. "I'm all out of ideas, I still don't have the puzzle, my life stinks, I've got a run in my stockings, and my brain hurts!"

"Well…there's still two whole periods in the day," said Odion. "Maybe all you have to do is just go to a normal class, observe how Yugi usually acts, and a good plan will form itself from there."

"But…I'll screw up again…" said Marik.

"Yes, you will," said Odion. "But what is life if we can't pick ourselves back up after screwing up and move on with our lives?"

"Yeah…YOUR RIGHT! YEAH!" said Marik, suddenly springing up. "I'm going to go and take Yugi's puzzle! I don't care what gets in the way! I will fight until the end! I G0T D3H P0VV4H!"

"Uh…whatever," said Odion, "but for Ra's sake, get out of that stupid girl's uniform."

"FINE!" yelled Marik. "It's a shame…it's so comfy…"

"Whopie…" said Odion.

---ooo---

"You are all under arrest on accounts of reckless driving, attempted road slaughter, disturbing the peace, and being disturbing," said the cops, having thouroughly surrounded the car. "You all have the right to remain silent."

"I WILL NOT BE SILENCED! DO YOU HEAR ME?" yelled Mobster.

"Shut up Mobster," said ASV.

"OKAY!" said Mobster.

"Don't worry guys!" said Fubuki. "No matter what anyone tells us, we're good people. And no matter what happens, good people always win in the end!"

Silence.

"OH WAIT! I forgot this was _real _life!" said Fubuki. "Never mind!"

"Figures…" muttered ASV.

"My God, I have the worst headache in history," said Ryou.

"You have the right to an attor-" started one of the cops, but then, much to his surprise, a little duck quacked at him and waddled over to the spot where the large cluster of police officers were. "Aw, hey, look at this Jerry. There's a cute little duck!"

"Aw, hey there!" said another one. "What's up little fella? You lost? Oh, you don't have ducklings that are stuck in a storm drain or any-"

"QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

With that, with a scene that looked just like the Killer Rabbit from 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', the duck litteraly jumped in the face of the cop, and began ripping it apart and viciously beating it with it's wings.

"THAT DUCK'S CRAZY!" yelled one of the men.

"GET IT!" yelled another cop, but it turned out that the duck knew how to play a bad game. No matter what came at it, it fought back so violently, the cops swore it had fangs before it beat them senseless with wings, beak, and webbed feet.

"Wow! That's the most violent duck I've ever seen!" cried Double S.

"BUTCH!" yelled Fubuki. "It really is you!"

"The…agony…" said one of the cops, as a dozen of them lay on the ground, their clothes and faces in bloody shreds, as the duck somehow managed to growl menacingly.

"This is our chance! Run!" yelled Ryou, as he took off away from the scene.

"Hey, wait up!" yelled Mobster, running after him.

"BUTCH!" yelled Fubuki joyfully, as the duck affectionately jumped into his outstretched arms. "Oh Butch! You're just too cool!"

"Okay, this is really very touching, but we've gotta get out of here!" yelled ASV. "If we don't, those cops will just-"

But before he could say another word, he turned around to see a shoulder cannon pointed in his face.

"Don't move," said the voice behind it. "Kisa, get them all in the van before they cause a rucus."

"RIGHT!" and before he knew it, everything moved way too fast, and ASV found himself grabbed roughly by the shoulders, dragged to the side, and thrown into a van, with Double S and Fubuki thrown right on top of him. Then, before any of them could say another word, two girls jumped into the front seat and started the car.

"YAY!" yelled Fubuki. "I thought you two guys would show up!"

"SHUT UP!" said a girl with brown hair and huge, swollen blue eyes. "Don't make me break your leg again Fubuki!"

"Everyone, this is Tohru Honda the Homicidal Maniac," said Fubuki. "And her loyal partner in crime, Kisa Sohma."

"She said shut up stupid!" said the other girl, turning around, revealing that she had short, orange hair, and bright orange eyes.

"Uh…" said ASV, as Double S could only cower in fear.

---ooo---

_At first glance, this classroom looks like an ordinary classroom in all respects…idiotic students…an overworked, underpaid, and clinically insane teacher…uh…chalkboards. But this isn't a normal math class. No, indeed, this is the most sinister math class in the world…one that suffers a plague which a majority of society has yet to come to terms with…one that defies authorities and street justice alike…_

"You know, when you look at it the right way, the world is one great big tomato…" said Tristan dreamily, as the fab four sat down in there usual spots in Math Class, Tea and Yugi in their seats, Joey and Tristan on the top of the desks.

"Explain?" asked Tea.

"I dunno…they both go well in salads?" said Tristan.

"Who's dumber, Tristan or Joey?" asked Yugi.

"That's a tough call," said Tea, as the two now seemed to be thoroughly occupied with the ceiling lamp.

"Hello mortal bakas," said Marik, walking glumly into the room, wearing a boy's uniform he had for a little while before he dumped it for women's clothing. "I'm hear to learn, not kill you or steal your souls or laugh in your faces or do unkind things while cackling insanely."

"IT'S DOCTOR CRUMPY!" yelled Yugi.

"Oh God, we're still not over that," said Marik, shoving Tristan off of the desk he was sitting on so he can sit down.

"Doesn't he look good for being nearly two hundred Tea?" asked Yugi.

"Why does he look suspiciously like that hyperactive Marika kid?" said Tea.

"Jeez, I can't believe all the phones are dead in the entire East Wing," said Asuka, walking in with Shou. "Not to mention I still can't find the happy chorus…"

---ooo---

"HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY ALL THE TIME-" sung the happy chorus, who were all stuffed into a garbage dumpster.

---ooo---

"Oh well," said Asuka, picking up the phone in the room off the hook. "Let's see if we can still reach Double S's cell phone…do you have to dial 9 or 99?"

It was Joey who spotted Asuka and Shou in the room, trying to work the telephone. The instant he saw them, he gasped in horror, and with a wicked awesome karate move, he jumped over two desks-

-and landed head first in the solid linoleum floor.

"Joey! What have I told you about trying to be cool?" asked Yugi.

"Oh!" said Tea, seeing Asuka and Shou, and kicking Joey out of the way to walk over to them. "You two have to get out of here now! If you don't, it'll be too late!"

"What do you mean?" asked Shou.

"Don't ask, just get out of here!" said Tea. "You don't understand, there's this group of crazy-"

Suddenly, two huge sheets of metal came down and covered up the two windows at the back of the classroom, like some sort of reaction by a security device.

"Oh no…quick, get out of here now before it's too late!" cried Yugi, as everyone got up (except Joey, who was still face down on the floor) and tried to shove a shocked Asuka and Shou out of the door. "Don't ask questions! You don't have much time before-"

She was interrupted by the sounds of motorcycles engines coming from a distance in the hallway. After managing to get them halfway out of the hallway, the members of the classroom frantically pulled the two back in, just as the three motorcycles zoomed by and screeched to a halt just a few yards away from the room.

"What's going on!" yelled Asuka in horror.

"The worst thing in the world any eighth period math class in this wing has to face!" said Yugi. Frantically closing the door. "For reasons none of us dare to question, this wing's plagued by a bunch of bullies who force us to bend to their will for their own sick amusement!"

"Just bullies?" asked Asuka. "No problem, Shou and I can take them!"

"No! These aren't ordinary bullies! Their the worst, rarest, and most dangerous kind of bullies in the world!" squeeked Yugi. "There…MATH NERDS!"

"Math nerds?" said Alexis. "Oh…you're kidding…"

"These are like no math nerds you've ever seen before!" said Tea. "Everyone's tried to stop them, but-"

BAM

Before she could say another word, the door was kicked right off its hinges by a black, spiky heeled boot, and the entire room went completely silent. With a slow, crisp, _pilok…pilok…pilok…_a tall woman, wearing a skin tight, black mini skirt, a black cropped top, an unbuttoned, black leather jacket with a huge 'ML' sewn across it in huge, silver letters, jet black hair that went down to her back, tied up in a ponytail, and a pair of pitch black glasses strode to the center of the room. She was followed by two huge, surly looking men, each wearing skin tight black pants, black turtle necks, and jackets identical to that of their leader.

"There…the _M4THL33TZ…_" said Yugi in a chilling voice.

"There the most dangerous gang of cool math nerds in history!" said Tristan. "That's their leader, Nomi. She's been known to take down full grown men twice her size, come out of any street fight unscathed, and she's could do advanced calculus at sixteen!"

"She doesn't even need to look in the back of the book for those little numbers you have to multiply to find sine, cosine, and tangent!" said Yugi.

"And she knows the _thirteen _times tables!" said Joey in horror, then falling face first back into the linoleum again.

"And you should see her in a bikini-" said Tristan, before the teacher's desk soared through the air and knocked him unconscious right on top of Joey.

Nomi just brushed off her skirt, giving Asuka and Shou a look over her glasses.

"Huh…so you're the new meat," she said. "Mono, Nomo, strap them down."

"Right!" said the two, walking over to Alexis first. Before they got their hands anywhere near her, she grabbed one of them by the wrist, the one called Mono, and swung him around, throwing him into Nomo, and sending both of them falling to the floor.

"OH PLEASE!" said Alexis, turning to the class. "Has the world gone mad? Have you no pride? Are you going to let three mathematical enthusiasts, three mere mortals, decide your fate and sanity? Are you just going to sit around and do nothing as they toy with your lives as if they were their own?"

"I'm okay with that!" said Shou, staring at Nomi.

"Well no one asked you!" yelled Asuka. "And I really wish you'd stop drooling Shou!"

Then, like chain lighting, Nomi sped over, grabbed Alexis's arm, and before she had a chance to react, twisted it behind her back. Alexis, trying to twist out of her grip, found that this girl was stronger than her, and with a powerful heave, Nomi threw her over, causing her to land on her stomach on the ground.

"May that be a lesson to all of you," said Nomi. "I can't stand people who underestimate our kind. We aren't like the normal nerds that run through your pathetic minds."

"I think it's time we give you little rebels a quick taste of just what happens when you mess with the M4THL33TZ," said Mono.

"I agree," said Nomi. "Nomo, get out the DVD player."

---ooo---

Ryou couldn't run anymore. He was about to pass out right on the streets from the sheer adrenaline exhaustion he know felt after being caught in a breakout, a police chase, and a runaway effort.

"Hey fatso! Slow down!" said Mobster angrily, rushing to catch up with poor Ryou, who was now holding himself against a telephone pole to support himself. "Yeesh! What do you think this is, Chariots of Fire?"

"At least we've…managed to get away," panted Ryou. "Now we just need somewhere we can hang low…until we can figure out some way…to call Asuka."

"I suppose this is a bad time to say I have a cell phone too, isn't it?" said Mobster.

Silence.

"You cannot fathom the burning hatred I have for you and your entire existence right now," said Ryou.

"Hey, where's Fubuki and the others?" asked Mobster, looking behind her.

"You don't know?" asked Ryou.

"I'm the type who runs head down and full speed," said Mobster.

"Your just a lawsuit waiting to happen, aren't you?" asked Ryou. "If we don't go back, they could get in serious trouble, but if we do go back, we risk getting caught again."

"WELL DUH CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" said Mobster.

"You know, it wouldn't take much to shove your flimsy body in front of the nearest passing car," said Ryou. "Okay, I've just got to think this through for a moment…there's a way we can all come out happy, I just need to find it-"

Kachack!

"You two ain't goin' nowhere," said a tall kid with orange hair, holding a huge axe that had 'Axe of Insanity' printed on the handle, pointing it dangerously close to Ryou's face, as Mobster felt a plasma cannon being stuck in her back, which was being held by a silvery-purple tall boy with extremely pretty eyes.

"Well, at least they aren't policemen!" said Mobster.

"Yeah, they're just homicidal maniacs, nothing to worry about," said Ryou, as the orange haired kid danced the axe a little closer to Ryou's face.

"Wow! You really are stupid!" said Mobster.

"No, just sarcastic," said Ryou acidly.

"No, I assure you, you're stupid," said Mobster.

"OH SHUT UP!" he yelled.

---ooo---

"The Sohma Boiz?" echoed Double S.

"Yep, our rival gang," said Tohru, as she continued to drive so fast that no one seemed to notice they had just gone over ten speed bumps. "They've been on me and Kisa's trail ever since we stopped being overly sweet girls with no sense of assertiveness who wore nothing but tiny skirts."

"Well, we still wear tiny skirts, but that's beside the point," said Kisa.

"Oh," said ASV.

"You see, we did used to be those wussy kind of girls, but you know what? We got sick of it. Fast," said Tohru. "So I decided to become a homicidal maniac and…Kisa did likewise, not liking the prospect of spending the rest of her life with an annoying little jerk called Hiro, continuing the horrible line of inbreeds."

"But again, beside the point," said Kisa.

"But the problem is that the Sohma's don't want us cramping up their street cred," said Tohru. "So they've sent the most dangerous and popular of their hit men to hunt us down and turn us back into wussy school girls."

"THAT'S HORRIBLE!" yelled Fubuki.

"Then in that case, just get us as close to Domino High School as you can, and we'll get out of your way," said ASV.

"Sorry," said Tohru. "The Sohma's have eyes all over the city. I'm sorry, well no I'm not, but your stuck in this with us."

Silence.

"Oh, and another thing," said Kisa. "There's a good chance that about half of us will die, and it'll probably the more pathetic half, so…well, no I'm not sorry about that either."

Silence.

"I WANNA GO HOME!" screamed Double S.

"Hey, isn't half of five, like, two and a half?" said Fubuki. "How can you have half a person?"

"Good point," said Tohru.

---ooo---

"Ow…" said Fubuki, sitting at a bus stop bench, covered in red marks, as Butch quacked angrily on top of him.

---ooo---

"You know, you didn't need to beat him up before you threw him out the window," said ASV.

"I know…" said Tohru.

---ooo---

"OH NO AII!" said a random, huge eyed girl on the television screen. "If we don't stop the Heartless Pink Dragon, we'll never be able to save the King of the Forest Nymphs!"

"Don't worry Toki!" said another one. "AII NASAKI TRANSFORM TO-"

_Fwoomp!_

Everyone was shuddering in their chairs, their eyes bugging out of their skulls, none of them being able to take the horrible mental trauma of an incredibly bad Magical Girl anime.

"And if you try anything cute, we'll show you _another _two minutes of 'Neko-Neko Aii-Chan," said Nomi dangerous, holding the DVD player control in her hand. "Now then, I think we won't have much trouble with any of you, so let's go easy. Today, I'm thinking of…BASIC THEORY IN PRE-CALC!"

Everyone looked even more horrified now, as Nomi's drones began scribbling complex formulas on the board that were so bad, they could make most college professors cry.

"You, freaky kid with the pointy head," said Nomi, as Tristan let out a cry of horror. "What postulate states that the value of y is directly proportional to the square root of m?"

"Uh…uh…" faltered Tristan in horror.

"Time's up!" said Nomi, whipping out a ruler and throwing it as fast as she could at Tristan, which buried itself deep in his forehead, sending him falling backwards in his chair, much to the amusement of Nomo and Mono.

"Shou, what can we do?" asked Asuka. "I don't think either of us can best these two at any fight, and we left all of our firearms outside! We're trapped!"

"We can only hope that some force of good in the math world will come to save us, one who can beat these math enthusiasts at their own game!" said Shou, with sparkles in his eyes.

"Well…I think that's all we can do," said Asuka. "But everything that's happened today has made about as much sense as expected, so let's give it a try."

---ooo---

Fubuki was sitting on the bus stop bench, happily munching on a huge pack of cookies that he just remembered he was saving for later that day, while Butch happily quacked by his side. Sitting next to him was, what appeared to be, a huge teddy bear waiting for a bus, who sat down a few minutes ago.

For a moment, there was nothing but the sound of Fubuki crunching on the crumbly goodness.

"Fubuki…can I have a cookie?" asked the teddy bear.

"Sure Fred," said Fubuki, holding out the bag of cookies.

---ooo---

I once watched a girl's anime called 'Petite Princess Yucie'. I only managed to survive ten minutes of it.

Next time, a square off between Tohru Honda the Homicidal Maniac and the Sohma Boiz, the L33T return of both Asuka and Seta, and...a force for good in the math world? Can it be true? See you Friday!


	22. Lucky Numbers

My brain hurts!

Okay, moving on…YAY! Welcome to the second update this week! THANK YOU WINTER BREAK!

Also, I sort of made mad a promise to myself not to drag anymore GX characters into this, but this one just had to come in. There was no way out. Don't worry though, he's more of a hit-and-run kind of character, unlike the others, which I couldn't make go away if I tried.

Oh yeah, and just in case any of you are wondering, Tohru Honda the Homicidal Maniac was a spin off I once did of the manga 'Fruits Basket' (which I'm a fan of), as well as Kisa, Yuki, and Kyo.

**Chapter Twenty Two**

**LUCKY NUMBERS**

_In which Seto is finally set free_

Tish tried her best to get out of the school, but to her horror, there seemed to be no way out. All of the gates lining the grounds were locked, and it was by some sort of lock that required a key card, so there was no way she could get out by unlocking it from the inside. She attempted to scale the wall, only to discover that the top was electrified.

"OH CRIPES!" said Tish. "What is this place? A PRISON?"

"No…the fangirls managed to install it at the last minute once they heard you coming…they're tricky, those fangirls…" said the Goth Chick behind Tish.

"AH! Who are you?" asked Tish.

"For now, that doesn't matter," said the Goth Girl. "What does matter is that if you don't find a way to get out of the school quickly, the fangirls will kill you."

"Wow! You're sure up to date with everything, aren't you?" said Tish sarcastically.

"Hm…" said the Goth Chick. "This may be difficult…difficult indeed…"

"Okay, are you going to help out, or are you going to do commentary?" asked Tish, trying to see if there was a way to deactivate the electric fence.

"I say your best bet is finding the nearest homicidal robot, and have her bail you out of trouble," said the Goth Chick. "Okay…goodbye then."

"Hey, wai-" started Tish, but when she turned around, Goth Chick was gone.

---ooo---

"You fools!" said Nomi angrily. "Don't tell me that _none _of you know pi up to the fiftieth digit!"

Everyone in class was either sobbing, looking pathetic, had various mathematical utensils stuck out of random parts of their body, or unconscious.

"That's it…I'm sick of all of this beating around the bush," said Nomi. "We're going to skip straight over this namby-pamby stuff and go straight into…STATEMENT PROOFS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone.

"Odion…make it stop…my brain hurts…I think it's going to explode!" said Marik in pain, gripping his head.

"Come on Marik, we've got to beat this," said Odion. "It's only one class. We can survive one class! Think of all the things that wait for us! We have our whole lives ahead of us! Don't give in now!"

"But…but…I keep mixing up converse and inverse!" said Marik. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'M ENDING IT NOW!"

"NO! MARIK! HIDE THE PROTRACTORS!" screamed Odion, trying to stop Marik from stabbing himself with a pencil.

Joey was staring blankly at the meaningless jibber that was now wall-to-wall across the blackboard in front of him, a look of pure disgust, or stupidity, on his face. However, just as the greatest minds have been inspired by nothing at all, Joey, a great shock to everyone, had his annual idea.

"Um, Nomi, may I be excused to go to the bathroom?" asked Joey, raising his hand.

"No," said Nomi.

"It's an emergency," said Joey.

"I don't care, sit down," said Nomi.

"Really…I need to empty both tanks," said Joey.

"I would really prefer that you keep your bodily functions to yourself," said Nomi. "You should have gone on your break, now _sit down_."

"Aw, come on lady!" said Joey. "Unless you want to be slippin' on the floor for the rest of the period!"

"I'll call in a janitor," said Nomi.

"I'll pass out!" yelled Joey.

"Good," said Nomi.

"LOOK! A MONKEY!" yelled Joey.

"I'm not dumb enough to fall for that," said Nomi.

"MONKEY!" yelled Shou, looking toward where Joey was pointing. "Aw…it left…"

"PEN CLICKING!" yelled Joey, whipping out a pen, and clicking the retractable push button over and over again on the end.

"FINE! You have two minutes. Go," said Nomi, as Joey eagerly rushed out of the room.

"Shou, I don't think any of us can take this much longer!" said Asuka. "I think it's time we gather up the rest of our strength, and fight to the death if necessary!"

"Well, compared to another half hour of this, death is looking pretty good right now," said Shou admittedly. "Alright! It's time to get cool!"

"Shou! No! Remember what happened the last time you tried to be cool?" cried Asuka in horror.

"ALRIGHT NOMI YOU FILTH!" yelled Shou. "You have oppressed this classroom long enough with huge words we can't understand, absolute gibberish that you scratch on the board that we have to copy down, and your ability to turn any mathematical utensil into a weapon capable of bodily harm!"

"I still can't get this ruler out of my hair," said Tristan, once again attempting to tug it out.

"THEN FEEL THE FIRE OF MY LAST MOMENTS ALIVE, AND LET IT BURN, YES BURN YOU WITH THE SEARING HEAT OF JUSTICE!" screamed Shou, tearing off his jacket, as huge flames began to wreath around his body, and whipped out a wicked cool black bandana and put it on for dramatic effect, . "RAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

BAM!

He received a kick in a very uncomfortable spot from Mono.

"I'll be good…" he said in a very high pitched voice, sinking to the floor.

"Looks like it's up to me then," said Asuka. "Alright…I may die on broken linoleum, and have my carcass rot under faulty florescent lighting, but so be it!"

"How dare you defy me?" said Nomi, flinging a piece of chalk over her shoulder. "That's it hon. you're going to get a compass where the sun don't shine-"

Suddenly, the sound of another motorcycle entered Nomi's ears, and she wheeled around to hear where it came from. Suddenly, veering down the hallways, another motorcycle did come, except the rider didn't bother parking it outside. Instead, he just zoomed right into the room, veering on his side until the motorcycle came to a halt.

"I can't believe it…he dares to show his face in front of me…" said Nomi, dropping the compass on the ground like a stone. "Such insolence…I will not tolerate.

"I see you haven't changed a bit Nomi…" said the rider, pulling off his helmet, to reveal-

"You have no right to talk…Misawa…" said Nomi darkly, not noticing that Tristan was sneaking out of the room.

---ooo---

"So you're after this…Tohru Honda?" asked Mobster, as she and Ryou sat in the back of the Sohma Boiz car.

"That's right," said the kid with silvery-purlple hair, who's name was Yuki. "Tohru Honda's been getting way too cocky. It's about time the Sohma Boiz drag her down-OH WHAT THE HECK! WHERE DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING?"

"WHAT!" yelled the orange haired kid, named Kyo. "We're heading to 32nd, right? So you have to take a left at Maverly!"

"You don't take a left at Maverly stupid!" said Yuki. "You take a left at _Newport _and you take a _right _at Maverly!"

"WE SO TAKE A LEFT AT MAVERLY YOU SMART-ARSE RAT!" yelled Kyo. "If we take a right at Maverly, we'll be on Baker, then we have to take another two rights to-"

"WHY THE HECK ARE YOU ON THE LEFT LANE!" yelled Yuki. "Okay, that's it, I'm getting the map _right now_, and-"

"Okay, just how do we play into this?" said Mobster.

"You're hostages r-HOW MANY KETCHUP PACKS DO YOU STUFF IN THIS THING?" yelled Yuki angrily, digging through the glove compartment.

"Why?" asked Ryou.

"Well…basically, your hostages," said Kyo. "HA! LOOK! NEWPORT! I WAS RIGHT!"

"WHAT? We're hostages!" yelled Ryou.

"Stop crying piggo," said Yuki.

"I'm really getting tired of this fat joke!" yelled Ryou angrily.

"Jeez! What the heck is with this intersection?" said Kyo angrily, as a bunch of gym teachers wearing mini dresses bounced by it.

"So…we meet again…" said Ryou darkly, as Mobster looked at the sign, to realize in horror that this was…_Intersection Ten_.

"IT MUST DIE!" screamed Ryou.

"NO!" screamed Mobster, clamping a hand over his mouth, watching the horror of all the bizarre people that seemed to cross the road.

"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" yelled Kyo at the pantomime animals walking past. "HURRY UP ALREADY!"

"Don't be so spazzy, we've got time," said Yuki.

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION YOU STUPID RAT!" yelled Kyo.

"I didn't ask for you to drive, stupid cat," said Yuki.

"DROP DEAD!" yelled Kyo.

"If it comes to that, I intend to take you down with me," said Yuki.

That's when Mobster got a very sneaky idea. Trying her best to be silent, she quietly unbuckled her seatbelt, and while the two continued to argue, opened her car door, and dragged out Ryou, who was still twitching pretty violently.

"-YOUR BOXER SHORTS ON THE FLAGPOLE!" yelled Kyo. "And another thing, how come your have no pupils? DO YOU KNOW HOW FRICKIN' CREEPY THAT IS?"

"Do you know how creepy it is that your eyes are the same color as your hair?" said Yuki.

"AS IF YOU SHOULD TALK!" yelled Kyo. "At least I don't look like I'm in love with men!"

"At least I don't get beaten up on a regular basis," said Yuki.

"At least I'm not a rat, rat!" yelled Kyo.

"They've ran away," said Yuki.

"And I've _never _cross dressed, unlike-what?" said Kyo.

"They ran away," said Yuki, as now some drunk Steelers fans were crossing the road. "I told you to order a car with child-proof locks you idiot!"

"Well I asked you to shut up and die, and you sure didn't take me up on that offer!" yelled Kyo.

"You stupid cat," said Yuki.

"YOU BLEEPIN BLEEP BLEEP-"

Etc., etc…

---ooo---

"-extreme bodily harm is heading you way, as well as sever emotional and spiritual trauma," said Fubuki, reading the paper. "A myth shall arouse that your bones will be a cure for most ailments, so an angry mob of townspeople were hunt you down, gut you, take out your bones, and leave your carcass to the buzzards. You remains shall then be defiled by school children, who will kick you around and laugh at you, crack open your skull, dish out your brains, and turn your head into a serving bowl for dinner mints. Lucky numbers are 4, 5, 34, and 104,820,485."

"Bumber," said the teddy bear.

"OH WAIT! I'm a _Capricorn_!" said Fubuki, flipping through the pages. "Okay, uh…you will be abducted by aliens, followed by a visit from a celestial being. You will friend will then dress like a lady. Lucky numbers are the square root of 428, 7, 9.124, and orange."

"Perhaps that would explain the huge alien space ship that's been hovering approximately seven hundred feet above our heads for the past half hour," said the teddy bear, looking up to see the whirling and blinking flying saucer.

"Oh please!" said Fubuki. "Everyone knows that flying saucers, aliens, and politicians don't exist. They are mere figments of my deranged little mind."

That's when a teleportation beam zapped him and Butch.

"Ooh, warm spot," said the Teddy, scooching over to Fubuki's spot.

---ooo---

"SETA-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

BAM!

"SETA-SAN, WHERE ARE YOU?"

BAM!"

Our favorite flawed robot, Azusa, was literally ripping the entire hallway apart, once again, because Seta had mysteriously gone missing. She continued to look in every nook and cranny for her, as ripped up lockers, water fountains, and beaten up kids lay in a destructive path behind her.

"No Seta-san…no Nii-san…I'm so lonely!" said Azusa, throwing down a cafeteria table that she had just looked under that was about as big as her. "I wish that I had a friend to play with!"

"OH MY GOD, I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!" yelled Tish, running through the hallway. "This entire school is driving me insane! Now I remember why I was so happy to finally get out!"

"HI!" said Azusa, bouncing over to Tish, who was desperately trying to find some way out of the school that she was trapped in. "My name is Azusa-chan! What's yours?"

"Sorry, can't talk, I'm kind of in crisis mode," said Tish, trying to open a window to try to jump out of so fast that she'd surpass the fence. However, it turned out that it was nailed shut.

"Have you seen a girl who looks really tall, has big, blue eyes-" started Azusa.

"Look, I don't have time, okay?" said Tish, pulling out a coil of rope.

"But it's really important!" said Azusa. "My best friend's disappeared, and my Nii-san is still missing, and-"

But Tish just turned around and ran down the hallway, not listening to a single word that Azusa said.

And we all know what happens when Azusa is ignored.

"YOU'RE SO MEAN!" yelled Azusa, having no access to either desks or waterfountains, considering she had already ripped all of them out of the wall and/or destroyed them, she grabbed the next best thing-a door out of the wall.

RIP!

Consequently, it was the exact same door that belonged to the janitors closet that Seto had been locked in, causing him to fall out and land hard on the floor.

"NII-SAN!" cried Azusa, picking up Seto, and shaking him. "OH NII-SAN! I WAS SO WORRIED! I'M SO SORRY! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE REALLY MAD AT ME, AND I'M SORRY I BEAT YOU UP! I MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISED YOOOOOOOOU!"

"I think I slipped a disk…" said Seto.

"PLEASE FORGIVE ME NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled Azusa sadly, now shaking Seto so violently that he was afraid that his neck was going to snap in two.

"No…I'm the one…who should be sorry…" said Seto. "Please…don't shake me again…"

"NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled Azusa, squeezing Seto so much that she cracked a few of his ribs. "I'm sorry Nii-san! I'll talk to later, but now I really have to beat someone up for being rude!"

"Better them than me…" said Seto.

"Can I use this?" asked Azusa, grabbing the door on the floor and running off, as Seto was happily gasping in oxygen that he nearly ran out of in the closet.

---ooo---

"Friends?" asked Seta, swearing she heard Azusa as she bounced over the remains of the ten thousand pink robots she just destroyed.

---ooo---

"HA! We should have thought of this sooner Tristan!" said Joey, as the two hid out in the boys bathroom. "All we have to do is hang out here until the end of class, then we won't have to deal with that crazy math nerd chick and her two drones!"

"Yeah! No one's stupid enough to think that we wouldn't do something as stupid as this to kill time!" said Tristan. "We're golden!"

"I don't know what's more satisfying," said Nomo, walking into the room with a tape recorder in his hand. "Whether I just caught you both, or whether I got every single word you said on tape!"

"You didn't tape the part about-" Joey started.

"Well _I _have _two _full trunks of Beanie Babies Tristan!" Nomo made Joey's tape recorder say.

"YOU SICK MAN!" said Joey.

"That's it!" said Tristan. "You can't take either of us alive, because we're wicked tough macho men, and we can beat you up any day of the week! Besides, it's two against one!"

"Are you kidding?" asked Nomo. "There isn't a single macho thing about you! I've seen more acts of masculinity in Martha Stewart Living!"

"Oh please," said Joey. "Have _you _won every street fight that you've been in?"

"Yes," said Nomo.

"Well have _you _saved someone from a burning building?" asked Joey.

"Seven times," said Nomo.

"Uh…well have _you _always made it to the finals of every single card tournament ever, despite a low brain capacity and attention span?" asked Joey.

"Yes," said Nomo.

"Well…do _you _bench press three times your body weight?" asked Joey.

"Four times," said Nomo.

"Well have _you _watched every Super Bowl game?" asked Joey.

"Pre-season through, and I have them all on tape," said Nomo.

"Well have you ever…won the finals of the men's pro wrestling league?"

"Seven times, and the women's pro-wrestling four," said Nomo, pulling out a huge, championship belt.

"Well…uh, do you have an Olympic Gold medal?" asked Joey.

"Discus, summer games, 1988," said Nomo, holding up a medal that he had under his shirt.

"I think he's got us Joe," said Tristan.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET US ALIVE COPPA!" yelled Joey, breaking into a run to try to body slam Nomo, thus giving him and Tristan a chance to escape. However, seeing Joey charge, Nomo merely moved aside, and grabbed Joey's underwear, thus making Joey give himself the worst wedgie he'd had since the fourth grade 'pink nail polish' incident.

There was silence.

"I SURRENDER!" Tristan yelled.

---ooo---

"Okay…we lost them…" said Ryou, as both he and Mobster stopped running, both sitting on a street corner. "Okay, now all we have to do is find Fubuki and the others, and we're good."

"What about the police?" asked Mobster. "If they find us, we're done for! Then we'll just have to start from square one!"

"Good point…" said Ryou. "In that case, we should probably get out of the open and try to get to a phone. Oh, no good, I forgot Asuka's number. We're stuck."

"Don't worry! I'll communicate via telekinesis!" said Mobster, pressing her two pointer fingers to the sides of her head, a very strained look on her face.

"Telekinesis' is the power to move objects with your mind, _telepathy _is communication through brainwaves!" said Ryou.

"And pinapples aren't really apples!" said Mobster. "And everyone knows that even though bow and bough sound similar, they have differenet spellings, an thus, different meanings that need to be analized by the content of the phrase by which they are used in!"

"…yes…" said Ryou.

"SEE! I'm smarter than you are! I'm smarter than you are!" sung Mobster.

"_What?_" asked Ryou.

"Yes!" Mobster.

"You're making no sense!" said Ryou.

"ALRIGHT! That's a confession!" said a uniformed officer, carrying a huge net slung over his shoulder. "You two are sitting in a no senseless dialog zone! Let me see your license!"

"Oh…hang on," said Ryou, pulling out his wallet.

"NO YOU TWIT!" yelled the man, slapping Ryou across the back of his head. "Show me your _license_!"

"I'm getting my license!" yelled Ryou.

"Don't you play cute with me!" said the uniformed officer. "I hate it when people play cute! IT MAKES ME SICK!"

"I'm cute!" said Mobster.

"Shut up!" said the officer, slapping Ryou again. "And where's _your _license?"

"I don't have one! I'm only twelve!" said Mobster.

"WHAT'S THAT! AN EXCUSE?" yelled the officer. "I hate excuses more than I hate people playing cute! I also hate it when no matter how early you go, you can never get a decent parking spot at the union! And I also hate it when your doing something really important online and…OH! Brainfreeze! I really hate brainfreeze!"

"Alright! There's senseless dialog being committed in this area!" said another officer, appearing on the scene. "That's it! I'll have a word about this later with you Morey. Now, where are your licenses?"

"Well if you just let me get out my wallet then maybe-" started Ryou.

"HOLY CRIPES! You don't even have collars!" said the second officer.

"Excuse me?" asked Mobster.

"No collars, no licenses, senseless dialog! You people are hard core delinquents!" said the first officer. "RIGHT! That's it! Get in the van, both of you!"

"What the…" said Ryou, as an SPCA van drove up next to the scene.

"You can't take us to the pound!" yelled Mobster. "Pounds only accept dogs and cats!"

"We've had a recent surge in budget, now they let us take in upper primates," said the first officer.

"Enough of your chit-chat!" said the second. "Get in, both of you! You're going downtown!"

---ooo---

Next week, Misawa VS Nomi, Sohma Boiz VS Tohru Honda and Kisa, and close encounters of the stupid kind! See ya!


	23. WOOT! RIOT!

INSERT WITTY OPPENING COMMENT HERE

Herro! Me again!

Hey, just in case any of you are wondering, Misawa is, of course, Sebastian 'Bastian' Misawa (I'm _really _scratching my head on that one).

Yeah, I am so busy (again), so busy that I'm really having to crunch time to finish up the chapters. However, I will try my best to keep them up and running. But just a warning, if I miss an update, it isn't because I pulled the plug on the story or died. It's because I'm wearing my behind raw.

This has kind of been at the back of my head for awhile now, but someone pointed out that even though he's in the title, Marik is starting to show up less and less in this story. Ah…it's true! But I plan to show a lot more of him in later chapters, as we get closer to the end.

That's another thing…WE'RE GETTING CLOSER TO THE END OF THE STORY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE NEXT ONE! So basically…Shri's in mental crisis mode. Oh well…

**Chapter Twenty Three**

**WOOT! RIOT!**

_In which Joey swing from a floresent light_

"Okay Odion, our plan is thus," said Marik, drawing a lot of Xs, Os, and stick figures all over his math notebook. "While those two turbo nerds square off, we make our daring escape! When the yelling really begins, I'll cause some sort of distraction. I'm leaning toward exploding but…"

"Marik, you realize we can just sneak out the door right now when they're talking, right?" said Odion.

"Shut up!" said Marik. "Okay, making something explode, how are we going to pull that…Odion, what can we cause to explode in a way that nobody will notice us doing it?"

Silence.

"You really don't have a clue, do you?" asked Odion.

"SHUT UP!" said Marik, frantically scribbling on his paper again. "Grr…stupid Odion, stupid math…stupid people…stupid math nerds…"

"And we still haven't really had any true inspiration on how we can steal Yugi's puzzle yet," said Odion. "Well, snatching it while Yugi was distracted _nearly _worked last time-"

"ODION! THAT'S IT!" screamed Marik at the very top of his lungs. "WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE? ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS STEAL THE SMEGGIN' PUZZLE AND RUN OFF! IT'S BRILLIANT! BLOODY BRILLIANT!"

Everyone in the room now looked right at him.

"As usual, you take a good, simple plan, and you completely screw it up," said Odion.

"I DO NOT!" yelled Marik again. "At least we didn't tell them about the part when I was going to try to create a distraction by blowing something up and-oh, Ra, I just did. Sorry!"

"WHY DOES IT SEEM THAT THE GODS ARE AGAINST ME?" yelled Odion.

---ooo---

"Okay…stuck in a pound…this is new…" said Ryou, as he and Mobster sat in a cage, as all around them they heard the sound of dogs barking like mad.

"Yeah, I mean getting stuck in jail's typical, but this is really broadening our horizons," said Mobster, holding one of the dog dishes in her hand. "Hey, I'll eat this whole thing right now for five bucks!"

"Okay…I just need some peace and quiet to think…a little peace and quiet…" said Ryou.

"Was that directed at me?" asked Mobster.

"Partially," said Ryou.

"So I can partially talk?" asked Mobster.

"You can do anything you want, but I would _prefer _to have some quiet so I can think of a way out of here," said Ryou. "Alright, we would need another distraction, but to do that, we'd need some outside help, and no one knows that we're stuck here-"

"I'm bored!" yelled Mobster.

"And I'm just barely hanging on at the edge of my seat," said Ryou. "If only we had some way to get a hold of _someone_, but-"

"What are you doing that's so interesting then?" asked Mobster.

"I was being _sarcastic_," said Ryou.

"So it's fun to be sarcastic?" asked Mobster.

"No, it's not," said Ryou.

"So it's _not _fun to be sarcastic," said Mobster.

"It's not really fun, but it's not really not fun," said Ryou. "It's more for the sake of wit and for the speakers own brief amusement."

"So it _is _fun to be sarcastic!" said Mobster.

"That's not the point you hyperactive, deranged, sick little British-obsessed pre-teen," said Ryou. "The point is that we are stuck in a pound, and either I find a way to contact the outside world or bail us out, or we're going to be stuck here until the police come and drag us back to prison."

"OH! Let me try to be sarcastic!" said Mobster. "You are like, _so _thin!"

Silence.

"My God, you and Fubuki are two of a kind, aren't you?" said Ryou. "Your poor teammates…I can't imagine their psychotherapy bills…"

---ooo---

Speaking of Fubuki…

"I am telling you, it's salmon!" said one of the alien warriors from Planet Nor of the Arterial Galaxy that we had brief reference to back in chapter two and an even briefer reference in chapter sixteen, as he and some of his crewmates were observing some photos of the school parking lot.

"It's too gray to be salmon! It's more of an ashy pink!" said the other one.

Suddenly, on the teleportation pad, Fubuki materialized, still holding Butch, the deranged, homicidal duck.

"Alright, we've teleported the life form," said the head alien. "Earth Creature of the current dominant species, do you have a sense of individual identity, or can we give you a really stupid name to refer you by?"

Silence.

"DO…YOU…SPEAK…ENGLISH?" asked one of the alien.

"Maybe he's of a different sub group…whatdaya call it…nationatlity?" asked one of the aliens.

"DUDE! I've been abducted!" said Fubuki.

"This earth creature seems slow on the uptake," said one of the aliens.

"Earth creature, do you have what you commonly refer to as a _name_?" asked one of the aliens in a slow, clear voice.

"I'M FUBUKI!" said Fubuki. "F IS FOR FUBUKI, WHICH IS WHAT MY NAME IS, I COULD SAY T'S FOR-"

"Okay, that's…idiotic," said the alien leader. "Okay earth creature, we are simply going to ask you a few questions to determine just how advanced your race is. Now then, has you species managed to solve and prevent any kind of disease no matter how fast a new one is created?"

"NO!" said Fubuki.

"Have you found a way to create power in ways besides using flimsy natural resources?" asked the head alien.

"Uh…nope," said Fubuki.

"Have you discovered the secret to perpetual motion?" asked the head alien.

"IS THAT LIKE THOSE LITTLE BALLS YOU BANG TOGETHER?" asked Fubuki.

"…have you found a way to feed all members of your population of species?" asked the alien.

"I love those bally things!" said Fubuki.

"Okay then," said the aliens. "If your species is so advanced, than what accomplishments _do _you have?"

"PLASTIC SURGERY, WEASEL-LIKE POLITICIANS, WARS, AND PRIME TIME TELEVISION!" said Fubuki.

Silence.

"Alright, I've seen enough," said the head alien. "We've gathered enough field data. We've come in enough contact with the locals. This planet is so close, _so close_, to be going on it's way to become a truly advanced planet, but now, they've wrapped themselves around wars, violence, and amateur pantomime."

"Yeah, they haven't even gotten over the whole stupid 'war' thing!" said one of the aliens.

"And they have awful customer service!" said another.

"Alright dim witted creature self proclaimed 'Fubuki'," said one of the aliens, handing Fubuki a huge back and an envelope sealed with an odd sort of green lump. "Please give this to your main political and economic leaders, a sum of rare Norian gems worth about sixty billion earth dollars a lump, and this letter expressing any sorrow for the inconvenience of enslaving your entire planet for farmland for producing cash crops."

"RIGHTO SKIPPER!" said Fubuki, saluting.

"Uh…great," said the alien. "Okay then, have fun delivering the message of your global enslavement."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" said Fubuki, as he was beamed down by the ships teleportation thingy.

---ooo---

"Niiiiiiiiice warm spot…" said the huge teddy bear, as at that moment, Fubuki was beamed down right next to him from the alien space ship with a flash of green, as his atoms slowly arranged in his shape. "Oh, hey Fubuki, what's up?"

"I gotta go to the UN and tell them that our planet is enslaved carrying this huge sack of really valuable rocks," said Fubuki.

"Bummer dude," said the teddy bear.

"Yeah, well, I probably should head to the air port to get a plane ticket, and-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! CANDY STORE!" said Fubuki, suddenly spying such a store. "Hey, want some Blowpops? I'm buying."

"Sweet," said the teddy bear, as the two began to head off toward the purveyor of fine dental bills.

----ooo---

"HI! I'm Cheryl, and I have nothing to do with the storyline!" screamed a girl in front of the screen. "I paid Shri ten bucks to be here so I could have fifty whole words to say in this fanfic! Now I should probably say something cool… I've got it-"

_Your fifty world limit has expired! Have a nice day!_

---ooo---

"So you came crawling back to us, just as I thought," Nomi, glaring at Misawa right in the eye. "The revolution is already one Misawa. There's nothing you can do. Others are slowly beginning to realize our cause. Your morality shall abandon you in the end."

"You really amuse me Nomi," said Misawa. "But I must point out that you still are technically on the run, and that now you've officially crossed the border to fugitive. You must have violated ten codes by bringing a motorcycle into this building, and another fifteen for dressing like a-"

"I don't have time for your trash!" said Nomi. "You never saw any meaning to our cause! You didn't see just how amusing it was to take the masses, the ones who have long mocked us, and force them to play _our _game!"

"Boy, someone doesn't bear a grudge," said Asuka.

"SILENCE YOU!" said Nomi. "And you Misawa! You shouldn't be saying anything! You claim to love math, but you're just a coward! You're not a true math nerd, like we are!"

"Here's our chance Odion!" said Marik, cackling evily. "Time to spring our plan into action! Create the distraction Odion!"

"Which is?" said Marik.

"HEY! It was your job to think that part up!" said Marik.

"No it wasn't," said Odion.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Marik.

"Oh God, if your going to plot an escape, at least do it so at least a _few_ people can't hear you," said Asuka.

"YOU TOO!" yelled Marik. "I WANT EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS ROOM TO SHUT UP!"

Everyone went silent for a second.

"Thank you!" said Marik.

"I brought back the idiots," said Nomo, carrying Joey and Tristan back in, both hanging by their underwear.

"See Misawa?" said Nomi, walking over to Tristan and Joey, who both looked like they were going to burst into sobs of pain at any minute. "This is the excuses that are the enemies of all nerds. Loser…pathetic losers…and yet they mock us! They vote us really unkind positions in the yearbook! They are the ones who laugh at us EVERY SMEGGING VALENTINES DAY AND DANCE OF THE YEAR!"

"Bitter," said Shou. "Very hot, but very bitter…"

"AND YOU CAN SHUT UP TOO!" yelled Nomi.

"NO, YOU SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO PLOT!" yelled Marik.

"YOUR PLOTS AREN'T WORTH TRASH!" yelled Nomi.

"THEY ARE TOO WORTH TRASH!" yelled Marik.

"I've had enough of this banter!" yelled Nomi. "Look Misawa, I'll give you one last chance to join our cause, and if you take it, then whoopee for you. If you don't…then things will get nasty…"

"I will never join your cause Nomi," said Misawa. "I love math…if math was a girl I would date her…if math was a type of pasta, I'd have it every night…"

"Not so hot on English though I see," said Asuka.

"However, I will never stoop down to this level! I will purposely humiliate the masses in the name of Math!" yelled Misawa passionately, as he was suddenly immersed in a super-sparkly spotlight thing. "Is this how you want history to remember math fanatics? Do you want the generations to see us as heartless fiends who destroy in order to create? DO YOU WANT OUR CHILDREN TO FOREVER WALK IN SHAME OF THEIR FOREFATHER'S MISDEEDS?"

"I stand corrected," said Asuka.

"That's very cute, but you forget that I have a whole classroom of students hostage, not to mention I have two soulless drones that, other then names, own no identity or personality."

"That's not true!" yelled Nomo. "I actually have a friend personality, have a major in Biomedics and a minor in physics, I work part time as a firefighter, I busted eighteen black market deals, and I love cats and hot chocolate!"

"And I actually harbor a dark secret that I'm searching for my long lost mother from a war-torn land that I just managed to escape from with my kind and generous adopted family!" said Mono. "I now am a member of the peace core, and risk my life every day to make sure people are safe!"

"Well whoop-dee-do for you," said Nomi. "The fact is Misawa, you're outnumbered, and you know it. What do you have that could possibly hope to outmatch my skills?"

"I have a TI-89 Titan, and believe me Nomi, I'm not afraid to use it," said Misawa with an almost homicidal grin, whipping out a graphing calculator. Everyone in the room gasps.

"No! Only a nerd with true power can master the dark and dangerous arts of the graphing calculator!" said Shou in awe.

"I bet he even knows how to play games on them!" said Tristan.

"Heh…is that all?" said Nomi. "You're a fool Misawa…an utter fool…even I can see that…"

"You can't afford one, can you?" said Misawa.

"SHUT UP!" she yelled, whipping out a graphing calculator. "I'm sick of you Misawa. I'm shutting you up for good!"

"You borrowed it, didn't you?" said Misawa.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" yelled Nomi.

---ooo---

"HEY! I'M JEFF!" said another random person. "I only paid Shri two dollars, so that means I only get twenty-"

---ooo---

"No, I'm telling you, Blow Pops are so much better than Tootsiepops!" yelled Fubuki, as both he and the giant teddy bear were chewing on lollipops, Fubuki now holding two huge bags, one of the really rare rocks, and the other of lollipops that he bought with one rare rock.

"Whatever man," said the teddy bear.

"Helloooooooooooo Fubuki!" said a huge, larger-than-life voice, as Fubuki turned around to see a man with down-to-the floor silver hair, wearing a super-long coat and had big, feathery wings coming out of his back. "I'm Ayame Sohma, and I'm here to warp your itty bitty brain!"

"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE THE GUY I OWE TEN BUCKS TOO!" yelled the teddy bear. "Oh wait…no, your not…"

"HI MISS!" yelled Fubuki, spraying Ayame with little bits of crystallized sugar.

"I'm not a miss you naughty boy!" said Ayame. "I am a celestial being here to beg you to stop the horrible warring between the Sohma Boiz and Tohru Honda the Homicidal Maniac so that we don't get too much negative publicity and are able to sell our next book this April!"

"You're not a celestial being, you're an insane man with little fluffy wings glued to his back," said the teddy bear.

"No, I am a celestial being. Deal with it!" said Ayame.

"Aren't you that guy who's had the biggest crush on Hatori for, like, ever?" said the teddy bear.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Ayame. "The point is Fubuki, only you and your bizarre sense of timing, as well as your need to do outlandishly stupid things to solve problems, can hope to counter the random, senseless violence! Or make it worse…much worse…in fact, maybe even start another war…again…for the third time this week…"

"Can I have your number?" asked Fubuki.

"SURE!" said Ayame, holding out his number, written on pink paper covered in little pink hearts.

"I'LL DO IT!" yelled Fubuki. "Become a peacekeeper is at the top of my list, right under spaceman, oppressive dictator of an obscure European country, and synchronized swimmer!"

"Well good for you hon!" said Ayame, as Fubuki bounced off eagerly. "OH! Wait! Come back! You don't know where it is!"

But Fubuki had already jumped a fence, and screamed as he fell down and cracked his ribs, as well as creating a huge explosion, for some odd reason.

"Ah, what a treasure!" said Ayame, bouncing away.

---ooo---

"So…at last we meet Sohma…" said Tohru, holding up a really big looking scary weapon of random attack power that is random and scary.

"Indeed Tohru!" said Yuki, also armed with an equally dangerous and random cannon thing.

"You know, I think Shri's really running out of ideas of what to call random tools of extreme violence," said Double S.

"No, really?" asked ASV, his voice excessively eeking with sarcasm.

"Yes!" said Double S, as ASV gave him a long, sad, critical look.

"ENOUGH OF THIS SENSLESS BANTER, I WANT TO BLOW SOMETHING UP!" yelled Kisa, brandishing a weapon.

"Fine, fine, I just want to see what pathetic excuse they give us for hostages this time," said Tohru. "The last one was a librarian and a out-of-work mime. Let's see if they could top it off."

"We were going to have two weird hostages named Ryou something and Mobster something, but they…um…" said Yuki. "Hold on, let me start over, your hostages are…wait…um…"

"HERE THEY ARE!" yelled Kyo, holding out two frantically sewn plushies, that looked a little like Ryou and Mobster…if they were both shrunk to the size of beanie babies, turned into felt, shoved in a blender, and passed through a cow's digestive system.

"THEY TOPPED IT! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! THEY TOPPED IT!" yelled Kisa in shock, as a random crowd from the Olympic games ran in and cheered, holding up flags, etc.

"Now Tohru Honda, surrender over your power as queen of the angry ex-bubble head girls, and we shall reward you with extra underwear to iron press!" yelled Kyo.

"Underwear…WAIT! NO! I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE!" yelled Tohru, pulling up the really dangerous weapon. "Is that all you think I am now? Some soulless doll who'll bend to your every little whim?"

"Pretty much, I MEAN NO!" yelled Yuki.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tohru. "SAY BYE-BYE YUKI!"

"Then you can say bye-bye Tohru!" yelled Kyo, holding up another random weapon.

"Then you can say bye-bye Kyo!" yelled Kisa.

"Then you can say bye-bye Kisa!" yelled Yuki.

Silence.

"There's some really deep symbolism here, I just know it…" said Double S.

"Why don't we just blow up the entire town and be done with it?" asked Kisa.

"YAY!" screamed the other three.

"STOP! STOP IT ALL OF YOU! STOP THIS MADNESS!"

That's when Fubuki, for some odd reason, just fell right out of the sky and landed right in the middle of the group of the four.

This was followed by another period of silence.

"Lets blow him up too!" yelled Tohru.

"YAY!" cheered the other three.

"Wait! No! I need to say something first!" yelled Fubuki.

"Can we then blow you up?" asked Tohru.

"Okay!" said Fubuki.

"YAY!" screamed the four.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS? WHY MUST YOUR LIFE BE RIDDLED IN SENSLESS VIOLENCE?" yelled Fubuki, suddenly switching to a dramatic tone. "Don't you ever wonder if there's something beyond this? Don't you ever thing that there are more entertaining things that you can do with your lives than blow up stuff? Don't you see all the people you hurt? Don't you see all of this destruction?"

"Whoa, Fubuki sounds so…inspiring…" said ASV.

"What a beautiful soul!" said Double S, with tears in his eyes.

"We can't go on living like this, destroying in order to amuse!" said Fubuki. "We must struggle for a higher level of thought, one that will not harm anyone! One that wont destroy buildings or break things or cause terribly melodramatic television programs about how all kids should watch Barney until their eighteen!"

All the heavily armed whackos started to cry.

"Cause all that I'm sayiiiiiiiiiiiiin'," said Fubuki, pulling out his ukulele, and strumming a few random notes on it, "is give peace a chaaaaaaaaaance. Cause if you don't…I'LL RIP, AND I'LL TEAR, AND I'LL BEAT UP! AND I'LL SMAAAAAAAAASH!"

With that, he smashed the ukulele wildly on the ground screaming like a punk rocker, causing a huge schism to form in the pavement, swallowing up both Tohru and Yuki's cars, sending them both to the Earth's fiery core.

"Oh strange and bizarre looking passerby, your words have touched my heart," said Tohru Honda. "Is there anything we can do to thank you for your kindness and your inspiration?"

"Can you give us a ride to the high school?" asked Fubuki.

"Uh," said Tohru, as the schism fixed itself. "No."

"Guess we'll have to ride the bus then," said ASV.

"Darn, I hate the bus," said Kisa.

---ooo---

"Gah…you are…truly a…challenge…" said Nomi, flinching in pure pain as she held up the calculator straight in front of her against Misawa's.

"So are…you…" said Misawa, also in pain. "I didn't expect you to know how to compute advanced polynomials with multiple values of X."

"I didn't expect you to know every single way a right triangle can be determined if you only had the exact measurement of one leg!" said Nomi.

"Nomi…I don't want this to happen…our bodies can only take so much math…then they'll shut down for good…" Misawa said. "You have to stop this…you too good to die Nomi…you have to turn back now while there's still a chance…"

"Boy, this whole 'Tanya' thing's really made you lose your grip," said Nomi.

"SHUTUPI'MTRYINGTOFORGETABOUTIT!" yelled Misawa.

"WAIT! I GOT AN IDEA!" yelled Marik. "Let's just riot!"

Everyone was silent.

"You'd think one of us would think it up sooner," said Tea.

"WOOT! RIOT!" screamed Joey, and that's when pretty much everyone in the room screamed like wild animals. The room then dissolved into total chaos, consisting of people throwing large objects around, screaming, tackling random people, as some kid pulled out a huge boom box and belted it out.

"BLAST!" yelled Nomi, as some guy got thrown over her head with his shirt torn off, pointing her calculator at the ceiling. "No more time for games Misawa! We can handle extreme math, but this supporting beam can't!"

"NOMI! NO!" yelled Misawa.

BAM!

"NOMI ANASAKA!" yelled Seto, kicking open the dorm, backed by about a dozen or so body guards. "You are-"

Seto got nailed by a kid with a bunch of chalk stuck up his nose.

"Okay, that didn't count," said Seto, shoving the kid of. "NOMI ANASAKA, YOU ARE UNDER THE ARREST BY THE ORDER OF THE NATIONAL SOCIETY OF MATH FANATICS!"

"Blast!" said Nomi. "Was this your plan all along?"

"You bet," said Misawa.

"Well too bad, because if you haven't noticed, none of you have any proof, and I'm sure not many people are going to take a rioting crowd's testimony seriously," said Nomi, as Joey was swinging wildly from a florescent light.

"But they do take tape recordings seriously!" said Shou, holding up a voice recorder.

"CURSES!" yelled Nomi, as she was dragged off by the body guards. "I WON'T FORGET THIS MISAWA! I WILL RETURN! AND WHEN I DO, I SHALL HAVE MY SWEET REVENGE!"

"Oh, shut up you nerd," said Misawa, as for a moment, everyone sweat dropped as Nomi cackled insanely.

"Thank you so much Misawa," said Asuka, walking over. "I can't thank you enough for this. Is there any way we can repay you?"

"No Asuka…" said Misawa, as dramatic music began to play in the background. "I only hope that one day, people with a greater than usual interests in math will one day be appreciated…and as long as a single flower blooms in the spring, as long as there's a single drop of life in my body, AS LONG AS THE EARTH SPINS, AND THE SAND RUNS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS, I WILL NEVER-"

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

"IT'S TOTALLY THE END OF THE PERIOD!" yelled Joey, as the rioting students suddenly stampeded (ALLITERATION POLICE!) out of the room, roaring and screaming, and still trying to destroy as many things as they could in the process.

"Misawa…" said Asuka uneasily, looking at the poor man, who was thoroughly trampled and covered in frantic footprints.

"Yeah…fat chance…I know…" said Misawa.

---ooo---

Hey everyone! Guess what? Next time, we have an extra special chapter! The next arch of the story is a tribute to the many, many 'lost' characters of 'There's Something About Marik'. I hope it's to your liking! And I hope to see you for an especially insane chapter!


	24. Welcome to Randomland!

Cool! My eye is twitching!

I think I know what my next fic's going to be…but you'd all kill me if I told you.

We're going to take an extremely short break from the (cough) storyline (cough) to take a look at the poor, poor little characters who were promised main parts…and got shoved over by a bunch of other characters who virtually popped out of nowhere. Heh.

So for the first time, all the 'lost' characters, ones that somehow got lost in the sick, twisted, 'oh-my-god-you-added-another-character-what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-you' storyline, are all shoved into their own little episode thing. Yay for them! Welcome to the second to the last part of the 'WE ALL HATE SCHOOL' story arch! But don't get too comfy! We still have a lot of chapters to go!

**Chapter Twenty Four**

**WELCOME TO RANDOMLAND! PREPARE TO CRY FOR YOUR MOMMIES!**

_In which the three girly men are frequently outsmarted by a five-year-old_

"Finally…at last…I have escaped from the clutches of that awful woman…" said Ka'aewu, his fur ruffled in spots where he was hugged too tightly from Seta. "BLAST! I hate being a bloody rabbit! I am so sick of being a rabbit! Why not something cool? Like something that flies? Or something that has venomous fangs that make your body swell up when you get bitten? WHY A BLOODY RABBIT?"

"Technically, you're a hare," said a professor looking person standing next to him, carrying a huge encyclopedia.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Ka'aewu. "The fact is, I will never truly be free again until I am able to give myself a cooler form than a smegging rabbit! But I don't have any access to my magical powers anymore! We must fix this…but how?"

"Random plot twists!" yelled some guy, looking like someone who'd sell hot dogs or penuts between circus acts. "Random plot twists! Get yer random plot twists here!"

"What a stroke of luck!" said Ka'aewu, bouncing over to the guy. "Excuse me my good man, I am interested in a random plot twist."

"Alright we got 'found long lost relative', we got 'sudden illness' we got 'main character death', we got 'hit by something big and heavy', we got-" rambled the guy on and on, shifting through various mallets that were all labeled with the things he said on the tray.

"I was actually thinking something more on the lines of somehow finding a way to regain your true form after changing into a cuddly animal," said Ka'aewu.

"Uh…okay, I think 'Sudden Zapping to Alternative Dimesion' is the one you're wanting," said the sales guy, pulling out a mallet with a huge question mark scribbled on it. "Do you want it gift wrapped?"

"Just hand it over!" yelled Ka'aewu, as the guy held the mallet right over him…and dropped it on his tiny body.

"Random plot twists…get yer random plot twists…" he said, wheeling the cart away, as a little corner of Ka'aewus' cotton tail poked out from the bottom of the head of the hammer.

---ooo---

_Girly Man,_

_What did you get for the answer to question 7?_

_---Valon_

_Valon,_

_WHEN WILL IT EVER MANAGE TO MAKE IT INTO YOUR MINUTE LITTLE SKULL THAT I AM **NOT **A GIRL, I STILL AM **NOT**, A GIRL, UNLIKE YOU, AND I WILL NEVER BE ONE?_

_---Alister_

_Girly Man,_

_Probably when you stop wearing a midriff, low rise pants, and get a normal haircut!_

_---Valon_

_Stupid Auzie,_

_YOU'RE REALLY HACKING ME OFF, DO YOU KNOW THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW TEMPTED I AM TO JUST RIP YOU HEAD OFF, BOTH YOUR LEGS, AND-_

"Alister, stop passing Valon death threats," said the teacher, as the paper nearly caught on fire from the friction burn of Alister writing on the paper. "Now then, today we're going to talk about nothing but a fat load of crap. Please take out your notes and coy all of the senseless dribble down."

"Girly man, do you have a spare piece of paper?" asked Valon.

"No," said Alister.

"Not even in that huge notebook that has 'spare pieces of paper' written on it in highlighter?" asked Valon.

"NO! BUG OFF!" said Alister.

"Alister, stop acting like a lady," said Raffy.

"YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A CARD-OBSESSED FANATIC!" said Alister. "I thought it was bad enough that you weightlifted twice your body weight every day. We really should take you to a doctor to test you for mental disorders or something-"

"I CAN QUIT HALUCINATING AND OBESSIVLY EXERCISSING WHENEVER I WANT TO!" said Raphael.

"Hang on…I think I'm getting a text message," said Alister, pulling out his cell phone, and flipping it open to see the screen.

_Guys, gotta regroup. Meet me outside school pronto. From Dartz._

"Looks like were actually going to do something," said Alister, as Valon chewed on his own arm. "Finally, I thought I was going to be stuck doing nothing of importance all day."

"WOOT!" yelled Valon. "See ya teach! We're cuttin' class!"

"Have fun," said the teacher dully. "Now we're going to talk about…my marriage life…in grave detail…if you have headphones, I suggest you put them on now."

---ooo---

"I HATE YOU!" yelled Dartz at the top of his lungs.

"I hate you more!" yelled Zigfried.

"I hate you even more than that!" yelled Dartz.

"I love everyone!" said Peggy.

"You can just die!" yelled Dartz. "For cripes sakes, where are my brainwashed drones? I need them to pull through my evil plan to capture the Millenium Puzzle. Which reminds me…WHY HAVEN'T YOU TWO LEFT YET?"

"Becaused Dartzy, we're getting massive amounts of film that we can mail into AFV!" said Ziggy, holding up a tape.

"Yeah, I bet the one where you got your hair caught in the garbage disposal trying to communicate to the underground to the great leviathan is going to score some points!" said Peggy.

"Well hooray, I was so close to actually _forgetting _about it too," said Dartz. "Thanks guys. THANKS A BLESSED LOAD!"

"What's your plan anyway?" asked Ziggy.

"I was actually just thinking of having Valon hold Yugi down, have Raffy beat him up, and have Alister snatch the puzzle," said Dartz. "I've given up trying to be clever. I'm going for simple and violent."

"Sounds good," said Ziggy.

"Yeah, but then there's the whole issue of getting them to coordinate that well…" said Dartz. "The last time time I tried to get them to play on the same team in Scrabble, the entire board was destroyed, Raffy was treated for having Scrabble tiles imbedded in his forehead, Alister was bound, gagged, and stuffed in a hall closet, and Valon was found ten days later wandering around in his underwear."

"Good help is so hard to find these days…" said Ziggy. "I keep telling that to my six thousand eight hundred forty nine servants."

"I only have an need one servant…and his name…is Croquet…" said Pegasus, his eyes getting big.

_(Cut from the US version is a shot of Pegasus and Croquet both wearing dresses and skipping through a field of pretty flowers)_

"Just how many issues does Uncle Peggy haf?" asked Ziggy.

---ooo---

"-so then when I was somewhere near Toledo, I found my underwear hanging from a sweets shop!" said Valon.

"Valon, for the last time, none of us want to hear the story about your first date!" yelled Alister. "We are looking for Dartz so-hey, what's that?"

In front of them, there was a great, big, spiraling portal thingy, that seemed to echo with a infernal yet incredibly amusing power, one with the capability to tear a storyline apart.

"What is it?" asked Raffy, just staring at it.

"It's a…it's a…OH YEAH! It's totally a thing!" yelled Valon.

"Well wonderful, I'm glad that's cleared up," said Alister.

Silence.

"So what do we do anyway?" said Raffy.

"We can't go over it, we can't go under it…WE GOTTA GO THROUGH IT!" said Valon.

"Or we could just take another route," said Alister.

"NO! THAT WAY!" said Valon angrily, pointing.

"Valon, we'll get killed if we go that way," said Raffy. "My Mom's name was Ayuma, until she went through a portal…and now her name's BETTY!"

All three gasped in horror.

"That's terrible!" yelled Alister. "What kind of sick and horrible name would they give me?"

Silence.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO OBVIOUS!" yelled Alister.

"Well…let's just ignore it and hope it goes away," said Raffy.

_TOO LATE FOOLS! THE PORTAL CRAVES THE SOULS OF THE WORLD OF SANITY, TO TAKE THEM TO A PLACE WHERE THEIR ENTIRE BEINGS SHALL BE TORN APART LIKE STRIPS OF PAPER!_

Before either of the three could say another word, the entire room was consumed in light, and with a shriek, the three were dissolved into the most horrible land of all…

---ooo---

"HOW LONG TO THE PLAN TO BE GONE?" yelled Dartz. "Knowing them, they probably mistook 'front of school' for 'obscure battle field in a developing African war-zone' and-"

"Uncle Peggy, how come you have silvery hair when you're only twenty-something?" asked Zigfried. "Come to think of it, how can you be my uncle if we're virtually the same age?"

"Well, let's just say you have a pretty twisted family!" said Pegasus. "My, I think it's just about time for a random plot twist!"

"Excuse me?" asked Dartz.

"That cloud looks like a bunny!" said Pegasus.

"HA! FOOLS!" yelled a voice at their side, as all three 'men' turned around to see a tiny bunny, cackling like a maniac. "You won't find your friends anytime soon…for you see…THEY HAVE FALLEN INTO MY TRAP!"

Gasp!

"A BUNNY!" yelled Pegasus.

"HAVE YOU FORGOTEN WHO I AM ALREADY?" yelled Ka'aewu. "I was so close to completely devouring your sanity…and now I shall have my revenge!"

"What a cute bunny!" Pegasus said.

"YOU IDIOT! I am Ka'aewu! Ka'aewu the Forest Whisperer!" screamed the bunny. "And now, you, ladies, have become my pawns in my plan to obtain all the sanity in the world!"

"Ew! Chess iz for nerdz!" yelled Ziggy.

"I have something very precious of yours…" said Ka'aewu. "And unless you fetch me something _veeeeeeery_ important…bad things will happen to them. FOR THEY ARE YOUR EMPLOYEES!"

"Oh them? You can keep them," said Dartz absentmindedly.

"YES! YES! I-wha?" asked Ka'aewu.

"They aren't that special, whatever you want to do to them, go ahead," said Dartz.

"They have that little value to you?" asked Ka'aewu.

"Um…yeah," said Dartz.

"Then fine!" said Ka'aewu. "If you don't bend to my demands…uh…em…this is awkward…"

"CUTE BUNNY!" yelled Pegasus.

"OH! I've got it!" said Ka'aewu. "You must aide my evil deeds, or I shall do something so terrible that your feeble minds cannot comprehend its horror!"

"Like what?" asked Dartz.

_Four Seconds Later_

"AH! NO! STOP! TOO HORRIFYING!" yelled Dartz, as he, Pegasus, and Ziggy were cringing in terror at the mercy of Ka'aewu, who had done something so painfully awful and mind bending (i.e. something the author couldn't think up but somehow needed to imply to get the storyline moving) that it couldn't bear to be written down.

"Now fools…you shall help me find the only thing that can return me to human form," said Ka'aewu. "You must find me one of the lost, sacred tomes that are scattered across the land. Unless you want to suffer my wrath again, you must find me _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne_."

"The Tome of Insanity…" said Ziggy. "I heard stories of such a tome when I vas but a boy…"

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"ALRIGHT ZIGFRIED!" yelled Zigfried's Mom, who had a tiny, pink haired, bubble eyed girly boy on her huge, muscular lap. She seemed to be built like that of an Amazon Woman, with huge, bulging muscles, a square, masculine face, and hair that was pulled back in a wicked tight bun. "I'M GOING TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING I LEARNED FROM MY EDUCATIONAL YEARS IN THE SCHOOL OF ADVANCED GORMET COOKING AND SHOTPUTTING!"

"Ja Mutti," said Ziggy.

"SHUT UP!" screamed his Mom. "Now, NUMBER ONE! NEVER, and I mean _NEVER _EAT THE FRUIT THAT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MAMA DIDN'T GIVE IT ANY LOVE!"

"Ja Mutti," said Ziggy.

"I SAID SHUT UP PIPSQUEEK!" screamed the…woman? "Now…NUMBER TWO! ALWAYS MAKE SURE NO ONES LOOKING _BEFORE _YOU PEE IN THE BUSHES! AND I SAID **SHUT UP!**"

"But I didn't say any-" Ziggy started, before his mom socked him a good one, turning his face into a huge, red, swollen mass.

"AND LAST, BUT BY FAR THE LEAST, IF YOU ARE EVER GOING TO UNLEASH HOLY TERROR AND SCARE THE LIVING GOD OUT OF EVERYONE, USE _LE TOMENIA D'EINSANIARNE_! IT'S FLIPPIN' CREEPY!"

"Don't hit meeee…" said Ziggy, covering up his already beaten up face.

"SHUT UP WHIMP!" yelled the woman. "NOW WE'RE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT…**THE STOCK MARKET!**"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

---ooo---

"Mutti…" said Ziggy, with tears in his eyes.

"Uh…yeah," said Dartz. "Fine, if you promise not to do that again, we'll help you find this stupid book. Where the heck is it anyway?"

"No one knows the exact location of the tome…" said Ka'aewu, pulling a small, hand-held, ancient looking object with mystical scroll written across it. "However, to aid you on your quest to seek this unholy, ancient relic, I henceforth commission you this!"

"It's an iPod," Dartz said.

"Not _just_ an iPod," sad Ka'aewu. "This iPod was created at the exact same time as _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne_. It has the ability to detect mystical impulses…and it can store up to eight thousand minutes. However, be warned. Since this two is a creation of insanity, only the insane can wield it successfully. Like you people have any problems."

"OH! ZEY HAFF HARVEY DANGER!" yelled Ziggy, flipping it on.

"The songs shall grow increasingly bad as you get closer to the tome," said Ka'aewu. "Find the tome and bring it to me, and I promise I shall not do the repulsive thing again…and return your employees, not like you care."

"Hey, where are they anyway?" asked Dartz, as Peggy bugged Ziggy for the iPod.

"They're in a place that has the potential and the capacity to warp their minds forever," said Ka'aewu. "It is a place where people go…but they come back neither with their sense of reason, nor clean undergarments…"

---ooo---

_Alister…Alister…the world needs you…get up Alister…if you don't get up…if you don't…if…_

"What…are you…Mikey…" asked Alister, his face towards the sky, as his eyes opened, to reveal the sun shining above him. "No…it's not…a lie…"

_Alister…_

"WHY THE HECK ARE YOU WEARING A BUNNY SUIT?" yelled Raffy, walking up to him, blocking his view of the sun.

"AM-" Alister started, before a flock of birds came out of nowhere, and began to viciously peck his face, as he got up from where he landed, and ran around screaming in all directions.

Where the group of morons had landed was what appeared to be at first sight a scene from a Disney Movie. It was very pretty, with sparkly music being played in the background, as a bunch of bubble eyed cartoon animals, like mice and birds, bobbled around, one particularly large mob of them trying to kill Alister.

"No…we're not in dub-land, are we?" asked Raphael in horror, no one having the heart to tell him that instead of his usual combat boots, he was wearing huge, purple pumps.

"DON'T BE STUPID, STUPID!" yelled a huge, muscular, army looking person behind him, belting him with a soft, pink throw pillow. "YOU'RE IN RANDOMLAND! THE PLACE WHERE NOTHING MAKES SENSE!"

"Except you," said Raffy.

"GOOD POINT!" yelled the commander, who turned into a penguin in a tutu right before Raffy's eyes with a _pop_, spinning prettily away.

"Uh…" said Raffy.

"HEY RAFFY! CHECK IT OUT!" screamed Valon, who, magically, was no longer a girl, but a greasy, stupid little Auzzie, dragging in what looked like his counterpart from twenty thousand years ago. He was drooling, wearing a loincloth made of leopard skins, and he had a huge club with a nail in him. "I found a puppy!"

"He's utterly repulsive," said Raffy, as Alister ran by again screaming as the little cartoon birds continued to claw at his face, and the primitive Valon began to pick through Valon's hair for bugs, causing Valon to giggle insanely.

"Yeah…it's too bad we're lost and alone in a strange dimension with no way home, no resources, and no clue on how the laws of physics operate on this plane of reality!" said Valon. "BUT THAT'S OKAY! I'VE GOT A SHINY ROCK!"

"What?" yelled Alister, as all the birds suddenly died simultaneously, falling on the ground like limp, little, feathery rocks. "There's no way out? WE'RE STUCK HERE!"

"Looks like," said Raffy, as Alister tried to pull off his bunny suit, revealing a black, one-piece, girl's swimsuit underneath. "I _told _you to leave the portal alone!"

"We did leave it alone! It sucked us in!" yelled Alister, pulling of the bathing suit to reveal a spacesuit.

"AH HA! I THINK I'LL NAME YOU KEVIN!" yelled Valon happily, as the Neanderthal Valon beat him repeatedly with his huge club.

"Hey big boy," said a tall, extremely attractive woman, carrying a silver platter over to Valon, who was still getting beaten up by the newly dubbed 'Kevin'with a single, pink frosted little cupcake on it. "Wanna cupcake?"

"DON'T VALON! IT'S A TRAP!" yelled Raffy.

"HE'S ONE THE GRAND PRIZE!" screamed a game show voice from somewhere. "Daphnia, show him what it is!"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

PAM!

Raffy was then sent to the ground by our favorite insane red-head, catipaulting out of the sky, and landing right on top of Raffy.

"FINALLY! I FOUND A PINEAPPLE!" she screamed on top of poor Raffy's beaten up body, as the pineapple suddenly sprouted wings and flew away. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ow…" said Raffy.

"Who the heck are you?" said Alister, as all the outfits that he took off lay in droopy piles on all sides of him, including a newly added poncho, flippers, a cowboy outfit, and a cocktail dress.

"I'm Bianca, and all my friends say my best quality is that I tend to shut up when I'm asleep!" said Bianca, as all the dead birds suddenly turned into pineapples. "AWESOME! THERE'S SOME MORE OF THEM!"

"Wait, hang on," said Raffy, as Bianca rushed over to the pinapples, stuffing several in her shirt for safekeeping. "What are you doing here?"

"Something went bloop-bloop," said Bianca, stuffing a pineapple in her mouth.

"That's specific," said Raffy, as an anvil landed on his head.

"Hello everyone," said Valon, suddenly walking up to the group wearing a blazer and a monocle, sipping a cup of tea. "Simply smashing day for a cuppa, wot?"

"Eh?" said Alister, now wearing nothing but boxers.

"DID YOU SAY PINEAPPLES?" asked Valon, suddenly back to normal in his usual outfit.

"Oh, well if you wanna go home or whatever, Random Town's that way!" said Bianca, pointing down the road.

"Good," said Raffy, who threw off the anvil, which was thankfully made of Styrofoam. "Now we can-"

BAM!

He got crushed by another one…made of iron.

---ooo---

"You know, this is the stupidest thing we've done yet," said Dartz, as he and the other two just walked right down the road from the school. "Stupid rabbit. Stupid iPod. Stupid morons."

"WAIT! It's switched to Tom Jones!" cried Pegasus. "We're on the right trail…"

---ooo---

Next time…MORE RANDOMNESS! And lets see if the idiot three can possibly handle the new owner of _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne_! See ya!


	25. The Sanity Pixie

Guh…dizzy…

Minor apology. The whole 'outsmarted by a five-year-old' thing will be explained in this chapter. I didn't have time in the last one (I was in a rush…again…)

Anyway, HUWAY! Welcome back to 'Tribute to the Lost Characters' part two! Enjoy the madness!

**Chapter Twenty Five**

**THE SANITY PIXIE**

_In which Pegasus (kinda) gets hit by a car_

"Alright…alright…we've moved from 'The Pougues' to 'Jimmy Lobster's All-Fanboy Band…we're close…" said Pegasus, walking down a small town in the suburbs of Domino City.

"This looks like a pretty bizarre place for a tome of ultimate insanity to be hidden," said Dartz, looking all around the white-painted houses, little gardens on the front lawn, and kids trying to run each other over with bikes and skateboards.

"HEY! STREET PERFORMERS!" screamed one kid, pointing at the three.

"SHUT UP YOU BRATZ!" yelled Ziggy.

"Still…something about this place is wrong…" said Dartz. "It just feels too…normal…"

"I know…no weaponz in sight…or crossdressers…or anything like that…" said Ziggy. "I feel so out of place."

"OH MY GOD! NO! NOT LONESTAR!" screamed Pegasus, ripping off the headphones and gasping in horror. "This is the house! This is where _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne _is!"

He pointed to an especially normal looking house on the suburbs, the only difference was that this one had a wind chime on the porch that whenever the wind blew through it, it sounded like it was chiming a 'Ben Folds Five' song.

"Be careful men," said Dartz. "I've delt with insanity before, and the most insane places are guarded with facades of normal! Be on your toes…for all we know, when we ring that doorbell, a homicidal sponge may jump out and go for our jugulars!"

"Sweet!" said Ziggy, eagerly bouncing up the stairs and punching the doorbell, causing it to be dented so badly on impact, that it fell of the wall.

"Idiot…" said Dartz.

From behind the door, the sound of feet was heard scurrying toward it, and slowly, with a creak, the door opened to reveal a little, five-year-old girl with huge, bubbly green-blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair tied up in pigtails, and a little pink jumper opened up the door.

"Coow! Stweet pwefowmahs!" she said.

"HAND OVER _LE TOMENIA D'EINSANIARNE_ ENVOY OF INZANITY!" yelled Ziggy.

"MEAN STWEET PWEFOWMAH!" screamed the little girl, slamming the door in Pegasus's face.

"Way to go," sad Dartz, knocking on the door again.

"Go away you fweeks!" yelled the little girl's voice from behind the door.

"Look, we don't want any trouble little girl…" said Dartz, in a sickeningly sweet tone. "Do you know what _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne _is?"

"I SAID BEAT IT!" yelled the little girl.

"Look, we just want _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne,_ and then we'll be on our way," said Dartz. "Come on sweetie…we're not gonna hurt you…"

"Yeah wight!" said the girl from behind the door. "Wissen paw, I'd hafta be monumentwally shtupid to faww foh dat one!"

"That's a general turn down Dartz," said Peggy.

"We just want the tome!" said Dartz.

"I SAID GET LOST! OW I'WW CALL DA COPS!" said the girl.

"I think I'm starting to see the bit of difficulty in getting this plan to work," said Pegasus.

"You have a better idea?" asked Dartz.

"I do," said Pegasus. "Hey little girl! I've got candy!"

"GO DIE IN A DITCH!" she yelled.

"Well, that's all I got!" said Pegasus.

"You are an absolute moron," said Dartz. "Okay…just give me a minute to think this through awhile…"

---ooo---

_Meanwhile in Randomland…_

"Okay…I swear that's the third time I've seen that nuclear warhead," said Raffy, as they passed by a random weapons asylum on their way to random town. "Guy's we've been going around in circles."

"OH! LOOK! FOOTPRINTS!" yelled Bianca, excitedly pointing at the ground. "Let's follow them!"

"You moron! Those are _our _footprints!" said Alister. "Raffy's right. We have been going around in circles?"

"GIRLY MAN! HELP! MY HEAD TURNED INTO A FISH!" yelled Valon, who's head had, indeed, turned into a fish.

"Well it stinks to be your, moron!" yelled Alister, as 'Kevin' banged Valon on the head with his club, instantly restoring him back to normal.

"KEVIN! YOU MADE ME NORMAL AGAIN…I THINK I LOVE YOU!" yelled Valon.

"Ew," said Alister, as, after going around in a full circle, Bianca was right back where the other three were.

"HEY! YOU GUYS CAUGHT UP!" she said.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS PLACE MUCH LONGER!" yelled Alister. "If I have to be immersed in this sanity for much longer, I swear, I'm going to die! AAAAAAAAH!"

He ran around, screaming at the top of his lungs, tugging at his girly red hair.

"Oh man, Alister's having another nervous breakdown…dang," said Raffy. "Oh well, can I hit him this time?"

Suddenly, with a poof, another teen appeared, this one was tall and thin like the others, but he had short, flyaway auburn-brown hair, really ticked off looking green-brown eyes, and pair of glue-on wings and a wand with a star at the end.

"Alright, enough of this stupidity," he said. "My name is Akiro the Sanity Pixie…whee."

"Wait, what's a _sane_ thing doing here?" asked Raffy.

"I'm sort of the thing that keeps everything random," said Akiro. "You see, without something sane and not random, everything's just kind of random and insane, so in essence, insanity can't exist, because _everything's _insane, so that makes everything normal."

Silence.

"HUH?" screamed Bianca and Valon.

"Look, I'm not a bloody physics teacher, I'm a guide through this stupid dimension," said Akiro. "Now either you can cooperate and get out of here, or you can split hairs and let me leave you for emotional problem boy over there to rip you all to bits."

"I'M GONNA BEAT YOU ALL TO A BLOODY PULP!" screamed an angry looking, wicked-buff seventeen year old, wearing a shirt that said 'Emotional Problem Boy', and lugging around a huge club.

"We'll take cooperation," said Raffy.

"Good. Great. Wonderful. Ya-hoo," said Akiro, almost sarcastically. "Now then, there's only one way to get to random town, and it's usually by a random method. So we just have to find that method."

"That sounds, oh, I don't know, IMPOSSBLE!" yelled Alister.

"Nothing's impossible in Randomland," said Akiro. "Our moto is 'Your worst case scenario list is our to-do list'."

"How does that relate to anything?" asked Raffy.

"In no way, I just like freaking you people out," said Akiro. "None of you are secretly Italian, right?"

"I am," said Raffy.

"SHH!" screamed Alister and Valon.

"Alright…now what's the first thing that pops into your head when I hold up this card?" asked Akiro, holding up a blank, white card.

"BANANA!" said Bianca automatically.

"Then that means the way of teleportation to Randomtown is most likely via a banana," said Akiro. "Now go on, find it."

"Fine. Whatever," said Raffy, as the four began the search.

---ooo---

"This is soooo not going to work," said Pegasus.

"You have any better ideas?" asked Dartz.

"I'm sure whatever I think of is more likely to succeed," said Ziggy.

"Shut up you stupid kraut," said Dartz. "Just ring the doorbell!"

And so Ziggy did.

"Yes?" said the little girl, opening the door.

"GIVE US THE TOME ENVOY OF-" Ziggy started.

"SHUSH!" screamed Dartz, clamping a white-glove covered hand over Ziggy's mouth, as the three were now dressed in way-too-small white shirts, green dresses, and little buckle up black shoes. "Hello! We're girl scouts! Want to buy some cookies?"

"No tank you," said the girl.

"It's for a good cause!" said Pegasus. "We're raising money to cure stupidity!"

"Shtupidity is an hemotional qwawity, derfowe not a disease," said the little girl.

"Oh, as if some confused passerby knows anything about stupidity!" cried Pegasus. "Do you know just how many people are out their, writhing in hospital beds, or on the cold, hard ground in developing nations, begging for medical assistance, as we desperately try to scramble enough money to cure it!"

"Shtupidity ish not a disease you shtupid cwoss dwessahs!" said the little girl.

"IS THIS HOW JADED OUR SOCIETY IS?" screamed a forlorn Pegasus.

"Can…we at least go into the house?" asked Dartz.

"Why?" asked the little girl.

"To ransack the place," said Ziggy.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Dartz. "Of course we're not going to ransack the place….ha…we're just…uh, we want a glass of water!"

"Go dwink fwom da hose!" said the little girl.

"That's unsanitary!" cried Pegasus.

"But I though you said that we got to go in, viciously stuff the little girl into the closet, and then go on a mad spree to try to-" Ziggy started.

"WOULD YOU BOTH SHUT UP!" yelled Dartz in a very un-feminine tone.

"DIE WOOSAHS!" said the little girl, slamming the door on the two.

"I wanted to ransack the house!" said Ziggy, as Dartz violently slapped him, and Pegasus stuffed the hose in his mouth, turning on the faucet.

---ooo---

"Alright, did you losers have any luck?" asked Akiro, still sitting in the tree.

"It would be nice if you helped us out a little bit!" said Alister, trying to find the zipper to the cow suit that he was now stuck in.

"Hey! Look guys! Kevin's trying to beat me into a coma!" yelled Valon happily, as caveman-Valon-counterpart, was once again, attempting to bludgeon Valon.

"I couldn't find any traces of fruit anywhere!" said Raffy, pulling out a cardboard cutout of Madonna. "All I found was this…funny, it used to be a rock."

"What did you find?" asked Akiro to Bianca. With that, she waved her hands mystically in front of him, and with a goofy smile, she stuffed her hand behind Raffy's head, pulling out a banana.

"TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she said in a sing-song voice.

"Wonderful Pen and Teller," said Akiro. "Alright, just unpeel the banana then."

With that, Bianca ripped off the peel with one tug, and the instant she did, the scene switched from Random Forest into Randomtown! Yes, Randomtown (population 46292.814621), a place of progress, happiness…and pretty much everything else.

"IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!" said Valon, who then got hit by ten trucks.

"This is the most random town in our dimension," said Akiro, as the streets twisted and turned in very odd directions, and the people who walked down the road varied a great deal, from Indians to live underwear, from speedboats to ducks, from corn to people disguised as penguins. "You see, the city is built on top of ancient ruins, ones that are said to hone the core of the Purest Randomness. It's potent stuff…no one can possibly come in contact with it, and come back bearing all their undergarments."

"Great," said Alister. "SO HOW THE HECK IS THAT GOING TO HELP US?"

"Well, the entire town is ruled over by a wise old king," said Akiro. "Only he has the power to bend randomness to his will, because he holds the soul secrets to the random, the weird, and the isane."

"And where does he live?" asked Raffy, as Valon managed to get up from the place where he got run over by the cars, just in time for a stampede right through the center.

"No one knows," said Akiro, suddenly with a leprechaun hat on his head, causing him to rip it off angrily. "OH CRIPES! I hate it when that happens!"

"So we have to search out the whole town just to find him?" asked Alister, who was now wearing a blonde wig.

"Not necessarily," said Akiro, as Alister angrily ripped the wig off, causing the flock of cartoon birds to start chasing him again. "It is said that in the town there is an insane old woman whose senses are so sharp, she can predict exactly where random things are occurring. Perhaps she can direct us to the king."

"And where does she reside?" asked Raffy.

"We don't know that either," said Akiro, as Alister ran by, and Bianca tripped him, causing all the birds to turn into anvils, and drop right on top of Alister.

"Wonderful…" said Raffy.

---ooo---

"Okay, regroup," said Dartz. "Clearly now, we are dealing with a five-year-old sent from the gods of the underworld, one that is wise to such common schemes as disguise. We need to think _beyond_ the mind of a five-year-old, maybe even a seven-year-old!"

"That sounds hard!" said Ziggy.

"Maybe for you, stupid German clot," said Dartz. "Okay…we've tried threats, disguise, and coaxing. Any ideas?"

"WE'LL BOMB THE HOUSE FLAT!" screamed Ziggy.

"Something is K?" asked Dartz.

"BOMB IT!" said Ziggy.

"Okay…got any ideas Uncle Pegasus?" asked Dartz.

"This reminds me of that romance novel I once read!" said Pegasus. "It was when Brittany had finally confessed to Justin, despite the fact that he was already dating someone, ten other women, and four guys! He then got hit by a truck, and Brittany gave him mouth to mouth to save his life! But then her father finds out that she's dating a guy who's dating fifteen other people and…wait! No it doesn't! Sorry!"

Silence.

"I envy that five-year-old…I really do…" said Dartz. "Wait! I just had a plan! One that is both constructive and _wildly_ amusing for me!"

---ooo---

"Hewwo magic pony…" said the little girl, playing with her Baribie's on the kitchen table, as well as all of her 'My Little Ponies'. "It's such a lovely day isn't? Why, yes it is Mrs.-"

SCREEEEEEEEEEBANG! CLAKAclakaclakakakaaaaaaaaa….

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"What waz dat?" she said, immediately dropping all of her toys and rushing to the door. She opened the wooden door behind the screen, giving her a view of what was going on. On the street, she saw Pegasus writhing in pain, grabbing his side, his face screwed in horror.

"Ah…it got me…I'm hit…I'M HIT!" he screamed. "OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE!"

"Shomone hit da crazy lady!" said the girl in horror, opening the screen door and running toward the street. "SWEET! I wondah how much money's on her…"

"It's working!" said Dartz, as he saw the little girl race down the porch. "Quick! Get in before she figures out what she's done!"

As soon as the little girl's back was to the door, the two quickly scampered up the porch stairs and into the house, giggling like naughty children. The girl, meanwhile, knelt right by Pegasus's side, and eagerly began digging through his pockets.

"It was awful…" screamed Pegasus. "It came right out of nowhere…it can't have been an accident…it can't have…"

"Darn it, where did you put da shtupid wawwet?" asked the little girl, continuing to fish through his pockets.

"No…I can't go now…I need more time…there are so many things…" said Pegasus.

"AH! NOW WE'HE TAWKIN!" said the little girl, pulling out his wallet.

"NO! Tell my mother…I'm sorry…" said Pegasus. "ROSEBUD!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"TEETH! NO! BAD-AAAAAAAAARG!"

With that, Dartz and Ziggy both ran screaming out of the house, as two massive, muscular, drooling, not-nice looking pit bulls were barking madly at them, teeth bared, saliva dripping down their chops, barking angrily, and apparently leaving bite marks on the two in some very uncomfortable places.

"HA! SHTUPID WOMEN!" yelled the little girl, as the pit bulls continued to chase the two all the way down the road, and the little girl just casually skipped back inside, chuckling and counting the money in Pegasus's wallet, as he continued to lament on the public street.

---ooo---

"There's no way we're going to find anyone in this mess!" Alister yelled angrily, as insanity continued to reign supreme throughout the town.

"Can't you just do the banana thing again!" asked Bianca to Akiro.

"No, that only works once, unfortunately," said Akiro, as Valon was drooling next to a 'Victoria's Secret' window, while Kevin was suddenly fascinated with a little bug crawling on the sidewalk, which turned into an Alosaurus and bit his head.

"There's gotta be something we can do!" said Bianca chipperly.

"Hey, why don't we try that tavern that says 'Shady Bar Full of Shady People Who Often Provide Information to Random People'?" said Raffy, pointing to the tavern that had random graffiti drawn all over it.

"Worth a shot," said Akiro, as Raffy walked in, followed by Alister, Bianca, and Akiro. Valon continued to drool in the window, and Kevin, after the Alosaurus changed back into a beetle, began to chew on his own foot.

The tavern was a rather run down one, which was filled with people who were also incredibly run down. They all looked quite saggy, the saddest of the saddest lot of the random and insane, long past their random phase, now fallen into something that one would halfway consider predictable…but not quite.

"Alright mizz," said the bartender, cleaning off the blood from a large teddy bear. "Can Oi get yew started with a bang onna' 'ed?"

"BANG ON THE HEAD! BANG ON THE HEAD!" Bianca cheered, as she got clocked by a huge mallet the bartender pulled out.

"ALRIGHT!" yelled Raffy. "We're looking for someone who knows the location of the King of Randomtown! Does anyone know?"

"OH! OH! I DO! I DO! ME!" screamed some guy wearing a pink midriff, waving his hand wildly.

"Okay, where is he?" asked Raffy.

"HA…I don't know…" said the guy. "Can I have my hug now?"

"I know where he resides…" said a cackly old voice from the corner of the room. When the quad squad turned around to see who it was, their eyes fell on a tiny old lady, her hair in a long braid that spun all around her on the floor. She was wearing a long, black cape, but from under the hood, you could see two eyes alight between the wrinkles on her face.

"Please ma'am," said Raffy, rushing up to her, kneeling down to the spot where she sat on the floor, "tell us where he lives."

"I took him to the prom actually," said the old woman, sipping her brew from the cup that she held. "Course I needed to get him pretty drunk to take him…since I'm so old and all…"

"Please, you don't understand," said Raffy. "We came from another dimension and-"

"Boy, was it a wild night!" said the old woman. "Whoa…I think I still have that photo of him wearing the bra somewhere…"

"Tell us where he is right now you old hag!" said Bianca sweetly.

"SUCH A NICE GIRL!" said the old woman. "Okay…the location of the king is…"

---ooo---

Next time…A LOT OF RANDOMNESS! And outwitting attempts! And…I dunno! It'll be good though! Really!


	26. I Ate a Sock This Morning

Bang on the head: Apply here.

Sorry for the massive delay…as usual. It wasn't due to a hecktic schedule or some other grand, dire need that got in the way…no, this was one hundred percent laziness (and some writers block). However, the final part of the arch is finally here! Free cake and ice cream? No. Lots of random insanity that makes no sense? Yes. Was it worth the wait? Uh…we'll leave that to your imagination.

Okay, part three of the 'Lost' Character Arch!

**Chapter Twenty Six**

**I ATE A SOCK THIS MORNING**

_In which we Smith fails to get Johnson's Phone Number_

"There it is gentlemen," said the old woman to the gang, as Valon and Kevin just got back from Victoria's secret, happily skipping and toting little pink bags with the logo on it. "This is Mount Random...a trial among trials in itself…"

"Figures," said Akiro, looking at the huge, towering mountain.

"Oh yes," said the cackly old women. "To get to the top, you need to maneuver against such horrible things as giant, blood sucking sponges, homicidal turkeys, key lime jello, men with strange fixations of other men, and various random things that may look harmless on the outside, but turn around and bite you in uncomfortable places!"

"Scary," said Raffy flatly.

"And if you clime that mountain, you will _not _get to the king of randomness!" said the old lady, as the others in the gang sweatdropped. "It is on one of the thousand hills of fourteen and a half pointy things!"

"How do we know which one the king's living at?" asked Bianca.

"We use this!" said the crinkly old woman dramatically, pulling out a hunk of glazed ham.

"Of course. Something that makes absolutely no sense," said Akiro. "Now _why _didn't I see it coming?"

"NO FOOL!" said the old woman, kneeing Akiro in a spot that's very uncomfortable to be kneed in (especially if you are a man). "This is a magic ham! If it turns into something other than common meat, it means that somehow, somewhere, we are in the presence of the great king of randomness himself!"

"I hate you all…" said Akiro in a very high pitched voice, falling to the ground in pure pain.

"HAM!" screamed Bianca, bitting into it, getting electrocuted the second her teeth made contact with the flesh of the meat, while Valon pulled out a pair of ladies underwear from his bag that had frilly, lacy polka-dots all over it.

"That makes no sense," said Alister, now wearing a police officer's uniform. "AND IS THERE ANYWAY YOU CAN PREVENT ME FROM POPPING UP IN THESE STUPID OUTFITS?"

"Well…I know one spell in my arsenal that just may do the trick," said the cackly old women, kneeling on the ground, her hands clasped together. "_Merciful gods in the heavens, vile daemons that lurk in the undershadows, lend me the power to free this youthful maiden-"_

"GUY!" yelled Alister angrily, now in a one-piece swimsuit and an inner tube.

"_-maiden from the unearthly powers that dress one in silly clothing…_" said the old woman. "_Nasar…maestaria…_"

With that, from the sky, a bunch of clouds slowly began to part in the sky, as small streaks of sunlight peaked through them, gradually gathering around Alister's form, and with that, a chorus of voices from some greater power began to sing, weak at first, then with growing strength and intensity. Without any wind in the air, a few strands of Alister's hair began to flutter in the breeze, and suddenly, with a great, high, extened note from the supernatural chorus, a huge column of light descended upon Alister, completely swallowing him in the majesty around him.

"ALISTER!" Raffy yelled, as the wind from the impact nearly threw him back.

"It's so pretty…" said Bianca.

"IT FITS ON MY HEAD!" said Valon triumphantly, somehow having stretched the ladies underwear over his head, so that the legholes turned into eyeholes.

Slowly, every so slowly, the column of light thinned, revealing Alister…totally nude.

"AAAAAAAH!" shrieked Alister, trying to cover himself up.

"What do you know! It worked!" said the old woman, as Bianca pulled out a disposable camera and took a few pictures.

"I SHOULD FREAKIN' SAY!" yelled Alister angrily, snatching the pair of underwear off of Valon's head, and quickly putting them, figuring the indignity of wearing women's underwear wasn't as bad as that of wearing nothing at all in front of two women. "Do any of you have some outfits I could borrow?"

Everyone shook their heads no.

"WELL THEN ALL OF YOU CAN JUST GO AND ROT!" yelled Alister angrily.

---ooo---

"I have officially decided that we are not dealing with a five-year-old," said Dartz to the other crew, as all four crouched behind a bunch of bushes, watching the little girl watering the flowers outside of her house with a pink gardening can. "We are dealing with one of Satan's personal servants…"

"One with very good dress sense," said Pegasus.

"Shut up Uncle," said Dartz angrily. "Ordinary trickery isn't going to work on her. The only way we can possibly hope to defeat her is to infiltrate her personal lair, and defeat her from the inside out, and right under her nose!"

"You mean…we're going…_inside_ the house?" asked Ziggy.

"That's _exactly_ what I mean," said Dartz. "It's our only other option. We have no other choice."

"But we nearly got killed by her pit bulls!" yelled Ziggy in terror. "What other horrible creatures can she possibly house in that pit that she calls her home?"

"Look, if we don't get the tome then that crazy rabbit will do…_it _again," said Dartz. "Besides, she expects that the way that we're going to get into her house is through the front or back door!"

"So what?" asked Pegasus.

"_So _we sneak in through the basement!" said Dartz. "Pegasus, can you break through the basement window so we can get in?"

"NO! That would be uninspiring!" said Pegasus. "Whatever I do…I DO IT SO THAT I CAN MOVE THE HEARTS AND SOULS OF MILLIONS!"

---ooo---

"What?" asked some kid, watching some 'Doom Bikers' episodes. "Pegasus is still alive?"

"Whatever," said another.

--ooo---

"Well…fine," said Dartz. "Ziggy…it's up to you…"

"RIGHT!" said Ziggy, banging his head in salute. With that, he pulled out a chainsaw, pepper spray, a megaphone, and a squirrel, and humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme song in a very loud and very annoying voice, he slithered on his stomach all the way to the basement window.

When he made it to the wall, he was about ten feet away from the actual window, and he threw himself flat on his back against the wall, looking in all directions. With that, he took a long, cautious, but quick step toward the basement window. And then another. And another.

Then, when he finally made it to the window, he pressed his ears against the glass, banged it a couple times in various places on it, muttering to himself in bizarre, German dribble occasionally. With that, he took the chainsaw, pepper spray, megaphone, and squirrel-

-and chucked them all at a kid passing by on her bike, causing her to fall off into the road, where she was then hit by a truck.

"What the heck is he doing?" asked Dartz, as Ziggy pulled out a tuning fork, hummed a couple notes to get in tune and-

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

He did an incredibly loud, incredibly high-pitched opera voice that caused birds to flea from the trees, cats to howl in horror, everyone in a three mile radius to buckle over, covering their ears, car alarms to go off, and, with a small, but increasing size crack, completely spit through the glass window that lead to the basement.

"DONE!" said Ziggy, giving them a thumbs up.

"Way to go," said Dartz, as he and Pegasus undrammatically walked over to the broken window, all ready to begin the infernal journey to the center of the house of horrors, as an angry mob slowly began to form outside…

---ooo---

"No…" said the old woman, the detection ham turning into chicken. "We're not there yet…no…cold…"

"STOP SNICKERING!" yelled Alister angrily, still wearing nothing but the polka dot, lacy women's underwear.

"You know, Tish always said that I had the brain of an underwear model!" said Bianca. "It feels so cool that I actually get to meet one!"

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID GIRL!" said Alister.

"I'm not stupid!" said Bianca. "I'm…uh…BIANCA!"

"Whee," said Alister dully.

"KEVIN! I LOVE YOU!" screamed Valon giving his caveman counterpart a huge hug, Kevin responding by biting into his neck.

"There they are sir," said a soldiery looking guy through binoculars. "It's the gang that we got tipped off on!"

"BLAST!" said the general. "What are they? What the heck are they?"

"I can't tell sir," said the cadet, continuing to look at the group through binoculars. "I don't think they're from around here sir."

"FOREIGNERS!" screamed the general. "I HATE FOREIGNERS! HATE EM! HATE! What the heck is wrong with foreigners? I mean come on! Our way of living not good enough for them? 'Ooh la la, look at our lovely cultural' WHATEVER! AS THEY JABBER ON, THOSE STUPID, TROUBLE CAUSING-"

"No sir, I mean they're not from this dimension," said the cadet. "OH MY GOD! THEIR SANE! Well, sorta."

"SANE PEOPLE!" screamed the general. "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! Bomb them! Bomb them flat! I want every man to be armed to the teeth! I want two, no THREE tactical nuclear missiles for every man! I want every single atom on that ground to be smashed until it's nothing more than pulp! I want-"

"Shouldn't we try to make peace with them first?" asked another cadet.

Everyone fell silent.

"WHO THE HECK HIRED THAT KID?" yelled the general. "YOU! ARNOLD! GO OVER THERE AND KINDLY TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO BE BLOWN UP!"

"But won't you blow me up?" asked Arnold.

"SELFISH!" yelled the general.

"What if they don't speak English sir?" asked another soldier.

"WELL WHAT LANGUAGE DO SANE PEOPLE USUALLY SPEAK PRIVATE?" asked the general.

Silence.

"I don't know," said the soldier.

"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE SANE PEOPLE SPEAK!" asked the general.

"Hang on, let me look it up," said one of the soldiers, pulling out an encyclopedia.

---ooo---

_Several attempts at trying to read the English language later_

"BLOODY BOOKS!" screamed the general, using his bayonet to repeatedly stab the encyclopedia. "WHAT IS THIS STUPID _ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANICA _VOMIT ANYWAY? If it was any good, they'd turn it into a movie, BEEP it!"

"Sir?" asked one of the privates.

"SHUT UP!" screamed the general. "I can see that my vast amount of intelligence is wasted on these pathetic books! NOW THEN! Some one hast to know what language sane people speak!"

Silence.

"COME ON! COME ON! I'M SURE THEY TAUGHT YOU THIS IN SCHOOL!" yelled the general.

"We didn't pay attention in school!" yelled another private. "Cripes, why do you think we're in the military?"

"I DON'T NEED YOUR ATTITUDE SON!" yelled the general.

"Sir?" said another soldier. "You're sprouting wings…"

"SHUT UP!" yelled the general, as two, poofy, white, feathery wings began to stick out of his back.

"Wait…I think they speak…ITALIAN!" yelled some guy.

"Good job man!" yelled the general, as the wings turned a little poofier and pink. "NOW THEN! Who here knows how to speak Italian?"

"Smith said he knew sir!" said a soldier.

"SMITH! Do you speak Italian?" asked the general.

"No sir," said Smith. "I lied so that I could highten my own social status in the rank, and because I wanted to get Johnson's phone number."

"It didn't work," said Johnson, another soldier.

"SHUT UP!" said the general. "YOU! Smith! Go out there and speak Italian to the sane losers!"

---ooo---

"AH! OH MY GOD!" screamed Ziggy in terror. "I'VE GONE BLIND! BLIND! BLI-"

Click.

Dartz turned on the light.

"Oh…no I'm-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ziggy.

For indeed the basement of the little girl was one of many terrors. Scattered all around were various horrors, like blueprints of giant, man-eating robots plastured on the walls, detailed plans for conquering the world scattered across the ground, maps of various military bases strewn all over the place, various weapons, and a huge cage of snarling, braying, spit-spitting hounds.

"Whoa…this kid's got issues…" said Dartz.

"Well, she probably wants the tome so that she can use it's power to take over the world!" said Pegasus. "POOR SOUL! I must emotionally heal her!"

"DON'T YOU DARE PLATINUM BOY!" yelled Dartz. "We just want to find the tome and get out of here! I've had enough insanity to last me another ten thousand years, dangit!"

"Hello…"

The three turned to se where the voice was coming from, and in a cage right next to the cage full of baying hounds, there stood our favorite…something, Joku, staring at the three through the bars.

"Uh…hi?" asked Dartz.

"I'm Joku," Joku said in his usual monotone.

"Joku then…" said Dartz. "What are you doing here Joku."

"And my last name's Zokida," said Joku.

"That's great," said Dartz. "How did you get down here? Did the little girl trap you here?"

"And my middle name's Julie," said Joku.

"Uh…" said Dartz.

"What a charming young man!" cried Ziggy. "Surely, you aren't the great mind who wrote the book I have been worshiping for years, Stuff About Me That People Don't Really Want to Know?"

"I like ice cream that's been on the sidewalk," said Joku.

"YOU ARE!" screeched Ziggy with joy.

"Whoopie…" said Dartz. "Joku, we need your help. We're trying to find a mystical book of ancient wisdom called _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne_. If we don't, and it falls into the wrong hands, very bad things will happen. Can you tell us where it is?"

"My mom says I look hot in pink…I have eighteen twin sisters…my dad is madly in love with a duck…" droned Joku on.

"HE'S A GENIUS! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!" cried Ziggy in admiration, tears in his eyes.

"Look, we aren't here to fanboy over soulless oinks," said Dartz in frustration. "We need to find _Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne_!"

"TELL US MORE! TELL US MORE!" cried Pegasus and Ziggy, as Dartz screamed in frustration.

"I hate fabric softener…whenever I sit near peanuts for to long, I get a rash on my buttocks…it's going to rain any day now…" said Joku dully.

"HE'S SO AWESOME!" screamed Pegasus and Ziggy.

"So…I tawt I smewwed giwy men down hewah…"

The three girly men screamed in horror, the voice of the five-year-old girl already bearing the ability to weigh heavily in their hearts…heavily to make them want to wet their pants at the sight of her horrible form…

"Th-this isn't what it looks like!" screamed Dartz.

"SHUT UP!" said the little girl. "So you've discovahed my pwan to concweh da wowld by buying da Pwaysashun entapwise and distwibutin PS3s to evewee pewson in da wowad, making dem addicted to games and hacking up da pwices so dat I would eventuawy contwol dee entire deficit of da pwanets fwee mawket industwee…"

"Well we hadn't had got that far yet to be honest but now…" said Dartz.

"I'm supwised you got diss faw…" said the little girl. "Stiww…you must pay de pwise for discovewing dis secwet…"

"This is one of those 'if I tell you, I have to kill you' things, isn't it?" asked Pegasus sweetly.

"You hit da naiw on da head," said the little girl from the top of the basement stairs. "And I just towd you too!"

"I don't want to die!" yelled Pegasus.

"Oh yeah, as if dat's gonna stop me!" said the little girl. "Giwy men…it's time to die wike da dogs yew awah…"

Before they could say anything else, the girl snapped her fingers, and out of the blue, three, huge army men surrounded the three, as they found themselves feeling the unpleasant sensation of what men feel when they're staring down the barrel of ten guns.

"TAKE DEM TO DA LAWAN!" said the little girl, as the three were dragged up the stairs by the fully armed men, the sound of their pathetic pleas mingled with the sound of combat boots tromping up the stairs.

There was absolute silence in the basement for a moment.

"I'm Joku…" Joku said dully, to no one in particular.

---ooo---

"OH MY GOD! IT TURNED INTO A CABAGE!" screamed the old woman, meaning the detector meat, which was, now, indeed, a cabbage, as the other members of the team stopped in their tracks. "At last…we're here! Somewhere in this area, we are in the presense of the great and powerful king of insanity!"

"Yay…" said Akiro sarcastically.

"WE'RE GOING TO MEET A KING!" asked Valon. "SWEET!"

"Are you sure _none _of you have extra clothes?" asked Alister angrily, still wearing the lacy girls underwear.

"What the…" said Raffy, as a soldier approached them. "Uh…who are you?"

"_You have very nice butts_," said Smith the army dude, who was speaking Italian to the group, so they couldn't understand a word he was saying. "_We want to take you to a pasta bar. Crack open your skulls and suck out your brains. Take us to Madonna right now. I ate a sock this morning!_"

Everyone stared at him without a word.

"THERE NOT ANSWERING SIR!" screamed Smith into a walkie-talkie.

"THEN FIRE!" screamed the general through the other end.

"DIE SANE FREAKS!" yelled Smith, pulling out a large duck and throwing it at them, which exploded on contact. With a massive BOOM, the entire area that used to hold the players in the game of randomness were blown up with a cloud of smoke.

"WE GOT EM!" screamed Smith.

"BANGONNAHEAD!" yelled Bianca, as the cloud slowly cleared, revealing the gang to be absolutely fine.

"THE DUCK DIDN'T WORK SIR!" yelled Smith.

"DANGIT! TRY THE PASSION FRUIT!" yelled the general.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" yelled Smith, throwing the passion fruit at the gang, which merely bounced off them and did…nothing.

"NOW WHAT?" asked Smith into the walkie-talkie.

"I DON'T KNOW!" yelled the general. "GET IN THE BIG GUNS!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AGAIN!" said Smith, pulling out a super soaker.

"Look, we don't want any trouble," said Raffy. "We just want to see the king."

"THEIR ENEMIES OF THE KING!" yelled Smith into his walkie talkie.

"THEN WE'LL BOMB THEM FLAT!" yelled the general. "SMITH, PREPARE TO LAUNCH THE REALLY NASTY THING!"

"That's not what I meant…" said Raffy.

"HALT! HALT I SAY!"

With that, Smith dropped the walkie-talkie in sheer awe, his mouth gapped open wide at the person who was before him. With a great gasp that seemed to beg for forgiveness, he threw himself to the floor, his stomach on the ground, his arms far in front of him. He was throwing himself at the submissive mercy of the great king of randomness himself. Donned in formal gown, a crown perched on his kingly head, little poofy wings from his back, he was-

"IT'S THE FUNNY KID WHO GOT HIS ARM BROKEN BY TISH!" cried Bianca, pointing to…Fubuki?

"Yeah…whatshisname…Fubuki, right?" asked Alister.

"No loyal subjects!" cried the mad Fubuki-look-alike. "You must be confusing me with my identical twin brother Fubuki Tenjoin, plane-wandering celestial paladin of ultimate insanity!"

"HUBIDA WHAT?" asked Bianca.

"I am his identical twin brother…SMEG!" said, uh, 'Smeg'. "And I am the King of Randomland!"

Insert fanfare here.

"I can't believe we actually found him," said Alister. "There must be some catch…"

"ICE CREAM!" yelled Valon.

"Ah! My grand viser, Kevin!" cried Smeg, extending a friendly arm to Kevin. "Ah Kevin! How was your travels across Randomland?"

Kevin just licked his own hand.

"Kevin thanks you for escorting him back to the palace!" said Smeg happily. "For that, he wishes to give you all a wish…and I trust you would all like to go back to your dimension?"

"Yes, can you take us back please…and get me some decent clothes?" asked Alister.

"But you look hot in underwear…" said Smeg sadly.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Alister.

"Well…I must make your wish come true…" said Smeg, holding out a pipe cleaner. "Now all I need is for one of you to hold this pipe cleaner…"

"Uh…okay," said Raffy, taking hold of the pipe cleaner.

"Bye weirdo Akiro person and creepy old hag!" called Bianca.

"Yeah…sure…" said Akiro.

"Don't be a stranger hon…" said the old lady.

"KEVIN! I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!" screamed Valon.

"May the fates and fortunes be with your stead, Valon," said Kevin in a very diplomatic tone, followed by him grabbing his huge club and smashing Akiro on the head.

"Okay…now what?" asked Raffy.

"I SHOOT YOU WITH THE MYSTIC PLASMA CANNON!" yelled Smeg, suddenly next to a huge cannon, that was humming threateningly as it slowly powered up. "Sayonara!"

BOOM!

---ooo---

"You giwy men, awe hewebye chaweged wid twying too ovahtwow my new wowd owdah," said the little girl, as the three men stood in front of a fireing squad. "Do you have any wast wods befow youw get bwown up?"

"DYING IS EASY! MATH IS HARD!" yelled Pegasus.

Silence.

"Owkay…" said the girl awkwardly.

"ALL WE WANTED WAS THE BLOODY TOME!" yelled Dartz. "IS THAT SO **BEEPINY BEEP BEEP** MUCH TO ASK?"

"Sheesh, it's wight ovah dere," said the little girl, pointing to where the next door house should be, as the three turned to see that there was actually no house at all there, but instead a huge, marble stairway that was lined with a long, red carpet with golden trim, as huge spotlights centered on a gold, glass, and crystal case, which sat a large, black, dusty looking tome, with quite clearly written in great, fancy, sprawled letters, 'Le Tomenia D'einsaniarne'.

"I can't believe we didn't notice that!" said Pegasus, as Dartz looked like he was about to cry. "Oh well!"

"FIWE!"

Suddenly, a huge hole opened up in the space-time continuum above the three, and there, out of it, spilled Raffy, Alister, Valon, and Bianca, all soaring down gracefully and majestically, looking like they were flying…

…squishing Dartz and the other two.

"HOLY GOD!" screamed the gunman. "IT'S THE FEMALE UNDERWEAR MODEL ALICE HUGES! AND SHE'S TOPLESS!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Alister angrily.

"NO! STOP DEM! STOP DEM YOU FOOLS!" yelled the little girl, but it was too late. Alister was now swarmed by men, as he screamed angrily through the entire process.

---ooo---

"In local news today, the famous supermodel Alice Huges was seen on the suburbs of Domino City wearing nothing…(snick)…but a…(snicker snick)…well, you know…" said a newscaster, as a picture of a POed Alister appeared on the screen behind her. "Her comment to her fans was 'Bug off you sickening male creeps, I am a guy, darnit'. Great words from a great…great…incredibly great…woman…who looks dynamite in a bikini…SORRY! Sorry, losing track…"

He adjusted his tie a bit.

"In other news, a rabbit was brutally hugged today by a young woman who bears an eerie resemblance to Seto Kaiba," said the newscaster, showing a picture of Seta hugging Ka'aewu. "Kaiba's many fanboys were chasing her down the street, as well as the foolish yaoi cupplers who thought that Mr. Kaiba was cross dressing. It was utterly hilarious, tragic, sorry, that all of these young people…were hit by a bus. But survived. Somehow…DANGIT, sorry, sorry, I hate to do that…"

He cleared his throat.

"And now…a documentary on the Impressionist Era," he said.

---ooo---

Next time, a devious plot takes effect...one that could throw all of Domino, and quite possibly the world, into absolute insanity! Who will save us? Can this horror be stopped? Find out next time!


	27. Dubber Smackdown

Here we go again…

YAY! Wow, the whole 'Lost Character' thing took a long time! But the chapter's were really easy to write.

Sorry folks, yet again we have another late update. Acutally, this time, it was just schedule crunch time as to why I showed up late...so yeah. However, I hope you find that this chapter was worth the wait, and now that everything has died down, it should be smooth sailing update wise from now on.

Now we're back to the story! Here we go!

**Chapter Twenty Seven**

**DUBBER SMACKDOWN**

_In which Yuki calls upon the power of an unspeakable horror_

"Now is the time to strike…" said the dark lord of the Pencil Fanatical Dubbers, as light from the setting suns streamed through the glass domed window above his head, as he hissed orders to two minions who kneeled before his mantled chair. "The Red Dog Computer Virus has their systems weakened…the robots run rampart across their schools ground…the fangirls have done us a service by putting many a good agent out of commission…"

"We eagerly await your command my lord…" said one of the dubbers. "We wish…to make stupid…to make stereotypical…to make lame…"

"Then my children, your wish will soon come true," said the lord. "However, there is one target I wish for you to take down first…the one who set loose the demon of insanity upon our school…the one who hindered the progress of the fangirls…I wish for you to take down the one who's blind stupidity could destroy everything we've worked for…"

"Who is this threat to normalcy, my lord?" asked the second dubber.

"Send your troops to dub everyone in sight," said the commander. "But take him down first so that we may harness his power…take down Marik Ishtar…"

---ooo---

"Okay Odion…this is our last shot…" said Marik, tears welling up in his eyes. "Either we steel the puzzle this period…or we go home in tears…"

"Actually, I'm kind of glad that it's going to be all over soon," said Odion.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Marik. "Now then…"

Silence.

"I STILL DON'T HAVE ANY IDEAS!" yelled Marik, tears spilling out of his eyes. "WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING! BLOODY EVERYTHING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? I'M SPAZZING OUT DUDE, I'M TOTALLY SPAZZING OUT!"

Pretty much everyone in the hallway was watching as Marik was having a modified temper tantrum, pounding his fists on the floor, and spinning around angrily on it, screaming at the top of his lungs in pure frustration.

"Alright…just let it out…just let it all out…" said Odion, pulling out a tape recorder and recording Marik's moments that will surly result in future humiliation on distribution.

"Oh gods!" yelled Marik pathetically. "Ishizu was right! Why oh why oh why didn't I just _listen _to what she said to me ten long years ago?"

---ooo---

"FOR GODS SAKE MARIK, WHEN IT COMES TO COLD MEDICINE, LESS IS MORE!" shrieked Ishizu, as a six-year-old Marik ran around on the roof without his pants on with finger paint splattered all over his body.

---ooo---

"Oh wait…hang on…" said Marik, stopping his temper tantrum temporarily to go into deep thought. "Maybe it was…"

---ooo---

"OH MY GOD! IS THAT MY SKIRT?" yelled Ishizu in horror, as Marik was trying on her pleated skirt, until she accidentally walked in.

---ooo---

"Wait, no, that's not it either," said Marik. "Wow, and I had almost completely forgot about that too…"

"Your talking about the whole 'skirt thing' aren't you?" asked Odion.

"NO! Wait, it was…"

---ooo---

"Look Marik, if your going to do something stupid, just bang your head against the wall," said Ishizu flatly to a little Marik. "It'll save me the trouble of dragging your sorry behind back home."

---ooo---

"OF COURSE!" yelled Marik. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!"

With that, Marik got up off the floor, and with a deranged look on his face, he ran headlong into a wall, laughing like a little maniac, until his skull completely flattened in contact with a side wall, sending a part of the ceiling crashing down to the floor.

"Okay…once again Marik, your ability to sustain self afflicted wounds in a bizarre manner astounds me," said Odion flatly.

However, the second he said it, a huge, celestrial sounding chorus began to sing in Latin in the background, accompanied by Muse singing 'The End of the World'. The masses of the crowd suddenly stood still, as if everyone in all entirety was holding their breath in horror. All the students turned to see where the commotion was coming from. Somewhere in the fray, there was the scream that had the power to move nations of students in horror and fear…

"DUBBERS!"

And that's when all chaos broke loose.

At the nameless cry, the students who were normally supposed to be heading to all of their last-period before the weekend classes suddenly worked themselves in what was the equivalent of a human wall that slammed it's way down the hallway, with ultimate disregard to anyone who was trampled underfoot in the madness around them. Everyone's goal was to run faster and get farther ahead of the person behind them.

From behind this massive wall of the blue and pink of the Domino High uniforms that charged down the hallway, there was another cloud, this one bright red, attacking any students who were just a little too slow.

"FOOLISH MORTALS!" screamed one of the dubbers, as one of the recently zapped girls giggled in an extremely high pitched voice and began ranting on how badly she could duel and how cool her friends were. "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE HORROR OF DUBBING! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! YOU WILL ALL BE NAMED IN VERY STUPID AND DIFFICULT TO SPELL YET EASY TO SAY ENGLISH NAMES, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! THE HODOKOSHIS SHALL BECOME JOSEPHINAS! THE KATSUYAS WILL BE JOEYS! THE SHIKOTOS WILL BE SAMANTHAS!"

"What?" asked Marik, managing to dig his head out of the wall.

"Oh Christmas…" Odion said, grabbing Marik and running full speed down the hallway along with the crowd.

---ooo---

"Oh God…" said Asoka, after she and Shou had managed to make it safely out of the room, hiding behind a corner of wall as students sprayed by in a massive furry. "This is what we've been hoping wouldn't happen Shou…dubbers…"

"What are we going to do?" asked Shou. "We're only two agents fighting against them! And our only help got arrested! We're severely outnumbered and outmatched!"

"Maybe so, maybe not," said Asuka. "If there's one thing I know about dubbers is that their shallow minded and have no originality. So we've just got to be on top of them!"

"Yeah, it's not like they're going to swarm the entire city or anything!" said Shou.

"AND YOUR CITY SHALL FALL TOO!" screamed someone in the background. "We apologize for being predictable. HA! PSYCH!"

"They're merciless…" said Shou darkly.

"Yep," said Asuka. "Oh Jeez. Jeez and a half. We've got to stop this as soon as possible. Dubbers spread fast, and their worse the farther they go from their starting point."

"But why are they doing this?" asked Shou. "Why here? Why now? Is this just a random attack? Or is there some serious method or plan behind all of this? I mean let's face it, this is a pretty unlikely place where they'd want to dub."

"On the contrary, with scrawny males, patheticness, and a very low amount of collected intelligence, this place is ideal," said Asuka. "Still...dubbers never strike without a plan. It'll be stupid, it'll be one-sided, it'll have no connection to normal thought process, but they'll always have a plan."

"So what do we do?" asked Shou.

"Find the source," said Alexis.

"Will that be hard?" asked Shou.

"Depends how easy you define fighting through massive walls of men who want to turn us all into daisy skippers with silly, high-pitched voices," said Asuka.

Silence.

---ooo---

"I cannot return to my mistress in failure…" said Ebony Crow in her ninja outfit, kneeling in front of the life sized poster of Seto in her locker, so deep in thought that she was completely ignoring the screams of paniced students as they ran by in fear. "I have failed my organization…my life's calling…this…is the end…"

For a moment, she just stared at the photo with tears streaming down from her eyes, soaking into her ninja mask, completely ignoring the fact that one kid was being stopped by one of the dubbers by his underwear before getting dubbed by a Dubstick 309, causing him to giggle like a girl and skip off.

"Forgive me…" she said, reaching into her locker, and pulling out a hand-held object wrapped in deep, red cloth, tied together by a thick cord. With slow but firm duty, she gave the chord a gentle tug, causing it to slip away from it's central knot. The cloth then collapsed on her lap, revealing it's contents.

It was a hand-held dubber, and while not as powerful as the full-fledged dub sticks, they were made for quick, easy dubs with little fuss. She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop the tears of self-loathing to continue to drip down her face.

"You showed me I was okay…" she said, picking up the hand-dubber in her hand. "You took me from that life…my life of nothing but boredom and isolation…they all called me an outcast simply because I didn't believe what they did…I thought I was a mistake…I thought I was God's mistake…"

Her eyes were deep and clear now, staring once again at that picture on her locker, as a bunch of girls skipped down the hall wearing sundresses and giggling about boys.

"I wanted to serve your cause…but not even your kindness can hide the truth…" said Ebony Crow, placing the hand dubber up to her head. "Not even you could erase my worthless self. I must face the punishment for failure…I could never hand this dubber to you…you'd be too kind to dub me…to watch me suffer…but I must…this is my punishment…"

There was an arming click.

"Red Dwarf…" she said.

She closed her eyes in peace, getting ready to dub herself before _they _could, but in the corner of the room behind her.

"Yeah, they want to dub some guy named 'Marik' first."

"Why the heck?"

"Search me. Since when has the great lord of dubbers ever made sense."

"True. He's a loony. A cool loony…with excellent dress sense…and a lovely speaking voice…but a loony."

"Ow…my pants…"

"Anyway, he said that after we bring this 'Marik' whatever to him, we can have all the fun and dub the _main _characters!"

"YEAH! I WANNA TURN TEA INTO A FRIENDSHIP WITCH!"

"And I want to get my hands on Joey Wheeler and whatshisname…oh yeah, Kaiba…"

Her eyes snapped open at that name. She stared forward for a moment, that name echoing in her head.

"Perhaps…my life still has…just enough purpose…" she said, letting the dubber drop from her head. "Yes. I can't let this go. My punishment can wait. I must perform…my last duty…"

---ooo---

"Alright…so it's all or nothing I see," said Tish, panting with exhaustion on the roof, as were a bunch of fangirls who had the bitter-sweet task of having to take her down. "Can't you just…give up…what's the point of…doing this?"

"Look sleezegirl," said one of the fangirls. "We know the great Seto Kaiba is in love with you, and he belongs to all of us! The one's who have been admiring him from afar for years! There's no way we'll just lay down and let you take him from us!"

"So you need group therapy! Hooray for you!" said Tish.

"ENOUGH OF YOUR TALK!" screamed one of the fangirls. "IT'S TIME TO DIE YOU-"

"ANE-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

With that, a fangirl was completely whacked in the back by a huge door that was ripped off it's hinges, sending her flying off the roof and down three solid stories. As she did, the perpetrator was revealed…a homicidal female robot.

"Ane-san, you were so mean to me!" said Azusa-chan, with tears in her eyes. "Why didn't you want to help me find Nii-san and Seta-nee? You d-didn't even listen to what I had to-"

"Hey, outta the way robot!" yelled one girl to her.

"RUDE SEMPAIS!" yelled Azusa, swinging around the door and knocking another one off the roof, causing it to loop around and then knock the last one off, as they both screamed and fell down below.

"Wow...thank you very much," said Tish. "I was in a tricky situation but…thank you!"

"Your welcome!" chirped Azusa. "NOW HELP ME FIND NII-SAN OR I'LL HIT YOU ANE-SAN!"

"Wait, hang on," said Tish. "Who is this…Nii-san?"

"FREEZE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!" screamed one of the dubbers, slamming open the door to the roof, holding a dub-o-matic in the faces of the two.

---ooo---

"THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO-"

"Sing one more verse of that song and I'll blow you up!" yelled Tohru, as she, Fubuki, and the rest of the gang sat at the back of a bus, heading off to Domino High School.

"ANY REQUESTS?" asked Fubuki to pretty much everyone else on the bus, which mostly consisted of people who were giving them all increasingly dirty looks, some toying with their cell phones with the intention of calling the police.

"How about 'The Silence Song'?" asked Kyo sarchastically.

"SILENCE SONG! SILENCE SONG! LA LA LA LA LA!" screamed Fubuki, at a much louder and much more annoying octave, reaching into his back. "LETS SEE WITH SILENCE IN THE THE-SAU-RUS! QUIET, STILLNESS, PEACE, HUSH, NOISELESS, CALM, SOFT, TRANQUIL, SERENE-"

"SHUT UP!" screamed everyone.

"I don't know _that_ one!" said Fubuki. "Oh well! Improvise, improvise! MARY HAD A LIT-TLE LA-"

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

With a horrible sound of a huge bus's tires screeching on hard pavement, all of the gang were thrown forward by the inertia into the seats in front of them, a frantic scream sounding from within the bus as all the lights went out.

"ATTENTION ALL ANIME CHARACTERS!" screamed a voice from outside the bus that came from a megaphone. "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND FILE QUIETLY OUT OF THE BUS! THIS IS A DUBBER RAID!"

"Dubber raid!" cried ASV. "OH NO! The dubbers! They must have escaped!"

"HOLD ME!" screamed Double S.

"Dubbers…blast…" said Tohru. "This will be difficult…they are the ones that make or break an anime…our futures are in their hands…"

"What are we going to do?" asked Double S.

"We must remember one thing beyond all else," said ASV.

"Don't test the unholy power of the garbage disposal?" asked Fubuki.

"…no," said ASV. "Dubbers are only human, like the rest of us. Which means they have both our strengths and our weaknesses. We know them well…they know us well…it's a fair fight."

"So all we have to do is find something that could easily take us down, and use it to take them down!" said Kisa.

"I'VE GOT IT!" screamed Yuki. With a heave, he got up and climbed up the back of one of the bus seats, balancing himself on the top, as he began to unlatch the emergency exit on the roof.

"Yuki, what are you doing?" asked Kisa.

"I'm going to summon a power that has been coursing through this land," said Yuki, managing to pop open the emergency exit. "It's dangerous, temporary, and incredibly unstable…I only have the power to collect pulses of it's power in the area and group it in one, single attack…it'll probably kill me if I let it…"

"What!" asked Double S.

"I summon forth the power…OF 'KINGDOM HEARTS II' FANS!" screamed Yuki, raising a hand toward the sky.

"Oh no!" screamed Kisa. "NOT THE FANGIRLS AND FANBOYS!"

But it was too late. The instant Yuki did, from the distance, they heard the sound of a massive, stampeding army charging from the west. The dubbers, who were pointing the dub-o-matics in the direction of the bus, turned in horror to face the screams of the rabid gamers who were running full speed toward them.

"FINALLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YEARS!"

"MULAN'S IN THIS ONE!"

"SORA'S GOT THE BEST VOICE ACTOR _EVER_!"

"NAM-I-NE! NAM-I-NE!"

"WE LOVE YOU RIKU!"

"HOLY GOD, RABID KINGDOM HEARTS FANS!" screamed one of the dubbers. "Our dubbing power is useless in the face of them!"

"RETREAT!" screamed another.

They dropped down their arms, screaming like little girls, and turning around full heal to get away from the rabid fans, who washed over the bus like a tidal wave, causing it to rock back and forth, threatening to tip over.

"YUKI! STOP! THEY'LL DESTROY THE BUS!" yelled Tohru, as a Kairi plushie got smashed through the window.

"I can't!" yelled Yuki. "Once the gaming fans have been summoned, their power must run full course before they stop!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" screamed Double S.

"WOOT!" screamed Fubuki. "I love a parade!"

---ooo---

"Of all the places to hide…we decide to hide _here_…" said Tea angrily.

"SHUT UP! They'll hear us Tea!" said Joey, as the four found themselves once again squeezed into the same closet that they had gotten locked in previously. However, as you remember, it was also the same closet Seto got locked into, therefore the door got torn off it's hinges by Azusa when she went on a wild rampage. So basically…it became a worthless hiding spot.

"Jee, and the next thing your going to ask is for me to suck it in so much that I turn invisible, right?" asked Tea.

"Whoa, you can do that?" asked Tristan.

"No Tristan, if I could, believe me, I would have escaped this friendship _long _before now," said Tea.

"I wanna go home…" said Yugi, with tears bubbling up in his eyes.

"AW, SUCK IT UP YUGI!" said Joey, slapping Yugi on the back. "COME ON! BE A MAN!"

"I DON'T WANNA BE A MAN!" yelled Yugi. "I WANNA BE A SCARED LITTLE GIRLY GIRL!"

"Uh…" said Tea.

"QUIET! SOMEONES COMING!" screamed Joey at the top of his lungs at the sight of a dubber standing right in front of the doorless doorway, quickly covering his eyes and holding his breath, despite the fact that he had completely blown his cover, due to the fact that a) he had just screamed at a volume that would instantly cause someone to go deaf if they listened to it on headphones and b) with no door, they had no cover to begin with.

"Don't…make…any…noise…guys…" said Tristan in a very loud whisper, as the dubber began to load up the dub-o-matic.

"THAT'S IT! I CAN STAND THIS GROUP STUPIDITY NO LONGER!" yelled Tea at the top of her lungs. "From here on out…I QUIT!"

"What?" cried Yugi. "Tea! You can't do that! Shri will have a cow!"

"I DON'T **BEEP**ING CARE!" yelled Tea at the top of her lungs. "MAKE SHRI GO FIND SOME OTHER GIRL WHO CAN PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF IDIOCY! I QUIT, DO YOU HEAR ME? ONE HUNDRED PERCENT QUIT!"

With a frustrated growl, Tea angrily stomped out of the scene. There was utter silence from the rest of the crew.

"Uh…now what?" asked Yugi.

"Uh…" said Tristan.

"Sorry, sorry, I just heard the news," said Shri, running into the scene. "Sorry everyone…sorry, honestly. This was beyond my control, it really was. But don't panic, this scene will just be put on temporary hold, and then we'll get straight back to it once we get the old Tea back or a replacement Tea…honestly. Don't worry, I'll be back in a bit. Just…let's switch over to Marik's scene then."

"Um," Joey said. "Shouldn't we give him some wa-"

---ooo---

_The following is Fan Service to all Marik Fanatics_

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND MY SHIRT ODION?" yelled Marik angrily.

"I don't know, it got lost somewhere in the fray!" yelled Odion angrily.

"Thank god I've got a smexy chest Odion," said Marik. "So why are we running away before these mortal bakas anyway?"

"Because these 'mortal bakas' will dub the spit out of us if we don't!" said Odion. "Marik, do you know what dubbers do to people? They give them stupid names, bad voice actors, and they turn them into the drooling playthings of little kids when they were originally designed for teenagers! DO YOU HAVE ANY COMPREHENSION OF HOW SICK THAT IS?"

"Do _you _think I have a smexy chest Odion?" asked Marik.

Odion just glared at him.

"Marik Ishtar…" said Ebony Crow, leaping from the ceiling, landing right in front of Marik, causing both him and Odion to scream like little girls. "We need to talk…"

---ooo---

Next time, Marik and Odion decide to take the dubbers head on, Bianca tries to find her way back to Tish, and a mad scramble to find Tea's replacement! See you next time!


	28. The Stupid Male to Female Ratio

Hey! I'm on time for once!

Happy belated Easter everyone! Oh, and just in case any of you are wonder, I'm sixteen now. Go me (waves flags).

**Chapter Twenty Seven**

**THE STUPID MALE TO FEMALE RATIO**

_In which we learn about some peoples shaving habbits_

"HEY! ONE PHONE CALL! WHERE'S OUR ONE PHONE CALL?" screamed Mobster, rattling the bars of the cell in the SPCA where she and Ryou were still trapped at the moment. "HELLO? DOESN'T ANYONE HERE ME? YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THIS! WE CAN CONVICT YOU ON YOUR OWN SYSTEM! THE-oh how's the escape plan going Ryou?"

"Ab-so-lut-lee peachy," said Ryou flatly.

"Good for you," said Mobster. "THE PEOPLE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

"Well isn't that a shame," said Ryou.

"You're implying something, aren't you?"

"Oh no," said Ryou. "In no way, shape, or form am I implying that I have both a deep want and need for you to be quiet so that I can actually gather my thoughts together in any way necessary to ever get us out of this mess, nor am I implying that you're drawing attention to us, which is the exact _opposite_ of what we need right now, nor am I implying that the sound of your voice is slowly dropping down the list of sounds that I like to hear, and is now currently residing between 'badly manicured nails on extra-new chalk board' and 'rusty chainsaw'."

"Thank God!" said Mobster. "I thought you were resorting to 'sarcasm' or whatever you punky obese males call your talkative yabber."

Ryou gave Mobster a look that looked like a cross between hatred, disgust, pity, amazement, and in a subliminal sense…mild amusement.

"You know, most people would try to extort your particular lack of mental advancement that would allow you to detect when people are insulting you non-directly," said Ryou.

"Huh?" asked Mobster.

"But I'm not the kind of person who saviors easy victories, dear woman," said Ryou. "Indeed, in the broad struggles of man as he tries to rise above the primitive tendencies that nature has doled upon the species, I feel that there is some who avoid dangerous battles as well as easy victories."

"Huh?" asked Mobster.

"No, if one doesn't resist the temptation to kill someone using dry humor, sarcasm, and subtle wit, then how can we possibly hope to avoid such other carnal urges, like war, and feuds, and violence?" said Ryou. "So I will sheath the sword, and bury the hatchet, though really, I'd like it if you shut up."

Silence.

"OH, THERE YOU GO WITH YOUR FAT-KID SLANG AGAIN!" said Mobster. "Holy heck! You're like so…myah…and then you say like…myah…and then…WHAT THE HECK DOES 'BURY THE HATCHET' MEAN ANYWAY!"

"ATTENTION ALL STEREOTYPES!" said a voice announcement over the FFPAS (Fan Fiction Public Announcement System). "ALL FEMINE LOOKING MEN OTHER THAN ONES IN THE NEXT SCENE MUST REPORT TO SCENE 78! THAT IS _ALL _AFEMINATE MEN AND/OR PRETTY BOYS NOT IN THE NEXT SCENE! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! I KNOW WHERE ALL OF YOU LIVE! THAT IS ALL!"

Click.

"Do I count?" asked Ryou.

"IN CASE YOU WANT AN EXACT DEFINITION, IF YOU HAVE EVER STARED IN A SHONEN-AI FIC, THEN YOU COUNT!" said the announcement. "END ANNOUNCEMENT!"

Click.

"Were kind of in the middle of a scene here!" said Ryou angrily.

"NOBODY GIVES A DARN IF YOUR IN A SCENE OR NOT! THAT IS ALL!"

Click.

Ryou just sighed and shook his head sadly to himself. With that, he swung around and walked right out of the scene.

---ooo---

"Marik Ishtar…we need to talk…" said Ebony Crow to our favorite dim-witted Egyptian loonie.

"You just said that," said Marik.

"What?" asked Ebony Crow.

"You just said that," said Marik. "You _said_ we needed to talk, remember? In the concluding sentence thing to the last chapter chapter?"

"I did no such thing," said Ebony Crow.

_Wavy Flashback Effects_

"Marik Ishtar…" said Ebony Crow, leaping from the ceiling, landing right in front of Marik, causing both him and Odion to scream like little girls. "We need to talk…"

_Back to Reality Effects_

"Son of a gun…" said Ebony Crow. "Okay, whatever. Marik Ishtar, I have come to warn you."

"I know that the dreaded warlords the Powderpuff Pixies have hired hit men to do me in ever since I discovered their plans to destroy the world using glitter and extremely hard pillows!" said Marik. "DON'T TRY TO STOP ME WOMAN! I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"

"Don't mind the rants, he's a Kindergarten Dropout," said Odion flatly, as Marik continued to rave about the Powderpuff Pixies. "Anyway, what's the warning?"

"For some reason, these dubbers are after Marik," said Ebony Crow. "They are ordered not to attack any other of the main characters until Marik is dragged into custody."

"WHO THE HECK DID YOU TICK OFF NOW MARIK?" yelled Odion at Marik, who was now pulling down a huge chart that said 'Why the Powderpuff Pixies Must Be Blown Up, Made Fun Of, and Blown Up Again, In No Particular Order'.

"Uh…" said Marik.

"IT'S MARIK ISHTAR!" screamed one member of a small group of dubbers, pointing angrily at Marik. "GET HIM!"

"Get out of here," said Ebony Crow. "I shall hold them off. NINJITSU SPELL DARK CLOUD SEVEN!"

With that, there was a huge cloud of black smoke that surrounded the dubbers. Odion then grabbed Marik by the hair, and with one pull, dragged him away from the mock ninja and the insane pencil fanatics. As the dust slowly cleared, in the center of the cloud lay a pile of red dubber robes with big eyed kittens sticking their head out from under them.

"So they have ninjas on their side…" said one of the dubbers-now-kittens. "Fine…we have something just as powerful…someone call HQ and have them send in…IT!"

---ooo---

"Don't any of you make any sudden moves," said the dubber, pointing the dub cannon at Azusa-chan and Tish. "Not unless you want to turn into Mibsy and Anne!"

"Hello!" said Azusa.

"QUIET!" barked the dubber. "Now…before you are given pathetic lines wrapped in slang nobody uses…tell us the location of Marik Ishtar!"

"I don't know!" said Tish angrily. "I'm trying to find him myself! As well as Bianca, that brainless little…but that's not the point! Put that thing down!"

"I'm the one who's going to make the orders here!" said the dubber.

"I'm Azusa!" said Azusa happily. "What's your name Dubber-san?"

"I'll be the one asking the que-" started the dubber. "Holy Cripes…I know you! You're the insane KaibaCorp AI experiment that's been beating the snot out of things!"

"Is that really what they call me?" asked Azusa.

"The boss has a good price on your head!" said the dubber with a smile. "Okay little android, you're coming with me!"

"That's not very-"

Before Azusa had a chance to finish her sentence, the dubber ripped out a device that looked like a TV remote, pointed it at Azusa, and with one push of a button, caused her optical units to cloud over, as she stood blankly forward for a moment, frozen. Then, she leaned forward and collapsed on the roof like a doll.

"What did you do!" yelled Tish.

"Just overrided her programming," said the dubber. "Don't want her to go on a butt-kicking spree now, do I?"

"Alright," said Tish, reaching under her coat and whipping out a super-mini plasma cannon (a more convininent form of mass destruction). "This has gone too far. Back off."

The dubber just smirked and aimed the dub cannon at the cannon, and with a burst of light, fired right on it. Tish shrieked in shock, and as the blast subsided, all that was left was her finger pointing at the dubber. The cannon was gone.

"Don't forget, this baby also has digitizing power," said the dubber. "Now…come quietly, or I'll digitize a few of _your _things."

Tish angrily growled, unable to find a way out of the situation. With pure rage coursing through her green eyes, she put her arms in the air, surrendering.

---ooo---

"I like Ice Cream!" said Bianca, happily skipping down the road as the deranged reporters continued to chase Alister, who was still only wearing the underwear, around on a public street, as Raffy's lack of medication once again kicked in, causing him to tie Valon to a tree and beat him repeatedly with a fish. Bianca had no ice cream in her possession, however, she did have banana, but in Bianca's mind, the thin line between bananas and ice cream was very slim, so it didn't make much of a difference.

However, with a shriek, she suddenly found herself falling forward, her face slamming hard into the pavement, shaking up her brain particle just a little bit.

"OH NO!" she screamed. "My dimwitted crime fighting partner senses are tingling! TISH IS IN TROUBLE! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR-"

With that, she whipped around in a great big whirlwind, as all of her clothes sprayed off in various directions, her jacket falling right in front of the windshield of a car, causing it to wheel off the road, her skirt landing in Alister's face, causing him to accidentally rear in front of the oncoming car, causing it to hit him, then crash into a wall (not killing him, due to the fact that he was lucky enough that this story was rated K+). This caused a helicopter to fall out of the air and land in the center of the road, causing a ten car pileup.

"-BI-ANC-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" sung Bianca heroically, now in her skin-tight black leather suit, as her background was now a flaming mass of pure chaos. "Now…how to get to Tish…"

Now her natural selectiveness kicked in. Her first choice would have obviously been a donkey wheeled cart, but there seemed to be none around. She looked all around again…nope, no hover car either. She went slowly down her mental list, as firefighters, policemen, circus performers all rushed in to put out the fire and calm/entertain the citizens, eliminating camel caravan, jet skis, B-14, magical rainbow colored dragon, winged horse, tank, magical pink pony, and giant robot suit that sucked your blood out and then became one with your body as you ravaged through town destroying things. However, at last, she found item number ten right in front of her.

"STUPID AUSTRALIAN WANNA-BE!" she cried, spotting Valon, still tied to a tree, and still being beaten up viciously by Raffy. She then nimbly bound over to the two, kicking Raffy to the side with a power kick. With that, she ripped the rope off the tree, causing Valon exhaustedly to fall to the ground in pure exhaustion.

"THANK YOU….INSANE WOMAN…" screamed Valon both idiotically and pathetically, but he couldn't say any more, because Bianca stuck a reign bit in his mouth, and threw a saddle on his back.

"GIDDYEP AUZZIE!" said Bianca, kicking her heels in Valon's sides, and with a whinny, Valon reigned back, and began crawling on hands and knees like a horsy in the direction Bianca jerked.

---ooo---

"Sorry to bring you all here…" said Shrilanka-San, standing in front of the closet scene that we recently left off on, surrounded by pretty much every male in this story. "Wow…uh, have you all been in a-"

They all nodded.

"Ah," said Shri. "WELL! Okay, as I'm sure you have heard, Tea had recently…quit…"

**SOMEWHERE IN BARBADOS**

"Ah…that's the stuff…" said Tea, sitting in a beach chair in front of the ocean, being served an ice cold lemonade by a tall, muscular man.

---ooo---

"So basically…since we basically have no more female characters available, we need one of you to pose as Tea," said Shri.

"Awesome!" said Joey.

"No, not you Joey, you're in the same scene as Tea," said Shri.

"AW MAN!" said Joey.

"You're kidding," said Seto.

"Nope, one of you has got to be a girl," Shri.

"Why can't you make Mai or Serenity do it?" asked Pegasus.

**SOMEWHERE IN BARBADOS**

"OH NEVER MIND! WE DON'T NEED THE SCENE!" said Dartz.

"Oh come on, it's not so bad!" said Shri, as every single male in the crowd was giving her the most dirty and homicidal look they could muster. "Come one…one of you step forward! I _know _one of you wants to wear the skirt!"

This only caused angrier glares.

"I watch the show people! I _know _how you are!" said Shri.

More glares.

"DON'T BLAME ME!" said Shri. "BLAME THE STUPID MALE TO FEMALE RATIO!"

No one moved or spoke.

"Look, either one of you get your butts in gear and just wear the stupid skirt until we can find some other woman, or I'm just going to pick one of you!" said Shri. "And when I mean one, I mean I'll hire some thugs to really beat the juice out of the rest of you!"

The group of male characters quickly huddled up.

"Alright, who's it going to be?" asked Alister, looking around the group. "One of you just suck it up and bite the bullet!"

"What? Why don't _you _go?" asked Seto darkly. "You're the one running around in low-rise pants and the highest, skin-tight midriff I've ever seen! If they trimmed off one more inch, it might as well be a bra!"

"SHUT UP KAIBA!" yelled Alister. "You're the one who all the fangirls either pair up with Serenity Wheeler or her brother!"

"Watch it Fem-boy!" yelled Seto.

"Both of you shut up!" said Dartz. "This isn't getting us anywhere! Look…we're all…ah…somewhat 'in touch with our feminine side' to a degree. So really…"

Silence.

"Look, let's just gang up on someone and get it over with?" asked Ziggy.

"That seems kind of low," said Ryou.

"INDEPENDENT THINKER!" yelled Alister. "GET HIM!"

"Hey everyone!" said Ryo Bakura, walking in on the huddle up. "Sorry I'm late! I haven't shown up in awhile and I got lost and-"

He suddenly felt the members of the group stare hungrily at him.

"Change of plans," said Alister.

**15.9 SECONDS LATER**

"YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN!" said Ryo, now wearing the pink girls uniform, the super-short blue skirt with box pleats, and since the boys were feeling especially malicious, a little pink bow tied in his hair. "THIS IS ALL GOING IN MY MEMOIRS!"

"Ryo…do you shave your legs?" asked Tristan out of curiosity, looking at Ryo's now-exposed white legs."

"…uh…of course not!" said Ryo. "I've been cursed with…ah…thing leg hair…"

"Whatever, just hand the kid a script and get this show on the road!" said Shri.

"WHAT?" asked Ryo.

"Oh yeah, just a brief fill in, Tea quit, we couldn't find a female replacement, and now you're the new Tea," said Shri.

"But…but I thought this was just a sick joke, then you were going to let me go!" said Ryo.

"Sorry man, you're our new woman," said Shri. "You're British, right? Just think of this as a Monty Python thing…"

"That's a stereotype!" said Ryo. "British people aren't all cross dressers!"

"Yeah, just Germans!" said Ziggy.

"You shut up!" said Dartz.

"I don't want to do this!" said Ryo, begging to Shri. "I mean, it's bad enough that I get stuck in Yami Bakura/Bakura fics! Do you know how sick the whole concept it!"

"Calm down, calm down," said Shri. "Look, I don't enjoy crossdressing…well, okay, I do…tremendously…probably much more than I should…but I don't enjoy it when it's against someone's will. So tell you what, I'll try to find someone else who's willing to-"

"LOOK NO FURTHER!" said the larger-than-life voice of our favorite Fubuki, strolling into the scene, fully decked out in the girls school uniform. However, if possible, he advanced the 'fem' feeling even more, by putting on lipstick and eyeliner, fake earrings, tying his hair back in a ponytail, and wearing huge, baggy socks.

"I'm ready to be Tea!" said Fubuki, waving proudly at the gang. "I even shaved my legs for the occasion! Oh, bill me for your razor Ryou."

Ryou looked utterly disgusted.

"Oh, look at this you loonies!" said Shri. "We burned way past the limit for this scene! Oh well, we'll have to try again next chapter."

Everyone in the scene groaned.

"SILENCE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, OR I'LL IMAGINE A REAL LIVING NIGHTMARE FOR YOU ALL!" said Shri, switching to dangerously insane authoress mode, causing all the others to cower back in horror. "That's better!"

---ooo---

"ODION, YOU'RE THE MEANEST PERSON ALIVE!" screamed Marik angrily, having another mini temper tantrum in the corner. "You pulled my arm and now it really, really hurts! AND YOU GOT LITTLE RED MARKS ALL OVER MY WRIST TOO! I HATE YOU ODION! HATE! HATE!"

"Oh, forgive me from saving you from living the rest of your live as a queened up brat," said Odion. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but those people were trying to _dub _us."

"What the heck does 'dub' mean!" asked Marik angrily. "Does it mean that they're going to give us cake and presents?"

"No Marik, they're going to give us stupid names and dialogs for an even stupider version of this story," said Odion.

"So what?" said Marik. "Who cares? I DON'T!"

"Did I mention that they'll digitize out your shirtless top?" said Odion.

"I CAN'T HAVE A SMEXY CHEST?" asked Marik in horror.

"No," said Odion flatly.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Marik angrily. "I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE DUBBERS ARE, BUT THEY MUST BE CRUSHED LIKED PATHETIC YET FUN TO SQUISH LITTLE BUGS! Alright Odion, go round up a bunch of them so we can beat them up!"

"…are you mad?" asked Odion.

"That ain't none of your business!" said Marik angrily. "Look, if you don't want to beat them up, then why don't we go to their leader and tell him to stop being a moron and call off the dubbers?"

"While we're at it, let's dress up like dear with huge targets on our backs and walk through view-obscuring groves during hunting season?" asked Odion.

"Who's the servant Odion?" asked Marik.

"I am Marik," said Odion.

"Who's the master Odion?" asked Marik.

"You're the master Marik," said Odion.

"Who da master?" asked Marik, putting a hand to his ear.

"You da master," said Odion dully.

"Say it louder!" said Marik.

"You da master," said Odion a little louder.

"Who's your daddy?" said Marik.

"Don't push it Marik," said Odion darkly.

"RIGHT!" said Marik. "And as your master…I say…WE SHOULD FOLLOW THAT GUY RIGHT THERE!"

Marik pointed to the dubber who was holding Tish at dubpoint, marching down a hallway that branched off the hallway he and Odion were looking down.

"Were you being serious about the dear suit thing?" asked Marik.

"Just follow her Marik," Odion muttered.

---ooo---

"I can't believe it…I just can't," said Asuka, as three knocked out dubbers lay next to both her and Shou. "We beat up three dubbers with the hopes of getting some useful information, and what happens? All we find is a case of lip balm, a few packs of Trident, and a can of Pepsi!"

"The lip balm really works though!" said Shou, re-capping the small, round case, as Asuka gave him a look. "What?"

"Nothing Shou, it's nothing," said Asuka. "Hey…what's that?"

She pointed down the hallway to a peculiar scene unfolding. Tish was still being held at dub-point at the hands of a lone dubber, and just as they were about to get to the end of the hallway, they stopped right next to a bulletin board. The dubber then twisted three push tacks, a red one, a green one, and a blue one, and with a click, the bulletin board popped up a bit, and with that, the dubber swung it over like a door hinge, revealing a small entrance code under it. With that the dubber typed in a code, and with that, another concealed portion of the wall slid open, revealing a long chamber at the end. With that, the dubber prodded Tish with the dub-o-matic, and forced her to walk down the hallway.

The door stayed open for a little while, and then it began to shut automatically. With that, Marik, while cackling insanely, quickly snuck through the rapidly closing gap, Odion sighing and following through it, as it closed automatically. The bulletin board then closed itself as well, clicking to lock itself shut.

"That must be where their hideout is," said Asuka.

"Do…do we have to go in?" asked Shou.

"You bet," said Asuka.

---ooo---

Ebony Crow admired her work, the dubbers now nothing more than a pile of kittens trying to stuggle out of the pile of linens that were their thick, heavy robes. She put the ninjitsu spell back in it's case, and quietly stuffed it into her belt.

"EBONY CROW!" cried Red Dwarf, running to her as fast as she can, still wearing her 'DUMBARSE' t-shirt. "Ebony Crow…thank God…I found you…"

"What is it?" asked Ebony Crow.

"It's the dubbers!" she cried. "They've taken over HQ!"

---ooo---

Next time, the horror of dubland, 'it', which turns out to be a insane being beyond mortal comprehension, and…the truth behind who's the head of the operation? See you next time!


	29. I Love You Vending Machine

La la la I CAN'T HEAR YOU la la la la…

Okay…today…it's time for…awkward pauses…and writing…yeah…writing…why am I doing this…I dunno…felt like it…it's smegging fun…to scare you people…I mean…what?

Moving on. Sorry about the minor delay. Fan fiction dot net was rebooting or whatever they do right on Friday when I update, and I couldn't log in, hence I couldn't update until now. HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER!

**Chapter Twenty Nine**

**I LOVE YOU VENDING MACHINE**

_In which things get wierder still_

"H…Q?" asked Ebony Crow in horror.

"They've completely taken over the base!" said Red Dwarf frantically. "They've done it all! They've captured our best women, they've raided our supplies, they've burned our records, they've deleted _all _the ten thousand screen caps we have of Seto _and _the wallpapers-"

Ebony Crow gasped in disgust.

"-and they've turned it into _their _base!" cried Red Dwarf. "We were going to lead an attack against…but our best agents were hunting down that Tish woman and-"

"This is my fault," said Ebony Crow darkly. "You needed me…you needed me more than anything else…and I wasn't there…I let them take that place…I'm so sorry…"

"Don't be sorry woman!" yelled Red Dwarf. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but we need to crack down on whoever the heck is behind it, and bring them to justice! Which means that we need _your _superior talents to beat them down!"

"I failed you too many times," said Ebony Crow, sinking to the ground in front of her master. "I am no use to you now. Cast me aside as you should. Let the dubbers take me. There's nothing left to my sinful life anymore…"

"Are you still harping on the fact that you joined us halfway through the series when Battle City was most of the way through, and you used to hate Seto Kaiba?" asked Red Dwarf, as Ebony Crow gazed up. "Look, nobody cares, okay? Better a late fan than a no fan for all I'm concerned. What matters now is that you need to get back in the game!"

"Don't waste your kindness on me…" said Ebony Crow.

"STOP BEING ANGSTY AND HELP!" yelled Red Dwarf.

"I still feel worthless…" said Ebony Crow.

"We'll deal with that later!" yelled Red Dwarf. "Right now, I need your help! Please, if you're so dedicated, I need that dedication the most _now_!"

Ebony Crow looked at Red Dwarf, tears streaming down her face.

"I said you can be angsty later!" said Red Dwarf.

"Right, sorry," said Ebony Crow, getting up.

---ooo---

"Whoa! This place is really dark Odion!" said Marik. "DARKER THAN THE OCEAN, DARKER THAN THE SEA, DARKER THAN THE UNDERWEAR MY MOMMIE PUTS ON ME. **SEE!**"

"That's fascinating…" said Odion, as the two continued on their journey to the center of the school through a long, tunnel-like hallway that was lined with lamps. "I can't help but think that there'd be some sort of booby traps or something lining the entranceway to the core…these dubbers don't seem like the type that messes around."

"You're so paranoid Odion!" said Marik. "You act like someone's going to jump out and kill us! SERIOUSLY!"

"Well do dark clouds that looks suspicioulsly like a mystical booby trap like the one right ahead of us count?" asked Odion, pointing out to a huge, black mass of fog that completely blocked the path in front of them.

"Well notice how it isn't jumping out and killing us!" said Marik.

That's when huge knife whizzed out of nowhere and clipped a huge bit of his platinum blonde hair off as it sped by.

"Notice how _that _didn't kill me!" said Marik.

Another knife ripped out of the darkness, and skewered his pants as it flew by, ripping them off and flying off to the end of the hallway.

"That's no problem!" said Marik. "Now everyone can see mah smexy legs _and _mah smexy chest!"

"DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM MORON!" yelled Odion, slapping Marik behind the head. "So 'master', what are we supposed to do?"

"GO IN THE BLACK THING!" yelled Marik.

"WHAT!" yelled Odion. "ARE YOU INSANE! Do you see that thing? That's a trip to the shadow realm if _I've _ever seen one before! What could possibly possess us to _willingly _walk into that!"

"Who's yo daddy Odion?" asked Marik.

Odion glared at Marik. If looks could kill, Marik would be wearing morgue makeup.

"Let's just get this thing over with," said Odion darkly, following Marik as he happily skipped into the abyss, passing easily through the border between worlds. He sighed darkly, closed his eyes, and walked through the border.

His eyes suddenly heard really bad music, and his nose filled itself with the smell of Fabreeze. He could automatically tell from the feeling of the gravity around him that he was in a completely different world…

"OPEN YOUR EYES ODION!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs in a sing song voice. The second he did, Odion screamed. Marik now had huge, chibi eyes, and he was happily bouncing through a field of pink and yellow flowers. In fact, _everything _about that place was pink. The sky was a faint shade of pink, the trees were laden with thick, pink flowers, and the wind echoed with very bad rock music.

"This place…is disgusting…" said Odion.

"Disgusting in the new sense of the world meaning FAR OUT WICKED COOL!" asked Marik.

"No, disgusting as in 'I want to gourge my eyes with pencils in order to keep my sanity in this place for another six minutes'," Odion said.

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS ODION!" said Marik, his legs now covered in light blue pants. "This place ROX!"

"Wait, where did you get those pants Marik?" asked Odion.

"I DUNNO!" said Marik, his voice getting way high pitched. "Wow! I feel like I just at a whole bag of sugar again! This is great!"

"What's…happening here…" said Odion, sinking to his knees. "I feel…steadily more…pathetic…"

"I KNOW! ME TOO!" said Marik. "Well come to think of it, I always feel pathetic…FLOWERS?"

He stuffed a huge bushel of flowers in Odion's face.

"GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!" yelled Odion to the heavens, as the horror of the way-pretty flower petals spiraled even closer.

---ooo---

"Darn Dubbers…I swear, they make their heads out of solid cement," said Seto angrily, massaging his knuckles, as three beaten up dubbers lay behind him, all moaning in pain. "Note to self…aim for their stomachs if they get too close next time."

Besides having to beat up several dubbers who had gotten too close, Seto seemed relatively oblivious to pretty much everything that happened that happened to the school in the period of one day. Perhaps it was being hated by virtually every man alive and the fact that he was being hunted down by everything from deranged, long haired, fancy pants millionaires to ten year old brats who got locked up in virtual la-la land that made him relatively desensitized to these kind of events.

However, something was clearly on his mind, as he walked over to a wall and sighed, putting his back against it. Then, very dully, he let his back slide down it, until he was eventually sitting sprawl-legged on the floor, looking like he was about to launch into an especially violent period of angst.

"What's wrong lad?" asked the very familiar, mildly-Scottish sounding voice behind him, as a Blue Eyes White Dragon plushie crawled up along to his shoulder. "Yehr looking particularly angsty right now…if it's the dubbers, ah can always-"

"It's not them," said Seto bluntly. "It's…_her_."

Bluesy rolled his button eyes to the ceiling, 'Oh God' echoing somewhere in the back of his mind, as Seto buried his face in his knees, the cuddly dragon patted him on the back with a stuffed paw.

"Look lad," said Bluesy. "Yeh can't just let yerself got tae waste because of one lassie that's blessed with huge eyes and no brain."

"But she doesn't know I exist!" said Seto. "I bet I screwed up something along the lines, and now she ran out of the school in pure disgust! I bet she wants me dead! I bet…I bet…"

"Yeh aren't going to cry on me, are you?" said Bluesy. "Because if there's one thing that I hate, it's you slobbering all over mah fabric."

"I'm not going to slobber on you!" said Seto, angrily glaring at Bluesy, his glare automatically switching to 'If you weren't a stuffed animal, you'd die if you looked into my eyes' kind of look. "I've got a pair of thread scissors in my back pocket, and if you go on about me doing something like breaking down, then I won't hesitate to rip out every single stitch on your body, and I'd enjoy every second of it!"

"Look, just do it and get it over with…" said Bluesy darkly.

Another infamous 'angry-Kaiba' glare.

Then he started bawling pathetically into the unfortunate plush toy.

"Yeah yeah…I really do feel like living the rest of my life as a sponge…" said Bluesy angrily.

"She haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates me!" sobbed Seto.

"Uh huh," said Bluesy.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES!"

"I'm sure she doesn't."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!"

"She probably doesn't even remember your name. She's incapable of hating you in consequence."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh, right, that was probably the wrong thing to say."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Oh, for God's sake lad, getta tissue or something!"

"AAAAAAAAAH (Sniff hack) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"GOOD LORD ABOVE, AND THE LORD'S CHORUS OF A THOUSAND ANGELS, PLEASE DO SOMETHING, _ANYTHING _TO STOP THIS MAN FROM CRYING!"

"ALMOST THERE STEED!" sung Bianca in a sing-song voice, driving Valon on, who was still laughing stupidly. She was laughing stupidly, as was he, as they gallivanted full speed down the highway, until Valon crashed head first into the last telephone pole in front of the school that wasn't a smoldering crater.

"THANK YOU!" said Bianca, eagerly reaching into her pocket, pulling out a flowerly little coin purse, reaching into it to pull out a dirty penny. With that, she ripped Valon's face out of the telephone pole, and stuffed it in his mouth, then turned on her heel and happily skipped off to the school. Valon gave her a thumbs up.

"It's…her…" said Seto, his eyes completely streaked in tears, tearing to the window, after hearing her sickeningly cheerful, overly-loud voice.

"THANK YOU!" cried Bluesy.

"BI-ANC-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Seto happily, running full speed down the hallway, a huge, happy smile on his face, his eyes stained with grateful tears.

With that, as she busted open the doors to the school, and turned in his direction. With that, she too broke into a happy smile, her face lighting up even more than usual. With that, she began to charge toward him, her arms spread wide. That's when everything switched to slow motion, and very dreamy music began to play somewhere.

"I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" she cried.

"OH, ME TOO!" Seto said, looking like this was the best day of his life.

"HOW I'VE LONGED TO BE NEAR YOU!" she cried.

"YES! YES YES YES!" said Seto.

"I LOVE YOU!" she screamed.

"I LOVE YOU TOO!" screamed Seto.

"God, how long is this going to last?" asked Bluesy, watching all of this unfold in front of him.

"I LOVE YOU…BIANCA!" said Seto.

"I LOVE YOU…VENDING MACHINE!" she cried, flying full speed past Seto, as the record on the player scratched so violently that Seto froze right in midstep, causing him to teeter over falling on his face. Bianca then rushed up to the vending machine behind him, embracing it in her grasp, as little hearts flew all over the place.

Seto once again started bawling.

"They say that the good lord made everything for a reason," said Bluesy Woosy. "But I can't help but think that he could have thought twice that when he created love, especially between fictional characters, not so ridiculously blind."

---ooo---

"WOW!" screamed one of two particular students as the walked down the hallway. "It sure is fun walking, isn't it Jim?"

"IT SURE IS TIM!" said Jim.

"I LOVE YOU JIM!" said Tim

"MAD LOVE TIM!" said Jim.

Their pointless dialog was halted as they were halted in the middle of the hallway, forced to face the face of a big eyed, smiling, green furred little chibi squirrel.

"COOL! WHAT'S THAT TIM?" asked Jim.

"I DON'T KNOW JIM!" said Tim.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERY-BODY'S NERVES, EV-REE-BOD-EES NERVES, EV-REE-BOD-IEES NERVES-" the squirrel began to sing.

And that's when it all began.

"My goodness! Just look at the fuss your making Odion!" said Marik in horror, as Odion continued to pant wildly, knees on the ground, just barely supporting himself with one hand, the other one clutched to his chest, as he hacked and begged for non-perfume ridden air. "Honestly! You're acting like a real stick-in-the-mud!"

"Marik…stop…talking…like that…" Odion panted. "This place is evil. Go, get out…of here…while you still…can…"

"Lollypop?" asked Marik sweetly, holdining up a huge, spiral lollypop to Odion.

"I knew it…" said Odion. "This place…is a portal…to one of the eviler planes…of dubbing…where 4Kids…draws its evil…power…"

"You sure you don't want it?" asked Marik.

"Get out of here Marik…they'll kill you…" said Odion. "This place…it's suffocating…"

Marik just stared as Odion collapsed in pain to the ground. Then he stuffed the lollypop into his mouth with a huge smile on his face.

Odion was beginning to feel his head spiral. This is what he was dreading. The second that he came to, he knew he would be a pansy-skipping, bad-slang using weirdo. What was he going to do…oh what…his senses would soon belong to this plane of insanity, where everything made so much sense…it didn't.

Suddenly, he felt a thin chord of elastic slap behind his head, and something slap across the bottom half of his face. As he inhaled, he suddenly felt clean, not perfumed air suck into his lungs, and his head, for just a moment, didn't fell like it was going to explode. A few more breaths…and he slowly felt himself get better. What was happening? Was this it? Was he dubbed? Could he still remember profanity, risqué humor, naughty bits?

He remembered his high school prom. Oh yeah. He was _soooooo _not dubbed.

"Honestly, walking into a Dub Dimension without a mask on," said Asuka in front of him, as he got to his feet to face her, to see that she too was wearing a mask. "Sheesh, your just _asking _to die if you do that, you know?"

"Marik…" said Odion, his voice a little muffled. "Is he…"

"No, it hasn't run the full course yet," said Asuka, as Shou (also wearing a mask) slapped a mask across Marik's face. "The effects tend to have a little more automatic effect on characters with the least amount of intelligence."

"My goodness gracious!" said Marik, turning to everyone. "It's just so wonderful to see new friends to-WHAT THE HECK!"

"That sounds a little more like Marik.," said Odion with relief.

"Hey, why do I feel like I've been talking like someone from a 50's chick flick?" asked Marik. "And-OH GOD! How come no one can see my smexy chest!"

With that, he ripped off the shirt the dub dimension charitably provided him.

"Ah…that's much better…" said Marik.

"Whoa…" said Shou. "I think I liked him better before."

"Everyone does…" said Odion.

The sound of clapping behind him caused all four to whirl around, facing a small group of dubbers, none of them wearing masks, but all with triumphant smiles across their faces, their eyes narrowed to excited slits.

"Bravo Mr. Marik," said their head dubber. "We all knew that it was going to be all to easy to hunt you down, but to actually bring Asuka and Shou here too…you, my friend, are quite impressive. And by impressive, I mean as dumb as paving cement."

"One could say it's vice versa," said Alexis bravely. "Please note that we are top agents for our organization that has secret locals all over the world, and you're only slimy little hit-men from some cult that resides in a shack in a hick town!"

"She knows about the shack!" screamed one of the dubbers.

"WELL SHE DOES NOW!" yelled the head dubber. "Never mind! The fact is, now all of you are in our clutches, and as you can see, we clearly have the advantage!"

"Perhaps not," said Alexis. "It's a great spring of faith to just walk into such an unstable world such as this one without any sort of protection from its power. No one can withstand this kind of place forever."

"Yeah!" said Syrus. "We have masks and you don't! That means that we can stay here a lot longer than you can! So it turns out that _we _have the advantage!"

"Not quite," said the head dubber. "Perhaps you haven't noticed, but we remain unscathed from being here, for we have learned to control this dimension's vast powers. You think that mere masks can stop the effects of dubbing? It's power effects not just the air, but you entire being. Notice how your names have already been turned into something a little more American!"

Alexis and Syrus both looked at the dubbers in horror. Then, very slowly, both of them read the last few paragraphs of dialog, then their eyes slowly came together.

"Oh my…" said Syrus. "I thought Shri was just being stupid again!"

"This is very bad," said Alexis.

"And we too, are at an advantage…" said the head dubber, as he held both of his hands in front of him in a cup shape, as huge ball of power began to form within it. Then when it had gotten big enough, he wheeled it back, and threw it forward, as the four leapt out of the way, Odion dragging Marik.

"So they can manipulate the power of dubwork around them without the aid of weapons," said Alexis. "Well, this is just peachy."

"EAT PLASMA CULTIST FREAKS!" yelled Syrus, reaching into his holster and pulling out…a bushel of flowers. "TIME TO AIR OUT YOUR…oh…"

"Were doomed," Odion said.

Sadly, as all the dubbers began to form power balls, that is the fate that it seemed like our heroes were going to need to face. Having all of their weapons turned into harmless bushels of flowers, chocolate bars, and fruit, even the most well equipped members of the team were powerless to the onslaught of the mighty dubbers. All they could do was dodge the dub-based power balls and hope that it didn't hit them. But only that could last them for a little while, considering they were outnumbered at least three to two.

"Well…this may be how it ends," said Alexis, as all four of them hid behind a huge tree that was thick with flowers. "There's no way we can beat them…we're completely outmatched. I hate to be the pessimist but…it's only a mater of time."

"It's been great working with you…do you mind if I don't say your name?" asked Syrus.

"Don't worry about it," said Alexis. "If by some slim chance any of us makes this out alive…tell Fubuki I love him."

"Okay," said Syrus. "And…tell Ryou that he still owes me for last year when he forgot my birthday and had to pull something really stupid at the last minute."

"…right, I'll make sure," said Alexis.

"TELL ODION I THINK HE WOULD LOOK HOT IN A SKIRT!" said Marik.

"Tell Ishizu that she should have pushed you in front of a car when she had the chance," said Odion.

That's when the top of the tree got blown off, and charged pieces of bark rained down on the gang.

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" screeched the head dubber. "All of you, surrender right now, and your translation will be quite painless!"

"Never!" yelled Alexis.

"Me neither!" said Syrus.

"How painless are we talking?" asked Marik, as he got smacked on the head by Odion, about the same time that the head dubber fell forward, yelling in pure anger, his face slapping against the ground, a ball bouncing forward.

"Such strategy," said the voice of Ebony Crow, as the dubbers turned around to face the tall, graceful figure of the fangirl ninja. "I believe that this shall be…quite entertaining."

"How the heck did a ninja get here!" yelled the head dubber, getting to his face. "And…how come…"

"Bouncy Balls," said Ebony Crow, tossing one up and down in the air. "Harmless toys…and toys don't apply to this dimension. So go ahead…I too, am armed."

"But you can beat us!" said the dubbers. "Everyone knows that ninjas are well equipped to beat people up! So what are you going to do about that now!"

"I can still beat you up," said Ebony Crow bluntly. "In fact, I can do anything I want to you, as long as the scenes are cut from the actual story."

"Really?" asked Alexis.

"Indeed," said Ebony Crow.

"Well…that changes everything!" said Alexis.

_Cut from the US version is a scene of devastation as various wicked cool P0W4H moves and ninjitsu are preformed on the dubbers, who try to put up a fight until they get kicked in various uncomfortable places._

_And this particular shot where…lets just say a lot of rude hand gestures are involved._

"COOLY COOL!" yelled Marik, as the field was strewn with dubbers (all of their nose bleeds properly digitized out). "I can't believe it! We won!"

"Yay us," said Odion.

"Ebony Crow!" said Red Dwarf, running toward her full speed. "Ebony Crow…why did you run away like that…you could have gotten hurt…Ebony Crow!"

That's when, with one last effort, one dubber managed to cup one hand, forming another small, trembling power ball, and with an aim at no one in particular, hurled it forward with the last of his strength.

Everything went fast. Alexis, seeing it coming toward her, quickly dodged out of it's way as it sped by, falling onto her side, as the ball continued to spiral wildly around, heading toward Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf completely froze in place, and there was a flash of black as-

"EB-OH-NEE CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

---ooo---

"So…this is one of the agents…" hissed the voice behind the red-veiled chair.

"Yes master…this is it…" said the dubbers, kicking Tish forward lightly, her hands firmly tied behind her back. "She attempted to disguise herself as a fellow school student…but she wasn't that hard to pick out."

"I see…" hissed the voice, as Tish glared boldly back at him. "Well…this is the end of the line my dear…do you have any last requests?"

"Who are you?" Tish asked darkly.

"Who am I?" said the voice, followed by a think, hallow laugh. "Is that your request? Well…your wish is granted."

With that, the curtain slowly began to part around the chair.

---ooo---

Cheh. Cliffie 8P.

Next time, finally! Seto asks Bianca the big question, a brave escape from a dubbed dimension, and the true identity of the dubber king! See ya!


	30. That One Chapter When

WOOT!

Hey! This chapter's late! Well…yeah. SORRY! WILL I EVER GET BACK TO REGULAR UPDATES! EVER! Basically, I just started writing this chapter two weeks ago, worked on seven hundred words…and just stopped.

YA! It's time for insanity! Oh my God, I can't believe we made it to thirty whole chapters. THIRTY! Can you believe it? I can't. It just creeps me out. Really creeps me out. But thank you all for helping me make it to Thirty! J00 GUYZ R0X!

**Chapter Thirty**

**THAT ONE CHAPTER WHEN SETO IS FINALLY BRAVE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY ASK BIANCA OUT BUT THEN COLLAPSES TEN SECONDS LATER, BUT STAYS CONSCIOUS JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO HEAR HER SAY YES**

_In which we have quite a long chapter title_

"EB-ON-NE CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

For just one moment, Ebony Crow stared ahead of her, as if having no sense of feeling of the world around her. With that, her eyes clouded over, and slowly, she lopsidedly fell to the ground with a sickening thud of her hitting flower petal covered grass.

"She…blocked that ball…so Red Dwarf wouldn't be dubbed…" said Alexis.

"Ebony Crow! No!" screamed Red Dwarf, running toward the fallen fangirl ninja. "Ebony Crow…you didn't…no…"

Odion, Alexis, and Syrus looked forlornly at the scene before them, as Red Dwarf was begging for something to change so that Ebony Crow would no longer be dubbed.

"Wait, why are we upset again?" asked Marik, as he got elbowed in the side by Alexis.

"Well you have to admit…so many dubbers…one of them had to…hit a not-that-important-character-but-important-enough…" said Odion.

"SHE WAS GOING TO DO SO MUCH!" screamed Ebony Crow. "She was going to graduate…she was going to go to college…she was going to watch my 'Peacemaker' boxed set!"

"GOLLY GEE!" screamed Ebony Crow, getting up, now with a super-happy, high-pitched voice. "I feel, like, ultra-mega fem!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Red Dwarf.

"Is there anything we can do?" asked Syrus.

"I'm not sure," said Alexis. "But one thing's for sure…we won't be able to do anything if we stay in this world for too long and become dubbed ourselves..."

"BOR-ING!" yelled Marik angrily, but thankfully, out of nowhere, an anvil dropped down and crushed his tiny skull.

"Hey, an anvil can't come from such a dubbed place with such high concentration like this one!" said Alexis.

"So that means that…" Odion said.

"There's a way out!" Syrus finished, pointing to a huge hole in the dimensions that was floating above their heads.

"Great, so how are we going to get up there?" asked Odion.

"Hmm…let me think…" said Alexis, tapping a finger to her chin. "Do we have any rope or something on us?"

"Well we did but…" said Syrus pathetically, holding out a very, very long gummy worm. "I really don't think it's going to support our weight."

"Wait!" said Odion, as Marik somehow managed to shove the anvil off his body. "Maybe Ebon…ah…never mind…"

"It's okay…I mean…it could be worse, couldn't it?" asked Red Dwarf, looking down at the ground, tears threatening her eyes.

"I LOVE PONIES!" screamed Ebony Crow.

"No, you don't have to ask her, I will," said Alexis, as Red Dwarf nodded and got out of the way so that she could walk up to her. "Ebony Crow…do you have anything that could help us get out of this dimension?"

"NO WAY!" said Ebony Crow. "I'm a super weak wussy girl!"

"DON'T WORRY IDIOTS!" said Marik bravely. "I have…A PLAN!"

"I've heard this one before…" said Odion.

"Well, you know how things evolve so that they can do all kinds of weird things, like sprout gills and have really long necks and cool looking horns and stuff?" asked Marik.

"Yeeeeeeeeeees," said Odion.

"Well, why don't we evolve, sprout wings, and fly out of here?" asked Marik. With that, he closed his eyes, and then he looked like he was under a massive amount of strain, as veins popped up on his forehead, and it looked like his eyes were going to exploud out of his sockets.

"COME ON!" he said. "SPROUT WINGS! SPROUT WINGS! SPROUT WINGS DARNIT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!"

"There are just two small problems with your theory Marik," said Odion. "One, flight doesn't just require wings. It requires hallow bones and strong muscles. So unless you can do all of that in one go-"

"SHUT UP ODION!" yelled Marik. "I'm trying…to…concentrate…"

"Also, evolution is a series of _genetic _mutations," said Odion. "That means that it involves a series of offspring having random mutations that just get passed down from generation to generation…so we need three million years _at least _just to sprout wings-"

"QUIET!" said Marik. "They say that you can be whatever you want when you grow up. And right now I _reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy_ want to be a huge-winged freak that can fly!"

"And everyone thought I was insane when I said I wanted to be a secret agent…" said Alexis, as the entire gang sweatdropped as the watched Marik strain his tiny brain in an attempt to sprout wings.

---ooo---

"You're…you're…" Tish said, her eyes bugged out in horror, staring at the true identity of the man behind the curtain, the man who had controlled massive amounts of savage brutes to do his duty, the man, who through cunning tactics, was using insane pencil lovers to commit deeds of ultimate evil-

Oh, sorry. It's his job to do the monologue giving away virtually every aspect of the plot that the writer was much too lazy to develop.

"Yes…fear it…" said the man.

"YOU'RE…"

"QUAKE IN FEAR! SCREACH OUT YOUR MORTAL TERROR!"

"Adorable," said Tish flatly.

"I AM NOT AORABLE, DANGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

"Yeah you are."

"Shut up!" screamed the commiter of foul deeds…who just happened to be an adorable "I SAID SHUT UP!" little kid with huge, green eyes, and freckles and red hair that feel in cute little bangs and was tied back in small pony tail that made him extra cute. "I AM LEON DANGIT! LEON SCHRODER FROM SCHRODER CORP!"

"Such a cute kid," said Tish.

"I SAID SHUT UP, DANGIT!" yelled Leon. "YOU THINK YOUR SO COOL JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT THAT LOOKS GOOD IN SKIN-TIGHT BLACK CLOTHING WITH LOTS OF COOL WEAPONS AND STUFF WHILE I'M JUST A LITTLE KID?"

"Yeah," said Tish.

"SHUT UH-UP!" yelled the little kid. "Well even if you do look better in skin tight black clothes than me…THAT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I have a bunch of mind controlled, unambitious, dweebish cult members on my side!"

"I suppose most weak-but-charasmatic people who are much too pathetic and spineless to do things by themselves do," said Tish.

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" yelled Leon. "Not that it matters…considering now, the second Marik suffocates and dies in the land of the dub, NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY!"

"You seem like a man of many issues…" said Tish. "Perhaps you'd like to monolog on about all kinds of inner plot mechanisms to this whole plan that the writer was much to lazy to develop in the story."

"HEY! I RANT WHEN I WANT TO RANT!" yelled Leon.

There was a few moments of silence.

"Okay, so it started something like this…" said Leon, as Tish's head drooped. "You see, one day, me and some buddies down at the forums got into a little argument-"

"Wait, your saying this whole thing got started because of something said in the _forums_!" said Tish.

"ARE YOU LISTENIG TO THIS RANT OR NOT?" said Leon. "Oh, and SHUT UP!"

"Well actually-" said Tish.

"ANYWAY!" said Leon. "So GunsNButter243 said that my older brother Zigfried was the stupidest character ever, and there wasn't a single half-way cool thing about him!"

"Uh huh…so instead of letting it go, you?" said Tish.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP OR NOT!" yelled Leon. "Anyway, normally, I _would _let it go, but then…I really just starting thinking about it, and you know what? They're _right_. And it's not just Zigfried. All of our other relatives…Pegasus…Dartz…they don't have a single fangirl to their names!"

"Most long haired men at least ten years older than the heroes with abnormally colored hair don't," said Tish.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "That being said, when I realize it, they're pratically the only characters on the _show _that don't have any fans. HECK! We are the blunt of every single bashing, naughty humor, and fangirl slashdown riot on the show! AND WHAT DO WE DO! Nothing! Nothing at all! Heck, we even _help _the darn main cast eventually! WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO GET THIS KIND OF BEEPING TREATMENT!"

"Not true, what about whatshisname…Kaiba's stepdad…um…Geraldo?" asked Tish.

"SHUT U-U-UP!" yelled Leon, waving his arms wildly. "That being said, I decided…it was time. It's time that we finally gain some respect! We are the villains, but lost of villains have fangirls! I mean look at Yami-bloody-Bakura! He does nothing but run around, cackling, and _losing _periodically, and what! HE'S SURROUND BY GIRLS WHO DROOL AT THE SIGHT OF HIM AND HIS OH-SO-SLIM LEGS!"

"One could really put up the same argument for Mai," said Tish. "Except instead of girls-"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" yelled Leon. "Well…no more, that's what I say! We're going to win respect, and we're going to do it by any means necessary! So even if I have to dub every single person so badly that they become so utterly lame that NO ONE will like them, I will!"

"But why are you so into beating on Marik?" asked Tish.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY!" screamed Leon. "He's so girlish it's scary! I MEAN, BLEACHED BLONDE, MEGA-TAN, WEARS _EARINGS AND BRACELETS_, AND RUNS AROUND IN A BLOODY PINK NAVEL BAREING HOODIE, AND WHAT! WHAT! HE'S SWAMPED BY FANGIRLS! SWAMPED! SWAAAAAAMPED!"

"You're not exactly Mr. Butch either ponytail boy," said Tish.

"I DON'T NEED YOUR SASS LADY!" said Leon. "Besides, once the dubbers have turned your school into a bunch of babbling wimps, I shall take over, and at last, the cult of long haired men with bizarre accents will be the king of the ranting fangirl's world!"

"But how did you manage to get the dubbers to go along with all of this?" said Tish. "I mean, aren't your insane, megalomania-based rants and their ideology completely different?"

"Simple," said Leon. "You know the one thing that the dubbers are driven into fanatical squealing about?"

"Silly outfits?" asked Tish.

"Yeeeeeeeees BUT SOMETHING ELSE TOO!" said Leon.

"I dunno…" said Tish.

"PENCILS!" screamed Leon. "Oh yes…they want everyone on the entire planet to become enslaved to the might and the glory of pencils! They love them! They worship the darn things! I mean, there's something seriously wrong with people who have fixations over sharpened sticks filled with graphite."

"And what does that have to do with anything?" asked Tish.

"You know how, like, in Elementary school, everything is all 'pencils, pencils, pencils'?" said Leon. "Well, when you get into High School, it's all about PENS! I'm serious! No matter where you go, it's pens this, pens that, you don't write your paper in pen, and I'll rip it to little pits, shed those little bits, dump those little bits on the floor and stamp them into the dust, pour lighter fluid on them and set them ablaze! They're sick of it…and let's just say the fact that all the main characters are high school characters! SHUT UP!"

"I didn't say anything!" yelled Tish.

"Well so-o-ry!" yelled Leon.

Silence.

"I've gotten used to…saying it you know."

Silence.

"Uh…"

Silence.

"Where did you get that outfit anyway?"

"Am I safe to assume that you're no longer ranting hysterically?" asked Tish.

"Yeah, I'm pretty much done," said Leon.

"So I can start the whole 'oh, you'll never get away for this' hero mantra?" asked Tish.

"Feel free," said Leon.

"You've spoken too much!" said Tish. "I know what your plans are, and you'll never get away with them! Your forces are weak, and they shall fall under our order!"

"Whoa, that was lame," said Leon.

"As if you've done much better!" yelled Tish.

"Well come on!" said Leon. "Who the heck's gonna stop me? The wall?"

**SHRILANKA-SAN WISHES TO APPOLOGIZE FOR BEING PREDICTABLE**

BAM!

"LEON!" yelled a fancy-pants voice from behind him, heavy with the horror of a German Accent, as a huge chunk of the demolished wall crumbled down like an extra-thick, extra dusty piece of cookie. Zigfried had a very disturbed look plastered across his face, his eyes turning to little green specks in a mass of white eyes, holding Raphael in what appeared to be the way one would hold a battering ram, and it seemed like he used Raffy in a similar manner, considering like Raffy was having a combination between nervous arrest and a seizure.

"VAT ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Zigfried, dropping Raffy like a stone, causing him to twitch even more, as Dartz and Pegasus walked in behind him. "I TOLD YOU TO STAY HOME AND NOT MANIPULATE CULTIST ACTIVITIES FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT! CAN'T YOU EVEN REGISTER THAT!"

"Z…Ziggy?" asked Leon, tears appearing in his eyes.

"Hey Leon," said Dartz, waving.

"Oh hey Dartz," said Leon. "Whatup?"

"Hi. I'm Tish. I'm being held against my will," sad Tish.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Leon.

"AND YOU HOLD PEOPLE AGAINST THEIR WILL!" said Ziggy in horror. "Zis is an inzult! YEW ARE NOTHING BUT A SHAME TO THE FAMILY! Thank God that we managed to get here so quickly! Traveling can be such a pain zees days…"

"Um…how did you manage to get here anyway?" said Tish. "I mean, haven't the city's transportation systems been completely shut down due to the massive dubber attacks?"

---ooo---

"I think…my brain broke…" said Alister, twitching in pain, his head mended on contact to a telephone pole right above Valon, with a penny recently stuck into his mouth.

---ooo---

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT, NOW IZ IT!" said Zigfried. "Vat is important iz zat this entire school is in a massive mess of trouble! Ugh! Fool! Don't you know that it will take millions of dollars worth of funds, fantastic amounts of time, and thousands of men who have been tickled in very bizarre places to fix this terrible mess!"

"I…I just wanted to help the family…" said Leon, with tears dripping down his eyes. "I've been the youngest and…I figured…I oughta…help…"

"This is very touching," said Tish. "Now one of you untie me before I kill you with subliminal mind signals."

"SHUT UP!" yelled Leon.

"And just _how _did you plan on helping zee family?" asked Ziggy.

"Well…it's a bit of a long and a somewhat complicated story…" said Leon. "Not to mention that my tongue is pretty tired from talking about it for the first time…thank goodness for timecards…:

**ONE INCREDIBLY LONG AND REPETITIVE RANT LATER**

"**So that's basically-AHEM! BOLD SHRI!" said Leon.**

Oh, terribly sorry.

"So that's basically the jist of the entire thing," said Leon. "I make the cast look like a bunch of idiots, they lose fangirls, we get fangirls. Simple, eh?"

"BRILLIANT!" yelled Pegasus. "Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Because you're an insane man with a somewhat disgusting fixation with caricature animals?" asked Dartz.

"That doezn't change the fact zat zis is overly drastic and overall stupid!" said Ziggy angrily. "I am _utterly _disappointed in your behavior! I order you to stop this right now!"

"But this is…for the benefit of our entire family!" said Leon, his eyes turning into huge, tear-filled orbs.

"That doesn't change zee fact that you've destroyed a school, made me break down a perfectly good wall, and indirectly give all of zee Doom Bikers massive head injuries!" said Ziggy angrily. "Leon…I am utterly disappointed in you."

For some reason, even though Ziggy had been screaming various angry insults at Leon for quite awhile up to this point, for some reason, what Ziggy just said…really hurt. It hurt much more than Leon thought it was going to hurt though. His eyes were welling up with tears at a greater pace, and he hung his head down. For a moment, the entire room was consumed in silence.

"Is anyone going to untie me, or what?" asked Tish.

I SAID SILENCE!

"Yeesh!" said Tish.

"…no," said Leon.

"Excuse me?" asked Dartz.

"No…I'm sorry…I've come to far…" said Leon, turning up to the three feminine men, his eyes now consumed in a blaze that was a very disturbing combination of fury, anger, and basic homicidal mania. "I thought I was going to please you Ziggy…I thought you'd be a little reluctant at first…but I never knew you'd reject it entirely…"

"Uh oh…" said Dartz, backing off as he started to see the ranting megalomaniac genes slowly start to kick in.

"Well guess what!" said Leon. "I'm going to make you proud whether you like it or not! So the whole school wasn't good enough for you! Well…how about the whole world?"

"Ooooooh world domination plot!" said Pegasus, clapping. "Love it!"

"Are you mad?" said Ziggy. "That's the stupidest attempt to take over the world that I have ever heard of! And I should know…I've made several myself."

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "I'll have made it my call in life to somehow win the respect of my family for being someone that fangirls actually squeal over…AND I SHALL DO IT BY WHATEVER MEANS NESSESSARY!"

"Oh great," said Dartz. "Now is one of those days I wish I was adopted…"

"We shall meet again!" said Leon, and with that, he clapped his hands-

-and all the lights went off.

"OH DARN IT!" said Dartz, clapping, as all the lights turned on again, but when they did, it only revealed that Leon was gone.

---ooo---

"Not…working…not…sprouting…wings…" panted Marik, running out of energy, steam coming out of his ears, and looking like he was going to fall over and die from straining his brain so hard at any second.

"Well…I guess this is the end…" said Alexis, her back on a grassy patch.

"Yeah…" said Syrus.

"It's a shame…" said Alexis.

"Yeah…" said Syrus.

Silence, as Marik decided to take a new approach and bang his head against a tree to get some sort of brain juice flowing, as Odion didn't bother doing anything, far from being in the mood, and Red Dwarf continued to quietly angst.

"Boy, could I use some sad violin music right now…" said Alexis.

"HEY! I GOT A NEW IDEA!" screamed Marik to the group, of whom none really seemed to care. "Why don't I try to use my superior brain power to just make this entire dimension to go away!"

"Whatever dubs you into a form that's less annoying faster," said Alexis.

"OKAY WORLD!" screamed Marik. "GO BYE BYE!"

With a small pop, oddly, the entire plane of that universe did just that, causing all three to land flat on their backs on the hard ground, as if they had been suspended in air.

---ooo---

"Well, this completely stinks!" said Dartz angrily. "Way to go for your stupid brotherly problems Ziggy!"

"Well it isn't my fault that he's a little twerp who's far less hot than I am!" said Ziggy.

All he got was a funny look from the other two.

"Well, since I'm kind of trying to destroy the world anyway, it's no skin off my nose which idiot happens to rule it," said Dartz. "Have fun. I'm going to do what I came to do!"

"OH! I'LL HELP! I'LL HELP!" said Pegasus, running after him.

"You can just buzz off," said Dartz. "Ziggy, I hope your conscience tells you what the right thing to do is, and I hope that whatever it is, it doesn't get in my way."

He took his leave, as Pegasus skipped happily behind him. Ziggy just stared at the empty room, absorbing for a little while everything that just happened to him, while listening to the sound of a backhanded slap off of Pegasus's head in the distance. With a small sigh, he turned around and walked away, leaving the ruined room behind him to go off and collect his thoughts.

"Seriously, no one's going to untie me, are they?" asked poor Tish, who was still sitting on the floor.

---ooo---

"YES! WE FINALLY GET SOME PAGE TIME!" said Ryo.

"I'm ready for my closeup!" said Fubuki, slamming more powder on his face, and reaching into his left chest pocket to pull out some more lipstick.

"Oh…hey guys, about this whole scene," said Shri, walking back into the scene for the few remaining girly men who didn't go back to more important scenes. "We decided that since Tea is back and this whole thing was kind of stupid anyway, we're just going to cut it."

They all stared at her.

"What's with that look?" asked Shri.

---ooo---

Seto was walking on legs that felt they were made out of noodles, as Bianca continued to happily hug the vending machine. His movements were almost robotic, as if something else had gained control of his body and soul (which was additionally reinforced by the extremely glazed look in his eye). He stared at the Bianca for a moment…

"I CAN'T DO IT!" he screamed.

"Look, are you going to ask her out, or are you going to stand there like an idiot?" asked Bluesy.

Seto just stared.

"Let me rephrase that," said Bluesy. "TELL HER YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER, OR I'LL GIVE YOU THE WORST FRICTION BURN OF YOUR LIFE!"

"Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!" yelled Seto angrily, shooting an ineffective death glare at Blusey, who just mearly absorbed it in his soft, fluffy fabric and remained oblivious. "Um…hi…Bianca…you…probably don't-I CAN'T DO THIS!"

"KEEP GOING!" yelled Snuggles.

"YOYPROBABLYDON'TREMEMBERMEBUT…" Seto started, much too fast. "I'm…Seto…and…I kinda…can I stop now?"

"No," said Snuggles.

"Had a crush on you!" finished Seto, to Bianca's back. "I hate…to sound shallow…and jerkish but…I'd really like to get to know you better…as a person…I don't think it's fair that I should just admire you from a distance…I want to know more about…your life, you know? And how…"

Silence. Then, Bianaca turned around, and Seto's body suffered a violent wobble.

"HI KOREAN KID!" said Bianca. "Hey, how long have you been here?"

"Uh…uh…" said Seto, looking like his lungs were going to collapse at any minute.

"SAY IT!" commanded Snuggles.

"WANNA GO TO DINNER!" yelled Seto at the top of his lungs.

"Sure!" said Bianca, at the exact same time Seto fell backwards and collapse on the floor.

---ooo---

Ha ha ha…HAPPY THIRTIETH CHAPTER!

Next time, Marik goes out to search for inspiration for a brand new plan, we finally see what's been going on with the Sohma's, and THE RETURN OF THE HAPPY CHORUS! What fresh horrors shall ensure? See you next time!


	31. Love At First Sight

If you have any questions or comments…SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT!

Alright people, we are officially in the home stretch. Yes, we are slowly drawing closer to the end…SOB! Boy, the 'School' thing took a long, looooooooong time. In fact, this entire story has ended up to be twice as long as I thought it was going to be.

Also, this is sort of like the last chapter that we'll see a lot of these characters for awhile, so once again…we'll she very little of Marik and Odion. Terrible! Anyway, here we go.

**Chapter Thirty One**

**LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT**

_In which we see everyone other than Marik and Odion for the last time until some unknown period in the future_

"Stupid Rope…" said Tish, kicking the knot of rope to one side, slowly walking out from the room that only a few minutes before she'd been held captive into the dark hallway. "Well, this mission's been a complete failure. I come here to crack down on Marik, and I get sucked into a plot line that twists so much, it resembles a snake on cold medicine."

"We're…ALIVE!" screamed Shou, feeling the freedom of being in an atmosphere that wasn't pink, and the freedom of having his actual name. "OH MY GOD! THIS IS GREAT! I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE EVERYONE!"

"Yeah, except this mission is a complete failure," said Asuka. "We come to stop the evil from resurrecting. It did. We then try to stop dubbers from taking over the school. They did. So really, we have nothing to show for ourselves except the fat that we have been sucked into a plot line that twists so much, it resembles a-"

"-snake on cold medicine?" asked Tish, walking into the scene.

"Took the words right out of my mouth," said Asuka, getting up and massaging the back of her head. "Great…well, at least the dubbers are gone."

"Actually, they're just regrouping," said Tish. "I got caught in an angsty monologue, and it turns out that they're going to take over the world."

Silence.

"No amount of sarcasm can possibly portray how much I wish that the world was an actual person so I can strange it, beat it senseless, and do incredibly rude things to its limp, lifeless body," said Asuka.

"It doesn't help that team DT's missing and Fubuki's probably running wild somewhere," said Shou.

"Don't remind me," said Asuka. "Our life is just like a bottomless pit of 'and by the ways'. This mission was a complete flop. HQ's going to be on my rear for an indefinite amount of time. I wouldn't be overly surprised if we got so demoted that most janitors are above us in status."

"Same here," said Tish. "I came here to arrest a guy, and I end up getting sucked into a plot line, fighting ninjas, losing my partner, and beating up a guy and stuffing him in a closet," said Tish. "What's worse is that I don't even have a _clue _where Marik is."

"Oh, he just came by here," said Asuka. "He and his insane henchmen left, saying something about sobbing in a corner at the top of his lungs with Red Dwarf, and Ebony Crow said something about planting flowers in the memorial garden."

"Really?" said Tish. "Well, this could actually save my rear. Thanks!"

"Wait," said Shou. "Hey, if you could, could you stick around and give us a hand? We're kind of in a mess."

"Sorry, I've got my own problems at the moment," said Tish. "Just…just give me a few minutes, I'll catch up with you, okay?"

With that, she ran down the hallway at full speed, seeing if there was any way she could catch up with Marik. Asuka just sighed, brushed herself out, and began using her intense powers of a sane mind to think up a plan to somehow turn the tables on everything.

"So anyway…now what?" asked Shou.

"Well...I suppose the big priority is stopping the dubbers," said Asuka. "They have the evil, power, and random weaponry that envies the power of the evil one herself…what would you estimate the numbers are Shou?"

"A MILLION BAZILLION TO ONE!" said Shou with a salute.

"Then we're obviously either going to need a weapon of ultimate destruction, or some sort of horror that could be used to counter a massive amount of insane evil…"

Silence.

"THE EXECUTIONERS AX!" said Asuka.

"THE HAPPY CHORUS!" said Shou.

Silence.

"Okay, I'll hunt down the portable weapon of frigheteningly amusing amounts of destruction, you hunt down the happy chorus!" said Asuka. "Meet me in front of the school in oh-one hundred hours. And Shou…"

"Yeah?" asked Shou, about to turn around.

"Don't screw up," said Asuka firmly.

---ooo---

"NOOOOBODY KNOOOOOOWS HOW DRYYYYYYY I AAAAAAAAM…oh, wait, that's not a prison song," said Mobster, tapping her fingers against the bars of the cell. "Darn…I don't know any good prison songs. Drinking songs, graduation songs, breakup songs, songs that you sing when your in love with homicidal maniacs…I guess people sing, like, gospel songs or something."

Silence.

"I wonder if Sarah McGlaclin Songs count…" she said.

Ryou slowly dragged himself back into the prison cell with an extremely peeved look on his face, plopping himself down into a corner, with a look in his eye that he usually reserved for killing people at twenty paces. He just sighed and waited for it. He know she was going to say it. Wait for it…wait for it…

"Where the heck have you been fatso?" asked Mobster.

"Here and there," he muttered darkly.

"Don't care," she replied. "Hey, you know any gospel songs?"

"I know an old folk song that consists of ten thousand solid measures of nothing but rests," said Ryou. "Know it?"

"What?" asked Mobster.

"Thought so," said Ryou.

Mobster just tapped her finger against her head, desperately trying to remember all the words of 'Inna Gada Davida'. For a moment, the room gently echoed with the frantic barking off all the pound animals.

"Have I mentioned how utterly comforting it is to vent out my anger and frustration by indirectly insulting you or using phrases that don't register in your vocabulary?" asked Ryou.

"Huh?" asked Mobster.

"Ssh," said Ryou suddenly, putting a finger to his ear. He heard something in the distance…something that was heading this way.

"Don't you shush me fat kid!" said Mobster angrily. "Figures, you think you can just go shushing me when I'm just wondering what the heck you said!"

"Something's coming…" sad Ryou.

_Their voices like the sirens of death…_

"-my god, you're like, the most annoying person alive!" said Mobster. "Always acting stupid…impeding my street cred…"

…_they have no souls, nor will…_

"Boy, do I wish the guys were here," said Mobster. "And…ice cream! I really wish we had some ice cream here! Especially Cookies and Cream!"

…_they have become lost in the crevices of time, never to find their way out…_

"Come to think of it…really, why did they choose _Oreo _cookies to be the crumbly bits in Cookies and Cream?" thought Mobster. "There are about a zillion varieties of cookies in the world…pecan…butterscotch…peanut butter…"

…_with only enough will left in their soulless corpses to do as their most primal, inhuman instincts enjoin…nothing more…nothing less…_

"Those voices…" Ryou said, as the rumbling grew louder, causing the little bits of stone on the floor began to vibrate wildly.

"And why don't other cookies try to get their own ice cream flavor seeing how popular cookie dough and cookies'n'cream have become?" asked Mobster. "I mean, how come Toll House hasn't tried to get in on the action? Or Keebler House…and come to think of it, how come all those cookie companies end their names with 'house'? Is it like a-"

"GET DOWN!" yelled Ryou, grabbing Mobster by the wrist and throwing both of them flat against the wall. He didn't do it a moment too soon, because the wall that she stood right in front of only a moment before suddenly exploded, causing the entire cell to be consumed in a cloud of rubbled. Running through it were a very sick mix of people wearing t-shirts and pants, cosplayers, and just plain loonies.

"AXEL SELF DESTRUCTED!"

"A BEAUTIFUL COMBINATION OF TEAR-FILLED, DEEP PASSION, AND UTTER CHEEPNESS!"

"WHOOOOOOOAH THE FINAL BOSS IS LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAR-"

"I WANT TO MARY MEGA BUFF RIKU!"

"AXEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"

"Some idiot must have summoned a hoard or Kingdom Hearts II Fans!" yelled Ryou over the din in horror.

"How unprofessional!" yelled Mobster back.

"Oh my God! They're using the unbridled power of a KH2 driven frenzy to smash the bars using nothing but their own bodies!" said Ryou, saving the author the trouble of describing the scene. "Wow…that's creepy."

With that, the bars to the pen door exploded, and the cries of cats and dogs were completely drowned out by the sounds of pounding, rubber-bottemed sneakers and rants screamed at incredibly loud volumes as the fans stampeded through the SPCA.

"…I'm going to be so mad if they blame us for this…" said Ryou, looking at the room, which was now just a huge pile of plaster, metal, and a few panes of glass that were shattered on the ground.

"HEY! NOW THAT THE TROUBLESOME WALL HAS BEEN DESTROYED, WE CAN NOW ESCAPE TO FREEDOM!" said Mobster, pointing out to the huge hole that once was a supporting wall. "At last! I knew standing around and doing nothing would eventually reward us in the end!"

"I don't quite get your logic, but sure," said Ryou.

"FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" yelled Mobster, bounding about five steps until she was on the sidewalk, Ryou taking his sweet time following her up. "At last! The air echoes with the sounds of freedom! The grass is the color of freedom! The sky is…something related to freedom! At last! LIBERATION!"

"Great," said Ryou. "Now, just a suggestion, but I really think we should try to find a way to get back to the group without getting ourselves arrested three times in a row."

"Oh please!" said Mobster, waving her hand. "As if we have anything to worry about! We're free, the cops are probably off our case by now, and even if those freaks at the SPCA tried to throw us back in jail, they can't, because it's nothing but a pile or rocks!"

"I can't help but feel like this entire area is very prone to violent, cruel irony," said Ryou. "Just to be on the safe side, I think it would be a good idea to-"

"NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION FAT KID!" yelled Mobster.

"Yeah, that's them alright," said a very short, huge-eyed boy with curly blonde hair. "Ryou Marafuji. He's one of the guys Tenjoin listed on his 'My Space' buddies list. Huh, don't know who the girl is though."

"We got a conformation," said a girl sitting next to him in the cop car, also with dark brown eyes, but also with long, brown, almost black hair. "Mobster. She's working with the replacements for DT, a team that died a couple of years ago with no one noticing until recently."

"Right. There the ones we're looking for," said the boy.

"Indeed," said the girl. "Proceed with the arrest."

---ooo---

"And this is one of the many school campuses that have been prone to an unknown meteorological disease which most people refer to as 'weird'," said a newscaster in front of the school alley near a huge row of garbage bins. "In this particular alley that we will now do a long, strenuous, and horribly portrayed news documentary on, there has been a bizarre tendency for certain people to have large musical instruments dropped on their-"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

"HAPPY CHORUS!" cried Shou, wandering through the masses of garbage bins, completely ignoring the fact that there was a madly twitching man that was being crushed by a grand piano. "WHERE ARE YOU! HAPPY CHORUS!"

He looked all around the alley, still ignoring the twitching newscaster, as the camera man walked over and began to see how much money he had on him.

"They must be in one of those huge garbage bins!" said Shou, walking over to the dumpsters, which in their better days, were a bright, rich green, but were now covered so thoroughly in slime, bacteria colonies, and other unpleasant entities that it was now more of a dull, green-gray. He walked up to one of them, and gave them a firm hammering with his fist on one of them, pressing his ear up to it, and listening for any sounds coming from within it. Having no luck, he walked up to the next one.

"HAPPY CHO-" he started, but the second that he did, a tall, dingy looking female threw open the lid to the dumpster and popped out. She looked to be in her forties, but due to the fact that she lost all her teeth, her hair was a rats nest, and her clothes were more reminiscent of the sickest, saddest, greasiest weasels that ever graced God's good earth, the runts of their sick, sad, greasy litters, that had all came to this woman and decided to die in a particular formation that resembled a coat, she looked much, much older.

It was love at first sight.

---ooo---

"Okay…if memory serves…the last time that I saw the Executioners Ax…it was somewhere near that one classroom with the deranged court case," said Asuka, walking up the stairs. "Yeah…my memory is kind of blurry after being thrown out of third story windows, putting out fires, being turned into a five year old, getting sucked into dub land…"

"IT'S COMING TO KILL UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!" screamed a bunch of boys running down the hallway, as Asuka had to step back to avoid getting trampled by a hoard of idiots.

"HE'S GONE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" screamed another.

"…Fubuki?" asked Asuka.

"IT'S LEONARDO DAVINCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

WoOoOoOoOoOoOoO-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Asuka couldn't help but cry out in horror as a huge beam of proton energy nearly blaster her arm off, as more screams echoed down the hallway. The second she turned to look at the source, there indeed was Leonardo Da Vinchi, except he was dressed like someone from 'The Terminator', with a long trench coat, skin-tight gloves, and a metal eye patch that made him look like a cross between a human, a robot, and a homicidal maniac.

And he was holding the Executioners Ax.

"Of course…of course…" said Asuka, slapping her head into her hand. "Okay Leonardo, game over. You've been dead for more than half a millennium. You're not a kid anymore. It's technically impossible that you can even hold that thing, considering that you are dead, and by the laws of decomposition, your body has been destroyed about four hundred years ago."

"No it hasn't!" said Leonardo.

"Look, I know this whole 'Da Vinchi Code' thing has really been putting a swing in your step, but seriously, YOU ARE DEAD!" said Asuka.

"Am not!" said Leonardo. "I am…THE TERMINATOR!"

"Give me the Executioner's Ax," said Asuka.

"What, this thing?" asked Leonardo. "Why the heck do you call it 'The Executioner's Ax?"

"Other than it's a miracle that a bunch of people _aren't _dead after all of this random violence?" asked Asuka.

"NEVER!" said Leo, pointing the huge cannon right at Asuka. "YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY THIS TOOL OF MINDLESS CHAOS FROM MY COLD, DEAD-"

---ooo---

"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen…" said Leo, walking down the hallway, counting crisp new bills as Asuka totted the Executioner's Ax off the scene.

---ooo---

"Wow…the fans completely destroyed the bus…" said Tohru in disbelief, staring at the twisted heap of mental that lay on the ground that used to be a mass transportation vehicle.

"That is why it is dangerous to summon such a grave power…" said Yuki solemnly.

"Shut up Rat," said Kyo.

"WOOT! That was totally cool!" said Fubuki, as ASV and Double S's eyes were both twitching in horror. "DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!"

"Fubuki, you don't live near any mercury plants, do you?" asked Kisa.

"Okay, next problem," said ASV. "We're still need to get to the school, and we currently don't have a ride, or for that matter, any random henchmen we can ride all the way to the school and slam into a telephone pole."

"Whoa," said Tohru.

Silence.

"So…now what?" said Kisa.

Silence.

"Maybe we should try to hail a taxi?" asked Double S.

"No, that wouldn't work," said Fubuki. "I read somewhere that people who hail taxis suffer violent deaths attributed to steam rollers, and people who do send this letter to ten other people usually get a raise…wait, that's not right…okay, there was one story about a woman who tried to hail a taxi and she walked into a bar…no, that was that joke I heard on Comedy Central last night…"

"Maybe we should just hitch hike?" asked Tohru.

"I doubt many cars can maneuver around a huge, destroyed carcass of a bus," said Yuki.

"Hey! Look! I see a car heading toward us right now!" said Kisa.

"Two prison breakouts, destroying a highway using nothing but a beat up jalopy, eluding a police arrest, using an unlicensed duck…my my," said the girl, flipping through the file. "My congratulations…I have never seen quite an impressive record in the span of a few hours…"

"I blame my upbringing and the media," said Ryou, sitting in the back of the car, firmly handcuffed next to Mobster.

"I blame him," said Mobster, also handcuffed, except hers were fuzzy and pink.

"Well, I'm sure we'll get a firm enough explanation out of all of you when we take you downtown to…what the…" said the boy, staring down the road.

There was the most horrifying sight anyone had ever seen. Kyo had somehow managed to roll up his pant leg all the way to the top, revealing a very long, very hairy leg that he stuck out into the road, a cheesecake smile plastered onto his face.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ONE OF THE SOHMA BOIZ!" screamed the girl. "Pull over man, we need to stop him!"

"IT'S WORKING!" said Tohru. "Their stopping!"

"Okay…it was a man, and a woman…and a…cat? No, it wasn't a cat…" said Fubuki, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"FREEZE SCUM!" screamed the boy, as he and the girl jumped out of the car, toting a pair of hand held water guns at the gang as soon as the car came to a halt. "DON'T ANY OF YOU MOVES, OR I'LL MAKE YOU ALL WET AND YUCKY!"

"WET AND YUCKY!" cried Yuki, as all four of the Sohma's shot their hands up in the air.

"Wait, hang on!" said ASV.

"SHUT UP YOU!" said the girl.

"Who do you serve?" called Double S.

"We're with STUPID," said the guy. "We're working under the SMCD, the Shojo-Manga Character Division. And we've been after this little group for quite awhile now…"

"What do you mean?" asked Double S.

"I'm Kagura Sohma, and he's Momiji Sohma," said Kagura. "We're here to stop these two gangs from blowing themselves into oblivion, and taking the whole world with them!"

"Chill out!" said Kisa. "We're under a truce! We're here to help Fubuki stop a group of Dubbers, and we need to get to the school to do it!"

"DUBBERS!" screamed Momiji in horror. "SAY NO MORE! All of you, get into the car! We'll get you to the school in no time!"

"But I don't think that will fit all of us…" said Tohru.

"Don't be ridiculous, there's plenty of room!" said Kagura. "Now all of you, get into the car."

"MOBSTER! There you are!" said ASV, staring in the window, already heading to the car when it was ordered to be so. "What the heck are you doing in there!"

"I got arrested…again!" said Mobster, holding up her hands. "Look! HANDCUFFS!"

"Ooooh," said ASV, and Double S, who had just gotten up next to the car, as Ryou just shook his head and sighed.

---ooo---

"Okay, so there was a girl, a guy…a pony…" Fubuki rambled.

"Honestly, could you stop talking?" asked Yuki, as seven people somehow managed to cram themselves very uncomfortably in the back seat. "It's digging into my hip."

"Hey, where's Ryou?" asked Fubuki.

"We strapped him to the roof!" said Mobster cheerfully.

"Why does it seem that the world just loves to watch me suffer?" asked Ryou to himself, as he gripped himself tightly to the roof the car, not trusting the Granny Knot that was tied to support him.

---ooo---

"Shou! I did it!" said Asuka, running toward the alley, hopping over the squished man and the piano. "You won't believe this but-"

Asuka stopped in mid-sentence. All she could see was a huge note that was spray painted across one of the dumpsters in huge, red letters-

_Gone to get married to Darlene the Hobo in Vegas. Don't wait up._

_-Shou_

"SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" screamed Asuka.

---ooo---

"Stop crying already Marik," said Odion, as Marik sobbed pathetically near the tree, though he didn't put a lot of feeling into it, because he was absentmindedly breezing through a mail-order catalog.

"No…no…I didn't get the puzzle…no…" said Marik. "I'm out of ideas…Yugi's gone…don't know what to do…feeling dizzy…ach…"

"HI THERE!"

Marik turned to see where the sudden, cheery voice came from, turning to see…a television. I'm sure that you can all see where this is going.

"Are you stupid?" asked a huge, grinning salesperson on TV.

"…yes…" said Marik.

"Do you have no individuality whatsoever?" asked the salesperson.

"Uh huh…" said Marik.

"Do you have a bizarre need to wear ladies underwear?" asked the salesperson.

"Yeah," said Marik.

"Are you severely physical and emotionally scarred for no good reason besides the fact that you get bored and attempt to hurt yourselves in various ways?" asked the salesperson.

"OH MY RA! THIS IS TOTALLY ME!" said Marik.

"Do you have a wart on your butt?" asked the salesperson.

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!" said Marik.

"Do you have a whole lot of money that can be easily stolen and get claimed that it's lost?" asked the man.

"TALK TO ME TV!" said Marik.

"Then you need to come to the Mystic Caves of Inanity!" said the salesperson, as a picture of a dark and scary looking cave appeared on the TV screen. "For more information, call the number on your screen!"

"ODION! I NEED TO WRITE ON YOUR BALD HEAD!" said Marik.

"YOU KNOW I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT!" said Odion.

---ooo---

Next time…INSANITY! See you then!


	32. Dame With A Bat

"_A light heart lives long."_

_-William Shakespeare_

Remember way back when, to a time the opening thing was supposed to be a piece of witty, wisdom-filled advice?

No, I can't either.

Okay, I seriously need to get motivated. I haven't touched my RPGs in days, not to mention that I haven't answered any of your reviews for the past…what…two weeks? Ugh…I'm awful! Don't worry, I'll get it all done…somehow…

**Chapter Thirty Two**

**DAME WITH A BAT**

_In which a phone explodes_

_Theorem 12-14: An angle consisting of two tangents, two secants, or a tangent and a secant, is equal to exactly half of the smaller arc that the two intersect subtracted from the larger one._

"No…that's not it…hang on…"

_Theorem 7-9: If two lines intersect the opposite points or a kite, then the angles formed will all be right._

"Gah…darnit…that's not it either…"

_Theorem 4-11: If two parallel lines are intersected by another, then the interior angles on the same side will be supplementary._

"THAT'S NOT IT EITHER!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, throwing the innocent geometry book that he was combing through as best as his attention span deprived little brain could handle over his shoulder and out the glass window of the small house in the suburbs, causing it to crack the skull of several idiots who the author happens to know who have severely annoyed the author on that particular day, causing them all to receive minor injuries.

"ODION! WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST?" asked Marik, pointing at poor Odion, who just happened to be walking by the room. Odion could tell by the shattered window and a few shards of glass that fell out of the pane and onto the floor that Marik was having one of his 'hormone' moments.

"I hope you don't expect me to clean this up," said Odion, which of course, he did.

"WHAT IS THE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER TRUST!" Marik continued to rant.

"Politicians? Church leaders? Artificially flavored cereals?" asked Odion.

"Well…you should never trust any of them…except…" said Marik, pulling up a box of Cocoa Pebbles from between the couch cussions, giving it a huge hug, and shoving it back in. "But there is one thing that you should NEVER EVER trust…and that is…MATH!"

---ooo---

"HE LIES FOOLS!" screamed the M4THL33TZ, who were being questioned in a government facility that's wicked top secret, and with government laws that regulate that we can't describe it's location for the safety of it's clients and staff.

Despite how much we'd like to.

---ooo---

"Oh, because heaven knows math has never benefited us in real life," said Odion.

"EXACTLY!" said Marik. "I mean, when are we going to use this stuff in real life? Are we just suddenly going to be walking down the road, and get mauled by some circle because it's circumscribed or whatever! IT MAKES NO SENSE! Plus it does nothing to aid us in our modern day life styles! It won't even tell us how to type in the letters onto phones!"

"Excuse me?" asked Odion.

"Yeah!" said Marik. "The phone number for those 'Caves of Insanity' thing was '1-800-MONKEYS', and guess what? THE PHONE ONLY HAS NUMBERS ON IT!"

"The keys are lettered Marik," said Odion.

"What?" asked Marik.

"The keys. They're lettered," said Odion, pointing to the telephone dial.

"NO THEY AREN'T!" said Marik. "I already checked it, and all it has is numbers!"

"The little letters NEXT TO the keys Marik," sad Odion, pulling over the portable phone next to Marik. "See? These ones right here? Like 'M' is next to the six, so you press six. So 'Monkeys', when numbered out, actually is 666-5397."

Marik stared at the phone for awhile.

"No way…" said Marik. "THAT'S SO BRILLANTLY COOL! How did you figure all of that out Odion?"

"It's kinda obvious…" said Odion. "I mean…what did you think it was for?"

"I thought it was to help you remember the alphabet when you were talking on the phone for people who aren't good at multitasking!" said Marik.

"…that's somewhere in your thought process, so I'll let it go…" said Odion. "Still…here."

He quickly dialed the phone number onto the key pad, then handed the phone to a stunned Marik, who just stared at it for a few seconds. He then slowly pressed it to his ear and listened to the ring tone.

"Hello!" said a friendly, yet blankly robotic sounding female voice. "Welcome to the Caves of Insanity automated service! Please tell us your name!"

"MARIIIIIIIIIIIK!" yelled Marik.

"Hello-MARIIIIIIIIIIIK!" said the voice. "Please enter your IQ, and then press the star key!"

Marik counted on his fingers for a brief second…did a little math in his head…and then pressed '8' on the dial. He then just stared blankly at the keys, eyes almost glazed over.

"Please enter your IQ, and then press the star key!" the voice repeated.

Marik continued to do nothing but stare at the dial in a look of both awe and confussion.

"Please enter you IQ, and then press the star key!" the voice repeated.

"The…star key?" asked Marik.

"Yes, the star key!" said the voice.

"I…" Marik said, staring at the phone.

"Please enter your IQ, and press the star key!" said the voice.

"I don't know…what the star key is…" said Marik.

"Are you serious?" the voice asked.

"Yes Ms. Voice Recording, ma'am," said Marik.

"Massive amount of idiocy detecting!" said the robotically happy voice. "Commencing self detonation!"

"What does self-detonation mean?" asked Marik.

"Have a nice day!"

BAM!

With that, the telephone completely exploded in Marik's face, consuming the room in a huge cloud of black smoke, completely obscuring Marik's view, causing him to cough and sputter madly, waving smoke out of his face.

"MARIK!" yelled Odion. "WHY IS THE PHONE JACK A SMOULDERING CRATER?"

"Can we…take a quick trip to Radio Shack?" asked Marik, as the smoke detector went off.

---ooo---

"Alas, poor Marik, his telephone defiled, shattered beyond repair, now suffers the ultimate fate of death," said a seventeenth-century dressed narrator, equipped with poofy pants, tights, an old English accent, and a feather pen, sitting behind a desk in a well stocked library, complete with a heartily crackling fire. "Yea, he doth suffer from such travesty, and thus must sally forth into yonder world to find a telephone worthy of serving in the stead of one who has passed beyond heavens gate! May his quest be light and merry, for if he doth fail, then a fate far worse than death and rotting in Satan's filth awaits yon soul! Wish him well, good viewer…wish him well…"

With that, he keeled over.

---ooo---

"You know, I really hate going to the shops on a Friday…" said Odion angrily, tapping his finger on the steering wheel of the car, as he carefully tried to maneuver through all the other cars that darted in and out of the roadway spots.

"OH! THERE'S A SPOT! THERE'S A SPOT!" screamed Marik, pointing to an unoccupied parking spot.

"That's disabled parking Marik, if we go in it, we're breaking the law," said Odion.

"WORTHLESS CRIPPLES WHO DON'T BENEFIT SOCIETY!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs out the car window, as his face got rearranged by a flying wheelchair.

"Whoa, that Steven Hawking has quite an arm," said Odion, pulling into an empty spot, as Marik continued to writhe and cringe on the car floor. "Oh, stop being a drama queen. After that little comment, you deserved it."

"I GOT A BOO-BOO ON MY HEAD!" yelled Marik, as Odion just unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door.

"HI KIDS!" said a guy dressed in a huge, uncomfortable looking costume which took the shape of a large radio.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Marik, ripping off his seatbelt like a wild animal, leaping across the car, stepping on Odion's body, and charging out of it at full speed, running down the road like a homicidal maniac. "IT'S ONE OF SET'S MINIONS SPAWNED TO SEND US TO THE ABYYYYYYYYYSS!"

"Someone's really got to teach that kid some self-control," said Odion angrily.

---ooo---

"I WANT THAT ONE!" yelled Marik, pointing to a wireless phone that was bright pink and had purple and yellow flowers spangling all over the phone jack.

"No," said Odion, flatly, slowly crusing through all the wireless phones in the aisle, occasionally stopping to get a closer look at one, unlike Marik, who stopped to gawk at every single thing on the shelf that was large enough to be scene with the naked eye.

"ODION! THIS PHONE'S IN THE SHAPE OF A CAT!" yelled Marik, bouncing up and down eagerly in front of a phone that took the shape of a cat's mouth and that was wide open with huge fangs coming out of it's chubby kitty cheeks, the phone in the shape of a huge bug that had a very amusing look on it's face that seemed to be a cross between disgust, panic, and utter sadness at the fact that it was about to be eaten by a cat.

"Marik, we're looking for a phone that was exactly like our old one," said Odion, looking at one that closely resembled the gray and black wireless phone that they had before.

"BUT I HATED OUR OLD ONE!" said Marik, stuffing the cat phone under his jacket. "It was boring! And evil!"

"Evil?" asked Odion.

"Yeah!" said Marik. "From day one, it was out to kill me!"

"Uh…huh…" said Odion.

"Remember that one time that I nearly got electrocuted to death using the stupid thing?" yelled Marik.

"When you watched the last Harry Potter movie, and you though that the dial tone whenever we tried to use the phone was actually a bunch of merepeople talking, so you filled up the bathtub, and stuck the phone in the water while sticking your head in it too?" asked Odion.

"STUPID PHONE!" said Marik. "Now I have a paranoid fear of bath tubs!"

"Good for you," said Odion, picking up the black and gray phone and popping it in the cart. "Now come on, let's go pay for this, which of course, translates to me paying it with my own spending money."

"That's the spirit Odion!" said Marik, happily skipping behind a depressed Odion, who dragged the cart down the isle to the front of the store, which was lined with the usually number of check-out counters.

"Are you sure that their council hasn't replied to the letter that we sent?" asked one of the incredibly sophisticated invaders from the Planet Nor in the Arterial Galaxy.

"No, so far, we haven't had any response!" said another one. "And we used the nice stationary on them too!"

"Jerks," said another.

"NEVER MIND!" said the first one. "We cannot lose sight of our goal! We must charge foreword so that we may take control of this feeble world utterly!"

"HEY YOU STINKIN' ALIENS!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, causing a family of seven foot eleven aliens from Zyroma, a young couple of ten-eyed, nine footed, blue stomached Algernites for Twuznatuur, and an elderly Goronospite (a cross between a Goronac, an Androspite, and a poodle) from the Q'arut galaxy all turned up to give Marik a look. "THIS IS CALLED THE EXPRESS LANE FOR A REASON YOU KNOW! GET YOUR LAZY BUTTS IN GEAR AND PAY FOR YOUR STUFF ALREADY!"

All three of the invaders pointed a ray-gun at Marik's feeble brain.

"Please don't," said Odion. "He may look like a brazen, annoying, pathetic, slobbering git, but he's actually…uh…"

Silence.

"Just don't barbeque him, that's all I'm asking," said Odion, as the head alien took the receipt from the cash register lady and walked off, jerking his head, indicating the other two to follow him.

"Just one please," said Odion, putting the box that contained the wireless phone on the conveyer belt, though he then cringed for a second to see that the check out lady was actually a bent-over, wrinkled, scary looking old woman with electric blue hair, what appeared to be a sever overbite or fangs, and an eye patch.

"WHAT!" she screamed.

"Just…one please!" said Odion, trying to say it a little louder, without sounding impolite. The old lady just stared at him…then her eyes fell to the box on the belt…then they went back up to him…then they fell back on the box. This pattern continued, until Odion sighed and shook his head, angry that this was going to need to be solved by a very loud explanation.

"I SAID-" Odion said, at a moderately loud volume.

"PHONE!" she screamed, pointing to the phone on the conveyer belt.

"Yes?" said Odion.

"Why does anyone in their right mind use a PHONE!" yelled the old woman. "Everyone knows that phones are the tools…OF THE DEMON KING!"

"Finally…someone who understands…" said Marik, his eyes welling up with tears.

"Demon King…yeah…" said Odion. "Alright, can I have this checked out?"

"YOU SHALL FACE NOTHING BUT SUFFERING IF YOU BUY THAT TELEPHONE!" yelled the woman. "NOTHING! NOTHING BUT SUFFERING! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING!"

"That's wonderful…now just check us out already," said Odion.

"I WANNA CALL MY PHONE NUMBER!" said Marik, banging the conveyer belt angrily, smashing through it entirely, causing him to electrocute himself.

"Don't encourage her Marik!" said Odion, as Marik was twitching like a madman. "She'll never check us out!"

Suddenly, the woman gasped in horror.

"What…number…" she asked, as Odion, ripped Marik's hand out of the electric current.

"I accept your nomination for the supreme Overlord and Opressive Dictator of Munchkin Land…" Marik muttered, his head spinning.

"WHAT NUMBER!" screamed the old woman.

"1-800-MONKEYS," said Odion.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The old woman then let out the most deranged, horrified shriek that man kind had ever known, causing there to be a sudden need for the camera needing to scroll distantly away from the old woman to the ceiling, and eventually to outside the building, and eventually outside of the town, then eventually so far away that all that was left was a shot of planet earth (like in those movies). The cry was so high pitched, so sinister, that it shattered every glass item in a seventeen mile radius.

"NOT THAT NUMBER!" screamed the woman. "THAT NUMBER IS PURE EVIL! IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!"

"I will never get a chance to pay for this, will I?" asked Odion.

"YOU ARE FOOL TO BUY A PHONE TO CALL THAT NUMBER!" said the old woman. "My son…my poor son…he called that number…and…they took his soul away! Sucked it right into the telephone! AND NOW I HAVE TO USE HIM AS A COAT HANGER!"

She burst into aggravated tears, pointing to what appeared to be a man who was holding up several coats using nothing but his arms. She then tore off Marik's school jacket, and blew her nose into it.

"Hey, can you take my shirt off too?" asked Marik.

"Ignore him," said Odion, whacking Marik at the back of the head. "Thank you for the…advice? Anyway, we prob-"

"BUT YOU SEEK THE CAVES OF INSANITY, YES!" screamed the woman, pointing a finger at Odion.

"Uh…" said Odion.

"HEED MY WARNING!" said the old woman, well, screamed actually, as she slammed her fist into the cash register, causing it to pop open, revealing a huge, aluminum bat. "GO NOT TO THE CAVES! YOU WILL DIE IF YOU GO ALONE! THEY WILL KILL YOU! ALL OF THEM WILL KILL YOU! RAAAAAAAWR!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" screamed Marik in reply.

"Okay, just smile, nod, and walk away Marik, just smile, nod and walk away…" said Odion, grabbing Marik by the arm and, completely abandoning the box on the check out counter, he turned around and ran away from the crazy old lady as fast as he could, right out the doorway, not looking back even for a second.

---ooo---

"Okay…we got away from her…" said Odion, panting with exhaustion in the car. "Thank Ra…that was crazy…not to mention that this entire trip has been an absolute waste…"

"ODION!" yelled Marik, stabbing him in the side of the head with a pointer finger.

"What?" asked Odion angrily.

"…how come whenever you try to play a video, it's always a zillion times louder than the TV?" asked Marik.

"Because it's stupid, like you," said Odion. "Okay…guess we just-"

"KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!" yelled the old woman, suddenly appearing in the backseat of the car, holding up the huge, aluminum bat, ready to crash it down in a killing blow. Marik screamed like a little girl, and grabbed Odion, using him as a human shield. It worked perfectly, because while Odion got the snot beat out of him by several blows from the bat, Marik remained in perfect physical health (his mental health was beyond repair).

"AH! STOP! STOP!" screamed Odion, his face now covered with bruises-to-be.

"YOU WILL LET ME GUIDE YOU TO THE CAVES OF INSANITY!" yelled the old woman.

"NO!"

BAM!

"DO IT!"

"NO!"

BAM!

"DO IT!"

"Okay! Just don't hit me again!" yelled Odion, making a pathetic attempt to cover his face with his arms. "If you want to lead the way to these stupid caves so darn badly then fine! Be my guest! You know what? I don't care anymore! I am a man in no control of my destiny!"

"Good!" yelled the old woman, sitting in the backseat, snuggling her rear end down so that it was nice and comfortable in the leather seats in the back, cackling with a loony undertone that rivaled Marik's.

Silecne.

"Well?" said the woman. "Are you going to drive or not?"

"Are you going to give directions or not?" asked Odion.

"I'll do it as you go along!" said the old woman.

"Backseat driving…hooray," said Odion dully, shifting the car into drive.

"GO GO GO GO GO GO-" cheered Marik.

"Please stop," said Odion, pulling out of the parking lot, and slowly maneuvering around a few other cars that were looking for places to park.

"Okay, so first you keep-DON'T GO SO FAST DARNIT-to the-HOLY GOD, ARE YOU BLIND-and then you-RIGHT LANE! RIGHT LANE YOU IDIOT!-just go-OH MY GOD! YOU ACTUALLY DID THAT! ARE YOU COMPLETELY STUPID!-take a right about-ARE YOU GOING TO LET THAT CAR GO RIGHT THROUGH YOU OR WHAT!"

"I hate this…" said Odion.

"DARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENE!"

With that, an equally old, nauseating man threw himself on the windshield of the car, his very old, crinkly body covered in flannel and pants pulled up so high that they nearly reached his armpts, with hair in pretty much every crevice of his body (ears, nose, etc.) other than his head. He also wore huge, trifocal glasses.

"GET OFF! I CAN'T SEE!" yelled Odion.

"I KNEW YOU'VE BEEN WITH ANOTHER MAN!" screamed the old man on the windshield.

"BEAT IT ROBERT!" yelled the old lady. "I HATE NO GOOD JERKS LIKE YOU! BESIDES, I KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN SEEING OTHER WOMEN! LIKE MRS. HENDRIK'S GOLDFISH! AND CINDY THE COCKAPOO! I BET YOU'VE EVEN BEEN SEEING THE GARDEN HOSE BEHIND MY BACK!"

"Must…find…good…radio station…" said Marik, flicking through the car dials.

"I CAN'T SEE DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "I CAN'T SE-"

Suddenly, the ears off all were consumed in a massive shriek.

---ooo---

Okay…nothing in that entire chapter made sense.

Next time, Marik and Odion are captured, the oldest and most nauseating love-hate couple dukes it out for Marik's heart (ew), and...what the heck are caniyokasicals? Very disturbing people, that's all I'm saying…will the story ever be the same again? Stay tuned!


	33. A Chapter Divisible By Eleven

_Ways to Destroy a Math Teacher's Self Esteem # 8: Ask to get a drink of water, then go to the bathroom, drop off something at the office, return a book to the library, chat with someone in the hall, and then get a drink of water_

Boy, I love these things.

Anyway, sorry for the lateness. Writers block. It hits you when you need it the least.

**Chapter Thirty Three**

**A CHAPTER NUMBER THAT IS DIVISIBLE BY ELEVEN**

_In which a hillbilly gets eaten by an alligator_

Odion groaned to himself, as his eyes slowly opened, and several unpleasant new elements entered into his system. First and foremost was the massive, throbbing point on his head that made it feel like it was going to explode. Also, he had the also very unpleasant feeling of having now clue what happened between a currently undefined point of time in the past, and this moment. He also was feeling the very sickening sensation of having the blood rushing to his head.

What?

Oh…he just realized…he was upside down.

This sent him to a frantic bought of trying to figure out just where the heck he was. He was in the car, certainly, buckle up, realivly unharmed…but the car was upside down. He didn't know how, but for some reason, the entire car had flipped over, and it was currently balancing on the hood.

"ODION! LOOK! I'M A MONKEY!" said Marik, waving his arms wildly to try to direct Odion's attention toward him, and Odion suddenly found himself overcome by a fresh throb from his head.

"You're…okay?" he asked.

"YEP!" said Marik.

"Not the slightest bit hurt?" asked Odion.

"YEP!" said Marik.

"No broken bones? No concussions? No slipped disks? No hernia? No devastating emotional trauma? Stomach cramps? ANYTHING?" asked Odion.

"Uh uh!" said Marik.

"Not a single injury that has the potential to kill you or cause you to pass out?" asked Odion.

"NOPE!" said Marik. Then he passed out.

"Okay…what happened?" said Odion to himself, as Marik's mouth opened and his tounge lolled out. "Lets see…we went to Radio Shack…Marik got decked by a wheelchair…we got a phone…we were checking out…we met a crazy old lady who-oh Ra…"

"Guh…what happened?" said a wicked-crinkly voice from backseat. "Oh…OH NO! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE SOCIETY OF CRACKER LOVERS HAVEN'T I? LET ME GO! LET ME GO YOU SNACK CRAZED FOOLS!"

"Okay…okay…don't panic…don't panic…" said Odion to himself. "I just have to figure out a way to get down from here…"

"I'M AWAKE!" said Marik, suddenly coming to again. Then he passed out again.

"I'm surprised the car hasn't been turned into a huge ball of melting metal and plastic though…" said Odion. "Doesn't that usually happen to cars that flip over?"

---ooo---

"WHAT YOU IDIOTIC LITTLE BRATS AT HOME DON'T KNOW IS THAT ODION IS ABSOULUTLY RIGHT!" yelled a huge police officer who stood next to a television, chomping into a huge donut at the end of sentences. "My name is Officer Missy! YES I KNOW THAT IT'S A TERRIBLE LAST NAME! Don't you know it! Good God, don't think I enjoy being called 'Missy' day in and day out! Sure, I tried to change it via marriage…but…NOT SAYING THAT I'M A LOSER AROUND WOMEN OR ANYTHING! I don't want any of you yokel idiots to think I'm some kind of hard core, girly loser! Got that?"

Silence.

"I SAID GOT IT?" he yelled. That's when the screen panned up and down, casting the image that it was nodding. "GOOD! Now, as I've pointed out earlier, cars that flip over don't just stand still…THEY TURN INTO HUGE FIREBALLS THAT ARE INCREDIBLY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT! So to make sure that none of you IDIOTS out there think that's its just cool to tip cars over, WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!"

He waited for a moment, after taking a huge chomp into his donut. Nothing happened. He looked around for a moment, then stared back.

"WELL LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO!" he said, this time even louder than before, once again looking at the television screen.

"I SAID TURN ON THE BUTTERCUPING VIDEO!" yelled the cop, as there was a frantic scrambling below the camera view, and the television turned on with a burst of static. "NOW THEN! LETS HAVE A LOOK AT SOME GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING CONTENT, NOW SHALL WE?"

_We apologize (sorta) for interrupting the graphically disturbing yet socially correct material present. While we are fully aware of how dangerous car accidents are, as well as the fact that they are no laughing matter, were are going to assume that none of you are stupid enough to get into one, as well as also assuming that showing such disturbing content will cause you to have flashbacks in the shower, causing you to have severe bouts of angst, which will cause you to done a black trench coat, running around in the street cackling a maniac, and blowing up things with tactical nuclear missiles._

_Oh yeah, and there's the whole stupid content thing for K+ fics._

_Sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you._

"WELL I HOPE THAT LEARNED YOU, YOU STUPID BUNCH OF ACNE RIDDEN ANGST-BUCKETS!" yelled Officer Missy. "So continue watching your stupid fanfics X-Generation FILTH!"

---ooo---

"Okay…" said Odion, uneasily unbuckling the seatbelt gingerly. However, true to his subconscious prediction this caused only more problems, because he dropped like a stone toward where gravity pulled him by the shirt collar…right to the metal bottom.

"OH! MY TURN! MY TURN!" yelled Marik, unbuckling his seatbelt without a second thought, which caused him to fall to the ground full speed, cracking his little skull on Odion's back.

"WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE? NEW YORK?" yelled the woman, unbuckling her seatbelt, but unlike the other two, landed in a wicked cool ninja position on Marik's back, but sense she was wearing relatively sharp heels for an old lady, only caused Marik to shriek in pain. "WHIPPER SNAPPERS! At least you didn't total the car!"

"DARLENE!" yelled the old man who had thrown his body on the window of the car, sticking his especially ugly head through the window.

"HEY! You're the muttonhead who threw himself in front of the car door!" yelled Marik.

"What?" asked the old man.

"Huh?" said Darlene.

"What's going on?" asked the old man.

"Where are we again?" asked Darlene.

"Who are you?"

Odion slapped his head.

"Ah, the mental power of the aging never fails to astound me," he said. "Well, other then the fact that our car's been totaled and we're stuck in an unknown place with a bunch of idiots, no real harm done. Now…where are we?"

He finally got some sort of bearings of his surround to find that he was…in some sort of primitive jungle. It was filled with conifer ferns, steaming mists, and echoing across it at very loud volumes were the calls of birds and various other loud animals.

"Oh…this doesn't look like I-90," he said.

"WELL DUH!" yelled Marik. "We are obviously in an early conifer forest dating back to sometime in the Cretaceous Period, somewhere around 225 Million BCE."

"Marik, we are not in a forest because one, that would be stupid to think that we have suddenly been zapped millions of years in the past, and two, I believe you are referring to the _Triassic _Period," said Odion. "Whatever, we'll just follow our skidmarks, and we'll hit highway eventually."

"YEAH!" said Marik, slamming the upside-down car door open, tripping on the roof, and landing flat on his face in a huge pile of mud.

"What the-" said Odion, looking out from his car door. To his amazement, there weren't any skid marks at all behind the car at all, just grass, bushes, and trees. In fact, save for the huge crater that they were now immersed in, the entire area surround the car was completely undamaged, as if the car had just been dropped there by extra-Earthly means.

"How did this happen?" said Odion. "Nothing! No skid marks, no down tress…nothing! How the heck did that happen?"

_Somewhere on I-90_

Two teenage boys sat in a cat that was pulled over at the side of the road, serving no purpose in the story but for a quick and cheep joke.

"Hey…" said one of them.

"Yeah?" said the other.

Silence.

"Remember, like, that flying car?"

Silence.

"No."

"Whatever," said the first one.

---ooo---

"I DON'T KNOW!" said Marik.

"RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE!" screamed someone from the sidelines, as a result of the sound-effects machine breaking down.

"OH NO! SOMEONE'S COMING THIS WAY!" yelled Marik. "OH MY GOD! CAVEMEN! DINOSAURS! CANNIBALS! DEMOCRATIC ELECTORAL CANIDATES! WE ARE GOING TO DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Don't worry!" said the old man. "I GOT M4D L33T-OOOOOOOW! MY BACK! MY BACK!"

He fell to his knees in pain, screaming at the top of his lungs from the pain that was shooting through his back, rolling on the floor and howling like a madman.

"HEY BILLY-BOB!" yelled a yokel-y sounding voice that came from the bushes. "Them thar sounds lika coupla cultural enthusiasts ifn' I've ever heard summut!"

"'Hain't that the truth!" said another voice. "Lets just have a look at these here po-ten-tyal cultural enthusists!"

Marik was still screaming to the point of wetting his pants in terror at the sight of the people who emerged from the loosely covered field of view. Both of them appeared to be nothing more than (very) simple farmers. One of them was a young woman, dressed in a fading, white and red polka-dotted sundress that was ripped up so that the hemline was far up passed her knees, as well as a very ridiculous looking sun bonnet that had a bunch of rotting wax fruit pinned to the brim, as well as an ornamental dead rat. The other one was wearing overalls that were, in a better time, bright blue, but had now turned an almost camo-colored brown-green, caked with several layers of mud, filth, and various animal droppings, without anything under it that halfway resembled a shirt. He was wearing a straw hat that was just like his sisters, except with a few moldy flowers also thrown into the ensemble. Both of them were wearing huge, dirty working boots, that seemed to have souls made out of nothing but mud.

"Them thars a bit of cultural enthusiasm ifn' I ever did see!" said the male, his humongous Adam's Apple quivering every time he said a word that contained the letter 'r'.

"HOT DANG!" said the girl.

"Em…hi," said Odion. "Yes, I'm sorry, but we've recently got into an accident…a very bizarre, scientifically unexplainable accident. Do you know the way back to I-90?"

"WELL TARNATION!" said the girl, raising her voice to get it over Marik's frantic screaming. "Yew ain't gonna just go away 'hafter being banged up and all, are yeh?"

"THEY'RE MADMEN!" said Marik, as the old man punched him in the stomach, causing him to sink to the ground in absolute pain, whimpering like a sad little boy.

"No, we're fine…well, he's a little sick, but that's besides the point," said Odion. "We don't want to trouble you, so we'll just be on our way-"

"NONSENSE!" said the yokel girl. "YEW AT LEAST GOT TO GO HOME AND HAVE SOME OF MA'S DEE-LISHUS COOKIN' BEFORE WE SEND YEW AWAY AFTER HAVING A MINOR AH-TO-MO-BEEL ACCIDENT!"

"No, that's not really we-" Odion started.

"WILL THERE BE PRUNES!" both of the old-timers screamed, nearly knocking Odion off his feet from the sheer force of their queries.

"Yew bet!" said the boy. "Mama makes the best Prun'n'Polecat pie yew ever did taste! And Momma's baking some fresh fer dinner tonight!"

"But Billy-Bob, I thought we waz gonna take them home so Mama would-" said the girl.

"SHUT UP SHTOOPID!" yelled Billy Bob. "Eh he he…don't listen to Billy-Jane, she's just a MORON!"

"I know!" said Marik. "I have to deal with a bunch of morons every single day of my life! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! Every single time I try to do anything smart, some IDIOT comes along, acts like an IDIOT, does IDIOTIC things, and makes my life MISERABLE! Stupid idiots! They're stupid! All of them! I hate them! HATE THEM!"

"My heart bleeds for you," said Odion.

"SHUT UP IDIOT!" said Marik.

---ooo---

"ODION! LOOK! I BET I CAN STICK MY HEAD IN IT'S MOUTH!" said Marik, cackling like an idiot, indicating a huge alligator with it's mouth wide open, basking in the sun, seemingly uncaring of the world around him. Marik giggled like a pathetic middle schooler, and promptly stuck his head in its jaws.

"You can toy with death latter Marik," said Odion, ripping him away from the huge, angry-looking alligator, just a split second before it's mouth closed down like a clamp.

The four mismatched persons were following the two mismatched wierdos to this house where they could find a little shelter, or at least refresh themselves before pressing on to find the magical place called I-90. However, as they went deeper into this bizarre land, the landscape slowly morphed from a unseasonably warm, tropical forest, to a classic, southern-style swamp.

"Hey, do you have any clue what's going on?" asked the old man to Darlene.

"WHAT?" said Darlene.

"HUH?" said the old man. "Wait…now that I think about it…you look kinda familiar…"

"Yeah…you two…" said Darlene. "Come to think of it…why do whenever I think of you, I want to hurl something heavy out of a seven story window that will be very satisfying when it smashes to little bits on the ground?"

Silence.

"YOU'RE WITH ANOTHER MAN!" yelled the old man.

"NO I'M NOT!" screamed Darlene. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOU, YOU CONTROL FREAK!"

"Well…if you're with another man…then…I WILL BE TOO!" screamed the old man, looking around for the nearest man to fall in love with.

"YOU!" he yelled, grabbing Marik by the throat, then trapping him in a vice-like huge around his neck. "Yes…you are just so cuuuuuuuute!"

"Yeah, but your old, repulsive, ugly, and unsightly!" Marik replied.

"YOU FREAK!" yelled Darlene. "How dare you toy with my emotions? Well…"

She then ran over, shoved the old man aside, then began to tickle Marik under the chin.

"HEY ODION! CHICKS DID ME!" said Marik, waving over to Odion, who was still making an attempt to follow the two yokels.

"Old, senile chicks," said Odion.

"THERE IT IS!" screamed Billy-Jean.

The house that she pointed to needed a dream makeover home edition run-through _very _badly. It looked like a less-popular version of the leaning tower of Pisa. It appeared to be constructed of a combination of wooden planks and pond scum, with great balls of slime oozing through the crevices, as well as hanging off in great, green curtains. The porch, it appeared, had already collapsed, as it looked more like a pile of wood then a set of stars. Amidst this murky horror was the eerie green glow from the overgrowing trees, partnered with the very disturbing sight of alligaters swimming in the waters in the surrounding swampy waters.

"MAMA!" screamed the girl, bouncing up the very fragil looking stairs. However, these stairs, sadly, could not contain her weight, causing them to collapse under her weight, causing several rats to flee from under it. This caused her to teeter over into the water with a scream, as almost immediately afterwards, she was swallowed by an alligator with one gulp.

"NOW WHAT'S ALL THIS CATTERWALLIN' OUT HERE?" screamed a middle aged (woman?) at the top of her lungs, looking like a cross between an old witch and a wall of fat stuffed into a pair of torn overalls. "Y'all doin' somthin' stupid again, I'm guessin'?"

"No Mama," said Billy-Bob. "Billy-Jane just got eaten by a 'gator!"

"Huh…well, I didn't like her much anyway," said Mama. "Right then, y'all come in, and help yerselves to a nice, big slice of possum pie!"

"HEY YOU OLD WITCH!" yelled Marik. "I came here for some good old fashion Prune'n'Polecat pie, and if I ain't gonna get it, THEN I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW!"

"That's what I mean't, yew mono-brain celled yeller bellie!" said the woman, as the now-fat alligator that ate Billy-Jean let out a contented belch. "Good job Billy-Bob, I love it when you bring home the stupid ones!"

"Thanks Ma!" said Billy Bob.

"So anyway, get your carcuses in here!" said the old woman.

The inside of the house was no better than the outside, considering everything was the exact same thing on the inside as it was on the outside. It was filthy, disgusting, and made entirely out of rotting wood and slime. Even the old photos on the wall seemed to have slime springing out of their crevecies.

"Come on, come on, sit yahselves down," said Mama, ushering them over to a set of chairs around the table that looked like they were going to collapse at any second (two out of four did). "Now I bet fancy persons like yerselves from that I-90 thingy must enjoy sitting down for a good piece o'…yew know sir, you like yew really need a bath!"

"Well, I stopped taking showers after I heard that those gosh-darn GERMANS use showers!" said the old man, as everyone quietly scooted away from him.

"Well…I have a bath them, um, Germans don't use in the kitchen if you want to use it," said Mama.

"DON'T MIND IF I DO!" said the old timer, breaking wind rather loudly to finish his sentence, as he headed around the corner of the sitting room and into the kitchen.

"Now then," said the old woman, reaching in a nearby cupboard and pulling out a large rat. "I'm sure yew all wanna get yer pie. But first, how about a little of dat 'light entertainment' that I heard yew city like so much."

"LIGHT ENTERTAINEMENT! HECK YAY!" screamed Marik.

"Yer little monkey friend seems pretty interested in it!" said Mama. "Now then…Billy-Bob, why don't you sing that 'West Side Story' song that everyone likes so much, and I'll just…wash my hands…in the kitchen."

"Really?" said Billy-Bob. "I thought you were going to go and make that old man-"

"YES dear, I'm going to WASH my HANDS!" said Mama.

"…are you doing that 'implying' thing again Mama?" asked Billy-Bob.

"Just sing the stupid song!" said Mama, as she quickly rushed out the room, totting her dead rat, and into the kitchen.

---ooo---

Next time, a sinister plot exposed! Show tunes! Bizarre families! And more! See you!


	34. The Sain Show!

Cows: Don't drink straight from the container.

Wait, what? Finally…SCHOOLS OUT FO SUMMAH! Boy, I really needed it…except now I'm (yikes) taking Drivers Ed and (yikes!) getting a job! I hope…anyway…fun time.

Oh yeah, as to the overwhelming question of 'Did you die and not tell us again?', no I didn't. See all my previous blames of why my chapters are incredibly late, and add in FF dot net was being faulty again.

**Chapter Thirty Four**

**THE SAIN SHOW!**

"Okay…that's enough," said Odion, trying his best to be polite under overwhelming circumstances.

"MY EARS! THEY'RE BLEADING! THEY BLEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!" yelled Marik.

"Shut up moron!" said Odion. "Seriously, it was very nice, but we should-"

"Oh come on!" said the yokel. "One more!"

"No…I don't want you to hurt your voice…" said Odion.

"OR MY BRAIN!" said Marik. "CA-RIMETY! YOU ARE THE WORST SINGER IN THE WORLD! I HAVE HEARD MORE MELODIOUS SOUNDS FROM NAILS BEING DRIVEN UNDER A DOOR! I THINK THE SOUNDWAVES COMING FROM YOUR BLOODY VOICE HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BARBAQUE MY EARDRUMS TO A CRISP!"

"And you lack presentation!" said Darlene, the senile RadioShack clerk.

"Oh, come on now!" said Billy-Bob, standing on a huge stage that seemed to come out of nowhere, complete with huge spotlights and disco balls over it, as he was wearing a sequin shirt and black, skintight leather pants. "If y'all don't like a medly of ABBA's greatest hits, then y'all could just say so!"

"Yes, that's it!" said Odion, still trying desperately to be polite. "That's it exactly! We just don't like ABBA!"

"WELL, I _USED _TO!" yelled Marik, as Odion punched him in the throat.

"Well, how about some 'Hello Dolly?" asked Billy-Bob.

"NO! I mean…I'm not a huge 'Hello Dolly' fan either," said Odion.

"Well, how about some John Lenin?" asked Billy-Bob.

"No…thank you," said Odion.

"Supremes?" asked Billyl-Bob.

"No thank you," said Odion.

"How about some 'Phantom of the Opera'?"

"No thank you."

"'Oklahoma'?"

"No thanks."

"How about some Rage Against the Machine?"

"NO! I mean…no thank you."

"WELL GARWSH!" said Billy-Bob. "What songs do y'all like then?"

"Uh…what ones do you know that involve relative silence?" asked Odion.

"Well…I know a little number from 'I Left My Heart in Saratoga', which involves me doing very little except humming and occasionally saying 'Cherry Pie'-"

"YES!" said Odion. "Yes…that sounds perfect…"

"Odion…" said Marik, pulling on Odion's evil cloak as Billy-Bob began to cue up the mikes.

"What?" asked Odion darkly.

"I don't feel pretty…" said Marik.

"Too bad," said Odion. "I don't feel like talking to a brain-dead fruitcake."

"I want to feel pretty," said Marik.

"I want to be rich, handsome, and famous," said Odion.

"I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs.

"Then go soak your head in hot water! I mean, what do you want me to do about it!" asked Odion.

"Make me pretty!" said Marik.

"I'm a man, not a miracle worker," said Odion, as Billy-Bob began humming at the top of his lungs in a repulsive, nasal-sounding voice that sounded like a cat passing a kidney stone.

"Then where can I find this…_water_ to soak my head in?" asked Marik.

"Usually somewhere there'd be a sink, Holmes," said Odion.

"LIKE A KITCHEN OR SOMETHING!" asked Marik.

"I was thinking more like a bathroom-" said Odion.

"THANKSODIONI'LLBERIGHTBACK!" said Marik, running off and giggling like the little loony he was, as he quickly made a mad dash around singing 'I feel pretty'. After running headfirst into two walls, he eventually dizzily made it to the doorway to the kitchen.

This, however, presented a brand new puzzle that Marik had to counter…how would he get in? He stared at it for a long time, temporarily forgetting the concept of how to use a basic doorknob.

"HI-YAH!" he screamed, and with a wicked cool karate move, slammed a fist right into the doorway, which did absoulutly nothing, except cause a very nasty-sound crack of human bones on contact with a solid oak door, as well as tears to spring up in Marik's eyes.

"You…are…a…MEAN DOOR!" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs, using his bizarre powers as the main character to pull a grenade cannon out of nowhere, and with that, let loose a fury of rapid-fire shots at the door, completely destrying it, until it was nothing more than a pile of dust.

"HASTA LA VISTA BABY!" he screamed triumphantly, pointing at the pile of smouldering dust, cackling like an idiot. However, when he looked up for no reason in particular-

"Oh…my…Ra…"

His jaw dropped when he saw the old man tied up in the way that one would tie up a huge turkey, laying on a silver platter wearing nothing but a pair of stripped boxer-briefs, and an apple that was stuck in his mouth.

"Tarnashon!" yelled Ma, walking back into the general aream, carrying a huge two-pronged fork. "Now where the heck did I put that paprika? Yeh can't make a good roast without-"

Then she spotted Marik, who was gapping in horror at all that he saw, and she sweatdropped. For a moment, the entire room was immersed in silence.

"Em…" she said awkwardly, sheepishly putting the fork behind her back. "I know this looks bad…but…uh…"

"You know, when I try to cook people, Odion calls it morally wrong!" said Marik.

"AH! This…this isn't cooking, I mean…" said Ma, suddenly whipping out the fork. "You didn't see anything girly boy! I'm warning you! You tell anyone about this…_anyone_…you didn't see anything, go it?"

"I didn't?" asked Marik.

"NO!" said Ma.

"Not anything?" asked Marik.

"Not anything!" Ma said.

"Wow! I must _really _be out of it!" said Marik. "I mean, you'd have to be just plain _STUPID _to miss that thing! I mean…hey…wait…what? What am I doing here again? Something about…HEY! I WANT TO GIVE ODION A WEDGIE!"

With that, he turned around cackling like a maniac, as Ma just shook her head in disgust.

"Well, I didn't want to do it yet," she said, pulling out a huge jug of homemade lemonade.

---ooo---

"AND I KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW WITHOUT A DOUBT! MYYY HEART WILL LEAD-ME-THER-ER-ER SOON! AND WE'LL MEET, I KNOW WE'LL MEET, BEYOND THE SHORE-"

"Boy, do I wish I had hair that I could stuff into my ears right now," said Odion, covering his ears as hard as he could to block out the terrible sound. "God…this is worse than when he was singing 'America'…"

"HEY ODION, 'SUP!" said Marik, plopping down in the chair next to Odion.

"Have you succeeded in making yourself pretty?" asked Odion.

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BALD BOY!" said Marik.

"You know…that stupid thing you were ranting about earlier?" asked Odion. "Feeling unpretty and…remember?"

"MY RA ODION, YOU ARE JUST PLAIN INSANE!" said Marik. "Honestly, I don't know where you're getting this utter GARBAGE from, but I have said nothing about being unpretty! I am always pretty! AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN BALD?"

"Just how hard did you hit your head against that windshield?" asked Odion, just as the disgusting warbling of Billy-Bob.

"And now…" said Billy-Bob, "'Anything You Can Do'!"

"No need dear!" said Ma, walking into the room, carrying a huge teapot, and a bunch of teacups stacked on top of one another that was awkwardly carried on a tarnished metal tray. "Before you suffer through-I mean, listen to, another one of my son's songs, how about a nice cup of tea?"

"EW! WHAT DO WE LOOK? BRITISH!" yelled Marik angrily.

"I'll take some," said Odion.

"Wonderful!" said Ma, shoving a teacup into Odion's hands, as she bent down, putting her ugly lips right next to Marik's head.

"Remember…what happened earlier never happened…understood?" she hissed darkly.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" yelled Marik. "Firist Odion, then you…then…HAS THE ENTIRE WORLD GONE MAD, AND NO ONE'S TOLD ME AGAIN!"

"Uh…" said the woman.

"If the worlds going to go crazy, I think it should at least have the decency to tell me!" yelled Marik. "And another thing! Why the heck couldn't they have released the 'Fire Emblem' games in the US sooner? I MEAN COME ON! It R0X3RZ M4H S0X3RZ! What the heck is Intelligent Systems Thin-"

---ooo---

"Sorry to just suddenly interrupt this chapter in progress," said Asuka, standing in the middle of what looked like a recording studio. "I am representing the entire population of the cast. We realize that Ms. Shrilanka-San has just ordered a 'Fire Emblem' game, and we also realize that she has been waiting patiently for it to arrive, despite the fact that there seems to be a bit of a delay. But PLEASE, for the LOVE OF GOD, we IMPLORE you, in **BOLD TEXT**, DON'T LET THE MINDLESS FAN-RANTING GET IN THE WAY OF THE STORY!"

---ooo---

"-king?"

"Uh…sure," said Ma. "Now go on, gulp down the tea!"

"I TOLD YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, I AM NOT-liquid! Awesome!" said Marik, grabbing the teapot and drinking straight out of the spout, until Ma ripped it out of his mouth.

"Okay…who wants some?" she said, indicating the teapot, which now had Marik's drool covered all over the spout.

"Um…" said Odion.

"JUST DRINK IT!" yelled Ma, for reasons unknown, suddenly morphing into a huge, ten foot tall dragon, roaring at the top of her lungs, breathing fire as she did so.

"Okay!" yelled Odion, holding out his tea cup frantically, wanting desperately not to be barbequed/eaten.

"Thank you!" said Ma, slowly turning back to normal, filling up Odion's teacup.

"GIVE ME TEA!" yelled Darlene, throwing the teacup at Ma's head, causing it to bury itself into her skull.

"Hey Ma!" said Billy-Bob. "Isn't that there tea the tea that you laced that fancy sleepin' drug stuff I-"

"SHUT UP YOU IDIOTIC LITTLE WEED!" yelled Ma, as Odion's eyes bugged out in horror, after grudgingly taking a sip of the tea.

"You…_drugged _this?" he said in horror.

"Eh…drugged is such a nasty word…" said Ma, throwing the teapot over he shoulder, as a shattering sound was heard somewhere off camera. "I prefer the term…uh, 'internal chemical alteration'."

"So did you do it or not?" said Marik hastily.

"Doesn't really matter, your going to conk out in a few seconds," said Ma.

"Hey, what do you mean by tha-" Marik started.

THUNK!

The sound of three heads simultaneously falling into the table echoed across the room. There was a brief silence.

"Should I get the marinating stuff ready Ma?" asked Billy-Bob.

"You do that son," said Ma.

---ooo---

"THEY'RE CANIYOKASICALS!" cried Odion in horror, as he, Marik, and Darlene sat on the floor, tied up together, and sitting in a huge cooking pot.

"Caniyokasicals?" asked Marik.

"They're a combination between cannibals, yokels, and singers of musicals," said Odion. "They're native to large swamps a little ways away from state thruways…I should have know that something was wrong when they brought us here…"

"So what? They're going to eat us?" asked Marik.

"Uh…yeah…" said Odion.

"EW! GROSS!" screamed Marik in horror like a little girl. "This is just like that time when Tana got capture by the group of bandits and Epharium had to-"

---ooo---

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" yelled Asuka angrily from back in the studio.

---ooo---

"Marik, does that have _anything _to do with us getting out of this situation alive?" said Odion angrily.

"DON'T WORRY!" said Darlene from within her bondage. "I will summon forth a powerful magical weapon that has such power and street cred, there's no way that we won't get out of here alive!"

With that, she closed her eyes tight and strained with all of her might, twitching slightly from within the confines of the ropes, a very funny looking expression on her face.

Silence.

"Okay, failing that…" said Odion.

"Well there my little entrées!" said the old woman, carrying a huge carving knife. "Didn't I luck out? Just when I was about to have a family renunion, I land four huge chunks of meat to cook up for dinner!"

"OH! IS IT HAMBURGER?" said Marik eagerly. "I love hamburger!"

"Well…it depends how it's prepared I guess…" said Ma darkly, as Billy-Bob wheeled in a huge meat grinder.

"Oh fudge…" said Odion.

"Hey…shouldn't you…you know…both just leave the room for an indefinite period of time? For no particular reason at all?" said Marik. "You know, just to let us rant about how pathetic our lives were, and how much they were wasted on television when they could have learned how to can-can and drive backwards and do that thing where you balance a spinning basketball at the end of your finger?"

"Tarnashon Ma! The little blonde thang has a point!" said Billy-Bob.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Ma, whacking him in the head with an aluminum baseball bat. "Fine then…I feel like earning mah PhD in pediatrics anyway…"

With that, she grabbed her runty son by the ear and dragged him out of the room, as he yelped in pain, and Darlene continued to strain.

"Wow Marik…that was…SMART!" said Odion in horror.

"Really?" said Marik. "I thought it was just overdone…"

"No!" said Odion. "It was great! It was really great! I can't believe it! You successfully did something that actually made sense!"

"I…did…?" asked Marik, his eyes turning into two, huge, shimmering orbs of wonder.

"Uh…" said Odion, not liking where this was going.

"I did…something smart…" Marik said in wonder, his eyes turning glassy as he zoned out into space, and Odion sighed in frustration.

"Well…now we just need a plan of escape," said Odion, looking around for some sort of instrument that could be used for cutting them free. "Marik, do you think you could reach that knife next to you?"

"…smart…" said Marik in wonder, starting to drool a little bit.

"Uh…" said Odion.

"Almost…summoned…it…" said Darlene.

"Okay…I guess it falls to me then!" said Odion, switching into rodent mode. He forced his face down as far as it could go, and frantically began to chew on the ropes, as Marik continued to stare at his own glory in awe, and Darlene continued her ongoing attempt to summon this mystical means of escape. He knawel on that rope as if he was a squirrel on steroids, chewing and scratching it, wearing it away string by single string.

_I have to do this…_he thought to himself. _I have to protect Marik! I can't just die here! He's the only thing left I have in life, now that I have left the tombkeepers and my Cornell entrance letter hasn't arrived yet! I have to keep trying! I have to keep going! I won't die! I won't just stand here and let this happen! I will free us! Nothing can stop me! Nothing in the world!_

**SEVERAL MINUTES LATER**

_YES!_ Odion thought, getting closer to severing the last thread of the rope, as the old woman continued to strain with all of her might, and Marik continued to stare at nothing and drool like a monkey. _Soon! Soon! We'll be free! Free! It's almost done! All that work! At last! My determination has paid off! YES! YES!_

"I'm back from earning my degree!" said Ma, returing to the room, a huge carving knife in one hand, a diploma in the other. "Now then…where was I?"

SNAP!

"HA!" said Odion triumphantly, as the last piece of the rope he was chewing on snapped. "I DID IT! I DID IT! I won! I have beaten you! VICTORY! Now, there is nothing you can do to-"

She grabbed the two loose ends of the rope, and tied a huge knot with them.

"DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "I mean…uh…shouldn't you go back to try to earn a minor in child psychology?"

"Tarnashon!" said Ma. "Yer right! Be right back y'all."

_This is getting just a little too easy, _thought Odion, once again chewing on the rope. _Okay, I see that I'm going to need to do this faster. I'll just have to summon up what little energy remains in my body and-_

"Done," said Ma, walking back in with another diploma strung under her arm.

"DARNIT!" yelled Odion. "Um…uh…"

"Don't say doctorate, I earned that too," said Ma, holding up another diploma.

"Uh-"

"And I earned advanced forensic sciences yesterday while driving down to Walmart," said Ma, holding up another degree.

"ARE YOU SURE?" asked Odion.

"Yes," said Ma.

"Well…maybe it's a fake!" said Odion.

Silence.

"I feel more hungry than inquisitive," said Ma, raising the carving knife over her head, ready to smash it down in a devastating blow. "TIME TO BECOME A PART OF A WELL BALANCED MEAL, CITY-SLICKER!"

CRASH!

Suddenly, crashing through one of the windows of the kitchen came what appeared to be a flying soup ladle. However, upon closer inspection, it could be seen that this was a magical soup ladle, a device of supreme and enormous power, because it was glowing, was covered in precious gems from handle to what is technically called 'the scoopy part', and it had a great big sign on it that said 'POWERFUL MAGICAL SOUP LADLE' in big red letters.

"AT LAST!" screamed Darlene, as the powerful magical soup ladle slowly floated over to the three tied up people and hovered by her side. "I have summoned the most powerful cooking utensil in all of Lycia, one which you need a 'S' in weapon level to use-"

---ooo---

"WATCH IT!" yelled Asuka.

---ooo---

"-and now, I shall use it's power to break us free, and end your tyrannous reign once and for all!" yelled Darlene proudly, laughing in a triumphant, heroic manner, as the magical soup ladle continued to float by her side. However, her mad laughter slowly quieted as she reliezed that there was one tragic flaw to possessing this powerful serving utensil…you have to have a hand that wasn't tied up to be able to use it.

"Thank you," said Ma vaguely, taking the floating soup ladle away from Ma's side. "Okay…now where was I…OH YEAH! TIME TO EAT YOU ALL!"

"I'm smart Odion!" said Marik happily.

"Shut up," said Odion flatly. "If I'm going to die, I am at least going to die with pleasant sounds in my ears, not whatever random dribble eeks from your mouth."

"And just because I really love to play up the irony, HOW ABOUT SOME VERY BAD COUNTRY WESTERN MUSIC THAT ALWAYS MAKES SLAUGHTERING FUN?"

She banged the start button on a radio/cassette player, and with a limp sounding squeak, it began to play 'You're the Reason Our Kids are Doomed to Failure' (Almanzo A-Hyuk and his All-Gator Band, Slimeball Records, 1856). Marik's eyes became wide with admiration of superior vocal talent, the old woman started cackling triumphantly again for no good reason at all, and Odion's eye begin to twitch.

"My ear drums…have been severely violated…" he said with a somewhat squeaky tone in his voice.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Ma. "NOW-"

BAMAVroOoOoOoOMSCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

There was a massive, ear-splitting crash of something moving at seventy miles per hour at the minimum crashing through the log-and-scum walls, causing the entire wall that got crashed into to…crash. Shimmering like Obsidian in a huge pile of filth stood…a limo. However, this was no ordinary limo, for this limo had the presidential logo on its hood. Then, slowly, as large bits off rubble fell off it, the back door opened-

"IT'S FORMER PRESIDENT JAMES MADISON!" yelled everyone in the room in high pitched, incredibly happy voices, as a man in a puffy white shirt hidden under an eighteenth century coat, knee-length pants, and buckled shoes got out of the limo and gave everyone away.

"Hello everyone!" said James Madison, walking over to the group. "It is I, James Madision (1751-1836), fourth president of the United States of America, miraculously risen from the dead by means that shall be physically nor spiritually questioned at all for the rest of this story or any indefinite time period following it, or else bad things will happen to all of your souls!"

"YAY!" cheered everyone in the group.

"Anyway," said James Madison. "I have heard reports of Canayokasomethings in the area off of I-90, and I knew that since it is both breaking the law to operate a cannibal ring without legal documents and paying proper licensing fees, as well as it being really bad for business in toll booths, I have decided to investigate such claims personally!"

"YAY!" cheered everyone in the group.

"Stop cheering, or I'll blow your heads off!" said J.M. in a relatively happy sounding voice, pointing a plasma cannon at everyone, who promptly stopped cheering, but continued to smile rather stupidly. "That being said, I've have found it, and looking at the state of your site of operations, as well as those nasty stains all over the cutlery, I have to say that none of you are working under the correct cannibalistic guidelines set up by the Food and Drug Administration! That means I just busted an illegal ring! DON'T ANY OF YOU DARE CHEER!"

No one did, cheer, but everyone's smiles in the group got a little wider, and quite a bit more freaky.

"Okay, you're just creeping me out now!" said James Madison, still in a very upbeat tone of voice. "CIA agents! Brutally arrest them if you please!"

With that, a bunch of extremely tall, wide shouldered men ran into the room with the force of a very large group of very large animal on a stampede. They completely trashed everything in the area, knocking over things, beating up Ma, beating up Marik, breaking windows, etc. etc.

"OH! Wait, not them!" said James Madison, pointing to the group that was dragging away as Marik, Odion, and Darlene. "They're not the cannibals! Sorry for not mentioning that!"

"Yeah…thanks a lot…" said Odion, his face covered in bruises from the brutally arresting process.

"Anyway, for supreme bravery…or dumb luck, in the face of these underground cannibals/musical singers, I award you with these dime-store medals, and an autographed photo of the guy who lives next door to me!" said James Madison, throwing cheep looking 'We're #1!' ribbons at the three, as well as said autographed photos that were smashed up into a ball.

"MA! I MANAGED TO GET OUTTA THE GATOR'S TUMMY!" yelled Billy-Jane, covered in something that looked suspiciously like alligator saliva.

"Oh, you can arrest her though!" said James Madison, as a group of six CIA men threw themselves on top of her. "Anyway, thank you again for your work in cracking down on these random loonies! Our nation as a whole is in debt to your random efforts!"

"It is?" asked Marik, several of his teeth missing.

"Of course not," said J.M. "Now shoo! Shoo shoo, go on, get out of here you little losers! Your presence annoys me! Come on, get away!"

He waved them away brusquely, as the three managed to drag themselves upon bruised and beaten limbs, slowly dragging their bodies away from what was now brewing into a government cover-up. With labored steps, they slowly began the long and painful journey back home…and back to the regularly scheduled insanity.

"Yeah, get goin' you little hooligans!" said James Madison. "Thinkin' yer so cool with your fancy street clothes and your feminine hairdos and-"

That's when he was shot by a random arrow. Miraculously, it hit a non-critical area (AKA his backside), and he just stood there awkwardly, looking behind him to face the arrow that was now sticking out of his butt.

"Son of a gun…" he said. "This feels like something from Shrek…"

"Darn, that really should have killed you," said Rath, ridding into the scene on his horse, dressed in his usual Sacae native attire. "Maybe if I try the short bow-"

---ooo---

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Asuka angrily, slamming her fist down into the table in the studio. "I GIVE UP, DO YOU HEAR ME! I GIVE UP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I don't care! It's pointless isn't it? TURN THIS ENTIRE STORY INTO A DARN 'FIRE EMBLEM' FANFIC FOR ALL I CARE!"

---ooo---

**IT'S THE SAIN SHOW! DA-DA DA-DAAAAAAAA DA DA…**

"Have I mentioned how hot Lady Lyndis looks in that skirt with the side slits?" said Sain, sitting in a talk-show host style live studio. However, five seconds latter, Lyn sprang out of nowhere and began beating him wildly with her sword. The studio audience laughed and slowly began to clap, as a bunch of bandits then ran through, followed by Shri, who was cackling insanely with that weird look on her face while carrying around Nino and Jaffar plushies.

However…they all forgot something very important…

---ooo---

"Mariraree, irz zurwa gorra urtir ree?" asked the old man, still tied up turkey style wearing nothing but boxer shorts, still ready to be put in the oven.

---ooo---

So wrong…yet so right…

Anyway, next time, alas! We're in the home stretch! That means that, yes, it's DATE NIGHT EVERYBODY! When it seems like everyones going out to dinner in the same extremely fancy restaurant, with the off-balance male/female ratio, it's going to be date scrappin' and cross dressing all around! With some hilarious matches gone wrong! See you next time, as we finally hit the last major bit in this story!


	35. I Got Freak Mind Powers

Don't worry…I'm a certified loony.

Well…the final chapter countdown has begun I suppose. Sad…but at the same time, it's always a thrill to write the words 'the end'. A sad thrill. It's sort of like…seeing your kids go off to college, or away from home, or something like that. Do you know what I'm saying? And am I just digging way too deep into this? Probably…

I finished Fire Emblem! Yayz! It only took me two tries!

**Chapter Thirty Five**

**I GOT FREAKY MIND POWERS**

_In which there's one last closet locking_

"Ow…bruises…ow…in…ow…uncomfortable…spots…" said Marik weakly, struggling through the doorway of his and Odion's home on the suburbs, collapsing onto the floor the second he opened the door (even though his exposed abdomin was in the doorway). "Odion…rub my feet…"

"I wouldn't…even if I…_could _feel my arms…" said Odion, collapsing on top of Marik, panting wildly. "I can't believe it…we get tied up…beaten up…and then we have to walk all the way home…"

"Well…if it makes you feel better…I have a plan!" Marik managed to choke off being both exhausted and crushed by Odion's body weight.

"No, it doesn't actually," said Odion.

"SILENCE!" said Marik. "Odion, get your lazy carcass off me…AND FETCH THE NUMBER FOR RENT-A-TUX!"

"Oh Ra, I don't like where this is going already," Odion muttered.

---ooo---

"Hello…Random Las Vegas Casino and Hotel?" said Asuka, a random phone book propped up in front of her, as behind the glass of the phone booth, the sun began to set behind her, turning the sky into a bath of orange, yellow, and red. "Yes, I'm looking to see if your hotel currently is being occupied by one of my collegues…his name is Shou Marafuji, and according to a note he left me…yes…oh…I see…he's a what?"

A strange expression crossed over her face while she listened to what the hotel person said.

"How can he be a runaway bride?" asked Asuka in disgust and horror. "I know that he's…oh…I see…a runaway _groom_. Well, that's a little…better. Are you sure you had no idea where he went?...well, you must know _something_. There aren't any…would I like the number for the local police? Yes, that would be wonderful…thank you, thank…okay, hang on, let me get a sheet of paper…"

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a few pieces of tissue paper, then frantically took out a random mini golf pencil and scratched out the number on the piece of thin paper.

"Yes, this is very helpful…thank you again…okay, bye," she said, hanging up, as she frantically shuffled through her pocket for another quarter, holding the golf pencil awkwardly in her mouth. She let out a muffled 'mff!' of triumph as she found yet another shiny quarter, and she quickly popped it into the coin slot and quickly poked the buttons on the phone in the order they were listed on the sheet of paper, taking the pencil out of her mouth as she listened to the ring tone on the other end of the phone.

"Hello? LVPD?" she asked. "Yes, I'm here to inquire any leads that you have on the whereabouts of my friend, Shou Marafuji…yes, the 'runaway bride' case….yes, I'm one of his…what? You want to know…"

Another weird expression crossed her face.

"Look, I don't see how knowing whether or not I'm single will help this investigation…" said Alexis. "No…my age? Why would you…hair color? Are you…am I…yes I'm a minor! Why are you…WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT COLOR'S MY UNDERWEAR? Are you-I AM NOT GOING TO ANSWER THAT YOU PIG! THAT'S IT! GOOD-BYE, AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

She slammed the phone back onto the hook, at about the exact same time a car slammed into the last unscathed telephone pole behind her.

"COULD WE PLEASE GO A LITTLE EASIER ON THE CRASHES?"

"Ryou?" asked Asuka, turning toward the sound of the voice, as Ryou looked rather sick after suffering another crash from the driver while strapped to the roof of the car. "Eh? What are you doing on the car roof?"

"Well I didn't _ask _to be here…" said Ryou.

"WOOT! ASUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" sung Fubuki, as he hopped out of the car, while performing some wicked cool ninja moves for no particular reason at all. "I HAD THE FUNNEST TIME EVER! I got locked in a jail cell, I got to meet a cool duck named Butch, who's currently in my shirt, I got to beat up police officers, I got abducted by aliens, I got kidnapped and then thrown out of a car, and I solved a bad case of street justice! Isn't that cool?"

Silence.

"What?" asked Asuka.

"It's a long, very painful, story…" said Ryou.

**ONE LONG AND VERY PAINFUL STORY LATER**

"Oh…" said Asuka.

Silence.

"It still makes no sense," she said.

"I know…" Ryou said, as all of the Sohma's were out of the car with tears in their eyes from the wonder of that fantastic tale of everything that's happened so far. "So what's been going on here?"

"Nothing really…except Shou ran away to marry a random hobo, and now he's disappeared," said Asuka. "Oh yeah, and I found a really dangerous portable weapon of sheer doom."

"So…nothing out of the ordinary?" said Ryou.

"Not really," said Asuka. "Thanks for babysitting Fubuki…he didn't sing 'The Fubuki Song' did he?"

"He did," said Ryou.

"Oh god…" said Asuka. "Well, onto other problems. Now, my problems have been whittled down two only three. One, find where the dubbers are going to strike next and shut them down for good. Two, find the resurrected evil one and send it back to the abyss from which it came. Three, find Shou."

"I can't help that won't be as easy as it first seems," said Ryou.

---ooo---

"Honestly, what is taking those idiots so long to get back here?" said Ka'aewu angrily, tapping his huge, rabbit foot on the ground in an irritated manor. "I just ask them to go out and look for a stupid tome, and they don't come back for forever and a day. THAT'S IT! They're losing their appreciation tip!"

"FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDS!"

CrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRASH!

The sound of an entire tree falling down on top of a section of the school building filled Ka'aewu's ears, and sure enough, at the base of it's fallen trunk, just above its uprooted leaves was Seta, her huge, blue eyes turned into clouded pools of sadness from tears that were streaming down her face.

"Mr. Buuuuuuuuuneeeeeeeeee…" she sobbed.

"Oh for…what?" asked Ka'aewu angrily. "And for pity's sake, my name's 'Ka'aewu, not 'Mr. Bunny', not 'Bunny Bun', and certainly not 'Jay Leno'! Call me by Ka'aewu already!"

"I can't find any more friends to make Mr. Bunny!" said Seta with a whine in her voice. "And all of my old friends have gone away! I'm aloooooooooone and saaaaaaaaaaaad and I want a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug…"

"And what do you expect me to-" Ka'aewu started, before he squeeked in angry surprise as Seta's arms wrapped around him and scooped him up, squeezing him in a huge, sentimental, tear-filled hug. "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN, YOU HOMICIDAL, FRIEND-OBSESSED YABBO!"

"I WANT FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDS!" sobbed Seta, stuffing here tear-filled eyes into Ka'aewu's nice, soft fur.

"I SAID STOP IT ALREADY! YEESH!" yelled Ka'aewu. "AND GET YOUR SNOTTY NOSE OUT OF MY FUR! Do you know how much it shows up on white?"

"I just want friends…" said Seta.

"_Just _friends?" asked Ka'aewu. "Ha. They're hard enough to find when you're _not _charging foreword full speed and acting like an idiot."

"_GIVE ME FRIENDS NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!_" yelled Seta in a dark, sinister voice very much unlike her own, her eyes suddenly transforming into blood red orbs, holding up a huge, assassinating dagger over Ka'aewu's head.

"HUG ME PAL!" screamed Ka'aewu desperately, as Seta almost instantly changed back to normal, and began hugging the paranormal creature/bunny even harder than before, tears still glittering at the corners of her eyes.

"No…I can't believe it…I can't believe our operation failed…" said a random dubber, stumbling into the scene, his red cloak hanging in shreds on his body, his face beaten up, and a huge, rectangular patch of his hair shaved off on the back with the words 'This Space 4 Rent' written in the bald spot. "Gotta…find headquarters…and fast…"

"FRIEND!" said Seta in a sing-song voice, holding the plot bunny even closer to her body. "This is a dream come true!"

"AH! NO! ANOTHER ONE!" screamed the man in utmost horror, his body consumed with mad shuddering. "NO! NO! Please don't kill me! I have suffered much at the hands of your kind!"

"Friends?" chirped Seta.

"WAIT! No!" said the man again. "He must be stopped! He's a madman! He plans to do the unthinkable…the horrible!"

"Friends?" chirped Seta.

"But if I hand over such valuable information…I'd be a traitor…and the only suitable punishment for treason is…is…"

"Friends?" asked Seta.

"NO! I WILL NEVER TELL YOU!" yelled the man. "Beat me, kill me, steal my money, throw something big and heavy at me! I will never bow to your will! YOU WILL-"

"Friends?" asked Seta again.

"I CAN'T DO IT!" yelled the man. "I don't want to die! What he plans on doing…what they all plan on doing…it's…IT'S UTTERLY INSANE! He'll never succeed! He'll destroy the whole, wide world in the process! He's a madman! A MADMAN!"

"Friends?" asked Seta.

"Okay, I'll…I'll tell you everything…" said the pencil lover. "Please…just…I never said this to you…and…OKAY, I DON'T CARE! Just listen! This is very important!"

---ooo---

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM SERVICE?" Bianca sung into the one-way telephone in her room in a small hotel in Domino. "Yes, I would like a HUGE basket of fruit up here. With lots of apples, oranges, bananas, etc. etc. OH! And Pinapples! I want pinapples too! Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah-"

"Bianca, do you have any idea how much room service costs these days?" yelled Tish angrily, exiting the small bathroom with her bathrobe on and a towel wrapped around her hair.

"A MILLION MABAJILLION DOLLARS AND SEVENTY-EIGHT CENTS!" said Bianca, giving Tish a thumbs up, as well as a really stupid looking smile.

---ooo---

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the hotel employee at the other end of the line to a few of her fellow imployees. "Someone on this phone is demanding a million something-or-other dollars!"

"IT'S A ROBBERY!" screamed someone.

"SOME CALL THE COPS!" screamed another.

---ooo---

"…ee…yeah…" said Tish, rolling her eyes. "That's it. That's it exactly. Now just hang up the phone and stop acting goofy."

"KAY!" screamed Bianca, ripping the phone out of the wall with one tug, then happily skipping to the highest window of the hotel and chucking it out the window, watching it eagerly as it was pulled down at monumental speed by gravity, hitting the earth with a very satisfying crunch.

"Well, this day has been a complete and utter waste," said Tish with a sigh, collapsing in one of the beds in the room. "We find barely any traces of Marik, now we've got a bunch of other garbage to deal with. We'll never complete this mission at this rate. And this was supposed to be an 'in-and-out' job. Great, great great great. It's going to be a _fun_ talk on the phone with HQ tonight."

"Yeah, that's cool I guess," said Bianca absentmindedly, suddenly interested in a little dust ball that was floating in the air. "Hey Tish, do you have that one pair of strap-up high heels that are black and shiny and make me look hot?"

"…why?" asked Tish, not liking the sudden direction the conversation was taking.

"I GOTS A DATE TONIGHT WITH THE KOREAN KID!" sung Bianca, giving Tish another thumbs up.

"The Korean Ki…" Tish started, but then suddenly had a certain unpleasant memory of someone she had to shove into a closet previously that day. "Uh…Bianca, is this 'Korean Kid' a little above six feet tall?"

"Yep!" said Bianca.

"And this Korean Kid, does he have brown hair and blue eyes?" asked Tish.

"Uuuuuuuuh….yeah, think so…" said Bianca, tilting her head back to recall just how certain aspects of the 'Korean Kid's body was colored by cell pigments.

"And does he look like we could easily grab him by the waste and slip him under a door all the way through?" asked Tish.

"Eh?" asked Bianca.

"Is he a stick figure?" asked Tish, turning down the wit just a little bit.

"Eh?" asked Bianca.

"…is he skinny?" asked Tish, taking down her English skills to the lowest peg.

"Yep! That's him!" said Bianca.

"I've heard enough," said Tish. "You're not going out with him. End of story."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?" asked Bianca, tears already starting to well up in her eyes. "WHY NOT?"

"Because first of all, please notice that there is just a BIT of an age difference between a sixteen year old high school student and a twenty-two year old grad student!" said Tish, her eyes turning into slits. "Don't you know you can get in trouble for that? You can even get arrest! Which, by the way, WOULD NOT LOOK GOOD ON OUR RECORDS!"

"Aw come on! You're so old-fassioned!" said Bianca, absentmindedly waving it away with a goofy smile on her face.

"And you're as dumb as a sack of quick-dry cement," said Tish. "Second of all, it is very bad to date people who aren't in your intelligence bracket. I did a background check on him, and it turns out that he's the top student in his school, and several of the top schools, even Yale, is after him! You were so lucky to get through college that Omega Delta Epsilon started the trend of saying 'That's like Bianca passing her term paperr' when something impossible would happen."

Silence.

"YOU CALLIN' ME STUPID?" Bianca asked.

"In comparison to him, yeah!" said Tish. "Face it Bianca, you are NOT a rocket scientist! I _dated_ a rocket scientist, and it was about as fun as being stabbed by a dull pencil repeatedly! You wouldn't be happy with him, and I suggest you BACK OUT NOW!"

"NO! NEVER! I LOVE HIM!" said Bianca.

"You'd fall in love with that chair if you stared at it long enough!" yelled Tish, pointing to one of the chairs. "It's illegal, it's impractical, and I'm not letting you do this! It's better if you just drop it and concentrate on the acquisition of fruit."

"Alright…" said Bianca hanging her head sadly. "I supposed I won't do it…"

---ooo---

"Not with your consent, anyway!" said Bianca, eagerly waiting on the corner with a red, sequin dress on with a side slit, pearl necklace, and the strap-up heels, with her hair super extra supermodel curly.

"BI-ANC-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled Tish's voice frm the top of the building, where the window to their hotel room was still open. "LET ME OUT OF THIS CLOSET NOW, AND THEY MAY FIND YOU REMAINS!"

"…what does consent me anyway?" asked Bianca.

---ooo---

"We're going to WHAT?" asked Odion in horror.

"Go to Domino Springs, the fanciest restaurant in town!" said Marik, flipping through the phone book for the number.

"WHY?" asked Odion.

"Because word on the yard says that Yugi's got a date with a hot chick named Tea tonight!" said Marik, giggling like a loon. "So chances are that when they're staring at each other with those big, stupid eyes couples usually have when they stare at each other, we grab the puzzle and run! And I even added the RUNNING part, and then, once we get home, THEN I burst into homicidal laughter! IT'S GENIUS!"

"It's stupid!" said Odion. "It sounds like this one is going to end the same way that all your dim-witted and backward plans end!"

"It _so_ won't end the same way my dim witted and backwards plans end!" yelled Marik angrily. "I thought every detail over through perfectly! It has to work! We will get that puzzle no matter what!"

"Obviously you didn't think of how we're going to actually get into the building unnoticed!" said Odion angrily. "We've already hit the wall with the whole thing that it's Friday night and they only let you in with a reservation, and then how are we going to supposed to get close to either of them _completely _unnoticed long enough to snatch something from a spiky haired kid's head without him or his date catching on that we're trying to steal something?"

"Simple! I got us both jobs!" said Marik, hanging up the phone.

"WHAT?" said Odion. "How? They can't just hire people in an instant! It goes against regularities and common sense! And we have to fill out applications and everything else!"

"No we don't!" said Marik. "I just threatened them with their lives! They complied pretty darn quickly after that!"

"ARE YOU ON SOMETHING, IDIOT?" yelled Odion. "They'll probably have a bunch of cop cars just waiting there to book us!"

"No, because I told them I had freaky mind powers, and if they hired cops to come and take me out, I'd just blow up their brains!" said Marik.

"…your head is like a great big bowl of pudding, isn't it Marik?" said Odion.

"SOFT AND SQUISHY!" said Marik, poking it.

"Great. Isn't going to happen," said Odion.

"Odioooooooooooooooooon who oooooooooooooooooooowns yoooooooooooooou?" asked Marik in a sing-song voice.

"…me?" asked Odion hopefully.

"Nope!" said Marik.

"…you…" said Odion with a sigh.

"CORRECT!" said Marik. "So you're going to partake in my ridiculous whims, and GOSH DARN IT, YOU'LL LIKE IT! Now stand still Odion, I need to get your measurements!"

"I am NOT going to give you my measurements!" yelled Odion angrily. "Do you know how cold that tape measurer is?"

"YOU'RE BARE SKIN WILL BE CONTACTED BY THIS TAPE, AND IT WILL LIKE IT, BUTTHEAD!" yelled Marik, whipping out the tape.

---ooo---

"So it's come down to this…" said Asuka to herself. "The one thing we need to do is find the happy chorus. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling that it's the key to stopping the madness."

"Why do you think this?" asked Ryou.

"It's the only lead I got, and I'm using it!" said Asuka.

"La la la la la la la…" sung Seta to herself, turning around a corner of the school, skipping along the sidewalk that circled around the school. Ka'aewu was being swung by his ears, who was sobbing in open pain, feeling like his ears were being pulled out of their sockets, but his cries falling on basically deaf ears. "Goin' to da place, la la la la la…"

"_Evil one_…" said Asuka acidly, whriling around to face Seta, who stopped in mid-skip, causing Ka'aewu to slam into her leg. "Well, I'm just about to solve one of the problems-"

"HI FRIEND!" said Seta, waving cheerfully. "Guess what? I've gots to go now, so I can't stop and play! Sorry!"

"Is that the evil thing?" asked Ryou.

"Yes…" said Asuka.

"…little pink for a vessel of chaos, isn't she?" said Ryou.

"You aren't going anywhere!" said Asuka, pointing to Seta angrily. "I've had enough of you! I've been chasing you around all day, and now, it's high time I send you back to where you came from!"

"Sorry! Gotta go now! Some creepy guy said that some mean people are going to do mean things!" said Seta. "GOTTA GO MAKE FRIENDS NOW! BYYYYYYYYYYE!"

"Wait! No! Come back!" yelled Asuka trying to chase after her, but instantly, Seta disappeared, almost in a cloud of smoke.

"Darn it! She used teleportation powers!" yelled Asuka, snapping her fingers. "This is great. I've got to go track her…"

"What about the happy chorus and Shou?" asked Tohru.

"I…keep an eye out for both of them," said Asuka, running off. "Just stay here, and don't cause any trouble! If you find Shou, tell him to follow my tracking signal! I'll come back in a bit, I promise!"

And with that, she ran off away from the school, following the long, sweaping sidewalk next to the road into the city beyond.

There was silence from everyone else who was left behind.

"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki, as Ryou's eye twitched.

---ooo---

And for now, that's all.

Next time, date pickups, Odion's a busboy, and CROSSDRESSING! See you later!


	36. A Hut by the Sea

**Chapter Thirty Six**

**A HUT BY THE SEA**

_In Which Tristan Scares Us_

PREVIOUSLY ON "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK"

"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki, as Ryou's eye twitched.

RIGHT NOW ON "THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK"

"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki, as Ryou's eye twitched.

"You don't need to repeat yourself…I heard you the first time…" said Ryou weakly.

"I GOT AN IDEA!" said Fubuki.

"Did you use your brain to think it up, or is this just an imitation of something stupid you saw on television?" asked Ryou.

"NO! MAYBE! SOMEWHAT! THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!" said Fubuki. "Why don't…WE FOLLOW ASUKA?"

"She told us to stay here, and when it's your opinion versus hers guess which one wins?" asked Ryou.

"TO WHEREVER ASUKA'S GOING!" cheered Fubuki.

"I really think we should stay here," said ASV. "WOW! I HAVE A LINE! IT'S BEEN FOREVER! OH MY GOD! I'M TALKING AGAIN! I-"

"Shut up!" Mobster said. "I agree with Fubuki! We cannot sit here and do nothing! We are needed! Asuka could be heading right to danger, and she just doesn't want us to get ourselves killed!"

"And you _want _us to get ourselves killed?" asked Ryou.

"YES!" chirped Mobster.

"Why don't you four go, and me and the others will stay here and try to find the happy chorus?" asked Double S. "When we find them, we'll just catch up with you."

"EXCELENT IDEA MY GOOD MAN!" said Mobster. "NOW THEN FRIENDS AND COMRADES! WE RIDE! TO WHEREVER ASUKA IS!"

"Oh no," said Ryou. "I didn't agree to any of this. You can go and get yourself killed possibly, in trouble without a doubt. You can never make me stoop to your level."

"NEVER SAY NEVER!" sung Fubuki, scooping up Ryou with one swish (_A/N _That sounded like a line from a very bad Fubuki/Ryou fic), and stuffed him under his arm like a huge football, and shooting off down the road in the direction that Asuka went, as Ryou was screaming very angry obscenities at the top of his lungs, Fubuki once again taking the best of him away.

"There goes a brave, brave pair of men…" said ASV.

"LET'S FOLLOW THEM AND WATCH THEM SCREW UP!" said Mobster.

---ooo---

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT ODION!" said Marik, proudly strutting about in the sparkly new uniform that he was wearing, which consisted of a starch-white dress shirt and black dress pants. "DO I NOT LOOK HOT IN THIS UNIFORM? The only thing is that I have to have the shirt _buttoned-_"

"Quiet Marik, I already have half a mind to break your neck," said Odion darkly, his uniform identical to Marik's. "I can't believe it. The job market's in shambles, you only have good looks and half of a kindergarten education on your resume, and yet we GET IN with the FANCIEST restaurant in town instantly!"

"You act like it's a bad thing!" said Marik.

"IT IS A BAD THING WHEN PEOPLE WITH HALF OF AN EDUCATION LIKE ME ARE STRUGGLING TO GET BY, AND IDIOTS LIKE YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO FINISH FIRST!" screamed Odion. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY _BEEP_ING APPLICATIONS I'VE SENT IN DURING MY EMPLOYMENT TO YOU? I COULD WALLPAPER BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THEM! AND WHENEVER YOUR PSYCHOTIC LITTLE WHIMSIES CAUSE YOU TO ENTER ONE, THEY ROLE OUT THE SMEGGING RED CARPET!"

Silence.

"HA HA! ODION'S BITTER!" sung Marik, pointing to him.

"Hello employees!" said a strawberry blonde-haired woman in a sing song voice, who's uniform was almost identical to Marik and Odion's, except it was relpalced with a knee-length black skirt. "My name's Sandy, and I sold my soul to minimum wage years ago! Welcome to 'Chez Moufette'! I'm going to be that one person who tells you how to do anything in this cleaned up, painted up dump that is no more than a façade to convince you that everyone here is happy and cheerful and ritzy, when in fact we're all just a bunch of bums who try our best to fake French Accents! YAYZ!"

"…I bet this place has the stupid 'two week notice' thing too…" said Odion.

"THIS WAY!" sung Sandy in a sing song voice, reaching into her shirt pocket to pull out a small pouch that was held together by a drawstring. With one pull, she tugged it open and pulled out a handful of sparkles, which she tossed in front of her with a flourish. The sparkles then seemed to materialize into a huge rainbow in front of her, which she happily hopped on and slid down like a giant kiddie slide.

"Wow…I hate this place already," said Odion, as Marik happily jumped on the rainbow slide and squeed like a little girl as he slid along it, Odion just following it on foot.

"Here's the front desk!" said Sandy, gracefully landing off the rainbow slide at the front desk, as Marik landed face first. "This is where we keep pencils, sticky notes, fancy pens, and this huge book that says 'Reservations' on it in great, big, sparkly letters. That's where are bunch of names are, so you open it up, say something polite in a ridiculous French accent, check off their name, and take them to a random table while pretending that you've been waiting for hours and hours for them to arrive!"

"What's that?" asked Marik, pointing to a little silver bell on the desk as Odion finally caught up by walking.

"That's the bell!" sung Sandy. "You see, sometimes when you want to feel particularly fancy, you bang the little thing on top of it, and it goes 'DIIIIING'!"

"Oooooooh…CAN I DING THE BELL?" asked Marik.

"No silly!" said Sandy. "Only people with training and experience will be worthy enough to ring the bell! It's a fact of life!"

"But I want to make the bell go 'DIIIIIING'!" said Marik.

"Then work you're hardest…believe in yourself…and with a little bit of magic, one day…_you'll _ring the bell…" said Sandy mystically.

"_I'll _ring the bell…" said Marik, his eyes growing to the size of huge, sparkly pizzas.

"Boy, the perks of this place are just _dynamite_," said Odion.

"And these are the tables!" said Sandy, walking a little ways behind the front desk. "Here we seat any person who hands us over money, and we must cater to their every whim, no mater how ridiculous and demeaning it is! And no matter how sick, nauseating, or frighteningly crass, lacking in personality, or evil-spirited our customers are, we need to treat them like they are the greatest people in the world!"

"And _then _I can ring the bell?" asked Marik.

"After you decide that there is nothing sacred in your life anymore!" sung Sandy.

"THEN I can ring the bell and make it go 'DIIIIIIING'?" asked Marik.

"Of course!" said Sandy. "When your body is a souless shell, you can ring the bell whenever your heart desires!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" sung Marik.

"It's almost like you're born for minimum wage Marik," commented Odion. "You notice that I'm needing all my willpower to hold myself back from strangling myself with this towel."

"And that…is the door…" said Sandy dramitaclly, pointing to the door that had 'Employees Only' printed on it. "Oh yes…this is your reward for joining our prestigious corp. You…can go behind the door. The big door which, as a customer, you always wondered what's behind…NOW YOU MAY KNOW THE TRUTH!"

"THE TRUTH!" sung Marik.

"YES! IT IS TIME TO SEE WHAT LIES BEHIND THE DOOR!" said Sandy, throwing open the door with a huge flourish, as she threw the door open to reveal…a kitchen.

"ENLIGHTENMENT AT LAST!" cried Marik.

"I know I've said it a thousand times, and as much as I hate to risk sounding insincere, Marik, you are a mad little idiot," said Odion.

"Now then…a thousand more secrets have yet to be revealed of the dark and divine practices of minimum wage, so Marik…Odion…are you ready to tap into it's great power?" asked Sandy.

"YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!" screamed Marik.

"Sure…whatever…" muttered Odion.

"FANTASTIC!" cried Sandy. "Now Marik…with your massive amount of enthusiasm, smexy chest, and tiny brain…I think you'd be an excellent waiter!"

"I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A WALRUS!" said Marik.

"Waiter idiot, she said _waiter_," said Odion.

"I WAIT FOR NOTHING!" said Marik. "Live for the moment, that's what I say! Eat, drink, and be merry, because the next day, you could be laying face down it a ditch stripped to your underwear with 'I Love Kitties and Other Girly Things' written on your back in permanent marker!"

"…what?" asked Odion.

"GOOD!" said Sandy. "And Odion…well, no offense, but with your free-thinking mind, you need to be beaten into a mental state of subservance so we can press our ideals onto your scrawny form and you will have little or no willpower to stop us! So I'm thinking sad and emotionally demeaning jobs for you!"

"Such as?" Odion asked.

---ooo---

"Busboy…fudging…busboy…" muttered Odion darkly, wheeling around a huge tray of large bolders as part of 'employee training'.

"And when your done wheeling those rocks to the kitchen, I want you to wheel them back and place one on every table!" said Sandy in a sing-song voice.

"Actually…the technical term is 'boulders' said Odion.

"That attitude screams '20 more pounds'!" said Sandy in a sing-song voice.

"Words cannot describe how much I hate your entire existence…" said Odion darkly.

---ooo---

"THANK YOU FOR FINDING ME AND WALKING ME HOME SETA-NEE!" said Azusa, standing outside the doorway to Kaiba Mansion and waving to Seta, who continued to bounce away with Ka'aewu. "When my backup core finally fired up and I was stranded and alone, I didn't know what I was going to do!"

Her only reply was a fresh scream of pain from Ka'aewu.

"Silly rabbit-san!" she said to herself, walking into the mansion. "NII-SAAAAN! WHERE ARE YOU? I'M HOME! NII-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Oh, so you found you way home Azusa?" asked Mokuba, walking up to her in the main hallway. "I'm glad. It's after you don't come home for _five _hours when I start to get worried, though I must admit, you were pushing the limits."

"I'm so sorry Mokuba-chan," said Azusa. "I was just kidnapped by a bunch of really scary people, and so my back-up system drive needed to reboot, and then I needed to find my way through a bunch of scary secret passages in the school, and then I got really hungry, so I needed to stop to eat something, and then someone was staring at me, so I had to beat him up, and then I found Nee-san, so I talked to her a little while, and then I walked home!"

"...scary people?" asked Mokuba.

"Yeah!" said Azusa. "With great big pencils!"

"…I so didn't need to hear that," said Mokuba.

"Mokuba-chan, where's Seto-nii?" asked Azusa. "I need to hit him for not bothering to come look for me when I was in standby mode."

"Ah, he's upstairs being all angsty about his upcoming date," said Mokuba.

---ooo---

"…but…but what if she's just seeing this as a good opportunity to dump me?" asked Seto, his back on the bed as his mind was turning into a whirpool of teenage doubt and hormones, as his soul was slowly being conquered by his fears, transforming him into a nauseating angst-bucket. "She is, isn't she? Oh…why can't girls just come out and say what they're thinking…they have to play those stupid games…what do I say if she does? What about the goodnight kiss and…AAAAAAAAARGH! THE KISS! THE-AAAAARGH!"

---ooo---

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaah? Nii-san has a date?" asked Azusa.

"Yeah, with some red haired chick that he barely knows…and that's how it starts…who knows? Maybe next week he'll bring her and a couple blonds home for dinner…" said Mokuba. "Then he's going to turn into those Hollywood gits and choke on his own vomit…"

"That's so romantic!" said Azusa happily. "Oh, I'm so happy for Nii-san! I'm so happy, I'll wait until he gets home before beating him senseless with a mop!"

"What respectable robotic younger sibling would do more?" asked Mokuba.

Silence.

"So when's he gonna pick her up?" asked Azusa.

"Probably when he stops throwing up from nerves every few seconds," said Mokuba.

Silence.

"Hey, wanna go watch all the 'House' episodes Seto tapped?" asked Mokuba.

"YAY!" said Azusa.

---ooo---

"Thank you for driving me to Tea's house Joey!" said Yugi, as he and Joey were walking up to the doorway to Tea's house. Yugi was dressing up in his oh-so-fancy tux, complete with built in stilts, so now he was almost as tall as Joey.

"I drove you here?" asked Joey.

"Yeah! You agreed to drive me to Tea's house since I'm not legally tall enough to get behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle!" said Yugi. "Not even with the built-in stilts…"

"I did?" asked Joey.

"Yeah!" said Yugi. "Don't you remember?"

"I can drive?" Joey asked.

"…yes?" said Yugi.

"Who are you again?" Joey asked.

Silence.

"Uh, Joey, have they been painting your house with lead paint again?" asked Yugi.

"I live in a _house_?" asked Joey. "Whoa…I thought that I lived in a small hut on the sea, where I spent my days farming fish and luxury sedans on the fertile planes, where wild geese roam in such numbers that they all form neat little lines outside your house, come in, eat breakfast with you, and even bring super shiny rocks and toilet paper. And then, every morn, we and the geese and the trout, and Jacky Kennedy would all line up and sing praise to the day, alight with the promise of fun, laughs, and a whole lot of hot women in bikinis…yes, this was the ways of the fish and car farmers of the misty shores…and that's just about the same time I stopped wearing underwear!"

Silence.

"Joey…just stay there…I need to go and get Mr. Sedative…" said Yugi, backing off, not wanting to expose his back to Joey.

"BUT IT'S TRUE!" said Joey. "HOW CAN YOU DENY THE HAPPINESS WE FELT ON THAT SHORE, HAND IN WING, WITH COD STUFFED IN OUR MOUTHS-"

"Hi Yugi!" said Tea, walking out in a black, sleeveless dress and high heels, with a tiny bit of makeup on, and her hair extra smooth and shiny for the occasion. "You look really good with the built in…okay, Joey's ranting. This is a bad sign."

"It's okay Tea!" said Joey. "I'm merely telling Yugi about my exciting adventures among the wind-swept plains of the sea!"

"Oh…that's…nice…" said Tea awkwardly. "Well, Yugi and I better get going then. Have a good night Joey."

"Okay!" said Joey, as Tea and Yugi began their moonlight walk towards the restaurant.

"So anyway, I'm really glad that you're not mad anymore Tea," said Yugi.

"Ah, sometimes I forget that nothing in my life makes sense," said Tea. "When I try to make sense of it…bad things tend to happen. Oh well…"

"YEAH, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!" said Joey, following them with a goofy look on his face. Awkwardly, Tea stopped walking, causing Yugi to stop walking, causing Joey to bump into Yugi.

There was an awkward pause.

"Um…Joey?" asked Tea.

"Yuppers?" asked Joey.

"Shouldn't you…head back to your car?" asked Tea.

"OH! YOU GUYS WANT ANOTHER RIDE?" asked Joey.

"No Joey…" said Tea. "We're going to dinner and…well…usually…the driver goes home, and then comes back to pick us up…"

"I…don't get to come?" asked Joey.

"Joey…it's not that we don't want you…well, we do actually, but…ah…I mean…" said Yugi.

"Beat it," said Tea flatly.

"YOU PEOPLE ARE JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERKS!" yelled Joey angrily, running away from the both of them in tears.

---ooo---

"Well…here I go…" said Seto, standing outside the door, wearing a somewhat nicer trench coat than usual. "Gotta make a good first impression…I am not going to screw up…not at all…"

Silence.

"Good night kiss!" Mokuba called from the other room.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"I live for that scream…" Mokuba said to himself.

"Laurie-sama has the best American accent ever!" squeed Azusa-chan.

---ooo---

"I HATE EVERYTHING!" yelled Joey, sitting on the corner, screaming at the top of his lungs in angst-filled rage. "EVERYTHIGN AND ANYTHING! I HATE EVERYONE! SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU BETTER JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Hey Joey!" said Tristan, walking up to the corner.

"Oh, hey Tristan," said Joey flatly. "I'M MAD!"

"ME TOO! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!" said Tristan.

"WHY?" yelled Joey.

"I DON'T KNOW! FOR SOME REASON, MY LIFE AND EMOTIONS REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" yelled Tristan. "Probably because in reality, I'm actually your nobody and am tied completely to your soul, and thus am bound by every single one of your emotions!"

Silence.

"COOL!" said Joey.

"Anyway," said Tristan, "what's the matter Joe? You looked like you inhaled paint fumes again!"

"I did," said Joey. "BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I'm mad, because Tea and Yugi are going out to dinner for Tea's birthday, AND THEY SAID I CAN'T COME! I WANNA COME TO DINNER! Is that so much to ask?"

"Well, it's kind of a date Joey," said Tristan. "Usually, it's just a two-person thing."

"WELL I WANNA GO ON A DATE!" said Joey.

"Do you know any girls other than Tea?" asked Tristan.

Silence.

"Neither do I…" Tristan said sadly.

"OH! WAIT! MAI'S A GIRL!" said Joey. "We'll ask her!"

"We have no clue where she lives…" said Tristan.

"Uh…SERENITY THEN!" said Joey.

"First, ew man, she's your sister," said Tristan. "Two, isn't she still in the hospital?"

"How do _you _know that?" asked Joey.

"…no reason?" Tristan said.

"THEN WE'RE STUCK!" cried Joey in horror.

"WAIT!" said Tristan. "I've got an idea…they say when times are tough, and real girls are hard to find…_fake _girls are just fine!"

"Whoa like…robots?" asked Joey.

"Nope," said Tristan. "I mean…the drag special!"

"The what?" asked Joey.

---ooo---

"WOW TRISTAN!" said Joey, as he walked down the road with Tristan arm in arm. "You're such a convincing girl that it's frightening!"

"Yeah," said Tristan, dressed in a flowery pink dress, with an excessive amount of makeup on, a blonde wig, and just a glimpse of hair legs clumsily stuffed into designer pink high healed shoes. "I knew that inflatable bra I stole from the girl's locker room would come in handy one day…"

---ooo---

"So…are the preperations for tonights ceremony complete?" asked Leon to one of the few pencil-cult servants that remained.

"Yes my lord," said the cult guy in red robes, bowing until his nose was scrapping against the floor. "Soon…very soon…you will rule this earth."

"EXCELENT!" said Leon. "Once this phase is complete, my vast army shall-"

"M'lord?" asked the servant.

"Yes?" asked Leon.

"You do realize that almost all of our operatives were beaten up and annihilated during the process of conquering the school, right?" said the cult member.

"Oh, like one or two," said Leon.

"Actually, the total number of troops we have left is…thirty seven," said the cult member. "That's also counting the catering lady."

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Once this plan is put into motion, all of our troops shall revive, and we shall have the power to take down the world, even with our miniscule numbers!"

"_Very _miniscule," said the member.

"SHUT UP! OR I'LL BOP OUR NUMBERS DOWN TO THIRTY SIX!" yelled Leon. "Begin the final preparations…this…is the beginning of the end…"

---ooo---

Next time…the reuniting of the Doom Bikers! A new plan! Restaurant antics! More crossdressing! BIANCA! See you then!


	37. Love and Guts

LalalalalaBATMAN!

What?

Uh…anyway. We continue to slowly approach the end…sad huh? Ah well, I have no clue when it's going to end, but I think I can safely say that we have barely two or three chapters to go. I've had a lot of fun though.

This chapter is late! Very late! Well, the first week because I was sort of busy, the second week because I went away for awhile. Not to mention I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I want to end the story.

Oh, wait, yeah I do. I have to admit, Seto's getting WAY out of character. I mean, he's thinking like a GIRL! I'm surprised no one's jumped on me for this, but seriously, he's over thinking things terribly, which is a very un-Seto-ish quality. Though I have to admit, it _is _funny.

Oh, and another thing, it took me three tries just to get this chapter to a satisfactory start. However, I'm infamous for deleting huge pieces of chapters and rewriting them completely.

And at last, I finally spell 'pineapple' right! SHOWER ME WITH LAVISH PRAISE! Or at least say 'DANGIT, LEARN HOW TO SPELL, YOU LAZY FANFICTION BUTTHEAD!' I seriously need to thank all of you for putting up with the massive amount of typos in this story o-.-o you're too kind for me…

Look up 'moufette' in a French-English dictionary. Seriously, I dare you.

**Chapter Thirty Seven**

**LOVE AND GUTS**

_In which intelligence (or lack thereof) is put to the test_

_Okay, I think I did everything right so far…_ Seto thought to himself. _Picked her up, said hi, did small talk…complemented her outfit…that's the sappy stuff girls like, right? Girls do like that kind of stuff…sensitive…that's what I have to be…sensitive…that's easy. Easy peasy. Just say what I feel like. Just be natural, yet sensitive. That's what girls like, I'm sure of it. And funny…girls like funny too…that may be tough, all I'm good at is brutally sarcastic…but brutally sarcastic is funny…usually…wait…CHOCOLATES! DANG IT! I FORGOT CHOCOLATES! AND FLOWERS! OH MY GOD, THE BIGGEST CLICHES OF THE DATING WORLD, AND I FORGOT THEM! SHE MUST HATE ME! OH MY GOD, SHE'S GOING TO DUMP ME HERE AND NOW, ISN'T SHE? Oh god, she hates me! WHY AM I SUCH A FREAKY IDIOT? AH! I BET SHE'S CONTEMPLATING MY EVENTUAL DUMPING AT THIS VERY MOMENT!_

"And that's when I realized that pineapples are just the _adopted_ family of actual apples!" said Bianca, walking into the restaurant with Seto, who looked like he was about to cry from pure loss and frustration. "So we have to be extra nice to the pineapples, because if they find out the true nature of their lineage, they'll become sad. AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE CRIMINAL THAN UNHAPPY FRUIT!"

"Bonjour monsieur et mademoiselle," said Sandy, using the only French she knew, partnered with a very bad, very fake sounding accent. "Welcome to 'Chez Moufette'. Table for two, I assume?"

"WHEN YOU ASSUME, YOU MAKE A-" Bianca started.

"Yes…please…" Seto managed to gasp.

"Would the monsieur like a stimulant with his meal?" asked Sandy.

"Coffee so strong that if a small rodent so much as _licked _one of the beans, it would _explode_," said Seto darkly.

"Ah…the house blend then with the biohazard label on it then," said Sandy. "Right then, table for two then. Marik dear, over here."

Silence.

"Over _here _Marik," said Sandy, keeping her smile.

Silence.

"_Follow the sound of my voice you little idiot…_" said Sandy, struggling to keep her fake smile, as Marik wandered dizzily over to her. The reason his entrance was delayed soon became apparent, because he wandered into the room with a large bucket on his head.

Another awkward pause.

"Take the bucket off," commanded Sandy, as the bucket-head shook its head no. "There's no room for disagreement Marik. Bucket. Off. Now."

The bucket-head hung it's head sadly.

"Come on, off off off…" said Sandy, snapping her fingers expectantly as, very reluctantly, the bucket-head slowly pulled off the bucket, causing a few tufts of Marik's bleached-blonded hair to spill out of it, a very sad, pouty look plastered on his face. "Now, isn't that better?"

"No," Marik said flatly.

"Shut up," said Sandy. "Take these lovely not-french customers to table eight please."

"Um…which one's table eight again?" asked Marik.

"The one with the 'Table Eight' card on it," said Sandy.

"Oooooooh…" said Marik. "Sorry, I'm new! And brain dead!"

"Aint that the truth…" said Odion, wheeling a huge stack of plates on his cart as he passed by.

"SILENCE BUSBOY!" yelled Sandy, as Marik leaned closer and closer to the silver bell on the table. "And you, touch that bell, and you won't have any hands to collect the tip. Now take the people to their table now."

"Mm…no," said Marik.

"What?" asked Sandy.

"Nah, don't really feel like it," said Odion. "Make Odion do it! He likes to do this kind of stuff!"

"You're a bloody liar!" said Odion from the other side of the room.

"SHUT UP BUSBOY!" said Marik, imitating Sandy's tone of voice.

"Shut up waiter," said Sandy. "Take these people to their table."

"NO! MAKE ODION DO IT!" said Marik. "I wanna stare a the bell!"

"Look, I don't think you understand," said Sandy. "What I'm asking you to do is _work_. When you work, you get _paid _for your services. It's called 'capitalism'. Does that makes sense?"

"…no," said Marik. "I wanna have other people do work for me, and I want to get paid for it!"

"No Marik," said Sandy. "That's called the 'feudal system' a completely different economic system that our country is run by…we like to think. This is capitalism. Go and bring them to their seats."

"NO! I WANNA LIVE BY FEUDALISM!" yelled Marik.

"People who live by the feudal system don't get to ring the bell," said Sandy.

"Stupid Capitalism…" muttered Marik darkly, vaguely waving Seto and Bianca to their seats.

"Did you do a background check on this kid or something?" asked Seto to Sandy.

"Whenever I typed his name in the database, a little picture of a devil would appear on the screen and start laughing…" said Sandy.

---ooo---

"Ah…darn…it…" said Asuka to herself, panting from exhaustion of running up and down the streets, her hand gripping the wall of the restaurant, currently the only thing stopping he from passing out onto the ground. "I can't believe it…I lost her. I'm an expert in tracking…she's just a clumsy girl…and I lost her…"

She looked in all directions around her, but she saw nothing. Just streets with people meandering up and down them. There was no sign of any simple-minded friend-lover running up and down the sidewalks of the town.

"Just need to get back on the trail," said Alexis, pushing herself off the wall of the building with a slight wobble. "Yeah. Just have to find a homicidal friendship lover on a densly packed street on a Friday night…easy…easy…

---ooo---

"Well, I think we can say with relative safety that this trip has been an absolute failure," said Dartz, as he, Alister, Valon, Raphael, and Ziggy sat on a corner of the street that had a sign that said 'Moping Zone from 3:00PM-9:00PM', as well as a few other people on the corner.

"Yep," said Alister.

"Yes," said Valon.

"I agree," said Raphael.

"We did not succeed in getting the Puzzle," said Dartz. "Heck, we haven't even _seen _Marik at all today. All we did was get mixed up with a killer rabbit, meet more than one relative I didn't want to see…and overall just moped about."

"We got in trouble and sucked into a parallel dimension," said Raphael.

"I need to go…" said Valon.

"I cannot believe it…" murmured Zigfried. "Vy vould Leon become so mad at me? Vat have I done to make him so upset?"

"Have you ever done anything specific that would give him a right to hate you?" asked Dartz.

"Well…maybe a few things here and zere…but nozing serious…" said Ziggy.

"What do you mean 'a few things here and there'?" asked Dartz.

"Well…" Zigfried mused…

---ooo---

"ZIGGY!" screamed a little kid Leon outside of a ten-year-old Zigfried's room, as he was reading a book. "I THINK I FELL AND BROKE MY ARM! CAN YOU HELP ME?"

"In a minute…" said Ziggy.

---ooo---

"ZIGGY!" screamed a little kid Leon outside of the same room, but now a twelve-year-old Zigfried sat in his comfy chair and continued to read the book. "I JUST GOT HIT BY A SIXTEEN WHEELER, AND I'M KIND OF BLEEDING ALL OVER THE PLACE! CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP PLEASE?"

"Almost done with zis chapter…" said Ziggy.

---ooo---

"ZIGGY!" screamed still another little kid Leon outside of the exact same room again, now with a sixteen year old Zigfried sitting in the chair. "A HUGE GANG OF THUGS HAS ME PINNED TO A WALL, AND NOW THEY'RE SAWING OFF MY LEGS WITH THE INTENTION TO SELL THEM ON E-BAY! IF YOU HAVE A SPARE SECOND, COULD YOU CALL THE POLICE?"

"Two more pages left…" said Ziggy.

---ooo---

"You know, it's a miracle that kid isn't shooting you down as we speak," said Dartz. "Honestly, no wonder he's trying to destroy the…"

He suddenly trailed off.

"Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!" said Dartz angrily. "I'M the one who wants to destroy the world! That little brat! He's cutting in on my street cred! Imagine how embarrassing it would be to attempt to destroy the world, and then to be beaten out by some little kid! I mean, yeesh! I'd be completely mortified!"

"Well, considering we'd all be dead, I think you'd get over it pretty fast," said Alister.

"That's not the point!" said Dartz. "It's the PRINCIPLE! I'm not going to stand for this! There's been a temporary change of plan boys! For the time being, we are going to combine our efforts to save the world!"

"Wow…this is a very odd twist of fate indeed…" said Raffy.

"COOL!" said Valon.

"Whatever," Alister groaned.

"And you're going to help us!" said Dartz angrily, pointing to Zigfried.

"VAT?" asked Zigfried.

"YOU'RE GOING TO HELP US, BECAUSE YOUR STUPIDITY CAUSED IT!" yelled Dartz. "Besides, I'm not giving Pegasus a reason to come back and discuss our various 'Family Problems' ever again!"

"But…but I can't!" Zigfried cried. "He'd never listen to me! Besides, it zounds like he's very cross with me already…"

"Don't care, probably never will," said Dartz. "Okay, now we just need to figure out where the little pest is…well, knowing him, anger and drive for revenge has already driving his basic reasoning through the ground so that it's on the same level of most one-celled organisms in cleverness of plots. So if we think like a stupid, power-mad loony, than we're good!"

"Okay Valon," said Alister, turning to his dim-witted Australian comrade. "If you were trying to take over the world, and we didn't know where to find you, how would we?"

"I'D LEAVE A DETAILED MAP SHOWING WHERE I WAS!" Valon said enthusiastically.

"Of course you would," said Alister. "And where would you put this detailed map?"

"Probably in the kitchen!" said Valon.

"Why would you put it in the _kitchen_?" asked Dartz.

"CAUSE THAT'S WHERE PIE IS BORN! AND I LIKE PIE!" said Valon.

"Of course!" said Dartz. "My God…for once in his miniscule life, Valon is acting like a genius!"

"Well, more like the opposite of one," said Raphael. "He's sort of like a Negative Genius…"

---ooo---

"_Oh Bob, not even a bunch of pulsating, puss-secreting aliens with six eyes and not mouths could keep me away from you, my beloved," said Jane, as she found a spot securely in the hot embrace of Bob's over-muscular arms._

"_Darling, I must say that skin tight mini-dress with a frighteningly low neckline and thigh-high boots are only complemented by your beautiful smile and the six-eyed-no-mouthed alien blood splattered all over you," said Bob in a low voice._

"_Bob…you promised if I slaughtered all the aliens on this floor…you'd kiss me…" said Jane._

"_Then lets make it slooooooooooooow…" said Bob, as the distance between their lips depleted more and more and more-_

Sandy's eyes shot over the cover of 'Love and Guts' (her favorite sci-fi/romance magazine) in response to the sound of the gentle tinkle of the bell over the doorway, signaling another victim that had entered Chez Moufette. She quickly slammed the magazine shut and stuffed it in the podium, then attempting to straighten herself out as best she could to create the feeling that she actually had been waiting with tremendous anticipation for their arrival.

"Bonjour Monsouir et…" she started, but then trailed off pathetically as the couple walked through the door, because frankly, while she knew the first figure was a man, she couldn't figure out if the second one was a man or a very ugly woman. "Um…welcome to Chez Moufette!"

"WOOT! SWEET!" said Joey. "AT LAST! I AM WHERE THE GEESE AND SALESEMEN RUN FREE!"

"…yeah…" said Sandy. "Table for two, I assume?"

"WHO TOLD YOU?" cried Joey, looking around to find the person who tipped her off about them wanting a table.

"Uh…yeah, this way," said Sandy, getting up from behind the podium and directing the two misguided youths to a table.

"-and that's why pineapple farmers all have huge scars from here to here!" said Bianca, pointing to both sides of her head, as she and Seto sat at their table, waiting for their waiter.

"Interesting…" said Seto. "So um…how did you manage to become so well versed in the knowledge of fruit?"

"Well…my parents either died or abandoned me because I had no brain!" said Bianca. "Either way, I was found and adopted by kind fruit farmers in a small town in northern Florida! There, I learned the ways of the fruit…what made the fruit happy…what made them said…why you shouldn't sit on overly ripe fruit…"

"How…tragic…" said Seto.

"Nah, it wasn't terrible!" said Bianca. "WOOT! IT'S THE WAITER!"

"Hello!" said Marik, walking up to the table, reading a script that was in his hands that had 'WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THE CUSTOMERS' in big, bold, red letters, just barely managing to make it out due to his minute kindergarten education. "My…name…is…'the name on your…nametag'…"

Marik looked utterly confused by the writing. He stared into space for a moment, as Seto just glared at him, and Bianca stared off into the distance too, wondering what he was looking at. Then, the lightbulb finally turned on and Marik quickly looked down at the nametag that was pined to his shirt to see just what his name was.

"Sorry, my name…is…is…kah…ke…ruh…" Marik said, trying to decifer the text, I CAN'T READ THIS CHILDISH HANDWRITING!"

"It says 'Marik' idiot," said Seto, his nerves calming down to the point where he had the ability to be bitterly sarcastic again.

"OH!" cried Marik. "…what a creepy name. Anyway, I shall be your killer tonight."

"DIE MANIAC!" screamed Bianca, whipping out a plasma cannon from under the table.

"Oh, wait! I'll be your _server _tonight!" said Marik, waving a defensive hand, as Bianca changed her mind, and blew up a nearby empty table instead. "Sorry, sorry, I have a bit of a blind spot for 's's and 'r's and 'v's."

"And 'e's on occasion too?" asked Seto.

"Shut up customer!" said Marik.

"We wish to remind all patrons that blowing up tables in the serving area is WRONG," said Sandy, as she escorted Tristan and Joey to their tables.

"Now then," said Marik, pulling out a pencil and a pad of paper. "What will you be ordering tonight?"

"DO YOU HAVE ICE CREAM?" asked Bianca.

"Is it on the menu?" asked Marik, with a dark smile on his face.

"HOW THE HECK SHOULD I KNOW?" asked Bianca.

"WELL I'M THE STUPID ONE, SO HOW THE HECK SHOULD _I _KNOW?" asked Marik.

"No, I'M the stupid one!" said Bianca.

"What the…I'M STUPIDER THAN YOU ARE!" said Marik. "I've been training all fifteen years of my life in the ways of stupidity! I know how to be perfectly stupid, thank you very much! I AM DA STUPID MASTER!"

"HA!" said Bianca. "Well guess what Mr. Dummy-Pants? I've been training all TWENTY TWO years of my sorry life on how to be stupid! I OWNZER YOU!"

"HA! We shall see!" said Marik. "What is two plus two?"

"TWENTY TWO!" said Bianca. "Who invented the Refrigerator?"

"A man named Refrigerator!" said Marik. "What kind of animal is a bunny?"

"A FURRY ANIMAL!" said Bianca. "What is the name of the eight planet from the sun?"

"GEORGE!" said Marik.

Both stared each other down.

"I see that I have met my match," said Marik.

"As have I," said Biacna.

"So…you want the ice cream then?" asked Marik brightly.

"YEAH!" said Bianca. "Do you have fruit flavor? I just looooooooove fruit!"

"WHATEVER!" said Marik, drawing a picture of a stick figure dog on the paper.

_WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? _Seto asked in his head.

"And what will you be having tonight skinny boy?" asked Marik.

"I'll have the steak, medium well, with baked potato instead of mashed," said Seto. "So anyway Bianca, you see I-"

"You'll _what_?" asked Marik angrily.

"Just have the steak medium well with baked potato instead of mashed," said Seto.

"OH-HO! I SEE!" said Marik. "Mashed potatoes aren't good enough for you, huh? Gotta get all FANCY PANCY on me, eh yah stupid rich boy pansy!"

"Huh?" said Seto.

"I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO GOOD FOR MASHED POTATOES!" screamed Marik, gripping the pencil so tighly in his hand that he snapped it in half. "YOU STUPID BUNCH OF TWITS! YOU MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP! YOUR KIND IS FULL OF NOTHING BUT MORTAL FOOLS! YO MOMMA WAS A-"

Before he could say another word, he was floored by a busboy trolley, sending him flying foreword on the ground.

"So sorry," said Odion, wheeling the trolley backwards, causing it to roll over Marik's back. "I'm SO utterly clumsy…we'll be here with your meal in a few minutes."

---ooo---

Next week…STUFF! I'm still kind of going through writers block…


	38. Untitled

…

Next chapter! WOOT WOOT!

**Chapter Thirty Eight**

**UNTITLED**

_In which we all feel sorry for Ryou_

"Hmm…yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers…" said Fubuki to himself, coming up to a wall, his face about three inches from it. "Yes indeed…this is most certainly a wall…"

"Like every other wall you've dragged us next to all day," Ryou said darkly. "How many walls do you need to stand next to before we ever hope to get the slightest lead to where Asuka is?"

"It is NOT like every wall we've looked at!" yelled Fubuki indignantly. "Every wall is special!"

"Well, I suppose they aren't carbon copies of each other, no…" said Ryou.

"For instance, the last wall we ran into was very happy-go-lucky and had a relaxed outlook on life!" said Fubuki. "Now THIS wall is clearly a solemn intellectual wall that tends to be a little bit broody!"

"Really?" asked Mobster. "I thought it was just a stuck-up jerk!"

"What?" asked ASV.

"…yeah…" said Ryou. "Let's see…we're probably somewhere on Brook Street right now, and Asuka was heading in the general direction of-"

"WAIT!" screamed Fubuki, slamming his face into the wall, causing several large bits of brick and plaster to fall out of it, as a bunch of cracks went up and down it upon impact.

"If your brain froze again, you just had to _tell _me," said Ryou. "I'd be more than willing to smash your head with something heavy."

"ASUKA'S BEEN HERE!" screamed Fubuki, digging his face out of the wall.

"Hm?" asked ASV.

"She's been here!" said Fubuki, wildly waving a pointed finger at the wall. "She's been here, because I caught a brief trace of her scent on it! She was leaning on this wall right here about a half hour ago! She's close…oh so close…"

"Her _scent_?" asked Ryou.

"Yeah…it's scenety…" said Fubuki. "Oh, and I also found a trace of her DNA, which due to the fact that my DNA identification device is under my tounge, I had to slam my face against the wall and furiously lick it!"

"…every day I learn something about you I don't want to know," said Ryou.

"For all we know, she could be in this building right now!" said Fubuki. "We need to go inside!"

"How do we know she's in there?" asked Ryou. "For all we know, she could have just stood by the wall and left."

"WE CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE!" said Fubuki. "We must become brave, undercover espionage experts and find out for ourselves…if only Butch was here…"

"That duck thing?" asked Mobster. "What happened to him anyway?"

"Well, when I got beamed up to the alien space ship I sort of lost him on the way. The signals must have been screwed up, and he was teleported somewhere else," said Fubuki. "Wherever he is…I HOPE HE'S HAPPY!"

"Aliens?" asked Ryou.

"How about this then?" said ASV. "You two try to get into the restaurant to see if Asuka's in there, and we'll patrol the city to try to find her if she's not."

"That's the most sensible idea I've heard all day...which is a bad sign that something senseless is about to happen. How can we contact you if we find anything?"

"I don't know…usually we use smoke signals…" said Mobster. "Oh, wait, hang on! I've got it! We'll use-"

With that, she twirled around, turning temporarily into a blur of smoke and air. When she slowed down, eventually stopping, she had in her hands-

"PORTABLE TELEGRAPH MACHINES!" she said, holding a huge, heavy-looking telegraph in each hand, nearly causing her to fall over from the strain of holding them up.

"SWEET!" screamed Fubuki, quickly snatching one out of her hands. With that, she teetered over in the opposite direction, crashing onto the ground.

"You do realize that I don't know Morse Code," said Ryou. "Do you Fubuki?"

"Oh! I do! I do!" said Fubuki. With that, he made a hacking noise in the back of his throat, followed by him spiting out a great wad of saliva onto his hand, eagerly holding it out to the other three, waiting for one of them to shake it.

"That…isn't Morse Code…" said Ryou.

"It's not?" asked Fubuki. "Then that punk from the YMCA owes me six bucks!"

"Well, that's okay, we don't know Morse Code either!" said Mobster cheerfully.

"So what your basically saying is that we're stuck," sad Ryou.

"Well, we kind of don't have any other options at the moment," said ASV in a bewildered tone. "The last time Mobster tried smoke signals, we were deported from Iceland."

"They had it coming to them, darn Icelandians…" said Mobster. "I mean, their houses are made out of _wood_. How stupid is that?"

"Not at all?" said ASV.

"Well, how about if either of us gives any kind of signal to the other, then that means that we found Asuka," said Ryou. "Fair?"

"Sounds good to me," commented ASV.

"Fat kid," Mobster muttered darkly.

"Oh come on, someone shake it!" Fubuki said saidly, offering his spit-drenched hand out to the others, who were all politely refusing. "DON'T LET MY SALIVA BE IN VAIN!"

"Please don't force me to partner with him…" said Ryou. His pleas were ignored.

---ooo---

"You sure this is the right place?" asked Dartz to the others, who were dressed up in clothing that was fit for some fancy dinner party.

"Yep!" said Valon, looking at the piece of paper, which contained crude drawings consiting of a flying cow, a WWII Airplane attacking said cow, a mermaid, a gang of pirates on a ship, a huge robot that had flames coming out of it's mouth, and a stick figure George Clooney. "According to this detailed map, we are to come to this restaurant and wait for our sorry lives to end."

"Alister!" Dartz said angrily to Alister, who was dressed in his normal Doom Biker outfit instead of a fancy tuxedo like the others. "Why aren't you wearing your outfit?"

"Because you can't pay me enough money to put THIS on…" snarled Alister darkly, holding up the black, sequin dress with a butterfly hem and a huge bow across the middle.

"Oh come on!" said Dartz. "People love it when you cross-dress!"

"Well one, I hate it, two, it gets dull and repetitive, and three, WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU WEAR THE DRESS?"

"Well, Raffy can't because he's too masculine, Valon can't because he's too masculine, and both me and Ziggy can't because we don't feel like it," said Dartz. "So really, all that leaves is you."

"What makes you think that I feel like doing it?" yelled Alister.

"Because you've done it before!" said Dartz.

"SO WHAT?" yelled Alister. "And while we're on the same note, how come I even HAVE to wear a dress?"

"Because this restaurant is a high-profile dating spot!" said Dartz. "If we don't go in with a date, then people will suspect something!"

"Oh yeah, because it's not at all suspicious that a girl would date five men at once," said Alister darkly.

"What makes you think we're all going in?" said Dartz. "We just need a couple in there so they can scan the inside and make sure nothing suspicious is going on. We're going to be patrolling the surrounding area for suspicious activity and attempting to break in by other means!"

"And just WHO is going in with me?"

Valon just smile deviously and gave Alister the eye.

"_NO_," snarled Alister.

"Alister, come on!" said Dartz. "It's for the better of mankind!"

"Don't care," said Alister.

"Alister…I can ask you nicely, or I can get out Jojo," said Dartz evilly.

"You…wouldn't…" Alister said.

Dartz just smiled darkly, and slowly, ever so slowly, pulled out a sock pupput with two buttons for eyes (a red one and a green one) and an X for a nose, as Alister shuddered in terror.

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!" Alister shrieked in terror. "BUT I WON'T LIKE IT! AND DON'T ANY OF YOU THINK THAT I'M TRYING MY HARDEST TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DESTROY THAT ENVOY OF PURE EVIL!"

"Yeah yeah Alister," said Dartz. "Just put the dress on."

---ooo---

"Another dead end…" said Asuka sadly, as she stood in front of a huge sign that said 'DEAD END' in a random alleyway. "All clues and trails are leading to naught…oh well…maybe then the one that lead me downtown may be the one that I'm-"

"Asuka?"

From somewhere in the alley, a muffled voice called out to her, as she gazed over her shoulder to glance at the speaker. However, what she saw was absolutely nothing but an empty exit to the alley. Figuring it was just a figment of her slowly depleting sanity, she ignored it.

"A-suk-aaaaaaaaaa…" said the voice again, causing Asuka to snap around, this time much quicker, to see that, once again, no one was behind her. She looked all over the place, but no one came foreward. She was once again staring at nothing but empty air.

"Alright…show yourself…" she said, instintivly creeping away from the source of the voice. "I'm warning you…I'm pretty cross the evening…"

"Asuka, it's me!" cried the voice, as Asuka finally identified the source…a large garbage can. Moving very slowly so as not to create too much excess noise, she crept up to the garbage can inch by inch, moving steadily forward until she became only a two feet away from the can. For a moment, she did nothing. Then, with lighting fast reflexes, she ripped the lid off with such force that it caused the can to wobble violently, falling on its side and spilling out its contents on the ground.

"Shou!" she cried in shock, as her friend and comrade lay on the ground, surrounded by the random contents that one would find in a garbage can (remains of food, broken glass, large bits of plastic wrap, etc). "What are you doing here? What were you…what?"

"Uh…funny story…" said Shou.

"WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO GO TO VEGAS AND ELOPE WITH A HILLBILLY?" yelled Alexis.

"Youthful ignorance?" said Shou.

"You don't say," said Alexis. "And becoming a runaway groom on top of everything else…"

"I have a fear of commitment," said Shou.

"I see," said Alexis. "And why you happened to be hiding in a garbage can?"

"Funny thing about the LVPD…when someone goes missing, they don't fool around…" said Shou. "It didn't help that my ex-fiance also turned out to be, not a Hillbilly, but a high profile military tactician who has access to a lot of really nasty, really deadly weapons, and she's crossing the country in a military tank with little care, if any, for whatever or whomever she runs over."

"We've seriously got to work on your taste in women," said Asuka. "Ah…never mind. Right now, we're trying to finally chase down the entity of evil and send it back to the horrible dimension which it came from…with or without the aide of the happy chorus."

"Friends?" chirped the oh-so-familiar voice of Seta, who stuck her head into the alleyway.

"FINALLY! LITERARY IRONY IS ON OUR SIDE!" cried Alexis. "SHOU! GET HER!"

"Can I blow her up when I do?" asked Shou.

"No!" yelled Alexis. "If you do, you'll release the chaotic energies from it's physical constraints and level this entire city block! Catch her, but bring her back in one-"

"Oh dear, she ran off," said Shou, as Seta happily skipped away from the alleyway, humming a happy tune.

"PURSUE! PURSE AND CAPTURE AT ANY AND ALL COSTS!" yelled Asuka, bolting off in the direction her hated adversary skipped off.

---ooo---

"Yes…uh huh…yes, they're purple, I swear…yes purple _and _wobbly you sicko," said Sandy, talking into the phone in the restaurant. "Honestly…yes I'm wearing them…yes…uh! How rude! How can you…no…NO! OF COURSE NOT! Honestly you…what…GREEN? You're kidding…green AND round? Oh my god, of all the sick little low-brows I've met in my entire life, you've got to be-"

Ding-ding-a-ling…

"Oh, sorry, got to call you back Ma," said Sandy, hanging up the phone, as Ryou walked into the restaurant. "Bonjour monseuir, and welcome to…"

She stopped in mid-french accent.

"Waitasecond…why are you…_alone_?" she asked darkly.

"Well, actually, I'm-" Ryou started.

"This is a fancy, date-tastic restaurant, pig dog…" she said. "A person who even halfway THINKS of coming alone or without a date must be…up to something…"

"No, you don't understand-" Ryou tried again.

"So what are you, HM?" Sandy said darkly. "A spy? A homicidal maniac? A member of a red-robbed pencilphilic gang of wanna-be world destroyers? A LIBRARIAN? A DERANGED LITTLE MAN WHO RUNS ALL OVER TOWN WEARING A TEA TOWEL AND SCREAMING THE WORD 'BUTT' AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS? WHAT IS IT? HUH? WHAT? WHAT?"

"Look, let me just-" Ryou started.

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DISGUSTING HEATHEN!" screamed Sandy at the top of her lungs, making a cross with both of her pointer fingers. "I'M CLEAN! I'M CLEAN! I BANISH YOU IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!"

"Please, could you just-" Ryou tried, in a much more irritated tone.

"HELP! POLICE!" screamed Sandy. "SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE! IT'S AN EMERGENCY! THERE'S A MADMAN HERE! HE'S MAD! MAD I SAY! HE'S OFF HIS NUT! SWAT TEAM! SEDATIVES! THE NATIONAL GUARD! ANYTHING! WOULD SOMEONE-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, _SHUT UP!_" yelled Ryou at the top of his lungs, nearly sending Sandy flying backwards in the force of his rage.

Silence, as several people quieted and looked up from their tables.

"…please…" said Ryou.

"Alright, yeesh," said Sandy, in a huffy tone. "Honestly, you don't need to throw a fit."

Ryou managed to safely conceal an angry twitch.

"I'm sorry…my…'date' will be just a second…" said Ryou angrily.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE SHE COMES, MS. A-MEEEEER-IIIIII-CAAAAAAAAA…" sung Fubuki at the top of his lungs, wearing a skin-tight black sequin dress with spaghetti straps, as well as black pumps, as well as, like Tristan, a ridiculous amount of makeup that almost made him look like a clown. Also, he had tried to do what seemed to be curling his hair, which turned out horribly, making him look like he was wearing a haphazardly ripped up piece of shag rug. On a positive note, as mentioned in one of the previous chapters, he had shaved his legs in anticipation of wearing some form of women's clothing. However, on a negative note, he had not shaved his pits.

"I see…" said Sandy, managing to muster a polite smile when her instinct was to scream out in mirthful laughter. "Well…it's not the greatest improvement, but it's legit. Welcome both of you to Chez Moufette!"

"I WUV YOU!" screamed Fubuki, grabbing Ryou in a bone-crunching hug. This twitch of anger on Ryou's part was not so easily hidden.

"You know, I'm very tempted to add insult to injury and put you at a table right next to the front window so that all who pass by could see you…" said Sandy with a sadistic smile.

"I'm very tempted to rip both your heads off with my bare hands, but I'm somehow holding back," said Ryou.

"Table for two in the darkest, most secluded part of the room it is then," said Sandy cheerfully.

---ooo---

Man, the chapters have been short lately…

Next time, subway race! Break ins! A sponge! And so much more! See you then!


	39. My Best Friend Spongy

I licked all the cookies!

Well, it's finally happened. I've been asked if I was a Fubuki-Ryou-shipper. After taking a quick look at some of the previous chapters, I thought…wow, it really looks that way, doesn't it? No, I just like to see Ryou in pain X).

**CHAPTER THIRTY NINE**

**MY BEST FRIEND SPONGY**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM-

"DARNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

-BAM SMACKA BAM BAM BAM-

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT I HATE THIS STUPID THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"

-RIP SLASH BANG SLAM BANG CRASH-

"Sandy, I told you to stop trying to solve the 'hard' Sudokos," said one of Sandy's coworkers to her, as Sandy was currently beating the podium to a state of a bunch of splinters with a very large, very heavy looking aluminum baseball bat, panting angrily, a vein bulging and pulsing on her forehead, as her mouth was gaping open, filled with ragged breaths of sheer anger.

"It temps me so…foul…siren…but now it's dead…" said Sandy, a darkly evil smile springing on her face.

"Actually, it's still in one piece," said the coworker, holding the Sudoko book gingerly by an extremely battered cover. Despite the cover, the book itself remained relatively intact.

That's when Sandy pulled out a flamethrower, aimed it at the book, and set forth a burst of flame, which promptly turned it into a ball of ash very quickly, as well as the man's left hand, which he used to hold it out.

"And now…it's not…" Sandy said with a cheerful smile.

"…you incinerated my hand…" said the other waiter.

"Shut up, customers, are coming," said Sandy, as the bell rung, and Alister and Valon walked into the room. "Bonjour monsieur et mademoiselle, and welcome to Chez Moufette!"

Alister and Valon entered the room, Alister wearing the dreaded dress that Dartz brought him, Valon just wearing a tuxedo, while holding Alister's hand. Alister's hand was completely limp in Valon's, and it looked like he was trying to will his arm to fall off, or at least go limp so he wouldn't have to feel Valon's ten layers of filth coated on his hands, because Valon's monthly hand washing had been eighteen days ago.

"Ah, another beautiful couple!" said Sandy oozingly, as Alister bit his lip in anger until a small trickle of blood slithered down a corner of his mouth. "The table for two, I'm assuming?"

"Table for TWO?" asked Valon in a confused tone.

"…yes, the table for two," said Sandy.

"Table…for two…table…for…" said Valon to himself. "HEY! Why would you want to give us a table for _two_? There's _three _of us, you stupid waiter! CAN'T YOU SEE?"

"…three of you?" Sandy echoed.

"Yes, THREE of us!" yelled Valon at the top of his lungs. "COUNT 'EM! ONE-" he pointed to Alister, "-TWO-" he pointed to himself, "-AND-"

He pointed to the right of him, but to his shock, no one was there. He continued to stare at the large portion of empty air that he was pointing to, looking for something to actually point at. For several seconds, everything was quiet.

"He must have snuck off…" said Valon.

"I…see…" said Sandy. "Table for two than?"

"MAKE IT SEVEN!" yelled Valon.

"…two it is then," said Sandy, picking up two menus. "And how are you doing this evening…miss…"

Alister looked like he was trying to bleed himself to death through his lips.

"Well, it's your fault for picking him, sweetheart," said Sandy, as Alister gripped Valon's hand with the intention to cut off all its circulation and cause it to fall off. "Oh well, this way please."

---ooo---

"I had three cookies in my backpack, but I gave one to a hungry squirrel, one to an evil old man, and then I ate one!" said Seta to herself, as she continued to skip down the street at a rather fast pace, unaware that she was being chased down by two special agents. "So I guess I don't have any now! Yayz!"

"CATCH HER SHOU! CATCH HER!" yelled Asuka angrily, as both of their footsteps hammered on sidewalk.

"I CAN'T!" sad Shou. "Besides, why are you bugging me? You have longer legs than I do!"

"Well your hair's more aerodynamic than mine!" yelled Asuka.

"No it's not!" yelled Shou angrily.

"…good point, just run!" yelled Asuka. "Oh…no, she's heading the subway!"

"That's bad right?" said Shou.

"She'll have complete access to any area of the town through an underground network, and with so many dozens of options of stops and re-entry points, it'll be virtually impossible to trace her!" said Asuka.

"Assuming that she has enough money!" said Shou optimistically.

"Uh…yeah," said Asuka. "JUST DON'T LET HER-"

Her comment was interrupted as the sound of boots bounced down the subway steps.

"Never mind just…GET HER!" yelled Asuka.

---ooo---

"When she said 'dark and secluded', I seriously thought she was kidding," said Ryou, as he and Bucky Drag-join, as they sat in a corner of the restaurant that was decorated with ceiling lights that were on it's last leg, buzzing and flickering at occasional points, cobwebs, two-inch-thick layers of dust, and a skeleton of what seemed to be a customer with a fork wedged in a bony hand.

"I think it's romantic!" said Fubuki.

"No one's here Fubuki, you can seriously stop pretending to be a girl now," said Ryou.

"Let me just brush my long hair, and re-do my makeup!" said Fubuki, plopping a little black purse on the table, and flipping through it, trying to find the necessary items he'd need for such a task.

"Fubuki…please stop…you're going to regret this later…well, no you aren't, but you should, so stop," said Ryou.

"I FEEL PRETTY!" sung Fubuki, brushing his hair with a sickeningly giddy smile on his face.

"Fubuki…" Ryou said dangerously.

"Does this outfit make me look fat?" Fubuki asked.

"…why am I friends with you again?" asked Fubuki.

"Evening repulsive shrew and his hot girlfriend," said Marik, walking up to the table, winking at Fubuki, who giggled, as Ryou slapped his face. "Welcome to Burger King…SORRY Mc-NO! Friend-NO! WHERE ARE WE? WHERE ARE-"

"Chez Moufette?" asked Ryou.

"Oh…yeah…whatever," said Marik, picking up the little notebook. "Welcome to…wherever the heck we are. How may I swerve-SERVE-you?"

"…can you start by leaving?" asked Ryou.

"Before I begin slapping you, I wish to introduce all of you to my greatest friend in the world, Spongy!" said Marik, pulling out a sponge that had a pair of eyes and a smiley face drawn on it in permanent marker. "Isn't he cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute?"

"…Spongy…" said Fubuki, his eyes wide. "What a…beautiful name…"

"Come to think of it, why don't we even have menus?" said Ryou.

"PICK PICK PICK! NAG NAG NAG! IS THAT ALL YOU DO?" Marik yelled angrily. "GOD, I HATE YOUR KIND, NITPICKER! YOU CAN NEVER JUST ACCEPT ANYONE'S MISTAKES, NOOOOOOOOOOO ALWAYS WANTING PERFECTION YOU-"

"Can I…hold him?" asked Atticus with shining eyes.

"…what?" asked Marik.

"Spongy…I want to hold him," said Fubuki. "Pleeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?"

"Fine, sure, whatever freak," said Marik, throwing the sponge at Fubuki's spongy head. "Now, back to my angry rant-FILTH! I CAN'T STAND TO EVEN LOOK-"

"SPONGY!" said Fubuki, giving the sponge a hug. "My true, first love!"

"WHAT?" yelled Marik.

"Don't worry Spongy!" said Fubuki bravely, lovingly embracing his cleaning tool. "Oh, dear Spongy! I have planed this day for ages! I shall take you away from the horrors of this life, to a land of happiness and joy!"

With that, leaped out of his chair, the sponge held tight in his arms, and screaming like a loony, ran away from the table as fast as he could.

"HOW DARE YOU TAKE SPONGY AWAY FROM ME?" screamed Marik, leaping over the table that Ryou sat at with one bound. "AH'LL KEEL YOU!"

Ryou only stared as the two sped all over the room, ricocheting off tables, walls, and sometimes other customers in their mad catfight over the love of Spongy the sponge, that became a melee of clanking, scratching sounds, yelling, and the occasional sound of shattering priceless table wear.

Silence.

"I'm almost hoping that they'll kill each other," said Ryou.

---ooo---

"RAILS OF DEATH?" screamed Shou, looking at the huge sign that was plastered over the ticket counter.

"It's pronounced 'Deeth'," said the man at the ticket counter, who looked very sad and grim. "Anyway…how may I provide you with lackluster and mediocre service today?"

"Yeah, have you seen a homicidal maniac that looks just like me, except wearing a green-and-white, spaghetti-starpped crop-top, a dusty pink skirt, and a pair of pink calf-high boots?" asked Asuka at the counter.

"Hang on, let me interrupt your query to make a personal phone call," said the man at the counter, dully picking up the phone, beginning to dial a number into it. "Hello Mom…yeah..I like kitties…the sky is blue…Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence…I want cheese…I'm an incredibly boring person…"

"Shou, try to question some of the people here," said Asuka. "I'm going to stay here in the off chance that he actually stops talking long enough to answer question."

"Won't he have to talk to answer it?" asked Shou.

"Demon first, logic later," said Asuka. "Just go!"

"STUPID KNITTING NEEDLES!" screamed an old woman at a bench, who was knitting what looked like a dead animal out of dull, muck-colored yarn. "ALWAYS STABBING ME! ONE DAY, I'LL SHOW THEM A THING OR TWO!"

"Excuse me Ma'am!" said Shou, walking up to the lady. "I was wondering if-"

"I'M A MAN YOU IDIOT!" yelled the…um, man, slapping Shou sharply across the back of the head. "HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS, YOU DOT-COM GENERATION GUTTER RAT!"

"I'm…sorry…" Shou squeeked, massaging the now injured spot on his head. "Um…but you're wearing a dress…"

"SHUT UP!" said the old man, giving Shou another swift slap at the back of his head. "Now what do you want, whipper-snapper?"

"Um…uh…have you seen a tall girl, wearing a-" Shou started.

"SPEAK UP!" yelled the man.

"Have you seen a-" Shou tried again, a little louder.

"I SAID SPEAK UP BRAT!" yelled the old man, decking Shou again.

"HAVE YOU SEEN A GIRL THAT'S ABOUT SIX FEET TALL, WEARS A-"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP!" yelled the man, once again decking Shou. "I'm not deaf you little brat!"

"Ah…sorry…" said Shou.

"SPEAK UP!" yelled the man, decking him again.

"SORRY!" yelled Shou.

"SHUT UP!" yelled the old man, slapping him on the back of the head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SUK-AAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Shou.

"No, it's never easy, is it?" sighed Asuka, as she buried her head in her hand, as the man at the counter continued to aimlessly blabber into his phone.

---ooo---

"Alright men, do we have all the tools necessary to break into this establishment?" said Dartz.

"Yes," said Raffy.

"Ja!" said Ziggy.

"Flashlights?" said Dartz.

"Here," said Raffy, holding one up.

"Rope?" said Dartz.

"Here!" said Ziggy, holding up a huge coil of it.

"Really hot black clothing?" said Dartz.

Raffy flexed his muscles that bulged against his skin-tight black turtle neck, as somewhere, a massive crowd of fangirls screamed at the top of their lungs.

"And last but not least…APPROPRIATE MUSIC?" Dartz said.

Ziggy held up a pink boombox, slammed his pointer finger on 'play', and began belting out the mission impossible theme song.

"THEN WE'RE READY!" said Dartz, pointing to the dark window that lead to the basement of the building. "MOVE FORWARD TROOPS! TODAY, WE GRASP VICTORY!"

They both snuck on their hands and knees toward the window, guided only by their hearts and the theme music. At about the same time they managed to reach that particular spot on the lawn that they could begin their break in, they stopped. Silent…waiting…

…

"Now what?" asked Raffy.

"Give me the glass cutter," said Dartz.

"…the what?" asked Raffy.

"The glass cutter…to cut the glass…so we can unlock the window and…creep in…" said Dartz, his tone becoming more and more agitated as the sentence went on.

"You didn't say anything about a glass cutter," said Ziggy.

"Of course…common sense…what made me think that either of you had it?" said Dartz. "Well, maybe if we can pop the window pane out of the frame using a pocket knife-"

"Pocket knife?" asked Raffy.

"Of course, that would be way too convenient too…" said Dartz angrily. "Okay, what do we have that we can use to break into this window?"

"Um…this rope!" said Raffy.

"How will that work?" asked Dartz.

"We…could…make…it…into a whip?" Raffy tried.

"…I wish you brought your medicine…" said Dartz.

"Wait!" said Ziggy. "Zey say zat you can use diamonds to cut glass, yez?"

"Yes, why?" asked Dartz.

"Well, Herr Raphael's muscles are quite large and as dense and amazing as zeez diamonds!" said Ziggy. "Vee can use his muscles to cut zee glass!"

"Well, that's the stupidest idea that I've heard all night," said Dartz. "However…giving it a slight modification…maybe not! Raffy can just punch out the window!"

Silence.

"Though in retrospect, it feels a little stupid that I didn't think of that earlier," said Dartz. "Whatever! FIRE AWAY!"

With one quick punch, the glass shattered with a loud crash, as large panes flew all over the place, all clattering and shattering on each other and the ground.

"Ooooooh because it makes so much noise done that way…" said Dartz, sweat dropping at his own stupidity.

"Quick, let us-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ziggy, as he jumped in, but one still-protruding piece of glass gave him a small cut on the palm of his hand. "MEIN GOTT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH PAIN! BLOOD! AAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Now I know why it was such a bad idea to take idiots along on this mission…" said Dartz. "Raffy, can't you shut him up?"

With one swift move, Raffy dove into the tiny hole (a bit of a surprise with his muscles) and clobbered Ziggy at the back of the head. With that, Ziggy teetered over and fell to the ground, knocked completely unconscious.

"NOT THAT WELL!" yelled Dartz.

"Well at least he's being quiet," said Raffy.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…" Dartz said, suppressing a scream of furry.

---ooo---

"Well, at least we haven't seen anything weird or suspicious, right Girly Man?" said Valon, sitting with a very angry Alister at the table.

"Uh, hello?" said Alister. "The second we've gotten into this mess, everything we came in contact with in this restaurant is weird! The waitress was nuts, this place is swarming with date-goers, there's a three foot tall kid hitting on a girl that looks twice his age-"

"Yugi, I think they're talking about us," whispered Tea across the table.

"-and on top of everything else, there's a pirate playing the violin in the corner who sounds like he's killing a cat!" yelled Alister angrily.

"Yarg, well 'Crawling' isn't the easiest thing tah turn into a sea-shanty, yeh barnacle-gutted little pansy," said the pirate angrily, trying to play the violin with the violin bow loosely to his hook.

"And no sign of any pencil-nuts either," said Alister. "Now can we please go, or can I at least get out of this dress?"

"But Girly Man, for all we know, the pencil bandits can be lurking anywhere!" said Valon.

"That would be as likely of a team of neurological scientist finding any function in your brain," said Alister. "Whatever, I'm just going to-"

"I'LL SAVE YOU SPONGEY!" screamed Marik, as Fubuki crashed into their table at full speed, causing it to completely break in half and collapse on the ground, nearly sending Alister and Valon flying out of their chairs. Frantically, Fubuki scampered into an upright position and broke into a run as fast as his legs could carry him, while Marik leaped on the table and, using it as a springboard, threw himself in the air, landing hard on the ground, and causing him to chase wildly after Valon.

Silence.

"Wow…that was stupid," said Alister.

"Yes, I am!" said Valon.

"The girl was pretty cute though…" said Alister.

"Yeah…" said Valon.

Silence.

"So…now what…" said Alister, looking bewildered at the table that was lying on the ground.

"Let's stare lovingly into each others eyes!" said Valon, his huge, blue eyes suddenly growing to twice their size.

"Stick a sock in it Valon," said Alister.

---ooo---

"Well, it looks like we're just going to have to sit tight and wait for the next stop," said Asuka, as she and Shou barely managed to cram their way onto the overcrowded and densely packed subway. "Our tip says she's heading towards downtown, so we're just going to have to travel on this route, and cut her off when we make the exit."

"That sounds so simple, it more than likely is going to fail!" said Shou cheerfully."

"No one likes a pessimist Shou," said Alexis dully. "Besides, it's not like there's any way you can possibly get brutally maimed on this place. Sure it's tightly packed, inadequetly lit, and filled with strange, fuzzy objects that seem to scamper across the floor but-never mind, we're in a death trap on wheels."

"WHEW!" said Shou. "Thanks Asuka, I-WHAT THE HEY?"

"Just quiet down," said Asuka. "Maybe we can pass the time by-"

"THERE YOU ARE, YOU FILTHY WHIPPER SNAPPER!" yelled the old man in the dress, walking up to Shou with a very pointy, very scary looking cane. "I'M GONNA TEACH YOU A LESSEN YE'LL NEVER FORGET!"

"AAAAAAH! ASUKA! HE'S COME BACK TO KILL ME!" screamed Shou, nearly jumping into her arms in terror.

"Shou come on, she's just a little old lady-" Asuka said.

"I'M A MAN YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WHELP!" screamed the old man, giving Asuka a sharp slap at the back of her head with his cane. "AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR INSULENCE, BOTH OF YOU MUST RUB MY FEET!"

"What?" said Asuka. "That's ridiculous! Why would anyone want to-"

However, her tune quickly changed as the old man gave her four sharp smacks at the back of her head for saying such things, causing her to nearly fall into the huge mass of commuters.

"OKAY! OKAY!" she cried in pain. "STOP IT ALREADY! YEESH! I GIVE! I GIVE!"

"THAT'S BETTER!" said the old man, pulling off a shoe and sock, revealing a huge, wrinkled, not-too-attractive looking foot, covered in yellowed toenails, and very sickening looking patches of crumbly dry spots. "START RUBBING BOYS AND GIRLS!"

"…Asuka…I think…I've just gone blind…" said Shou.

"I can only pray…" said Asuka.

---ooo---

Next time, another sinister plot, and several crazy random things that seem to get in it's way! See you soon!


	40. The Passion of Bucky 10Join

Oooh, I'm scary!

Here's the next chapter! Oh my god…Forty? No way…forty? That's like…OLD! And I'm late! Very late! Hey, wait a minute…how come we drop the 'u' from four when we spell 'forty'? That completely makes no sense! DARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

**Chapter Forty**

**THE PASSION OF BUCKY 10-JOIN**

"Eh…vat…vat am I…" said Zigfried, as his eyes slowly opened, despite the huge lump on his head.

"Cool, he's up," said Dartz dully, giving him a killer glare.

"Darnit, he's up," said Raffy, holding an air horn, a huge mallet, and a rubber chicken over Ziggy's head, looking incredibly eager to use them.

"Um…ja…so uh…" said Ziggy.

"Well, we've managed to break into a public restaurant despite a devastatingly large amount of noise and lack of outward resistance from the police," said Dartz-

---ooo---

"Say chief, it appears that this window was broken into by force, and that there are three strange men in black clothing inside," said a police officer to the chief outside. "Should I beat the living sugar out of them and drag them out while the warrant's pending?"

"Whoa whoa whoa Officer Lookoutforthemonkey," said the Chief. "Who do you think you are, some dude from 'Grey's Anatomy'?"

"Isn't that, like, a hospital show?" said Officer Lookoutforthemonkey.

"Shut up blueface," said the Chief. "Just go string an exhausting amount of 'Police Line-Do Not Cross' tape, and I'll go call 'Wildest Police Videos'."

---ooo---

"-so the only thing we have to do is worry about is finding some significant clue that provides a fair introduction for the upcoming chapter before they finish up stringing the police tape or the reader's tiny attention span runs out and they need to switch to the next scene anyway," said Dartz.

"LOOK! I FOUND A CLUE!" said Raffy, pointing to a little piece of red cloth on the ground that had a huge 'A CLUE' sign pointing to it.

"Hm…red cloth…it's such an obvious clue that we must be on the right trail!" said Dartz. "This way men!"

_Meanwhile in the next scene Ryou was having the worst date ever_

"What kind of idiot shoves gum in a power outlet?" Ryou asked, holding a limp power cord that was attached to a bunch of some of the most technologically advanced instruments devised by mankind…which of course only worked when it was plugged in. "I knew I should have sprung for a portable generator instead of buying a bunch of microphones so I can make stuff for 'YouTube'…"

"Hey dude, I'm a generic idiotic minion placed in the story solely to help get the plot moving," said a guy in a tone just loud enough to be heard dressed in red robes, standing in some convient shadows toward the edge of the room near the 'Employees Only' door.

"Me too, said another minion in the shadows. "Let's go through this door that clearly stands out as something that a normal person shouldn't walk through, thus adding the element of temptation along with their curiosity to find out what a pair of strange men in red cultist robes would be doing in a fancy restaurant."

"Right behind you," said the other guy with a stupid smile, giving his buddy a nod. With that, the two quietly slunk over to the door, and barely making any noise, they opened it with barely a creek and slunk in.

"Hm…my supporting character instincts are tingling…I have a strong, carnal urge to follow them," said Ryou to himself. "However, being well aware of the spiritual sanctity of the Employees Only door, I have a feeling that if I make any sort of move to invade such a holy sanctuary, I will possibly face some sort of guardian force of a bizarre and perhaps sinister…"

Silence.

"Well, I'm friends with a maniac, so it can't be that much different…" said Ryou, opening the door.

---ooo---

"Attention passangers! We are now entering our next exit! Welcome to downtown-huh…entering our next exit…that's sort of a conundrum, isn't it? No, it's not…but…it sounds cool, doesn't it? Entering our next exit? I mean, the words are complete and utter opposites, so to be used in the same sentence, separated only by a small conjunction, isn't that something? It reminds of this one time I was with my-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

BAM SLAM BAM CRASH KA-PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

"Hello, I'm a subway announcer that doesn't go off on tangents. Welcome to downtown Domino City!"

The subway slowly crawled onto the exiting platform, as it slowed down (caused by a decrease in overall velocity, also refered to as negative velocity, which can be calculated by measuring distance over time, so as an object slows down, it's covering less distance overtime. If you want to calculate velocity at home, simply use the standard formula VelocityDistance/Time. For extra fun, calculate velocity at several points, draw them on a graph, and calculate the slope (change in y/change in x) to find acceleration!) to an eventual stop with a slow, squeaky screatch from it's brakes. The door of the subway opened automatically with a dull scraping sound, as a bunch of people eagerly scampered off to tend to their own affairs.

On staggered, trembling steps, Shou and Asuka both slowly walked out of the door, wobbling and trembling, and nearly falling onto the ground, as if they had been on a boat.

"That…was perhaps one of the more traumatic events of my young life…" said Asuka.

"It feels…like my soul's dying…" said Shou.

"That man REALLY has ugly feet," said Asuka.

"Uh…huh…" said Shou weakly.

"Well…we can't wallow in past failures!" said Asuka. "We may have been severely abused on many levels, but the trail of Seta continues!"

"But how are we going to pick up her trail?" asked Shou.

"Insane people often attract and are attracted to insane people," said Asuka. "All we need to do is find a suspicious person and question him or her until we have the answers we need!"

"That sounds dangerous…" said Shou.

"Compared to everything else we've done today, it's about as easy as it gets," said Asuka. "Okay, who looks suspicious?"

"REPENT SINNERS!" screamed a man dressed in a chicken suit, sitting in the middle of subway station on a blanket next to a sign that said 'High Praise to the Poultry'. "THE AGE OF MAN IS SLOWLY ENDING, AND THE AGE OF THE CHICKEN PEOPLE IS UPON US!"

"Found one!" Shou said, pointing to the man.

"Excuse me sir!" Asuka called, running up to the prophet in a chicken suit. "Have you seen someone pass b-"

"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled the man at the top of his voice. "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THE NAME OF A COMMMON PEASANT? YOU MUST REFER TO ME AS SLAP-JIM-BOB, THE ALL SEEING EYE OF POLTROIDS!"

"…I'm sorry," said Asuka. "Have you seen-"

"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" yelled Slap-Jim-Bob, The All Seeing Eye of the Poltroids. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THE WORD 'HAVE' IN A SENTENCE? FROM NOW ON, IF YOU WISH FOR THE ALMIGHTY SLAP-JIM-BOB THE ALL SEEING EYE OF THE POLTROIDS TO ACKNOWLEGE, YOUR PRESENSE, YOU MUST SAY 'ART THOU' INSTEAD OF THE DISGUSTING WORD!"

"Um…Art…thou…seen the-"

"HEATHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" he yelled again. "TRULY YOU ARE OF A PUTRID BLOOD IF YOU USE SUCH COMMON WORDS AS 'UM' IN YOUR SENTENCES! IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD WORDS TO SAY BESIDES WORDS EXPRESSING A TEMPORARY LOSS OF WORDS, THAN MAY YOUR SOUL BE DEVOURED BY THE RABID MAN-PEANUT ZORTHRAR!"

"FINE! ART THOU SEEN SOME CHICK WITH A PINK SKIRT AND HUGE EYES RUNNING AROUND CARRYING A HUGE RABBIT?" yelled Asuka at the top of her lungs in frustration.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed the man in the chicken suit. "SURELY YOU DO NOT SPEAK OF ONE WHO WEARS A PAIR OF PINK BOOTS?"

"Yes, she does," said Asuka eagerly.

"AND WITH SHORT BROWN HAIR?" asked the chicken man.

"Yes, yes that's right!" said Asuka.

"AND DOES SHE SING IN THE SHOWER, EAT HER PIZZA BACKWARD, AND DANCES WHILE WEARING FUZZY UNDERWEAR?" asked the chicken man.

"Uh-I mean I don't know…but it doesn't sound _terribly_ out of something that she'd do…" said Asuka.

"THEN THE TIME OF THE APPOLCOLYPSE HAS ARRIVED!" screamed the man at the top of his lungs, getting up from his small corner of the station, knocking over the sign in his mass panic. "THE DARK MISTRESS WALKS THIS EARTH! RUN! FLEE! CONFESS FOR ALL THINE SINS! THE RAIN OF ACID CHICKENS SHALL BEGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!"

He then ran screaming at the top of his lungs all the way out the door, screaming and crying his head off, as many people stared as politly as they possibly could, as well as trying to stifle laughs of mirth.

"And everyone calls me nuts for thinking she's completely evil," Asuka said.

"And your saying that guy is sane?" asked Shou.

"…good point, let's just go…" said Asuka.

---ooo---

"Hm…interesting…" said Ryou, as he walked down the long corridor that spanned from the 'Employees Only' door. It actually seemed to be a walkway that was constructed entirely of columns of ancient, crumbling stone, covered from top to bottom with ruins dating to a long lost era of peace and prosperity throughout the realms.

"It seems that this is actually some sort of ancient tomb from a long lost age…which is both appropriate for a plot point and not straying too far from the vague sense of reality that holds this story together," said Ryou. "Now then, since we're in an ancient temple, that means this place is probably coated wall-to-wall with traps."

The second he finished saying the previous sentence, a huge axe came out of nowhere, crashing into the opposite wall. If Ryou had been three centimeters farther backward, he would have had his entire back ripped off.

"HA! Mere boobie-traps can't kill me!" said Ryou triumphantly. "I'm a supporting character!"

SMASH!

"But…they can cause…grievous injuries…that instantly heal…" said Ryou, on the ground in extreme pain after a mallet burst out from the wall somewhere, giving him a good, solid deck on the head. "Now comes the inevitable insult to injury."

"'Ello punk," said a huge, snarling, masculine voice above Ryou's head, as he was staring at the sparkly shoes seemingly attached to a fat, hairy pair of legs. As his eyes found their way up the colossus, the stopped to see that the man…woman…homo sapien in front of them was wearing a pink tutu, had a pair of sparkly fake wings, and held a wand that turned out to be a tin-foil wand taped to a popsicle stick.

"Wow, I've magically been restored to full health to face any punishment that you give me," said Ryou, suddenly getting up, completely healthy.

"Oim da beautiful fairy princess sent to destroy you," said the man/woman/lump of DNA that stood in Ryou's path. "Prepare to die, meat puppet."

"Whoa whoa whoa, lets back up for a second," said Ryou. "Ms…Mr…Fairy Princess, why do you need to destroy me?"

"Cause diss in an ancient tomb, and dat's da kind of stuff that happens in ancient tombs," said the Fairy Princess. "Now back to dying."

"Why the heck would they hire an androgynous fairy princess to guard an ancient tomb?" said Ryou. "And come to think of it, I'm seriously questioning if I'm the last man in this entire story that hasn't cross dressed once."

"Dude, what does 'androgynous' mean?" asked the Fairy Princess.

"…man, you can just cut the subtext of this story with a knife," said Ryou.

"GET READY TA DOI YA PANSY!" said the Fairy Princess, raising his/her wand up in the air.

"Oh yeah, tin foil," said Ryou flatly, as the Fairy Princess's muscles flexed in a rather threatening manor. "Whatever shall I do in the face of a man who can attract radio signals?"

However, just as he finished saying that, a bunch of really scary gothic church music played in the background, as the wand grew within the fairy princess's hands, until it suddenly became a three-foot long saber with the edges of the tin foil star now turned to razor-sharp steel, with the words 'THE DOOM' written on it in huge, sparkling, blood-red letters.

"Oh…I hate irony…" said Ryou acidly.

"TOIM TO DOI!" screamed the fairy princess, raising back the wand like a coiled spring.

_Figures it ends here…_Ryou thought, as the scene suddenly unfolded in front of him in slow motion. _Why is it that the really angsty-looking people have to die first? Is there no sense of justice in the fandom? Is that the way life has to be? Darn…just think of everything I'm going to miss…college…marriage…kids…new episodes of 'House'…_

"DO NOT LAY A HAND ON THE INNOCENT ANGST-HEAD, OH MIGHTY FAIRY PRINCESS!"

Both of them turned around vaguely to see the mighty avatar of insanity, the champion of the ludicrous, the paladin of silliness, MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI FUBUKI-CHAN!

"Fubuki! What the heck are you doing down here?" yelled Ryou angrily. "And…why are you wearing slightly more ridiculous clothing than usual?"

"HA! I AM NOT FUBUKI!" said Fubuki. "I am the deathbringer to the sane! I am the guardian angel that strikes down on all who dare to be normal! And you are threatening my friend, therefore, I must punish you in a highly unpleasant manor!"

"Well oim prettier dan you are," said the Fairy Princess.

"CHYAH RIGHT! IN YOUR DREAMS!" said Fubuki. "AT LEAST PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT GENDER I AM!"

"Not necessarily true," said Ryou.

"SHUT UP MAN BOOBS!" said Fubuki.

"At least people are afraid of me!" said the Fairy Princess.

"At least I'm not wearing pink!" said Fubuki.

"At least when oi wear a skirt, oi have the guts to say it's a skirt and not 'decorative lace'!" said the Fairy Princess.

"…touché," said Fubuki. "Anyhoo, TIME TO UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE MAGICAL GOTH-LOLI-NESS!"

"DEN YOU SHALL BE BURNiNATED!" screamed the Fairy Princess.

_The following is paid announcement from some really fat government officials wanting to impress you before elections_

"Hello, I am Shrilanka-San, writer of this fanfiction," said Shrilanka, sitting in a chair in front of her computer. "I have been paid a massive amount of money, amounting to four dollars, twenty four cents, and a handful of reduced salt peanuts to inform the general public of the many risks of releasing two major sources of feminine male energy at the same time. You see, feminine male energy is an incredibly difficult power to master, because it contains the elements of both masculinity and femininity for reasons that science has yet to explain."

_In other words she was too lazy to look it up_

"Shut up italics!" yelled Shri. "So when these two distinct elements come in contact with each other, the girl power reacts against the guy power-"

_Boy, this sounds a thousand times more disgusting than it should_

"I SAID SHUT UP ITALICS!" yelled Shri. "So basically…there's a really big explosion…yeah…so if you possess kick-ares girly-man powers, use them wisely, for if not, bad things can happen man…really bad things…yeah…"

_You just didn't feel like writing a really dramatic fight scene so you just made this really bad public service announcement instead_

"Uh…yeah, pretty much," said Shri awkwardly.

_You know you can get arrested for that, right?_

"…I don't know who you are, but I won't easily forgive this…" said Shri.

---ooo---

"Wow…that was possibly the most amazingly dangerous natural phenomenon I have ever witnessed that I miraculously survived without a single scratch on me for no adequately explored reason," said Ryou, amidst the smoldering rubble that used to be that particular section of the tomb, as Fubuki and the Fairy Princess both lay in a crumpled heap. "Yay for literary impossibilities."

"Ryou…come…closer…" said Fubuki, laying in a heap on the ground.

"Oh no," said Ryou. "The last time I fell for that one, you tried to shave my hair off."

"I…don't think…I'll last…much…longer…" said Fubuki.

"I told you to go before we went to the restaurant, but do you ever listen? No," Ryou said.

"I can only pray…a day will come…where there…will be no need for man skirts…where anyone…can wear anything…and society…can accept that…" said Fubuki. "I will wait…for that day…patiently…"

"You don't have to pause every two words…its rather creepy frankly," said Ryou.

"Take…good care…of…Spongey…" said Fubuki.

"What about your sister?" asked Ryou.

"I have a sister?" asked Fubuki.

"Yeah…Asoka…" said Ryou.

"Now you're doing it!" said Fubuki.

"…okay, why are we friends again?" asked Ryou.

"ROSEBUD!" screamed Fubuki, before he completely collapsed on the floor.

---ooo---

"Skipping, skipping, skipping away, la la la la la…" sung Seta, happily bouncing up the street toward the restaurant.

"HOW THE HECK CAN ONE GIRL SKIP SO FAST?" yelled Shou, as he and Asoka continued to chase after her as fast as they could.

"Come to think of it, how come we managed to get all the way from the subway station to this point so quickly?" asked Asuka.

"You're the smart one, you should be telling me!" said Shou.

"We're catching…up!" Asuka panted. "Come on Shou…just a little farther!"

FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Asuka dug her heals into the ground as hard as she could to stop herself, causing Shou to bump into her back, as she managed to halt just in time. From around the corner, a huge pillar of flame shot out in front of her, nearly consuming her in flames, but somehow missing Seta, who continued to skip merrily down the road. Before Asuka could even think of taking up the pursuit, she was halted by a huge, reloading 'click', followed by the footsteps that can only be caused by spiked healed, black leather boots, as what stepped forward revealed itself to be the figure of a familiar face.

"Hello Asuka…Shou…" she said, a carnal smile on her face, as she pointed the mega plasma cannon/flamethrower with 'Forebreeze' printed across it.

"Red Dwarf?" asked Asuka in realization, as Red Dwarf smiled another sinister smile, darkly pleased that she was recognized. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be…I mean…"

"Funny," said Red Dwarf. "When someone is staring down the throat of a plasma cannon, you'd think they'd try to run…"

"No, I mean…this is just such a radical change!" said Asuka. "You really, really don't look very well-"

"I'm bored, time to barbeque you," sad Red Dwarf.

"Hey! That's really rude!" said Shou.

"I don't care anymore…" said Red Dwarf. "I've lost everything. Seto's gone. DUMBARSE has completely collapsed…the schools in ruins…my best agents have been dubbed…I'm fed up. I have nothing left to lose anymore. And I'm making it so no one else will either."

"Explain," said Asuka.

"When Ebony Crow got dubbed, I didn't know what to do," said Red Dwarf. "I tried to call a meeting of my fellow fangirls…but they were all gone…dubbed…all of them…there was nothing I can do…I couldn't get a single word out of them that made any sense and wasn't stupidly voiced."

"Oh…" Asuka said.

"I was devastated…I didn't know what to do…so I turned away from it all…" said Red Dwarf. "After a brief period of angst that didn't get any screen time in this story, I'm reborn. I am determined to turn my vengeance into my power, a power that will shatter the foundation of the horror of dubbing!"

"Soooooooo…why are you pointing the cannon at us?" asked Asuka.

"You're in my way, don't take it personally," said Red Dwarf.

"In other words, this is just a period of blind destruction," said Asuka.

"Shut up and get crispified," said Red Dwarf, as her finger twitched around the trigger.

---ooo---

Will Asuka and Shou survive? What horrors await at the end of the Employee's Only hall? Find out next time!

Paid for by Future Physics Nerds of America.


	41. NOT SO FAST!

It's goooooooooooooood stuff!

Okay people, it's finally here. The one. The only. This is the…second to last chapter. Yes. It's true. I'm not lying. I swear! After spending chapter after chapter of trying to tie the loose ends of the million mabazillion subplots to the story, and to prevent it from dragging to oblivion, the day has finally come where I successfully managed to do it!

Oh yeah, and thank you all for being patient while waiting for me to respond to all of your reviews. You people are awesome!

ONTO ZEE NEXT CHAPTER!

**Chapter Forty One**

**NOT SO FAST!**

Marik actually looked like he was trying to use his brain.

This was a bad thing on multiple levels of reality. It was bad because his eyes were open so wide it looked like he was trying to pop out his eyeballs. He also looked like he was borderline of having a seizure, twitching violently. He looked so focused that if someone even brushed against him, he'd explode. His teeth grit, he growled angrily, he focused every aspect of his bleached-blonde power to overcome one small, pathetic obstacle-

"Marik…"

_Concentrate…concentrate…concentrate…_

"Marik?"

_Consentrate…consentrate…_

"Woo hoo. Marik…"

"Can't…talk…Odion…consen…trat…ing…" said Marik, barely managing to squeeze out the words between his teeth.

"…I'm not going to have to hit you again, am I?" asked Odion.

"Force field…around door…too strong…Spongy…inside…can't…" Marik said.

"What? Force field?" asked Odion, turning to the Employee's Only door, of which Marik was concentrating on so hard that it looked like he was going to make it disintegrate. "There isn't a smeggin' force field!"

"Yes…there…is…" said Marik.

"Uh, no there isn't," said Odion, easily reaching out for the doorknob, and opening the door with one quick twist.

"GAH!! ODION! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marik. "I HAVE NOT YET RELEASED THE SEAL! YOU UNLEASHED A PLAUGE OF A THOUSAND TRIALS UPON OUR HOMES AND FAMILIES! THE HUMAN RACE WILL WITHER AND DIE!"

"Marik, it's an 'Employees Only' sign, not a magic ward," said Odion. "And even if it was, notice how we are employees. There isn't going to be any lasting harm if we walk in there."

"…there isn't?" asked Marik.

"No," said Odion.

"Not at all?" asked Marik.

"Uh…no," said Odion.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS SOONER?" screamed Marik. "SPONGY COULD BE DYING IN THERE!"

"Because I need every single superstition that your brain cell revolves around to keep you from giving me a perpetual migrane," said Odion.

"SPONGY! THINE ENEMIES BLOOD SHALL BE THE FORFEIGHT OF THE PEACE!" screamed Marik, charging into the hallway full speed, as somewhere in the background "I'm a Heroine" began to play at max volume.

"I should have just let him have a heart attack," groaned Odion to himself, once again, reluctantly following him.

---ooo---

"Hm…doesn't it seem just a little too obvious a trail that we're following?" asked Dartz to Ziggy and Raffy, as the two continued to creep through the underground level of the building.

"Nein," said Ziggy.

"No, not in particular," said Raffy.

"Oh come on!" said Dartz. "I mean we're following a trail of little ripped up bits of cloth. PURPOSLY ripped up bits of cloth. I mean, this is a false trail! What is the other explanation? One of their cloaks is shedding?"

"YES!" said Raffy and Ziggy.

"…uh…huh…" said Dartz. "Regardless, I feel suspicious. We should take great caution as to not draw attention to ourselves. We need to be quiet, stealthy, blending into the shadows, and if danger comes, able to disappear into the shadows with speed and skill."

"Aaaaaaaw…" said Raffy, who had a huge string of lights around him arranged in a pattern that said 'we're trying to break in!' and Ziggy, who had an air horn in each hand and a huge amplifier on top of his head.

"Oh right, I forgot you were idiots," Dartz. "No matter what happens don't let yourself get-"

Before he said another word, a huge cage dropped down from the ceiling, landing with a huge, loud _CLANG _on the ground, completely surrounding him, Raffy, and Ziggy.

"…caught…" said Dartz.

"Can I turn on my lights now?" asked Raffy.

"Germans invented cages!" said Ziggy, poking the bars.

"DON'T YOU START THAT STUPID ARGUMENT AGAIN!" said Dartz.

"Actually, Egyptians invented cages," said Yugi, who was stuck in a cage about ten feet away from them.

"AND DON'T YOU ENCOURAGE HIM!" said Dartz, pointing an angry finger in Yami's direction.

"Well, well, well," said Leon, with two huge, red-robed pencil-cult representatives at his side, each holding a dub cannon with full clips. "It seems that I have caught you at last ZIGGY! Now it looks like _I'm_ going to be making the rules from now on!"

"Who's the girly kid?" asked Ziggy at the corner of his mouth to Dartz, as Dartz suddenly felt like bashing his own head against one of the iron bars of the cage.

"Girly…kid…" said Leon, with tears welling up in his eyes…tears that quickly turned into pure, unrelenting, rage. "GIRLY KID? AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH-"

"-_loud_ girly kid," said Ziggy at the corner of his mouth.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Guards, take him to the inner chambers! Prepare for…the final evil rant!"

"Can't you just do it now and get it over with?" asked Dartz.

"Mmm…no," said Leon.

"Why not?" asked Dartz.

"Because we've got to see how everyone else is doing first!" said Leon.

"Why do we have to do that?" said Dartz. "It's tedious and boring!"

"It's called subplots! Deal with it!" said Leon. "SWITCH THE SCENE!"

---ooo---

"…Hey Asuka…" Shou whispered at the corner of his mouth, as he and Asuka were both trembling in fear on the sidewalk.

"…yeah?" she replied.

"How long is Red Dwarf going to stand there ranting about her personal problems before she blows us up?" asked Shou.

"-and then when I was in third grade, Jimmy STOLE my pencil, and not only was the eraser completely gone, but it was CHEWED! CHEWED ON I SAY! What kind of sick and dirty mind CHEWS on a pencil?" screamed Red Dwarf. "And it was that day that I began the long road of-"

"I dunno…good people who suffered a massive amount of trauma to an extent that they turn into emo villians tend to rant for an indefinite period of time…" said Asuka.

Quiet between them, as Red Dwarf continued to angst.

"How come we aren't running for our lives?" asked Shou in a hushed tone once again.

"We can't," said Asuka. "Our witness to the emotional breakdowns of a villain is union mandated."

"We're part of a union?" asked Shou.

"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "Union number 352, The Hero's and Comical Side Kicks Union. The Comical Side Kicks wanted to start a union of their own, but they still need to cut through all the red tape."

"Huh. I didn't know," said Shou, as the ranting continued, with a few dry sobs thrown into the mix. "Do we have any other restrictions?"

"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "When you register to become a part of the union, they give you a whole book on what you need to know," said Asuka. "The first few chapters deal with matters such as wicket cool costumes, grossly out of proportion but attractive looking bodies, the like. But the next bit deals with long, ansty speeches about right and justice versus revenge and ill will toward humanity, thought that in itself can be very flexible. Then of course, we get into the more precise rules, like charming smiles, love interest, sub topics like that."

"Wow…that's a lot…" said Shou.

"Oh yeah," said Asuka. "Anyway, one of the subtopics has to deal with long monologues from the villains that borderline emotional breakdowns. We have to patiently sit through them looking scared, and occasionally say something like 'that's horriblie' or 'he did WHAT with a pitchfork', that kind of thing."

"I see," said Shou. "So…how long exactly do these things take?"

"Well, the Villians Union and ours had a little chat, and we decided that the villain's rant has to be a bare minimal of five to ten minutes," said Asuka. "But 'Totally Spies' keeps skipping out on it…however, for the veterans, it can take anything from two to three weeks…we have to stop for every once in awhile for coffee and light snacks though."

"Wow…that's amazing," said Shou. "But how come we didn't ask for any sort of limit to how long they could rant?"

"Well, ultimately, in our particular union has to win the fight when the rant's over," said Asuka. "Besides, we should really be considering ourselves lucky. It didn't turn out so well for the other unions."

"Really?" asked Shou.

"Oh yeah, we're the Comic Genre branch of the general Hero/Sidekick unions," said Asuka. "It's awful for the poor saps stuck in the whole angsty genre. For instance, if they aren't a main character, they risk getting killed off before the final battle. This kinda stunk for them, so under intense negotiation, it came to an agreement that if that happened, they'd still be allowed to have swollen fanbases, cameo appearances in other stuff, and random, ominous Easter Eggs in other thingies," said Asuka. "But then for the main characters, they have to sometimes fight a huge final battle and die at the end of the series, their death with great and awe-inspiring emotional meaning."

"Ah…I see…" said Shou. "Wow, I had no idea that any of these things even existed…"

"You didn't?" asked Asuka.

"…no…" said Shou.

"Not at all?" asked Asuka.

"Sorry…" said Shou.

"Wasn't it kind of obvious?" asked Asuka.

"Eh…" said Shou.

"…I guess I just don't know you anymore," said Asuka. "Okay, looks like she's wrapping it up Shou. Get ready to kick some butt."

"-and that is why I must kill you here!" said Red Dwarf, laughing triumphantly. "Any last words?"

"This is the part where we say something very witty and ironic at the same time," said Asuka. "We managed to sneak this one into the perks."

"Why are you whispering about?" said Red Dwarf with a dark smile. "Already giving up? Do you want to get your face blown off already?"

"No…we were just discussing that you needed to plan this through a bit better," said Asuka, walking up to the plug that was sticking out of the wall of a building that was connected to the super awesome plasma cannon, ripping it out with one yank.

"…BLAST!" screamed Red Dwarf.

"Do we have to beat you up, or can you just slink away into your own angst?" asked Asuka.

"IT'S PUMMELING TIME!" screamed Red Dwarf, ripping out a gigantic mallet from under her trenchcoat.

"Of course…she's one of those one-track-minded villains. "Fine fine…"

---ooo---

"Can we get the rant now?" asked Dartz, as he, Ziggy, and Raffy found themselves chained to a wall.

"No, not quite yet," said Leon.

"AW, COME ON!" said Dartz.

---ooo---

"And so the Mayan civilization was actually really advance, with jet planes, and iPods, and microwave dinners, and all-terrain vehicles, and cell phones, and 'House' reruns, and cool machines that were covered in colored lights and went 'PING!' whenever you poked them!" said Bianca. "But when the British people invaded, they stole these precious treasures and took them back to Hollywood to sell them on E-bay! And so the Mayans were forced to sell BLESSED FRUIT to one day regain their former economic glory, and to save up money for a PS3! And that's why I always sleep with a knife under my pillow!"

"…fascinating…" Seto said, too disturbed to say any other words that would be even remotely humane on human ears, but too blinded by love to question her logic. "You seem very knowledgeable of tabloids."

"Thank you! You're pretty hot yourself!" said Bianca. "So tell me a little bit about yourself Lamablamable!"

"It's Seto, but the two are very easily confused," said Seto. "Anyway…I suppose since we're being honest with each other, I have to say that my life has been sort of-"

BANG!

Bianca's head hit the back of the chair, and she began to snore very loudly and obscenely.

"…she must work very hard…" said Seto, fighting back an eye twitch.

"Cool, you're done telling me about your boring life!" said Bianca, springing back to life. "Let's talk some more about fruit!"

BAM!

Insert slow but tense sounding western music here.

A sudden cold breeze suddenly whistled through the room, causing a shiver at many tables, and sparking a quick, gushy romantic instinct in some of the males in the room to give their dates a hug (oooooo). But I digress.

Standing in the doorway was the medium-high figure of a very angry forgotten plot device. Our favorite tri-colored-hair blitz beauty, Tish, fully dressed in her black, skin-tight spy ware, was standing in the doorway, the incoming breeze ruffling her chin-length hair, her eyes turning to ice as she entered, her stance bold. To all who knew exactly who this spy-chick was, a shiver ran up and down their spine. To the everyone-else-save-for-one-person-in-the-room who didn't, she sent a clear, deadly message.

I've come for the redhead.

And I brought heck, and a bunch of deadly weapons, with me.

"Welcome to Che-" started Sandy earnestly, before Tish pulled out a huge plasma cannon and turned the podium that held the log-in book, as well as several annihilated sudako books, into a pile of ash.

"…mou…fette…" altered Sandy for a second, trying to hold a smile despite the fact that she wanted to run away screaming like a little boy running home to his Mommy (she was very well trained).

"Have you met my friend Tish?" asked Bianca sweetly, as Tish literally pounced on Bianca, sending her flying out of the chair.

---ooo---

"NOW can we hear the plan?" asked Dartz.

"Mm…yeah, okay," said Leon.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Ziggy. "I VANT TO SEE ZEE CAT FIGHT!"

"ME TOO! ME TOO!" said Raffy.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon, smiling evil as the three helpless idiots were chained to a wall. "It is time for me to tell you of the instruments of my world domination and your deaths."

**AND NOW FOR A BAD PUN**

"Like zis?" asked Ziggy, holding up a flute that he somehow managed to both have at the moment and reach at the moment.

"NO NOT LIKE A FLUTE!" screamed Leon. "My gosh, you people are stupid. Oh well…NOW! Listen well to how I shall rule the world, and make you pay for all the suffering you have caused me!"

"God, rant time," said Dartz.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "As you know…I plan…TO DUB THE ENTIRE WORLD!"

"With all due respect, the massive hoards of dubbers in the previous chapters sort of tipped us off about that," said Dartz.

"I said SHUT UP!" yelled Leon. "That was just a taste of my power! You see…when I joined the league of the respective Pencil Cult, they offered me many things I needed to complete my revenge…a method, a massive amount of brainwashed servants, and the power over an incredible force…but mostly the brainwashed servants. Anyoo, like a typical evil person, I made a deal with these pencil cultists-if they aided me in my conquests, I agreed to make pencils the only writing utensil available in the new world order!"

"But you neglected to tell them that in order to complete this process, you'd barely fall short of destroying the world," said Dartz.

"…yeah, pretty much," said Leon. "But is that the point? No! The point is that I managed to exploit their ability to dub even the sanest mind and turn them into the illegitimate offspring of a Disney movie and some of the earlier Barney episodes!"

"Look, you can't dub the entire planet," said Dartz. "It's impossible. It takes months on end for most people to badly dub one Anime series alone. Come on, your minions just barely pulled off dubbing a _high school _fer crying out loud!"

"WELL THAT'S WHERE YOUR WRONG!" said Leon, pulling out a remote control device from his pocket with a maniacal cackle, slamming his pointer finger into the red button, as sinister music played in the background.

Absolutly nothing happened.

"What the-" said Leon, pushing the button over and over again. "Stupid…evil…device...doesn't…ever…"

"Do…you need help with that?" asked Raffy.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Leon, walking toward the center of the room, where there was a huge, lumpy mass that was hidden by a long, red, curtain-like fabric. "Fine, I guess I'll just have to DRAMATICALLY unveil…THE INSTRUMENT OF-"

Ziggy pulled up the flute again.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" screamed Leon, his hand on the huge mass of fabric. "BEHOLD!"

With one clean rip, he pulled off the curtain, which fluttered across his feet and slowly drifted behind him, revealing the object that it hid. It looked like a cross between a ray gun and a huge cannon.

"THE DUBINATOR!" screamed Leon triumphantly, once again beginning to cackle evilly.

"…what?" asked all three.

"Remember that insignificant implied annoying thing that seemed to have absolutely no meaning at all back in chapter whenever?" asked Leon.

"Uh…no…" Ziggy.

"GOOD! THEN THAT MEANS MY PLAN IS IN MOTION!" cried Leon triumphantly.

"Explain…" said Dartz.

"Well, you see, that annoying thing is actually a half human, half dub being," said Leon. "At first, it seems like nothing more than a strange thing that annoys people to implied death by singing the song 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves' at an obnoxiously loud volume. HOWEVER, it was specifically sent out to emit a very special wave. This sound wave that comes out of its horrid and annoying mouth is specifically designed to target electronic devices and fry enough of their firewalls, electronic protection, and scans that have the potential to block off our virus."

"So that's how the Red Dog Virus managed to keep popping up!" said Dartz.

"And that was the next part of our plan," said Leon. "It was meant to cripple your electronic systems and cause them to explode. The iPods, the computers, the handheld games, even the ceiling fixtures were completely short circuited!"

"Is there a point to all this, or not?" asked Dartz.

"YES!" said Leon. "For I made sure that one specific electronic device would NOT be infected by the Red Dog computer virus!"

"ZEE SALAD SHOOTER?" asked Ziggy.

"…okay, how come everyone thinks YOU'RE the smart one?" asked Leon. "Why, I left the only electronic that is the sheer pinnacle of mind-numbing-ness today…THE TELEVISION!"

"You…wouldn't…" said Dartz in horror.

"Oh, I would," said Leon evilly. "Once I activate this cannon, it shall sent a signal to a satellite that has previously been sent into orbit. When this satellite receives the waves, it will begin beaming a signal down to every television in the world that will convert all who watch television, anywhere in the world, into mindless dubbed pawns! And then, they will finally feel no pain, no blood, just say pathetic pseudo-slang and act stupid."

"Oh…I see…" said Raffy. "You suffered so much pain and misery that your ultimate goal is to make it so no one can ever feel the heartache you felt. But in doing so, your actually doing something that does more harm than good, which you are subconsciously aware of, but this mindless sadness has driven you to a point of little care what happens."

"…yeah, that's it!" said Leon. "BUT ANALIZE THE SIGNIFICANCE ALL YOU WANT, IT SHALL BE TO NO AVAIL!"

"Not true!" said Dartz. "Your stupid annoying thing only screwed up the electronic products in Domino City! How are you supposed to make it work for the entire world?"

"Because YOU DA, I sent the 'stupid annoying thing', as well as a thousand of it's stupid, annoying brethren, AROUND THE WOOOOOOORLD!"

"Oh…well darn then…" said Dartz.

"HA!" said Leon. "AND NOW, USING MY TREMENDOUS POWER, I SHALL-"

BAM!

"NOT SO FAST!" said Marik, kicking the door down with his foot, causing it to crash down on the floor with a thud. "HOW DARE YOU SEAL OFF THE 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' DOOR, AND HAVE NOTHING BEHIND IT BUT A BUNCH OF MUSTY TEMPLES, SOME STUPID…TRAP…THINGS…AND NOT HAVE ANYTHING COOL BEHIND IT ALL!"

"Marik, stop yelling!" said Odion. "And stop defiling ancient temples!"

"You found a secret hidden cult base!" said Dartz. "Isn't that interesting?"

"BUT NON OF YOU ARE CHICKS WEARING BIKINIS, AND NON OF YOU HAVE HUGE PILES OF ICE CREAM NEXT TO VIDEO GAMES!" yelled Marik.

"…what?" asked Dartz.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon. "And now, with this device, I shall-"

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Ryou, walking into the room. "I've come here to order all of you to…how the heck did you two get here before me?"

"HEY! YOU'RE THE UGLY FAT KID WHO HUNG OUT WITH THE HOT CHICK!" said Marik.

"And you're the monobraincelled waiter," said Ryou.

"I SAID ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" said Leon. "Now as I was saying-"

BAM!

"NOT SO FAST!" said Asuka, along with Sho, both screeching to a halt after clearly have been running for quite a long way. "We're here to stop you from dubbing any more people!"

"Wait a second, how did you guys get here so fast?" asked Leon.

"With the limitless power of the humor genre!" said Asuka.

"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Tish, also rushing into the room. "Leon Schoder, in the name of Supplementary Tactical Unraveling and Persecution of Insane Delinquents, you are under arrest for trespassing, illegal use of an ancient underground cave of evil, leading a brainwashed cult without a license, being too adorable to be a villain, and…well, the obvious."

"And how did YOU get here?" asked Dartz.

"Shut up," snapped Tish.

"No you shut up!" said Leon back angrily.

"No, YOU shut up!" Tish snapped back angrily.

"No, YOU shut up!" said Leon.

"FRUIT!" said Bianca, stumbling across the room, and onto the floor with a dizzy teeter over.

"NOT SO FAST!" said Fubuki, busting into the door, now in his Magical Goth-Loli Fubuki-chan costume. "In the name of androgyny, I WILL SLAY THE EVIL!"

"Hey, you're supposed to be dead!" said Leon angrily.

"YOU CANNOT KILL ME!" cried Fubuki. "I AM INVINCILBLE!"

"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Mobster, as she and ASV ran into the room. "IN THE NAME OF-"

"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DOES ANYONE _ELSE_ WANT TO BUST INTO THE ROOM WHOS BEEN FORGOTTEN FOR CHAPTERS ON END?" yelled Leon angrily.

"NOT SO FAST!" screamed Double S with the rest of the Fruits Basket gang. "We found the Happy Chorus! They were stuck between a set of couch cussions at Big Lots!"

_We have been forgetten_

_We're forgotten all the time!_

_Our lives have no more meaning!_

_Blah blah blah blah blah blah!_

_WADEAHOODEHADEAAO!_

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" screamed Leon. "Okay, now as…oh great! Now I've lost my train of thought! THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS!"

"NOT SO FAST!" yelled Yugi and Tea, running into the room.

"Oh WHAT NOW?" yelled Leon.

"Well…really were here because we felt like it," said Tea.

"Yeah, this story was supposed to have me as one of the main characters, and look what happened! I was tossed aside like nothing!" said Yugi.

"DON'T FORGET US!" yelled Joey and Tristan, Tristan still wearing drag.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, ENOUGH OF THIS!" screamed Leon. "Look, I'm sick of listening to all of this! That's it! This chapter's over!"

"WHAT?" everyone in the room screamed.

"YOU HEARD ME!" screamed Leon. "That's what you get for ticking me off!"

"You can't just end the chapter!" yelled Asuka.

"WATCH ME WOMAN!" yelled Leon. "CHAPTER ENDING POWERS…ACTIVATE!"

---ooo---

Next up, the much awaited final chapter! Stay tuned!


	42. Conclusion

Yes folks, the end days are at hand. There have been signs everywhere. Unusually warm weather, people actually _liking _the Democrat party, another Final Fantasy instalment…um…fire raining…from…the…okay, I'm running out of omens. Regardless, yes…it's the end. After fourty-something chapters, it's time to bring this story to a close…

**Chapter 42**

**CONCLUSION**

**PREVIOUSLY ON 'THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARIK'**

_Okay, so there was, like, this guy, who was, like, a total, like, guy, who totally was a total, like…jerk! And then, we see these, like, guys, like, who, like, went to, like, see him! And then they, like, talked, and there were, like, some other guys, and they, like, talked too! And then, like, then, more people came, like, and like, talked, and like, it was, like…I'm so pretty! And like, like, like, there was like…another guy! And he was hotter than the first guy! And then, like, there were, like, a few chicks, and then like, there were some ugly dudes, and like-_

**_We apologize humbly, deeply, sincerely, and abjectly for the previous brief summery of what happens so far in this story. We are very, very, very sorry indeed. Really. So to show just how sorry we are, we decided to spend an addition four dollars and seventy six cents to provide a more accurate summery._**

"READ THE STUPID STORY YOURSELF YA BUNCH OF WEENIES!" screamed a huge pro wrestler in a ballet tutu holding a rubber chicken, standing in the middle of a crowded subway.

_**And now…**_

"Oh…darn, the narrator's back…" muttered Leon. "Oh…whatever…okay, where were we again?"

"Megalomaniac rant…" said everyone in the room in a dull monotone.

"OH SHUT UP!" yelled Leon. "Ah yes…MEGALOMANIAC RANT…wait, we got through with that! Weren't any of you paying attention?"

Silence.

"NEVERMIND!" said Leon. "Now, with the push of a button, I SHALL DESTROY YOU A-"

"NOT SO FAST!" said Tish, holding up a cell phone "If you make one more move, I'll cook your entire operation, and you with it!"

"…excuse me?" asked Leon, not used to being at the bad end of violent threats.

"After I managed to bust out of that closet I was locked in, I took a quick peek in the phone book and looked up your number. And now, I plan to send you a very disturbing picture that I managed to snap on my cell phone, one which features a disturbing little man with a rubber chicken, and a bunch of-but is that the point? No. The point is that attached to this disturbing picture I plan to send to you is your own little pet-project…the Red Dog Computer Virus."

"So?" asked Leon.

"This particular virus is dormant," said Tish. "Once it hits a true energy source, it'll bloom into a full-scale epidemic that will shut down everything in its path. And I'm sure all of your equipment has to run on a lot of power."

"And what makes you think that if it's not responding to your cell phone, it will to mine?" asked Leon haughtily.

Tish pointed about two feet away from him, where, on a coffee table, there lay a single cell phone, in a charger...which was connected to a wall…and a source of large amount of electrical power…

"Oh popsicles…" said Leon. "NEVERTHELESS, you will never get a change to send that e-mail because-"

With that, he hoped off his red velvet covered raised platform from which he was delivering his random speech for some time now, bounced down the stairs which lead up to it, weaved quietly around all of the people who gathered around to oppose his final regime, occasionally uttering an 'excuse me' or 'pardon me', often receiving a murmured "oh, no problem", and walked up to Tish, snatching the cell phone out of her hand with one swipe, then turning away and walking back.

"…come to think of it, I should have seen that coming long in advance…" said Tish. "HEY, GET BACK HER YOU LITTLE-"

Before she could finish the sentence, out of almost every nook and cranny seemed to spawn forth massive hoards of dubbers clad in their oh-so-scarry red robes, armed from top-to-bottom with especially impressive looking dub cannons.

"Ha! Looks like it's time for the finally battle!" said Leon triumphantly, as all the entire gang found themselves staring down the barrels of at least fifty dub cannons. "Sure, you can come and get me…after you've gotten past my wall of dubbers! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! BWA HA HA HA HA! BWA-"

"He's going to be laughing for awhile…" said Asuka.

"Oh! It's another villain union thing, right?" asked Shou.

"No, he just seems like a total egomaniac…" said Asuka.

"ATTACK MY BRAINWASHED PAWNS OF DOOM!" screamed Leon triumphantly.

"Hey! We're not brainwashed pawns!" yelled one of the dubbers. "We're acting on our own free will!"

"Shut up and kill them," said Leon.

"Yes master," said the pawn.

"Bring it on!" said Tish.

"I like fruit!" said Bianca.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed Mobster, ASV, and Double S.

_Facing facing our deaths,_

_Inescapable demise!_

_Five buck's says that it's painful!_

_Blah blah blah blah blah blah!_

_WAHEDAHODEAHADEHA-_

"May hoards of flower pixies guide us to safer pastures!" said Joey triumphantly.

"_What?_" asked Yugi, Tristan, and Tea.

"NOT SO FAST!" said Goth Loli Fubuki-chan.

"Hey! That was the last chapter!" said Leon angrily.

"Oh…whoops…" said Goth Loli Fubuki-chan. "ANYOO, I SHALL DEFEAT YOU WITH THE POWER OF PSEDO-GOTH!"

"You're never going to let this die are you?" asked Ryou.

"SILENCE STRANGER OF WHOM I'VE NEVER MET BEFORE!" said Fubuki, pulling out a random playing card. "I ACTIVATE THE 'DEUS EX MACHINA' CARD!"

POOF!

Suddenly, all of the cult members turned into small, fluffy, white bunnies.

"DARN YOU AND YOUR LITTERARY TECHNIQUES!" yelled Leon on his platform. "Well fought, foolish mortals, WELL FOUGHT INDEED! But now, the time is at hand…NOW YOU SHALL ALL BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT-"

"-of a four foot four twelve year old," finished Dartz dully.

"SHUT UP!" said Leon, shaking his fist angrily. "You may not fear my power now, but you will learn! YOU WILL LEARN! I WILL MAKE YOU ALL LEARN! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! ONE BY ONE! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

"Runt," said Asuka.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" yelled Leon. "Now…SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME POWERS ACTIVATE!"

With that, he cackled maniacally, as a huge, sinister light seemed to slowly gather around him, growing bigger and bigger and brighter and brighter with every laugh.

"FOOLS!" he said. "Now, with my super special awesome powers, watch, as before your very eyes…I GROW A WHOLE INCH! GWA HA HA HA HA! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW! NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM-"

BAM!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Leon got pegged square between the eyes…with Happy the Magic Can Opener.

At the sound of a humongous 'OW' and a 'thump-thump-thumpity-thumpity-thump' of Leon tumbling backwards down the platform stairs, all eyes suddenly swam their way across the room, until all of them were looking at Marik, who looked quite proud of himself.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but that creepy girl was getting really annoying," said Marik, suddenly gasping in surprise, picking up a slightly damp sponge. "SPONGEY! YOU'RE ALIVE!"

BAM!

"FREEZE PUNKS!" said a couple of police officers, busting through the door. "You're all under arrest for breaking and entry, crossing the 'Employees Only' door, creating a super evil cult in the basement of a restaurant without a license, but most of all, continuing a fanfiction long after you've jumped the shark!"

"Why is it that the police always arrive right after the critical point?" asked Shou.

"Un-i-ons," said Asuka.

"Oh…" said Shou.

"DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME VIC!" screamed The Bishop, busting through the doorway with his companions.

"…I'm going to pretend I didn't see that," said Asuka.

"Well, looks like we've finally busted this darn pencil cult," said the police chief, as more police officers rushed in to dust for finger prints and fire up all the cop show cameras. "And taking down their crazy cult leader. Wooooooo…looks like another open and shut case for Detective Inspector Fuzzykins."

"Hey, we did all the work!" said Odion. "You can't just come and take all the credit!"

"Oh really?" said the police officer. "And can you PROVE that you did the work Mr. Fuzzy-uzzy-umpkin pants?"

"…actually, I can," said Odion. "You see, the REAL hero of the day is-"

"What the-WAIT A MINUTE!" screamed Marik, throwing the sponge angrily to the ground. "YOU AREN'T SPONGEY! YOU AREN'T SPONGEY AT ALL! HELP! HELP! IMPOSTER! SPONGEY! WHERE ARE YOU? SPONGEEEEEEEEEEEEEY?"

"…oh never mind," said Odion.

"Mr. Marik Ishtar?" asked Tish, to a sobbing Marik who was on the ground in a fetal position, rolling and crying in pain. "Uh…Mr. Ishtar…"

"SPONGEY!"

"Mr. Ishtar?"

"YOU WERE SO YOUNG!"

"Mr. Ishtar?"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO!"

"Mr. Ishtar!"

"POR QUA?"

"MR. ISHTAR!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GREAVING STUPID WOMAN?" yelled Marik at the top of his lungs in Tish's uncaring face.

"Mr. Ishtar, I'm an agent representing Supplementary Tactical Unraveling and Persecution of Insane Delinquents," said Tish, holding out her badge. "I've come because you are currently wanted as an offender of the law."

"So…much…emotional…trauma…" said Marik faintly.

"March 18th…Detroit…you owe them a library book…as have you been for three months…" said Tish, to a twitching Marik. "Your total amount owed is $81.42. Pay in full, or we shall contact you again."

Marik continued to do nothing but twitch.

"That's it, I'm leaving," said Tish.

"Um…Ziggy…" said Leon, as he was being dragged away by a police officer. "I think I'm getting seven years without bail so…can you come and visit me once and awhile?"

"Well…alright…" said Ziggy. "Considering I'm not reading anything at the moment…and I haven't seen you in awhile, have I…"

"Ziggy…that…makes me so happy…" said Leon, his eyes getting huge.

"Shut up kid, you have a right to remain not gushy," said the cop, dragin Leon away, as two brothers were finally reunited.

---ooo---

"Well…looks like everything's cleaned up here…" said Asuka. "If I know Chronos, he's probably got a massive bill waiting for us when we get back…but that's alright. We managed to get all of this straightened out…and that's all that matters."

"Wow…it's really been a long day, hasn't it?" asked Shou.

"It's good to see it over, that's for sure," said Asuka. "Of course…we're going to have to file that we missed managing to prevent the demoness of the apocalypse from escaping the space-time continuum, wreaking havoc, and overall being a pain…"

"FWIENDS?" screamed Seta, bouncing into the cult room with a smile on her face. "Hey! Where is everyone? Where have all my friends gone?"

There was silence, as Asuka and Shou just stared in panic at the horrible creature.

"Oh poo!" said Seta. "Don't tell me that the battle got fought and stuff before I had a chance to come help? Boooo….that stiiiiinks…oh well! At least I can make all of his silly machines go bye-bye!"

With that, she pointed at all the high tech dubbing equipment, causing all of it to exploded.

"Wow, I had a lot of fun today!" said Seta, waving at Asuka and Shou. "Thanks a lot guys, it's been a blast! But I got to go back home now! Tell everyone I said hiiiiiiii!"

With that, a pink portal opened out of nowhere, and with a smile and one last violent wave, Seta hopped through the portal, causing it to disappear, as Shou and Asuka just starred at the patch of air where it used to be in silence.

…

"And now we don't have to…" Asuka said.

"Yay?" said Shou.

---ooo---

"Bianca! I was worried!" said Seto. "I thought I was going to actually need to do something compassionate and break up that fight! So…why do you look so sad?"

Bianca stared at Seto with great, big tears in her eyes.

"Bianca…are you okay?" asked Seto. "Bianca…hello? Bianca…"

"I'm sorry Korean Kid…" Bianca, said, pointing something that looked like a tiny suction cup, firing right on Seto's forehead.

Long story short, it was lights out baby.

"Hey…I know it's hard, but erasing his memory was the right thing…" said Tish, patting Bianca on the back.

"I'LL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!" screamed Bianca at the top of her lungs.

"Pineapple?" asked Tish, holding out the strange fruit.

"YAY!" said Bianca, snatching it out of her hands and giving it a big hug.

---ooo---

"WOW! THAT WAS SO AWESOME HOW I TOTALLY BURNED THAT LITTLE GIRL!" said Marik, as Odion was tucking him into bed.

"Yes yes, good for you," said Odion dully. "Now hurry up and go to sleep, 'Grey's Anatomy' will be on any minute."

"Okay, goodnight Odion!" said Marik. "Goodnight Millenium Pu-"

Marik suddenly stopped.

"WE DIDN'T GET THE MILLENIUM PUZZLE!" he screamed in horror.

"Briliant Holmes," said Odion.

"NO! THIS IS SO AWFUL!" screamed Marik. "NO! BAD! BAD MARIK! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Just go to sleep!" said Odion. "Or I'll read you about Mary Moo-Moo-Refrigerator and how she saved all the GE appliances in Low-carb land!"

"WAIT! I GOT AN IDEA!" said Marik. "Remember that creepy girl?"

"No, I just forgot her," said Odion, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe…WE SHOULD MAKE A CULT TOO!" said Marik. "But we'll make them wear PURPLE! 'Cause purple matches my beautilicious eyes!"

"Oh…Ra…" said Odion. "Here we go again…"

_**WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE WHEN ALL THIS WAS OVER**_

**YUGI**

Yugi continued to play games like a madman, and he continued to be somewhat of a wussy-boy all of his days. However, he never knew that the next time he'd be facing the creepy Egyptian kid who did everything from cross-dress to impersonate a dead doctor would be when said kid would turn into a homicidal maniac. However, he sorted out everything in the end (with the help of his somewhat homicidal alter-ego), and soon, he and Marik became friends. Not like, best buds, share clothes, go-to-the-movies-every-day kind of friends, but you know what we mean.

**JOEY**

His intelligence never really did improve over the years, and in fact, it continued to take its dramatic roll downhill, until his ability to live without a drop of common sense became nothing short of a medical marvel. Regardless, he still managed to live a happy life, constantly following Yugi around, and still suspecting that random people are being telepromted by howler monkeys. However, in the light of this entire experience, when he became a senior, not once did he ever budge in front of an underclassmen during pizza rolls day. Every other day, however, was fair game.

**TEA**

Tea eventually became successful in her quest to find friends who weren't screaming loonies and idiots. However, she never could bring herself to completely ditch her high school friends, and she remained by their sides until their graduation, and then sometime thereafter. She and Yugi continued a firm friendship, one that grew closer as time past. Her love of dance, too, matured over the years, and she continues to study as hard as she can to one day 'break into the business' on the stage.

**TRISTAN**

Tristan lived the rest of his life the same way he had lived it all his life: frighteningly similar to, yet always in the shadows of, Joey. Despite it, he lived a pretty good life…we think. Also, we are very pleased and very thankful to announce that his crossdressing days are officially over (thankful sigh).

**RYO**

Alas, Ryo would have to go through a suitable period of time when he had to put up with a bad-tempered and homicidal evil spirit. However, after countless maiming and unthinkable emotional stress, the day finally came when he was free from his imprisonment. The first thing he did with this freedom was get a job at Ben and Jerry's. Why? No one knows.

**SETO**

He continued to selflessly dedicate himself to KaibaCorp, though as time went by, he slowly relaxed and became a little less uptight, and even came to terms with the idea that the sun is not your enemy. However, he never remembered a single thing from his brief crush with Bianca the dim-witted redhead, and whether or not he would truly ever find love again remains a mystery. However, he successfully completed his high school career with very little incident otherwise, surprising, considering so many people seem to want to kill him.

**SERENTY**

Serenity was never in this story, and thus, she doesn't need to be in this section.

**VALON**

Valon didn't receive any additional intelligence as time went on, but his charisma and silly accent were always needed somewhere. He remained faithful to the Doom Bikers, and constantly visited them throughout the rest of his life, usually when they were having company, were on vacation and not there, or in the shower. He was the only Doom Biker who actually continued to ride a motor bike in his 90's.

**ALISTER**

Alister 'Alice' never quite got over being uptight, and being bound to the service of idiots. Valon still believed him to be his best friend, despite many times Alister told him not to, and despite dozens of restraining orders. However, he, very slowly, lost the grip he had on his grudge with Seto Kaiba, and eventually came to terms with his life in general. He still wore athletic shirts that were reminiscent of sports bras for a long time after though. This, too, age corrected.

**RAPHAEL**

Raffy remained the buff, pseudo-Italian, voice-two-octaves-below-normal he always was. He stayed in touch with the Doom Bikers all his life, and he never quite got over hero-worshiping his guardian cards. However, he started slowly giving up bad habits, like skipping out on his pills, and running Valon over with trucks.

**DARTZ**

Dartz, too, had a lot to overcome after the whole incident, mainly the fact that he was a ten thousand year old Atlantian. However, he eventually paid his Doom Bikers for their services, and, after awhile, slowly began to repair his relationship with his brothers and Uncle. He lost touch with the Doom Bikers, much to their happiness.

**ZIGFRIED**

He continued his life as a rich fancy-pants, and after a brief spat with the whole 'Kaiba' thing, turned more towards better things in life than sitting in nice baths and playing around with female cards. He eventually even died his hair a different color, so he didn't have to live with the shame of being a 'pink head'.

**PEGASUS**

Pegasus, too, went back to his fancy-pants lifestyle, and enjoyed the glamour of early retirement for all his days. He continued to randomly shower his family with love and inspiration, much to their displeasure. As an interesting fun fact, as he aged, his hair slowly changed from gray to straight black instead of the opposite. No one has figured out why.

**LEON**

Leon no longer was angry at his older brothers, and he no longer needed to do such drastic things, like almost taking over the world, to earn their love. He and Ziggy were close from then on, with occasional lapses, and he never even went near a dubber, or a pencil lover, any day from then on.

**ASUKA**

Asuka continued her work with her 'association', and continued to kick butt with a sane head. She also continued to keep an eye on Shou, though eventually, she let him spread his own wings and go his own way in life. She made a name for herself, and was eventually promoted to one of the top positions in the group. She was only lax in her duties when she had to dig her insane brother from whatever mess he got into on a regular basis.

**SHOU**

He too continued to work in the group, and eventually was able to make a name for himself with out Asuka's help. However, he was always still a bit timid, and often took out any repressed feelings by blowing up random vending machines. That being said, he always enjoyed his work, and was even allowed to be the supreme wielder of the Executioners Ax, much to everyone's horror.

**FUBUKI**

Bucky 10-Join lived his life in insane bliss, judging by the goofy smile that was forever plastered on his face. Of course, not wanting such supreme insanity go to waste, he eventually went into politics. He was the soul founder of the 'People Who Wear Silly Outfits and Giggle At Random and Sometimes Inappropriate Moments' (PWWSOGARSIM) party, and campaigned for respectable political terms like wearing comfy clothes, eating some form of desert every day, and women's right to vote, despite the fact that the last had been completed 100 years earlier (among ones that aren't easily respectable, such as violent and expensive campaigns against cruelty to ducks, portable incurable diseases, and of course his endorsement of Chunky Frog Toffee).

**RYOU**

Overall, it was eventually agreed among him and Asuka that he had suitably repaid the money he owed her through his actions, and thus, there was no longer a need for the button. However, he kept a close eye on everyone afterwards, and stayed in close contact with Asuka, Shou, and all the other members of the organization. However, he could never quite escape Fubuki's insanity, and often had PWWSOGARSIM fliers stuffed in his mailbox forever after. He also received various unaddressed envelopes that had 'Fat Kid' written on them, which he promptly would run through the shredder.

**CHRONOS**

He eventually cooled down over the pairings of his agents until retirement, but he silently fumed over lost battles for sometime before he did.

**BIANCA**

Bianca and Tish's friendship continued throughout their career with STUPID, and eventually, she became a very respectable agent among their numbers, despite the fact that her brain was still and remained as large as Paris Hitlon's personal library. She occasionally had lapses over her brief passing with Seto, however, she recovered suitably to date men as stupid as her, and her life was never devoid of love, friendship, adventure, and fruit.

**TISH**

Tish, too, had a lot to say good-bye to when leaving this adventure. However, her wit and ability soon became apparent, and she and her partner were easily promoted to more advanced jobs than tracking down people who hadn't turned in library books. Needless to say, after how much came from one simple mission, she accepted any mission instantly, and she was never devoid of excitement and, sadly, Bianca.

**MOBSTER**

Continued to scare the masses with her violent and reckless work, and she always stayed in close contact with ASV and Double S. While details of what happened to her after this story are sketchy, we can conclude that she's either became head of Homeland Security or a kindergarten teacher. Neither is very comforting. Great Britain still won't let her enter the country

**ASV**

Finally completed his training, and now is a full-fledged member of CMWGAA, as well as a respectable conscience. He never quite gave up the strap-on wings, considering them his safety blanket. However, from what was gathered, his future career in this field was successful, and earned him several honors for his services.

**DOUBLE S**

While it took a long time, he too eventually became a fully accepted member of CMWGAA. And while his title never became that of the prestige earned by ASV, he continued to work his hardest, and became well known as one of the most sensitive and well-loved case workers. He continued his friendship with his teammates from Team DT as well.

**AZUSA-CHAN**

She became one of the heads of the Equal Pay for Androids, and under her leadership, many rights were won for her and her robotic comrades. However, she remained attached to her 'Nii-san' forever, and visits him frequently, despite how many times he changes his address. She never forgot 'Nee-san' either, event though she never saw her again.

**SETA**

Seta safely made it back to her own dimension…or so they say. However, with all the frequent breaches in the dimensions, she could be roaming around this world for all we know. At times, Asuka still wakes up in absolute fear, swearing that she heard her voice. However, no matter where this insane figure lies, she continues to inspire (sort of) others with her ever present cry of 'FRIENDS!'

**KA'AEWU**

Our favorite plot bunny kept his promise never to steal away sanity again, and lived a good life, eventually managing to find a way to regain some his powers back in his true form of humanity. However, he still had a bit of devious streak, but his escapades rarely to any more severe forms than turning common crab grass into snakes to scare away girl scouts. However, his trade of supreme magic guaranteed him a mortal life, though after a suitable period of time, he didn't really mind that fact.

**RED DWARF**

DUMBARSE was eventually forced to disband after the graduation of Seto Kaiba and the loss of government funding for fangirls during the economic drop. However, she eventually found other men to obsess over, so she never was bored, even into her career life. She thanked her friend Ebony Crow a thousand times over for her various services to DUMBARSE, and they remained firm friends thereafter.

**EBONY CROW**

While the disbanding of DUMBARSE was a sad shock upon her life, she eventually began the long road to recovery from obsession, with the help and support from Red Dwarf of course. The emotional scars of being dubbed were not healed easily, but through strength and determination, she managed to press on with her life. To be honest though it took her quite a long time to stop wearing black and things that covered her face.

**TOHRU HONDA THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC AND KISA SOHMA THE EQUALLY HOMICIDAL MANIAC**

Both slowly began to find a happy median between cheerful young girl and kick butt P0W4H L4D33. It was a very long road, but they eventually became decently respected and somewhat less feared members of society. However, they both slept with a bazooka cannon under their pillows for the rest of their lives, because as we all know, old habits die hard.

**YUKI AND KYO SOHMA, THE SOHMA BOIZ**

They too became accepting of Tohru and Kisa's choices in life, and they too began to, slowly, do their own housework. It would take many, many years before either of them considered that they made suitable headway in this struggle. Yet it eventually became enough that one could walk into either of their rooms without passing out in shock and horror.

**THE ALIEN INVADERS**

The deal they made to conquer the earth and enslave mankind eventually fell through, thanks to the timeless work of the UN ambassadors, but mostly after they saw the state of the earth today. They took one good look at the ozone layer, and they quickly voided the deal as fast as they could.

**ODION**

Odion, sadly, was bound to Marik's service for the rest of his days. While he never admitted it, he received many job offerings that ranged from gas pumper to UN Ambassador, and he just simply turned down every offer made to him. The more romantic sort would say that it was because he truly loved Marik and wanted to take care of him for the rest of his life. The more realistic sort would see him as one who made a promise to his adopted mother, and was determined to keep it, and of course, the more practical ones say that he simply couldn't bear the thought of Marik getting killed in nasty ways, as he knew he would simply by partaking in this adventure.

**MARIK**

Marik's desire to take over the world continued for a long time afterwards, as did his constant search for the millennium puzzle. As history tells us, he was true to his style, and failed miserably. However, the entire experience really proved that he occasionally has good ideas, and it boosted his pride immensely. After all was said and done, he applied his great ability to scheme into the real world, and once in a blue moon, one or two of them would actually turn out to be good, and out of this small handful, a few actually worked. Nevertheless, he lived a good, long life, and continued to recklessly endanger it. Why Odion didn't die years sooner of a heart attack is beyond mortal comprehension.

That being said, all who partook this adventure looked back on this tale as a major turning point in their careers. Well…some did. Most people just retell it again every once and awhile for a good laugh. That being said…it was a good laugh, wasn't it? So for all who care, I hope that you enjoyed this tale to the fullest. Good night, good fortune, and may insanity bless you all of your days.

_**The End**_


	43. One Last Thank You

Sorry for this, but I forgot to tell you all something super extra important…how much I appreciated all of your reviews! So here is a special thank you to all of you! Thank you so much to:

Princess of the Queens

Kaibascutie

Kookieangel

Fan of Fan Fic

Saphire and Gold (And thank you for the Seta Pic!)

TheJapaneseWierdo

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Fuzzy Bunny

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An Angel in Tears

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Not a stalker

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Multiple Personas

You all rock! Thank you all again!


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